Tuesday, March 6, 2012


Modern Truth or Dare

I've had a lot of time to think recently (don't ask), and one thing that randomly popped into my head is how horrible it would be to be forced into emailing someone you had romantic feelings for, 10 times in a row, without explaining that you were being forced to do so. What would you say? Would you send links? Or mini updates to the first email, each progressively more self-deprecating? ("No but this is the last one, I swear! I think!?") Or just boldly own it. Ten pictures maybe? I can't stop thinking about this!

Although it of course presupposes that the person you have romantic feelings for isn't someone with whom you're already intimately familiar, in which case getting 10 emails might liven things up ("what the?"). Because it's important to keep things spicy, or so they say. And I guess I agree. At the end of the day, though, I think I prefer the comfort of the known. Sorry, things have been a little weird.

123 Comments / Post A Comment


This is exactly why this is the website that autocompletes whenever a type the letter "t" into my browser bar.


@leon.saintjean Agreed. 100%

Also, A Spider, I would probably make it all about correcting typos. One after the other. Probably about typos in the errata email. Because why not?

Also... were you dared to do this?


@PistolPackinMama I have to prevent myself from sending apologetic emails about typos/punctuation errors All. The. Time.


I kind of do this to my husband sometimes anyway. (In my defense, it's usually links to funny webcomics. And/or feministy analyses of video games.)

BUT if I had ever been faced with having to do that to a crush before I met my husband, I probably would've off myself.


Also, A Spider, chill out.


@SarahP I do this but on Facebook to my Gentleman Caller; and by "I do this" I mean "I am about to do this and then instead I spend 3 hours panicking about if he will think I am being Facebook-needy"

Hot Doom

@Nutmeg The other day I saw my BF's FB notifications tab, and the past 5 or 6 were all from me :[ I think now would be a good time to reign myself in on the links and oddball comments.


@SarahP I have been known to email a ladyfriend three or four times in a row. She can't check her email all day! I can! I have things to say! I've been meaning to ask her if that bugs the crap out of her.


@Alexander Judging by what you said her job is I'm pretty sure she's not bothered by a lot! She sounds like a keeper actually.


@iceberg Thank you! It is my plan to keep her.


@Alexander I have a friend I do this to too. She's a busy grad student and a) I have a desk job b) she and I studied the same thing and used to be roommates so we talked ad-hoc about Intellectual Ideas all the time, so I inevitably think of something in our field I want to discuss and she's my only outlet because I'm not in school right now, and consequently send her a million emails/text messages. I feel guilty for bothering her/making her feel guilty for not responding! But we just had a long talk on the phone last night about Intellectual Things as well as normal shit so I can breathe easy now.


@Ellie Right, so I'm just like that except minus the intellectual part.

I just checked: two of three emails Monday were about beards. And one from yesterday was about porn. (Actually it was about physics, but she thought it was about porn, so...close enough.) ("We need to talk about wormholes.")


Spider, do you need a hug?


@pterodactgirl Four hugs.

Passion Fruit

@Craftastrophies HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh God, I died. So perfect.

Daisy Razor

Spider, did you fall into the cooking sherry?


@Daisy Razor AGAIN?


@Daisy Razor Ever seen a wolf spider writhe around in a glass of milk you're about to drink? It's pretty terrifying


@Danzig! Oh sweet jesus, just reading that comment was terrifying, the thought that it could happen! *checks ceiling for waiting spiders*


@literary_hippie Have you guys seen this http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/more-news/spiders-spin-wet-blanket-over-wagga-wagga/story-fn7x8me2-1226292037518


I would feign spam.


@Decca Yes! I would just make the fakest, spammiest emails ever. About colons and stuff.

Judith Slutler

@alphabiddycity I am laughing so hard about this. How fun would it be to write 10 fake spam emails within like 15 minutes? Why do I find this idea so entertaining?


@alphabiddycity Or you immediately send one of those weird ones, where they ask you for money because you're stranded in Europe or wherever, and be like, "whoopsie someone hacked my account haha"


@Decca #2 Omg, that was SPAM! Someone hacked my account.

