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Thursday, March 22, 2012

312

Ask a Clean Person: You Are Still Making Your Beds!

Welcome back to March Madness, Clean Person-style, a month-long project we're calling Let's All Make ... Our Beds. It's just what it sounds like: we're going to make our beds for the entire month of March. To keep everyone excited (and I mean, who wouldn't be excited about this?), I'm tweeting regularly about all things bed-related — follow me @joliekerr and use the hashtag #LAMOB to join in — several of this month's AaCP columns will be devoted to the topic of beds, bedmaking, and bedcleaning (got questions? Ask away), and my bedspiration-themed pinboard will continue to grow. With that, here's part three.

Men are disgusting. I'd get rid of mine, but I happen to love him. He doesn't own a jizzcliner, but we do have a problem with my gorgeous bedding and skid marks.

Before you vomit in your mouth, please let me preface that the dude and I have talked about it and come up with a solution for preventing marks from occurring on my white 600 thread count sheets. He was extremely embarrassed about it and has taken precautions (wet wipes in the bathroom, pre-sex) so it doesn't occur. Most days.

While the solution works, occasionally we crazy kids give in to our baser urges, and don't stop for the tingle-killer known as, 'Hold on, baby, I need to wipe my ass.' When we do the deed without the pre-wipe session, he usually leaves skids. Or he farts really hard in his sleep and somehow, skids occur in the middle of the night. I'm not really sure what's happening while I sleep, but the morning after lurid, non-wiped sex, I usually wake him by lovingly pointing at the area on the sheets with a look of horror on my face.

So my question is, aside from having sex with boxers on, what products could we use to get the skids out of my sheets after the dirty deed? I'd rather not bleach them since I think it will take the sateen finish away. Should I be using something special to get rid of the germs, or does OxiClean wash away my sins along with the skids?

Before I get into the treatment of fecal stains — which are actually blessedly, fantastically, miraculously easy to manage — I'm going to swipe Lola's nurse cap for a moment to suggest to you that you have your fella check in with his doctor about what's going on 'round back. Your note leads me to believe that he may have issues with fecal incontinence that need to be addressed. Fecal incontinence can be caused by a whole host of things, such as muscle damage to the sphincter or (sort of oddly) constipation, some of which are no big deal but some of which may be signs of serious health issues. Either way I think he — and you! — will rest easier if he sees a doctor to ensure that nothing is wrong or get treatment if something is amiss. Treatments, by the way, can range from surgery to medicine to ... wait for it ... anal kegels. I KNOW! How fun is that?! Kegels: not just for the ladies any more!

If you want to learn a bit more about fecal incontinence — and who among us wouldn't? — check out the Mayo Clinic's website, as well as that of the Cleveland Clinic, which even created a fancy scale called the Cleveland Clinic Incontinence Score to measure the severity of a patient's problem. (Related: Cleveland, um, what's going on with you?) And finally, Wikipedia has a pretty good article on the subject. Important reminder: internet research doesn't take the place of actually going to the doctor.

With that out of the way, let's talk clean up. You're spot-on to think that Oxi is a good solution here; I don't love bleach for bed linens because it doesn't play nicely with protein stains, and our bedclothes are generally full up on protein stains (sweat, sexual fluids, the like). Even though these stains will probably come out by just laundering them as usual with detergent and a good sprinkling of Oxi, it's probably not a bad idea to spot treat them prior to laundering. I've been having great luck with the OxiClean Max Force Gel Stick. For, ummm, you know.

Another product that's worth mentioning here is Borax, for a couple of reasons. Borax is amazing stuff in terms of giving stains a run for their money, but it's also gentle enough that it's commonly recommended for baby laundering. Wait no, not baby laundering — don't launder your babies! I mean, you know … baby clothes laundering. And also you know who poops a lot, like, all over the place? Babies. So Borax will treat you, and your precious sheets, right given what you're dealing with.

And finally I just want to say that how lovely I think you are. As old timers know, I try not to get into the business of offering personal opinions or thoughts in response to cleaning questions, but wow, I was so touched by the gentleness and humor you've displayed with this situation. You sound like a really great lady.

I have a eyemask, you know, for sleeping. It's from [ubiquitous New York City pharmacy] Duane Reade, I'm fairly certain the tag said it was silk, but, you know, Duane Reade. After wearing it for nights and nights and nights of eye cream and Tazorac and what-have-you, it occurred to me that it would be nice to clean the thing I put on my face every night. Is this just a matter of machine washing (but maybe silk? really questionable though)? Or is there some super magic Clean Person way I can not be gross about my eye mask?

Your best bet is to handwash it, which for an item like an eyemask is seriously a 10-minute proposition. You can probably toss it in the laundry with impunity, too, given that it's a hale and hearty soul from the Duane Reade (if you use a lingerie or hosiery bag, go ahead and throw it in that just for an extra measure of protection). Just take it out before the rest of the load goes in the dryer and let it air-dry.

If you go for the handwashing option what you'll want to do is to fill up your sink — the bathroom sink will be fine since it's such a small item, but you can also use the kitchen sink or a clean bowl even — with lukewarm water and a small (like a half a teaspoon small) amount of detergent. Again, because it's a Duane Reade item I don't think you need to bust out any kind of fancy delicates washing detergent, though of course you can! Swish the detergent around in the water to make some suds, put the mask in, give it a few swirls around and then let it soak for five to ten minutes. Then give it a little chh-chh rubbing action to release any grime lurking within and drain the sink. Refill with clean water, swirl the mask again a few times to rinse before gently squeezing out as much excess water as you can. Don't wring it, just sort of push down on it while it lies flat in the drained sink. Then place it on a clean towel, fold the towel over it and press press press to remove even more water. Then lie it flat to let it air dry. You'll probably want to do this once a month/once every other month.

I am embarrassed to even have to ask this, but could you explain what these mythical "hospital corners" are, how to make them, and why one would do so? I've been blessed to have not spent any time in hospitals and this is always confusing me.

Sure thing, and no need to be embarrassed! "Hospital corners" is the term used to describe a sheet and/or blanket that's been tucked tightly such that bottom edge is secured under the mattress and each side is folded into a triangle at the corners.

Making a hospital corner involves four steps.* Ready?

(1) Lay a flat sheet on top of the bottom sheet, with the top or patterned side facing down (this is so that when you fold the edge of the top sheet over your blanket, the decorative or patterned side is facing up).
(2) Tightly tuck the bottom edge of the flat sheet under the mattress.
(3) Move around to the side edge of the bed, and flip the part of the sheet that is hanging up over the top of the bed. Tuck the overhang tightly under the mattress. Pull the part of the sheet you've put on top of the bed down, and tuck that tightly.
(4) Repeat step 3 on the other side of the bed.

*These instructions presume that you're using a fitted bottom sheet and a flat top sheet with which you'll make the hospital corners.

Perhaps you're still not envisioning this process clearly. Or perhaps you just have a hankering to watch a fine looking military man make a bed. Yes, perhaps! Well, this is me, being here for you:

If you need me I'll be watching that on loop. Humina humina gentlemen, you can LA my MOB any time!

I know I can continue on just fine without ever knowing the answer to this but... I can never decide how to arrange the pillow case openings when I'm making my bed. I have a superabundance of pillows, for one thing, and I like to be uniform. I know it doesn't matter, but should they all be lying (a) facing to either side (all openings one direction, either right or left); (b) turned inward (all openings facing the center); (c) turned outward (all openings facing away)?

As you know, I'm not super big on giving you rules about your beds other than, like, MAKE THEM, so before I get into this thing I want to remind you to do what suits you! Seriously, your bed, your boom-boom time, your choices.

With that said, generally when negotiating pillow placement you want to arrange things so that the openings of the cases are facing the outer edges of the bed. So option C.

One last little tip on pillowcases: when you're making your bed, grab the pillows by the open edge of the case, holding each side together, and give it a little THWAP. You know, a thwap ... sort of snap the pillow out? That will help to fluff it up and straighten the case, which will make for a tidier looking bedscape.

Previously: Get Rid of Your Coworkers, Seriously, They Are Disgusting.

Jolie Kerr is not paid to endorse any of the products mentioned in this column, but she sure would be very happy to accept any free samples the manufacturers care to send her way! Are you curious to know if she's answered a question you have? Do check out the archives, listed by topic. More importantly: is anything you own dirty?

Photo by iamanewbee, via Shutterstock



312 Comments / Post A Comment

noodge

aw, I agree - first lady sounds like a Top Notch Lady. And yes, medical advice would be good for her gentleman's problem.

(I don't know HOW I would handle Mr. Teenie making those types of marks on my bed... I get the heebies just thinking about it)

Jane Err

@teenie Agreed, I never thought that talk of partner-fecal stains could be so heartwarming.

Kudos, LW1, and congrats to your man for having one Classy Lady. May you two be happily navigating bodily excretions forever!

timesnewroman

@teenie Yeah LW1 is a stronger woman than I! That said, I hope it had occurred to her prior to her letter's response that this is not normal!

saythatscool

@teenie I knew Jolie was an expert on being anal, but I guess she's also an anal expert?

Clinches it for me.

Das Rad

@saythatscool Also, clenches it for me.

teaandcakeordeath

@teenie
The question about fecal incontinence renewed my faith in love. It should be called 'Love In The Time Of Fecal Incontinence' and become a love story in its own right.

ReginaSavage

@saythatscool That's just about the funniest thing I've heard all day! Also, my dude has on occasion, farted a little too hard in bed... I use Shout! on the poopy spots and my sheets are nice and clean! Even the white bamboo ones!

Ellie

This is seriously so gross. I cannot BELIEVE she is so blase about it, I would be incredibly horrified. This is not normal, right? I didn't even know what "skid marks" were until a ridiculously old age so I have never considered it one of those "just part of life" things. I just don't understand it or how it happens! Ew!

treeskier170

@Ellie I'm right there with you. I'm a dude, and I certainly don't have this problem. Maybe some dudes just don't care of it after going to the bathroom? But why wait until later. And I've had white sheets btw.

ReginaSavage

@Ellie Shit happens.

