+ 100 The bus driver who was utterly unperturbed when one of the front tires exploded immediately after we stepped onto the bus. (It's unclear if the combined six pieces of cake we consumed that night were the last straw.) “Well this bus ain't goin' nowhere,” he said .
+ 81 The guy next to Julie on the train who jostled her and yelled “BOO” to scare away her hiccups. When it worked, he giggled with delight and wished us a “happy, hiccup-free afternoon.”
+ 77 The deodorant zealot who gave us a totally unsolicited review of her favorite natural deodorant in an aisle at Whole Foods, which kept her odor-free through “both a long day at the office and an African safari.”
+ 69 The British man we met on Halloween night who, upon learning our costumes were Kate Bush and a Dalek, asked if we were going as Anglophiles.
+ 55 The kids who chased us down the street to tell Julie she looked like their science teacher.
+ 43 The acid-tripping teen who beat the ceiling of the subway tunnel with a 7-foot piece of PVC pipe, declaring to any and all passersby: “You can't pass the motherfucking pole!” We passed it.
+ 20 The guy who approached us at the bus stop, gave Nathalie the ol' up-down and said, “You're so beautiful, especially from behind." She blushed and stuttered that she had a boyfriend. "Man, I wanna shake that dude's hand! And tell him that he should put you in handcuffs and never let you go."
0 Ho, the former occupant of our apartment, who showed up three days after we moved in to reclaim the hair dryer he left in the bathroom and stayed for half an hour, telling us boring stories about how he chose his LSAT test site based on acoustics, then asked for our phone numbers because we seemed like “fun girls.”
-10 The drunk man waiting next to Julie at the bus stop who told her “if I was a girl, I wouldn't wear my hair like that.”
- 46 This guy.
- 72 The middle-aged man who, completely shellacked at 7:30 p.m. on a Thursday, lit a cigarette in our favorite taqueria and danced in front of a booth, taunting us: “You can't sit down!” Angry at being asked to go smoke outside, he threw his taco at the wall.
- ∞ The train masturbator who held his t-shirt in his teeth and his dick in his t-shirt. The methodical rubbing did not break rhythm when we made eye contact, nor, presumably, when we fled the car.
Nathalie Rayter has been asked for her phone number by two different Hilton bellboys while riding the El. Julie Beck pretends to be asleep on the train to avoid such encounters.
OH my GOD, that poetry guy. I don't know if -46 is strong enough.
@thebestjasmine "It was hard to tell at first that it was intentional, and once that became clear, it was hard to tell what the intention was."
I feel that way about so much performance art.
Oh, and good! They did that on my birthday. Happy birthday to me.
@thebestjasmine I catered the opening of the Poetry Foundation and I can assure you, the $300,000 estimate for the price of those floors may be low. When we were there, the floors weren't sealed yet, and any spillage of wine would have cost them thousands of dollars in re-flooring and/or cleaning. OBVIOUSLY we accidentally spilled wine. Of course, if they never told us not too, it wouldn't have spilled a damn thing.
@thebestjasmine OH MY GOD I know Brooks! At least, he's an acquaintance. A friend of a friends. Former neighbor. I may or may not have reluctantly bought him a beer when he asked me to buy him a beer. Nothing in that article is shocking.
@whizz_dumb Blarg. This guy would be the kind of person to ask another person to buy them a beer. In fact, that's a pretty great description of a certain kind of person.
Okay maybe the "plastic pig nose" part is slightly shocking. I've divulged too much.
@thebestjasmine Yeah... I was at the Zurita reading and it was completely unclear what was going on, but the Poetry Foundation people were pissed and Zurita was having none of it. Whatever point they were trying to make was lost in the general sense that he was disrespecting a poet who had just read deeply moving, grief-stricken poetry about serious social and political ills. And, you know, torture.
@figwiggin I am a 35 years old CEO, ri;ch and strong but still sin;gle ... now I am see;king a good woman who can give me a real love, so I joined BillionaireFriends.COMit's the first and best club for wealthy people and their adm;irers. Well, you don’t have to be rich ,but you can meet one there.
@figwiggin Better watch out. Joewhite wants to make you his sugar baby.
@The Kendragon He's going to have to put me in handcuffs and never let me go!
I didn't know Edith had gone on an African safari. I keed, I keed.
@area@twitter Edith, stop talking to strangers in Whole Foods!! They might write about you later on your own website!!
