Thursday, March 29, 2012


Ask a Clean Person: Let's All Make ... Our Beds. And Then Take a Nap.

Welcome to the final installment of March Madness, Clean Person-style, a monthlong project we've been calling Let's All Make ... Our Beds. It's just what it sounds like: we all made our beds for the entire month of March. The fun carried over to Twitter, where I tweeted regularly about all things bed-related and we used the hashtag #LAMOB to spread the joy far and wide!

Whoa wow whoa, we sure had some fun this month didn't we??? How's everyone feeling about things? Pretty good, I'm guessing, based on what my Twitter @ replies have looked like! And I'm feeling super great too because this has been a whole heap of fun. You guys are pretty much the best ever.

But enough of me telling you how great you are, how's about I show you how great you are?  And then we'll recap, and then I'll answer a few last questions and then after that's done let's all collapse into our (PERFECTLY MADE) beds and curl up with a good book.

To start, let's highlight some of the more informative and/or absolutely hilarious comments you all made in response to our posing a most indelicate question *clutches pearls*

General Tips for Making Period Sex Less Period-y and More Sex-y

Soft Cups and/or Diva Cups
Liberator Fascinator Throw
Do it on the floor!
Do it in the shower! (But! How do your legs work??)
Have a Bold Gay Man on call

And Now For Some Specifics

From commentress nina:

Three things – (1) Hotels: I did this once but felt sooo guilty that a stranger would have to clean up my blood and I had no products on hand to make it less messy! (2) Period cunnilingus – I was deeply impressed the first time this happened to me. Older guys FTW. (3) A friend who is a sex worker swears by some kind of sea sponge that they all use. Customers can't even tell they're on the rag.

Here's one of those sea sponges, btw.

From commentress dham:

Incredible overshare answer: If my period is too heavy, I'll bring a dildo/vibrator into the shower with me before sex, and just kind of go to town. This gets a surprising amount of blood out. I try to do this as near to likely sex as possible.

From commentress S. Elizabeth:

Those absorptive sheets that are marketed for housebreaking puppies, incontinent old people, and hospitals. You can buy them at CVS and they also work SUPER well if you are a lady who happens to be super messy in bed in general. Sexy? No. Awesome? YES.

On the subject of sheeting, from commentress queenofbithynia:

I originally got red sheets so I could drink wine in bed but they are multi-purpose.

From comentress spoondisaster, on why you shouldn't buy black sheets:

Because other sex stains tend to turn up as white and it's like they just sit on top of black sheets like neon "SOMEONE FUCKED HERE" signs.

A cool attitude from commentress alex hart:

period sex is totally a 'to-each-his/her-own' kinda thing, but my m.o. is like, "shit, I'm a moon goddess, ravish me."

On the other hand, it seems that a number of you have instituted a blowjobs and backrubs policy during what one of you hilariously referred to as "When the Communists invade my funbox." Hurrah for alternative methods of intimate time!

Commentress hamster baby shares this story of just being generally awesome:

related, but not really at all: a million years ago, when i was just a kitten, i was having first time sexytimes with my brand new long-distance boyfriend. he was going all the way downtown on me, when all of a sudden he popped up from between my legs and his face was a bloody mess. i thought my period had started. i almost died of embarrassment. as it turned out, i had given him a bloody nose with my intense pelvic thrusting. i died of embarrassment.

And finally, from commenter Tulletilsynet, on the fact that the menfolk would like to be heard:

I'm sure everybody will work out this interesting set of challenges to her own satisfaction but PLEASE NO MEAT TENDERIZER JOKES EVER.

Now back to me: I want to take a moment to remove my Clean Person's cap and don A Lady's chapeaux to address the subject of libido. I noticed a number of women bemoaning the fact that they have lower sex drives than what some of the TLoTHs and commentariette described. This is not a thing you should worry about or feel sad about! It's how your body chemistry is made up, and I would be upset to think that it's something you'd feel ashamed over, just in the same way I don't want ladies with a raging libido to feel like they're some kind of outlying sex monster. It's a funny thing we're doing to ourselves, comparing our sex drives and allowing ourselves to feel inadequate because we fall on one or the other end of the sex-beast spectrum. So let's maybe just stop that and be cool with the fact that we're all different and that's a fantastic thing. Team effort: we're gonna focus on working with what we've got, rather than wasting our lives whinging about what we lack, okay?

The same applies to wetness. Some women have vaginal dryness issues, some of us — you, some of you! — are constantly dripping all over the God damned place. I saw someone in the comments getting all, "HOW do you not use lube at all GOD!" and why in Gaia's name are you getting judgey about whether or not someone does or doesn't use lube? For crying out loud, knock that off.

With that sort of uncharacteristic scolding out of the way ("What happened to the Clean Person? She's usually so nice." "I dunno, I guess she just feels really strongly about vaginal dryness?"), how about we review what we've learned about our beds:

But hey, I'm not really ready for the fun to end just yet, so let's tackle a few final stragglers. I'll give shorter answers than usual because when I'm done here I can take to my bed and God help the person who comes between me and my process of taking to my bed.

