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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

179

Resident Evil: Sex

Video game character crushes. They are a thing. I prefer them to movie character crushes, because video game characters (most often) aren’t physically represented by pesky real people who might pop up in a tabloid and wreck the fantasy, AND you get to make them do whatever you want (to a certain extent).

Now that we've acknowledged this, I’m ready to get the ball rolling with the hottest collection of pixels to ever grace a screen: Leon S. Kennedy.

LEON SCOTT KENNEDY!!!*

*Never just LEEEOOONNN! Because then someone might mistake me for Ashley Graham, “the President’s daughter,” and I might die of shame. “LEEEOOONNN! HAAALP!” No! NO! What am I typing?! Back to where we were.

Aaaaaaah. Leon Scott Kennedy.

Leon made his first appearance in Resident Evil 2, on (game-time) September 29, 1998. He was running late for his first day on the Raccoon City police force, which … ended up going badly. Despite the whole battling zombies on the first day on the job thing, Leon managed to meet a hot babe in a red dress. And then took a bullet for her. Dreamy, right? But then she died.

Or did she? Because the chick who tossed him a rocket launcher while he was fighting the T-103R looked an awful lot like her…

And then he got down to the real hotness in Resident Evil 4. Oh, perfect swishy hair! (Ed.: To each her own.) Oh, riot gun! OH, Killer7! That JACKET! Let me fan myself for a moment.

So Leon turns up in Spain looking finer than ever (as I said, that JACKET!) to search for the President’s kidnapped daughter. Now guys, let’s not kid ourselves. Resident Evil 4 has one of the worst plots in history. It is ridiculous. I like to imagine it was written over late-night Gchat:

“What if Leon went to Spain to rescue the President’s daughter, and then these parasite-infected people who are not zombies attack him?”

“Hell yeah! They should be like, monks or something! And THEN let’s bring a Bond villain-style little person into the mix!”

“Sounds good, man. But we should throw in some innocent villagers before the monks. It gives it, like, pathos or something.”

“Dude, you’re a genius. After the monks, let’s bring some science-mercenary type guys into it, and a jet ski! We got this.”

“SWEET, bro! Now let’s come up with some sick stuff for all those guys to turn into and program this thing!”

“Don’t forget the dogs!”

Incredibly, it ended up being the best game ever. At the end of the first section of the first chapter, Leon met Luis, the man who SHOULD have become the love of his life:

Do you see it? I see it. If none of the rest of you see it, I will take solace in the fact that my friend Lauren is into it. HOT. Sadly, it was not to be.

Aaanyway, Ada’s not dead. You can actually catch a glimpse of her as early on as the village, if you make Leon go back into the bedroom of that one house after the giant terrifying village chief chokes him like Vader and makes a cryptic creepy comment about “having the same blood” or something, right before coming across a Ganado in the toilet and THEN meeting chainsaw dude for the first time! (Unless you run into that certain house at the beginning of the village and grab the shotgun first thing like an effing HERO. Eeeeeeeee, the sound of a chainsaw revving still gives me the chills.)

After many trials, Ada gives Leon a boat ride (not innuendo), repeats history by throwing Leon a rocket launcher at a critical time, and then, uh, helps (?) him by proffering a teddy bear key chain with a key to the jet ski of escape. Which … come on, lady. Who expects to have to drive a jet ski to safety after beating the big boss? You’re a cruel woman, Ada Wong.

Since he politely declined Ashley’s offer of “overtime” and noted Hunnigan’s removal of corrective eyewear, we’ve seen little of Leon. (I didn’t play The Darkside Chronicles, sorry. I’M SORRY, LEON!) BUT, the trailer for Resident Evil 6 offers us a promising glimpse of sexiness to come. I quite safely assume that the rest of the world is just as giddy as I am in anticipation. LEON SCOTT KENNEDYYY!!! <3 you. Now, let’s all discuss how diabolically attractive you are. And how much fun Resident Evil 4 is in high def.

Next up: Garrus Vakarian. If you’ve got a video game crush nominee, let him or her be known in the comments.

Previously: Thoughts I Had While Not Playing the Mass Effect 3 Demo.

Jennifer Culp once received a riot gun as a Christmas gift after raving about how amazing the weapon is in Resident Evil 4, and will blow a hostile milk jug away without blinking.

Special thanks to Justin Mitchell for procuring Girl Talk Secret cards, as well as being the greatest cutscene photographer Jennifer has ever known.



179 Comments / Post A Comment

SarahP

GARRUS!!! Please tell me you weren't kidding about that, I am so excited.