Er...I'd much prefer an encounter with Mr. -46, ridiculous and pompous as he is, than Mr. +20...
@wee_ramekin Yeah, that's creepy to me! When strangers approach me on the street to make comments about my body, I just feel like I have to spend the rest of my trip home looking over my shoulder to make sure they're not following me.
That poetry dude is probably still worse, though.
@wee_ramekin What is it with guys doing that? How many women have actually gone home with creepy guys on the street who give them strange compliments? Handcuffs, really? I think he's about equal to poetry guy.
@dtowngirl Seriously! What woman is responding positively to this shit? I once had a strange guy call me a bitch, tell me that I looked stuck up, and then proposition me for a date wherein he promised to "make me understand his point of view".
*shudder*
@wee_ramekin Full agreement here. The Poetry Foundation response about the $300,000 floors is ridiculously bourgeois and their prosecuting her after not just letting her leave is stupid. Sure, the antics of these two sound crazy, but so what? It's like Prudence says about having awful guests at a wedding - at least it gives folks something to talk about.
@no way Ridiculously bourgeois is the most hilarious insult I've ever heard. Oh no, don't tell people to throw glasses on the brand new wood floor and spill wine everywhere, if you do that you'll be sooooo bourgeois!
@merg I see no evidence to support the hypothesis that Poetry Dude would not be Handcuffs Dude in another time and/or place. Negatives all around!
@thebestjasmine "empty plastic wine cup"
although, if LornaLoo was at the same event, and the floors were in fact not yet sealed, I can understand them needing to take precautions to keep them in good condition. But telling people how much they cost? That is a ridiculous and bourgeois approach.
@no way Yes, because we should pretend that everything is free, and so destruction of it is totally cool?
@thebestjasmine No, because how much something costs is irrelevant to how much it should be respected.
@no way Should be, yes. We don't live in a should be world. Though it apparently didn't make any difference for these people, who had no respect for a damn thing.
@no way Yeah, pretty much. It's not okay to fuck up someone else's $3,000 floors, either.
@no way This event did not happen at the event I catered, we were at a private, invite only, plated dinner, and the guests were also aware of the unsealed floor issue.
@LornaLoo I cannot speak to whether or not they have been sealed since then, but I do assume that they were sealed shortly after our private event.
@thebestjasmine Saying something like, 'Please respect the new home of the Poetry Foundation' would have done a lot more to diffuse the situation than saying essentially, this floor is extremely expensive. The implication in a remark like that is that the expensive floor is more important than seeing an old friend. As the Chicago Reader put it, those words were fuel on a fire.
These two were not kicked out/arrested for their ridiculous greeting, but for what happened after the woman called out the price of the floor. Maybe they would have been disruptive either way. As I said above, who cares?
@no way I generally care when someone is a disruptive and disrespectful asshole, but I guess there are people out there who don't care about that. Which is why we have disruptive and disrespectful assholes out there.
@wee_ramekin Even worse if they say "Ridic bougie"
@wee_ramekin Mr. -46 reminds me of the dumbass students at my university who are undermining all the valid protests that are happening with their dumb fuckery
Once, someone saw me knitting on the El and folded an origami dragon in response, which he gave me at the end of his trip.
Which is to say, my experiences with public transit dudes are decidedly more benign. I am so, so sorry.
@hopelessshade In my head, this is like a dance-off but with crafts. Everyone has on their game face and keeps throwing their elbows out for flare.
@OhShesArtsy Though we were sitting next to each other, neither of us initiated eye contact until we were nearing the end of his trip. So, it was less a craft-off and more a silent introvert-off, or something.
@hopelessshade one time when i was riding the bus i sat next to a guy who wrote messages to me on a piece of paper. it was pretty benign, albeit unconventional...
@hopelessshade Ahhhhhhh cutest meet-cute. I want to make this into a charming low-budget romantic comedy.
@hopelessshade I once was crying on the T (my boyfriend had broken up with me, no shame) and the woman next to me gave me a tissue so I wouldn't need to use my tank top! She also gave me a pamphlet about Jesus, but I let that one slide.
@Nutmeg: You should have wiped your nose with the pamphlet. Haw!
@figwiggin Amelie! (Kind of)
@hopelessshade That's one of the best stories I've ever heard ever, about anything.
I am going to start rating strangers from now on. I may even tell them.
"Hi! Would you like to support homeless amoebas with syphilis? It will only cost you $75 a day! Here's a pamphlet!!"