I found what I suspect is a lube stain on my lovely cotton sheets! If it is lube, it's water-based, so I feel like the stain should just come out in the laundry? Or do I need to pretreat it? I love this sheet — please help me save it! Also, I live in Israel, which like the first-and-a-half world, so I don't have access to all the same cleaning supplies — like liquid detergent.

If you're using a water-based lube then yes, it should come out in the wash without needing much more than detergent, though of course you can't really go wrong with applying a spot treatment. Given that you don't have access to a ton of cleaning supplies, you can create a spot treatment with liquid dishsoap, or by mixing a little bit of powdered detergent with water to make a paste. However, I've heard that some people have had problems with Astroglide, which is a water-based lube, staining sheets so there's no guarantee that a water-based lube won't cause staining.

Out of curiosity (because I am obviously just looking for trouble), I nosed around on the internet for solutions to cleaning up silicone-based lubes as well and I'm not going to link to the place where I read this because I am nothing if not merciful, but apparently STP Carburetor Treatment works as a spot treatment for those sorts of stains. Yeah I don't know either, guys.

What to do about pillows? I use cases and clean them, obviously, but the actual pillows have these strange brown stains all over them. Some of said pillows have zip off cases that I am going to clean this weekend with OxiClean and regular detergent, but what to do about the pillows that do not have zip-off ... liners, shall we call them? They are really gross and your "month of clean beds" has inspired me to do something about these strange brown stains.

You can totally spot treat and launder the pillows without zip-off liners, and you totally should! Use your favorite stain treatment (maybe even something like Resolve for older, more stubborn and weird pillow stains?) Since we're doing quicktime Clean Personing I'm maaaajorly outsourcing this one, but here are the basics:

(1) Check the labels on the pillows and follow the washing care instructions.
(2) Foam-filled pillers should be handwashed in a large sink or the tub and then air-dried. Remember the tennis balls and tiny sneakers and dryer balls of yore? Those are, once again, your pals here.
(3) Poly-filled pillers can be machine washed on the gentle cycle — just make sure to wash more than one pillow at a time to balance the load and/or throw some towels in there too. They can be machine dried on a low-heat or tumble dry setting.
(4) Pillows can be dry cleaned if all of this feels like too much and you want to throw money at the problem. *makes it rain*

While I do admit I haven't been making my bed all month, I've been trying. I recently went away for the weekend and make it before I left, and upon returning and walking into my room to see my bed made, I felt like I had entered some sort of heaven/nirvana/happy-place. So I've been making it more regularly since then.

Anyway, at the foot of my bed in the cold months is a large homemade fleece blanket a friend gave to me. It's thick and heavy and made by cutting the edges into fringe and tying them together. This blanket has come and gone many places with me, but I'm not quite sure how to properly clean it — I guess I'm afraid it will shrink in odd ways. Also there is a small gray housepaint stain on the corner that has been there for years. The most annoying bit is that it picks up hair like crazy, and I admit to having quite a bit of hair. I've tried using a lint brush, but that only sort of works, and is temporary. Are there any magical ways to keep it cleaner? And even barring that how can I clean it?

So thrilled I am by your note that I've decided to have business cards made up for myself that say JOLIE KERR, CLEAN PERSON & SPIRITUAL GUIDE.

But yes fleece: a topic near and dear to my New England preppy-girl heart! Go on and launder your fleece blanket on a cold water setting. You can either tumble dry it on no- or very low-heat, or let it air dry. In terms of getting hair off it, there are lint rollers that are designed for large surfaces that you can check out, or you could use my patented (lolllll not at all patented) FedEx pouch lint remover method. Another item that's great for picking up gunk and also repelling further gunk are dryer sheets. Run one over the surface of your dry blankie, let it pick up what it will and then let the coating it leaves behind work its repellent magic.

Previously: You Are Still Making Your Beds!

Jolie Kerr is not paid to endorse any of the products mentioned in this column, but she sure would be very happy to accept any free samples the manufacturers care to send her way! Are you curious to know if she's answered a question you have? Do check out the archives, listed by topic. More importantly: is anything you own dirty?

Photo by ER_09, via Shutterstock

140 Comments / Post A Comment

The Lady of Shalott

Oh Jolie, I love you so much. Please let me be your devoted acolyte and worship at the feet of A Clean Person! I am lying (on top) of my PERFECTLY-MADE BED right now dreaming of how much I want to be ACP when I grow up.

Oh oh oh! As A Clean Person, what is your opinion on urinating in the shower?




@The Lady of Shalott
I once heard a comedian (though I can't remember who it was) say something along the lines of, "There are two types of people in the world. People who pee in the shower, and people who are liars."


@lue I pee in the bathtub.


