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Thursday, February 23, 2012

46

On Ice Cream

Playing a sport in college is not unlike what I imagine it is to be in prison, for many reasons, one among them being the ability to make the outside world's ordinary seem luxurious. The use of normal leg function, a late morning wake-up, a soda with dinner :: a perfect jig, spa day, aged wine.

It was an away game and we were promised ice cream if we won. It had unfortunately come to this, and the excitement for something we were rarely allowed started during the game. If a goal was scored, where there were usually congratulatory hugs, there were instead chants for that sweet cream. ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM! We were all above the age of 18, dancing for dessert in front of other adults. A close friend scored and turned immediately to find me, releasing a scream into my face unlike any other noise I'd ever heard my friend make — this petite, gazelle/Gisele-like girl summoning ice cream not from her gut, but seemingly from the ground and all of her history.

Thanks to us trying harder than we'd ever tried before, we did win. After the game we showered as quickly as we could, packed our things, and settled onto the bus. The mood inside could only be described as: unsafe. It was quiet, but the kind of quiet after the first slam of a fender bender and before the inevitable second collision. Our coach made his way to the intercom at the front. Click.

"All right, so, good game, girls."

A pause. Then reluctantly, "I know we promised–"

"ICE CREAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!" The bus of 25 girls erupted into screams. Frantic, frantic screams. Some girls began to shake the seats in front of them. Others grabbed the closest person in their row to share in this amazing moment. I'm pretty sure someone ran their face across their window so they could create enough condensation to write "ICE CREAM." We were hysterical. I do not mean that we were funny, I mean that we were each entering into our own form of psychosis. Imagine that scene in Mean Girls, except enclosed in a small, moving bus.

Our coach watched in horror. Would the bus tip over? he probably wondered. The screaming swelled around me, reaching insane frequencies, and I think I blacked out, because when I came to, the chanting for ice cream had somehow, impossibly, morphed into "Simon Birch." SIMON BIRCH! SIMON BIRCH! I looked over and one of the smaller members of our team was being hoisted up and shoved into an overhead bin. It is here that I tell you there are doctors, accountants, and news reporters among you that helped to successfully close the latch on someone stuffed inside a compartment meant for luggage because of their excitement for a single ice cream cone and loose understanding of the movie Simon Birch (loosely based on John Irving's A Prayer for Owen Meany).

We got our ice cream. Were the events leading up to it the single greatest achievement of all of our lives? In a word, no. But were the events leading up to it enough to cause several grown women to declare with absolute certainty and without shame, "I'm going to pee"? Yes. The I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Ice Cream scenario is real, it's terrifying, and it can happen to you. Please RT.

Previously: What Your Payment Method Reveals About You.

Erin Sullivan lives in Portland, Oregon.

46 Comments / Post A Comment

Nutellaface

I actually, factually, just lol-ed.

Essica

@Nutellaface Me, too. And linked on Facebook, with people tagged.

cuminafterall

@Nutellaface Me too! And I almost never laugh/cry at things on the internet.

liznieve

@Nutellaface I did too. With a snort. In the middle of my office. While on deadline. [cue coworkers' daggery eyes]

Reginal T. Squirge

Potential Girl Of My Dreams #1 once told me that her nephew was so used to getting ice cream when he had a cold, that he never really learned that it was called "ice cream" and just referred to it as "all-better". This information was told to me at the time I was falling in love with her, so I'm reminded of it every time I see, hear about or eat ice cream.

lisma

Shake/silent laughing so hard right now.

@serenityfound

@ginalouise DITTO

moose

I just laughed so much I did, in fact, almost pee all over the place. This reminds me very much of this: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/10/god-of-cake.html

oh well never mind

@moose Logged in to say hello and well-met, fellow moose! Look, we even look alike..!

melis

The summer isn't officially summer until Mr. Tastee comes to town.

lue
lue

@melis The other thing I should tell you about Mr. Tastee is that no one knows his true identity...

meetapossum

@lue His name is Leonard. He told me my eyes were bluer than a Blue Tornado bar.

frigwiggin

I'm going to imagine that this happened at the university where I work, because I got to interview some of our women's softball players for an article for our university magazine and I fully and entirely believe they would do this. ICE CREEEEEAMMMMMM

ELECTROMAGNETIC CHAOS

My taste buds and teeth can't take the abuse they got when I was a kid, so now I am Team 3-5 oz of Frozen Yogurt.

julia

Oh this is just the best.