"You are definitely around a +2 right now. Only because I kind of like amoebas."
@OhShesArtsy Oh yeah, you like them until they invade your brain via neti pot and/or showering with your contacts in. Those amoebas are on their own.
@GoToaster OH GOD. I HAD MANAGED TO BLOCK THAT OUT.
Now I will return to thinking every headache must be brain amoebas even though I don't wear contacts or use a netti pot.
Most CTA bus drivers I have ever encountered are at least a +80 in my book. They are so nice!
-62 to the elederly woman on the bus who was so impatient with traffic that she loudly yelled repeatedly, "jeSUS christ! why aren't we moving?!?" "oh my GOD, get moving for chissakes!" "jeeeeeeSUS. this is the slowest goddamn bus I have ever ridden in my LIFE." (And, to the young woman standing in the aisle with her back turned to a newly vacated seat: "SIT DOWN for chrissakes!!! Jesus!")
@olivebee Hahaaa, she sounds like a +62 to me. JeSUSS!
@LolaLaBalc At first it was funny! But then after 1 hr and 15 min of it (fourth of july traffic), I wanted to punch her. Although I do walk around my house yelling "jeSUS christ!" at mildly irritating things, so I guess that came of it.
@olivebee except for the one who ran a red light and hit me while i was riding my bike :( :( :(
often nice people, but also push yellow lights to the extreme
@olivebee -100 for the woman who interrupted my conversation with my boyfriend to ask him how he could stand being around me.
+100 for the guy who got on the train with a mini-amp and started playing instrumental Kenny G songs at a respectful volume.
@roadtrips WHAT. okay I'm gonna give that lady a +10 for ridiculous audacity though. i mean, she provided you the opportunity to tell a hilarious story on the internet. so can we bring that score up to -90?
wow. Some people. wow.
@dotcommie Oh no! I hope you are okay! Yeah I have had some near run-ins while riding my bike. It's probably really hard to see a cyclist along the side of a massive vehicle like a bus, but that doesn't excuse red lights. Taxi drivers are the absolute worst, though. It's like traffic laws, lights, stop signs, turn signals, et al. don't even exist!
@roadtrips Respectful volume is key on public transit, for sure. Also, that woman deserves to narrowly miss every single bus and train for the rest of her life, forcing her to sprint to catch it, miss it, and then wait 15 min or longer for the next one. I would normally think of something much more harmful, but since we are talking about public transit, I figured her hypothetical punishment should fit the theme.
@olivebee Oh god, this is how the 3-year-old I babysit sometimes sounds when I'm driving. "Why aren't we MOVING? JUST GO!" (Less swearing. Also, he doesn't really understand what traffic is, so he's still a +100 in my book.)
@olivebee I was on crutches for a few weeks during my time in Chicago, and I remember a CTA driver who a) made a point of stopping so the front door was directly in front of me and b) refused to start moving until somebody gave up their seat for me. "This bus ain't goin' nowhere till somebody gives this young lady a seat. She's on CRUTCHES, people, c'mon!" It was awesome.
Taco Guy ain't care.
@Too Much Internet Gotta say, kinda like Taco Guy's swagger. And the way he throws tacos.
+15 to those dudes who opened a nominal used book shop down the street which is, in actuality, a curious mix of 30% books, 20% DVDs, and 50% handbags. (Including a WWII Swiss artillery bag that was $35, otherwise I would have bought it.) They ate pizza on the counter and ignored customers.
@figwiggin Buy that bag and I will buy it from you for $45!
@vanillawaif Really? I'll walk down there and see if they still have it. If they do, I'm happy to send it to you for what they're charging plus shipping!
@figwiggin I was serious, but then when I told my dude I maybe was going to give him a surprise from the internet, he thanked me for the thought but said he doesn't need another bag. You are a kind soul, though, and if you mention any other goods that you see while out and about, I will maybe take you up on that in the future! ;)
@vanillawaif Whaaaaaat everybody needs another bag. Pshhhh. No worries, anyway! I'll keep a vague eye out for interesting stuff and let you know! (Hairpin tag sale?)
@figwiggin that bag sounds awesome! Is it big? See how you've suddenly been turned into a World War II Swedish artillery bag vendor?
@slamber Swiss! But yes, I love it. If I remember correctly, it's like the size of a big camera bag? (Bigger than a breadbox?) Rectangular, maybe like 16" x 11" x 8"? I could be way off, I'm terrible at estimating sizes. I don't think it had any internal compartments or anything, but I was of a mind to use it for camera stuff until I remembered I already have a camera bag and I don't need to feed my hoarder tendencies.
