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Thursday, March 1, 2012

242

Reading Between the Texts: S.O.S.

The Texts

Him: Are you familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality assessment?
M: Yes.
Him: Might I ask what your results were?
M: INTJ.
Him: That's what I surmised. :)
M: Haha...why?
Him: I noticed in class that your lower jaw is slack during class, and INTJs typically have underdeveloped facial muscles.

The Analysis

K: I’m just going to very quickly grab a butcher knife. I’ve seen like six episodes of CSI that start this way.
M: I know. I’m SO glad I know karate. I mean … it’s probably fine, I just think he’s never actually interacted with another human being before, ever in his life.
K: No kidding. He sounds like C-3PO.
M: I don’t know what that is, but I’m going to assume it’s a robot.
K: Sometimes it is hard for me to accept you as my friend.
M: Whatever. Why is he noticing things about my lower jaw? My face IS developed!
K: Mmm ...
M: WHAT?
K: I can sort of see what he means.
M: Shut up. No you can’t.
K: Look, don’t be mad at me about this. Maybe if you spent a little more time developing your facial muscles and a little less time arguing with me, you wouldn’t be in this mess.

The Texts

Him: Its nice and cool down there.
Him: I have been through a lot of baby powder tho
B: Haha...
Him: Also, my manhood is in your bottom file cabinet...
B: What do you mean by that?
Him: Its all in a bag...

The Analysis

K: I don’t get it??
B: Don’t make me say it out loud.
K: OH MY GOD! … Wait … ahhh I’m sorry, I still don’t get it.
B: He shaved his … nether areas, before these texts were sent. “Manhood” ??
K: Get out of my house.
B: This is my house! And anyway I’m not the one who said it.
K: Ugh, I kind of wish you were never born, for your own sake.
B: Me too pretty much. I mean he was just kidding, because obviously I don’t have a file cabinet. But still.
K: I feel like that’s worse somehow. Pubic hair in a file cabinet is no laughing matter.
B: The WORST worst part is that I pretended to think it was funny because I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.
K: I don’t blame you. I think we should travel to the nearest Middle Earth volcano and throw your phone in. It’s only allowing evil forces to know where you are.
B: There needs to be an emoticon that is like a smiley face, but the teeth are clenched and you’re only laughing to keep from crying.

The Texts

Him: Hey, I was wondering if we could get coffee sometime. There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.
R: Um, ok sure, what did you need to talk to me about?
Him: I can't tell you that.
R: Well, I don't really like surprises, so could you give me a general idea?
Him: If I wanted to tell you through texts, I would ... can you just meet me for coffee?

The Analysis

K: Well there are two options. He’s either in love with you, or he’s afraid that his long-lost evil twin has returned to steal his fortune, and he needs your help to seduce and trap him.
R: Ugh, I think he’s probably in love with me.
K: You do seem to give off a lot of pheromones.
R: I can’t help it. It doesn’t make sense because I barely even shower.
K: I know. You are probably the grossest sex goddess I know.
R: Look, just because YOU don’t own any screen-printed animal sweatshirts ...
K:
R: I guess there isn’t a point to that, I just was thinking fondly about my sweatshirts.
K: I have nothing against your sweatshirts. I’m just saying, I’m impressed by how much your raw sexuality seeps through them. They’re so thick.
R: Maybe they remind boys of biology, and they’re like, “I should be thinking about my natural instinct to spread my seed.”
K: Ewww, you’re probably right. How are you going to get out of this?
R: I have one really good idea. Do you still have any of that white face paint from Halloween? … And some gauze.
K: Oh, your solution is a lot more mummy-seeming than mine would have been.
R: Just trust me.

The Texts

Him: Do you have any time this week to meet up? There’s something I need to talk to you about.
K: Can you tell me what’s going on?
Him: No, I can’t. Sorry. So do you have any time?
K: I don’t understand why you can’t just tell me.
Him: Well, I don’t understand why you can’t make the time for me to get something off my chest.

The Analysis

R: NOT THIS AGAIN. What’s happening?? I’m like actually scared.
K: I mean, this pretty much qualifies as an epidemic, don’t you think?
R: I would say so. Two episodes are generally all that you really need for something to be considered an outbreak.
K: This IS an X-Files episode, pretty much. It’s called “Love Bug,” and in it these men eat cakes from this bakery and become so consumed with lust that they have to harass their prey and eat them alive, and the owner of the bakery is a witch who wants vengeance because her lover cheated on her. Mulder would be like, “You know what they say, Scully. Hell hath no fury like a wicked witch scorned.” And Scully would just give him a look, and you’d be like, “You guyyys. Love each other!”
R: Uh, technically mine didn’t end up being lust-based so much as it was salvation-based.
K: True. I can’t decide if I’d rather have him tell me he loves me or have him tell me that Jesus loves me.
R: At least with the latter you wouldn’t end up pity-making-out with anyone. Probably??
K: What I don’t understand, besides EVERYTHING, is why they think that it’s appropriate to basically guilt-trip a person into meeting up? Like isn’t that sort of a bad way to go about getting someone to love you? OR Jesus.
R: I think they’re, like, volcano people. Lava feelings. They can’t help but erupt and destroy.
K: Ugh. That’s why I prefer a nice, slow-rising feelings flood. That way, by the time you drown to death you’re kind of like, well, I did see this coming.

Previously: There's Been Some Kind of Mistake.

Katie Heaney lives in Minneapolis and writes the most beautiful goddamn text messages that the world has ever not responded to.

Photo by photogl, via Shutterstock



242 Comments / Post A Comment

frigwiggin

I've heard that grinding your teeth at obnoxious/weird texts is a great way to develop your jaw muscles. I could probably crack a walnut!

ThundaCunt

@figwiggin There needs to be an emoticon that is like a smiley face, but the teeth are clenched and you’re only laughing to keep from crying.

THIS!!!

whizz_dumb

Oh did you surmise that J-box? Gimmeabreak.