I may or may not have ripped a picture of Leon out of Nintendo Power magazine to keep for myself. I didn't even play the game.

Jennifer Culp

@SarahP I am so not kidding about that.
You should play RE4! So scary; sooooo fun. And it's, what, 20+ hours with Leon?

TheBourneApproximation

@SarahP Hah. I got to the end of the article, thinking "Man...I know this feeling. Someday someone will write an article for those of us with a slightly strange cross-species crush on Garrus Vakarian... WAIT WHAT."

Mosey

@SarahP I filled an entire scrapbook with pictures of videogame crushes when I was a teenager. No lie. I subscribed to Playstation magazine just so I had stuff to ogle and cut out.

Ojo
Ojo

@SarahP I knoooow! Oh Garrus, swoon.

Alien crushes, so wrong, yet SO right.

conley

@SarahP The whole time I was reading this, all I could think was "yeah, Leon is alright. BUT GARRUS..." So I pretty much did a little jump for joy at the end of the article.

HillsideHoyden

Love Resident Evil 4, especially the part where you fight the zombie sea monster with a MFing harpoon! And yes, Luis and Leon are definitely Secret Lovers.

JessicaLovejoy

Oooh gurl, he does have that 90's hair that imprinted itself on my budding sexuality even though I know, intellectually, that it's terrible. (See also: that Reaper dude on the most recent ep of Being Human, U.S. version.)

anachronistique

@JessicaLovejoy Also Squall Leonhart, the escaped boy-band member who fronted Final Fantasy VIII. (Don't judge me. He was a sullen jerk but he sure was pretty.)

Megasus

@anachronistique All the boys were pretty in that one. Also I had a thing for Wakka in FFX (NO JUDGEMENT!)

anachronistique

@Megan Patterson@facebook If there's one thing Square knows, it's how to draw some pretty, pretty men. (Vincent Valentine, anybody?)

itmakesmewonder

@Megan Patterson@facebook Wakka was cool, he was like a skater guy you loved but knew was probably too dumb to date.

TheGenYgirl

@anachronistique But it was all about seeing Squal WITH Rinoa!

Lady Humungus

@anachronistique I had (ok HAVE) a huge crush on Balthier from FFXII, and I was soooo not a teenager the first time I played that game.

area@twitter

@Megan Patterson@facebook Wakka! He was so sweet. And he had actual character development too! He did a really good conflicted bro-type.

boysplz

@Megan Patterson@facebook Oh Wakka, I really love this description of him from the socksmakepeoplesexy Final Fantasy series.

"Wakka is like your older cousin from Arkansas who coaches little league and keeps trying to bring Jesus into the conversation"

Sydney C

@JessicaLovejoy I feel like an old person because I totally had a crush on Locke from the third Final Fantasy. He was so pixellated!

redheaded&crazy

@anachronistique aw man I just knew somebody would have made this comment before me.

Mosey

@Megan Patterson@facebook Oh girl, Wakka was so cute. Also John DiMaggio voiced him so he had a hint of loveable bender about it?

Whilst we're talking about FF boys, I love Basch (shipped with Penelo?!). And Locke. ughwhatiswrongwithme

lavender gooms

@JessicaLovejoy Locke? Pssh. Try Kain. I'm such an old!

Jizzcliner

@Lady Humungus http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4kWbHePQbU

Ojo
Ojo

@anachronistique oh man I totally forgot the crush I had on Vincent Valentine. Guess that explains my teenage goth phase a few years later.

Lady Humungus

@Jizzcliner AHH nice! I just love his voice mmm...
I never played Tactics, but this makes me want to.

puppyemissary

@lavender gooms KAIN! I love him! And Rydia. Did you play The After Years? It made me very happy.

youresmalltime

IS

THIS

ARTICLE

HAPPENING.

...okay, now that my username and avatar are present, allow me to. Actually read.

youresmalltime

@youresmalltime OKAY I'M BACK.

Heart palpitations. Jennifer, Jennifer. Who are you, my kindred soul sister.

Jennifer Culp

@youresmalltime Don't think I haven't noticed your username and avatar before, leaping out at me from long comment threads. I SEE YOU, TINY LEON!

youresmalltime

@Jennifer Culp I am amazed to hear it. I was certain no one would ever understand? And now LITERALLY EVERYONE will understand. Day made.

Which was really necessary after the news about Davy Jones. Soooo thanks.

Jennifer Culp

@youresmalltime Have you watched Resident Evil: Degeneration? I just did last weekend (it's on Instant Netflix), and WHOOOAAA do yourself a favor and watch it. It was like one really long RE cutscene with all the hilarity that implies, and Leon does the absolute dreamiest thing humanly possible always in any given situation.

youresmalltime

@Jennifer Culp Friend, I preordered it. I am a serious fangirl. Mouth-foaming.

