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Monday, March 12, 2012

232

The Brigitte Bardot Makeover

In Los Angeles the other week Jane gave me a makeover, which is something I've been dreaming about for as long as she and I have been friends. And we were going to turn it into a beauty-tutorial video, too, except I freaked out and made it weird.

Here's what happened: she got the whole thing ready, with the makeup laid out and the camera set up, but when I sat down I wasn't prepared for the computer's reverse-mirror-image effect, which is that when you look at the screen you see all the facial asymmetry you're normally immune to, and as soon as I started talking I couldn't see anything other than how lopsided everything was and how twitchy my expressions were, so I tried not to talk, smile, or move my face in any way, which made me seem incredibly uncomfortable, which I was, and made the video a little unpleasant, which it shouldn't have been. It kept getting worse ("is this how I really look; I'm acting weird for the video; I'm going to ruin it, I'm ruining it, I ruined it"), but then it got better, because ultimately Jane put a lot of makeup on me, and I looked great. So we turned it into a photo thing (i.e. Jane was sensitive enough to my vain panic that she let me turn it into a photo thing).

It's weird to have a lot of makeup on and look nice, because partially you're like, "word," and then partially you're like, "ah, I need all this stuff to look this way," and your vanity beats its fists against the inside of your head, like, "why can't this just be how we naturally look all the time!?"

But it isn't, Vanity, so go back to your room, and we'll keep pretending you don't exist, and that your room isn't actually a cavernous palace/prison that never ends.

Anyway: the Brigitte Bardot makeover! She's so pretty (and so bad these daysAHP?), and her hair is always so big and sexy, and I've always wondered how to accomplish these things. And so: Jane blew-dry my hair, sprayed it with a bunch of volumizer, attached a sponge insert to the crown of my head, and pinned my hair to the side to give me fake bangs. (It's all in the video, but the video is forbidden.) All of which took about 30 minutes.

Bottom layer: Make Up Forever HD Foundation.

And then: lots of eyeliner (see also here), loads of eyebrow pencil, fake eyelashes, Nars Orgasm blush (amazing stuff), highlighter, and — the key to the whole look, in my opinion, and what made me look like a stranger to myself — slightly darker lip liner outside my natural lip. Ingenious. Not the most natural look, but holy shit.

Jane, I love you, and thank you. You are an artist. These pictures would be the right ones to pick for an online dating profile, yes?

If you live in or around Los Angeles and might want for Jane to make you look as much as possible like the celebrity you think in your secret heart of hearts that you maybe could possibly kind of look like with a lot of makeup and the right camera angles, let her know. This is an experiment.



232 Comments / Post A Comment

special_boots

>>>It's weird to have a lot of makeup on and look nice, because partially you're like, "word," and then partially you're like, "ah, I need all this stuff to look this way," and your vanity beats its fists against the inside of your head, like, "why can't this just be how we naturally look all the time!?

THIS. THIS IS HOW I FEEL (INSIDE) ALL THE TIME. Especially Saturday nights.

Sam I am

@special_boots YES. I love it, but I don't. Sometimes I feel like I'm not myself without eyeliner, but how can that beeeee? And I can't help but think of all the toxic junk that's in makeup (everything really) and then judge myself for needing it. It's a vicious cycle.

libs

I have been waiting for this special day!

Megasus

Gorgeous!
And yes. You would get so much ass.

wharrgarbl

@Megan Patterson@facebook Indeed. All the ass the internet has to offer, ever.

JessicaLovejoy

@Megan Patterson@facebook ALL THE ASS ARE BELONG TO YOU.

AndSomethingElse

@Megan Patterson@facebook OMFG, all the ass. Edith, you are beautiful just the way you are! But also this way.

thebestjasmine

I WISH I LIVED IN LA.

Jane Marie

@thebestjasmine "JASMIIIIIINE!" (Could you hear that?)

alebee

@thebestjasmine I AM IN LA FOR THE NEXT WEEK but not after that but OMG I would move. Slash I want to come back anyway. Could this be the thing that instigates the move? Methinks so...@sabordesoledad, where you at girl?

sabordesoledad

@alebee Here I am! On the internet. And I will be in LA in about 10 days and would like for someone to turn me into Grace Kelly when I land, please!

sox
sox

@Jane Marie Um, would it be way too personal to ask about the ring In the third from last picture? Is it decorative, symbolic of an *ahem* engagement, or actually your right hand masquerading as your left becaus of the webcam?

My Party Clothes are Binding

@sabordesoledad @alebee I think this post was what made me realize Jane lives in LA. And now I'm even happier I live here!!! 'Pinner proximity! And that I am finally de-lurking myself on the 'pin to confess my love for this site. Hello, 'pinners. I love you, one and all (except the occasional comment troll).

alebee

@sabordesoledad um, darling sabor, you need a little picture thing. an avatar? is that what they call it? or a DAEMON?

The Lady of Shalott

WHY DON'T I LIVE IN CALIFORNIA? I would volunteer for this so fast.

Mostly because I just desperately want to hang out with Edith and Jane and everyone in real life.

Megasus

@The Lady of Shalott HAIRPIN CONVENTION!!!?? (one day?)

Ophelia

@Megan Patterson@facebook a Meta-Pinup!

EpWs

@Megan Patterson@facebook I have been yelling about this for months! NATIONAL HAIRPIN CONVENTION. One big sleepover. Jane, how many people can fit in your apartment?