@figwiggin Okay, so I tried to Google "WWII Swiss artillery bag" to see if maybe I needed this, and ended up on the "Swiss Military" page in Wikipedia. Best EVER:
Military of Switzerland
Not to be confused with Swiss Guard.
"Swiss Army" redirects here. For the multi-function pocket knife, see Swiss Army knife.
@Xanthophyllippa Hahahaha. When I went to Switzerland the tourist shops DEFINITELY sold all varieties of the knife. Good to know they profit off the association instead of just staring tiredly at the four millionth tourist who thinks they're funny.
@figwiggin just a wee thought but Switzerland was neutral in WWII.
@Xanthophyllippa The Swiss Guard are the best. The Pope's bodyguards, in joker's outfits! They could repel any would-be assassins with hilarity
@Heike Though my husband points out they would still have had stuff in the 1930s/40s but it couldn't really be designated 'WWII', just 'of WWII era'.
That was about the most interesting conversation my husband and I had this morning.
@figwiggin Sounds like a perfect bag for an iPad.
@Heike Good point! I'm just going off what the tag said, I know jackall about WWII. It's some sort of vintage military bag, anyhow.
Taco guy sounds like a +500 in my books.
(...Not really.)
@jacqueline Hilarious to hear about, not so much to actually be around. Like Bernard from Black Books. (It allllll comes back to Black Books.)
@jacqueline Black Books!! I watched all of it a few weeks ago. SO good! (Is it bad that I am super attracted to him, like I would do him, but I know logically that I would never have any sort of relationship w/ him irl?!)
@JaneDoe Not bad! I think about it sometimes, but then I remember that he willingly eats cheese off of someone's shoe and probably doesn't shower very often.
omg, enjoying strangers is one of my most favorite hobbies. thank you for giving it a name.
Don't be such a tease! What's the deodorant?
@MatildaGold Seriously! I feel like I'm on an African Safari everyday.
I'm in love with the image that accompanies this post. And this post.
I wouldn't mind a NYC encounter with strangers that hovered anyone around 0, because most of them are far, far below that. That means you, dude who pooped his pants on the train yesterday. And you, chronic starer who keeps itching his crotch. And especially you, dude who play "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" on sax over and over and over again until someone gives him money to leave.
@parallel-lines Better than the dude who used to ride the L train with a tin-foil hat, blaaarrrring into his trumpet and saying "I'LL STOP IF YA GIVE ME MONEY! I AM FROM THE PLANET ZEBULOOOON!"
@liznieve Zebulon dude made me lolalot.
@parallel-lines word. I moved to chicago from brooklyn and my encounters with strangers here are at least 75% more positive. Although about 40% less interesting, so I kind of miss it.
@parallel-lines Oddly, my encounters with strangers in NYC are almost always positive. I expected it to vary a lot more when I moved here, but I've been pleasantly surprised.
@pssshwhatever Same here. I've never lived in NYC, but I can't think of a bad encounter I had with strangers there. They've been surprisingly fun, in fact. I wonder if that would hold up if I lived there.
Are there pictures of that Halloween? It sounds amaaazing. Ho was right, you do sound like fun girls!
I'm realllllly confused about infinity masturbator. Shirt in teeth but his dick is in his shirt? Am I misreading this? And now we're talking about him which he probably wanted...... dear scot, it's a masturbation infinity loop.
@Crockita I was likewise puzzled, but finally decided he was holding his shirt in his teeth to keep it pulled away from his body, but it was a long-enough shirt that his business was hidden under the hem of it also?
@vanillawaif thank you for the clarification. i'm now going to watch that video of the lady in the nyc metro calling out a masturbater and getting him arrested.
I'm pleasantly surprised this didn't go much further into negative territory. Give respect for the Chicago general public.
@whizz_dumb Truth. I generally find Chicagoans more pleasant than dwellers of other big cities I have lived in/been to (with a strong emphasis on generally). Then again, a stranger approached my husband under an El stop, punched him in the face, and ran away, so....
@olivebee Yes, very generally. My friend got pelted with eggs by a bunch of 12 year-olds in Roger's Park. There's an odd number of people who smell like all the urine in the world condensed into 2 articles of clothing. Exceptions, outliers.