@lue I might be a liar, but not about that!


powers rule lol. @y


There's nothing like being a grown ass lady who still gets blood on everythang.

Seriously, I've been doing this since I was eight. WHY DON'T I HAVE THE HANG OF IT

Party Falcon

@JessicaLovejoy Everything! Still. I did the math last week and I've been bleeding for 21 f'ing years. Seriously, how have I not managed to be A Clean Person When On The Rag yet?


@JessicaLovejoy Oh my dear lord. I feel this way in a few areas of my life, but seriously, this issue embodies everything that is wrong with me.


@JessicaLovejoy i'm with queenofbithynia. i just have tons of red sheets now.
thankfully my husband gets into enough scrapes that we're unsure whose blood stains are whose.


@JessicaLovejoy High five! LAMOB and buy oxi-clean sticks! It's ok!

ps - This is probably my favorite Ask a Clean Person post ever.


@JessicaLovejoy Since you were eight?! Oh my wow.

Party Falcon

@sox Eight, going on nine. Let me just say that fourth grades are NOT equipped for menstruating young ladies.

Maybe they are now? Hopefully?


@JessicaLovejoy Gurl, there is this most marvelous thing (which admittedly you must order from a sex shop, so if that icks you out, get a friend to do it), and it is called the latex sheet! Mine is red, so you hardly even notice things, it fits all over the top of my full size bed, so as long as we are clean people with the dusting rags/paper towels when getting off, the blood is all on the latex, and you can just fold it up like a purse and rinse in the shower. It is the best ever. Really.


@Party Falcon Last night the communists invaded. I woke up with that 'do not move, do now cough, do not breathe too hard' feeling. I made it to the shower without one drop anywhere, and I was so freaking proud of myself.

Well, that was onesmall drop on the tiles outside of the shower, which my cat decided started investigate. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Party Falcon

@cornflowerblues But isn't it all ... latex-y? With the smell and the slightly sticky/catchy texture?


@Craftastrophies Ugh, my dog did that to me once when I was having a similar running-to-the-bathroom moment. His eagerness was horrifying.

Party Falcon

As much as I've tried, begged, pleaded and cajoled (with period sex, even) MisterPF gets up significantly later than this bird and will not make the goddamn bed. (His mother made him do it every morning without fail for 18 years and he kept doing so in college. It did not occur to him until he graduated and got his first Big Boy apartment that he didn't have to if he didn't want to. 9 years later and he STILL relishes the chaos.)

I've been trying to do it when I get home, but it's just not as satisfying.


@Party Falcon Just make your side! That's what I do when the mister is still sleeping.

Lee Van Queef

@Party Falcon We have the (almost) very-same concern! It makes me feel both better and sadder. I know I can't make anyone else do something they really, really don't want to do but pleeeeeeeeeeeease! Just this thing! This fun little thing!

Party Falcon

@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas Since it's the first and last thing I see, I've been focusing on a clean kitchen before I leave, instead. Shiny sink, dishes in the washer, not-crumby counters, paper-related mischief managed, etc.

I'd prefer to see a smooth cool white duvet and plumped pillows when I go upstairs to change into after-work clothes, though.


@Party Falcon I have this same issue. My boyfriend stumbled over and fell into bed just as I was getting up today. He stretches across the whole thing/pulls the covers weirdly, so I can't make my half.

I blame my inability to stick with making my bed this month on him and his inability to get out of my bed before 5pm/I leave for class/work on most days.

At least it's not a jizzcliner.

Judith Slutler

@Party Falcon Yeah I seriously care so much more about my (flatshare) kitchen than my own room.

H.E. Ladypants

@Party Falcon When my boyfriend works from home, every so often he'll curl up and take a nap in the afternoon. He never, ever makes it afterwards and it drives me batty. We get into these logic loops that go like:

Ladypants: But I made the bed before I left!
Mr. Ladypants: Yes and then I slept in it.
Ladypants: And now it's not made, anymore.
Mr. Ladypants: Because I slept in it.
Ladypants: But I want to get into a made bed when I go to sleep!
Mr. Ladypants: Well, you made it this morning.

Etc. until I shrug, decide it's just a bed and go make tea.


@selkie86 When I was your age, we'd be have happy to have a jizzcliner to sleep on. Happy, you hear me??

kids these days with their made beds.


@Party Falcon Ahhhh, I see Party Falcon reads FlyLady's website!

Party Falcon

@sevanetta Oh, for a minute. I just could NOT get on board. Her stuff is clearly targeted to ... not me.

I was looking, literally, for someone to email me an say "Hey, PF, time to have a Clean Party in your powder room today. Get to scrubbin. And heads up, tomorrow we wash ALL the sheets and towels, so check your detergent supply." Stuff like that, not so much with the decluttering. Like, I cannot imagine having a counter/sink/kitchen so dirty and trapped under so many dishes and stuff that I would need inspiration JUST to find my sink and clean it.

But I do LOVE a shiny clean sink.


