Wednesday, March 21, 2012


If You Had To/Would You Rather: The Internet Edition

"73% of Americans say they’d give up alcohol. 43% would give up exercise. And 21% would give up sex."
A new study asked insane people Americans if they'd rather give up the Internet for a year, or some other personal habit. 69% said they'd forgo coffee which is impossible because the internet doesn't even make sense until you've had at least one cup.

81 Comments / Post A Comment


Only 43% would give up exercise? That seems like the obvious choice.

Any One Ninja Plot

@DH@twitter Apparently I've been answering this question this way for years without even knowing it was a question.

oh! valencia

@DH@twitter does it count as giving it up if you're already not doing it?


@DH@twitter 57% of people are liars.


Giving up internet, or an excuse not to exercise for a year. How is that even a question?


When they say they would give up showers, do this mean more than one a day? I'm really grossed out that 7% of people think they could give up bathing for a WHOLE YEAR. This is coming from someone who doesn't even shower once a day too.

Porn Peddler

@beanie Yeah, I am...horrified. So horrified.


@Third Wave Housewife Could you just substitute baths? I'd do that.


@beanie Maybe they get to have baths instead?


Clarification: I'm big on daily showering and everything, but if it was a choice between switching to baths instead for a year or no internet, I'd invest in a new loofah and pick the bathtub.

Porn Peddler

@MilesofMountains Ughhh baths. Stewing in my schmutz. No thank you. Baths are nice AFTER I'VE SHOWERED.


@Third Wave Housewife haha, I shower after I take a bath! I shave my legs in the bath, though.

a small sea

@Third Wave Housewife I am a person who likes to shower before AND after baths. I'm sort of dreading the day that newish partner suggests we take a romantic bath (or something) and I will have to find a way to shower before/after and try to get him to also without showing that I am so wack.

Porn Peddler

I'd give up fast food, chocolate, AND alcohol without batting a fucking eyelash. Like the article said...telecommuter. Sorry craft beer, it ain't happenin.

But coffee? No no, coffee is a straight up addiction.


Lul please. You know that "giving up exercise" is just like when I was a kid and pledged to give up skiing for Lent. (I'm from Brooklyn, a bastion of winter sports!)


Wait, more people would give up sex than a car? Are they all in high school and without the car they wouldn't have anywhere to fuck?


@deepomega - God damn climate destruction. When I was in high school we also had the woods. I knew we were supposed to be saving the planet for some reason.


@deepomega I couldn't get to work, the grochery, or really much of anywhere without a car. There isn't any public transportation in my town and everywhere I need to go involves either an Interstate or Highway, no bike paths available anywhere. So I would have to choose the car over sex :(


@OhShesArtsy Maybe you could trade sex for rides to the grocery store? IDK, just spitballing here.


@deepomega Hmmmm, OPTIONS. Does my husband get to keep his car? This could work....

fondue with cheddar

@leon.saintjean I used to have sex in a car in the woods.


I cannot belieeeeeeeeeeeve that all these people would give up so much good shit in favor of the terrible internet. I would LOVE an excuse to give up the internet. I would get SO much reading done. Unfortunately most of my job consists of sending emails and checking things on the website of the university I work at, so that needs the internet, and it would be hard to find books I wanted to read without use of online card catalogs. Those are the only major problems I can think of though. I would miss sending emails to friends and family but it's not like we don't have phones.


@Ellie Ack! I don't know why this showed up here. I meant it to be a single post at the bottom (which it is . . . also).

30 Helens Agree

@jen325 I feel it is appropriate to mention that I lost my virginity in a car in the woods. (Klassy!)

fondue with cheddar

@30 Helens Agree Nice! It's probably classier than many. At least you were in the car, not on a pile of crunchy, dead leaves.

I managed to lose my virginity in a bed. I suspect that's unusual.


I haven't had sex in almost two years so...sex!


@Slutface Your username is apparently a misnomer, then?





@Slutface 3 here. And still I'd give up something else. I miss sex!

Porn Peddler

@Slutface I was kind of a late bloomer with teh sex and now I want to scream/cry/shoot myself after a week. Sex is way too much a part of my identity for me to not be fucking on the reg.


@Third Wave Housewife Are we the same person?! I have a big hairpin crush on you, but now I'm worried it's just because I'm a narcissist.