Judith Slutler

@Ellie I think it happens to people who neglect to eat fiber? But honestly... I don't quite see how either.

redheaded&crazy

@all reminds me of my one experience with dingleberries and BJs ... it was truly haunting

what does one do in that situation?! I already know the dan savage answer is "tell the dude to go take a gd shower" but i shy away from awkward confrontations like that ... oh geez oh geez oh geez

She was a retail whore

@treeskier170 I had never heard of such a thing. Skid marks on sheets?????? I've thankfully never even dated a guy who had a tendency to leave those on his skivvies, which would make much more sense. LW1 is AMAZING, because I'm not sure I'd have the wherewithal to handle this issue as classily as she did. And props to Jolie for suggesting medical intervention. I don't know if I could have considered this letter objectively enough to realize that there probably is some underlying medical issue here that needs to be addressed.

ReginaSavage

@redheaded&crazy I'd just hand him some TP and say "next time, wipe twice."

Lily Rowan

Well, "sharting" is enough of a Thing that it was in a movie preview ad, so...

teaandcakeordeath

@redheaded&crazy
I ... dont ... understand. What's a dingleberry? Oh god please dont say it's poop? Please? Please? You meant to type blueberry right?
(doesnt make sense but less scarring)

redheaded&crazy

@teaandcakeordeath I don't have the answer you're looking for.

teaandcakeordeath

@redheaded&crazy
:-(
I'm so sorry.

Dunemi

@Ellie I decided years ago that toilet paper should only be used for pee. Every time I poop (ugh, I actually HATE even typing that!) I jump in the shower for a quick wash. My reasons are twofold: 1)wiping can lead to irritation, and 2) wiping doesn't really work that well and can leaves trace fecal matter that can lead to UTI's and so on. Now, some people would point out that you can't jump in the shower at work, to which I would reply, "Why are you pooping at work?". ;-)

ReginaSavage

@Dunemi I poop on average 3 or 4 times a day. Not pooping at work is just not an option. If have to go, I GO!

AniaGosia

@ReginaSavage Wow! 3 or 4 times a day? Impressive. I only go about 3-4 times a week! And I eat a lot of fiber. Planning to eat more fiber from now on.

AniaGosia

@redheaded&crazy Oh, that is the worst! I don't think I could continue a bj in that situation. Awkward confrontation or not. Maybe just get violently ill (as you naturally might in that scenario), leave quickly and never go back? Unless you're classy and in love like LW#1!

timesnewroman

@Dunemi "Why are you pooping at work?"

Because you need to?!

Ellie

@ReginaSavage Me too, I have a pretty fast metabolism. I feel like this is a little less common though! Ugh, I hate talking about this subject, but it's so compelling.

@Dunemi I totally get that but I feel like we'd all be way sicker all the time if toilet paper wasn't effective?

ReginaSavage

@AniaGosia Oh yes, my digestive tract is a very impressive thing. My doctor always makes a point of asking about my poo during my physical. According to him I have pretty optimal bowel function. Wooot! (I've already had 2 so far today.)

acookieaday

@Ellie I've never had any experience with this either. I'd also want something to be done about it. That is not normal. At the very least, can't he wear boxers to sleep?

noodge

@acookieaday that's what I was thinking! like, at some point, maybe it's time to get over your need to sleep in the nip if this happens?

lisma

@teaandcakeordeath oh has no one answered this yet!?
here I go: a dingleberry is when some poop gets stuck on some butt hairs or you just forget to wipe a clump of poop and it's just there, chilling out and drying up. More common in mammals with lots of fur around their buttholes, but sometimes in people.
A dog with dingleberry is always funny/gross.

teaandcakeordeath

@ginalouise
This has been very educational. Thank you.

I dont know why I'm being so formal. I'm at my desk and it's some sort of reflex that's taken over to stop me from squealing.

Arrrggghhh!

fabel

@Dunemi My man friend showers after every time, and all I can say is that it'd be horribly inconvenient if I had that kind of dedication. Maybe get a bidet?

lisma

@teaandcakeordeath You are most welcome.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@teenie I got the impression this was mostly happening during sexytimes, meaning he's on the bottom and (obviously) naked most of the time, which would explain why (generally it's best to not wear underwear during intercourse) and how (basically naked butt rubbing/bouncing allllll over the bed) it happens.

pank

@Jane Err This is how to make gross fecal issues heartwarming, indeed. And it is a real issue, as I can attest to. My duderino came up with his own remedy - to take off them underwears and shove them promptly and directly 'neath his 'tocks. If his booty be in the air, then this lady needn't take a care.
Also, I ask him if he needs a new washcloth when he's in the shower. Rubbing soap on your booty just makes booty flavored soap, as far as I'm concerned. Or more specifically, anus flavored soap.
I just grossed myself out.

noodge

@pank

...anus flavored soap just grossed EVERYONE out, thank you.

PistolPackinMama

@teenie LW#1, you are so sweet. <3

hijabeng

@Dunemi Do no desis or Muslims read thehairpin? We're anal, no pun intended, about butt washing. At home, we keep a jug or some ish to water ourselves after we use the bathroom for pee or poo. Lota, bodna, water bottle, water can for plants, measuring cups, it's all fair game. When we're out of the home, many wet a glob of tissue and use that if we don't have a watering device conveniently at hand. And tbh, I *cannot understand* how people survive with tissue only.

timesnewroman

@hijabeng Meh. I see no point in showering or washing the area, it's only going to get shitty again within 24 hours. And it's not like my anus is ever used for anything else (well, v rarely).

But this is besides the point: toilet paper is perfectly sufficient to have someone not leave faecal matter all over a bed. The few comments I've seen that seem to imply that this is a male problem have confused me. If you, women, do not leave shitstains everywhere when having sex, then why do your men? Instead of all these elaborate schemes to stop the stains from going on the sheets, perhaps they could... wipe properly? Or an I missing something about the male anus?!

Ellie

@hijabeng I use the Cottonelle thing with aloe (in the green package) - they are so great, and also really useful for when you have your period and want to use tampons without a liner or anything. I'm a little compulsive about this kind of thing so I definitely agree that I don't get how people use TP only. I don't really understand how one would just use water, although I'm sure I would be totally on board if I had grown up with it as a thing. I find that wet toilet paper just shreds over everything it touches and gets disgusting though.

Lily Rowan

@timesnewroman My impression is that there are men who don't wipe properly due to some homophobic butt-aversion? (Not at all saying this is the case for LW#1's fella...)

hijabeng

@Ellie Oh, not just water. Use tissue to wipe up and pour water over or vice versa. The shredding wet tp is very annoying, I agree, so I just make sure it's damp and not super wet.

catsoncatsoncats

@timesnewroman That is what I was wondering! My theory: men have more ass hair, so it makes it harder to wipe properly?

timesnewroman

@andsoitgoes @Lily Rowan
This conversation is making me somewhat hysterical

KeLynn

@andsoitgoes I'm guessing this is it. Although....if that was a problem for me, I'd use a whole roll of TP every time making sure I was clean rather than get skid marks all over during sex, which is why I'm thinking it's probably more medical?

.
.

@hijabeng YES.
Watering can- $5
Not having bed sheets that look like a Jackson Pollock painting- priceless

ambrosia

@teenie Water makes far more sense - especially if you put it this way: If you got poop on your hand, would you think it's sufficient to just wipe it off with paper? I thought not. Baby wipes are not just for babies.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

@teenie Haha I love conversations like this. It reminds me of the one thread I came across where the people who stand up to wipe their bums discovered that there are people who sit down while wiping their bums (and vice versa.) It was epic. Nobody had really thought about it before?

angermonkey

@hijabeng I lived in Qatar for a while, and those amazing sprayers attached to the toilets? AMAZING. I don't know why those don't catch on in the US.

Cavendish

@Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy) That was on Metafilter, right? It was epic! It had never occurred to me before that people might stand while wiping. So weird.

timesnewroman

@ambrosia "If you got poop on your hand, would you think it's sufficient to just wipe it off with paper? I thought not."

But do you eat with your anus?

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

@Cavendish I'm thinking reddit for some reason? (During the one month that I was on there?)

Anyways, I am in the opposite camp, but the really freaky thing was when I realized that I had switched from sitting to standing without noticing at all.

redheaded&crazy

@Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy) guys we cannot have the sitting versus standing debate again. WE CANNOT. It happened somewhere on the hairpin too. I went looking for it but I don't even know why because why would I even remind myself!

As I recall it starts like this

me: people stand up to wipe?!
everybody else: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
me: ... everything :'(

eta: hahahah i didn't even quote myself/my position on this properly just forget about me forever

Lily Rowan

@angermonkey OK, so what do you do with the sprayer? Dry off with the TP? I felt like I needed a class, when I came across those things.

Myrtle

@Dunemi Um, you don't eat lunch during work hours? B/c when my digestive system kicks into gear at lunch, the last meal's ready to be ejected.

If you want to teach your colon constipation, not voiding your bowels when needed is a surefire way to do that. But you will be sorry.

Also, burrito bumping your new knit dress. There's nothing like the sight of someone's bulging intestinal tract bulging with up to 5 pounds of digested and leftover food, to make me nauseous. Dump that out, seriously; that is disgusting.

Myrtle

@Emmanuelle Cunt My ex had hemorrhoids and I assumed the skids were b/c of problems wiping. I don't know what he used to get the skids out, as I do not do men's laundry. But if we were still together I'd probly buy him a box of unscented Wet Ones or whatever, to keep in his bathroom. (Separate bathrooms=happiness.)

angermonkey

@Lily Rowan Yes, hose off, dry yourself daintily with paper, flush. Use caution, I know FOR A FACT that the one's at Carnegie Mellon's Doha campus have some power behind them. (heh... behind.)

It's okay, my roommate, an otherwise well-educated and culturally savvy person thought FOR SURE the shower thingy was for washing your feet before call to prayer. When I got done laughing at her I advised her never to say that in earshot of anyone ever again.

ambrosia

@timesnewroman Better safe than skid-marked.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@angermonkey Could I inquire as to the nature of your familiarity with CMU Doha?

angermonkey

@Veronica Mars is smarter than me Yes! I worked for a summer college preview program for high schoolers for a couple of summers. I was actually working with Georgetown at the time (across the parking lot in the LAS) but the other half of our program was in CMU and we were in their building a lot. Are you familiar with the area?