Ophelia

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Did anyone else ever do the massive girl scout sleepover at the Science Museum in Boston? I know they still do it...I wonder if they'd host one for grownups?

EpWs

@Ophelia I was never a Girl Scout and have not realized how much I missed out on until today's threads. Trips to be a wee communist in Germany! Giant sleepovers at the Science Museum! ALL THE COOKIES!

And yes, Science Museum sleepover. I believe anything can be done for the right price.

Ophelia

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Somewhere in the Piniverse, there must be a Science Museum employee, right?

Megasus

@Ophelia No, but that sounds freaking awesome. Apparently they are doing this at all the museums here in Toronto for spring break, and I would totally go but I think I am too old.

slutberry

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher YES YES YES YES PLEEEEEASE YES PLEASE

sugar cubism

@Ophelia ME ME I did!!! My troop was SUPPOSED to get the Rainforest Room, but some other group whined or had an insider for a troop leader, and we got moved the MATH room. So much less exciting! But still: FUN. That again. As adults. YES.

CarolynEll

@Ophelia Yes, I slept over at the Boston Science Museum too! We desperately wanted to sleep in the T-Rex Room, but we got the Steam Engines. Boring!

I think they still do it... At least I know for sure the Boy Scouts still do it, so they must for the GS, right??

Megasus

@CarolynEll Steam engines would be fun if you could sleep IN them. I dunno if I could handle a dinosaur room, I'm kind of afraid of them.

Monkey

@CarolynEll AAAHHH I got the T-rex room! I got it! And then laid awake all night in abject terror.

EpWs

I am unspeakably jealous of all of you.

tea tray in the sky.

@Monkey We had one in Ottawa too, and I also got the dinosaur room! The best/worst part: had to walk through the sharks to get to the bathroom.

Ophelia

@CarolynEll Ahh! I was ALSO in the Steam Engines room! Circa 1993 :)

Clare

Are you serious in your postscript, Edith and Jane? Because I would definitely take you up on this. I'll be in LA for my birthday and I would totally be into a face full of expertly applied Sophia Loren makeup for a night out of eating and bar hopping.

werewolfbarmitzvah

@Clare Sophia Loren makeover! Sophia Loren makeover! This should happen next, yes indeedy yes!!!

Jane Marie

@Clare email meeeeee

Lily Rowan

SO gorgeous!!

Also, I love Jane's "Ta-da!!!"

barnhouse

You are so pretty both before and after, I would say.

madge

edith! jane! you both look so glamorous! i love this!!

(also, yes, untold amounts of ass.)

Party Falcon

My Personal Style Icon! (And political .... not icon.)

Ask me about my foam hair lifts, secret cache of Elnet, hair ribbons and eyeliner! (Makeup Forever Aqua Eyes Liquid Liner in a dark brown, if you care.)

Edith, you look smashing! And little bit like what Lana Del Ray is aiming for but missing.

Anji

@Party Falcon That's it. I'm hiring you as my personal stylist, because I fail at hair and makeup and I can never get that adorable retro look going for myself.

@Party Falcon Foam hair lifts. I need a lesson on them -- where do I buy them? Also, how do I wear them on a normal day (like, to work?) to make my french twist look big and poofy and not like it's plastered to my head? How much makeup is too much makeup?

parallel-lines

@Party Falcon I am asking you about your foam hair lifts because I have the wimpiest, scrawniest hair and I want to do this so badly.

Ophelia

@parallel-lines If you want, you can just borrow some of my hair. *brushes enormous tangled web of despair out of face*

Party Falcon

@parallel-lines @S.Elizabeth I've gotten most of mine at Sally, but have had to hack them up. I just get the round doughnut shaped ones, because they're the easiest to find and then I've cut them to do what I need to do. And, it's really, really gross but I spray hairspray directly on them for a little "glue". As for hairpins (heee!), I'm super fickle, depending on my mood. Also, backcombing first. So much backcombing. I am committed to the teasing like it's my job. I even backcomb the base of my ponytail so it'll be all bouncy like Barbie.

I also still totally have my Hair-dini, I cannot lie. I love that sucker.

(None of this is coherent. Sorry!)

Jane, darling, I think your people are crying out to you for a How to Be A Girl (with volume and foam pieces!)

EpWs

@Ophelia I will take your hair!

Ophelia

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Can you imagine the reaction of the Fedex employees if they opened up a package and it was just a giant box of hair?

EpWs

@Ophelia Why are these nosy FedExers opening up my mail? Their shock and alarm would serve them right.

Ophelia

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Well, true. But that WOULD be the package that gets stuck in some sort of security check, right?

EpWs

@Ophelia Well yeah, of course. That's how it works.

anachronistique

@Ophelia There's a Nicole Blackman poem about Barbie that ends with "Pretty soon, you'll just buy boxes of Barbie hair with no Barbie at all."

Wondajules

@Ophelia funny story, I once borrowed a friend's clip in extensions and had to mail them back to her(long story) but she was in the midst of moving so she asked me to mail them to her mom, who lives in the same town and who also happens to be blind... Well her mom obviously couldn't read the address when it arrived and had ordered something for herself so she opened the package and out came...hair. Tons and tons of hair. She thankfully didn't miss a beat, called up my friend and said, "I think you have a package here."

noReally

I would enter any contest, write an essay, create a Harmony.com profile, for the chance to win a Jane-over. I will submit pictures, to compete on the basis of needing it the worst. But I can't go to LA. Come to Portland?

madamvonsassypants

@noReally POOORRRRRRRTTTTLLAAAAANNNNNNNDDDD!

noReally

@madamvonsassypants Seriously. Coming to Portland to do makeovers Hairpinners would be like flying into Haiti with pallets of bottled water.

madamvonsassypants

@noReally So wait, this is a charity thing? We're not all that hopeless in Portlandia! I... think...