Craftastrophies

@whizz_dumb He must be an INTJ-box.

Jill_Tata

... really great!@k

JessicaLovejoy

I can't even get past that first one. Was this drawn directly from Negging for Sociapaths?

Sidebar: Am I the only person who has never been out for coffee with a dude (please insert your own sexual preference to fit question)? I have coffee with friends but with guys it's drinks or dinner. I don't know. Am I missing some step?

paddlepickle

@JessicaLovejoy I've had guys suggest coffee for a first date from OKcupid. I think it's terrible. Why would you want to meet some stranger on the internet WITHOUT alcohol? Those dates never go well. I should probably just consider it a dealbreaker if they suggest coffee in the first place.

ejcsanfran

@JessicaLovejoy: It's an orientation, not a "preference," Senator Santorum...

frigwiggin

@JessicaLovejoy I haven't ever been, but that's probably because I've only ever been on one "date" date where the guy asked me out (we went and saw Once! It was lovely! Too bad he was a juicebox), and my long-term boyfriend hates coffee. So I'm probably not the person to ask, even though I butted in here anyway.

alphabiddycity

@paddlepickle You guys are making me feel superb about my coffee (first) date this evening. Augh.

stonefruit

@JessicaLovejoy My experiences in undergrad indicate that asking another lady out for coffee is lesbian for "let's go have some sex." What on earth does it mean when a dude asks a lady for coffee, does someone know?

melis

@ejcsanfran It's really more of a hobby.

Statham

@JessicaLovejoy I go on coffee dates all the time. I have a painfully low tolerance, so if I go out for drinks, it's bound to be embarrassing for me. I also really like coffee. A lot. I like the environment of a good cafe, and I've become extremely comfortable talking over a good coffee or latte or whatever.

I've also had this bizarre pattern of drinking people who LOVE coffee but not so much booze, so going out for coffee works for them.

I also go out for dinner about as equally as I do coffee. No preference for me there.

Lenora Jane

@paddlepickle Maybe they think they are being Less Sketchy As Internet Strangers? Like, "oh, I am seeing her during the day, and not boozing her up, that makes me less suspicious?"

That is what I would surmise.

ejcsanfran

@melis: For me, it's more of a memory... A faded one, at that.

JessicaLovejoy

@ejcsanfran Yes, I am widely known for my bigotry.

nevernude cutoffs

@Statham Drinking PEOPLE? Your text message HIM #1, aren't you?

ilikemints

@JessicaLovejoy Well, my experience of coffee dates have always gone extremely well. I met my bf of almost 6 years at a coffee shop! We went and still go to coffee all the time! But granted, he's epileptic, so he can't drink alcohol, and we met when I was 20, so I wouldn't be served anyway. But even after I turned 21, I didn't like being the only one getting tipsy on a date. Coffee dates can work out!

rocknrollunicorn

@JessicaLovejoy I do not do coffee with dudes, either. Coffee always kind of upsets my stomach AND it doesn't lower inhibitions, so I figure what's the point.

Statham

@nevernude cutoffs Hahahahaha I meant dating. Hahahahaha.Oh that's priceless.

anachronistique

@Dancersize Je suis le Presidente de Burundi!

paddlepickle

@alphabiddycity Nahhh I mean clearly it works for some people! I'm just such a lush that I can only really date other lushes.

alphabiddycity

@paddlepickle Haha! I'm a major lush. Hence why I will be rapidly downing a glass of wine before I leave for the date. ...for nerves. I think.

paddlepickle

@Lenora Jane Possibly! That's why I always end up going for the coffee instead of being like 'we're meeting at night why don't we just go to a bar?' Because then I think I'll sound suspicious. But I can't even drink coffee at nighttime or I'll be up all night! THIS IS WHY I'M NOT DATING RIGHT NOW TOO MUCH BEVERAGE-RELATED STRESS.

SheWhoReadsInSkirts

@JessicaLovejoy Me and my mahn do coffee dates as a matter of habit. It's cheaper than alcohol, and also we both like sitting in cafes with laptops and listening to indie music.

sophi

@JessicaLovejoy I hate coffee dates. Coffee makes me jittery and farty and it makes my breath smell bad! Me drinking coffee is me at my absolute worst, no one should have to see that, at least not during the very beginning stages of a relationship.

spoondisaster

@JessicaLovejoy I am not a Coffee Drinker so I may be biased, but coffee breath. Coffee. Breath. Why would you even consider getting sexy with someone with coffee breath? The thought of it makes me shudder.

SarahP

You can actually order tea on coffee dates! It's okay!

MilesofMountains

@JessicaLovejoy I always do coffee first-dates with online dating people. I like to schedule it in the afternoon so if it's going badly I have an excuse to bow out after half an hour "to get back to work".

I don't drink coffee, though, so it's really tea dates.

spoondisaster

@SarahP You're absolutely right! I always order tea and I can't believe I didn't think of that.

liznieve

@sophi I love coffee, but bloaty, jittery, bitter-breath-y, and ADDING TO THE NERVOUS rather than subtracting just isn't an attractive look for me.

Give me booze or give me death. Or something. <3 u, Boozie.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@MilesofMountains: Seriously, I don't see why this is a thing. You can get tea, or water. It's a 'coffee' date in name only; you meet in a public place, sit and chat, and if it's a dud you walk away in 15 minutes. If it rocks you go 'Hey let's grab dinner' and then do whatever.

gobblegirl

@ilikemints I am also epileptic, but I can drink (everyone has different triggers, of course). Thank goodness! I can't drive because of it though, so I can basically drink however much I want wherever, whenever ;)

Inkling

I'd much prefer getting to know someone in a coffee shop than a bar (seems like it'd be quieter, more in depth people watching, better snacks) but coffee makes me poooooop like whoah.
I dunno I guess I just wanted to see if anyone else poops immediately from coffee.
I don't go on many dates okay.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@Inkcrafter: Coffee does this, yeah.