Prostitute Robot From The Future

@everyone Omg, I missed out on a poop thread?! That's it, I'm not ever having a life again! I <3 poop talk.

Also LW#1 seems really sweet, but I had to reread that letter several times, because I thought they were having anal sex, but then they didn't actually and then skidmarks happened? How?

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@angermonkey I used to work for the woman who organized all the test prep stuff for the college preview thing! And I'm actually applying to be one of the test prep teachers this summer (although Paris is actually my first choice).

chickaboom

@Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy) @redheaded&crazie WAIT WHAT. Sit/stand... a divide I never knew existed. Now I feel weird about my own sit/stand orientation.

milenakent

Remember soldiers, making a bed in an ideal way will save you and your buddy next to you when grenades are flying in your face.@n

SarahP

Bedscape! I love it.

QuiteAmiable

I want Lady Number One to write every letter.

Xanthophyllippa

@QuiteAimable Also all the letters to "Ask A Married Dude."

Clare

A nice thing about having plantar fasciitis is that I NEVER have to make hospital corners (sleeping with your toes pointed tightens the ligaments of your feet). I just drape the flat sheet neatly over my bed and I'm done.

LeafySeaDragon

@Clare me too, but it's because i have hot feet when i sleep.

SuperGogo

@Clare I've never understood how anyone feels comfortable with their feet pinned to the bed like that, even if they don't have foot problems. I totally do the George Costanza violent kicking thing whenever I have to use a tightly tucked in sheet in a hotel or something.

Inconceivable!

@Clare I'll do you one better--I don't even use the flat sheet. I always get tangled up in it if it's there.

meetapossum

@Inconceivable! Right? The flat sheet is the worst. It just gets bunched up all at the bottom or rolled up in knots toward the side. Who needs 'em?

OxfordComma

@SuperGogo : Thank you!!! Me too--I can't STAND having my feet all strangled in the night.

bitzyboozer

@meetapossum UGH, thank you, now can you convince my bf of this? He is a flat sheet person and I am not, and it's just. so. frustrating.

Yolanda and Steve

@Inconceivable! Not sure how this happens, but on the rare occasion I use a flat sheet (other people's homes or hotel only!) it ends up wrapping itself around my head and neck in the middle of the night. TERRIFYING!

KeLynn

@SuperGogo Ughhh I always rip the sheets up with my feet and them wrap them around. My boyfriend is a flat sheet person and he always wants to come up and "fix" what I've done by re-tucking it.

Feminist Killjoy

@Clare wait, i thought Hospital Corners were for when you're using a flat sheet as a bottom sheet? and then I kind of assumed that maybe in hospitals it's too much trouble to make sure they have flat sheets AND fitted sheets for every single bed, and keeping them separate and laundered etc., so they (who's "they"? not sure.) just used flat sheets on top and bottom. my mind is blown.

also, hospital corners are annoying even if you don't have plantar fasciitis, and the visual of someone sleeping on their back with their toes pointed due to too-tight sheets is really weird.

H.E. Ladypants

@SuperGogo I actually find the feeling of everything being tucked in tightly at the bottom very comforting! However, I attribute this to growing up in a place that was often very cold at night. Once I was in bed the idea of any air from outside that little square of warm bed/blanketed space getting into your cucoon was not something to be sought ought, encouraged, or happened upon accidentally. See also sleeping with two afghans and the comforter up above the tops of my ears.

LeafySeaDragon

ummm, def get mr. skidmarks checked out. that is NOT normal. poor guy. but more over, poor YOU. frankly, i'd kick a man out of bed for that.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@LeafySeaDragon I may have had to wake up a dude in my bed because he had pooped in it. So that he could clean it all up. Which he did, let's say, in an unwise fashion.

Ellie

@Veronica Mars is smarter than me Like . . . Trainspotting style? Ew, ew, ew, ew.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@Ellie It was sooooo weird. Like, he had no idea he had done it, but then he wasn't sick or anything after I woke him up. I really expected that he would be deathly ill when I woke him. But, in fairness, he was on some pretty serious meds at the time. I think he maybe just had to go but was too sedated to be aware, so his body just... took care of it? idk. Let's not talk about this anymore.

Porn Peddler

Hospital corners are ugly. There, I said it.

My vacuum broke this week and I'm grouchy...without a vacuum, my wood floors just aren't the same! I'm also now vacuuming my area rugs with a sharkie vac and the rotating bristle brush is BURIED in the long hair of me and my dirty hippie partner *sob*

parallel-lines

@Third Wave Housewife I hate hospital corners. Back in high school I worked in a nursing home and had to make the resident's beds and they'd beg for no hospital corners because the bottom is so tight and unconfortable when you get into bed. Not a fan of them either..

leonstj

@Third Wave Housewife - Wood floors? MOP THEM. OMG Mopping is literally the ONLY fun housecleaning chore.

Whenever I mop, I listen to Irish Music, which I'm pretty sure is the exact same thing as Sea Shanties (all sailors are irish in my brain - i know this is all wildly untrue, but a man can dream) and I mop and I sing, and I pretend I am a pirate on the high seas.

Oh mopping, it is glorious.

Porn Peddler

@leon.saintjean You'll forgive me if I never want to mop again after my four month stint as the jizzmopper, right? I've even got a nice big bottle of murphy's oil in my cabinet but UGHHHH MOPPING.

leonstj

@Third Wave Housewife - OH i forgot about that. Yes. Forgiven.

(Everyone else though, yo-ho, yo-ho, a mopping life for me!)

Porn Peddler

Oh man, and HOW do I get all this hair out of the brush? We both have very long hair and this is a tiny vacuum with a brush maybe three inches wide soooo it really doesn't take much. I've been...pulling at it. This doesn't seem to work. I wish I could pop the brush out of the attachment but it doesn't look like I can :(

Also, I think I might give in and mop. Perhaps the satisfaction of seeing my word floors all shiny (This is never going to happen, this is a historic house and the floors will never look the way I'm imagining) will make up for the flashbacks of the FLOOR THAT WOULD NEVER BE TRULY CLEAN. I almost volunteered to get in there for a hands and kneesies scrub on Christmas while we were closed but....ugh.

Smallison

@leon.saintjean Oogh. Mopping is my least favorite task EVAR. It takes me an embarrassingly long time to break down and even use a Swiffer (which doesn't even really clean anything)! Perhaps I need to incorporate more sea shanties, though. That would definitely improve my mood!

wharrgarbl

@Third Wave Housewife Get out your scissors, get one blade under as much hair as possible, cut it, pull it out, repeat as necessary.

spoondisaster

@Third Wave Housewife I took scissors to the bristle brush on my big vacuum and just cut it all out. It's not a perfect solution as you still have to pull it out, but it does the job. I have long, thick hair that falls out at a ridiculous rate so I feel your pain.

Ophelia

@spoondisaster Also, once you've snipped through parts of it, a comb can really help get the rest out.

LeafySeaDragon

@Third Wave Housewife brush it with a comb. or a metal cat comb cat brush is better.

Megasus

@leon.saintjean You still need to sweep/vaccumn before mopping though, otherwise you just have big wet hair chunks all over the place.

wharrgarbl

@Megan Patterson@facebook Yes. It is the fastest way to turn your entire house into the shower drain.

catsuperhero

@Third Wave Housewife Bona Wood Polish. I swear. It's awesome. I used it on the built-in-1920 (so not ridiculously old, but still) hardwood floors in my old house, and woooo! Shiny!

Plus, again. You get to say "Bona." ;)

no way

@Smallison Agreed. I will do all the other chores, just don't make me mop.

Cat named Virtute

@Smallison Anyway, I thought for most floors we weren't supposed to mop? Doesn't Jolie tell us to do a good sweep or vacuum followed by hands and kneesy?

And I gotta say, now that she's gotten me hooked, I like handsy kneesy better. Everything is so much cleaner!

fondue with cheddar

@wharrgarbl Scissors can be tough if the hair is long and wrapped around tightly. If you're careful, you can use a pointy X-acto blade to cut the hair so you can pull it off easily. My ex husband had long hair, so between the two of us I had to cut hair out of the brush constantly.

Smallison

@Marika Pea@twitter Yeah, we're not supposed to. But I don't do handsies and kneesies, either! I vacuum like there's no tomorrow, but I just can't stand cleaning linoleum and tile floors, I guess. :(

Porn Peddler

@jen325 Yep, exactly the problem (plus it's such a small attachment) I ended up hacking at it with my leatherman.

vvv
vvv

@Third Wave Housewife get a seam ripper! i have about-waist-length hair and I shed a LOT so my vacuum gets hairy something awful. I think I got this tip from Martha, it works great. Buy a seam ripper from the sewing notions section, if you are not sewing-inclined, and run that sucker along the brush roll thingy. the little razor in the nook/cranny of the seam ripper takes care of the tightly wound hairs like magic and you just give it a pull and it comes right out. it's fun!

Porn Peddler

@vvv AUGH WHY DIDN'T IT THINK OF THIS, I HAVE A SEAM RIPPER

dr. annabel lies

@leon.saintjean Agreed, mopping is THE BEST. Sweeping, however, can fuck right off.

wharrgarbl

@vvv As someone who's never, ever been able to vacuum using a beater brush without having this problem, I am casting a seriously jaundiced eye upon the claim that de-tangling hair from it can ever be described as "fun."

Hellcat

@Third Wave Housewife Oy, oh the hair... periodically, I have to flip over the Dyson and go at the spinny thing with scissors. Snip and rotate, snip and rotate... ugh. Get rid of my hair, it is revolting.

@vvv You wonderful genius!

Aphrodite

@Third Wave Housewife I use a swiss army knife and saw through the hair in a line, all the way down the length of the beater bar (aka spinny thing). Then you can pull it out pretty easily.

Feminist Killjoy

@vvv THAT IS SO SMART!

MsChilePepper

@leon.saintjean Leon, if you ever make your way to Seattle, I will personally take you to the Center for Wooden Boats, where they host a monthly sing-along session -- all sea shanties! It's glorious! :D

Princess Slayer

I grew up making my bed with hospital corners already?! I did not know this. I actually miss making my bed with a flat sheet now that I've gone Euro style.