Shit.

noReally

@madamvonsassypants Oh, not meaning to run us all down. But if you're going to come out from New York, is LA where the need is greatest? I'm thinking there would be larger contrast between Before and After with your average Stunptown starting point, as opposed to average LA starting point. And just, me me me.

ladysnakes

@noReally and @madamvonsassypants as a somewhat recent transplant to portlandia, yes, there is much need here.

also, i totally hosted a make-up, manicure, and general fancy-making sleepover...as an adult...a married adult with an amazing spouse. i would do it again in a heartbeat.

madamvonsassypants

@ladysnakes Sounds like the next Portland 'Pinup theme! Well, after the potluck cookoff. And I'd like to request a clothing swap. Y'all are in the FB group for Hairpinners in PDX, yes? WE MAKE THESE MAGICS HAPPEN.

ladysnakes

@madamvonsassypants i like this! and what is the potluck cookoff?! and clothing swap? yes. yes. and yes.
i just requested permission to enter the fb pdx hairpin group.

madamvonsassypants

@ladysnakes This one? https://www.facebook.com/groups/thehairpinportland/

ladysnakes

@madamvonsassypants yup...request sent within the last half hour. but my fb name is not ladysnakes...obvs

Aphrodite

@noReally Portland! <3

sharkburp

never in my life have i ever wanted to go to l.a.
until now. <3 u janie!!!!

Atheist Watermelon

holy moly hot tamale!!!!!! big whoas.

Atheist Watermelon

@LittleBookofCalm and this is coming from the shirtless gun-toting Alec Baldwin, no less.

breccia

What!! Edith, you must listen to this: http://www.radiolab.org/2011/apr/18/mirror-mirror/

Whenever I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror now and I'm like "oh my hair looks nice" INSTANTLY i'm like "WAIT MAYBE ITS NOT AND MIRROR-ME IS THE ONLY GOOD LOOKING ME RIGHT NOW"

heb
heb

@breccia OH MY GOD.

heb
heb

@breccia I hate the way I look in photos even though I'm fine with how I look in the mirror but IT'S JUST MIRROR ME AUGH

chickaboom

@heb Yeah, I changed the way I parted my hair because of listening to this radio show! It totally effed with my head but I think it was a good change!

And obviously if NPR is an important enough part of my life that I would do such a thing, I AM FREAKING OUT that some 'Pinner might get the chance to be made-over by Jane. Were that I lived anywhere near LA!

DianaPrince

@breccia - Listening to it now and IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE! I recently had to start recording videos (of myself) for work and was surprised to find out that... my mouth is lopsided! It looks (to me) like I had a minor stroke and am only talking out of one side of my mouth. Drives me CRAZY. But is completely unnoticeable (again, to me) in a mirror.

DianaPrince

@breccia - OMG Spearmint gum is flavored with mirror-imaged Carraway seeds! MIND ... BLOWN.

alebee

@xx-xx-xx Chirality is pretty awesome. Science, what?

Aphrodite

@breccia I KNOW! I have been so unsettled since I heard that.

miwome

@breccia YES OMG I REMEMBER. I spent AGES trying to figure out which side was teh good side, because I kept getting confused about right and left because...whose right and left?! You, or a person facing you?!?!

I have straight-across bangs, now, though, so I've neutralized the entire problem. Winning.

BoozinSusan

@miwome After listening to that podcast last year, I have been experimenting with right-part versus left-part. When I want to feel powerful, I do Right Part and cackle softly to myself.

KeLynn

@breccia The thing that kills me is that when I part my hair on the side it "should" be on, I might look better to the rest of the world but I look entirely wrong to meee and I don't know if it's better to look good and not feel good, or feel good and not look good. I guess it's irrelevant now though because I got side bangs a while ago and I wasn't thinking about that podcast when I requested them so now I can only part my hair one way.

psychedelicate

The EYES! I must know how to do it!

@psychedelicate Cat eyes (see Jane's eyeliner tutorials) plus the biggest, fullest fake eyelashes in the world, then so much mascara it hurts. No, more. MORE MASCARA.

TinyNinjas

You look absolutely stunning! I wish you were more comfortable with the video, I would love to see the entire process. Next time, just throw a towel over the screen :)

JAAAAAANE I LOVE YOU.

No I'm serious. I love you. You are my favorite. I need an excuse to do this to myself.

Jane Marie

@S. Elizabeth THUMBS UP THUMBS UP THUMBS UP. I think Monday night is a good enough reason, right? It's Monday! Let's get crazyyyyyyy!!!

Party Falcon

@S. Elizabeth Do it, do it, do it! For whatever! Taco Tuesday! Or movie might! Or a trip to the Walgreens!

OR Do what I do when I have no regularly scheduled fancy-times-that-require-fun-makeup-and-I'm-bored-and-jonesing and pretend you're secretly in a movie and get all fancy and wander around downtown, perhaps amble into a hotel bar and take photographs like the mysterious tourist you are. (The camera phone ruins the mood a little, but ... bygones!)