@whizz_dumb Did your friend tell that egg story on stage at the Morseland with 2nd Story at some point? Because I remember seeing that. It's a good story!
@whizz_dumb there's also that special place on the train car in the back that I like to call the 'pee-pod'. Don't go stand in the pee-pod; you'll regret it as the stench of a thousand litterboxes engulfs you.
Nearly every one of my females friends who regularly takes the cta (and myself) has been masturbated to on the train. It's sooooooo gross and traumatizing! That being said, my train rides to and from work are either the most entertaining or least pleasant parts of my day. So many crazies! But sometimes TOO many crazies.
@matisse To counter that awful anecdote, I have a super cute one! On Valentine's day, the train was super crowded and a young woman gave her seat to an older gentleman. When he sat down, it turns out the person he was sitting next to was a friend he hadn't seen in years! He then spent his ride alternatively catching up with his friend and thanking the woman from the bottom of his heart.
@matisse Love that story! So sweet. And also makes sense...I weirdly see people I know all the time on the CTA (and not people that I live or work near, either).
As for the numerous crazies...I am a huge proponent of mental health advocacy and I hate when people make fun of those with mental illness (and I don't mean you, btw....I know that's not what you were doing). However, sometimes it is REALLY alarming to be near them on the CTA. I was riding the 22 bus through Wrigleyville, and a bunch of kids got on with their parents after a game. This woman who was obviously suffering from schizophrenia was shouting the most vile, awful, horrible things really loudly and cursing wildly (which I've seen many times before on the CTA), but she was doing AT THE CHILDREN. She was hissing at little kids that they are little shits who should die in a fiery pit of flames and that they are the equivalent of the devil's shit. She also called a young black boy the n-word and told him to die. It was so sad to see these kids look horrified and confused and burst into tears.
@matisse Been there, unfortunately. Especially when you have to spend 1.5 hours on the blue line. Also the people who next/near you when there's plenty of empty seats? Worst nightmare.
@olivebee Oh man I was also going to say that I too see people I know ALL THE TIME. You think because it's a big city the chances are small, but I'd say I see someone once a week and I don't know that many people.
@olivebee oh my goodness, that's absolutely horrific! I agree it is disconcerting to be in such close space in situations like those. And yes, I should have been more careful with my wording!
@mackymoo the one thing I hate worse than people not moving when there are empty seats is when there is a free seats and someone's blocking it. So annoying!
@matisse No, no, you didn't say anything wrong! Crazies can definitely mean the people who have their full mental faculties and yet still do weird and/or horrible shit to the people around them. (Like everyone from that "Amusingly Horrible Things Strangers Have Said to Me" post from a few months ago).
@matisse i have lived here for 7 years and take CTA every day and have never witnessed any jerkin'...either i'm lucky, or lucky to be oblivious.
Pink Line is remarkably free of crazy people! Though I did see a dude just straight-up spit on the wall this morning...
@dotcommie Yeah, I've taken the CTA and lots of subway and bus rides in various other cities and never have I see someone jerking off. Is this because I'm a dude and public transport masturbators don't jerk it in front of dudes? Or have I just been lucky?
@olivebee So true, I have definitely seen/overheard people who should know better say and do some awful things to strangers.
@dotcommie lucky!
@josiah I have a friend who goes to UIC med school and she loooves the pink line. I'm so jealous, I more often than not have an awful time on the red line.
@I'm Not Rufus I've heard public masturbation stories from my female friens but none from any male friends. Maybe Chicago perverts are discriminating?
@dotcommie I have a feeling that I would never notice the public masturbation. Which is a disturbing feeling.
@matisse My fiance has never seen anyone masturbate in public, and I ... have. euughhghgklsdhf;lah the worst. I think women are just more aware of what creepy men in their vicinity are doing, since we sort of have to be on guard for that shit. I'd imagine men aren't taking a count of where the creeps are and what sort of creepy-ass look they have in their eyes quite like the ladies are.
I must have been too busy solving the poetry scavenger hunt to notice this pair when I attended the opening.
Is it weird that I've been sitting here trying to figure out how one can hold their tshirt in their mouth while holding their "piece" in their tshirt all at the same time. Can someone draw me a picture? Are there two shirts involved?
@ihatesomuch I don't know about weird, but not that unusual, at least. I have been doing the same thing. And I don't know either. Unless he is like, passionately and theatrically (ugh. And GROSSLY. Why am I thinking trashy novel sex scene words to describe this) biting the neck of the T shirt?
