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Wednesday, March 28, 2012

99

Girl Talk: Garrus

When it comes to video game character crushes, BioWare dominates the field. I a.g.o.n.i.z.e.d. over which character to discuss first, because they’ve given us so many wonderful crushable characters (and not just romance option characters. Heeey, Canderous Ordo! Oh, and you too, Varric!). Thankfully, popular demand made the decision easy for me, and today we shall swoon over…

GARRUS!!!

Garrus Vakarian. Oh, Garrus: your typical lovable bad boy who wants to do good things and does that by doing bad things and does it all so well. Who is also a strangely attractive raptor-dinosaur-alien man who is good with a gun. Garrus!

NOTE: As Mass Effect 3 just came out this month, I will avoid ME3 spoilers below. If you want to spout off about plot or character development in ME3 in the comments (and why wouldn’t you? Do so!), please slap on a spoiler warning for those who haven’t had a chance to/might want to play in the future so they can scroll by with the quickness. Let’s not jeopardize anyone’s future Garrus-love experience, ‘kay? That said, back to the hotness!

Garrus first makes his entrance into your party (heh) in the Citadel’s Upper Wards, when he shoots a baddy’s face off right over the shoulder of a hostage. Not the safest maneuver, granted, but his accuracy is guaranteed to impress regardless of where you fall on the Paragon/Renegade spectrum. Garrus is eager to right wrongs and sick to death of the politics and red tape that impede his preferred … direct approach to problem solving. I do like a man who is so determined to get results. And there are lots of other things to like about Garrus, too!

According to this extremely scientific pie chart (and as those who appreciate hot dudes and ladies in video games are already aware), voice acting accounts for at least 78% of the attractiveness of any given video game crush:

As we all know, the best dialogue just ain’t gonna work without the right voice, and the right voice can make some downright awful dialogue sound, well, damn sexy.

In most cases, I attempt to avoid any knowledge of voice actors as real people because, C’MON! I don’t want to meet Nathan Fillion, either! What if he destroys everything I like about him as an actual human being?! (No pressure, Fillion, just in case I do ever happen to meet you.) In Garrus Vakarian’s case, however, I find it worthy to note that in addition to sounding amazing, the man who provides his voice is also quite easy on the eyes. Double layer of good looking dude! Sexy within sexy! Real talk: I wonder if his wife ever asks him to do Garrus quotes for her. Would you, if you were married to him? You would, wouldn’t you. I knew it!

Garrus-induced butterflies intensified in Mass Effect 2. Gorgeous Garrus was not only BACK (why the nickname on Omega, G? You didn’t come up with that one, did you?), he was available. A legion of BioWare-lovin’ ladies who had previously been limited to a choice between one hetero dude and one lesbian-leaning female of various species (with the exception of Dragon Age: Origins, which also included everyone’s favorite promiscuous bisexual elf) pounced on Garrus like a pack of starving varren. Regardless of whether your Shepard chose to preserve her own evidence of facial mangling or smooth out her complexion, Vakarian carried his own injury with a swagger that gave us all some insight into the stereotypical mindset of the female krogan.

I present a Facebook Valentine I made for my friend Lauren in 2011:

In hindsight, why did I not catch that the first apostrophe is backwards? After 0.000135 seconds of rumination, OH DUH, because facial scars, turian … *sigh.* HOW WAS I TO NOTICE AN APOSTROPHE? No one ever called me out on that, for the record. Because good lookin’ scarred turian, see?

Awkward lap sitting aside (cross-species liaisons take WORK, y’all), Garrus knows how to win a lady over. Aside from the bucket list checkin’ off waking-up-next-to-a-turian potential, he’s a good man in a fight, he’s a loyal friend, he’s the most stylishly armored turian to appear in any of the games, and you know all of your gadgets would be perfectly calibrated with Garrus around. It’s sort of endearing when a guy does so much research on the correct way to get into your off-duty pants, yes? It is definitely endearing that he brings alcohol. As we’ve previously established, FemShep is not one to turn down a drink.

Without spoiling anything in Mass Effect 3, it’s safe to say that Garrus is still as roguishly handsome and quick with a wisecrack as ever. If you’re ready to become a one-turian kind of woman, it’s time to jump back on the Normandy and get to obliterating the Reapers from the face of the galaxy. You can wear this while doing so to show which visor-wearing Palaven native overloaded the shields of your heart. It’ll make your waist look very … supportive, to boot!