@teffodee Well, it's my unmade bed, but... point made.
Jizzcliners for everyone?

Cat named Virtute

Oh man, I started off so well at this, and now I'm maybe at a 50% bed-making rate.



@Marika Pea@twitter That's better than 0%! I used to be more fitful in my bedmaking but since I have feather pillows, I found that I sleep better when I take the time to fluff them up in the morning. That keeps them soft and squashy whereas before I would let them turn all lumpy and hard.


@Marika Pea@twitter i made it like twice! that's more than never! i will continue to make it twice a month- progress!

Judith Slutler

@Marika Pea@twitter Yeah I haven't been doing so hot at this either, but hey. Progress.

Party Falcon

OH! Hotel Period Sex! The maid who wrote in to Dan Savage said it was fine. If you wanted to be nice, just strip the bed and leave it in a ball on the floor, which is the international sign for "This is gross, just put it in the laundry without examination."


@Party Falcon Yes I saw that as well! She specifically said get the sheets dirty, NOT the towels, since they are bleachable and cheaper to replace if necessary. ALSO leave a tip.

Also since I missed the conversation the first time- period sex? Not a fan. Also period cunnilingus? Never tried, would probably stop someone if they tried. I am very pro-sex, very non-embarrassed about my period otherwise, it's just not a sexy-feeling time for me.


@Party Falcon It wasn't my hotel room ;)
But good idea for future encounters. I'm thrilled my overshare made the list!

Judith Slutler

@Party Falcon Yup. Do that, leave a tip, and it's all good I think.


@Emmanuelle Cunt This happened in Australia, where we never tip anyone, we just feel guilty and are ultra-polite to compensate.

Lee Van Queef

JOLIE! I love you and I love LAMOB!

Fellow bed-makers: do any of you, like me, cohabitate, and do any of you, like me, always leave for work in the morning before the person you share your bed with? I am so all about LAMOB, and in general have been using the Clean Person column to increase my home's daily cleanliness. My boyfriend is almost always extremely helpful on this score, happily and often without asking sharing the chore load. (YAY!) However, he just WILL NOT MAKE THE BED.

I've asked for his help on it a few times, and whenever I do, he always does it for a few days, the bed-making getting less and less crisp and pretty day by day, until it just drops off and there's no bed-making. I would gladly do this myself every morning, but I can't because I always leave the house first. He even recognizes how much nicer the bedroom looks and feels when you enter it and the bed is made, but he just hate hate hates making it.

TL;DR -- Have y'all had success getting others in your home to make that bed????


@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas Get rid of your significant others, seriously, they are disgusting.


@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas
Persevere! I seriously got teased for making the bed at first, but I just kept it up and then one day he made it for me as a surprise. He does not do as good a job so I will sometime give it a once over, especially my pillows.

I sometimes will make just my side if he is still in bed and it actually makes him get up so I can do the whole thing.


@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas I've given up trying to get him to make the bed, but sometimes I just make it when I get home from work. Because why not! It's still made for a little while and it makes me feel virtuous.


@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas
No luck in getting help, but at least he'll move so I can do it.
Though since he's been home this month it takes more effort to make the bed - he seems to destroy it while asleep. Pillows and sheets everywhere. When it's just me I can get away with tugging the sheets and comforter up and plumping the pillows. Now it's an effort just to find all the pillows.

Lee Van Queef

@lobsterhug @tortietabbe @Changeling I guess I was secretly hoping for a magic potion recipe, but the knowledge that other people share the bed struggle is a fair substitution.


@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas My boyfriend refuses to make the bed (he just sort of pulls the comforter back up), and I always have to leave the house before he's awake. Instead of fighting with him about it (I will not win), I just make it when I get home in the afternoon. It's not perfect, and I secretly hope that someday he'll take the hint and make it himself, but until that day, this works for me.

crane your neck

@lobsterhug He made it for you as a surprise? That is so sweet!


@crane your neck It was the sweetest. He actually had to very sheepishly ask me how because he was having trouble with one of the blankets.

sugar cubism

Atop my bed is a quilt my mama made me, which I hope to have for 100 years or so. It's been so nice to come on home and see it smiling flatly up at me when I've gotten home this whole month (mostly. It may or may not have spent a day all rumpled on two to four occasions).
You are changing lives, here, A Clean Person!


Ahh! Bed making month is almost over and I still have a bed related question: I am poor and I need new sheets & duvet covers. Does anyone know how to maximize comfort and minimize cost? I want the nicest but cheapest sheets I can get. I've thought about Overstock, but I'm worried about buying sheets without being able to touch them. And I've heard that thread count isn't the be-all-end-all. Help?

Party Falcon

@AniaGosia Got or know anybody with a warehouse club membership? (Sam's, Costco?) I've always had excellent sheet-luck there.

Also Macy's/Penny's clearance, if you aren't hung up on super match-y match-y sets.

I've never bought online, either. MUST TOUCH THE SHEETS.


