Reading Between the Texts: S.O.S.
Him: Are you familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality assessment?
Him: Might I ask what your results were?
Him: That’s what I surmised. :)
Him: I noticed in class that your lower jaw is slack during class, and INTJs typically have underdeveloped facial muscles.
K: I’m just going to very quickly grab a butcher knife. I’ve seen like six episodes of CSI that start this way.
M: I know. I’m SO glad I know karate. I mean … it’s probably fine, I just think he’s never actually interacted with another human being before, ever in his life.
K: No kidding. He sounds like C-3PO.
M: I don’t know what that is, but I’m going to assume it’s a robot.
K: Sometimes it is hard for me to accept you as my friend.
M: Whatever. Why is he noticing things about my lower jaw? My face IS developed!
K: Mmm …
K: I can sort of see what he means.
M: Shut up. No you can’t.
K: Look, don’t be mad at me about this. Maybe if you spent a little more time developing your facial muscles and a little less time arguing with me, you wouldn’t be in this mess.
Him: Its nice and cool down there.
Him: I have been through a lot of baby powder tho
Him: Also, my manhood is in your bottom file cabinet…
B: What do you mean by that?
Him: Its all in a bag…
K: I don’t get it??
B: Don’t make me say it out loud.
K: OH MY GOD! … Wait … ahhh I’m sorry, I still don’t get it.
B: He shaved his … nether areas, before these texts were sent. “Manhood” ??
K: Get out of my house.
B: This is my house! And anyway I’m not the one who said it.
K: Ugh, I kind of wish you were never born, for your own sake.
B: Me too pretty much. I mean he was just kidding, because obviously I don’t have a file cabinet. But still.
K: I feel like that’s worse somehow. Pubic hair in a file cabinet is no laughing matter.
B: The WORST worst part is that I pretended to think it was funny because I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.
K: I don’t blame you. I think we should travel to the nearest Middle Earth volcano and throw your phone in. It’s only allowing evil forces to know where you are.
B: There needs to be an emoticon that is like a smiley face, but the teeth are clenched and you’re only laughing to keep from crying.
Him: Hey, I was wondering if we could get coffee sometime. There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.
R: Um, ok sure, what did you need to talk to me about?
Him: I can’t tell you that.
R: Well, I don’t really like surprises, so could you give me a general idea?
Him: If I wanted to tell you through texts, I would … can you just meet me for coffee?
K: Well there are two options. He’s either in love with you, or he’s afraid that his long-lost evil twin has returned to steal his fortune, and he needs your help to seduce and trap him.
R: Ugh, I think he’s probably in love with me.
K: You do seem to give off a lot of pheromones.
R: I can’t help it. It doesn’t make sense because I barely even shower.
K: I know. You are probably the grossest sex goddess I know.
R: Look, just because YOU don’t own any screen-printed animal sweatshirts …
R: I guess there isn’t a point to that, I just was thinking fondly about my sweatshirts.
K: I have nothing against your sweatshirts. I’m just saying, I’m impressed by how much your raw sexuality seeps through them. They’re so thick.
R: Maybe they remind boys of biology, and they’re like, “I should be thinking about my natural instinct to spread my seed.”
K: Ewww, you’re probably right. How are you going to get out of this?
R: I have one really good idea. Do you still have any of that white face paint from Halloween? … And some gauze.
K: Oh, your solution is a lot more mummy-seeming than mine would have been.
R: Just trust me.
Him: Do you have any time this week to meet up? There’s something I need to talk to you about.
K: Can you tell me what’s going on?
Him: No, I can’t. Sorry. So do you have any time?
K: I don’t understand why you can’t just tell me.
Him: Well, I don’t understand why you can’t make the time for me to get something off my chest.
R: NOT THIS AGAIN. What’s happening?? I’m like actually scared.
K: I mean, this pretty much qualifies as an epidemic, don’t you think?
R: I would say so. Two episodes are generally all that you really need for something to be considered an outbreak.
K: This IS an X-Files episode, pretty much. It’s called “Love Bug,” and in it these men eat cakes from this bakery and become so consumed with lust that they have to harass their prey and eat them alive, and the owner of the bakery is a witch who wants vengeance because her lover cheated on her. Mulder would be like, “You know what they say, Scully. Hell hath no fury like a wicked witch scorned.” And Scully would just give him a look, and you’d be like, “You guyyys. Love each other!”
R: Uh, technically mine didn’t end up being lust-based so much as it was salvation-based.
K: True. I can’t decide if I’d rather have him tell me he loves me or have him tell me that Jesus loves me.
R: At least with the latter you wouldn’t end up pity-making-out with anyone. Probably??
K: What I don’t understand, besides EVERYTHING, is why they think that it’s appropriate to basically guilt-trip a person into meeting up? Like isn’t that sort of a bad way to go about getting someone to love you? OR Jesus.
R: I think they’re, like, volcano people. Lava feelings. They can’t help but erupt and destroy.
K: Ugh. That’s why I prefer a nice, slow-rising feelings flood. That way, by the time you drown to death you’re kind of like, well, I did see this coming.
Previously: There’s Been Some Kind of Mistake.
Katie Heaney lives in Minneapolis and writes the most beautiful goddamn text messages that the world has ever not responded to.