Queer Chick, I would appreciate some sage advice. Or at least a moment of your thyme.
I have been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for the past six years. She's a few years older than me, and while I'm not her first girlfriend, she's mine. I'm also what you'd call a gold star, despite classifying myself as bisexual (we both do. In Kinsean terms, I'm about a 2-3, she's about a 4-5). I got into this relationship when I was just out of my teens, in my final year of college. We moved in together relatively quickly (I know, cliché) and things got serious almost immediately.
We have a lot in common, can talk easily and at length about almost everything, we laugh together, support each other, and have both become part of each other's families. It's a pretty darn solid relationship. The problem here lies in the bedroom. We have a great sex life for the most part, however more and more I have found myself fantasizing about people other than my girlfriend when she's fucking me. "So what?" I hear you say, "Everyone fantasizes" — the thing is, they're fantasies about men, oftentimes two men together. And sometimes I can't even climax without thinking about it. Having never had the experience of being with a man before getting into this relationship, I have become increasingly heterocurious, wishing I could turn back time and fuck a few good men (maybe not Tom Cruise though) so I at least knew what it was like, and wouldn't be driven crazy by thoughts of it. It's not just the D, either (though that is certainly a factor), as I know I could take the sextoy route to explore that in a way. It's being with a man, the whole man (and nothing but the man? So help me god).
I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend, nor do I want to break her heart by leaving her to satisfy some morbid curiosity, and I know for sure the open relationship/threesome route is a no-go, certainly not this far along in our monogamy. I love this woman, but as things are progressing further and further toward talk of marriage and babies and whatnot, I know I could not in good conscience agree to be with her for the rest of my life unless I knew that's what my heart/vagina really wanted. I can't talk to my friends about this, because I'm afraid if I do they won't support me in this relationship anymore, thinking I'll never be truly happy. I don't know how to talk to my girlfriend about it without crushing her and risking her feeling inadequate/lacking for the rest of our life together.
As y'all may already know, people in monogamous relationships who have just realized they're bisexual is the largest single category of Folks Who Send Me Emails. And while I have occasionally been snarky about it, I do genuinely understand that this is a really fucking challenging position in which to find yourself (make a Kama Sutra joke and just see how fast I will smack you down). Here is this person who you love more than anything, this person with whom you want to wake up and pay the cable bill and make spaghetti and go bowling for the entire rest of your life, and all of a sudden this heretofore-unsuspected side of your libido rears its ugly head, and suddenly you're wondering whether your One and Only can really give you everything you need. That is brutal, and scary. And I don't want to minimize its impact for anyone currently struggling with it.
But I also want to say, since so many people seem to be dealing with this lately (perhaps because we're all more aware of and comfortable with bisexuality than our counterparts 25 or even ten years ago), that I think when you get right down to the secret squishy heart of this issue, it is actually terribly simple. You have to decide whether, by staying with your lover, you're gaining more than you're giving up.
You, lovely Letter Writer (may I call you Lettie?), are coming at this from a slightly different angle than I normally hear about; you are already bi-identified, instead of a nominally straight chick who is suddenly lusting after ladies. That is going to potentially make this a teeny tiny bit easier for you to navigate, because you won't have to deal with quite so much “holy shit what will people think when they find out?” Still, the basic issue is the same. You don't have to re-label and reorganize your sexual identity, but you have to make some big, potentially gut-wrenching decisions.
First of all, I want to put your hot boy-on-boy brain-porn off to one side while we talk about this, because it's not really the salient point here. You're right that everyone fantasizes, and some people can only (ever!) climax when they're focusing on their favorite fantasy scenario, but the Thing that turns you on the most when you're allllllllmost there is not necessarily the Thing you actually want in real life. Some dykes think about dudes, some gay guys think about ladies, some totally vanilla folks think about getting smacked with a riding crop, and one chick in North Dakota thinks about Ronald McDonald for reasons she still hasn't been able to explain to herself. It could be relevant, if you're wishing you were in the middle of a sweaty dude-sandwich instead of in bed with your girlfriend, but on its own it doesn't tell us much.
What's more important is that you're thinking about dudes even when you're not in the zone, and it's causing you to question whether you want to marry your lady. So this is where I suggest, as I always do, that what you really have to ponder is not “how badly do I want to get some wang?” but “how committed am I to my partner?” Long-term monogamy is not for the faint of heart, but for the right person, you should be able to make the sacrifice gladly — I don't mean easily, I mean with joy even when it's difficult. Look, Lettie, real talk: sometimes I wish I had slutted it up a little more before I got together with my fiancee. Sometimes I regret my lack of crazy random hook-up stories, just like you regret the lack of penis in your past. But I know that the person I'm with now is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life, and that is worth giving up on every other possibility to focus on this one, this one that is right.