OMG, I WENT TO COLLEGE WITH -46. LOLZ.
@Donald Rogers and -46 is not an accurate value of how enjoyable he is now.
@Donald Rogers Would you go higher or lower?
+32 for the nine-year-old kid I used to tutor who shouted at me, "You look like your are from New Hampshire! I don't even know what that means, but you DO!"
@ginalouise Give that kid an extra five points, I don't think I even know there was a New Hampshire when I was nine.
@figwiggin a friend told me this means I look like I love freedom.
Confidentially, I hate freedom. And I'm from California.
Kid got a gold star that day.
+55 to all the people who work at my local Kaiser health facility, because I have not yet had a less-than-friendly interaction with any of them.
+ an extra 45 to my new doctor, who was funny and helpful and totally real about sex, etc. at my first appointment with her today. I like to imagine she is a regular Hairpin reader.
@cuminafterall Oh man, this is worth, like, real gold bullion. +100 to the gyno I went and saw a few months ago who took my tentative claims of maybe having vulvar vestibulitis seriously instead of just telling me to "keep trying" like the other three gynos I saw.
Is this points system based on the Hogwarts points system? Because it seems just as subjective to me. I would -1000 any dude who gives me the old up'n down and asks gross personal questions.
@Miss Zarves excuse me, the Hogwarts points system is objectively based on Gryffindor being better than everybody else.
and frankly, I'm giving you the ol' up'n down for thinking otherwise!
Aah the hiccup man! Once when I was drunk with some friends waiting for the bus home, I had terrible hiccups that would not stop. A different bus arrived from the one we were waiting for, and just before he got on, this man picked me up, turned me upside down, and lightly shook me. Then he put me down and my hiccups were gone! It sounds awful but it was hilarious, and I shouted thank yous at him as he left.
There's a bit in Black Swan where a disgusting man masturbates at Natalie Portman on the train, and the men I watched it with were convinced this was supposed to be one of her weird delusions because it couldn't POSSIBLY happen REALLY. They refused to agree with my understanding that it definitely does happen, even though I have never experienced it nor know anyone who has - I just assumed it would, because of people like "+20" being unashamedly creepy to women all the time. NOW I HAVE PROOF. So at least some good came out of it? The good of me winning an argument? Thanks!
@pixieg It's amazing what dudes are oblivious to, sometimes. Like, it's not surprising when you think about it, but it's sometimes startling, the things we take for granted that shock them. (In general.)
I'm pretty sure that there are plenty of videos of this kind of thing, if anyone is doubting!
@pixieg my most absurd and almost-hilarious-if-it-weren't-loathsome public jerker was a guy sitting on a bench in a quiet corner of the park across the street from the Eiffel Tower, arm lazily stretched across the back of the bench, with his other hand on his exposed boner. With the nonchalance of a man reading the paper or smoking a cigarette. Dummy.
@pixieg I've totally had to deal with the bus jerker-off-er. It's why I like to sit up front near the aforementioned +100 drivers.
I like how my reaction to this: "OMG, I know -46, I went to college with him!" was already well represented in the comments before I got here.
-a billion to the chick on the greyhound who kept her seat all the way back when I only had a 1/4 of an inch of legroom to begin with. And then sloowwly moved her seat back as far as she could without actually bashing me in the knees when I asked her to put it all the way up.
@Megan Patterson@facebook Ugh, -a billion to the dude sitting in front of me on an overnight flight who SCREAMED at 12-year-old me for minutes on end because apparently I was keeping him awake by, like, taking a notebook out of the seat pocket.
+a million to the lady across the aisle who reached over and asked if I was okay (crying) and gave me a tissue and a squeeze on the arm.
-100,000,000 for finding out the guy who seemed perfectly okay in Safeway and who you gave your name and number to is the predatory campus creeper and now you're afraid to go outside.
Not that this happened to me today...
@twinkiesandwine oh nooooooooo. so sorry. I'm sure you could put this together on your own, but don't be embarrassed to call campus security, the cops, the national guard, etc.
@candybeans Yeah, thankfully it's being covered. I talked to campus security and they are on top of it, and I have the campus security emergency number and the VP of security's cell phone in my phone now, along with their support. Hopefully we can get this guy soon and shut it down.
It isn't, however, the best situation when you are already dealing with anxiety issues.