SarahP

@Princess Slayer We always did hospital corners at home, too, and I still do them. I like getting into bed feeling like I'm slipping into an envelope!

oboe-d-amore

@Princess Slayer You could go full-on Euro dorm style and use a flat sheet as your bottom sheet?

SuperGogo

Do I use a top sheet? No.
Did I have a hankering to watch a fine looking military man make a bed? Yes, indeedy!

leonstj

I have been, well, not "making my bed", but I have been doing this thing where I make sure the topsheet and comforter are both neatly on top of the fitted sheet?

I wanted to like, do a crazy "oh wow that bed is made so nice!" But then I remembered that my bed touches two walls of my tiny greenpoint apartment and is only about 4 inches from a third, so, uh...

Is there any way at all to really make-make hospital corners when you only have access to one side of the bed? Or because I am a (charming, hilarious, good-cooking, well-manered, lovable, feminist) boy, is it good enough just that i shook my topsheet and comforter out in the air over the bed and then smoothed them out?

Porn Peddler

@leon.saintjean My bed only touches one wall with plenty of room on every side, and I NEVER tuck sheets in at all when I do my daily-bed-making routine (I tuck them maybe once a week but never in hospital corners). It's...it's too tight! NO TUCKING. I make everything straight and neat, arrange the pillows and one decorative blanket, and fold down the comforter and sheet at the head of the bed. That's all it takes, really...

wharrgarbl

@leon.saintjean You can also use a dummy top sheet with hospital corners as a bottom sheet and then hide the top sheet, if you want to impress company/random visitors/burglars.

leonstj

@wharrgarbl - Honestly I still don't know if i buy into this 'making my bed' thing at all. It seems like a complete waste of time to me.

BUT, I'm still a ridiculous man-child, so I have decided to try to do 'grownup' things like bed-making, and hopefully soon I'll be a little bit less of a goofy fool. Worth a shot!

anachronistique

@Third Wave Housewife That's all I do on a daily basis as well. There's only so much I'm going to do before coffee.

Porn Peddler

@anachronistique I find that the only way to keep myself from going back to bed on work-from-home-days is to do a 20-30 minute cleaning frenzy the second my eyes open. So. Opposite. I just hate tight sheets.

Killerpants

@leon.saintjean I started "making" my bed this month, and that's just what I do as well. I have between 7 and 9 pillows on my bed that migrate to different points of the bed during the night, and I just toss them to the head of the bed in a couple of not-terribly-neat piles, and then straighten out the flat sheet and comforter with your same method (shake them out over the bed so that they lie fairly neatly). It's not true bedmaking, but I do really enjoy the relative neatness of it compared to the snarl of blankets & pillows that has comprised my bedscape for, oh, my entire life.

In short: stamp of approval from this stranger on the internet!

Esther C. Werdiger

@leon.saintjean
I am not a tucker (I probably just tuck when I set up a bed for a houseguest and want to be funny or something - yes, this is my idea of a joke), and I normally just straighten pillows and shake out the comforter and the blanked on top of my comforter. BUT here's a thing I do which adds a little bit of pizzaz, I guess. When I lay the top blanket on top of the comforter, I pull it more towards the foot of the bed, so there's a generous strip of exposed comforter at the head. Then I fold that exposed bit over. It looks cute, I guess. Adds depth. Texture.

Lily Rowan

@leon.saintjean Um, I'm pretty sure making sure the top sheet and comforter are neatly on top of the fitted sheet IS making your bed? Unless you are a crazy person who likes the top sheet tucked in all tight, of course.

AniaGosia

@leon.saintjean I honestly thought that shaking my comforter and topsheet out over the bed and then smoothing them down and arranging it all neatly WAS making the bed. So it seems that I'm doing it wrong. But it looks nice anyway!

slutberry

@Lily Rowan YES YES YES. It is making your bed. But I make hospital corners and then kick them out at night and make them again in the morning.

billie_crusoe

@leon.saintjean I don't buy the whole making-the-bed thing, probably because my mom never made us do it? After I make it, it takes SO LONG to get everything right again for sleeping! Also, if I am home doing school work / watching TV / reading a book / etc., I am always in bed (I have joint problems and it's hard to get comfortable at my desk). I feel like a slob, but... meh. I would possibly do the shake-out-the-top-sheet thing for a partner, but my ex always wanted me to tuck and I was all, "fuck it, do it yourself."

spekkle

@leon.saintjean oh, oh! another Greenpointer! Love it.

My non-bed-making excuse is that my husband wakes up after I leave for work and is also VERY anti-bed-making. I will not be making the bed once I return at 6:30pm. I do feel the shame though.

Sassafrass

I love hospital corners! And that video. Those guys are welcome to make my bed any day. Nothing makes me crazier than messy, shuffled sheets.

fondue with cheddar

@Sassafrass THIS TO INFINITY. When my sheets are bunched up or the bottom sheet isn't smooth, it drives me crazy! I have a lot of trouble falling asleep that way.

I never knew what hospital corners were until now. Turns out my own method is sort of like opposite hospital corners; instead of tucking the corner flap of the top sheet on the sides, I tuck it on the end. It doesn't look as neat because I don't tuck it all the way up the sides, but it stays put without making the top sheet too tight for comfort. And I just throw a comforter over the sheets anyway so the bed can still look nice.

And yes, DS Westbrook can come make my bed anytime.

Sassafrass

@jen325 This is an excellent idea! Sometimes in my zeal for a neat and tidy bed I do make the top sheet too tight and have to scootch in ever so slightly as not to undo all the hard work. Will have to try this way the next time I change my sheets.

Norrey

Ok, so somewhat unrelated, but I use a non-fitted sheet for the bottom layer of my bed. You have to make sure you either get a size up or get European style sheets, but it's so nice. You guys, you know how sometimes fitted sheets don't quite fit your mattress? Either they're too small and look funny or they are too big and feel all wrinkly? Well, get a big flat sheet and make hospital/military corners over your bed and it always fits and looks nice, also feels old time-y and I like to pretend that I'm living in the English country side when I make my bed. Also, I'm saving up for this :http://roughlinen.com/ because doesn't that just look amazing?

MmeLibrarian

@Norrey Oh, dear. Want. Now. Gimme.

@serenityfound

@Norrey Do you use sheet clips (is that what they're called?) or anything to keep the bottom sheet in place? I hate going to hotels where they don't use a fitted sheet because my tossing and turning always untucks the flat bottom sheet.

Mingus_Thurber

@Norrey I have a set of linen sheets from Williams-Sonoma that I love. I use them constantly, from the time it's just a bit too warm for flannel, until my feet start freezing again. I LOVE THEM. They're just skritchy enough to be really comforting, and they're very cool to sleep on. Perfect, in other words, for hot, humid Texas nights when even a/c doesn't do it.

spanglepants

@Norrey Not that I'm in the business of shattering people's illusions, but I grew up in the English countryside and we totally had fitted sheets. I actually associate more old-timey bedmaking with the US/ N America, since duvets seem to be less of a thing over there and top sheets are still in common use.

Norrey

@@serenityfound I don't, but I've never had a problem with the sheets moving around. Though, both the partner and I don't move around much in our sleep.

AniaGosia

@Norrey Those looks SO amazing. I think I will finally feel like a grownup when I have sheets that nice.

Norrey

@Mingus_Thurber Well, yeah, I figured as much. It's not so much that I'm thinking of the real English countryside, but more a fantasy English countryside that exists only in my head.

broompeople

@Norrey oh those sheets! Those St. Barts doona covers, my word. This is literally a whole new world of niceness for me. My future bed/apartment will be forever in your debt.

oboe-d-amore

@spanglepants I live in England and use a flat sheet as a bottom sheet, but that is because of a dorm situation. My partner (though she does the duvet-cover-as-top-sheet thing) uses a normal fitted bottom sheet.

anachronistique

Can we discuss how terrible those mornings are when your tampon/pad/cup/sea sponge/whatever fails to contain the flow and you wake up an hour before your alarm goes off and have to shower and make sure you didn't bleed all over the mattress and then try to figure out if you have time to wash your sheets before work?

I need more coffee.

Ophelia

@anachronistique word.

Cat named Virtute

@anachronistique This happens more than I care to admit, even with my Keeper. I'm pretty sure my vagina is warped or something.

anachronistique

@Marika Pea@twitter I love my DivaCup but my flow is too mighty for it at least once per period. (Yes, even with a backup pad.)

@serenityfound

@anachronistique This happens all. the. time. Somehow it got on the top of my (unbeknownst to me) dry clean-only comforter (K-mart, why you selling dry clean-only comforters?). Then I tried to clean it up with Oxy, which didn't go terribly well.

Cat named Virtute

@anachronistique YEP. And then you're messing around with oxy and trying to get all the little white crumbs out of your mattress AND WHY WON'T THE VACUUM GET THEM ALL?

(Shark week may have started today; I'm a little sensitive).

fondue with cheddar

@anachronistique That happens to me EVERY MONTH. I always spot wash them with soap in the bathroom sink and leave them in a heap until I get home. And I don't rinse the soap out so it sort of pre-treats the bits I might have missed.

I have a pretty heavy flow too, and I've considered the DivaCup but have not bought one for fear that it will not be enough. Maybe a DivaCup/sea sponge combo?

MoxyCrimeFighter

@anachronistique Ugh, why why WHYYYY. Every damn time, too. I'm glad I'm not the only woman who hasn't mastered her flow, though, because every time I get another spot on my period panties, I wonder why I am A Gross.

Also, why don't extra long pads work?! Does anyone else feel like they don't actually absorb and sort of just let the effluence slide along them until it hits fabric? (I'm super grumpy about this because I've been hemorrhaging like a motherfuck for the past 3 days.)

fondue with cheddar

@MoxyCrimeFighter I'm having pretty good luck with Always Infinity. My problem is that the pads often aren't long enough, which is crazy I know, but it either slides up my buttcrack past the edge of the pad or, more often, up between my labia and out the top. Also, clots just go wherever they want so if you get those (which I do, often) you're screwed. WTH PERIOD, DO I HAVE TO WEAR DEPENDS TO BED?