Craftastrophies

@melis You know what they say about idle hands.

ms. alex

@Dancersize YES. This is the only thing I can think of when someone mentions meeting someone for a cup of coffee!

angelinha

@alphabiddycity How was your date??

alphabiddycity

@JessicaLovejoy SO GOOD GUYS SO GOOD. I'm waiting for the open thread so I can ramble about it in length

mc coolfriend

@Inkcrafter Yeah, that is a normal thing. I find that's why it goes so good w/a Camel first thing in the morning. (Though that may not be so much a thing and just me)

lil_bobbytables

I just have to interject: I believe showering too much washes away pheromones or something, so maybe showering more would decrease the texts about Jesus' love? I am not too sure, but I feel like there should be a study done about this.

@serenityfound

@lil_bobbytables The rare times I get hit on by randos is when I feel "gross" (ie, haven't showered or shaved or whatever). So I would agree with your hypothesis that showering more would decrease such texts from conversion-happy juiceboxes. (SOCIAL) SCIENCE!

BuffyBot

@@serenityfound
If I am unshaved and in granny period stained underwear, all the boys will be in my yard.

ThundaCunt

@BuffyBot lmao! YESSS...why is this? It never fails...leave the house is sweatpants, unwashed hair and no makeup and the DUDES are OUT...leave the house looking PUT. TO. GETHER....NOTHING! i seriously hate it!

danpossiblytheman

@lil_bobbytables i know it's stupid, but a lot of us dudes can get a bit intimidated by a PUT. TO. GETHER. woman, even if we agree she looks amazing. Plus, girls without makeup and with messy hair and super cute.

Emby

You see the problem, right? Where you went wrong? Let's revise:

Him: Are you familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality assessment?
M: Yes.
Him: Might I ask what your results were?
M: No you might not.

And then the rest of this never happens.

JessicaLovejoy

@Emby This dumbass would just guess and smugly surmise he's correct.

ejcsanfran

@Emby: Not quite...

Him: Are you familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality assessment?
M: No.

Emby

@ejcsanfran No, but then he'd probably try and tell you about it!

But I like where you're going with that.

Him: Are you familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality assessment?
...
...
...
...
Him: Fine! I'll go crazy-asshole-stalk someone else!

ejcsanfran

@Emby: UNSUBSCRIBE

TheBourneApproximation

@Emby I surmise that this gentleman probably refers to women as "females."

thebestjasmine

@TheBourneApproximation Is there a better juicebox predictor in the world than the man who refers to women as females? No. No there is not.

miwome

@thebestjasmine Let me start by saying, yes, this terminology is fucking TERRIBLE. But on the other hand, I used to work with a large number of young black men from Boston's inner city, and they ALL said that, and I can't say they were all juiceboxes. There was a lot of latent unexamined misogyny, no doubt, but...it was just a word they all knew and used. Even the girls said it. It was just the word.

It was a battle I knew there was no point trying to fight, unfortunately. But anyway, not all of them were juiceboxes.

dracula's ghost

@thebestjasmine SERIOUSLY

TheBourneApproximation

@miwome Well, naturally, not every guy who uses the expression "females" is a douchebag, and it's interesting that it also came up in that context. But there is a *very* high correlation between the term's usage and college-aged young men who are in love with approaching life "logically" (say, by randomly texting a lady to confirm a personal hypothesis on her Myers-Briggs assessment).

miwome

@TheBourneApproximation Yeah, no, I agree that that term when used by the demographic of "males" most likely to be dated by Pinners is a near-universal sign of douchery. I just got all weirdly nostalgic.

Jon Custer

@TheBourneApproximation Also, cops.

Myrtle

@Emby Him: Are you familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality assessment?
M: Yes! What are you, by the way?

dontannoyme

@thebestjasmine You are right. I also find the phrase "I adore women" a very useful marker. And yes, Howard Jacobson, I am looking at you.

bonnbee

INTJ for the win! Stay away, you flighty ENFP dreamers!

And my face muscles are NOT underdeveloped, you big fat jerk who sent that text message!

PistolPackinMama

@bonnbee :( ENFP here... feeling a bit on the outside now.

Ophelia

@bonnbee I wonder if, since I'm an ISTJ, I have only semi-developed facial muscles?

lil_bobbytables

@Ophelia Between us, we have the facial muscles of a god!

one cow.

@bonnbee Me, too! ENFPs are greeeeaaaat (except that I apparently can't do anything that contributes to society)!

beanie

@Ophelia ISTJ here too! Though, I just took the quiz and am in a rather hermit mood so not sure about the accuracy. Being judgmental is definitely correct though.

Katie Heaney

@beanie ISTJ PARTYYYYYYY

beanie

@Katie Heaney but not a real party because they drain us, perhaps just some wine and cheese with a couple of close friends?

Katie Heaney

@beanie hahaha EXACTLY

Jolly Farton

@bonnbee i'm an ENFP too, commme onnn leeet uuus huuuuugggg yoooouuuuuu you know we belong together!!!

Craftastrophies

@bonnbee I flip between INTJ and INTP, depending on how anxious I am at the time. Just took it again and got J. Might need to do something about that... but thinking about that makes me annnxxiiioouusssss.

scottssions

@Craftastrophies I also flip between J and P (INFJ/INFP) but my jaw is sooooooo developed! I constantly grind my teeth or do the anxious-clench thing. Does that mean anything?

Craftastrophies

@scottssions God, me too, actually.

What does it MEAN OH NO!

NellieBly

@bonnbee Haha, you almost made me choke on my coffee. ISTJ FTW! We should have a short, snark-filled get-together sometime.

atipofthehat

Nothing wrong with being INTJ if it WORKS. Obviously, if it doesn't, you start over and build another personality.