(It's fun and not at all as creepy as I probably make it sound. Also, a word of explanation might be needed for any Lady and/or Dude friends who might think you're out trolling for a piece on the side. Unless they're up for the costuming? Don't bother to invite them. Rookie mistake and it interferes with the pretending when they're in a hoodie and cargo shorts.)

@Jane Marie I need a lip pencil. And blush. And NARS started making lip gloss and nail polish in Orgasm (!!!!). Where do I get these mythical hair foam things? And how do I do a big poufy 60s-inspired French Twist that's a. not so flamboyant that I can't wear it around town and b. not going to turn my head into a rat's nest?

I need to go to Sephora. Ooooh and I need to dye my hair because my roots are looking crappy.

@Jane Marie Also, spray tan. What kind do I get? I'm a pale little fucker but I want to be all tan and healthy looking!

EpWs

@S. Elizabeth Pale can be healthy! PALE CAN BE HEALTHY! (Right? ...guys? Oh god I'm gonna die, aren't I)

Party Falcon

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Pale is good! Just use bronzer! And blend and blend and blend and then use highlighter like Jane taught you and you'll be color-y and glow-y, but still pale and un-tanned!

EpWs

@Party Falcon The issue is that I rock the Consumption Chic look (it is not chic, it is mostly PALE and FRECKLES and ALARMINGLY RED CHEEKS) so bronzer...worries me, as Tim Gunn would say.

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Pale can be healthy but it's that I want my arms to not be awful. Seriously, I frightened myself while trying on sports bras yesterday.

Jane Marie

@Party Falcon hotel bars are the jam.

Party Falcon

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Then go with something like "Warmth" from Bare Minerals. I am also a very very pale bird with very very pink lupus-rashed cheeks. I would have NEVER used any bronzer EVER until my best friend MADE me. And then I wanted to make out with that bronzer.

It works. I promise. You're just going for warmth/light on your cheeks/forehead/chin, not, like, fake tan! And blend! And highlight!

sparrow303

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher-- Highlighter!!! I am the whiter-est shade of pale you've ever seen, and pale pink or pearly highlighter makes me look awake/alive/more vibrant than I feel. I'm hooked on Avon's Mark shimmer cubes right now, but anything works. Benefit has some pretty ones!

werewolfbarmitzvah

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Heyoooo, that's exactly the look that I embrace, too! Naturally pale bluish-white (uncooked turkey color), freckles, and PINK PINK PINK cheeks (Stila cream blush in Petunia). I've used bronzer exactly once before in my lifetime, and it was when I was in a play, playing a 60-something woman who was supposed to have "leathery" skin.

Ophelia

@S. Elizabeth Ugh, and legs? I can't even. Plus, self-tanner always makes me itchy...any sensitive-skinned 'pinners out there with recommendations? I've tried all the drugstore brands (jergens, coppertone, neutrogena, etc) with no luck.

EpWs

@werewolfbarmitzvah "Uncooked turkey color"

MY PEOPLE.

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Yes. I am turkey colored.

OhShesArtsy

@S. Elizabeth Oh God. Turkey colored describes me so perfectly that it makes me a little sad. You know that moment when you realize something about yourself that's terrible and inevitable? THIS.

loudmouthedgirl

@Party Falcon. Ooh the hotel bar idea never occurred to me. Mostly I am just having some wine by myself at home and then get the genius idea to experiment with ALL THE MAKE-UP and then I end up at 9pm with no where to go, but about a metric ton of eye-liner on. Your idea sounds like so much more fun.

@everyone, I am also a member of the uncooked turkey complexion club, and seriously, the prospect of breaking out the shorts in a few months is kinda terrifying.

EpWs

@loudmouthedgirl I break out the shorts with very little regard for my terrifyingly pale legs. My bigger issue is that my skin is TRANSLUCENT and my leg hair is, you know, DARK BROWNY BLACK and it starts growing immediately upon shaving. Guh, fuck shorts.

werewolfbarmitzvah

@loudmouthedgirl It doesn't have to be terrifying, though! Whatever colors are naturally occurring in your skin and hair are the colors that suit you best, so if you're pale, it's in your best interest to EMBRACE the pale. I get a little shiver of delight in the summer when everybody else is walking around with their legs painted orange while I've got the only pair of glow-in-the-dark raw poultry legs for as faaaaaar as the eye can seeeeeee.

miwome

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Me too. Scary-pale legs, dark, coarse, quick-growing leg hair (seriously, did someone spill Miracle Gro on my calves when I was a kid). And insecurities regarding the whole land of legs meaning that I never get them out anyway, so they NEVER GET ANY LESS PALE AND IT'S A VICIOUS CYCLE.

thenewbrunette

@miwome Ugh me too! I'm so glad other people have the same legs as me. My skin is so translucent and my hair so dark, that you can see it through the skin BEFORE IT HAS EVEN STARTED GROWING! So even when I wax, you can see the next "batch" of hair just getting ready! I'm probably going to try fake tan this year because they just do not tan. Burn, yes, but then they fade back to deathly pale with no golden-brown inbetween stage :(

@serenityfound

I LIVE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. I don't know what celebrity I look like in my heart-of-hearts, though. I used to get Chelsea Clinton a lot...

Also, am I the only one who thinks Edith already resembled Brigitte to begin with?

Waiting

Hot Mama!!!! :-)

sugar cubism

You gals are pretty and smart. Sometimes I think of you as my real life friends (No weirdo).

jstar

eeeeeeeee! you look so cute!!!!!! :D!!!!!!!!