Obviously your coach & athletic trainers had much better control over your nutrition plans than ours, because we treated being part of a varsity team as an excuse to eat extra cereal after dinner & get cookies at Panera during spring break training trips.

wharrgarbl

"there are doctors, accountants, and news reporters among you that helped to successfully close the latch on someone stuffed inside a compartment meant for luggage because of their excitement for a single ice cream cone"

I've always suspected as much.

leastimportantperson

This so perfectly captures the transcendent intensity of girls sports teams. Flawless, A+, ICE CREAAAAAAAM!!!!

punkahontas

I just have to say that when I read the word "wine" I had to go pour myself a glass (with a little bit of aged gouda on the side) before I came back to read.

punkahontas

@punkahontas Well, great. It looks like I'm going to need dessert tonight too! Hopefully I'll manage to eat something more nutritious between the wine and cheese I'm having now and the IIIICCCCEEEE CRRRREEEEEAAAAAMMMMM I'm already thinking about for later.

bunB

@punkahontas I'm really glad I'm not the only one who needs a sip of wine as soon as I hear or read the word. Same with basically any food. I have to pretty much tie myself to the couch when watching Top Chef so that I don't run out to the store to pick up a rib eye.

AllyMcBLT

"Playing a sport in college is not unlike what I imagine it is to be in prison, for many reasons, one among them being the ability to make the outside world's ordinary seem luxurious."

Ahhh, this is EXACTLY how I felt during my college swimming days. I'm pretty sure the only time in my life I can remember truly crying tears of joy was one time junior year when our coach announced that our post-meet meal would be at an all-you-can-eat pizza restaurant. PIZZZZZAAAAAA!!!!

tiny bookbot

@AllyMcBLT I did college swimming too, and YESSSSS this is what it felt like. Man. That + injuries, no reason I quit after two years.

okaycrochet

This post has me boogying in my desk chair, and stepping from the shadows of 'pinlurkdom for the very first time.
We ate soft serve in the campus cafeteria with every meal, but my college basketball team routinely outdid itself when we played in San Diego because ICE CREAM WHAT IS IT WHERE DOES IT COME FROM A WHOLE NEW WORLD
We were so frenzied that I can tell you neither the location nor the name of this place. But they had ice cream.

OhMarie

I love ice cream more than I love any other food. This past Sunday was my birthday, so I went to the local ice cream place to grab a pint for dessert. When a 2 for 1 wintertime special basically forced me to get 2 pints instead of one, I literally did a giddy little dance.

sbizzle

My collee lacrosse team had eating challenges in the dining commons. We'd constantly get more plates than would fit at the table. West Coast lacrosse, yeah!

Toby Jug

Reading this made me so fucking happy. I'm getting a contact endorphin high from you and your teammates through the space/time continuum.

redheaded&crazy

TRIGGER. FUCKING. ALERT.

redheaded&crazy

ICEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM

Nutmeg

I love my temporary roommate, because when I am too depressed to leave the house, she (gently) forces me to come get coffee with her anyways, and responds to my quiet "Can- can we get ice cream?" with, "Of course we can."

Judith Slutler

@Nutmeg I love your temporary roommate too.

Lauren Hayden

@Nutmeg Oh my god, that + this post have completely overwhelmed and immobilized me emotionally. People are so lovely and beautifullllll!

PistolPackinMama

@Nutmeg <3 this story.

Ames

Something about this made me laugh so hard I started wheezing and my dog came over and started frantically licking my face like he always does in times of distress. Well done!

Porn Peddler

@Ames ugh I love when doggies do that. My dog would tear ass across the house and jump up in my mom's face when she sneezed (we're talking about four little pounds of furball dog, though)

miwome

summoning ice cream not from her gut, but seemingly from the ground and all of her history.

THIS WAS AWESOME

dreamcatcherz

De-lurking to say THANK YOU and that made my morning.

bunB

This was great. And also somehow made me feel very 1%-ish for being able to have ice cream whenever I want.

atipofthehat

Edith left the keys to the Hairpin on the subway and they're waiting for a locksmith

City_Dater

Hilarious. And now I NEED a friggin' ice cream so bad. Thank heavens I'm a grownass woman with access to an entire city full of it.

The Silver Lining

Is ice cream a theme on blogs today?
http://jezebel.com/5887920/ice-cream-messes-with-your-brain-in-the-same-way-crack-does

melmuu

Erin, I read basically every tweet you ever tweeted in one sitting, and can we move in together?

erin

@melmuu yes

LadyManiaC

very very nice bog. i like Elektronik Sigara and blog. thanks for sharing..

j-LoPez

really this good idea.
this site very good quality.
thank you all.
Bedava Oyun Oyna

Zeki Yol@facebook

great work, thank you. i always follow web sites. thanks for sharing. Fıkra .

Zeki Yol@facebook

great work, thank you. i always follow web sites. thanks for sharing. Karot .

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