@AniaGosia Do you have an Ikea nearby? Their sheets are not super-fancy but they are definitely affordable and often cuter/weirder than department stores. http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/categories/departments/bedroom/10680/

log lady

@AniaGosia I have target sheets that I LOVE. They're called Room Essentials Ultra Soft sheets and they come separately, which means you can leave out the flat sheet if you like or double up on pillowcases. They're near impossible to find online but they're at pretty much every target physical location ever. I know it sounds crazy that 25 threadcount sheets would be so soft but they really are heavenly.


@AniaGosia And try any stores like TJ Maxx, Marshalls, HomeGoods.
I actually bought a set of sheets from Target that have been quite soft and not pill-y. And finally, I know this is like maybe the grossest thing, but thrift stores. I bought a sheet at a thrift store just because I loved the print so much. It was summarily washed and disinfected, and it is sooooooooo soft, almost silky-feeling. Just be sure to check for any squicky stains.

Judith Slutler

@phlox Seconded, IKEA is great for textiles in general.


@ginalouise I'm sorry if that is the grossest thing anyone has ever heard. I'm really clean, I promise. I make my bed every morning.


@AniaGosia I recommend Ikea too. I bought a duvet cover and pillow cases. At first I found them super scratchy and uncomfortable, but after washing them several times in extra hot water with fabric softener they are soft and lovely, and the pattern is really nice as well.

Party Falcon

@ginalouise Actually, that's kind of a great idea and not gross at all. They're all lovely and pre-washed/worn/smooth, which is the best kind of sheet!


@phlox Yes! All of my sheets/duvet covers are Ikea, and they're great. They last forever and get softer/nicer the more you wash them.


@AniaGosia Target's organic cotton sheets are pretty rad. They're not like, Ikea cheap, but for the money they feel like a a MUCH higher end product. Ikea's are also good for the super low price point, actually. I have a duvet cover and shams from there that I LOVE.

Also I LOVE Ikea's pillows. So affordable but actually super nice and you get to pick your firmness/fluffyness.


@AniaGosia Do they have Winners in the states? It's kind of like Overstock, but a brick and mortar store. It's a great place to find surprisingly good quality linens.

The sheets I got at Overstock were a disappointment. They were supposed to be 600 thread count, but they got rough with use and shrunk like crazy when I dried them on medium heat.

Carrie Ann

@AniaGosia I've had good luck with sheets from Kohl's, and they're basically always on some sort of sale (which you will know if you've ever been to Kohl's). If they say 100% cotton (I prefer Egyptian - no idea why), and they feel nice, with a thread count in the 300-range, you should pick them up.


@Carrie Ann @all Thanks for the suggestions! Alas, the closest Ikea is an hour and a half along mostly toll roads, so I rarely go. I think I'll try the Target sheets - good to know that they get soft quickly. I also love the see your own duvet cover idea!

All Mimsy

I'll second Ikea and thrift stores. I've had two sets of duvet covers from Ikea, and they are so soft and smooth, almost silky. Also in the "nice" Goodwill in down town Portland, maybe four years ago, I found a set of unopened Pottery Barn sheets. Those are the best set of sheets in our house. I've used them constantly since then, and they are still perfect.


@ginalouise As long as you're not buying used bike shorts.


@AniaGosia I have three sets of 1000-1200TC from Overstock. I LOVE them. The more I wash, the better they get. I would spend 100% of my day in bed if I could, so these sheets have some miles on them.


Okay, I have a question! I bought a seriously awesome thick wool traders blanket back when I had a cat, and despite no longer having a cat for the past year, this thing is covered in cat hair. I'm scared to wash it even on cold because it's wool and expensive and there are pink areas and dark areas that could bleed. Plus I have no idea how to dry the thing. I could dry clean it but I feel like they'd do nothing for the cat hair. HALP!

Party Falcon

@parallel-lines Oh, this calls for ADVANCED Clean Person skills. Someone activate the Bleachie Signal!

Jolie! A Blanket in in danger, we need your help!


@parallel-lines This might be a time for dry-cleaning? It'll probably cost a bunch, but since you'd only do it very rarely, probably worth it?


@parallel-lines I've heard of adding vinegar to the wash water of non-colour fast items to prevent bleeding, and it should be fine for wool. (is there anything vinegar can't do?!)


@parallel-lines Pendleton Wollen Mills has this handy guide to caring for their products.


@MilesofMountains Washing jeans with salt will set the indigo dye, but I'm not sure if that is universal. Also, in testing dye, my mum always over saturated a small area of the dark color (just until the water puddles on top after sitting a minute) and then set that bit in a bowl, not quite touching the bottom. This lets the water drip through. If you're really concerned mixing a bit of your chosen detergent (but it's totally worth it to invest in something like Woolite or other designed to handle dye sensitive fabrics detergent) with the water is a good idea when you let it sit. If the water drips out icky, try one of those Shout sheets?