There is this terrifying and hurtful myth that, when you meet the perfect partner, The One, your super special soulmate who likes to cook your favorite food and can find your G-spot blindfolded, you will immediately and forever stop wanting to have sex with other people. This is not even remotely true, but it causes an insane number of problems by convincing you that the moment you get an itch in your panties for somebody new, your relationship is doomed. In reality, the only thing that dooms your relationship is when you decide that she's not the one for you — that you don't love her enough to make all the rest of it, from not fucking boys to picking up her dirty socks when she leaves them on the floor, worthwhile. Being bisexual, though it adds another dimension to the wanting-to-have-sex-with-other-people dilemma, does not — or at least should not — make much of a difference in the outcome.
So this is the part where you have to make the tough choice, and by now you've probably noticed that I have not said one single goddamn thing that will help you with that process, because there's really nothing I can say. Everything hinges on the part that I don't know and can't tell you, which is: do you want to be with this woman forever? And are you willing to do what it takes to make that happen?
Just so we're clear, it's okay if the answer is “no.” I'm not saying that you are a bad or weak person if you decide that you need to pack up your things. I won't be mad if it turns out that she's not the one for you, or you're not the one for her, or you're both too young to be making lifelong relationship choices, or whatever. Choosing the path that will make you happiest, and sticking to it even when it means hurting someone you care about, because you know it's better for you both in the long run, requires tremendous self-honesty as well as ovaries of steel. If that's what you have to do, I'm sorry, and my heart is with you. Things will get easier from here, and you're going to do fine.
But if you decide to stay with your lover — if you throw yourself into this relationship with your whole heart/vagina and stick to it for the long haul — then perhaps I can offer you some words of wisdom that will help you through the rough patches: seriously, dudes are not all that great.
I have a sister-in-law (my husband's brother's wife) who I love to pieces. She is the sister I never had. We are two soldiers in the neverending fight against our mother-in-law. Everything is love, happiness, sunshine, except ... her mother is a lesbian who lives with her long-term girlfriend. Still, you ask, where is the problem?
SIL has mentioned in passing a couple times that she believes this "sets a bad example" for my niece and nephew, because, you know, homosexuality is “bad.” Her husband agrees. In these few instances, I have felt deeply uncomfortable with her comments, especially when she says these things in front of her children (one of whom is in high school, so we're not dealing with babies here). Despite my disapproval, I think her relationship with her mother is none of my damn business, right? She has not asked me for advice or come to me with concerns. She seems to think this is common sense and that I must agree with her.
Also, my brother-in-law is somewhat volatile and is easily offended or angered. I would hate to cause a rift between my husband (totally pro-LGBTQ, by the way) and his considerably more conservative brother on behalf of a woman I've never met. (If, for example, one of my future kids turned out to be LGBTQ of any sort, I'd cut a bitch who dared say that kind of thing at a family gathering. Though I'm sure that's easy for me to say from this safe, privileged, hypothetical distance. Does that make me a hypocrite?)
Her kids do spend time with SIL's mother, but I know it's with the understanding that her "lifestyle" is "bad." I am tempted to pull my niece aside and tell her that there is nothing wrong with homosexuality, but again, is that totally inappropriate and not at all my place? Is it inappropriate to NOT say anything? She’s a smart kid, but I don’t want to put her in an awkward position. Do I wait until she's an adult? Do I continue to keep my mouth shut? Do I say something just to my SIL? Do I passive-aggressively mention every gay or lesbian friend I have at any opportunity to imply that I'm not on board the Anti-Gay Express? I am naturally non-confrontational, so the prospect of a big family argument scares the bejeezus out of me.
Help me, a Queer Chick! What is the right thing to do?
Ugh, there is such a huge part of me that wants to be like “stop being friends with your awful homophobic sister-in-law.” It's really weird to me when people talk about how such-and-such person is great and wonderful and sweet and awesome and oh there's just this tiny problem where they haven't even met me but they already hate me. I don't want to hear about how she makes the best vegan cupcakes and gets all your most obscure Buffy references; if she hates the gays, then she is Not Cool and should not be invited to your birthday party.