What would a turian/human baby look like, I wonder? Anyone need to go, uh, blow off some steam?

Previously: Leon Scott Kennedy.

Jennifer Culp is vaguely indignant over being locked out of the men’s bathroom on the Normandy these days.



99 Comments / Post A Comment

Scandyhoovian

Oh god, seeing a voice actor's face often RUINS EVERYTHING. Best example I can think of: Carth Onasi. Oh god, why do I know your voice comes out of that face, WHY.

antarcticastartshere

@Scandyhoovian ahhh you beat me to it! Raphael Sbarge (Carth) also does Kaidan Alenko's (hi Kaidan! I killed Ashley for you! FOR YOU) voice and it's just........

bureaukat

@Scandyhoovian And then, once in a rare while, the face makes it even better. Gideon Emory. Voice of Fenris from DA2 (and he pretty much shows up at least once in every game. It's seriously weird.). IMDB that shit.

Scandyhoovian

@Scandyhoovian Oh, trust me, I am well aware of Gideon Emery, hahaha. Like I could even consider romancing any other voice in DA2 when he popped up.

bureaukat

@Scandyhoovian He voiced one of the first real characters you assassinate in Skyrim. I was like, "Maybe the Dark Bortherhood isn't so great after all?"

Megasus

@bureaukat I believe I tweeted "I'm sorry!" at him after that quest.

SarahP

GARRUS! <3

lavender gooms

I think there's something wrong with me... I don't love Garrus? I mean, I like him, and he's one of Alix and Ivy Shepard's best buddies but... not in love.

Very general ME3 romance option spoilers below...

I really, really wanted to date Tali throughout all three games, but apparently she doesn't like the ladies. And, contrary to all my expectations, I really ended up liking James in ME3 but he... also did not want to date me, apparently.

TheUnchosenOne

@lavender gooms General ME3 romance spoilers continue!

I was actually really glad that Shepard finally had someone to flirt with who never pulled the "So, what is this, exactly?" conversation! Shepard likes to flirt and it made me very sad that she had to let Garrus and Thane down gently.

Because Shepard prefers to date the ladies, but she definitely would not have said no to Garrus had he expressed any interest in the first game. That voice! It all worked out, though, he and Tali end up together and they are totes adorable.

lavender gooms

@TheUnchosenOne

I know! I spent like half of ME1 trying to extricate myself from conversations with Kaidan that got way too serious too quickly. I just wanted to pick up some more paragon points, buddy, I'm not looking for eternal love.

MORE ROMANCE SPOILERS

I am glad that Tali and Garrus hooked up (I guess? I mean, Garrus's mandibles can't be great for the pressure suit) and will have an adorable dextro romance. I guess I can console myself that I will not be Hauled Before A Senate Subcommittee for dating my direct subordinates.

Crashing an asteroid in to a Mass Relay on the other hand...

lavender gooms

@lavender gooms GAH! Into, not in to.

aliceandstuff

@lavender gooms That Garrus and Tali hooked up at the end was one of my favorite parts of ME3, the scene where you find them is the cutest thing ever.

TheBourneApproximation

@lavender gooms Some spoilers below...

ME3 has been making it a lot easier to avoid unwanted hookups, at least. The "lock-in" romance options are all pretty obvious, like "[Get into shower with your ensign.]" ME1 made it hard to not romance anyone without being a jerk. And even then... My renegade hard-ass Shepard was telling Kaidan to not fraternize with Liara and chose the dialogue option "Hands off, Kaidan." Which apparently became "Watch it, Kaidan, I've called dibs!" Aaand then I accidentally slept with the Asari consort too.... Oh BioWare!

And let's not forget Jacob in ME2.

han
han

@TheBourneApproximation ME3 is still a little awkward, though... I let stupid Freddie Prinze Jr call me Lola ONCE and now every time I talk to him it's all weird innuendo. Jacob in ME2 was so bad, like it should have been in a training video about workplace sexual harassment. Hilariously in ME3 Jacob cheats on you and has a baby in the like... 3 month interval between games?

rabbittime

@TheBourneApproximation You can totally break up with Jacob after you've hooked up. And then he is really pissy about it. Whenever you try to chat with him he just says something to the effect of "lets keep it professional, Commander." Fiiiine then.