@serenityfound

@atipofthehat You don't even need to build another personality if you know how the test "works". It's so easy to trick/sway (says the person whose mother was a comm professor and has been taking it and the Keirsey tests since she was 12).

Poubelle

@@serenityfound Seriously, I think Meyers-Briggs is like astrology for educated people.

wordnerd

@Poubelle Bahahahaha! YES! SO TRUE!!! Here's how that conversation should have gone:
Him: Are you familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality assessment?
M: Yes. It has low predictive validity and has been all but abandoned by serious personality researchers.

City_Dater

BUT WHAT DID THE CRAZY MAN WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT?

Sorry, I've had a lot of candy this afternoon.

Also, these always make me so glad I dated all the worst people in my past long ago before there were cell phones.

parallel-lines

@City_Dater (yell away, I want to know too!)

Slutface

@City_Dater Yes! I'm dying to know what the coffee urgency was all about.

Katie Heaney

@City_Dater The first (R's) was to try to save her. K's (haha, "K's") was a love confession of sorts.

AndSomethingElse

@Katie Heaney Of which sorts?

Gah, saving people.

SarahP

@Katie Heaney I would so prefer the saving conversation! It's like awful/awesome. Love confessions are just awful.

AndSomethingElse

@SarahP Can you meet me in a coffee shop? PS IT'S NOT ABOUT JESUS

Confession: I've done this. I was in ninth grade! She was not in love with me back. It was very, very, very awkward. My palms were this sweaty: (making gesture representing sweatiness). I was very conscious of my face. It felt like I was making all kinds of weird expressions and then I would try really hard to control them and then it would feel like I was imitating a mannequin. I had written down everything I would say first, like a Choose Your Own Adventure (and then I memorized it so I wouldn't have to refer to my notes). "If her response is 'I have some feelings for you too, but not all of them,' turn to page 10 for a totally suave response to that." But she immediately threw me off the script by saying something I hadn't thought of at all (I can't remember what, but it wasn't "I love you"), which was Insensitive Thing #2, the first being not being in love with me.

And I never did this again.

Katie Heaney

@Al Cracka haha aw!! that's okay! Ninth grade is a VERY acceptable time to do this sort of thing!!!

SarahP

@Al Cracka Awwwww, yeah, I agree with Katie: that was the right time to give/receive a confession. Sorry it was so traumatizing!

City_Dater

@Katie Heaney

Thank you!

Somehow I think Jesus would just hate the idea of people sending urgently worded texts inviting people out for coffee and salvation.

AndSomethingElse

@SarahP Oh, that's okay. I figure if you're not traumatized by ninth grade, you did it wrong.

whateverlolawants

@Al Cracka It was more 7th and 8th grade for me, but yeah.

Artful Dater@twitter

"There's something I need to talk to you about" = He needs to tell you in person all of the other places in your house that he's hidden his pubes.

Oh man, those pubes. I will never get over it.

www.artfulonlinedating.com

slutberry

@Artful Dater@twitter The pubes one made me start snorting with laughter while trying really hard to keep a straight face because I am in class and Prometheus Unbound is just not that funny.

skyslang

THIS is the best thing I've read online in weeks:
"I think they’re, like, volcano people. Lava feelings. They can’t help but erupt and destroy.
K: Ugh. That’s why I prefer a nice, slow-rising feelings flood. That way, by the time you drown to death you’re kind of like, well, I did see this coming."

nerds

@skyslang Yes! I laughed so hard at that!

whizz_dumb

You've captured the awesomeness and endearing cheesiness of The X-Files perfectly.

@serenityfound

@whizz_dumb I just wanted to say: YES X-FILES.

chrysopoeia

@whizz_dumb And by awesome and endearingly cheesy, you mean the greatest long-form sci-fi drama of all time. ::glances tellingly at own avatar::

Katie Heaney

@whizz_dumb that is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

whizz_dumb

@Katie Heaney Sometimes I don't want to spend 20 minutes deciding on what to watch on instant so X-Files is my go-to. Never disappoints. I think I'm in season 6.

isavedlatin

I'm an INFP. We're supposedly rare! What are YOU GUYS?

PistolPackinMama

@isavedlatin ENFP, evidently also rare? We are 2%-8% of the population.

I am inspiring, apparently.

@serenityfound

@isavedlatin I've always tested as an INFP, but I suspect that was somewhat swayed by being raised with two NF parents. Last time I tested, I think I was borderline on either the F/T or P/J scales.

ejcsanfran

According to the test I took, I'm a CRAB.

Ophelia

@isavedlatin ISTJ. I also once took a personality assessment that put me as some sort of borderline narcissist? Which I frankly found surprising, but then again, I suppose I would.

Statham

@isavedlatin ENTJ.

hallelujah

@PistolPackinMama ENFP! Also, my facial muscles are over-developed in that my gestures are exaggerated to the point of being cartoonish. It all evens out!

Emby

@isavedlatin ENFP. But right on the F/T borderline. I identify much more with Thinking, so that's an odd one for me. The rest seem about right.

wasabi peas

@isavedlatin INFP/INTP. Depends on how many pictures of cute animals I've seen that day.

lavender gooms

@isavedlatin INFP too! It's definitely not rare at my stupid customer service job, though. I think the service world attracts people who are willing to bend over backwards to avoid all that stomach-churning conflict.

fuck fuck fuck

@isavedlatin ohhh if we're comparing rareness penises, i think mine is biggest! INFJ!

edited to add that it actually sucks!

Megasus

@isavedlatin INFJ? I had to take one cuz I couldn't remember. Also I laughed really hard at the question "You often think about mankind and its destiny" WHAT!?

chrysopoeia

@lighter fluid Because we're highly complex wounded puppies?

wilarseny

@lavender gooms INFP WHAT WHAT. I have actually bonded with people over this.