#4 Ah, it just happened again! I am so sorry! Haha, I don't think you need penis pills. I'm sure your penis is fine! I have a friend who works at GNC, and she says that they have to keep the penis pills in a locked cabinet. Also, anyone under 75 who buys inositol is using it to cut cocaine.

#6 UGH. SORRY, AGAIN. Stupid SPAM job offers, trying to trick you into a credit report. It seems like you have a great job. I saw pictures from your office party on facebook. It looked really fun.

#8 It's too bad that free vacation sweepstakes is obviously SPAM. :( Would you rather go to the beach or the city? Theoretically, I mean.

#10: Okay, just got off the phone w/ my internet provider! Looks like they've fixed the problem!



#4 "...velvety, smooth, but like warm steel in my hand. The handle of this tool I bought at the thrift shop, I mean, I don't know what it does yet, but I can't stop playing with it."


@Decca Dear Sir, I have been assured by my correspondence that you are a True Christian Gentlemen, so I have decided to entrust you. I am a Nigerian Princess, and I have need of you to secure in the amount of Ten Million Dollars. For your inconvenience I will leave you the sum of One Hundred Thousand...

bonus: hey, what if it works?


I guess I could blame it on my cat, since she did that to me a few weeks ago anyway. Though it was a friend, not a lover, and 4 emails, not 10. So...not at all the same thing, actually.

Related: I need to stop using my computer on my bed.


I would do this in a heartbeat, and they would all be subject "That Thing I Sent You."


@wharrgarbl Didja get it?


SUBJECT: RE: The Talc Situation
BODY: You're out of it!


@wharrgarbl "What are tonight's winning lotto numbers?!" ::writes them down on sandwich::


@everyone <3


@wharrgarbl Ha ha! Body in a woodchipper.


So, um, if I have a gmail conversation with 53 messages over a relatively short period of time, that means they return my affection, right?

Mad as a Hatter!

@wallsdonotfall I have this same question! We're at 225 now, and I'm still like...does he like me? He's flirty, but then he's not. GAH!


@wallsdonotfall UGH! Spiders, am I right?!?!?!


@wallsdonotfall I discount EVERYTHING I read on gchat. Ev-ery-thin-guh. Gchat is EVIL. It's like the new AIM, formerly nerdy young men (who happen to be my favorite kind) go on it to chat/flirt and validate themselves without any responsibility.


@alliepants this is the real modern truth.


Or send the same email 9 times and then on the 10th say, "Whoa, sorry, my email's been doing this really weird resending thing lately."


You need a hobby.



Or a hubby.


I would rapid-fire a bunch of like, Simpsons quotes or something. that way it's almost like they are really one email being sent in bits.


@iceberg I might do this with the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody.


Fake pocket emails!


"How are you"
"I said how are you"


"Fine, don't respond. See if I care."
"Okay I do care why aren't you emailing me back?"
"Is it because I ______ the last time we hung (hanged) out?"

Them: "Uhhh, I was busy at work. Sheesh."

Faintly Macabre

@leastimportantperson "I SAID I SAID HOW ARE YOU"

And so on?


You remind me of the babe.
What babe?
The babe with the power.
What power?
The power of voodoo
Who do?
You do.
Do what?
Remind me of the babe.

(Balls, I was sure that would add up to 10. I guess the last one is a picture of David Bowie or something.)

oh well never mind

@Inconceivable! All the likes for you!

Faintly Macabre

@Inconceivable! The last one is of Bowie's codpiece, obvs.


@Inconceivable! I signed in just so I could like this comment. I like this comment a whole lot.


@Inconceivable! And the tenth would be: YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME.

...which I may or may not use as a montra during stressful confrontations in which I must stand up for myself.

Atheist Watermelon

@Faintly Macabre yes, def a pic of bowie's crotch in that film. hmmmmmm


A link to the cell phone ghost story would be one of them, easily. So many possible reactions!