TheBourneApproximation

@han The game has gotten a little more relaxing once I locked-in the Garrus romance. No more worrying if choosing a paragon option will suddenly become naked makeout sessions. Dinner with Kaidan was almost hilariously non-romantic. "You're my friend, Shepard. It's really good to be FRIENDS."

Re Jacob: So much for the priiiize...

han
han

@TheBourneApproximation Hahaha yeah. In that whole thing I originally went to see Kaidan first and he was like "I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU CHEATED, SHEPARD..." and I was like urgh fuck you and reloaded to talk to Garrus instead. Talking to Kaidan after that was hilarious, it was like he was trying really hard to act unaffected about my dinosaur romance.

DoctorDisaster

@lavender gooms Ugh, he's like that even if you tell him it is NOT okay to come up with cute little nicknames for a woman who outranks him to a staggering degree on every conceivable axis of command. HER name was Lola, asshole; she was a DANCER.

youresmalltime

This series makes my life.com.plete.

...Not this one as much as the last one but COME ON MAN. <3333

Oh, squiggles

@youresmalltime

I am on the internet too much. I tried to read "my life.com.plete" as a web address...

bureaukat

Hi, my name's bureaukat. Long-time reader, first-time commenter. In fact, I created a log-in just to say the following:

Jennifer Culp, yes. Please be my Internet friend forever.

PS: Brandon Keener is totally in an AT&T commercial right now. Every time it airs, it's like seeing an old friend. Or rather, the physical embodiment of an old friend's voice who you totally have the hots for.

PPS: All my fantasy crushes are limited to Bioware's stable of romancable NPC's. What does this say? How does this make my poor, darling, long-suffering boyfriend feel? I don't know. Whatever. GARRUS.

rewil

@bureaukat He's also in a McDonald's radio ad, which is very distracting while driving.

Garrus, are those Filets O Fish dextro-safe? Be careful!

bureaukat

@rewil It is not dextro-safe! Excellent point. In response, I've written an obnoxious song to the tune of "God Bless America."

Garrus Vakarian,
Sniper whom I love!
Please unhand that fish sandwich,
And locate some dextro grub.
Anaphylactic shock's not something
To mess with, my friend.
Garrus Vakarian, leave the sandwich alone.
(Deep breath)
GARRUS VAKARIAN, LEAVE THE SANDWICH ALONE.

SarcasticFringehead

@bureaukat You are going to GET ME FIRED, for serious. I cannot stop laughing.

Katrina Hall@twitter

I've always thought (while watching my fiance play ME and ME2 as his "Renegade Lady"; I may actually start playing on my own soon now that I don't freeze while fighting enemies in Fable III) that the options for ladies seeking men in the ME universe were pretty shitty. Like I want some ansari(sp?)-equivalent man-candy.

Also, I WANT TO MEET NATHAN FILLION SO BAD. His twitter makes me think he would be AWESOME to hang out with.

Donovan Gentry@twitter

@Katrina Hall@twitter I think that's what Thane was supposed to be. Sexy, mysterious lizard man candy.

TheBourneApproximation

@Katrina Hall@twitter Funny, at least in ME2, I've always found the female options to all be kind of weird. Miranda's sort of a jerk... Romancing Jack sort of feels like ruining the character... And Tali's awesome, but man, it's like sleeping with your student or something.

Though I guess the men have issues too, what with Thane having a kid and a terminal illness, and Jacob...being boring. Which leaves Garrus! Yay Garrus!

Jennifer Culp

Oh yeah! Like last time, feel free to make your case for future video game crushes to-be-featured. I haven't decided on April's Hot Dude/ette yet.

rabbittime

@Jennifer Culp Dude. Can I cast my vote for Solid Snake? Cmon...who doesn't want a little of this?

lavender gooms

@Jennifer Culp Tali'zorah and or James Vega!

And 13 year old me votes for Kain Highwind from Final Fantasy IV.

area@twitter

@Jennifer Culp Younger me (and older me, too) would like to vote Auron from FFX. ooh Mr. Badass ooh
Although you could do pretty much anyone from Deus Ex or Assassin's Creed and I would not utter a peep of complaint. Nope!

rabbittime

@area@twitter YES. Even if Ezio is a bit of a player...I'd still let him climb in my window. Wow. I <3 me some game characters to a bit of a creepy degree.