BoozinSusan

@wilarseny ENFP, mofo!

laurel

@isavedlatin Just took it now: INFP

thejcar

@lighter fluid also INFJ. Sad story of my life: when I was younger (Jr. High, HS) I would always get INTJ. The description of that is basically like, you are a genius whose sheer brainpower and insight will save the world. And then once I started emotionally maturing (not a knock on INTJs for life, I just happened to also be emotionally immature!) I started forever getting INFJ. The description of which is pretty much like, you are weak and flighty and not really good for anything practical or perhaps anything at all. This is one of the larger grievances of my (obviously sheltered) life.

Bitterblue

@isavedlatin INFP here too! I think we're more prevalent on the internet than in real life, because it's easier to socialize this way. That's my theory, anyway, because half my internet friends seem to be INFP/INTP.

beeline96

@lighter fluid @megan patterson@facebook
MAYBE WE'RE NOT SO RARE? Or we all congregate on The Hairpin
@thejcar I didn't get the impression that INFJs aren't good for anything... If anything, it reinforced how I feel awesome about myself (or, I guess, it allows me to examine why I'm not feeling awesome at a particular moment?). You gotta own it. Also maybe retake the test...

BECAUSE YOU GUYS, I took this friggin Myers Briggs test in bed one morning with a (now-ex) boyfriend because he wanted to "see what I was" (if we were compatible? GUESS NOT). ????

cuminafterall

@isavedlatin As an INTJ, I can inform you that we're all rare. There are 16 different possible results for the Myers-Briggs test. So the average percentage of the population with any given Myers-Briggs result is just 6.25%.

(OMG I just sat down and calculated that, I am SUCH an INTJ!)

cuminafterall

@cuminafterall I should also clarify that my facial muscles are very well developed.

sophi

@isavedlatin INTJ, holla! I always used to get INTP when I was younger, so... that's weird.

@serenityfound

@sophi It's not that weird, actually! Our E/I and J/P values often shift over our lifetimes, but the core combination (NT, for you) usually stays the same. I can't remember the reason, now, but it's A Thing.

@serenityfound

@Bitterblue I've always found higher concentrations of INFPs in online and certain academic situations than anywhere else.

Altliv

@isavedlatin INTJ all the way. I like the one test where it tells me that my career should be a dictator. And I have well-developed facial muscles from grinding my teeth at the stupidity of some people.

no way

@isavedlatin INFJ borderline INTJ. It does seem weird that we less statistically represented types are gathered here. If anyone is curious, here's a breakdown of the type frequencies.

dale

@isavedlatin INFP solidarity!

liznieve

@no way
ENTP, the "Inventor." a rarity, apparently? 2%?

MilesofMountains

@isavedlatin I can never remember what I am, so I have to keep retaking it, and I suspect I get a different thing every time. I got an ISTJ this time, which from the descriptions sounds like the most boring personality type in the world. I was also borderline ISTP, which is slightly less boring. Either way, neither sounds at all like me.

Katie Heaney

@MilesofMountains ISTJs read badly on paper but we're big softies/more fun in real life.

wee_ramekin

@MilesofMountains I can only remember that I am an "E" something, but that I was literally 51% 'E', '49%' I. Which makes a lot of sense, because I find social interactions really draining, but start bouncing off walls if I'm alone for too long.

SarahP

@serenityfound Ah, I was wondering if we change. I just took a quiz and got ENFJ, which does sound like me, but I know I got something different when I took it years ago.

Megasus

@isavedlatin BUT creative and organized!

sans serif

INTP! anyone? anyone?

fuck fuck fuck

@chrysopoeia exactly. highly empathic = everything hurts for the rest of my life?? i have been trying to change my personality type with little success for the past two years.

chrysopoeia

@lighter fluid I always ride the INTJ/INFJ line when I take these tests, which means I am a hypersensitive genius robot who loves you. That's like, the worst kind of robot. You can't fight in a robot war like that.

I think it's best to just accept and move on.

tortietabbie

@isavedlatin ISFJ here - kind of a doormat, apparently.

It's all happening

@isavedlatin INFP over here too! I've taken it at three different times in my life and always gotten that, so I'm finding it hard to argue with the assessment. Another personality test: gauging your reaction as you read the description of your personality type. Mine is a potent mixture of eye-rolling and deep-seated satisfaction that I am, in this small way, like Audrey Hepburn.

saywhatnow?

@It's all happening INFP here too... As many times as I have taken the test (and I am an old, so many times) I always get the same answer. So there ya go...

phillystout

@isavedlatin INFP!!! Totally unabashadly INFP here! Take the near missive I wrote on last Friday's open thread as evidence. UGH and that totally blew up in my face. I could go on, but am wary to drag my issues into this thread. Anyone interested in a sad update? :(

Katie Heaney

@all you INFPs just warm my heart. my BFF (R) is an INFP too. you guys have a lot of feelings and I love it.

phillystout

@It's all happening Or Princess Diana, or George Orwell, or Aldous Huxley (thanks Wiki)! Was Princess Diana's personality something that was actually discussed? I'm intrigued.

nowwhat

@isavedlatin oh haaay fellow INFPs... I'll just quietly join you over here.

Craftastrophies

@wee_ramekin Yeah, mine is always 'needs alone time, finds people draining', but I shift between P and J depending on how good I rate myself at small talk, etc. And how nuanced the test is on that area. I mean, I will forever put that I prefer a book to a party, but if the question is do you prefer a small dinner party to being alone all weekend, I'll pick the former. And if they ask me if I find people relaxing, I say NO, but if they ask if I'm good at meeting people, when I am anxious I'll say no, otherwise it's a big yes. I'm amazing at small talk, it just makes me want to DIEEEE.