@serenityfound

@jen325 I <3 Always Infinity. My problem I think is that I sometimes sleep primarily on my back so I compensate for that in placement, but then I roll over onto my stomach while I'm asleep and get front leakage. Or I compensate for that and end up sleeping on my back and get back leakage. There's no way to win!

fondue with cheddar

@@serenityfound Ugh, you CAN'T win! :(

I'm fortunate (?) to not be able to sleep on my back, so I don't have the same sort of front/back problem, but I do sleep on my side a lot. And pads are terrible at side protection. I always get leakage on the side buttcheek area. The ones with the huge extra wings that spread out across your butt help, but sometimes they're still not enough.

PERIODS! I DO NOT LIKE THEM.

hijabeng

@MoxyCrimeFighter I wear two pads at a time - one placed further back and the other further up, with like one-two inches overlapping. More comfortable than a diaper (even tho it feels like a diaper) and very rare leakage, even at night. Woman problems, ugh.

MoxyCrimeFighter

@jen325 No, that's exactly! Bloody buttcrack! I didn't want to say it because I still think I am grosser than everyone but it's not truuuue yay!

fondue with cheddar

@MoxyCrimeFighter It works so well it's like the buttcrack was made to conduct blood away from the vagina! Bloody buttcrack! Or as the Brits say, "Bloody buttcrack!"

anachronistique

@jen325 THIS WAS EXACTLY MY PROBLEM THIS MORNING. And that is why the backup pad does not actually help all the time. AAAAAAARGH.

fondue with cheddar

@anachronistique I try to give myself pad wedgies when I go to bed, which causes new problems with normal pads but sometimes helps when you've got the big huge buttflap pads. But the pad wedgie does not always stay in place.

hijabeng

@jen325 Maybe wear tighter shorts/pants to sleep? Yoga pants? Bike shorts? Holds the underwear and pad wedgie in place without suffocating the pad and making it cut into your skin like tight underwear would (I know too much about this issue).

.
.

@jen325 Overnight pad plus thick toilet paper wedgie to plug the crack canal has worked for me. My flow usually isn't super super heavy though.

fondue with cheddar

@hijabeng That might work. I don't wear anything but undies to bed because it make me uncomfortable, but bike shorts are worth a try.

@Mooah Toilet paper wedgie to plug the crack canal. I love you. Not for the idea (my flow is pretty heavy, so the toilet paper would probably just draw the blood out) but for the way you said it! Also, my cat's name is Moo so I like your username.

OH, THE LENGTHS TO WHICH WE MUST GO.

noReally

They have to use the wet wipes every time they use the toilet. You don't walk around with poop on you, and make a mental note to clean it off before you have sex. You get better at wiping. And if he's wiping like a big boy and then getting poop on himself just walking around then yeah, doctor.

SuperGogo

@noReally Yeah, I got the impression that the skids of LW1's bf may not be a result of inter-bathroom-visit incontinence so much as just...not doing a great job of wiping? It can't hurt to see a doctor at any rate, but the solution may be as simple as him brushing up on his wiping techniques. (oh god, I can't believe I just typed that!)

Jinxie

@noReally AGREED! Thorough cleaning post #2 is important not just for the preservation of your lady's nice sheets, but for your own personal comfort and hygiene! Just keep a tub of wet wipes (they make ones for grown ups now, so you don't have to feel weird about using baby wipes) next to the toilet and use one whenever you do your business, giving your, um...area...a pat down with a little tp after you've wet wiped (bonus: you use less toilet paper this way!). And like you said, if he does that on the regular and there's still a problem, then by all means see a doc.

madge

@noReally yes -- the way you know you've wiped enough is that your last wipe has nothing on it. is it possible that people get to adulthood without knowing this?!?

fabel

@madge Yes. Exactly. Also, I think men may need to be more careful with all the hair they have? (at least, that's my theory on why most of them love wet wipes so much)

noReally

@madge A particular dude I was with asserted that all men leave skid marks, and that's just how it is. And he also had this freakish fear of clogging up the toilet, and frequently observed that women, all women, use way, way too much toilet paper all the time. Risking the dread toilet clog.

Which made me think these men (all men, if you believe this one) do not wipe themselves as many times as it takes because they learned somewhere that more than one hunk of paper will lead to an overflowing toilet.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@noReally This is SO not an excuse! Just flush once in the middle! UGH. Also, like, I think crazy (hard?) poop is responsible for more clogs than toilet paper, right? Like, you'd have to put SO much paper in there to actually clog it, assuming you are located in a "developed" country. (In Brazil you have to put the TP in the trash can, you can't flush it. Even for poops. Also tampons. This... took some getting used to.)

I do think they have a harder time with the butt-hair sort of... catching things. But seriously. Wipes. TP. If either/both of these things cause irritation then you are buying the wrong thing for your needs.

Ellie

@madge I once heard a quotation from some comedian "How do blind people know when they're done" and have seriously wondered about it ever since.

themmases

@SuperGogo I thought that but I figured if he was really so embarrassed then he probably had tried to step up his wiping and it was still a problem? Wouldn't any normal person start wiping obsessively after the first incident?

I dunno, I have no idea what context this kept coming up but my ex boyfriend managed to use the phrase "wipe properly" several times during our relationship, implying that he thought there was some technique involved other than simple thoroughness. Clearly he had it backwards though, because one time he tried to fart on me during a tickle fight and my leg ended up with a little bonus.

MilesofMountains

@themmases The benefit/downside of having a family of nurses is that I am familiar with the idea of a proper way to wipe. Apparently if you work as a nurse long enough, you lose all sense of "too gross to discuss at family dinners"

Jinxie

@Veronica Mars is smarter than me Apparently you're not supposed to flush tampons anywhere, which I only recently learned. I feel bad for any toilets I may have unwittingly clogged over the last 20 years.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@Jinxie I was the opposite. Since my mom grew up in BR, when I first learned about period stuff she taught me to wrap them in TP and/or newspaper and put them in the trash. A few months after I moved into the dorms freshman year, the RA (or possibly cleaning staff?) posted signs in the bathroom along the lines of "ladies, tampons are flushable. Do NOT put them in the tiny stall trash cans!!!!!" The note was definitely for me, as I was heading into the stall in order to change my tampon mid-purriod week. I immediately changed my ways in order to avoid dying of embarrassment. And I will continue to flush those things with great zeal.

Ellie

@Jinxie I grew up on a college campus and there were signs EVERYWHERE saying "Don't flush tampons" so I thought that you were never supposed to flush tampons, ever. Then when I got to college myself I noticed someone doing it (I don't know how I perceived this - I think she had forgotten to flush maybe?) and was mentioning how weird that was to some people and my RA was like "Um, you know you can flush tampons, right?" Which I did not know, so I've been doing it ever since. Just not anywhere with sensitive seeming plumbing.

Ellie

@Veronica Mars is smarter than me That said, I don't get why throwing away tampons would be a big deal. You put pads in the trash can and tampons don't even smell as much (gross, gross, gross, sorry, this article has the grossest Hairpin comments ever) and take up much less room. It IS easier to flush them though.

Xanthophyllippa

@Veronica Mars is smarter than me This is true in China, too, about the putting the TP in the wastebasket instead of the toilet. This is in part because a lot of China still uses squat toilets (and it doesn't follow any consistent pattern; a nice restaurant is as likely to have a squatter as a rural home) and in part because most toilets in China are BYOTP. Always, always carry a little pack of tissues with you when travelling.

Aphrodite

@Veronica Mars is smarter than me Yeah it's for sure about the hairier butt. I'm pretty convinced. But wet wipes.

Feminist Killjoy

@Veronica Mars is smarter than me I've always been told never to flush tampons. I've had friends who flush them. At one of their houses they had to call a plumber because the toilets wouldn't work and the plumber was like "YOUR SEWAGE PIPE IS CLOGGED BY A GIANT LOG OF TAMPONS." Soo...

Jinxie

@Rosemary McClure This what I'm afraid of happening, which is why I'm trying to break my "flush 'em" habit.

camanda

Nooooo I face my pillowcase openings inwards. YOU CAN'T CHANGE ME.

tortietabbie

@camanda No! No! Outwards! Always outwards!

@serenityfound

@camanda Inwards! Then you toss a neck pillow or decorative pillow or teddy bear on top of where the openings butt up against each other and they are invisible!

teaandcakeordeath

@camanda
Im an out-ie. I never knew human beings could be divided up this way!

Mingus_Thurber

@tortietabbie We learned inwards in nursing school (side note: can you believe they still teach bedmaking in nursing school? I felt so Cherry Amesesque!) so that the pillow itself wouldn't be visible from the door. Also, the seam along the long side of the pillowcase had to face the head of the bed so it wouldn't rub somebody's neck. Also to never snap sheets in the air to straighten them out.

After ten years of nursing, I can make a queen bed in about thirty-five seconds (yes, I've timed it).

noReally

@camanda Had a boyfriend who wanted the openings inward because he imagined bugs crawling in his pillowcase. Thankfully, he wasn't that way about a whole bunch of other stuff too.

AniaGosia

@Mingus_Thurber I am curious: why not snap sheets in the air to straighten them?

@serenityfound

@AniaGosia I think it's a sanitation issue? Like how when I worked in food service, you weren't supposed to blow into your gloves or shake them around to "puff them up" before you put them on?

Mingus_Thurber

@AniaGosia @serenityfound: You're right! Sanitation issue. You don't want skin flakes and oh god I wish so much that I didn't know exactly what that term means going everywhere in a cloud all over the room, or viruses or bacteria. Even if your sheets are clean, the bed itself is considered dirty. The whole dirty/clean dichotomy, and the infintessimally fine definitions thereof, is the most interesting part of medicine (at least if you couldn't get a job with your liberal arts degree).

AniaGosia

@Mingus_Thurber Get rid of your skin, Seriously, It is Revolting.