Porn Peddler

@SarahP omg I have been suspecting we are the same person lately too. After that thread about market guy/sex drives, holy crap.


@slutface @Mariajoseh Before I started dating my current boyfriend, it had been almost 2 years and I was having a serious George Costanza "I can't imagine a situation in which I will ever have sex again" brainmelt but now I'm fucking like a champ! So...it gets better?


@Third Wave Housewife Yeah, I'll give up pretty much anything before I give up sex. I will fucking walk to work--wait, it's 25 miles away. I will BIKE to work, getting ripped in the process, which will lead to even hotter sex. EVERYONE WINS.


@Slutface 2 for me, too. I don't freak out about it until I say it (because I'm pretty... self-sufficient), and then it sounds terrible. But if I were having sex, I would NOT give it up for the internet. And I would definitely not give up my solo time for the internet.


So, for what enticements would we give up the Hairpin?





@atipofthehat SHIFT

fondue with cheddar

@atipofthehat World peace?



@jen325 Not even for that.

(Maybe if we could make a mirror site called The Hatpin and take all the commenters there).

fondue with cheddar

@atipofthehat I feel like the attainment of world peace would be impossible without The Hairpin.


I've already given up a social life for the internet. What do you want from me?!


@laurel: I wouldn't have a social life without the internet. Of course, I use the terms "social life", "social" and "life" rather loosely.


Wait - am I the only one geeking the fuck out at the prospect of putting together each country's 'things they would give up' levels against each other for a comparison?

Like, 21% of Americans would give up the sex, and only 10% their car (WTF America, you're aware that Amil wasn't speaking for all women when she said that a buss pass disqualified you from having her put it upon your mustache). HOWEVER in Brazil, only 12% would give up sex, and 26% their cars.

I feel like Internet v. Fucking is a stat I need for every country as I'm considering a major life move. I use the internet all day at work, but the only reason I'm even in front of computers from 9 to 5 is because work is crucial to allow me to enjoy my time from 5 to 9.

(I actually work until six pm, not five, but it looked like an immature sex joke with my real hours written in).


@leon.saintjean I was actually thinking it would be cool to do this by US county? Like, clearly there would be a much stronger correlation with giving up one's car in places where you don't need to drive to get to the grocery store, but Internet v. Fucking would be quite interesting to see.

30 Helens Agree

@leon.saintjean Amil! In my excitement to see Amil mentioned, I blew cigarette ash all over my sofa.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

The internet's not supposed to make sense. Doing it drunk is more fun anyway.


As long as I'd still be allowed to take baths once I give up showers, drink tea once I give up coffee/alcohol, and use my vibrator after giving up sex...I would pick the internet over all of these things for a year. I don't know if that says anything good at all about me.


@Inconceivable! Hahah I said something very similar below. I am totally not proud of the fact that I would give up some very healthy things.


I don't drink coffee anyway so take THAT research!


@Megan Patterson@facebook Same here! Can I skew the numbers by saying I'll give up coffee for the Internet, and not actually losing anything?


I am ashamed that I would give up all of those things except showering. Well, I don't eat fast food or drink coffee as it is, but I'd happily get rid of the rest so I could keep ruining my eyesight, staying up too late, and being a sedentary pile of human organs.


I can't give up coffee. I'm a terrible person without it.


I'd give up my job.


@NeenerNeener But then how would you pay for internet!


@NeenerNeener I do all my best internetting at work!


@SarahP Lobby for it to become a human right like Sweden?

Or hang out in your public library all the time.


@SarahP: Well, of course someone's going to be paying me to make that choice...

@tortietabbie: Unfotunately, my internetting at work gets in the way of the working I'm supposed to be doing.

My comment was kind of like my own private joke because there have been times where I thought I might get in trouble at work because of the amount of time I spend internetting, so in a way I've kind of already made that decision. Except not really, I need my job.


If I gave up satellite navigation and not alcohol, I would end up dead in an alley by the end of the year. I live in a city built on a grid, I have an iPhone, and I have STILL gotten woefully turned around multiple times while trying to walk home, alone and drunk, from parties.


Hey, scientists...I'd be happy to get in on a study that required me to give up internet for a year in exchange for money. Call me!!