I can't get behind Deus Ex guy's retractable sunglasses implants though. That's ridiculous.

celacia

@Jennifer Culp Can we talk about Gorrim from DA:O? My dwarflette wanted to stab his wife in the face and then him somewhere less killy. She didn't care if you couldn't fight anymore, you asshat, you promised to wait for her! And then she had to bone Alistair instead! What the hell, dude? (Ok, this might be better suited for a segment on video game dudes who broke our hearts than in the hot crushes segment. I seem to have some unresolved feelings about this.)

Megasus

@celacia Wait, who?

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

@Jennifer Culp Edgar! Edgar from FFVI! That's my only suggestion as I'm not up on the latest games (last game I bought new was Okami, and it's a terrific game but not very crushalicious.)

(You are right about voice acting-I have to watch Advent Children in Japanese since the English voice actor for Cloud is Not Doing It For Me At All.)

celacia

@Megan Patterson@facebook The introductory companion you get as a dwarf noble.

Megasus

@celacia Ooooh right! Yeah, DA3 totally needs to get on the non-party member romances, because that would be rad. I remember hearing a rumour at one point that 2 was going to have them, but then, nope.

bureaukat

@Jennifer Culp If he were not woefully underage, I would vote Jimmy Hopkins. I hope to be as smooth of an operator as that 15-year-old kid someday. As it stands, all my other recs are the usual Bioware suspects. I defer to those with more versatile tastes.

punzy

@Megan Patterson@facebook If you don't romance/sex up either Isabela or Fenris they have a dialogue in the third act about how awesome their sexing of each other is.

Megasus

@punzy I know! I meant your character and non-party members though, not your party members sexing each other without you.

punzy

@Jennifer Culp Oooohhh, I am dumb :) But if they don't follow you around for years at a time, how can you get to know them?

celacia

@Megan Patterson@facebook Hm. I haven't played DA2 yet, although it is sitting on my desk. There are at least 2 non-companion romances in SWTOR though that I know of, one for male Imperial Agents and one for female Smugglers. (Can I recommend this game enough? No I cannot.)

Megasus

@punzy You drop by and are like "Hey baby. Brought you a dragon scale." Or something.

bureaukat

@celacia But if you're a female smuggler, how can you pass up Corso Riggs? Initially, I thought he was going to be an obnoxious dumbass, but it turns out he's an adorable dumbass. Daw. Corso. "Now you're dumb, ugly, AND dead!" You tell 'em, sweet pea.

celacia

@bureaukat I couldn't, but it was nice to have the option of someone else. He's like a big golden lab puppy. Except for the stupid hair. (WTB companion customizations that are the same faces that you identify the character with and just change the damned hair.) Also, he is so cute when you flirt with the other guy, 'Did I say we could trust him?'

(I have to say though that of all the romances that I have seen Vector is my favorite by a huge margin. Enough so that I am replaying my agent on another server, even though the storyline is a total mindfuck (and kind of awesome at the same time).)

bureaukat

@celacia I agree. Totally. Vector for ever. The voice! It's such a bummer that it takes so long to get him -- a stretch of time that was made to seem even longer because Kaliyo hated me. Nothing I did made her happy. Sorry I'm not into killing all the little baby civilians, Kaliyo. You can keep all those -1's of vague disappointment to yourself, thanks.

celacia

@bureaukat The eyes! He is such a refreshing person to get as a companion (romance aside) because by the time I got him at least, Kaliyo (who liked my agent just fine, because although she trends fairly strongly light side doesn't do it because she is a _nice_ person) was starting to seem reasonable, and we all know that she is a sociopath. No one else even _wants_ the head, Kaliyo. And then he is just so nice, and really only minimally creepy. (And I am someone who has serious bug issues.) I may have agonized for weeks over what dialogue choices to take for the conversation where he _finally_ goes to have 'private time' with her. (Full disclosure - I still haven't finalized the conversation.) At least my husband thinks that my Vector obsession is cute and not creepy.

rabbittime

Mordin's sex advice is amazing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ih0AhAG24Uo&feature=related

I'm such a Garrus fan...but I might dabble in a little Mordin if it were available. :-D

aliceandstuff

@rabbittime Mordin is the sex. Especially with the events of ME3.

TheBourneApproximation

@aliceandstuff SPOILERS. God damn it I cried. :( :(

punzy

@rabbittime And he sings! And is hilarious! WHY MORDIN WHY? I may be overly emotionally invested in this.

han
han

@TheBourneApproximation I cried too. :( Did you see the video of what happens if you go renegade in that mission? MONSTROUS. HOW COULD ANYONE BRING THEMSELVES TO DO THAT.

conley

@han Oh my god, I totally watched that... HOW COULD ANYONE DO THAT? I almost cried just watching it on youtube!