Dear A Spider:

When I found you in my bed this weekend up at the country resort, hanging out on that pillow and staring into my eyes, did that mean you have romantic feelings towards me?

PS: I'm sure all the girls tell you this but you're huge
PPS: That really wasn't cool


Omg what if you had to send them a link to their own facebook page with no explanation. AAAAAA!


@leastimportantperson There's a few spiders under a rock that might be able to put you up for a couple months.


Sounds like a version of this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQkF7fpw-wI


Oh god, what if you were forced to request a Facebook relationship after, like, date 3?


@alphabiddycity Speaking oooffff...do you have a date 3??


@klibberfish I'm currently downing a homemade margarita in preparation for date two!!! Which starts in 3 minutes! But we've already talked about doing things in a week or so... so I'm optimistic.


Does anyone have A Spider's email...?

This seems like the kind of thing that would happen during Truth Or Dare. I miss Truth Or Dare. It's amazing how creative and criminal kids can be. Or how talky they can be, once they become teenagers and are too lazy to make someone run around the house naked three times while screaming "POOTYTANG"


@figwiggin Ummm I'm a nincompoop who didn't read the title of the article. Ignore me, carry on.


Take a page from Charlotte's book and send compliments. SOME PIG. PIG SUPREME. TERRIFIC. (Pro tip: substitute your affectionate object's species for pig unless he or she is, in fact, a pig.)


@charmcity "tee double ee double arr double arr double eye double eff double eye double see-see-see-see"


That Goose is almost as good a speller as Owl.


@charmcity W-O-L.


@charmcity I laughed so hard at the idea of inexplicably getting an email that said 'SOME PIG'.


"You look really nice today."
"I said you look really nice today."
"Don't deny it! Just say thank you :)"
"Say thank you."
"Say thank you."


@Craftastrophies OMG I'm laughing so hard at that my husband thought I was crying (I've been writing a paper forever, it's not out of the realm of possibility)

And then, just to mix it up: "That'll do, pig."


@alphabiddycity Oh but whatifwhatif you were forced to send a link to a compendium of all your trashiest/gossipiest gchats to your WHOLE address book??? OH NOOOOOOOOOO D: I need to clean up my act.

Judith Slutler

@candybeans What if you had to link everyone to all your online commenting profiles? aaaahhhhhh


@Emmanuelle Cunt oh, i already fret about people piecing together THAT puzzle. especially with this inability to delete Pin comments over 5 mins after you make them (ie, the time when you realize you really shouldn't have said that thing in public...)


@candybeans Once my ex bf accidentally added a random acquaintance to our gmail thread (because they have that dumb "consider including" feature), and I almost died, BUT luckily it was a fairly normal few emails. If she had seen some of the stuff we would write to each other...aaagh.


@Emmanuelle Cunt NOOOOOOOOOO WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT. Now I will have nightmares.


@redheaded&crazy oh they'd probably just be like "yep. figures."


@melmuu AHHHHH you know how, when you're standing on a really tall building, you look down, and you get this weird flash in your head of, "hey, what would happen if you jumped? maybe you should just jump." THAT'S the weird flash I get when I see those name suggestions. It's like, "would you like to add [blank name], who you happen to be talking about in the very email you're writing?? COME ON, DO IT."


@candybeans Or what if you had to accidentally turn on the projector in your classroom before closing the Gchat on your screen about how shitty the lesson you're teaching is? What then, in that utter hypothetical?


@candybeans meeee toooo constantly self censoring


@Canard Once when I was in college a professor turned on his computer and it came up with his Facebook Scrabble game, which he quickly closed while laughing anxiously. It made me smile.


@melmuu Oh I did this, with a calendar, and everyone who I'd invited to come visit me in New Orleans instead got my gyno appointment reminder. Luckily, I named it "pony doctor" (the stirrups = pretend you're being fitted for your pony!) so it was only horrific to me.


@cinnamonskin Pony Doctor!! That does sound like it would be secretly horrific, but, Pony doctor! yay for that name!