So, if you enjoy strangers, it goes without saying that you love everything about the bus, right? I have never met so many people with so many court dates that were so eager to talk about the relevant circumstances and strategies they'd be employing than on the bus. And the bus to make last call at the methadone clinic is the same one as for first period bell at the local alternative high school (maybe for fun you can all decide to yourselves which one I must be using the bus for) and what a compatible and combustible mix of folk that heaps onto your enjoyability scale every morning!
@pippi bongstocking I LOVE THE BUS. I mean, I hate it, but it makes for such good stories? Like the guy who asked me for a cigarette, and then told me how he knows how the world will end (monsters or something?) and told me he could read my palms and tell me my future, to which I could only say, "Hahahaha, I definitely don't want to know that." Or the dude who sang along to his ipod, but using "doo doo da dabba doo" instead of real words. Or the woman who clearly wasn't wearing any pants but received zero reaction.
@Nutmeg A guy read my palm on a bus in Quito! It was very silly and I only got half of what he said. The most important part, he said, he couldn't say in English, and I couldn't understand in Spanish. God knows what nonsense I've gotten myself into since then that I might have avoided, had I studied Spanish more.
So, my friends and I were riding the 6 bus downtown for whatever citywide festival, and my friend expressed a desire for cigarettes. Some dude on the bus who sort of looked like Iggy Pop, if he were a 19th century vagrant and/or folk singer, proceeded to roll a cigarette on the moving bus and give it to us, wordlessly.
I don't really know if he gets positive or negative points.
@miwome I think I know that guy.
So twenty minutes after reading this article and leaving work some guy approached me on the train and said "Hello you are very beautiful would you like to go out with me sometime?" Damn it.
@mackymoo At least you didn't get it via note. That he dropped on the floor near you and insisted fell out of your own pocket (this has happened to a friend before).
-20 to the homeless dude in Ben & Jerry's who told me I'd look hot if I "didn't breathe into my stomach like that." +20 to the homeless dude who threw a Mr. Goodbar at my head, unprovoked... because, seriously, I hadn't seen a Mr. Goodbar in forever.
+100 to the family who thought it hilarious that my Jack Russell ran into the middle of their picnic and helped herself to the ham sandwiches.
-1000 to the guy who sat next to me on the bus (many other seats available of course) and wanted to discuss my 'very sexy hairy arms'.
@More battenburg, vicar? JRTs, gotta love 'em! They're so good at seizing the moment of opportunity.
-10 is the best.
-500 to the disgusting old fart who had the gall to ask me if the curtains matched the drapes in the flower market one morning.
I should have pushed him into a bucket of thistles.
@OxfordComma They have buckets of thistles???
@OxfordComma Let me guess, you're a redhead too?
@Danzig! : Sure as heck do! I love them--so pretty and unusual in arrangments!
@whateverlolawants : Always *wanted* to be a redhead, but no. My hair is pink. Which, somehow, makes the whole thing even grosser.
@OxfordComma I get "Little Red Riding Hood" constantly. I want to push them into buckets of thistles and yell "LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD WAS NOT NECESSARILY A RED HEAD AND I HAVE NO CAPE, YOU DUMBASS"
@teffodee : REALLY. That is so unbelievably stupid!
...sometimes, I get my panties in a twist when people say they love my "purple" or "red" hair, and I just want to holler, "IT'S PINK. PIIIINK. Did you not learn your colors in kindergarten??? PIIIIIINK."
@OxfordComma I really want pink hair, but I'm scared of bleach. And my gentleman is not enthusiastic about the idea.
@teffodee : Oh, lady! I've been dying my hair for ...five? years, and it's still completely healthy. The tricks are to GET A GOOD STYLIST, only bleach about four times a year (seriously, have the colors placed in such a way that roots don't look horrible), to use sulfate-free shampoo, and to severely limit my use of blowdrying and curling.
My hair is crazy healthy, honest!
...
Why doesn't your gentleman like the notion? Mine was dubious, but once he saw it, he loved it! Dying your hair a funky color is a risk, but it's a fun risk. And if you hate it, Clairol is $8 at Target. :)
@OxfordComma No, he loves funky colours (he's all for blue, for example)-- I think it's just the pink. Andddd yeah. I dunno. I can't now because I might have a fancy administration job this summer. But when I'm being a funky poet, I might break the pink hair out :)
@teffodee : Compromise? Purple? :)
@OxfordComma I have a feeling he'd like purple less than pink, but I might go ahead with fuschia at some point :)