Okay, but I recognize that I'm being unreasonable. People are flawed and messed up, and having one terrible character trait does not necessarily cancel out all the virtues that make you enjoy someone's company. I myself probably have at least one friend who is some kind of intensely crazy bigot in a way that I don't even know about because it's never come up. If you're not the target of the irrational disgust, it can be awfully easy to overlook for the sake of preserving your friendship. Plus, even if you did tell her to take her homophobia and shove it, she'd still be married to your husband's brother, so it's not like you could avoid her forever. And it's probably better for your niece and nephew if their parents remain on speaking terms with their awesome, queer-friendly aunt and uncle. ESPECIALLY if one of them turns out to be queer, because that shit is going to be rough, but even if they're straight it would be nice for them to have at least one familial influence who is not a great big juicebox.
So what's a non-confrontational chick to do? Well, no matter how much you love your sister-in-law and fear conflict, I think you are doing yourself and your niece and nephew (as well as your hypothetical future queer offspring) a disservice if you let her slide completely. I'm not saying you should throw your iced coffee in her face the next time she makes a disparaging comment about her mother (although you totally can, I'm not gonna judge), but you need to let her know that on this issue, she does not have a sympathetic ear from you.
When she mentions her mother in a way that makes it clear she disapproves of lesbians en masse, I want you to remain perfectly calm and say, in the most neutral tone of voice you possess, “I don't know about that. My friend Julie is gay, and she's awesome.” (Feel free to name an actual person, if you do not have a gay friend named Julie.) Then — this is key — change the subject immediately. You are not trying to start a fight; you are not trying to win her over; you are simply letting her know, politely but firmly, where you stand. If she tries to pursue the subject, just laugh it off — “I don't feel like arguing on such a nice day! Want to take the kids to the park?”
You may have to do this more than once before it sinks in, but I doubt you'll have to do it more than two or three times. Again, since your priority is maintaining a positive relationship with your sister-in-law, you have to resist the urge to press the point, to tell her about all the awesome queers in your life, to make a compelling case for human rights and social justice and RuPaul and fisting. I guarantee you that if her own mother couldn't bring her around, you're not gonna be able to do it either, and the more you try the more you'll damage your friendship. All you can do is continue to make it clear that you love her, you respect her, but on this topic you'll have to agree to disagree.
I am a 27-year-old queer lady. My best friend is an ex-girlfriend. We dated for several years and were engaged at one point. After the initial post-breakup awkwardness, we remained friends. We live in separate states but email near-daily and visit one another a couple times a year. We've each dated since the breakup and don't have any residual feelings for each other. Our relationship is essentially the same as any other best friend pair, except that we used to date. I never really thought this was weirder than anything else humans do, but lately I've heard people say some things (including in a former column of yours!) that make me wonder if I missed the consensus statement issued by the Strategies of Lesbianism Convention wherein it was decided that girls who are friends with ex-girlfriends are automatically off-limits creepers?
Do I have to choose between my best friend and any hope of a successful future love life? Is it a major turn-off to learn that a woman is best friends with someone she used to bone? Is there a way I need to be telling people about this that makes me sound less creepy? Is it inappropriate that I address holiday cards, etc. to my friend and her girlfriend? Please help me, A Queer Chick!
As much as it's clear to me that you folks would like one, there is no one-size-fits-all strategy for dealing with The Dreaded Ex-Turned-Bestie. Sometimes those friendships are creepy and codependent; sometimes they are positive and nurturing; and only you (or the women you date) can say for sure. If your friend is not constantly reminiscing about your relationship and bringing up how much she misses you — if you're upward of 90% confident that you two have no lingering sexual tension — then it's probably fine, rock on with your sweet selves.
The Ex-Turned-Bestie is really only a problem if it's interfering with your current relationships, and it sounds like you've both been getting laid left and right since your breakup, so I don't see why you'd be worrying about this. If a future girlfriend ever does express concerns, you'll have to figure out for yourself whether it's really a problem or whether she's just above-average insecure, and proceed accordingly. For the time being, however, why fix something that's not broken (or a domesticated animal which you want to prevent from reproducing)? I feel like you mostly wrote to me because you wanted an affirmation, which I am more than happy to provide (to anyone! Holler atcha girl if you need to be reminded that you are a beautiful special snowflake!), but yeah, you don't really have much of a problem here. Your friendship is 100% Queer Chick approved — go forth and rejoice!
Previously: Pronouns, Unexpected Crushes, and the "Repressed Lesbian" Cliché.
Lindsay Miller knows everything (and is now on Twitter!). Do you have a question for A Queer Chick? (300-word max, please.)
Photo by Anna Sedneva, via Shutterstock
Re. the long-term monogamy question. Someone I can't remember put it best: "You [get married, move in etc] when the idea of living without that person is worse than the idea of living with that person."
@Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy) "Love is not finding someone to live with, It's finding
someone you can't live without." - Rafael Ortiz
@Anne Yes! Thanks!
@Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy) Yes yes yes. And it is something I need to hear constantly.
@Fig. 1 (formerly myfanwy) I am so late on this, but I was saving it for when the US selfishly had its public holiday (selfish!)
My sweetie and I were talking about alternative future lives we could choose, and I asked him for an opinion. He said 'I dunno, I just want to be with you.' He wasn't even trying to be romantic, he was being practical. I was stunned, but then I realised I felt the same. Sometimes things will be shitty, and I have negative things in my life that wouldn't be if I weren't with him. But I know that no matter what our lives look like, the potential lives with him in it are about a hundred times better than the best potential life without him.
Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and remind myself of that. But it's still true. Even when some of those lives look shiny and nice from this distance.
@Craftastrophies Oh man yes. This. Exactly. Always.
"There is this terrifying and hurtful myth that, when you meet the perfect partner, The One, your super special soulmate who likes to cook your favorite food and can find your G-spot blindfolded, you will immediately and forever stop wanting to have sex with other people. This is not even remotely true, but it causes an insane number of problems by convincing you that the moment you get an itch in your panties for somebody new, your relationship is doomed."
a-fucking-men. everyone needs to hear that more often.
my brain is fucking with me this week because of that sex diary, I swear.
@Third Wave Housewife Yeah, I kinda want to print it out and keep it in my wallet.
@Third Wave Housewife Agreed. That's probably one of the wisest things I have ever read on this site. If more people could understand this, I think there'd be more happiness and less grief in the world.
@Third Wave Housewife That's exactly what I was thinking. This is the most amazing thing I've ever heard. I need to tell this to everyone.
@Third Wave Housewife I had to stop keeping it after two days because it was bringing up all kinds of ugly and irrational. I'm exceedingly depressed right now. Seeing that on the page just made me a) wait more impatiently for my next doctor's appointment and b) hug my boyfriend more. I was like, "wow, self. Cut it out."
@automaticdoor I'm ovulating this week so I was already nucking futs. I just turn into a giant vagina when I ovulate and sometimes it is Not Good.
@Third Wave Housewife My period decided to show up a week early and stick around for the full two weeks anyway! It was super exciting (NOT). In addition to my psychiatrist appointment on Thursday, I have my annual gyno exam on Tuesday, and I'm hoping maybe for new birth control pills. I turn 25 tomorrow and I think my period is going through puberty. (I'm scared maybe I won't get birth control pills because it's a new doctor and I go to a Jesuit university and last doctor was really awesome but this one might not be. I asked for a lady doctor but you never know. However, generally here at my Jesuit university in our nation's capital *cough* we are liberal enough that you just say "medical issues *wink nudge*" and they are all "OH YES RIGHT." Usually without prompting they will even ask "Do you have any MEDICAL ISSUES that might necessitate us looking into hormonal birth control options for you? Cramps, acne, mood swings, anything?")
@automaticdoor I believe we attended the same Jesuit university. I got a degree in midwifery/women's health from said university and we spent a fair amount of time discussing how to get hormonal birth control from the health center. Sneaky, sneaky.
@EternalFootwoman Did you come to the same conclusion re: ways to obtain it? I got my AB and in three months from tomorrow (NOT THAT I'M COUNTING) will have my JD and it's such BULLSHIT that we have to do this. I spent my undergrad years going to PP to get HBC, but I decided last year to at least give the SHC a go because I was tired of paying out of pocket. I really do have "medical issues" that necessitate HBC which are the above-listed conditions only worse than that list makes it sound (debilitating cramps, cystic acne, mood swings that interfere with my bipolar meds and would require that I recalibrate my doses depending on where I was in my cycle) but also I would not like to get pregnant when I date men (I tried going off HBC to save money when I dated my last monogamous gf and it didn't go so well) and it's ridiculous that I can't say that. I am a grown-ass lady. Question: I can apparently get HBC pills and get them covered, but do you know if I can get them to cover a hormonal IUD? That would really be the best because steady doses of hormones at all times.
@automaticdoor Yeah, general consensus was that you had to say your period was super-heavy or that you got bad cramps. I'm gay, so it wasn't something I had to do, but from what I heard, most of the providers would, as you describe, help you come up with a medical reason for needing birth control (the number of people who do women's health and want to limit women's access to birth control is thankfully small, from my experience in the field). I'm not sure about an IUD; I don't know what the student health insurance covers. But you can get them from PP.
@Third Wave Housewife Oh my god, I bookmarked that diary to do and then forgot and man, I am so glad. It has been a Week in my head - also ovulating, and it just makes me scratchy and restless and cranky and nothing is good enough. Also, I had a very polite not-fight with my boyfriend which is now fine but could have not been, and everyone is pregnant except me and I don't even want to be but I still feel left out.