Shoot them in the head.

Jennifer Culp

@youresmalltime "I know what Leon would do!"

youresmalltime

@Jennifer Culp PS, they are making a sequel to Degeneration called Damnation? Due out this year but sketchy details. Sony swears it isn't canned though.

nonvolleyball

@youresmalltime but--wait--am I correct that Tiny Leon is in the style of MEGAMAN?! because if so, I think you may have blown my mind. (I haven't been able to read this article 'til now, but my life has been enriched immeasurably by having done so.)

youresmalltime

@nonvolleyball CONSIDER YOUR MIND BLOOOOOWN.

nonvolleyball

@youresmalltime then consider yourself my new hero.

& if you haven't seen them yet, there are some HILARIOUS Megaman parody videos on the youtubes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACBJtPUIF3o among others). which I only bring up because I'm always thrilled to find someone else who might be able to appreciate them.

catsuperhero

EZIO AUDITORE.

Megasus

@catsuperhero Is it weird that young Ezio does not do it for me, but older, Revelations Ezio does? LIKE SO MUCH OMG.

youresmalltime

@catsuperhero ALSO SO MUCH. Incidentally, the guy who does Ezio's voice is the current Chris Redfield in RE.

...sorry, guys, I feel the need to comment So Much on this entry.

catsuperhero

@Megan Patterson@facebook Okay no not weird at all because now my comment editing ability is gone but I feel the need to go back and clarify that it's definitely Older Ezio that I'm talking about. I'm so excited about this topic that I'm using run-on sentences and forgetting the commas. DON'T FORGET THE COMMAS, PEOPLE. Anyway. Young Ezio just doesn't have the fullness of character that older Ezio does. Which is pretty much how life goes when someone grows up to be, oh I don't know, sexy and AWESOME.

I was and still am a little jealous of Sofia.

And maybe I need to breathe a little.

Megasus

@catsuperhero I am a little jealous of Sofia but she is awesome, and her bookshop is awesome, and her boobs are pretty awesome, so I have chosen to be happy for them, lol.

catsuperhero

@Megan Patterson@facebook I'm gonna open up a whole can of worms here and say that Lara Croft can bite me, because Sofia's are the best video game boobs, ever. Ever. Like...whoa.

Megasus

@catsuperhero Lara Croft's are just the biggest, not necessarily the best.

area@twitter

@catsuperhero I will freely admit that one of the main reasons I want to buy a PS3 and play Assassin's Creed is for the handsome mens.

Megasus

@area@twitter There are so many! AND beautiful buildings! That you can climb and give yourself veritgo and execute awesome rooftop kills from. There is really nothing not to like.

area@twitter

@Megan Patterson@facebook yesssss. That, of course, is the other (and main) reason, is that it's incredibly done and emphasizes stealth and skill over body count. (Incidentally, this is probably why I still have a sneaking fondness for the Hitman series.)

Megasus

@area@twitter Well, you don't HABE to be sneaky*
*says probably the least stealthy AC player ever

nonvolleyball

@Megan Patterson@facebook haha, my husband & I have a running joke of whispering "...like a shadow" anytime a Hitman mission goes wrong & we end up with a ridiculous amount of collateral victims.

Megasus

ALISTAIR!! Forever. Also FENRIS. I have had too many game crushes in my life, so it is good to see them validated here, lol.

TheBourneApproximation

@Megan Patterson@facebook Alliiisstaaaaairrr yeeesss. Damn, what *is* it about Bioware?

Megasus

@TheBourneApproximation More ladies than usual on the writing staff, I think.

DoctorDisaster

@TheBourneApproximation BioWare has some weird off-putting romances mixed into their generally great track record, though. Zevran? Liara? Blech.

That said how am I the first to mention Tali? TAAALLLLIIIII BE MY ALIEN SPACE BRIDE

TheBourneApproximation

@DoctorDisaster I think the following adequately expresses what I would like Mass Effect 3 to be:

http://aidosaur.tumblr.com/post/4887130522/fanart-friday-er-saturday-i-have-so-many-ideas

Re Bioware, their record isn't perfect, but their recent response to the whole Jennifer Hepler fiasco, and the whole defense of the "non-traditional" (i.e. not-white-not-straight) romances in Dragon Age 2 seem to indicate that they at least kind of "get it." Or at least see the commercial value in appealing to as wide a consumer base as possible...

emkay

@Megan Patterson@facebook When Alistair told me we couldn't get married because I was an elf, I took it harder than being dumped in some of my real-life relationships. I had to take up with Zevran immediately to show him that I didn't care about being his stupid queen anyway, whatever.