Is it fair to say I'd give up Satnav if I never use it in the first place? Also, I would give up fast food and exercise easy peasy. Alcohol v. chocolate is hard, but I think I'd give up chocolate before I gave up red wine, so there you go. But the HELL I'd give up showering. I live in Atlanta. You cannot give up showering here. It is just not allowed (except maybe in January in those off years when the weather gods actually give us winter, maybe).


@Scandyhoovian I feel your pain on the showering. I am in Tennessee and I'm already showering TWICE A DAY and it's only March.


I cannot belieeeeeeeeeeeve that all these people would give up so much good shit in favor of the terrible internet. I would LOVE an excuse to give up the internet. I would get SO much reading done. Unfortunately most of my job consists of sending emails and checking things on the website of the university I work at, so that needs the internet, and it would be hard to find books I wanted to read without use of online card catalogs. Those are the only major problems I can think of though. I would miss sending emails to friends and family but it's not like we don't have phones.


Lucky me! I don't even drink coffee, so I'm just gonna keep on internettin' and not having sex - which is not a choice per se, these things just happen! Thank Zeus for all that internet pr0n...


It said that 84% of people would rather gave up satellite navigation than the internet. That means that 16% of people would rather have a GPS than the internet. Who are those fools that would rather give up the internet than learn how to use a map or write down directions? I am stupefied.


@musicello11 Someone gave me a GPS as a gift and I still never use the thing. I would have to say, as far as little electronic gadgets in my life go, GPS is the most expendable. It ranks below my ancient big gray GameBoy and my Tomagotchi that hasn't had batteries in at least a decade.

George Templeton Strong

@musicello11 Every birthday, Christmas, and Valentine's Day I beg my partner to let me buy him a GPS and he refuses, because of pride. He has a terrible sense of direction, won't ask directions, and seems to suffer from amnesia every time we get into the car. Driving anywhere for the holidays or on vacation is a nightmare. Sample conversation:

ME: Take this exit.

HIM: It's not this one, we're not there yet.

ME: TAKE THIS EXIT! The sign says "Exit X, Destination Y." Destination Y is our destination. What are you doing? We just missed it!

HIM: Are you hungry? I think there's a McDonald's three or four exits down the road. Maybe we should go there first.

I indulge in magical thinking and believe that since he won't read signs or listen to me he'd be convinced by a stern female British GPS voice and maybe we could cut our travel times. I would give up the Internet if he would use a GPS.


@George Templeton Strong On the stern female British GPS voice - the one I have, you can download new voices for it. Mine sounds like Vincent Price.

George Templeton Strong

@OhShesArtsy Mostly off-topic, but an artist friend of mine once told me that in the late 1960s he was hitchhiking in Malibu somewhere and Vincent Price and his wife stopped and gave him a ride. Apparently they were a delightful couple, warm, funny, chatty, and VP was quite an art collector. RIP, Vincent. I now think the Easter Bunny has to foist a Vincent-Price-soundalike GPS on my companion. I would love to hear Vincent Price say something like "Cross Bronx Expressway approaching at three hundred feet. Two hundred feet. One hundred feet. Turn left now..."


@George Templeton Strong That is an excellent story! Vincent Price is one of those famous people who I really believed must have been so, so nice. I'm glad to hear that little story to back up that belief :)


@musicello11 Right? My iPhone-owning friend was all "HOW are you going to find where we're meeting without GPS?" and I said, "I'm going to Google it and write the directions down on a piece of paper." I mean, shit, really?


I would give up alcohol I guess. although then everybody would stop hanging out with me because i wouldn't be fun anymore (my friends literally describe me as "sober rhc" and "fun rhc" way to enable my drinking problem jerks)

jane lane

It's really easy to give up sex when you're already not having sex. Post-college life is the worst, you guys.


If there is one thing I miss about drinking, it is no longer waking up to a google search for "these happy golden years??"

Or the Facebook chat with my friend that just goes:
Me: I'm kfjk;bo druhhn
Him: haha, you're really drunk?
Me: ;lajfks;ajp8iogriojjlgtgggggggggggggggg


The whole purpose of alcohol is to faciliate seeking sex over the Internet. They're just so complementary!


Is it me, or was that article in the link really badly written? I personally would give up all but showering. That possibly makes me quite sad? But at least pleasant-smelling and sad.

Post a Comment

You must be logged-in to post a comment.

Login To Your Account