True story, at my last job I had to do some last minute photocopying for a manager's meeting, and part of it was myers-briggs at work. Mine was all 'don't give them busy work, or repeat instructions, do explain things so they understand, then they will work hard for you. Don't expect them to follow flighty or unreasoned instructions'. It was all 100% true about how I like to work. I ran myself off an extra copy, realised that I was never going to be happy where I was for those very reasons ('I've JUST had this brilliant idea!' NO YOU HAVEN'T) and started looking for a new job.

isavedlatin

@cuminafterall I'm basing my information solely on the embarrassingly titled book "Please Understand Me" (aka the Keirsey Temperament Sorter). INFPs are less than 1% of the population, so they say. WE DON'T EVEN GO HERE. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUFT35S7Jb4

FickleMoon

@isavedlatin ENTJ. Everyone follow me, you guys!

redonion

@isavedlatin INFP! I feel like a lot of my responses were mood based, and the personality description seems a lot nicer/more caring than I usually feel, but I know I have gotten INFP before (I remember you from college, Healer description).

caddie

@isavedlatin I'm an INFP too! I don't really remember what that means, except that most of my friends are INTPs and there's been some mild insinuation that having an F instead of a T means that I'm dumber than they are.

aubrey!

@isavedlatin I am also an INFP! I have never met one in real life, but also I am not very social so that might be why. And I remember reading the "INFP as a child" section in Please Understand Me and feeling like it was practically a biography.

sevanetta

@lighter fluid INFJ...

Sydney C

My takeaway is that you and your friends know WAAAAAAAAAAY more boys than I do. I should probably move.

Katie Heaney

@Sydney Oh girl some of these are definitely repeat-offender juiceboxes.

missupright

@Sydney C Oh my god, this.

PistolPackinMama

I needed this, after a kind of sad dating situation. At least I am not alone in my woeful state. Dating rarely makes me sad anymore. But it does today.

miwome

@PistolPackinMama D: I'm sorry. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

PistolPackinMama

@miwome That's... good? :/

miwome

@PistolPackinMama Sorry, I just meant like, I/we are here for you? I meant to come across sympathetic, that's all.

PistolPackinMama

@miwome I know... I was being silly. Thank you!

:)

itmakesmewonder

Dude: "INTJs have underdeveloped jaw muscles blah blah blah"
Lady: "Uh, no, that's TMJ, dummy."

itmakesmewonder

Also, these ultra-clinger demands for coffee and chest-getting-off-of time are creepy beyond belief. Reverse the roles and you have every terrible romcom lady trope.

HeyThatsMyBike

@itmakesmewonder YES thank you! I was immediately thinking "This strange gentleman has clearly managed to mix up INTJ and TMJ, because I actually study personality assessments for a living, and there is definitely no research indicating any particular personality type is associated with slackjaw."

Also the Myers-Briggs is the bane of my existence. If I answer one question I'm on the fence about in the first place one way, I'm an INTP, if I answer it the other way, I'm an ENTP. That alone means you don't have a good test. And other science ladies will understand what I mean when I say it is a very very bad test because they've done absolutely no criterion-related validity studies on it. So it's about as good as those Cosmo quizzes that tell you whether you're a bohemian-hipster, preppy-mod, classic-romantic, or vampire-werewitch person. /rant

parallel-lines

He called you a slackjaw introvert? Punch him in the balls.

OhShesArtsy

@parallel-lines Oh, I'll show YOU slackjaw introvert!

Craftastrophies

@parallel-lines I was wondering if he was going to offer to develop her jaw muscles through oral sex, or something.

bean1

Once, on a first date with a consultant, just out of the blue, he guessed that I was an ENFJ. It totally freaked me out. I felt a little like he could read my mind. There was no date 2. Dating advice for men: don't ever employ the, "hey, what's your myers-briggs personality type?" line. I'd rather tell you I'm a Taurus.

Megasus

@bean1 yeaaaah Tauruses!

franceschances

@bean1 But why do so many okcupid profiles lead with this? If you're so caught up in your "personality type" I kind of assume you're a juicebox. Sorry.

pterodactgirl

@bean1 When my college advisor went over the test with me we both kept going, "Yeeeahhh...that doesn't really sound like me at all does it?" I don't know why, but for whatever reason (probably my extreme indecisiveness) my results were way off. HOWEVER, every time I go over my horoscope I feel like there's no way the stars aren't controlling my destiny because my astrological sign describes me eerily well.

So yes, basically let's all just talk about astrology now. It is superior.

beeline96

@franceschances YES.

bean1

@pterodactgirl and @franceschances and @megan patterson@facebook: first of all, I am sorry if I am not responding to comments the right way. New to this. Anyway, I assume people who are caught up in personality tests (for dating reasons or otherwise) are really, really one dimensional. I hope I'm not massively offending anyone, but really, I hope we're all more than a basic profile. Also, astrology, so fun! Tauruses rule.

SarahP

@bean1 I just took a quiz and got the same thing! Whoo. But yeah, back in my OKC days, if someone made a big deal about their Myers-Brigg type on their profile, I closed the window.

Craftastrophies

@SarahP I mean, I love this 'what thing are you?!?!' shit, but only because I like thinking and talking about myself and it's a convenient excuse to pretend that I'm deep.

fabel

Ahhh! Showering washes off your pheremones, that's probably why you're having such a problem ;)

frigwiggin

I'm sitting down and doing this Briggs-Meyers thing right now, and some of the questions! They need an area for explanation! Like for, "You are inclined to rely more on improvisation than on careful planning," I would need the space to write, "well, I always write lists and plan very carefully but then get to the grocery store and realize I forgot my shopping list at home so I inevitably just buy three pounds of mushrooms and some pastrami."

frigwiggin

@figwiggin Aaaand...ISFJ? Apparently?

frigwiggin

@figwiggin I "desire to serve others." Great.

fabel

@figwiggin Yeah, I was compelled to take this test after reading this post & I was INTP? But the questions!

fabel

Like there was one about giving in to temptation & I wanted to be like "Well, sometimes?"

laurel

@figwiggin Where are you finding the test (online I presume)?

frigwiggin

@laurel I just Googled "Briggs-Meyers personality test" and did the first one that came up.

alphabiddycity

@figwiggin Yes! I'm not alone. I can never find another ISFJ.

miwome

@figwiggin Dude, I have taken it so many times and I can never remember what I get because I concluded long ago that it's all hokum. Or maybe I concluded it was hokum because I can never remember what I got.