Apocalypstick

@Megan Patterson@facebook TAAALLLLIIIII! So adorable. So kickass.

Megasus

@emkay BEING QUEEN IS AWESOME. But if you harden him, you can be his piece on the side.
Noble human foreeeeeevvverrrrrr!!

angelan

@Megan Patterson@facebook Ha, when Alistair dumped my mage she spared Loghain JUST TO SPITE HIM, and he ran off like a little sissy. Then she fed Loghain to the archdemon, and demanded WEALTH AND RICHES (i.e. Loghain's old land) as her reward for saving the land. I like to think she ended up just sitting on a big pile of money and showing up to royal parties looking hotter than anyone else and being all 'liked it, should've put a ring on it <3'.

TheBourneApproximation

@emkay Yeah, the internet tipped me off ahead of time that he was going to dump my poor elf ladymage. Anora became queen so damn fast after that. End result: Ferelden gets a strong, competent female ruler, and Alistair and the Warden remained a happy two-career couple, with him apparently "never leaving her side." Nice.

Maladydee

@DoctorDisaster Tali is the best. Check this out: awesome mass effect fanart is here.

Megasus

@angelan You seriously can do a thing and he will still mess around with, if not marry, you. I think even if he marries Anora? So basically, KING'S MISTRESS WOOOOOO! Although I don't see why it matters if he marries you and you're an elf, your children wouldn't be anyway. (also his moms might be an elf)

Elsajeni

@Megan Patterson@facebook ALISTAIRRRRR. Unfortunately I made my main character a dude, so I don't think it's going to work out between us.

Megasus

@Elsajeni If you have it on computer, there is a mod. If not, YOUTUBE VIDEOS!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yX8ex_mueeM

Ojo
Ojo

@Megan Patterson@facebook My boyfriend still teases me because I got a little bit teary when he died. And then refused to save because THAT MAKES IT NOT REAL OKAY.

Elsajeni

@Megan Patterson@facebook Haha, of course there is! Not for me, though, I'm on the XBox. But I'm comfortable with just pining for him/interpreting all our "friendly" conversations as thinly-veiled flirtation.

Megasus

@Ojo Hahaha, Canon is that he lives and become king! I have never killed it, it was bad enough taking Loghain.

Emby

Marle. Chrono Trigger. I CAN'T HELP IT DON'T JUDGE ME SHE HAS A CROSSBOW.

catsuperhero

@Emby I will second and support anyone who has a crossbow.

SarahP

@Emby Not Ayla?!

Emby

@SarahP
Chrono Trigger FMK:
Ayla, Marle, Lavos

Probs

@Emby hahaha. You win. Though I'd swap in Luggage for my M

area@twitter

@Emby Crossbows are the weapons of beautiful badass romance. (I play a hunter in WoW, so I may be /slightly/ biased.)

Oh, squiggles

Regular video game posts on the hairpin?! Be still my heart!

Oh, squiggles

L4D2 Ellis. He would be so much fun in the sack, I just know it.

Starkiller from Force Unleashed is pretty cute...

Statham

@Awesomely Nonfunctional Oooo Ellis. He would be a good time.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@Awesomely Nonfunctional: Starkiller is severe featured actor Sam Witwer, and man is it weird to see him in some TV show or movie.

Oh, squiggles

@Too Much Internet Weirdly I like the video game version better? He seems fake in is IRL pics because I am used to the animated version!

Statham

NATHAN DRAKE. I've been looking for him in bars everywhere, but he's probably off spelunking in an ancient cave of random crap with some other hot chick. :{

twinkiesandwine

@Statham I've decided that you are actually Jason Statham and this comment is even more wonderful as a result.

Statham

@twinkiesandwine Dammit. You've figured me out. I was hoping that by not putting my first name, no one would figure it out.

area@twitter

@Statham Yes, please. (hngh)

Danzig!

@Statham Just stalk Nathan Fillion!

Cesare_the_Somnambulist

Wow.

TheCheesemanCometh

@Cesare_the_Somnambulist So I just gasped out loud at your avatar/name. One of my favorite movies of all time.

I'm not much of a gamer, so most of these are unfamiliar to me. I can absolutely relate, though because, well, anime crushes? Pretty much the same thing.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

@TheCheesemanCometh ANIME CRUSHES, let's hear them. Rei from Mars amirite? OK, I'll show myself out.

