Ask an Indelicate Question: How Are You Doing It Every 28 Days or So?
Welcome back to March Madness, Clean Person-style, a monthlong project we’re calling Let’s All Make… Our Beds. It’s just what it sounds like: we’re going to make our beds for the entire month of March. To keep everyone excited (and I mean, who wouldn’t be excited about this?), I’m tweeting regularly about all things bed-related — follow me @joliekerr and use the hashtag #LAMOB to join in — several of this month’s AaCP columns will be devoted to the topic of beds, bedmaking, and bedcleaning (got questions? Ask away), and my bedspiration-themed pinboard will continue to grow. With that, here’s part two.
A Clean Person question landed in my inbox recently, the first piece of which I know the answer to, but the second part of which is actually something I’d like to hear more about. So we’ve decided to toss it out to all of you for your thoughts.
Here goes: Period sex. Blood on things. Not going to jump up and treat everything right away, but — next morning, what do I do? (Also how the hell do people have period sex without making an insane mess? Towel, yeah, I’ve tried that. Towel is NOTHING.) Sorry.
So right, in terms of dealing with next-day clean-up, meat tenderizer is aces on older blood stains and also if your period sex-partner is a dude it provides you with a whole host of off-color jokes just waiting to be made! “I’ll tenderize your meat, baby,” and such. The other good thing about meat tenderizer, which you’ll make into a paste using water and then use as a spot treatment, is that you can control how much liquid goes into it, which is helpful when treating items like featherbeds that will need to be air dried (or hairdried). As for the sheets, treating them with a stain remover before laundering in cold water ought to do the trick, but I would definitely suggest getting the sheets into the wash as soon as possible. Which you’re going to do anyway, because you wouldn’t dream of leaving blood-stained sheets on the bed, right? Right??? Right.
There are other treatments for blood stains which have been previously covered in Ask a Clean Person, so I’m going to link to that as reference source for you.
Okay but the second question … I kinda got nothing. Well no, that’s not true — I have Trusted Ladies of The Hairpin (TLoTH), and so I emailed a very small group of ’em to explain about the question I’d just gotten and to ask the following: So sort of two things, I guess: (1) do you have things to add to the question? (2) Seriously though, how are you guys dealing with this because I have all-white linens and an, ahem, active sex life. #OxiClean.
The answers were interesting, though we didn’t really hit on a solution; this is where, hopefully, you all come in! But the conversation was enlightening enough in other ways that we felt like we wanted share some of it.
TLoTH #1: I feel like I grimly had period sex for years, until I decided I was secure enough in being a Sex Positive Feminist to admit that I secretly thought period sex was ick and too much work. (Not that it’s actually ick, just that I found it ick! <3 u, period sex ladies.)
But until I wussed out, it was stupid towels that didn’t work. And then you have a blood-soaked towel! And if you fall asleep after, you wake up and you have this MOMENT where you totally understand how Sid Vicious felt when he came to, y’know?
Wow, that went to a weird place.
TLoTH #2: I had a very similar ick moment! Though occasionally I will have sex on like, the tail end of my period? So there will be some stuff you need to wipe on a towel, which I will be able to quickly soak in the bathroom sink with a bit of laundry detergent and then wash and everything is fine. But mostly I figured out it just didn’t feel great when I was on my period.
But back to this period sex enthusiast, which, go her! I have actually had friends who have said they’ve managed to have sex WITH A TAMPON IN. Which I am totally amazed by, and I don’t think I’d ever do it, but it is possible. So, you can try that? I think it just moves to the side? It’s something to try, in any case. Or just declare it “blow job week” and have a fun time with that so he can have a fun time with oral sex week the week after.
TLoTH #3: WHAT!
With a tampon in WHAT!
No but WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TLoTH #4: Boringest answer ever: I don’t do it on day 1 or 2, and then after that I time it out so that I have a relatively fresh tampon in until two seconds before. Fuck a TSS. And also TWO towels, one for under you and one for any other messes.
Also, TLoTH #1! Never fall asleep after! Pee after. Always pee after, you guys. Signed, The Woman Who Refuses to Get UTIs Anymore.
TLoTH #5: FYI, I have had three glasses of wine and one beer, but I’d be this candid dead sober too, so whatever. I am firmly pro-period sex, ’cause it sucks to not have sex, especially with your boyfriend or husband or friend with benefits for a whole week. It’s fun! Pretend like he’s stabbing you to death with his, um … is that a fun game for anyone else? … No? Just me then? I usually go for a towel, too.
Otherwise, all blood stains I use the method my mother ceremonially passed down to me, when I first became a woman, for treating Period Panties. Rinse in cold water (hot water sets a stain!), scrub with soap, and then let soak for several hours in cold water. Works best with FRESH blood and pretty okay for the morning-after dried blood.
Sorry I am so weird (not sorry). Gonna go watch Vampire Diaries and see if I can pick up any other tips.
TLoTH #3: Yeah, I don’t really have any tips — it is a mess — other than: be in a hotel. Or, in the bathroom? Although joint showers are highly overrated.
TLoTH #6: SHARING A SHOWER IS THE WORST EVER. Boy does it feel good to say that.
In the spirit of sharing things that are not showers, here’s what I’ve got: I tend to love period sex. Raging sex beast, etc. I’ve noticed that it goes in cycles, though, when sometimes the absolute last thing I want is to have sex when I’m sur la rag. I’ve not tracked those cycles because cripes, another thing to track? No thanks. So I have no idea if there’s any rhyme or reason to my period sex-beastery.
But also! I’m in a long-distance thing and so if I’m getting my period over a visitation weekend? Sorry, we’re doing it. I try to clean up afterwards, at least as best I can, by taking a wet-but-not-soaking-but-more-than-damp washcloth to the stains. Sometimes I’ll even use a little soap! In terms of time-of strategies? Lady being on top really helps. Acrobatic concessions need to be made. I have gone in search of an inexpensive set of red sheets before. They are not easy to find.
Now that we’ve overshared, how about you have at it? One of you holds the secret, I just know it.
Previously: Make Your Bed.
Jolie Kerr is not paid to endorse any of the products mentioned in this column, but she sure would be very happy to accept any free samples the manufacturers care to send her way! Are you curious to know if she’s answered a question you have? Do check out the archives, listed by topic. More importantly: is anything you own dirty?