SheWhoReadsInSkirts

@figwiggin I think my favorite question is "My desk is usually neat and tidy". No. So much no.

ENFJ...like so. many. other. people.

AndSomethingElse

@figwiggin Okay, I took it too. ENFJ, but I felt like I was doing it wrong.

"In my leisure time, I prefer social activities."
"YES!"
A little later: "In my leisure time, I prefer to be alone reading a book."
"YES! THAT TOO!"

I failed the Briggs-Meyers test.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@figwiggin: That you feel anxiety at the lack of decisive language in the questions, is itself a dimension of the test.

Brunhilde

@figwiggin I need to do one for sober at-work me and one for real-world drunk me. "You are inclined to rely more on improvisation than on careful planning."

3pm: Well, I don't have anything packed and I kind of wanted to relax this weekend.

1am: Hey guys! Guys! Throw some sleeping bags in the back of the truck, we can stop in Enumclaw and sleep at the truck stop until the liquor stores open, and we'll be at the Gorge by noon!

SarahP

@SheWhoReadsInSkirts Noooooooo it told me only 2% of people were ENFJs! We are not unique snowflakes?!

AndSomethingElse

@SarahP It told me 2.5%. SheWhoReadsInSkirts is wrong.

frigwiggin

@Too Much Internet To that I say bleahhhhhh. Tests tryna trick me! I won't be outsmarted by no Briggs-Meyers.

redheaded&crazy

@figwiggin good cuz i'm sitting here thinking who are these people who actually know their briggs-meyers assessments off the top of their head?! I considered taking the test but then i remembered how long it was.

ADHDs unite.

Craftastrophies

@figwiggin "You prefer to rely on reason rather than emotion, when making decisions".

Well, yes, but my emotions are sometimes a reasonable factor! Noooo how do I answer!

ImASadGiraffe

@figwiggin I also am an ISFJ. I took this years ago and I was INTJ but apparently not anymore! People DO change...

Dancercise

I have totally gotten a "There's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time... Jesus loves you" e-mail. It's kind of the worst.

Atheist Watermelon

@Dancersize I had the juiciest of juicebox exes who became a born-again Christian at the same time that he was cheating on me with a born-again Christian (yay irony) and tried really hard to convert me by sending me loads of those texts/ emails. what?

wee_ramekin

@LittleBookofCalm .....That is terrible.

PistolPackinMama

@wee_ramekin And yet wonderful... in a vindication once your heart is healed from being broken and now you need a really good bar story to tell way.

The lack of selfawareness in that maneuver is astounding.

The Lady of Shalott

I wonder if that personality test guy is the same guy from Dear Prudence this week who wanted a stay at home wife? Maybe this is how he selects them.

Bitterblue

@The Lady of Shalott "Hello. Thank you for going out on a date with me. Before we start, can you fill out this form, take this exam, and then tell me your receptivity to being a housewife for the rest of your life? Serious applicants only, please." *folds hands*

myeviltwin

I would have texted back, "I'm a STFU."

laurel

Sigh, I need funnier friends.

leonstj

I have always kind of wanted to do "I have something to tell you. I know you think we are just friends, and have been basing our interactions around that, but guess what? I'M ACTUALLY MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU."

And then, ideally, I would give a speech about how we are perfect for each other and it's right there, and DUH, why don't we just start making out now.

Except...maybe it's just me, but I feel like that's really weird? Like, it's one thing to develop little passing crushes on platonic buddies (which I feel like it's okay to admit to a single friend "You know what's weird? I'm actually kind of crushin' on you a little this week!" - am I weird for thinking that?) but I don't know how people decide they fall in love with someone with, you know, being with them in a relationshippy way first?

Like, their are mad people I love as friends, who are also physically attractive to me...but I can't even fathom how I'd just "Fall in romantic love" with one of them without like, already having them as someone I make out and hold hands w/ (and the sex, and watching tv all night without the sex, and etc) first.

chrysopoeia

@leon.saintjean Yes. A thousand times.

rocknrollunicorn

@leon.saintjean Yes, this has never happened to me. I have never suddenly, or even not-so-suddenly, realized I was in love with someone who has been a platonic friend for years or decades. Then again, I consider sex with every single dude I meet or know, so I don't see how I could miss the potential upon first meeting a guy.

SheWhoReadsInSkirts

@leon.saintjean I feel like it is ok to admit crushes even to non-single friends, if you accept that crushes are things that are little and pass. I have definitely admitted crushing on various single/nonsingle friends in the last 4 years of not-being-single myself

wee_ramekin

@rocknrollunicorn This has happened to me, but it was with a guy friend from high school who I had known back before either of us had sex drives.

I hadn't seen him in a while, and I came back from college to see him perform in The Laramie Project, and that particular production started with a guy with his back to the audience. I'm in the crowd, all lusting after this dude's super hot, super cut back, and he turns around. My first reaction was "Daaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyum, that guy is hoooooooot..." followed quickly by "Shit shit SHIT *THAT IS YOUR BEST GUY FRIEND* FUCK SHIT". Which then spurred me to admit to myself that maybe I was actually in the deep, deep love with him (I was) and not just really good friends.

I doubt that this could happen to me now with my fully developed (and, at present, severely understimulated) sex-drive. Back then, I was sort of just discovering sexy feelings (I was a late bloomer).

frigwiggin

@wee_ramekin Hahahaha! Sorry I'm laughing, but I kind of love this trope in romance novels.