Xanthophyllippa

@Mingus_Thurber Cherry Ames!! <3

Ophelia

Can't we just skip the flat sheet altogether? Washable duvet covers, people! Bed-making is a snap if there are fewer sheets to tuck in. I'll trade a once-weekly fumbling around the corners of a duvet cover like a bat in a parachute for every-day re-tucking of sheets.

parallel-lines

@Ophelia The flat sheet is nice for co-sleepers who have vastly different body temps but must be covered at all times because they have a lingering phobia from childhood that dictates monsters cannot eat/see them if they're under a sheet.

parallel-lines

@parallel-lines Or, you know...so I've heard.

Inconceivable!

@Ophelia Yesssss, solidarity! No flat sheets ever!

Ophelia

@parallel-lines Ahh. I only have that problem in the summer (at which point I just take the duvet out of the cover), as in winter I am completely covered, so nothing can eat me, and my husband isn't quite as stiflingly hot.

Exene

@Ophelia Ugh, no way, the duvet delve is my least favorite household chore. I'll dutifully straighten out the top sheet each morning and risk waking up with it twisted around my neck each night if it means wringing an extra week of cleanliness out of the duvet cover.

SuperGogo

@Ophelia Yes, yes, yes! Not to mention you can stick a foot/leg out for temperature regulation, and his-and-hers (or his-and-his/hers-and-hers) duvets can accomodate all sorts of sleeping temperature or cover stealing problems.

SuperGogo

@parallel-lines Two duvets! Two duvets is the answer to ALL sleeping-with-significant-other problems.

parallel-lines

@SuperGogo If you stick the leg out you might wake up in the morning with only one leg because the monsters get really hungry.

meetapossum

@Inconceivable! @Ophelia My people!!!

anachronistique

@Ophelia But sometimes I only want the sheet, and sometimes I want the sheet AND the duvet! Because my bedroom is directly over the furnace and can vary alarmingly in temperature.

Ophelia

@anachronistique We have an assortment of duvet combinations that change with the seasons (ie., in winter we have two duvets, inside duvet covers; in summer, we have 2 duvet covers, but only one of them has a duvet inside).

@parallel-lines Seriously. You need to watch your limbs at night. People need to be AWARE!

Plant Fire

@parallel-lines My parents like very different temperatures when they sleep so they have two duvets with two matching duvet covers (2 queen duvet covers on a queen size bed). They fold in half nicely so you can line them up next to each other neatly and the whole bed is covered and since the duvet covers match its all the same color/pattern so it looks nice. But my dad has a really thin summer duvet all year round and my mom switches between a heavy winter one and a medium summer one. If a super thin one is still too hot you can either take out the duvet and just use the cover (same thickness as a sheet) or sleep on top of the duvet with a light blanket.

Plant Fire

@anachronistique There are duvets of different thickness. I have a super super thin one for when its warm and an absurdly thick one for when its winter and the heat isn't working well or if I'm just super cold. There's a whole bunch of thicknesses in between you can get as well.

Ophelia

@parallel-lines Do you ever walk like an adult into your bedroom, but then take a flying leap from about 3 feet away from the bed, just in case? A friend wants to know.

thisisunclear

@parallel-lines Hi, are you me?

parallel-lines

@Ophelia ....you mean my friend, right? Yes. And she has to push the bed against the wall because sometimes the monsters are hanging out under the bed and they'll just reach their paw/talon/tentacle up and around and tap to see if anyone is in the bed that they can grab, and as long as she's against the wall under a sheet it's totally safe.

Ophelia

@parallel-lines Yes, definitely. And she does this even though she owns a platform bed?

MilesofMountains

@Ophelia I personally think that's only necessary if the lights are out. They can't grab you if a light is on.

But, er, a friend of mine hasn't stepped next to the bed when the lights are out in years. Because monster safety is no joke.

Mingus_Thurber

@MilesofMountains This is what cats are for. It's the whole reason I have cats. See, in the daytime, Underbed Monsters shrink to the size of frogs, and the cats kill them all while you're out of the house. QED!

MrsLlama

@SuperGogo I feel like I may need to go this way. I like to be under a top sheet, duvet AND quilt (with leg sticking out) and Mr Llama likes...none of these things.

SuperGogo

@MrsLlama Trust, it's the best. My manfriend and I sleep pretty compatibly on my mere full-sized bed because we both have our own twin-sized duvets. And if you fold both in half and lay them side-by-side like @sea ermine mentioned above, the bed is easy to make in the morning and reasonably neat (or cover the bed with one and fold up the other at the foot).

TheCheesemanCometh

@parallel-lines @Ophelia Sing it, sisters! I'm pretty sure your friend is my friend too.

@MilesofMountains There are a very long, and very strict list of rules that my Underbed Monsters must abide by, as per the terms of our 1981 Treaty of the Canopy.

Xanthophyllippa

@Ophelia My friend does this, too. She'll also turn off the bathroom light, take three giant, fast steps into the bedroom, then take the flying leap so the entire trip from bathroom to bed is about 2.1 seconds. (She also sleeps with a teddy bear to scare the Underbed Monsters - and No Name, who occasionally appears and wanders around the living room - away.)

Dancercise

New pillows: how often?

Ophelia

@Dancersize Every couple of years? But I throw mine in the washing machine sometimes. Not sure if you're supposed to do that, but I buy cheap ones from Ikea so I don't really care?

cuminafterall

@Dancersize Do you wash yours? I have fiberfill pillows and I think you can wash and dry them at home. However, I have not done this, because I'm gross, I guess.

meetapossum

@Dancersize Never? I only say this because I feel pillows shouldn't be dirty since they have cases on them that you wash. Then again I have two pillows from my childhood (they're probably...like 20 years old?) that I refuse to get rid of, despite many please from my mother. Maybe I'm just revolting, though.

OxfordComma

@meetapossum : Weeeelllll...if you have pink hair like some people do (coughcoughme)...it becomes slightly more necessary to wash the pillows.

With nothing else.

In very hot water.

ReginaSavage

@meetapossum Yeah dude. At this point that pillow is more dust and dead skin than pillow. Mmmmmm!

Hot Doom

@Dancersize I have never washed a pillow either, partly for the same reason..like..it's in a case, right? BUT! Lately, I have been getting creeped out by the down pillows my boyfriend has because I just...ugh, I don't know, I don't think they're that clean (man-sweating...drool, I don't know!). I have been lying awake in his bed at like 4am, on several occasions now, fantasizing about doing a late night wash and dry of the pillows, using Jolie's down-washing recommendations. I haven't done it yet though. But I also feel weird commandeering his pillows and being all "THESE PILLOWS! I want you to get rid of them, seriously, they are revolting. But also we are broke and can't afford new ones, so I want to wash them instead". So I guess that is what I will do. Who has pillow washing advice?

meetapossum

@ReginaSavage Well, if it makes anyone feel less disgusted by me, I have two new(ish) pillows that supplement the old ones. It's mostly a comfort thing!

Megasus

@LolaLaBalc Well, down ones you have to be very careful that they get completely dry, otherwise you can get mould in them.

ReginaSavage

@meetapossum I don't think you're disgusting! Just your pillows!

okaycrochet

@Ophelia Just throw a tennis ball in the machine with the pillows. That way they get the hell beaten out of them and stay fluffy.

Killerpants

@meetapossum Oh honey, me too! I have 2 pillows that i've had for as long as i can remember. They're at least 20 years old too, and they are the only pillows that have the exact right squishy-ness level for holding onto (i sleep on my side but need to hold onto a pillow to sort of prop me up or...something. i don't know, i just do it). Anyway, they are most definitely revolting, but they are one revolting thing I just can't bear to get rid of. And I'm pretty sure they'd disintegrate in even the gentlest washing scenario, so, yea. Revoltingness it is!

fondue with cheddar

@Dancersize If I could afford it, I would buy new pillows every month.

meetapossum

@Killerpants I'm glad you're here. I was starting to feel really bad about my disgusting pillows.

Hot Doom

@Megan Patterson@facebook Word! That is part of my late night washing-fantasy scenario! This is why I am paranoid of washing them.

MilesofMountains

@meetapossum I never wash my down pillows, either. I have two layers of pillow cases on them (pretty ones on top that are washed regularly, older ones below that are washed more infrequently). Unless you're drooling massive amounts of drool, what's getting on/in them?

fondue with cheddar

@MilesofMountains I would love to use pillows for sex, but I can't abide sexytime fluids soaking into them. It's a shame, because it's great to get a little pelvis lift sometimes.

AniaGosia

@MilesofMountains I do two layers of pillowcases too! The bottom pillowcase faces in one direction and the top on in the other direction so that no bare pillow ever shows. I regularly change the top pillowcase and less regularly change the bottom pillowcase.

MilesofMountains

@jen325 I've seen pillow case covers with a plastic backing. I'm not sure they're completely waterproof, but I would think it would stop moderate amounts of fluids from getting through.

fondue with cheddar

@MilesofMountains I'll have to keep my eye out for them. Thanks!

celacia

@meetapossum My allergies didn't turn horrible until I got rid of my childhood pillow around age 22 or so. I'm just saying.

lora.bee

@meetapossum Yes!! I miss my favorite old pillow...it got lost in the Great Bedbug Incident of 2010. RIP old pillow.

But...it had to go. *shudder*

a horde of great crab things

HOW has noone made a Piper Laurie in 'Carrie' reference by this point in this particular sub- thread? Or even a PJ Harvey one? I am very disappointed in you, hairpinners.

billie_crusoe

@Killerpants I have a memory foam pillow that I paid an ungodly amount of money for (which means probably about $30, I am a perpetual graduate student), and I am NEVER throwing it away. Never! When my last roommates thought they had brought home bedbugs, my first thought was that I would make them pay for a new memory foam pillow.

lisma

I am straight up mesmerized by that bed-making video. I need to go home right now and re-make my bed. Holy shit.

BosomBuddy

I am 100% retentive about hospital corners. I must have them.

I am sending this to my husband who, after 5 years of cohabitation, still does not understand what they are or how to make them (hi, honey!). Every single time we put new sheets on the bed, the fitted sheet goes on, then the flat sheet, at which point he's ready to put the duvet on, but I'm all "nuh-uh, hospital corners!" (I think that's verbatim. He may say otherwise). And he stares back and insists he still has no idea what they are. Then I show him one and make him do the other, all the while muttering that people who do not have hospital corners must be animals and I will not have other people thinking that we live like animals because we don't have them. I then stand satisfied, he thinks I'm crazy. It's only a partial win since this scenario is repeated EVERY TIME WE CHANGE THE SHEETS.