TheCheesemanCometh

@Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy) Yes! Although, my faves are the strong, silent guys (<3 you, Mori!) and the super cranky ones. I mean, Sanzo is such a prick, but I find him absolutely hilarious. Of course, Amon is the ultimate - pissy AND quiet.

Now I must disappear...

itmakesmewonder

Cloud Strife. Yesterday, today, tomorrow.

itmakesmewonder

& Vincent Valentine when I'm feeling edgy. And Setzer from FFVI.

Megasus

@itmakesmewonder Is Setzer the one with the airship? Because I will take the dude with the dope airship.

itmakesmewonder

@Megan Patterson@facebook Airships forever!!

Emby

@Megan Patterson@facebook In FF7 that was Cid. Setzer was FFIII (or VI, depending on your numbering system).

Megasus

@Emby There was a super cool airship in VI as well, if I am remembering correctly. A pirate guy owned it? I think you met him at the opera.
I could be making all of this up.

itmakesmewonder

@Megan Patterson@facebook Yeah, there was, and I specified Setzer was from VI, so I'm not sure why this is a question now.

Setzer's airship is tricked out with casino games too? It is pretty absurd.

Emby

@Megan Patterson@facebook Oh, I read itmakersmewonder's comment wrong! You were right that Setzer has the airship in VI. I was saying that Cid had the airship in VII (which was neither here nor there, now that I understand the question).

Chanticleer

@itmakesmewonder Cloud didn't do it for me, but I fell weepingly in crush with Auron from FFX. Like, literal weeping. Deeply embarrassing but also kind of delightful.

area@twitter

@Chanticleer AHHHHHHHH YES. Auron crushes FOR LYFE. I'm pretty sure the reason I got into games was seeing the FMV where he strolls into the stadium with the biggest sword in the world over one shoulder and is like, "c'mon, fiends, let's dance." ::frantically fanning air::

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

@itmakesmewonder I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You see, I have these earrings and this makes me Strife's one and only. Back of the line, ladies!

I'm just kidding, there are enough copies going around that we can all have a little Cloud in our lives

Speaking of which, I don't usually go in for fanfiction but this one is ACES. The Fifth Act. Bonus points if you happen to be a Genesis fancier too.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

Also, can we talk about how hot Edgar (VI) is in the Amano illustrations? "Hey girl.."

itmakesmewonder

@Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy) Oh you are so right, girl. VI is full of great dudes now that I think about it! I love Edgar and Sabin both.

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

@itmakesmewonder I am currently playing through VI for the first time! I love it! I'm just about to go onto the Floating Continent (I'm using a walkthrough, and I don't live under a rock, so I know how the game ends.) Apparently Locke was originally supposed to be more emo and tortured, a la Cloud? It makes me wonder if they had done that, how different things would be. I like weak heroes.

itmakesmewonder

@Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy) It's my favorite one! Just so great.

catsuperhero

Oh, and also: Faith Connors. Mirror's Edge. I can't figure out whether I want to be her or sleep with her, but I'll take either.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@catsuperhero: Mirror's Edge is a favorite game of mine because of the environment, graphical design, ambiance and music, but geez the plot really let me down. Still would love to see an ME2 someday, but it will be a while, if ever.

derpcastle

I had such a crush on Leon too, he reminds me of a young David Bowie.
My #2 crush has got to be Travis Touchdown from No More Heroes. He has a kitty too!

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@derpcastle: Haha, Travis Touchdown. So earnest. So creepy.

Ophelia

I...actually owned "Girl Talk Secret Diary," and now that I think about it, my mother would probably have preferred me to be playing ANYTHING else.

Jennifer Culp

@Ophelia Hahahahaha this just made my DAY. I wanted the game so badly, but my mom would never let me have it. I had to play it in secret at a friend's house. Gaming: it's a slippery slope from frivolous pink sparkly board games to M-rated horror shooters.

liznieve

I think this is the first Hairpin article that sounded like it was in a completely foreign language. Not a bad thing! I just read this and kept thinking: is that even English?!?

Carry on, gamers.

ru_ri

I have no idea what any of this is about (I don't play video games) but just wanted to say--Leon and Luis, ummm, yeah, I see it. Tell Lauren we should go drinking some time.

HMSBeagle

I relate to this so hard.

When I was a kid, I had a thing for Link. He was a blob of pixels so my imagination could run wild. In college, I wrote a poem for Shiva, the naked, icy summon from the Final Fantasy series. I used to summon her all the time.