@cornflowerblues Yes, the salt works really well for reds. Salt and vinegar in the fabric softener bit so it adds it at the end.

Wool is really, really ok to wash. I assume it's already a felted/boiled wool blanket, so you can't even felt it. Just wash it on cold and dry it on cool, or hang it to dry - just make sure it's hanging even, because if one side is lower than the other it might weigh it down and stretch. But seriously, wool blankets are pretty hardy. If you're really nervous, you could hand wash it in a bath tub - fill the tub with cool or cold water and some wool wash or shampoo, let the blanket soak for a half hour, swoosh it around for a bit, drain. Repeat if necessary. You don't need much to clean it, seriously, I promise.

I'd probably run something over it to try to get some of the hair out before I laundered it, though, otherwise it might just sort of get absorbed in. Fed ex packet, or maybe even vaccuum it with an upholstery attachment? You can also get blankets drycleaned, although I dislike that because it makes me itch, but that's an option. Or there might be a laundry service near you that specialises in bedding - quilts and blankets, etc. That's totally a real thing!


"Communists invaded my fun box".

I am keeping this.


And maybe cross-stitching it on a pillow so The Boyfriend knows when to ply me with tea and also gentle hugs.

Party Falcon

@OxfordComma A pattern for you. Flowers, hearts and/or decorative tampon images up to you.


@Party Falcon I cannot thank you enough.




@Party Falcon This cannot have enough thumbs up.

Lee Van Queef

@Party Falcon Oh my word! I wish I knew how to cross-stitch, eeeee!


@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas

ME TOO. But if someone out there has the skills, and oh, I don't know, happens to open an Etsy shop... I'm just sayin', you'd sell at least one of them. To me.

Party Falcon

@OxfordComma You would have loved me more had I remembered the oxford comma in my post. :( Then again, would you use an oxford comma with an and/or?


@Party Falcon : Yes, but only for further clarification.

It's not a necessity as it is in the standard, "We invited the strippers, JFK and Stalin." :)


"Beth! Beth! If you're going into town can you pick me up something at the drugstore? Beth, come on, my husband is coming today and I need some lube…for my pussy."


@whizz_dumb OMG my bestie and I quote this all time YES



I think I am converted. For life. I feel more accomplished about this than pretty much anything else I got done this month.


@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher ME too! although today I was running late so I did the grab-top-of-bedding-yank-it-all-into-place-sloppily move. That's still more than I used to do.


@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher ME TOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE BEDMAKING DEITIES!!!!!!!!!!!


@whizz_dumb STILL COUNTS

sugar cubism

Also: I may not understand how much lube you choose to use, but I will defend to the death your right to use tons o' lube. TONS.


Forgive my ignorance, but... meat tenderizer jokes? Quaaaaaaa?


One time I had period sex in the shower and unknowingly rubbed a lot of skin off my knee. Resulted in a big puss-oozing scab and, one year later, a dark purple scar.
To be honest it is pretty cute.
But be careful, you guys! Wet skin just sloughs right the fuck off!


@Inkcrafter That is just terrifying


@Inkcrafter Oh man, now I'm going to be paranoid about my skin sloughing off whenever we do it in the shower.


The person on top should definitely kneel on washcloths. I didn't feel it until afterwards, as it began dramatically bleeding and pussing.

This is my new username

@Inkcrafter ugghh, yes this maybe also happened to me once (twice).


Those brown stains on your pillow are definitely drool. Don't ask how I know.


@Megan Patterson@facebook Yep. How does one not realize that?


@acookieaday Even if you don't think you drool in your sleep, you totally do.


@Megan Patterson@facebook But how does it turn brown, is my question. Being essentially a child, I think "Spit is clear, therefore the stain wil lbe INVISIBLE"...it must OXIDIZE or something WHAAAT.


@martinipie I think it mixes with dirt/hair oils? People are disgusting, OK?


@Megan Patterson@facebook Although some of them are if you go to bed with wet hair. It leaves watermarks on the pillow.


Oh, my husband has one of those fleece blankes with the weird woven edges! I actually kind of hate it because I hate the way its fringes feel on my face (and it has this horrible flame pattern on it), but his mom made it and he loves it.

Making the bed month has actually helped me ignore it more, because it gets on my face less when it's neatly lined up on his side of the bed, and the bed looks so much prettier when the lovely duvet cover is showing and not the crumpled-up fire blanket.


Love, love, love Jolie. Healthy appreciation for all libidos and moisture levels for all! Preach it!

I've been steadfastly refusing to make my bed my whole life until this month, so you know it must be true love now that I'm doing it every day.


I have thoroughly enjoyed March Madness on here (I luh you, Jolie!!!), but I'm really stoked to hear about non-bed related Clean Person things.

Judith Slutler

@meganmaria Me too! I have a question in... a vitally important one.