Porn Peddler

@BosomBuddy ...you kind of frighten me.

BosomBuddy

@Third Wave Housewife Yeah, it totally reads as scary. Which, I suppose, means it really is.

dale

@BosomBuddy It's funny. Having a mom who was a nurse means this is the one and only way I learned to make the bed, so anything else looks extremely strange to me, and people not knowing how confuse me! When my g/f and I moved in together she had no idea this was a thing that people do. She also didn't know how to fold a fitted sheet, so we've had several walkthroughs of that as well. Keep your shirt drawer in whatever state you want, but sheets get folded neatly!

acookieaday

@BosomBuddy My boyfriend basically doesn't believe in tucking the flat sheet in anywhere. I am frustrated by this as well. However, when I'm actually sleeping, I like to cocoon myself which results in me pulling out all of the tucks aside from the one at the bottom of the bed. You can't win.

BosomBuddy

@acookieaday I'm totally guilty of pulling out the sheets, too. I usually do not fix them. For whatever reason, my neuroses extend only so far as putting new sheets on the bed.

@dale It must be a nurse/military thing? I grew up with parents in both industries and that's how I've always made the bed. They will also straighten the duvet and sheets after only sitting on the bed. That, I cannot manage.

The Lady of Shalott

@BosomBuddy Oh yes, my dad taught me how to do Hospital Corners when I was very small and it is the only way I have known how to make beds. I truly did not know that people DIDN'T sleep with top sheets and hospital corners until I went away to UNIVERSITY and my roommate only had a duvet. It was eye-opening.

(I also like to straighten up my sheets and blankets after sitting on the bed....it looks so much nicer!)

iceberg

"Lay a flat sheet on top of the bottom sheet, with the top or patterned side facing down (this is so that when you fold the edge of the top sheet over your blanket, the decorative or patterned side is facing up)."

THANK YOU. can you plesase tell my husband this???

tortietabbie

Sometimes when I forget to make my bed in the morning, I do it as soon as I get home from work. At that point I doubt it matters, but it looks nice. Also the cat looooooooves to lay on the made-bed. So much so that I keep thinking she's escaped because I don't see her for hours, but it always ends up that she's just in the bedroom, napping on the bed.

meetapossum

@tortietabbie Isn't that where cats always end up?

noodge

@tortietabbie cats and bed making - they just go together! whether they like the made bed or love playing with the sheets during the bed-making process, it's just a magical combination.

Ophelia

@meetapossum I like that you sounded just like Terry Pratchett when you said that.

@serenityfound

I have made my bed for all but a couple of days this month, but keep running into a stupid problem. For some reason, the mattress pad/cover is slightly too big for my mattress or keeps slipping around so it never ever lays flat. And the super soft jersey cotton sheets I bought shrank in the wash (this never happened before!), so they are too small and show the mattress cover on the sides. It is unsightly and uncomfortable (sleeping on a dozen mattress pad wrinkles, boo).

Inkling

@@serenityfound
Can you fold up the sheet and put it at the foot of the bed like it's an afghan? Or is it a fitted sheet?

@serenityfound

@Inkcrafter They are both too small now, but the problematic one is indeed the fitted sheet. But the biggest issue is the (too big? poorly constructed?) mattress pad/cover that wrinkles up and causes unsightly and uncomfortable ridges.

Maria

I remembered to make my bed today!

spoondisaster

@Maria *high five*

Maria

@spoondisaster Thank you

whizz_dumb

I have been making my bed every morning for the first time in my life and I owe it all to YOU! I can't believe I was living in such squalor before.

camanda

I am a big bed-making proponent, and here is why: I made the bed, and the rest of the apartment looked so dreadful by comparison that I cleaned it, too. Now instead of cleaning after I get home from the dentist, I can sit on my butt watching Yes, Prime Minister all day. #LAMOB for life!

I still have to get sheets and a bedskirt to match my Friday Bargain Bin duvet cover and shams. I'm leery of cheap sheets, though, and I like the ones I have, so I'm dealing with the IMPERFECTION.

redheaded&crazy

making my bed has been the best. i forgot to one day and I came back and was like HORROR UPON HORRORS WHAT IS THIS MONSTROSITY and made it right away.

sooo chalk me up for one of The Converted!

She was a retail whore

I didn't used to make my bed, but I've just started to do so and it is INSANE how nice it is to come back home to it. No more pre-rumpled sheets. Now turning down my bed for the night helps usher me into sleep mode.

thisisunclear

I fell off the bedmaking bandwagon early in March, but then I went away for a week and the night before I cleaned my kitchen, and washed the sheets (even the duvet cover!) and put it all back together and guess what? It was SO NICE coming home from the airport to a cleanly home.

And I made my bed this morning. It's the final push! #LAMOB

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

I actually never clicked on any bed-making articles, but I have reached a 'made bed' equilibrium, I think. When I wake up, I just push the corners of the top sheet and blanket to their respective corners on the bed while still under them, then sliiiide out the side, leaving a made bed - well, a specific interpretation of 'made' to be sure.

Money in the Banana Stand

@Too Much Internet I make my bed the same way. I don't know what it is about getting out of bed and then bending all over to make it neat, but doing it while I'm in the bed is so. much. easier.

AniaGosia

I have been making my bed, but then I heard that you should actually let your bed air out after sleeping in it or the mattress will get moldy and it will encourage bedbugs. Is this true? How long should you air it out? Just while you eat breakfast or for the whole day (then make the bed when you get home from work)?

The Lady of Shalott

@AniaGosia I seem to have a faint memory of Jolie covering this several several AACP columns ago? I think she said that it was OK to leave it to air for a while, like eating breakfast/getting ready, and then make it before you leave the house or whatever? That is what I do, I defer to Jolie in all matters, and I am going to try to hunt up a reference now.

AniaGosia

@The Lady of Shalott Oh gosh, I think you're right. I have a faint memory of this now too. That is what I will be doing then.

TheCheesemanCometh

@AniaGosia I leave mine airing for about 5-10 minutes whle I trot down the hall to roust my child, make a bathroom detour, and then get dressed. I don't ever run the heater, so I've gotten into the habit of folding my pjs and pulling the sheet/duvet over the top so that they aren't super freezing at night. I've been making my bed for the last five months or so, and this routine seems to be working out well, with no fusty musties.

Jenabeba

Oh my. I would very much like the gentlemen in the video to come and make my bed! :-) Do they do house calls?!

Poubelle

I was going to make my bed but before I could the dog climbed up there and made a little nest in my comforter and has been sleeping there ever since. You tell a fuzzy miniature poodle/possible bichon he has to wake up and stop being such a cute sleepyhead.

I was going to take him for a walk but he opened his eyes, made a very contented sigh while wagging his little tail back and forth, and went back to sleep.

(Also, this the first dog I've ever lived with who isn't a sheepdog. It's nice to finally know a dog can live with me and not be neurotic in one form or another.)

Speaking of neuroses, part of the reason I am so bad at making my bed is that growing up, my dad did the most perfect hospital corners, including the blanket & comforter, that pretty much any attempt I make looks super-messy in comparison. (He also folds fitted sheets well. I would've learned these skills if younger me hadn't been a lazy slacker.)

camanda

@Poubelle I don't get this. My BFF always says, "Oh, I can't get up, my cat is on my lap," and I'm like why? I have three dogs. If I want to use something they're sitting on, they move.

Maybe I'm mean. On the other hand, my Akita once ate a pair of my flip-flops, so it's justified.

sammyr

First lady- I am SO GLAD you wrote in about this. I had a similar issue with my boyf. We would have sex and he'd get sweaty and I'd look at the sheet and there would be skid marks. The first couple of times I thought OMG HORROR WHAT IF IT WAS ME. But I quickly realised it wasn't. I really didn't even know what to say to him at first, I knew he would be completely humiliated.
However, I finally managed to tell him, trying to be as nice about it as possible but being firm that this was something that was unacceptable and he needed to deal with. Since then it hasn't happened.
I would suggest that your guy starts using wet wipes as a must every time he poops rather than just using TP.
As Jolie says, if his awareness of this problem hasn't been enough for him to manage to get it under control try to encourage him to get a check up.

PotatoPotato

So, I bought an OxiClean Max Force Gel Stick to keep at my boyfriend's place, because he has the washing machine and I have maybe...bled all over his sheets a few times.

So at some point I slept over and didn't take off my eye makeup before bed, and got a makeup stain on his pillowcase. (Get rid of your potatoes, they are revolting.) He used the gel stick on it, and it bleached the pillowcase! Super obvious pale splotch.

Anyone know if that shiz has Unintended Bleaching Potential? Cuz otherwise homeboy's tan sheets are maybe not supposed to be tan.

The Lady of Shalott

@PotatoPotato You are not revolting! I don't think there is a girl alive who has worn makeup and forgotten/not cared enough to take it off before bed. Or before doing the sex. Or before just lying down on your bed and consequently getting makeup on your pillowcases.

True story: I was about sixteen or seventeen and I had come home sobbing because of some...thing....(I was a teenager, I have no idea what it was, other than it was clearly THE END OF THE WORLD) and I threw myself sobbing onto my bed and I (obviously) got mascara stains all over my pillowcase, because of the tears and the running eye makeup. Anyway, because I am broke-ass I am still using those sheets several years later and the stain has ONLY NOW faded after years and years of being washed twice a month.

The moral of this story is: GET THE STAINS IMMEDIATELY AND YOU WILL BE MUCH HAPPIER.

But I can't actually answer your question about the OxiClean, sorry.

PotatoPotato

@The Lady of Shalott: At least you didn't use a bleachy stain stick! At least he got my mascara stain out?

There was one morning where the amount of blood all over his bed and sheets and mattress pad was so bad that I made up a lie and told him I maybe killed a gremlin. In my sleep. With my vagina. And that's why his sheets were in the wash. He bought it!