DorothyZbornak

I don't know gaming, but I do know hotness and Leon and Luis have it. Also, nicely done on the Girl Talk card! LOVE.

twinkiesandwine

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau is his RL doppelganger, y?

This post reminds me of how much I want to hang out with/date a gamer. I have too much anxiety to actually play most games myself, but I do like watching other people play (and therefore having the freedom to run away if things get too intense). Right now game play-through videos on Youtube are the closest thing I can get.

riotnrrd

Alyx Vance (Half-Life 2) 4 eva. So cute! That hair! Her leather jacket! And she flirts with Gordon Freeman (that is, ME) so adorably. Plus she has a robot dog and shoots a mean pistol.

DoctorDisaster

@riotnrrd Oh my god Alyx! ALLLLYYYYX BE MY POST-APOCALYPTIC FUTURE GIRLFRIEND

insouciantlover

I like when Brynjolf calls me lass but I might like it better when Arnbjorn calls me morsel.

If my character could actually copulate I'd kill my wife Camilla and stuff her rotting body in the guest room so I could hook it up with a werewolf, but Arnbjorn is pretty clear on where his loyalties lie.

Megasus

@insouciantlover OMG YES BRYNJOLF. I am still devasted I can't marry him. Or anyone, because I broke the game.

insouciantlover

@Megan Patterson@facebook No!!! Do you have it on PS3 or did it just break for some other reason? I'm at about level 28 and it's started freezing up after about 2 hours of gameplay. I'm obsessssssed.

Megasus

@insouciantlover PS3, and it has been doing that to me since I bought it, although less since the second patch. Though I haven't played lately. I was married to Vilkis, and then he DIED, and it wouldn't let me marry anyone else, and then his dead body started spawning in his old room which was kind of creepy and upsetting, and I still couldn't marry anyone else, and then after one of the patches he was ALIVE but we were not married. And I still cannot marry anyone else.
And Brynjolf is just not a romance option apparently, which is the biggest oversight ever.

Ophelia

Also, the title of this post should be Santorum's campaign slogan.

DoctorDisaster

Dudes column:
Scout (Team Fortress 2)
Ellis (Left 4 Dead 2)
Adam Jensen (Deus Ex: Human Revolution)

Ladies column:
Tali'zorah (Mass Effect series)
Alyx Vance (Half-Life 2+)
Faith (Mirror's Edge)

leonstj

I've read this entire article and comments pretending they are about me.

This is also what I do in non-internet life when a certain New Orleans rapper the same age as me who was a Hot Boy refers to himself in the third person. Two words I never hear? I quit. Cuz I win, and they lose.

embley

Nthing (older) Ezio Auditore and Tali. And also Thane.

But especially Ezio.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

Favorite RE4 moments -

First cut scene, escaping a boulder: "Wow, cool cinematic. Oh, I have to press something?" *crunch* "Whoops, sorry Leon. Didn't know this game had QTE's."

First time you suplex a zombie and his head blows up: "Hell yes. Although this is now less about Survival Horror and more about Action Horror."

That weird dwarf in napoleonic clothes: "Leon, shoot him! Shoot him right now!" *several instances pass in which Leon could have killed this boss before he transformed into a giant plant* "Goddammit Leon."

First encounter of chainsaw guy: "Cool! Oh no, he's pinned me. The game will probably take a chunk of life away from me." *chainsaw guy chainsaws Leon's head off* "Hmm, I'm going to need more First Aid Spray."

Knife fight with Krauser: *Leon dies* Dammit. *Leon dies* Dammit. *Leon dies* Dammit. *Leon dies* Dammit!

youresmalltime

@Too Much Internet I knew you'd be fine if you landed on your butt.

Jennifer Culp

@Too Much Internet The Merchant, every time he turns up. Selling treasure just isn't the same without him! And the time I accidentally killed him when I had the heat scope on...it was awful.

emkay

@Jennifer Culp THE MERCHANT!!! Every time I go to the farmer's market, I can't help but think of "What are ya buyin'?" and "What are ya sellin'?". It makes buying fruit much more exciting.

Danzig!

@Too Much Internet Zombie suplexing was in RE5!

Danzig!

@Jennifer Culp http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oXx0qwe0wc

nonvolleyball

@emkay haha! that's still an oft-quoted exchange in our household--probably because my husband & I would drive each other crazy by making the merchant say that wayyyyy too many times. it takes on a weird hypnotic quality after the third or fourth round of repetition.

melisesilem

ugh, this article ended my lurking spree. I registered for the sheer sake of chiming in with SEPHIROTH [and to a lesser extent Dante of Devil May Cry].