Danzig!

@rabbittime Fairly sure that's an in-joke regarding a very infamous Bioware forum post from this crazy dude trying to parse out, using chemistry, exactly what Tali's sweat tasted like.

The Bioboards are a place of wonder

han
han

@Danzig! hahaha I remember that

TheBourneApproximation

HOLY SHIT YES. My love-sick Shepard just made it to (small spoilers) the scene on the Presidium *just hours ago.* So this is a subject very much on my mind. Oh Garrus...*melts.*

Thank you also for providing a useful pie chart for when my husband looks at me funny. Still the only loyalty mission I went renegade for in ME2 (Sidonis damn well had to die).

Also, gotta love a man who shows up for a hot date wearing a HUD battle visor.

Ojo
Ojo

@TheBourneApproximation I loved that scene! It just seemed to fit the dynamic between Shep and Garrus so, so well. They're so perfect together in ME3 that I don't get why anyone would romance any other male character.

Though if it wasn't for G, I would be all about Traynor.

TheBourneApproximation

@Ojo Traynor is great! Felt bad having my Shep (cluelessly) turn her down. At least they both got a good game of chess out of it.

han
han

YES.... YES. This is my favorite article. This one. I think it's hilarious that this dinosaur/cricket man has inspired so much affection, I feel like Bioware shoved the stereotypical sensitive soul guy and abs mcgee but everyone fell for the raptor.

Still haven't finished ME3 :(. I'm so slow and try to do literally everything so I'm about 50 hours in and only halfway done ahhh!

rabbittime

@han I do that toooo! (SORT OF SPOILER!) My boyfriend keeps being like "where are you at nooooow?" and I'm always "just about to do Tuchanka" because I have to visit ALL the planets first. Because some mission options disappear after that!

Side note: did any one else get the stupid bug where you can't finish the Eclipse mercenary recruiting quest? Because I did and I am really annoyed about it.

rewil

@han He's also the only dude who Bioware lets you have by your side all three games, so it only makes sense, really. That's a lot of built-in loyalty.

That said, I am a greedy Shepard, because I have playthoughs for Garrus, Thane and Kaidan, and <3 each of them.

TheBourneApproximation

@rewil Agreed. Garrus has trust, loyalty, and camaraderie. (Something something reach and flexibility.) Kaidan gets all pissy on you in ME2, and Thane...well, Thane ain't going nowhere after a while. Eventually I plan on doing a ME2/ME3 run-through with my ME1 renegade, with the intention of romancing both Thane and Kaidan but man...tempting to just romance Garrus again.

rabbittime

@TheBourneApproximation The only problem with Garrus is that he's so...stable! If I'm going for an actual relationship, please give me that one. But in my entertainment? Might just be too healthy to be interesting.

rewil

@TheBourneApproximation At least there's always YouTube to see what might have been!

Greyjane

@rabbittime It may not be a bug, just a poorly explained quest. See, the crazy asari leader of Eclipse mentions she has a lieutenant which apparently means you're supposed to find him instead (if you want to be paragon). If you go to the Holding Area he's there and you convince him to take over Eclipse instead. It had me stuck for ages because they don't actually tell you anything.

rabbittime

@Greyjane Naw, its a bug. The internet tells me so! (SPOILERS, obviously:) After you talk to the guy, you're supposed to get a com message from Bailey just as you get to the elevator, and that's what triggers completing the quest. If you save right after talking to dude in the holding area, but before you get to the elevator, when you start playing again you never get that com message from Bailey. Aria and Bailey both act like you still need to do the quest when you talk to them, but you're not able to talk to the lieutenant anymore. Very annoying. I blame my boyfriend for wanting to try the multiplayer at just that moment. :-)

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

No one told me Greg Gillis had a new album coming out!

thetaobera

Zomg, was just thinking about this today. I too created an account just to post this. My total crush was Jack. Tried like hell in ME2 to make it happen but, no go. Total sad face. Just found her again in ME3 but I'm not holding my breath. Not sure if she goes for Paragons or girls sooo waaaa.

I do flirt with Garrus tho. Took him on many a mission, but then kinda grew to love Grunt. So many to choose from.

SarahP

@thetaobera Jack's all about the dudes, unfortunately for your Shepard.