The Dilettantista

I wish I lived in LA! I've been told I look like Ally Sheedy, and also Rachel Weisz. EDITH YOU ARE SO PRETTY. You have the same name as an older woman who belonged to my childhood synagogue (sorry!!!!) so my mental-image of you didn't match at all (sorry!!!) You do not look like the lady who went to my synagogue AT ALL.

atipofthehat

I would miss the Before so much if she never came back

KiwiTheBirdNotTheFruit

Edith, you look so gorgeous (both before and after...but in different ways)! That's awesome. If it wasn't a 12-hour flight to LA from here, I'd be so in on the postscript...

redheaded&crazy

awww pretty ladies! (both before and after always)

maybe that whole backwards face thing is why i always think i look uggo on web cam.

but wait ... that's how the rest of the world sees me isn't it???

:(

RK Fire

@redheaded&crazy: THIS IS MY ISSUE WITH MY PHOTOS!

Sorry for the all caps. It's like "OMG, I'm so ugly in my photos.. wait this is how the world sees me! Nooooooooooooooo."

redheaded&crazy

@RK Fire nobody ever needs to apologize to ME for using all caps!

Marzipan

I like this picture of Edith:

You look like an insouciant, European Dawson's-Creek-era Katie Holmes.

Fine, I'll say it, I'll be everyone's grandmother. I think you are so much cuter without makeup!! I mean it 100% but it doesn't mean you don't also look great with make-up, and you should do whatever makes you happy.

atipofthehat

@Marzipan

I would go for this one, too, but I'm a sucker for an old CRAS TIBI skull on a dank day.

McC@twitter

@Marzipan The change from this photo to the "after" photo is kind of amazing. But even more amazing/awesome is how lovely both photos are.

Ophelia

I want to go to LA so Jane can make me look like Julianne Moore!!

eta: I don't actually look at all like her, but I do have red hair, so I can dream, right?

frigwiggin

@Ophelia Julianne Moore circa The Big Lebowski, right? Then you could go around condescendingly saying, "Fatuous, Jeffrey," to confused people all night.

Ophelia

@figwiggin I knew I loved you for a reason!

frigwiggin

@Ophelia :D Aww. You'll be my buddy until I scare you away!

Emi at Project Swatch

JANE I EMAILED YOU

candybeans

@Emi at Project Swatch JANE I DID TOO JAAANE

frigwiggin

Ah, this is great! I never ever wear makeup ever ever, but it's totally reasonable to drive six hours (after having just returned from a weekend trip down to Irvine) to get myself did up, right? Right? I'm going to. (Except I look like no celebrity ever except that when I was a baby people apparently thought I looked like Audrey Hepburn? Except I didn't, because I was a baby.)

frigwiggin

@figwiggin Is the beginning of May too late for this? @SheWhoReadsInSkirts and I could totally come down when she's in the state for her wedding!

SheWhoReadsInSkirts

@figwiggin So excited for this. I wonder if some kindly 'Pinners could help us figure out who we look enough like if they trundled over to readinginskirts.wordpress.com? Since you're being all befuddled and what not.

Carrie Hill Wilner

Jane what if I stay on the East Coast but you just use makeup brushes with really long handles?

McC@twitter

@Carrie Hill Wilner Surely we can develop a remote controlled robot to facilitate this? Like Jane moves around the controls in LA, and then the robot puts the makeup on your face not-in-LA? If NASA can control Mars robots, then Jane should have a makeover robot.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@McC@twitter I would totally be the guinea pig in a "Jane coaches me via webcam" scenario.

McC@twitter

@Carrie Hill Wilner We'll do it for science and the greater good! Not at all for personal gain, nope.

whatsherface

@McC@twitter Margaret Atwood totally invented this for remotely autographing books (see: Long Pen). It was obviously intended to evolve into a long distance makeover tool (...right?)

http://atlantic-pacific.blogspot.com/2012/03/squares.html

I would like to do hair like that. How do I do hair like that???

EpWs

@S. Elizabeth That is GOOD HAIR

redheaded&crazy

@S. Elizabeth I wonder if I would look good with that hair. probably not.

all the same I want that pearl necklace (har de har)

and also that bag style! not that bag exactly, but a boxy-ish shaped shoulder bag. ooh yeahhh.

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher YES. But my hair is very similar in length and ... texture? Her hair down looks like my hair down, except I'm a brunette. So I want to know how to get that kind of texture/lift/shape.

Party Falcon

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher It is good hair. But simple hair. Backcombing, a little messy up-do with clip at nape, a little hairspray.

It's only awesome because of the styling! You can do it!

EpWs

@S. Elizabeth nvm hair, must get those shoes.

Party Falcon

@S. Elizabeth Part your hair like a headband an inch or so from your forehead. The next inch or two so tease like crazy and hairspray. Smooth backwards slightly, and cover with some of your reserved inch. Do a sloppy french twist, but twist towards the bottom, not the top. Secure with hairpins (hee!) and a small claw clip on the bottom. Spray the roots on the backside of the remaining reserved hair, let dry. Comb back gently, shaping as you go. Tuck any too-long ends into the twist and pin. And then spray the bejesus out of the whole deal.

(It is really, really, really hard to describe hair-styling in words. So hard.)

@Party Falcon I need you. In my life. Right now.

bangs
bangs

@S. Elizabeth I've been looking at the flats version of those shoes... Zara's got some nice stuff this season.

slutberry

@Party Falcon HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS YOU ARE A BIRD

slutberry

@Party Falcon Do you also know how to make a grown-out pixie that I like to imagine looks like Amelie Poulin but which probably actually looks like Ramona Quimby look like Brigitte Bardot? Because I feel more scrappy than sexy these days and it makes me le sad.