Stupid uterus.
As someone who HAS to fantasize about a certain something to climax--a certain something that is not something I would EVER want to enact in real life--don't sweat it, LW#1. We are legion.
@figwiggin I am SO intrigued.
@figwiggin Agreed. I still fantasize about something that I've done in real life and wasn't actually that great. Nevertheless, it's still number one on my list. I excuse myself because I've never actually climaxed, so whatever gets me close is free game in my book.
@catfoodandhairnets I would be too, if I were someone else, but honestly--this isn't something I've ever ever told anyone about, ever, because thinking about it in non-sex moments makes me feel creepy and uncomfortable.
@Sherlock I don't think you need to excuse yourself! Fantasies are a safe place and should be without judgement, so long as any of it that bleeds over into real life is all consensual and careful. Whatever gets you off gets you off.
@figwiggin Isn't that odd how that happens? Not odd, maybe, but it's like when you're in a sexytimes mood (solo or partnered), your brain is sometime not even your brain anymore? It doesn't really bother me much usually, but occasionally I get a little weirded out by the places my thoughts go in pursuit of physical sensation.
@MoxyCrimeFighter Yes! It's interesting, what the brain reaches for in times of arousal. And the weird reactions our bodies sometimes have to ordinarily non-sexual activities. (I discovered in college that I get aroused if I whisk something in a bowl. Why??? I haven't a clue. Makes baking fun, though.)
@figwiggin I. am. now. beyond. intrigued.
Also, from now on, you are the designated whisker.
@figwiggin So glad I'm not the only one with the whisking thing! I find baking, in general, enormously sexy.
For the woman with the homophobic SIL...it's her right to teach her kids that hetero is the only acceptable way to be, but it's just as much YOUR right (and responsibility?) to teach your kids that other people's sex lives are truly none of their business, and that one orientation in particular is not better or worse than another. It would be a great time to teach your kids how to have uncomfortable conversations with people who may not agree with them, and to stand up for what they believe in. They'll learn from watching you! Good luck.
P.S. I work with one of the most obnoxiously vocal homophobes I have ever encountered, and for three years I've been practicing staying calm, cool and collected when she spouts something stupid and hateful. Cut a bitch, indeed!
@vanillawaif Spot on.
LW2: I suspect that the SIL homophobia may not be generalized-hatefullness-homophobia (I like to call it homophobia classic) but rather is I-have-so-many-mommy-issues-with-my-gay-mom homophobia. It doesn't really excuse her behavior, but I think it makes it more understandable? I think having your parent come out later in life can be construed as a betrayal by some people, and that perceived betrayal can be hard to get over. Maybe the LW should ask her SIL about her mother/their relationship/how her mother came out of the closet/etc?
@kitkat88 I hadn't considered that, but perhaps that's the underlying issue. It's still not an okay thing (and I know you're not saying it is), but perhaps if the SIL clears up her own possible mommy issues, the homophobia will go away? Maybe it's a symptom, not a firmly-rooted trait. That would be nice.
@kitkat88 I think this is a very good point. People can have very liberal ideas and yet feel differently about a situation like this if it's dealing with a parent. My mom left my dad after over 25 years of marriage, and within a year came out and moved several states away to be with her partner. I was in my early twenties at the time and had some pretty major issues with my mom over this. The issues didn't have anything to do with the fact that she was gay, it was more about our historical mother-daughter issues (i.e. she used to very conservative and practically disowned me when I decided to "live in sin" with my bf, and she was really critical of all of my life choices). So my frame of mind was "so you've never been accepting of me as a person but now you're asking me to be accepting of this???" Then other issues came to my mind, like did she cheat on my dad?!?!? And also, she's now discovered the person she were truly meant to be, does that mean she regrets ever getting married & having me & my siblings? It's a tough thing to deal with. But through it all, the most important thing was that I want the best for my mom, and I want her to be happy. And she's very happy in her relationship. It took time and a lot of communication, but we worked out all of our issues, and now our relationship is better than it's ever been.
That said, if the SIL is having these kinds of issues with her mom, I certainly don't agree with the way she's lashing out. She needs to find a way to talk through her issues with her mom and stop involving the rest of the family, especially her kids. Like kitkat88 said, maybe the best thing for the LW to do is try to find out from her husband or her SIL how everything went down when her mom came out, and what her feelings are about that.