Genine Silverio@facebook

@thetaobera I love Jack, too! You can only have a romance with Jack with male shep unfortunately! But Jack is so hot. She has the best, most interesting colorful back story but I was disappointed regarding her appearance in ME3.

MrsLlama

OH GARRUS!

It is impossible for me not to romance Garrus. I always go in with other plans but damn him...

I also feel this way about Fenris in Dragonage 2. THAT VOICE and that brooding...(also- so shocked to find out it's NOT Peter Serafinowicz voicing) Oh BioWare, what are you doing to me?

TheBourneApproximation

@MrsLlama Your avatar perfectly expresses my feelings about this article and/or Garrus.

MrsLlama

@TheBourneApproximation indeed!

Genine Silverio@facebook

You are speaking my language. I agree with the voice-acting part. i cannot resist Garrus's honest-to-goodness casual drawl! Wish I could meet a man whose voice was like that. Oh, wells.

Dove

So with you on this one. It is all about the voice (and the scars). I played ME3 through the first time with my character who romanced Kaiden, but in the end I just wanted to rush through and play my Garrus romance character. Love him!

Princess Slaya

WHY IS THAT T SHIRT OUT OF STOCK??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Garrus had me at "I know Saren's up to something!" And I now compare all my in-game romances to him. No one ever lives up to my favorite dinosaur-cat.

P.S. @MrsLlama - Fenris did it for me too. All in the voice.

conley

GARRUS! One of my favorite characters ever, and certainly favorite Mass Effect character! I didn't even plan on romancing him at first, but when I realized I couldn't romance Tali as a female Shepard I went for it... and now I can't imagine wooing anyone else on any of my playthroughs.

***VAGUE ME3 SPOILERS***
I cried SO. HARD. when having that last conversation with Garrus on London. Like, you don't even know. Full on, undignified, loud snotty crying. And then they put you straight on that turret afterwards? WTF GUYS, give me a moment to compose myself, at least!

Ojo
Ojo

@conley I wasn't going to admit to it unless someone else did, but... yeah, there were tears. It was the comment about babies that pushed me too far.

Worst (best?) thing is my boyfriend and I were playing through together, so he was just sat beside me waiting to see when I'd start sniffling.

conley

@Ojo Oh man, my poor boyfriend came home from work that evening to find me a ruined mess, haha. He's totally pro-Garrus though. I started to make an alternate Shep to woo Tali, and he gave me so much trouble about betraying Garrus that I abandoned it. And when trying to explain to him why some girls might romance Kaidan instead: "Well, he doesn't trust you and is kind of a dick, but I mean, to most girls which one would be more ATTRACTIVE?" his response was "Uh, GARRUS. DUH."

That is correct, boyfriend. That is correct.

FinalGirl

See also: Richard Harrow, "Boardwalk Empire".

Christina Brophy@facebook

@FinalGirl yeesssssssss I'm so glad I'm not the only one

Megasus

@Christina Brophy@facebook You are definitely, definitely not

FinalGirl

@Christina Brophy@facebook I don't usually go for the whole OMG got to take care of him thing, plus there's the whole demi-sociopath issue, but... daaaaaaamn.

Deb of last year@twitter

Ohmigod. Not a video game character but this totally reminded me of my devastating crush on Optimus Prime from the Transformers cartoon in the early '80s. I woulda been only 6 or 7 but the episode where his girlfriend robot was being melted down or something? And he saves her? Destroyed me. I was SO JEALOUS.

Justin Mitchell@facebook

Garrus. Doesn't get much better for a wingman... or am I HIS wingman?! WHO CARES IT'S GARRUS M.F. VAKARIAN!

Danzig!

Man I get enough BSN stuff from my friends. Give it a reeeeest
/gripe

SPOILIN'

Anyway in the ORIGINAL ending to ME3, the one they scrapped prior to the current shitshow of an ending, Liara and Garrus apparently got blasted into their constituent particles by a reaper beam right at the very end. Guess it didn't test well!

I mean it doesn't really matter cuz all the turians and quarians are stuck where they are at the current ending and are thus doomed to die of starvation what with their space biologies and inability to eat human-type food without going into shock. So... Garrus dies! I L U Bioware

Also Liara is gonna live live a thousand years longer than all the other characters which is fun to think about. I guess Wrex might be still alive and Krogan also have extended lifespans. But Wrex isn't a blue playersexual space elf woman!