@melmuu Dumb Gmail. Mine auto-suggests my landlord every time I email my man-friend due to some long email chains around move-in time. So, OBVIOUSLY, the one time I click it by accident was on a rather suggestive email to him. Then we get a response from him (a very sweet, very religious, elderly man) a few minutes later along the lines of, "You crazy kids, don't forget about that security deposit (??)!"

Mortified. Which I guess has worked out for him because I am way too afraid of making eye contact to do anything other than pay rent ONLINE, on time, and report nothing.


@candybeans that's how we got a friend to finally go to the gyno a million years ago, and it has stuck in the lexicon since. Ponies for all!


I choose Truth.


@whizz_dumb Fine. How many people have you frenched?


@melmuu they've had a lot of fun, cowboy.


Turns out, the answer to life, the universe, and everything happens to fall inside my ballpark estimate of make-out partners. When's the last time you racked your brain and counted sexual conquests?

Atheist Watermelon

@whizz_dumb your answer made me soooooo happy :-)


@melmuu We need to use the term "frenched" more often.

apples and oranges

if I were really clever and witty, a series of interconnected email riddles


I would send something like a flip book but in email/emoticon version.


I read this poem last night before going to bed, and then had to chant "NO NIGHTMARES ABOUT SPIDERS" repeatedly in my brain before going to sleep.

Design, by Robert Frost

I found a dimpled spider, fat and white,
On a white heal-all, holding up a moth
Like a white piece of rigid satin cloth --
Assorted characters of death and blight
Mixed ready to begin the morning right,
Like the ingredients of a witches' broth --
A snow-drop spider, a flower like a froth,
And dead wings carried like a paper kite.

What had that flower to do with being white,
The wayside blue and innocent heal-all?
What brought the kindred spider to that height,
Then steered the white moth thither in the night?
What but design of darkness to appall?--
If design govern in a thing so small.



Love the subjunctive, Bob!


@Decca That is possibly my favourite poem, ever.

Except maybe Donne's 'To His Mistress Going to Bed'

"By this these angels from an evil sprite ;
Those set our hairs, but these our flesh upright.
Licence my roving hands, and let them go
Before, behind, between, above, below."

[fans self]


O, my America, my New-Found-Land,
My kingdom, safeliest when by one man manned,
my mine of precious stones, my empery,
How blest am I in this discovery!
To labour in these bonds is to be free...


@Craftastrophies I studied that poem in a class with a prof who already got me all hot and bothered. And he read it out loud. HOOOOOOOOOOBOY.





A NOISELESS, patient spider,
I mark’d, where, on a little promontory, it stood, isolated;
Mark’d how, to explore the vacant, vast surrounding,
It launch’d forth filament, filament, filament, out of itself;
Ever unreeling them—ever tirelessly speeding them.

And you, O my Soul, where you stand,
Surrounded, surrounded, in measureless oceans of space,
Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing,—seeking the spheres, to connect them;
Till the bridge you will need, be form’d—till the ductile anchor hold;
Till the gossamer thread you fling, catch somewhere, O my Soul.


@teffodee <3 Love John Donne.

Angry Panda

You mean this is not a normal thing to do? My best friend and my boyfriend are used to getting emails 10 times in a row from me, mostly links to things I've read. I do overthink sending emails to people that aren't my best friend and boyfriend, though, exactly like A Spider. In fact, I started using Google Reader to control my link-sharing urges.


@Angry Panda Definitely different when it is an unknown/unrequited love. My gentleman and best lady will get ten emails a day from me without question, but that deep, secret, unrequited crush would get maybe one email every few weeks, and I would AGONIZE over it. AGONIZE.

Angry Panda

@teffodee Ah, so true. I have this problem with everything though. I agonize over everything I write. I have the undo send option enabled for my gmail account, and I always always edit my comments before the 5 minute window ends. I am constantly editing myself.
Edit: And I just did it again, although there was a typo, so this time it's justified.

Gordon Bombay

The real question is same or different subjects (same gmail thread or different one??)