A Queer Chick, as one of the many previously-straight-identified-ladies-in-a-monogamous-relationship-who-is-experiencing-a-burgeoning-bisexuality, I have to say that this feels to me like one of the best and soul-soothing responses you've ever given on the subject. Thank you for listening and responding to all us special snowflakes with a caring and thoughtful mind/heart/vagina.
Also, LW1, after coming to my boyfriend with these very similar feelings (over Christmas break when we were visiting his family and I just COULD NOT TAKE the pressure of holding it in anymore), I found he was surprisingly understanding and supportive, beyond what I ever even imagined, and it strengthened my feelings that this relationship will be a long-lasting-if-not-forever one.
I don't want to say that just because I had this experience that you will, too, but I also think you may be surprised by how open a truly great partner can be when you come to them honestly and with love in your heart.
@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas That's so nice to hear! How did the conversation go? Did you reach any kind of resolution/agreement/understanding? A friend wants to know...
@whateverlolawants It started off with me saying, "I really have to tell you something, and I don't know how it will make you feel..." I described that I had slowly begun to notice being attracted to women in ways that I never had before, and that it was confusing for me because I am very much in love and happy with my boyfriend, but that I didn't know what to do about expressing/exploring my feelings in a way that felt safe for me and that wouldn't threaten our relationship.
He essentially responded by saying that my happiness is vital to him in our relationship, and that all my feelings are okay and totally natural (he also acknowledges the reality that sexuality is fluid, which is quite honestly SO REFRESHING to hear from a dude), and that he was not threatened by them. He even went so far as to suggest that he would be totally fine with it if I felt like I needed/wanted to have sex with ladies, as long as it was not a symptom of me not wanting to be with him anymore. Going "monogamish" is not something that I think would fit for me, at least at the moment, but it is soooo comforting to have it out there and not have to hide how I feel from the person I love, and to have that as an option one day, should we ever choose to accept it.
We also confessed our mutual intense crushes on Robyn, so that was fun, too.
@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas Your boyfriend sounds absolutely lovely.
@Bettytron I will refrain from turning into a smooshy melty mess be saying only: yes, thank you, he is pretty remarkably special.
@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas That's really good to hear. Your boyfriend sounds wonderful. Thanks for sharing this story.
@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas I found that response enormously helpful, and bisexual cravings are not even part of my issue. A Queer Chick is SO WISE and awesome her answer can apply to anyone in any kind of relationship dilemma! Yay!
@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas Thank you so much for sharing this! I had this same sort of situation with my partner around 6 months ago and it went great. and now we check out girls together, turns out we have similar tastes! yay!
@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas I wish my experience this weekend had gone half as well :(
@whateverlolawants Oh, no, I'm so, so sorry to hear that. Small consolation though they are, I send you hugs through the ether.
@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas Thank you!
I imagine if I was going out with the last LW I wouldn't be super happy with her emailing her ex-fiancee every day...I don't know though. None of the rest of it seemed too weird.
@timesnewroman i have to say i agree that i would feel weird in any situation where my partner is in more frequent contact with their bestie-ex than me, but then again maybe I am the above described insecure schlep that needs to be handled with kid gloves/tossed to the curb/whatever.
tangentially, what do people think is a reasonable amount of contact to have with your partner? every day? every other day? multiple times a day? a few times a week?
@redheadedandcrazy Some days I talk more to my sister or bestie than my boyfriend. I'd like to think it all comes out where it should, though.
My bf and I at least text each other a few times a day. Occasionally we talk on the phone. We usually see each other 1-4 times a week, I'd say, and occasionally we send each other something online, but it's pretty rare b/c he doesn't have a computer right now. I think we're both happy with the level of contact, since it's never come up. I know I am. We've been together 6 months.
@redheadedandcrazy I've been with my bf 1.5 years and the last 6 months of that has been long distance. we text a ton, skype for a couple hours at least 2-3x/week and see each other for the weekend usually around once a month. when we lived in the same place, I slept over at his place at least 6 nights a week. but we only had like, a date night every once in a while. we're also both pretty codependent and he's my best friend, though. so idk! I think as long as you're both ok with where you're at, then you're good!
@redheaded&crazy I definitely think it varies and it's a personal style thing, sort of like languages of affection or whatever that's technically called. My style tends to be pretty high-contact--at least once daily, unless one of us is traveling or going through a crazy-busy time--but that doesn't mean everyone wants to Relate that way. (I'm currently single, but this is how my past relationships have worked, for the most part).
I'm also a very high-contact person with the people I feel close to (reinforcing that I think it's a style thing)--my three closest lady friends and I email each other many times a week, if not daily; my dad and I email allllll the time, etc. etc. Some people just need more time alone than that.