@teffodee Oribe Dry Texturizing spray. Trust me.

slutberry

@S. Elizabeth Will it make me look like an 80's talk show host?

@teffodee no.

MeghanElizabeth

1. I like just seeing what Edith looks like. Very pretty, obviously. (Jolie reveal next please)
2. Now I need to buy slightly dark lip liner and try this out.

Lowetown

I am going to Reno this weekend and this is the EXACT look I am hoping to achieve. I NEED TO KNOW how to do this hair bump thing. It's amazeycrazy.

Jaya

Ahh I'll take one! I might actually be in LA this fall? Natalie Wood, please?

Jennifer Culp

Dude, I wish there had been time to do me up all pretty-like during my brief time in sunny CA, but drinking with you was the best.

EVERYBODY GO DRINK WITH JANE. IT IS THE BEST EVER.

And you are gorrrrrrrrrrrrrrgeous, Edith! Damn. Day-um.

applestoapples

Can you send the last photo to Chris Evans with the caption, "Your move, Captain America"? Because I still really want that 'ship to sail.
(Not that he wouldn't think the non-Bardot Edith is foxy.)

MeghanElizabeth

@applestoapples This is how Edith should be styled when she attends the Avengers premiere.

Daisy Razor

@applestoapples "Because I still really want that 'ship to sail."
...oh thank god I'm not the only one.

solidgold

@applestoapples This was exactly my first though! Like, "Edith, send those pictures to Chris Evans and then the two of you can get MARRIEEEEED!"

null

This is AMAZING. If the hair were different, Edith could be a dead ringer for the lead singer from Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.

asra

Please explain how the "sponge insert" works to give pretty crown poof. I mean, I think I could figure it out, but instructions would be helpful.

EpWs

@asra
Step 1. Get sponge insert
Step 2. Get Jane.

charmcity

I predict a 21st century wagon train as thousands of East Coast 'Pinners relocate to California to take advantage of this special offer. And someday, our grandchildren will play not "Oregon Trail" but "Jane Marie Makeover Trail."

candybeans

@charmcity Thank GOD. We desperately need more Pinner-types out here.

redheaded&crazy

also some people say that I remind them of British Celebrity Rupert Grint

wouldn't that be a fun makeover?!

EpWs

@redheaded&crazy Yessssss yes yes yes.

redheaded&crazy

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher circa goblet of fire, obviously

vunder

Hot before. Hot after.

cmcm

I will pay you to come to London and do my makeup and hair?

cmcm

@cmcm But, um, only if a flight to london is approx £20 or less because that's about what I can afford at the moment.

redheaded&crazy

@cmcm all that would take is for oil prices to tank (pretty likely right?) combined with a subsequent huge increase in airline competitors, all of whom employ flight attendants and pilots for slave labour prices...

it could happen! couldn't it? I think it could totally happen.

Ophelia

@redheaded&crazy Not to be morbid, it happened after September 11th - I was studying abroad in Ireland, and flew from Dublin-Lyon, and then from Pisa-London-Dublin for a total of $32.

redheaded&crazy

@Ophelia :S

*rescinds comment*

Ophelia

@redheaded&crazy I know. I feel kind of bad for having been so absurdly psyched about the airfare at the time? But! Silver linings! Terrorists lose! All that jazz! :)

@Ophelia Keep Calm, Carry On, Be a Badass Tourist.

Daisy Razor

Edith, the first time I saw a picture of you, I'm pretty sure what I said was, "Edith is so pretty! What the hell, that's not fair.*" I hope my petty jealousy soothes your wounded vanity.

*That you write so well and are also adorbs.

scully

This was just so much fun - seeing you two in the same photo/physical space made me day.
Now I want to see all the 'pin people in the LA area get transformed by Jane's hand! I would come down and let you make me Grace Kelly or Gillian Anderson if I could find a cheap southwest flight!

Don
Don

Hello Edith. Don Draper. Meet me at the Roosevelt. 12:30PM, Tuesday. My girl will call to confirm.

remargaret

Daaang! I want my half-ponytail to be less "me in elementary school" and more that.

asra

btw, @EdithZimmerman, I appreciate that you flagged Brigitte Bardot's fucked up politics because while I love her '60s-era style I am grossed out by the xenophobic and racist things she's said and I'm glad you just acknowledged it because it made me feel less bad about ... um ... just appreciating her looks.

BeebsLaRue

Um, Holy Screen Siren, Batman. @EdithZimmerman you are freaking gorgeous, with and without makeup. Hubba hubba.

madamvonsassypants

The Brigitte updo (refer here: http://www.media-courses.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/bb12.jpg) and a bit of her makeup inspiration is what I'm planning on sporting at my wedding this summer! Much love for the non-crazy Bardot.

leonstj

UGH - It's weird to see this post, because I just put up new photos this AM on [free online dating site] - I don't know how anyone would have the nerve to even speak publicly / openly about such a horrible process.