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

@melisesilem Hey! You might like the fanfic I recommended upthread, too. Or not, if you go in for the post-Moral Event Horizon Sephiroth. Oh god, TVtropes is ruining my vocabulary.

anachronistique

@melisesilem
ESTUANS INTERIUS
IRA VEHEMENTI
SEPHIROTH
SEPHIROTH

redheaded&crazy

Hm, looks too much like Squall from FFVIII

HAHA! Yes I am here to ruin everything.

redheaded&crazy

Lego Ron is my videogame crush.

Aleya Vigiogarms@facebook

Is it bad that is it wasn't for Leon's 90's haircut I would not find him nearly as attractive? I guess those are the down sides of growing up in the 90s.
Also I nominate Francis York Morgan from Deadly Premonition. I'd let him taking me off into a life of mystery and international intrigue.

emkay

Speaking of Mass Effect, why can't Shepard have a relationship with Joker? Is it because of his brittle bone disease? Maybe they'll have a cure in ME3.

Ojo
Ojo

@emkay Oh God I totally want to tell you a spoiler but that's mean and it's also just the worst spoiler ever. Damn Bioware.

Ms. E

Years ago, I had a massive crush on Riku from Kingdom Hearts (Don't even get me started on that game), believing there was probably something even more creepy about crushing on a 15 year old than average.

Now I'd say I have a strong preference for bespectacled heroes, such as Gordan Freeman or Adam Jensen.

RE2 though, was the first game I ever played OBSESSIVELY. Endless numbers of playthroughs, choosing which disk to start with so I could get the different endings. Worst thing ever: the first cinematic scene with the Lickers. D:

Princess Slaya

I AM SO HAPPY YOU ARE DOING GARRUS NEXT!!!!!!!!!

(I never played Resident Evil but this guy looks like a cutie).

I also vote Fenris from Dragon Age 2. I think 90% of my video-game crushes are voice-acting-dependent.

Maladydee

@Princess Slaya Fenris forever. The same guy voiced some random imperial soldiers in Skyrim, and any mission where one of those 'fenris' soldiers died, I was a little sad.

Jon Custer

Love that Hairpin is posting (more) video game coverage! Now I just have to convince rockpapershotgun to start doing nail art tutorials, and my evil plan is complete...

Mosey

Ahahah, are you in my head or something?? My 16 year old self definitely had the same thoughts about Leon and Luis. Siiiigh~
I forgot they had a gun called Killer7! Killer7 is pretty much my favourite game of all time and contains so many of my crushes! I have such a thing for Dan and Coyote Smith. Together, preferably. I'm not even sure why since they're both cel-shaded morons; maybe it's the scripting and voice acting that got me hot and bothered.

Also Ezio Auditore. And Yusuf. And Altair. And Malik. (What?! Scars are sexy, okay?)

youresmalltime

@Karinna Deller@facebook Ummm, Altair/Malik? Anyone? Anyone.

Mosey

@youresmalltime Always Altair/Malik. And also Malik/Altair. Just stick them both in a bucket of jelly and ice cream and be done with it.

Michelle Rothrock@facebook

Alistair in Dragon Age is the ONLY video game crush. Dude broke my heart like four times.

I literally quit playing video games (other than, like, Mario) because I decided my poor heart couldn't HANDLE the potential emotional involvement in any character-driven games in the future. Also because I ended up getting a Dragon Age-related tattoo? uhhh

Apocalypstick

@Michelle Rothrock@facebook Oo, what's your tattoo?

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@Michelle Rothrock@facebook: 1. C'mon, play games! Rewarding good writing with our patronage is what is making games better and better. 2. Gotta show us the tattoo now.

Ruc-Wmj

Oh man, Princess Leon. <3

slev3131

Video game crushes are fun! Leon is one of my biggest. I even named my Blackberry Leon because I figured, hey, if he can jump out windows and still be sexy my phone might be imbued with the same power. When I got my Playbook I named it Kennedy so they sync and there is magical-geek-ness.

Whitney@twitter

These columns make me unbelievably happy. Games and The Hairpin, together? LEON SCOTT KENNEDY, MY IMAGINARY BOYFRIEND SINCE I WAS THIRTEEN???

Also, nominated as important video game crush: LINK. Any of y'all read those manga-style comics for Link to the Past in Nintendo Power? Boy was fine!

Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy)

@Whitney@twitter I know! This is me, running around in circles and going squeee. I don't think I went to enough sleepovers as a young girl?

Whitney@twitter

@Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy) Total elaborate Mary Sue fantasies about getting sucked into Hyrule and being awesome at the sword and Link falling in love with me. Excuse ME, princess!

lucia_engel

Finally registered so I can comment on this.