I guess the real heart of the matter is whether it's actually more contact with the ex/bestie than it is with the SO. If it's literally more, maybe that's a bit upsetting for some, but maybe it's a relief to have your SO offload some of their need to communicate with someone else. It also depends on the nature of the contact. If it's "look at this crazy article about tiny chameleons! THEIR LITTLE BUGEYES!!!" that's different from "let me spill all my feelings to you every day forever." Is how I feel, anyway.
@whateverlolawants I often talk to my sister/bestie more than my boyfriend. It's just... different kinds of contact. And I've known them longer, y'know?
@teffodee Annnnd it just occurred to me how awful that sounds. And I talk about more important issues with my gentleman, I just have more constant contact with my bestie/sisters. Because they have gchat.
@miwome Tiny chameleons! Their little bug eyes!!!
@miwome I talk to my bestie every day. As in, if I haven't had at least one text from her, I worry that she's dead. Most work days we chat or email the whole day. We know each other's brains. When she found out she was preggers, right after she told her partner, he said 'have you told Craftastrophies yet?'
I only see my boyfriend once a week, usually for a day and a half on the weekend. I would like this to be more, but he has his kids during the week. We usually email a couple times a day, send each other links to things, say hi and I love you, etc. But if I didn't hear from him for two days I would just assume he was busy.
So, I definitely have more constant contact with my bestie, and emailing every day doesn't seem weird to me - the sexual/romantic history maybe makes it different, but maybe not. I feel like when you get older, your friends you've had a long time get more and more precious and you need them to remind you of who you used to be. That said, I wouldn't hang out with my bestie for 24 hours straight. My boy is the only person I am ever ok with doing that with.
@Craftastrophies thanks for the answers y'all! I know there's probably quite a large range and I just wonder where people lie on it.
Perhaps since I am single and it's not currently an issue for me, I'm talking out of my hypocritical ass, but I feel like so many problems like LW#1's would be solved by being monogamish? I feel like I read this question over and over again, in so many different advice columns (I read a lot of them, its an addiction) and the answer is almost always break up with the person you love, or never bone another person again. It makes me sad that those are the only options.
I've never really had a wandering boner, so it wouldn't even be an issue for me, but I'd much rather work something out with my partner than have an otherwise awesome relationship be dismantled for the ability to tap randos. Idk.
@Bitterblue I have been listening to those same Savage Love podcasts and yes, monogamish is valid. HOWEVER. Just having that conversation can sometimes lead to a break-up in that, if you're the other party and you only want to be monogamist, and the deal when you got together was monogamy, then you have to bear the very real possibility that you either submit to a new agreement that makes you uncomfortable or say goodbye to your partner.
I do think that "monogamish" is a good possibility to explore if you feel that the only two options for you are a) stay in a relationship where you're allowed to sleep with other people or b) break-up, because there is no way for you to be happy in a strictly monogamist relationship. But if you're somewhere in between, I agree with Queer Chick's analysis: do some soul-searching about what could be gained versus what could be lost.
I say this as someone who has listened to a lot of Dan Savage with her partner. It's been liberating, but I come away from it thinking monogamish would be too painful for me.
@ladyfriend@twitter Yes, I just think it offers a third option, one which often isn't even offered, or considered.
I've never had to try it, or even consider it outside of the abstract, so I don't really know how I'd react, if I had to have that conversation with a lover.
I've never experienced difficulties with monogamy, or even particularly lusting after real-world people, so I don't think I would be the one to bring it up in a relationship; however, if I knew my partner were having these kinds of thoughts, but didn't bring them up with me, I'd be deeply pained. These are the kinds of things you should talk about with the person involved -- they need to be involved with this choice, whether the choice is break up, stay together monogamously, or open the relationship. I've *had* a person just unilaterally decide to break up with me, out of the blue, because of these kinds of problems, and it hurt like fucking hell -- not just the betrayal, but the implication that I couldn't be talked to like a reasonable adult about these kinds of things, but must be protected from their fears/concerns, like a child.
...Maybe I have issues.
@Bitterblue No, I get why that part would hurt the most. It implies a weird kind of lack of trust. It makes you wonder what they were REALLY thinking and feeling the whole time, because what else didn't they bring themselves to talk to you about? Just because it comes from a place of good intentions doesn't mean it's not painful.
@Bitterblue Yup. I rolled my eyes at this part of the letter: "I know for sure the open relationship/threesome route is a no-go, certainly not this far along in our monogamy." It suggests that those other options are little stopping points before entering a Real relationship, which is by definition Monogamous.