Craftastrophies

@leon.saintjean I feel like 1) that kind of Deep Love feeling is almost guaranteed to be not about the actual person, and therefore creepy. (As opposed to crushing on a friend, or transitioning a friend to a cuddle buddy and then falling in love) and

2) that 'hey! I have an emotion about you! Carry my emotional burden!' conversation is kinda gross. A part of me really really loves it a lot, because of ROMANCE and DRAMA! But most of me is like 'woah, we are grownups now, if you have feelings for a friend the polite thing to do is to have a casual, no pressure conversation about it, not make a huge drama so that they feel bad if they don't reciprocate!'

wee_ramekin

@figwiggin Don't be sorry -- that's my favorite plot line in romance novels too! I love the best friends who "suddenly" fall for each other, because in general, the "we met two weeks ago and now we have a Love That Transcends Time" aspect of most romance novels is really unbelievable to me (...although apparently stories about Scottish lairds and spirited lassies are like, totally realistic in my mind?).

Now that we're dissecting it in this thread though, I realize that this probably won't ever happen to me again. I am (fully) aware of my sex drive now, so if I meet someone I'm attracted to, I know that right from the start. There's no "big reveal" at some sudden point after we've become friends*.

(*Although, this did actually happen the first time I fell in love with a female-bodied person. But, in my defense, I had been humming along happily thinking I was straight for 24 years, so that one was understandable, I think.)

rocknrollunicorn

Hahahaha I am a lady who is trying to pull what those dudes in the last two are pulling. Not to express love or to convert him, but to give him the old what-for. And it's failing. Stupid dudes and their 6th sense that I want to tell the things they don't want to hear.

ilikemints

I took the test and am an INTJ, too. Reading the description made me feel a lot more capable than I am. I'm an illustrator who apparently should be heading corporations?

But my jaw muscles are ripped, so fuck that juicebox.

Katie Heaney

For the lovely commenter who suggested one time that she would buy merch (and others)...I have some mugs for you pallies! It's the MURDER text.

Craftastrophies

@Katie Heaney OMG.

Katie Heaney

@Katie Heaney @all ALSO I realized literally just now that I listed the price way wrong originally?? And obviously never wanted anyone to pay $26 for these things??? Agh I don't get Etsy. The price has been updated and now it's $10 for a mug.

SheWhoReadsInSkirts

Guys: one of the authors of the description of ENFJ's name is "Joe Butt" look http://typelogic.com/enfj.html

I'm sort of dying.

Craftastrophies

@SheWhoReadsInSkirts O_o

:D

You'll be sorry Jo March

Ugh, volcano people! May they stay far away from you and your fur babies.

I'm INFJ. I didn't remember what the thingy said about me when I took the test a couple years ago, so I just looked up a description and it's so accurate that I started welling up a li'l bit. Is it real? Is it like astrology? Am I just seeing what I want to see? Is astrology real?

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@You'll be sorry Jo March: It's based on real psychological research. There are many permutations.

scottssions

@You'll be sorry Jo March
Just wait until you take it from a trained M-B test giver/career counselor at my college who is also INFJ, and he tells you that INFJs are a super rare personality, and that you'll always feel different, but that your differences are vital to the world. Then you'll start welling up for sure...
Also, yeah I imagine it's pretty scientific but there's wiggle room based on mood and things.

redheaded&crazy

@scottssions well now I want to take the test and then get to be disappointed that i'm not the super unique rare special snowflake my mom always told me I was.

Craftastrophies

@redheaded&crazy Last weekend I told my partner that I was a special snowflake and he said 'you know, there aren't actually that many different snowflakes. There are a few basic structures, with flaws and variations that make them sort of different.'

Never date a science teacher.

Or a single parent.

Poubelle

@You'll be sorry Jo March Honestly I think the way it's used most of the time is pretty much like astrology for educated people.

miwome

Is it bad that the first thing I think re: the last two is he wants to tell her he has an STD? Because the one time I got that from a guy that was what I thought.

But it turned out he just wanted to make a really big deal out of how his roommate could NEVER KNOW we'd hooked up, because his roommate was my mopey-jealous ex-boyfriend. And my mopey-jealous ex had just found out I'd slept with one of his OTHER friends a while back (after we broke up! After!) and apparently hit the roof.

But the bright side: the conversation was not as bad as I thought it would be.

fabel

@miwome Whenever I get those can-we-talk-in-person texts, I always text back some variation of "okay but should I be worried? you know, WORRIED?" And if they don't get it, then it's just "this isn't about a sore on your gentials, right??"

Poubelle

@miwome Yeah, I know a guy who assumes any "we need to talk. IN PERSON." requests mean pregnancy or an STD. He says it's made it easier when it wasn't either of those things--"I just got dumped, but at least I don't have to worry about AIDS!"

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

OKCupid and it's progenitor, SparkMatch, both use modified M-B personality tests for romantic sorting. I liked taking them because I thought their questions were extremely interesting, as many of them I felt I could not divine which axis I was being placed on when I answered them.

Two questions I remember specifically:

Do you think the 1950's were a romantic period? y/n
If you were forced to kill either a puppy or a kitty, which would it be?

AndSomethingElse

@Too Much Internet "If you were forced to kill either a puppy or a kitty, which would it be?" HA! Best question ever.

Craftastrophies

@Too Much Internet

N

A kitty, because here they are a pest and kill all the native animals.

Jolly Farton

Katie this is perfect but I sort wish you had said "Hell hath no fury like a wicked witch SCONEd"

get it!? 'cause she owns a bakery?
ahahahahahahahhaha
i'm not even sorry!

Katie Heaney

@lilly pilgrim OMG

Jolly Farton

@Katie Heaney :D!!!?!?!!

redheaded&crazy

best question so far: You know how to put every minute of your
time to good purpose

hahahahahahahahaha

does that actually apply to anybody???

Craftastrophies

@redheaded&crazy I do know! I do!! But then I don't...

Alternative answer: that's what the hairpin is for.

redheaded&crazy

@Craftastrophies congratulations, how wonderful. ;)

Craftastrophies

@redheaded&crazy I didn't even know what that was in reply to in my email, but it made me laugh so hard.

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