I watch The Bachelor. I tried writing, “I’m a big fan of The Bachelor” but deleted it and then re-wrote it and then deleted and re-wrote it like 65 times. Anyway, one of the things I like the most about The Bachelor is knowing with absolute certainty that the people behind the show regard its premise and the people on it with bottomless, mind-boggling cynicism and contempt and yet never really let on that the whole endeavor is anything other than a sacred quest for true love. I don’t know what they pay Chris Harrison to keep that concerned face throughout the whole thing, but it’s not enough. He never, ever winks at us to let us know that he knows that we know that he knows that the entire thing is an incredibly profitable charade, and that it’s all going to end very badly for everyone involved except Chris Harrison.
In the 10 or so years that, fine, I’ve been a fan of the show the only such knowing wink I’ve seen from the producers is when they add a subtitle to a given season of the show. The year The Bachelor was British they went with “The Bachelor: London Calling. Then there was a Navy doctor whose season was christened, “The Bachelor: An Officer And A Gentleman.” Airline pilot Jake Pavelka’s season was christened, “The Bachelor: On The Wings Of Love.” I love that so much. There was a theme song, too. Nobody could have created these subtitles in good faith and sincerity, and so they constituted a very rare smoke signal from the producers saying, OK, you’re right, we hate this show and the people on it, this isn’t what we envisioned doing with our lives at all, but you would not believe how expensive private school tuition is.
All of which is a very long way of saying that I am going to subtitle each installment of the “Hung Jury” series. This, our first installment, will be known as, “Hung Jury: Urine Big Trouble.”
Here are the jointly-agreed-upon facts from our troubled couple, who we’ll call John and Julie.
Sometimes, in the morning, John pees in the shower. John made the mistake of telling Julie this and she was totally grossed out. John has been doing this for years. He doesn’t just spray wildly about the shower; all the pee goes in the immediate vicinity of the drain and in an area where water flows. That is, the urine isn't just sitting around in a pool on the floor. John sees no problem with this, and Julie sees a really big problem with this. Should John cease and desist this behavior he believes is harmless but which Julie finds disgusting?
Julie’s Case: Let me just start by noting that I find this TOTALLY GROSS. We live in separate houses, and when he stays over he will often shower here in the mornings. He has admitted to peeing in my shower, which, just to note, I don't share with roommates or anything, but is still where I wash myself and keep my various lady products and maintain a level of weekly Scrubbing Bubbles cleanliness. He maintains that pee is sterile and that it is going down the drain just like it would if it were in the toilet. I understand both of these things in theory, but in practice I don't want his pee in my shower. I would like someone else in the world to affirm that peeing in my shower is gross (especially since the toilet is located right next to the shower, and has an amusing decal of Admiral Akbar saying "It's A Crap!" affixed to the lid). He can pee in his own shower if he wants, I guess, but I still think it's nasty, even if fancy "science" and "reason" (note: I totally love science and reason in real life) say it should be acceptable.
John’s Case: First of all, I'd note that there's absolutely no way to know if anyone has peed in the shower. In fact, pretty much any shower has probably been peed in at one time or another. Most people just aren't honest enough to admit it. But nobody notices. Why? Because the bottom of your shower is pretty much the cleanest place in your house — it's washed on a daily basis with soap and water. Shower water goes exactly the same place as toilet water and the water going to the bottom of the shower has just traveled over your body and therefore definitely touched feces — nobody's butt is perfectly clean. And urine is sterile, unlike poop! Finally, I'd note that peeing in the shower is environmentally friendly. Even modern toilets use at least 1 gallon of water per flush. Finally, it's just much more comfortable early in the morning and, since it does no harm, I don't see why I shouldn't do it — "It's gross!" is a feeling, not an argument.
My Verdict: One time at Scout Camp my friend and I were peeing next to each other, some heated words were exchanged about the color of my aqua socks, and things escalated into a pee fight. I took some incoming, and my initial reaction was one of revulsion. But my second reaction was, “This really isn’t that bad. Pee isn’t that gross.” I’m trying to identify and neutralize my biases here (I’m a dude, I grew up peeing at the same toilet at the same time with my brothers, I’ve lived in places where public peeing is pretty standard, I once got in a pee fight at Scout Camp, I’ve lived in places where the bathroom floor gave birth to organic life forms that have since developed opposable thumbs and personalities; they’re not people, exactly, but they definitely have consciousness, they (mostly) know right from wrong, and they’ve grown pretty dear to me, etc.). Still, it just doesn’t seem that gross to me. Sorry, Julie.
Perhaps the commenters feel differently? (Nah, no way. No way they feel differently. Asking them is just a formality, because there’s no way they’re going to feel differently.)
Previously: The Series Begins.
(And, please feel free to submit relationship disputes for future Hung Jury installations.)
Davis B. has been happily married for three years and has never even had one fight with his wife! And he's also too busy to watch TV. You can follow him on Twitter @davistbell.