"Hey, this video of cats eating socks is really funny"
"So is this article about the mating habits of sea otters"
"I also know you're looking for a job and I saw this"
"I should probably consolidate my emails..."
"Fuck, I just realized I sent another email saying that"
"Get on gchattttt"


OK, so I'm posting probably for the first time just to say: I have totally done this, and it was horrible and it was not a dare. I tried to blame it on combining alcohol with post-wisdom tooth extraction pain killers, but that was a lie. I sent this guy a facebook message inviting him to a concert that was like two months away, and then I sent him a second email apologizing for essentially asking him on a date two months in advance and then... it just kept going and going.

Anyway, we're still dating over a year later, so sometimes actually being a crazy person is OK.

Daisy Razor

@zobot So basically this scene from Swingers, but with email and a happy ending? Excellent.


I've been thinking about a old BF from...1995? Spent last evening and part of today trying to find him. He's a bigwig with a major farming equipment corp. Am making myself mad with finding an email address (he's all over Google d/t patenting a farming machinery piece). He got married but just want to check in; nothing more.


Who is forcing you to send e-mails? Are you tied up in a warehouse with Michael Madsen, listening to hits from the 1970s?


@atipofthehat At least A Spider already lacks ears.


@camanda Last night I had a fight with my boyfriend about whether bugs have ears. He said I was as cute as a bug's ear and I said that meant I didn't exist/wasn't cute at all. This prompted me to research it and I WAS RIGHT.

It was a good excuse to tell that joke* about grasshoppers having their ears on their legs, though.



@atipofthehat not exactly emails, BUT my two friends and I played facebook-(truth-or)-dare once while drunk skyping. There were plenty of comments on old boyfriends walls, tagging of inappropriate people in inappropriate photos, and even a fake engagement. The consequences for refusing a dare were...dire...and involved blackmail-worthy photos of each of us. It's a great way to create new memories of fun, regretful nights with long distance friends!


1) "So, I was reading about industrial farming and I came across this article i thought you'd be interested in..."
2) "Oh, sorry! Forgot to attach the link."
3) "You kind of have to search around on the page for it-- there's this drop-down menu on the left side, and it's under "Mid-western Canada"
4) "And by left, I mean right"
5) "And by western, I mean Eastern. It'sss... been one of those days."
6) "Found another! Attached, this one's PDF. Oh, and there's a really good book, I'll have to look it up..."
7) "Okay, so the book is called "Nasty Grody Awful Industrial Farms", and it's by Sunshine Aderty-Hyppi. Should be able to find it at a bookstore."
8) "In case you can't find it, here's an Amazon link"
9) "Man, I'm sorry about all these emails! I haven't had my coffee yet, and I'm at work & getting a bit send-happy. Don't feel obliged to answer them individually."
10) "Okay, last one, I promise. YOUTUBE LINK OF KITTIESSSS"

See? Easy. Only I would be embarrassed about it for a week afterwards. And possibly resist the urge to apologize a million times for it every subsequent time I emailed.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict


Crop rotation in the 14th century...

Right. "Crop rotation in the 14th century was much more widespread..."



It's "considerably more widespread", not "much more".

"Crop rotation in the 14th century was considerably more widespread...after..." God, I know this...don't tell me..."after 1172." ...Well, was I right?

No, but I didn't think it was important.

Well, what was it, then?

You just said not to tell you.

I bloody well did not!

Yes you did! You said, "Don't tell me" just before you said, "1172."

But I only meant for a minute!

What, a minute from now, or a minute from then?

Look, just shut up and tell me the answer!

Shut up and tell you the answer?

Just tell me the answer!


Thank you... "John"?

Yeah, "John" is the answer.

"Crop rotation in the 14th century was considerably more widespread after John?

"...Lloyd invented the patent crop rotator."

Oh, yes, I knew it, I bloody knew it!

You didn't, you didn't, you said "1172"! That's not a bit like "John".

Cat named Virtute

I'm not hungry. Let's have dinner.


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