Do not clean your sheets with carburetor cleaner, that is such a bad idea. For serious:


That is the MSDS. Please note what it says about exposure.

disregarding all of the, "wow, that's really toxic!", please note that it's also highly flammable and as such a bad idea to put anything treated with it into your clothes dryer. Yes, it's only a spot treatment, but it doesn't exactly wash out completely (yay, naphthalene!), and better safe than sorry, yes?

(This message brought to you by being a chemist and watching my father set carburetor cleaner on fire for years.)


Gentleman Caller gets out of bed after I do. This morning, when I went to go make the bed after he was up, he had already made it! He was so proud! Bed making is catching!

Does Axl have a jack?

Umm...if we're returning to previous AaCP topics, remember the Lysol-obsessed coworker that I mentioned when we were getting rid of our coworkers? The one that I thought we had gotten through to? Yeah, the Lysol can and the accompanying cloud of stench returned today. Does anyone have any ideas (preferably immature and humorous) as to how to deal with this, since just asking her nicely to stop doesn't work?


@armyofskanks Is there an authority figure who can ask her to stop?



Puncturing the can and lighting it on fire, leaving the flaming carcass of foul-smelling awfulness sitting on her desk as a reminder of the plume of stench it leaves behind.

Does Axl have a jack?

@Ophelia Alas, the only person who would take the complaint seriously and actually do something about it is no longer in a position to do so.
@liznieve Hmm...that is a good concept...how about taking it downstairs, letting a bus run over it, and taking pictures?


@armyofskanks Write a fake newspaper article about the dangers of Lysol. Say it causes things like REO Speedlung. Post it all around the office.


@suddenvalley Make a copy of the label, and print it out on sticker paper. Stick the sticker paper label over a can of shaving cream. Substitute cans. Repeat next week with silly string. Possibly upgrade to paint.

Also perhaps get a thingy of orange power spray or something less offensive (I am weird about scents but I like laundry sprays for room fresheners, they're not too over the top. I have a real nice one I bought from etsy but you could try a bed and bath store). That way, when she silly strings, she can use something else instead and maybe get over the lysol.

Does Axl have a jack?

@Craftastrophies Y'all are cracking me up! REO Speedlung and silly string...so great. I was also considering posting several of the many studies showing that the toilet seat in even the nastiest bathroom is cleaner than most of the things you touch in a day. But then she might start spraying the whole office with Lysol.

hamster baby


Porn Peddler

Alright I might be boiling over with exhaustion from a week of night shifts on top of All The PMS But

1. I want to be able to not use lube ever. I am jealous of that shit, alright?
2. I want to never, ever be asked again by a tearful lady, "Why does it hurt so much when he shoves it in/comes inside me/WHY DOES IT FEEL SO RAW/ugh really lube is so gross/takes too long/ew/you mean I have to buy lube/I am a lady I do not buy things like that/how did you know I don't use lube as soon as I asked you why X happens

*flips desk over, storms out in a rage*

Party Falcon

@Third Wave Housewife

1. Yes. Especially when you used to not have to and now do and are even jealous of your old self. 30 is not old, damn it. Having to use lube should not make one's small unhappy headvoice say things like "Oh, poor age-d, dried up pussy". AND having to find/apply/whatever takes a huge bite out of the awesomeness of the married, condom-free lifestyle.

2. Oh honey. You're providing a service, a valuable, if infuriating, service. Thank you.

Porn Peddler

@Party Falcon I can't believe how annoyed/pissed/frustrated I am about this. My services are my life purpose, so thank YOU!

The use of lube NEEDS TO BE DESTIGMATIZED AND NORMALIZED. It is SO USEFUL for SO MANY THINGS, SOLVES SO MANY PROBLEMS. And so many women feel SO BAD about using it and think it makes them weird/gross/frigid/whatever to own/use lube. SO MANY WOMEN think well penetration doesn't have to be painless right (IT CAN BE, YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE SUFFER THROUGH ANYTHING TO GET TO THE GOOD SHIT) LUBE FOR EVERYONE, EVEN FOR "JUST IN CASE," AND FOR ANAL IF YOU DO THAT.

I'm going to go make a burrito and eat it in a state of white hot rage. Just rage over a burrito and a book for the next hour because oh my god, I can't even. I refuse to believe this state of affairs.


@Third Wave Housewife
As someone who made my (younger) sister pick up my tampons for me all through high school because I was too shy (I know), I did not use lube at first for similar reasons. But then my Mister got some and holy shit, duh. DUH. Now I will happily buy it. (especially at the cool feminist sex shop where they have a poster comparing the different types). So, yeah. Lube it up, everyone.

Porn Peddler

@lue Even if you have a magical vagina that creates exactly the right amount of wetness to make everything all sorts of perfect every single time, at exactly the right time...keep lube around, please. Just in case.