(they're going to "clarify" the ending sometime next month, because literally no one liked the one we got. Get the popcorn!)

Ojo
Ojo

@Danzig! It's been established that destroying mass effect relays also causes the destruction of nearby planets (That's what happened to the Batarian planet), so in the current awful ending basically everyone should be dead.

Bioware, you dicks.

ViolentVixen

Love this.

On another note, that Secret Diary is from that weird Slumber Party game from the early 90s, isn't it? That game was weird, and I'm kind of disturbed to see it enter my life again.

Sierrararar

I'm trying really hard not to look at anyone else's comments right now, because I've played through with Kaidan in ME3 but now I'm going back for good-ol Garrus and don't want any spoilers, NONE! But oh my god, Hairpin, I love you so much right now. It's like my computer-based worlds have suddenly collided.

Danzig!

I didn't particularly like Garrius (too much of a Shep fanboy in one, too much puffed-up Dirty Harry in ME2/3) but Bioware's always done well with types. I liked Jack from ME2 even though by all accounts she was a not terribly good character ("It's like one minute I'm a dangerous bitch and the next I'm a scared little girl" ugh bad writing UGH BAD CHARACTERIZATION).

Then she shows up in ME3 and has the haircut and the "pack mother" thing going and it legitimately warmed my heart, displacing all my gripes about the character, cuz... I don't know, I grew up with all sorts of sad and angry and isolated kids in the Midwest and when I graduated and moved out of town I kind of resigned myself to the fact that those guys were probably going to continue living the terrible lives at the margins they always had.

Then once or twice over the years I would come home and see one, and they'd be clean and doing work, not just work but work that they loved, and they'd be doing well, and being happy, and it is the greatest joy to feel, to see someone who was lost come back from the precipice in a big way.

And those fuckers at Bioware got that reaction out of me with the Jack reveal! At least to an extent, I wasn't crying or anything but inside I was all "she found her calling and has moved past her shit" and I was very happy for a poorly written side-character in a video game.

Really if there's one complaint I have against ME3 it's that it is not a sequel to ME2. All the ME2 characters, most of whom I really enjoyed, were jettisoned in favor of a very small group of ME1 holdovers (even smaller if Garrus / Tali are dead) plus an acceptably easygoing meathead marine (that's Freddie Prinze Jr! He did a really good job!) and a fembot that Joker can use as a fleshlight.

Cuz of that and cuz of the ending I don't think I'll ever replay ME3. I'm playing ME2 again and loving it but I just wish it could've gotten the sequel it deserved.

bjowill

It is so nice to see other women who are out there playing games and thinking some of the same things about them that I am. We seem to be growing in number and it will be great when I see the day my husband and I walk into a game store together and the guys behind the counter quit talking mainly to him and assuming that he is the reason we are in the store.

Megasus

@bjowill Yeah, my sister bought the new Twisted Metal last month, and they asked her if she was buying it for her boyfriend! This actually has never happened to me though.

Marilyn@twitter

I love you for this! I wrote my own spoiler-filled Garrus-love post but I'm glad I'm not the only madly obsessed Garrus fangirl. I must have that shirt! And Garrus! But sadly the shirt is more attainable.

nerdywhales

I freakin love you for writing this! Ive been absolutely obsessed with ME2 for the past 3 months ever since I rented it. The story line is amazing! Not feeling it with anyone in this game though. I mean, Garrus is cool, for a guy-best friend type. Not very screwable though. Thane creeps me out with his memory relapses and Jacobs an ass (not to mention the name Jacob is unappealing in itself). The girls in this game are soooooo much cooler! I mean Jack is a badass, Miranda's the sexy bitch with a very nice butt (that suit does wonders), and Tali's so sweet. By far my favorite character has to be Kasumi. Too bad she's in love though. *sigh* I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A SECRET AGENT SPY NINJA THEIF THAT CAN TURN INVISIBLE. She is all that I ever wanted to be AND looks sexy in a cloak. Maybe I like her this much because she sorta reminds me of Padme from Star Wars (ahhhhhhhh <3). I'm almost ready to start playing ME3 and seriously, they better make better romance options. Garrus would be perfect if he was a tad more naughty.
Anybody else love Grunt as much as I did? It's so thrilling to watch him grow and understand the world with Sheps help.

Garrus Vakarian

Why thank you! and also humans and turians cannot make babies turian skin is made out of dextro-amino acids so yeah

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