Is this good looking enough of a photo of me? Why do I hate every photo of me? But wait, what if this is the best photo of me. Fuck, it's the best photo of me. They're going to show up and the first thing I'm going to see is their eyes saying "Oh.". OMG then I will be wrecked. Why am I about to do a shot in 75% of my photos? Do I only look good with whiskey in my hand? Should I include some photos from above? It's a terrible angle but I don't want to seem like I'm hiding my baldness, I'm okay with it, but some people are lame anti-baldites. I have a blazer on in all of these pictures, is that too fancy? Why do I think a blazer and jeans runs any risk of being too fancy? Why don't I own a dog? How did I just spent $2,000 on a vacation and there are no cool pictures of me? Wasn't the whole point of vacation to get new photos for [DATING SITE]? Fuck, now I have to go out and do more fun things so I can convince women I do fun things. Why can't I put a picture up here of me cooking mac & cheese and drinking quarter water? Am I whining about doing fun things? Fuck it, maybe I can photoshop myself in front of the Eiffel Tower. Do I have photoshop?

slutberry

@leon.saintjean You should just wear a mask of the best photo of yourself to every date. That's what I do.

leonstj

@teffodee - My personal tactic is to go on OKC every 7-8 months, spend two weeks trying, neurotic-ness myself out of a date w/ every lady I talk to, give up on it. I've gone on, I think, 2 dates ever from the internets? Ugh, I am a mess.

sugar cubism

@leon.saintjean Ha. This: "Wasn't the whole point of vacation to get new photos for [DATING SITE]?"
I needed a picture of myself for something for work TODAY and it turns out that in EVERY PICTURE OF ME, I've got my mouth wide open and am either terrifying or overjoyed. Or both. Gooftroop. Awkward. Unprofessional. Etc.

slutberry

@leon.saintjean I don't think I would ever even be able to put together an online profile. Totally nerve-wracking. Then again, intentional dates just freak me out. I sorta just crush on old flames and friends-of-friends, but when I actually end up on a date, I don't realize it til wayyyyyy after the fact.

leonstj

@sugar cubism - Oh man, I feel you. I needed a picture for my work-only Skype account (eff u eurozone) and the only one I could find of me not doing a shot was me holding some giant german like, 8 gallon pitcher of beer. Luckily my arm was tired so it was down by my waist and I could crop it out, and voila! Drunk in my work photo.

laurel

@leon.saintjean I've been looking at pictures of people. Some famously beautiful, some regular people. I've discovered a thing that makes me feel better: EVERYONE HAS A WONKY EYE.

alexah

Well, it helps that you are super pretty to begin with so it doesn't make the journey to super hot that long a one. And I wanna makeover too! but I'm in Atlanta, so, you know, alas.

splitradix@twitter

@EdithZimmerman Complete roide.

Harriet Kierkegaard@facebook

Holy shit. Crazy beautiful!

slutberry

YOU GUYS EDITH IS A REAL PERSON SHE'S NOT JUST A FORCE OF COOL BEHIND THE INTERNET ALTHOUGH SHE IS THAT TOO.

SheWhoReadsInSkirts

@teffodee The fact that this is followed by a deleted by user comment made me assume that some conspiracy theory is going dowwwn. Edith? Real person? OR NOT!

slutberry

@SheWhoReadsInSkirts That is definitely the case. It is a grand internet conspiracy. It has nothing to do with me going on in Caps Lock for two comments about how great Edith is and then getting shy about it and deleting a comment. Nothing at all. NOTHING.

nevernude cutoffs

Edith, I had no idea what you looked like before this and was prepared for something scary from the build up. And then scrolled down and laughed. You are seriously beautiful. Get out of your head!! Also I love every single thing about this, and wish you would come over and help me kill the bottles of champagne I have lying around, throw on some Real Housewives and play with makeup.

Mingus_Thurber

@nevernude cutoffs Wait.

If you have bottles of Champagne lying around, you are seriously, in-need-of-an-intervention-ly, doing it WRONG.

nevernude cutoffs

@Mingus_Thurber Well, we had a large brunch party on Sunday and asked everyone to bring a bottle. So as much as I lurrrrve champagne, there was some overflow I couldn't handle. The moral of this story is, they were gone by this morning.

leastimportantperson

I was going to make a joke about Brigitte guest-editing the Hairpin, but then I clicked on the link, and that probably wouldn't be a very funny joke, all things considered.

Kraanth

Oh Edith...you look as beautiful as you did that Christmas night.......

slutberry

It occurred to me, reading this post, that I imagine Edith as Peggy Olson writing at Sally's computer from When Harry Met Sally. I have no idea why. But you are so pretty, Edith! (so is Peggy, but you are PRETTIER)

samuraihellkitty

Good heavens, Miss Zimmerman, you're BEAUTIFUL! You're gorgeous with and without makeup, but this is sexy , sexy sex kitten territory.
I'm in L.A. and I would love a makeover! I think I could pass for Louise Brooks but but only if you're squinting and it's totally dark. Ok, so I don't look like Lulu, but a makeover would be fab!

Hellcat

Brilliant! Jane's an artiste! And, Edith--your hair is so pretty pre-Bardotification too!

Why, oh, why do I sometimes manage to get the Brigitte Bardot hair completely by accident (slightly rainy days that seem to happen when I have no plans and/or am not even around other people anyway) but I can never manage to replicate it on purpose? When I try, it comes out more like '80s pageant lady instead!

Brunhilde

I need more of a step by step on the faking bangs thing!

D.@twitter

Oh phew, there were plenty of pictures. This is lovely! Mmn, except, I have to say...not loving the 80's lips...maybe if Brigitte Bardot guest-starred on Jersey shore....

forensicRN

I want to look like modern-day Adele; I'll pay your airfare xx

TiggerHalsey

Jane, pick me pick me pick meeeee! I live in Los Angeles and I am willing to let anyone do anything to my face (I mean...you know). I don't know which celebrity I secretly resemble, but I will investigate.