Jinxie

@PotatoPotato No need to worry - your boyfriend is [probably!] not revolting - OxiClean totally has bleach-like powers because it's actually an oxygen bleach. It's usually safe for colors but that obviously depends on a) the fabric and how colorfast it is and b) how you use the Oxi, like what form it's in. Using a little of the powdered stuff in your load of laundry is probably better for colors than letting the concentrated stuff from the stain stick sit on it for a while (because you're using a little dispersed through a lot of water v. a lot on one tiny area).

anachronistique

@Jinxie SUDDEN PANIC, I got one of these sticks and have two of my favorite shirts daubed with it right now. noooooooooo my shiiiiirts

PotatoPotato

@anachronistique: AAAAAHHH! Sorry, didn't mean to freak you out! (But, let me know what happens?)

PotatoPotato

@Jinxie: I'm not crazy! But I feel like there should have been a warning on the tube. They tell you to pre-treat stains up to 10 days in advance, and this pillowcase was treated and washed, like, the same day.

Jinxie

@PotatoPotato Maybe they were just crappy sheets to begin with?

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

Anyone else think the first guy in the video is probably a Sontaran?

Mingus_Thurber

@Veronica Mars is smarter than me YES. Except, are there Southern-sounding Sontarans? (saying that five times fast, brb)

Shayna

@Veronica Mars is smarter than me Cannot unsee O.o...

Shayna

@Mingus_Thurber Lots of planets have a south.

Kirsten Hey@facebook

Openings of pillows face inwards, or at least away from the door so that dirt/sand/general grot from the room/desert/ward doesn't blow into the gap.

Mingus_Thurber

@Kirsten Hey@facebook I love the term "general grot" and will be using it frequently from now on.

PistolPackinMama

@Mingus_Thurber General Grot and Flight Lieutenant Dustbunny... report to the Situation Room immediately!

karion

I'm so weirded out by question #4, only because I had that EXACT QUESTION pop in my head this week, and I thought about googling it. I much prefer having an AACP ruling.

Also, LW#1, you are my kind of girl. Even though I read that entire question with most things clenched.

Steph@twitter

Jolie! I <3 you, more than bleachie even. I'm a clean girl, but I always learn something new. And you're funny as hell.

LW#4 OMG, collective unconscious or what!?! I was thinking about that this morning as I LAMOBed.

Debris

Let's discuss the poop letter: I just completely freaked out over this yesterday. We were in a hotel. I woke up to find a mess all over the sheets and some on my hand! My hand! The panic! Who did it? Can I pretend it isn't there? A full thirty seconds of this before I realized it was chocolate that my bf, the sloppy gross bed eater, had been eating in bed before sex. I am so sorry for the maid that had to see that.

carolita

Boys leave skid marks, it's true! There's a great line in a Phillip Roth(?) novel (Portnoy's Complaint?) (I usually can't stand Roth, but he's got a few memorable moments I can't shake) about skid marks that goes something like, "I wipe and I wipe and I wipe till I'm sore but I still find that brown brushmark in my underpants." Something like that. I discovered that a BF had a habit of getting out of the shower, standing up while inserting one of my white towels between his legs with one end in front and the other end in the back, then pulling up and basically flossing himself. He did this right in front of me one day, solving the mystery of the skid marks. Boy, oh, boy did he get a reaction from me. (Groucho Marx: "Go, and never darken my towels again!") How he reached adulthood without realizing that this was just not done is beyond me. Hahaha. But yeah, constant skid marks on the sheets even though wiping thoroughly? That can't be right. Or maybe LW1'S BF has a sexual thing about rectal stimulation that he's not avowing to his lady? So he gets off by surreptitiously rubbing his sphincter on the sheets? Could it be that? If that's the case, when she takes him to the doctor, he'll have to admit it before forcing an exasperated diagnosis of the terminal henepezoopsis. And yes, there's definitely the possibility that he's just not wiping right. I had a fun discussion with a guy who at the age of 29 finally realized he wasn't doing it right. (His GF freaked after he left a skid mark on the sheets after coming in naked from the bathroom and sitting on the edge of the bed to kiss her good morning one fine day). (By "freaked out" I mean she started screaming hysterically, of course.) He finally developed a "reconnoitering technique" involving, well, not to get too explicit (though he was when we were laughing our asses off about it), checking what and where the damage is with a very gentle preliminary exploratory wipe, then going back with a more focused manoeuvre till the job was all done. I love guys who will tell me anything, really I do. (As long as I already know and adore them.)

Oh, yes, MAKING THE BED! the best habit I ever picked up besides learning to wash the dishes directly after dinner instead of waiting till I'm ready for bed and really don't want to anymore. That, and putting my checks in the bank instead of collecting them in my purse. Yes, making the bed is a brilliant thing to do for many reasons.
1- it is SO nice to come home to a pretty bed, and even nicer to turn it back just before slipping into it at the end of a long hard day.
2- you can find bugs in your bed a LOT more easily when your bed is made. I learned to make my bed every day (with white sheets) when I lived in a building with bad cockroach problems. You do not want lots of nooks and crannies made from unmade, tousled sheets just begging the critters to move in.
3 - it's a wonderful thing for people with irregular working hours and days to do. You need regularity SOMEWHERE in your life if you're freelance. Making the bed (and using the same coffee cup every morning) is like meditation for folks like me.

Porn Peddler

@carolita Am I the only one who made it down here? Oh my god, you even had a perfect story about skid marks. CAROLITA YOU ARE NOT OF THIS WORLD.

carolita

@Third Wave Housewife Ahahahaha! I didn't think anyone would make it all the way down here! Hallooo there! :)

PistolPackinMama

@carolita Oh, I made it. And it's a lucky thing you can tell a charming story, because I cannot unring the bell of the image of kiss plus hysteria GF.

Jinxie

@carolita COCKROACHES IN MY BED WHAT OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

chickaboom

@carolita lolllz. also, thanks for saying you can't stand philip roth, because i was afraid there for a second.

oopsydaisy

I'm just surprised by the amount of ladies who think that cleaning up skidmarks is their responsibility. Like, if I made skidmarks on our sheets, I would be cleaning that up in a hurry. But there are dudes who crap on the sheets, and their girlfriends and wives smear the poop with Shout, and write letters to advice columnists on the best ways to clean up the poop. I think it's important for people to clean up their own poop, if they are mentally competent.

timesnewroman

Agreed. I'm a little baffled by this as well.

carolita

@oopsydaisy Yeah, I dunno! It doesn't seem to bug dudes as much as it bugs us! I swear! I never met a guy who was bothered by the stains in his shorts. I didn't have a dog for the longest time, and never doubted my wish to never have a child because I always figured a BF was sort of an all in one lover, pet and child. All that messiness and cleaning up after. They won't do it because they don't care, seriously! What was that line in True Grit? "Men will live like billy goats if left to themselves"? They will! Well, lots of them would, anyway. All the ones I've known. Maybe the kind of personality I get along with in a man comes hardwired with manly slovenliness? To tell you the truth, they all think they're impeccable, only snapping out of their denial every now and then to ask me, "I'm disgusting! How do you put up with me?", then slipping back into their enchanted state as a wild animal again. There's something sort of fauvish about them. Gross and fauvish. Is fauvish the word? Feral? Well, it's a mystery to me. But there you have it.

likethestore

Just when I feel sad I'm not in a relationship, I read about sheet skid marks and I'm cured.

anachronistique

@Jinxie SUDDEN PANIC, I got one of these sticks and have two of my favorite shirts daubed with it right now. noooooooooo my shiiiiirts

QuicheRichards

I would honestly love to be making my bed, but it has been so torturously, unseasonably, disappointingly hot that I folded my blankets and top sheet and hid them in the closet. Looking at them makes me as uncomfortable as watching a Carl's Jr commercial immediately after dinner.

But I've done a great job of fluffing the pillows.

gobblegirl

Late to the party, but I just want to say I LURRRRRRRRVE me some hospital corners. To the point where I had a cat-and-mouse battle with a boy in which I would make my bed (and his) properly (no bed is properly made if it doesn't have hospital corners, sorry losers, take it up with my mother who brainwashed me), and he would wait until my back was turned and pull it out. It's lucky he was so hot, or I never would have put up with those shenanigans.

Jinxie

@gobblegirl OH that would make me so mad.

Porn Peddler

After reading all this, I looked at Mister and said, "I appreciate your clean asshole."
"It's not really that clean."
"You're not leading skid marks on my sheets."
"Guess it's cleaner than I thought."

Bluebird26

I don't understand how to make a bed WITHOUT hospital corners. If you have a flat sheet on a fitted sheet, what do you do with it? What happens to the ends and the sides? I feel like I've been brainwashed my whole life...but I'm totally okay with it...

oboe-d-amore

@Bluebird26 I do it more like...wrapping a present, where the overlap happens on the bottom of the bed, rather than on the sides. I don't know if that helps.

permanentbitchface

Suuuuper late to this party but I have a theory on this skid mark phenomenon!
Guys asses are hairy! There, I said it! Seriously, no amount of wiping will ever fully clean a hairy, hairy asshole.

Porn Peddler

@Christina But you know what? This still does not explain a damn thing to me. I can't imagine a normal situation in which my man would rub HIS ANUS on our sheets.

Prostitute Robot From The Future

@Third Wave Housewife Superduper late, but all I can think of now, is a guy rubbing his ass on a bed, the way a dog would do.

jlove

I should have been warned before reading LW1 right before I eat dinner :(

Snapfish

Probably no one will read this, but... Jolie, do you seriously think he must have a medical condition just because he leaves "skid marks"? He's not shitting the bed, it's just because MOST MEN DON'T KNOW HOW TO WIPE THEIR ASSES PROPERLY! This is a very common thing. Solution? Get him to use the baby wipes after every time he has a bowel movement. Problem solved!

Also it is possible that his food choices aren't totally bowel-healthy if his, uh, feces are a little, um, stickier than they should be, since IDEALLY one should not have much to wipe off after a BM in the first place, but it's a lot easier to just get him to clean himself as opposed to totally changing his diet. But "bowel incontinence" is pretty unlikely unless he is literally pooping when he farts and it's not just some stray matter that wasn't washed off.

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