Sam Fisher (Splinter Cell) and Naked Snake (Metal Gear Solid 3). I guess I like my men sneaky.

Maladydee

Fenris from Dragon Age 2. I normally go for the funny ones, but something about the emo white-haired elf just got me.

Megasus

@MaladyDee I wasn't sure, but then he was all "TEACH ME TO READ!!" and that was it. Community's got me nailed, apparently.

Danzig!

Oh man gamer boys on the internet are gonna be soooo maaaad

paisami

garrus!!!! too too excited.

as for other video game crushes... professor layton. not even kidding. <3 u hershel.

Danzig!

When I was like... 12, I played Planescape Torment and there was a character named Falls-From-Grace who was a celibate succubus wearing a chastity belt. She was pretty much written to be a mockery of game romances, which was really great.

Also the only priest-type character in the game, so she was really useful as well.

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@Danzig!: Is Planescape: Torment the best game ever written? It is.

hieropants

I think I'm kinda late to the gate here, but can I go video-game old-school and say Tex Murphy? Because goddamn do I love listening to Chris Jones drawl flavor text at me while I'm looking at every single hotspot in a room.

SomeGayGuy

OMG YOU GUYS, VIDYA GAMES! Did any of you play Persona 3 or any of its variants? I HAVE WANTED TO DO AKIHIKO AND JUNPEI FOR LIKE YEARS. (My crush is strong, though so far my miserliness has been stronger, otherwise I'd own a PSP and P3P *JUST* to date Akihiko...if Junpei were bangable, I'd totally be dropping some dough...)

Oh, look, have some slightly creepy junpei fan art: http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kwlo09K5Ir1qz83i8o1_500.jpg

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

@SomeGayGuy: I started P3 and liked it, but it's one of those games that seems 120 hours long and I don't know if I'm up to that.

Mitsuru, though. The knee high boots and flame red hair? Yes, please.

SomeGayGuy

@Too Much Internet Mitsuru was too high-maintenance for me -- my favorite date was Yuko, the sports team manager. SO GROUNDED and just...i dunno. Real. Also, the Akinari social link actually made me cry, especially at the end when you meet his mom.

The Persona games for me have a huuuuge hump. I got over the P3 hump when there was that huge blizzard in DC a couple years ago and even if you wanted to do something else, all you could really do was play video games.

embley

Also: John Marsden. Mmmmmmmcowboy.

just reading in a boat no big deal

!! This looks exactly like Zac Efron with Jared Leto hair.

Ojo
Ojo

OK I've already posted way too much about weird video game crushes, but is anyone else playing The Old Republic? My awesome badass Sith Warrior has the most adorable little nerdy companion she's married to.

I don't even like Star Wars. Bioware games are basically my crack.

Dantess

Ezio Auditore, THIS MUST HAPPEN.

FinalGirl

Baldur's Gate 2: Valygar!
NWN Nights: Aarin Gend!
NWN Hordes of the Underdark: Valen Shadowbreath!
Elder Scrolls Oblivion: Captain Burd!
Elder Scrolls Skyrim: Balimund!

SomeGayGuy

@FinalGirl OMG I PLAYED THE CRAP OUT OF BALDUR'S GATE 2!! Ugh, the male romantic possibilities out of the box were TERRIBLE. ANOMEN??? Ugh. Juicebox.

I really like the add-ons the mod community made. I swear I spent like 6+ hours straight on a single battle in some of the improved encounters mods. [ALSO SEXY SEXY SOLAUFEIN]

AmbiSinister

@FinalGirl VALEN SHADOWBREATH!!!! Also, the entire reason I joined the Black Hand in Oblivion was to get into Lucien Lachance's pants (I thought his voice was hot but in retrospect not as much???) but we all know how well that turned out, ha ha ha.

AmbiSinister

Please do a review on all of the love interests in the Dragon Age series :D

FinalGirl

@SomeGayGuy - BG2 is AMAZING. And they're coming out-- supposedly!!-- with a NEW BG. Allegedly, anyway. Go here, read this-- http://www.metafilter.com/113357/The-child-of-Bhaal-stirs

I felt SO BAD for Anomen, though-- definitely lousy situation. But he was just way, way too young-feeling for most of my PC concepts. Solaufein was a pretty good one-- did you ever play the Angelo mod? And Gavin worked pretty well for BG1.

@AmbiSinister - And Valen is Kaiden! And Lucien's VA turns up on the Bethsoft forums to chat with people sometimes. Seems like a really nice guy.

LadyManiaC

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