Porn Peddler

aaaaand there's my period, which could not have waited til tomorrow morning so I could have sleepy carefree pre-bedtime sexytimes with mister (with minimal cleanup) after barely seeing him and not sleeping next to him for a week, FUCK YOU UTERUS


@Third Wave Housewife "Just rage over a burrito" -The autobiography of Hambulance

Fat Apollo

@Third Wave Housewife But but but what about when you use so much lube and everything seems to going fine and then he tries to go all the way in and then AGH holy hell why does it hurt so much?? My doctor gave me some lidocaine and told me to numb my shit up before we do it, but if just made my junk burn and his junk numb. :(((((


@Third Wave Housewife I have this magical vagina, but we still have lube because it is handy for all kinds of things (um) and also sometimes magic takes a day off, you know? I endorse lube, with you.

Can I just say. I didn't get any sexing last week because I had my wisdom teeth out and I felt like shit and any time I started to enjoy myself I would move my mouth and hurt myself. And now I am on antibiotics that have fucked with my ph and my lady area is just... tender and sensitive and uncomfortable and doesn't want to be touched, AND I have my period, and my tooth still hurts and dear good all I want is a good hard fucking orgasm. BUT NO. I can do NONE of the fun things. I realise it's only two weeks, but I only see my sweetie on weekends so this is it until EASTER. I am bitter. And really horny. And cranky. My uterus is an angry punk rock chick with clompy boots and spikey hair and safety pins on her jacket, and I am just not happy about any of it.

(Solidarity period hugs, Third Wavie. Except not in a gross way.)


@Fat Apollo Ask your doc or gyno for a recommendation to a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic floor issues, pronto! They will help you not have the pain rather than mask it. Changed my life.

Porn Peddler

@Fat Apollo You should break up with your doctor immediately. You should in fact punch said doctor in the face first.

Yes to a doctor specializing in pelvic floor issues, yes to punching your doctor in the face, and from your comment I can't tell but are we talking about a boy with a particularly large penis? If so, it need not get friendly with you cervix...just sayin, that shit is no fun.

@Craftastrophies this period is shaping up to be horrible and it has only been 24 hours. It is like...real bad. Wow.


I forgot to comment on the last post, but duuuude, have sex standing up in the bathroom, not necessarily in the shower! I hate shower sex at my boyfriend's apartment (and he is the one without roommates; I hold a strict No Sex in a Shared Bathroom policy) because his bathroom has a weirdly small shower (it's a bathtub shower but I could not bathe in it comfortably, let alone a Very Tall Man). But last period we boned against the wall and it was awesome! I like it standing up best because I am firmly a G-spot lady, and there were only 3 drops of blood on the floor, and it's tile so who cares! And then when I inevitably had to pee afterwards, the toilet was right there. Only downside- there is some painting in there that his grandma gave him that makes him weirdly nostalgic? One of the many upsides: MIRRORS (he likes to watch himself have sex and I get curious about what I look like making out).


That thing about the painting is so--! I love it. I want to write a little poem about it. What is it a painting of?
That's really nice that he's not self-conscious :) It would be tricky if you were both very fascinated by your reflections, trying to peek at the mirror in turns and not catch each other's eye.


So, I entered the month determined to make my bed each day. It gradually evolved into usually making the bed right before going to sleep, but it totally got me in the habit. This also taught me that, really, it takes hardly any time.

Thank you, Jolie!! Your challenge changed some habits in this one. :-)


This month inspired some crafty cheaty laziness in me. I made a slightly-too-small cover for my body pillow in cute fabric so now instead of looking lumpy and pathetic and making me feel lumpy and pathetic, it looks firm and decorative and intentional. BUT THE POINT IS I can just pull up the duvet and throw down my huge cute pillow and not have to arrange anything (sheets/pillows/top of bed stuff) at all.


I took to my bed after reading this post, happy and proud to be quoted! It was the best nap I've taking in a long time. Thank you, Hairpin.


Period cunnilingus please older men where are you

the angry little raincloud

@angelinha It really is an amazing thing. And extremely, extremely rare. (I just broke up with the only such man I have ever encountered. I am very, very, very sad.)


@angelinha I wish I liked period cunnilingus.

the angry little raincloud

I'd really like to be Jolie when I grow up. A Clean Person who reminds us all to embrace our own personal sex drive and cares about vaginal dryness. There is probably nothing this woman cannot do. Jolie, will you please write a book about how to be you? I'd pre-order that shit.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

Guys, Jolie saw my comment! She linked to my comment! Even though it is absolutely not about being clean, just about... my orgasms. Yeah.

Is this what little girls feel like when the Biebs makes eye contact with them at a concert for a tenth of a second? I feel so cool right now.


My bed is made right now! I like making it, although don't most mornings (I'm sorry!) because one of my parents normally lets the cats into my room while I'm still in bed, and they get very cross if I try to remove them to neaten everything up. But when I get the chance, I swoop in and make it and it is excellent.

Very late, but re. Jolie's question about fitted sheets that aren't elasticised all the way round in one of the linked posts: I live in the UK and have only ever had fitted sheets that are just elasticised at the corners.


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