Faintly Macabre

Jaaaannee my hair would never do that unless I tore it all out and planted new hair, so for the sake of fairness, could your next series be how to get Brigitte Bardot's body in Contempt?

Princess Slayer

NOOOO I used to go out to LA every year around this time to visit a friend and this is the first year I can't because she moved!

carolita

Yowza! you look amazing. Not that you don't look amazing au naturel!

Maybe there ought to be a Hairpin sweepstakes, where the winner gets a makeover from Jane. Everyone loves a makeover...

redheaded&crazy

@carolita or perhaps a hairpin tournament melee, prize goes to the last one standing!

i don't know which i'd be less likely to win, but at least in a melee i could take some people down with me

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@carolita YES YES YES THIS YES (and also the winner's makeup is already paid for? Because good makeup is pricey.)

EpWs

@carolita I am so down for this. RHC, we are gonna throw down.

redheaded&crazy

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher BRING IT.

Edith Zimmerman

I don't know whether to pretend I'm *not* hitting refresh on this post [nervous laughter], but in any case, thank you so much for these incredibly nice comments. Jane is a wizard and a wonderful friend.

marisaissleepy

@Edith Zimmerman did you go anywhere all done up??? or fall asleep face down on a couch cushion? :/

atipofthehat

@Edith Zimmerman

I saw the results picture first, and my immediate, uncensored reaction was:

"Hey! Edith looks pretty good in drag!"

laurel

@atipofthehat One time I looked after my friend's tiny little fluffy white dog. On our way to the dog park I threw on a lightweight poppy-pink belted raincoat, my huge Italian movie-star sunglasses and some red lipstick. When a big dog approached us, I picked up the little tiny white fluffy dog and carried her around in the crook of my arm. I totally felt like I was in drag.

monicamcl

@Edith Zimmerman Good lord, Edith, you look amazing in that last shot. Although you're stunning without the paint, too.

This post makes me want to be Gina Lollobrigida for a day, with a pout and a peasant blouse and huge, fucking MASSIVE gypsy hair.

atipofthehat

@laurel

That's just how I meant it: glamour drag.

Mingus_Thurber

Edith, for God's sake, you are so beautiful in that first picture, no-makeup and all, that I died a little inside. It's not fair that you get to be both gorgeous and smart!

Oh, squiggles

AhHH! I just want to be so pretty when I see pictures of other people being so pretty (Edith and Jane) and then I am all "stop being vain", but still, I want to be sooo pretty, and I know I am not :/

McC@twitter

Jane, will you give me a makeover in return for a million dollars? (A mix of Monopoly money and Life money is acceptable, right?)

hero worship

There needs to be a Scandals of Classic Hollywood post as re-enacted by made-over Hairpinners. I would donate money to make this happen.

bloodorange

Oh god, Edith, you are lovely times a million billion, with or without the makeover.

I'm not in LA but now I'm agonizing over who my appropriate celebrity doppelganger would be!

kitten_witawip

I want brown eyes!

bouncy castle

ohhhhhhh i love this, you two ladies are supernatural. extraordinary. all i can do is aspire.

The Bitchuation

it's clear now how Edith gets away with wearing "fancy sweatshirts" on dates. with that gorgeous face you could probably wear drop crotch jeggings and still get a date.

Jane, I'm in LA and I want to be Ann Margaret!!

miwome

@The Bitchuation drop...crotch...jeggings. omigosh.

The Bitchuation

@miwome they are a real thing! http://www.oaknyc.com/oak-medium-indigo-drop-skinny-jean.html

and oh look, they are on sale. who'da thunk it.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

I'm in LA. Can you make me look like Steve McQueen? I'll supply the turtleneck.

Hot Doom

Ah, this post made my day! The crazy fists of Vanity fury beating away is me on a daily (hourly? That's worse, isn't it?) basis. EDITH. GORGEOUS. YOU.

If I still lived in LA, I would be allll on this, but alas. Jean Seberg me!

mlle.gateau

How many people immediately opened their webcam and started taking pictures while switching their parts to see which way made their faces look more symmetrical? No one? Just me? ::slinks off::

Also, Jane is an amazing makeup wizard and I desperately wish I lived in/near LA, and Edith, you are an absolute stunner, and a tiny green monster inside of me thinks it's totally not fair that you both are really, really, ridiculously good-looking as well as being talented and hilarious writers.

atipofthehat

@mlle.gateau

We need to get Diana Moon Glampers involved.

coldheartedcitytheycalltheNo

why was Edith Asian in my head?

thenewbrunette

After pictures: Amazing! I wish I could do that with my hair!
Before pictures: Well HELLO, Lana Del Rey lookalike!

You look stunning in both!

Sparrow Morgan@facebook

So, I tried emailing Jane and google said the message had permanently failed. Apparently I talk like a spambot. Anyway!

I'm in Mar Vista and can show up wherever, whenever.

This is me, on the right in the green jacket: http://ow.ly/i/ubai

Any classic look would be fab. I think I could probably pull off Clara Bow, Berenice Bejo in The Artist, or possibly even Christina Hendricks in Mad Men... with a lot of makeup and a padded bra, lol. ;)

Seo King@facebook

So I would never make this because I don't cook (maybe I can force Mr. Hoarder to do it), but I am eating Stouffer's spinach souffle today, yay!he said

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