@Bitterblue I agree. I have learned that I am much more upset by emotional than physical cheating. I can work through a partner who has slept with someone else, but if there is an emotional bond with another person, the relationship is unsalvageable. The same goes for hiding things from me, whatever the motivation. To me, a good relationship is built on mutual trust and honesty. I would be devastated if a partner was having such serious doubts about our relationship and chose to hide them.
@Sarah Rain I know! I think so many of the problems people encounter in modern relationships occur because people don't want to envision a successful, healthy relationship that occurs outside the bounds of "traditional" monogamy.
@Sarah Rain But it might be! I mean, LW might just mean, for her, for their particular monogamy.
I am way less monogamous than my partner, in general. I have not ever been remotely jealous of any of my partners, ever, and while I prefer monogamy it's mostly because I have trust/intimacy issues and am an introvert, so dealing with more than one person makes me tired and anxious. I've been in polysexual relationships, and that was fine, though. But lately I was talking a bit about missing ladies, and he said he was thinking about it and would hypothetically not object to maybe including another person or two in our relationship, at some point, maybe. And I had a panic attack and almost threw up. This reaction might change, but what I'm saying is, sometimes some relationships have their integrity ruined by being monogamish or poly or whatever. Some don't, and that's great, but it doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship is not strong enough to withstand it. It's just about the particular way it's built. I think the thing that made me panic was that what I want the most from my romantic relationship is to be sharing a story and a reality. That is a lot harder with more than one other person. That might change for me, and it might change for LW1, but it's the same thing as the whole having sex too early ruins a relationship thing. Most of the time that's bollocks, but sometimes it throws the sex/romance balance off and breaks things.
@Bitterblue I am glad you brought this up. I think that it's great that now people are getting more open with the idea of making their own personal rules, and the whole idea of monogamish is great. But! I've also noticed that sometimes the way the monogamish camp expresses itself it's as if they believe that their way is the best way, the right way, in a similar way to the hetero marriage promoters. Dan Savage and his crew are all, "look science says being with lots of partners is our biological destiny, and the only true way to be happy!"
I have a concern that there's something misleading about that line of thought. If you listen to Dan Savage you'd get the impression that everyone is secretly open and flexible (he often makes the point that because it's not socially acceptable, it's not accurately counted)and kinky. I like that he wants us to be more open to that, but also I worry that his line of thought maybe pushes some people to feel like they HAVE to try all the colors of the rainbow, in search of a perfect relationship option. I think the true reality maybe is, "there is no perfectible option. Life is messy like that." I think the reason some form of monogamy has been around for a long time in a lot of cultures is because all human relationships are complex, and when you have permission to have multiple partners you multiply that complexity. A queer chick has it right when she says that you have tradeoffs in a relationship, and it's about making peace or not with them. Being non mongamish might solve one problem only to make a new one.
@Bitterblue I dunno, LW1 could have been referring to her own relationship. I think most 'pinners are open-minded enough not to intentionally make sweeping statements implying certain lifestyles (100% pure monogamy) are non-negotiable for everyone, so it could very well be a personal thing within that unit (or she herself knowing her lady's opinion on such matters).
I'm good friends with both my college boyfriend and a girl I briefly dated. No lingering sexual tension (well, sometimes I wonder about one of them still being attracted to me, but it hasn't interfered with our friendship, so... so far so good?) I wouldn't be willing to end those friendships for my current boyfriend or anyone else, unless the nature of the friendships actually did change and started bubbling up with sexual tension or something unpleasant. Thankfully, the bf hasn't indicated wanting me to end them.
Depending on the nature of the friendship, it could indicate the person is actually really good at preserving connections, relating to others, and adapting. Or it could mean they have a weird co-dependent lingering relationship that could blow up like Bob and Eli.
LW2, the thing you seem to be missing here is that the grandma is really in the best position to teach your nieces and nephews to question their parents' homophobic ways. I don't think there's any need to pull them aside and tell them Gay Is OK when they have a healthy example right in their family who can advocate for herself. I think the best thing you can do is set an example as a supportive friend of the LGBT community and refuse to engage in the parents' homophobia, but aside from that, I think you should let grandma handle her relationship with her grandkids.
@christonacracker Yeah, absolutely. A kid in high school can definitely make up his or her own mind who is in the wrong in that situation. (And, you know, ideally realize that it is mom who is in the wrong, not grandma.)
@christonacracker I wish LW would have gone into a little more detail about the nature of the MIL, because she specifically said she and her SIL were "two soldiers in the never-ending fight against [her MIL]." This implies that the MIL is highly unpleasant/difficult in some way? So I just don't know how exactly what you're suggesting (which I agree would be ideal!) would play out in the actual situation, because I don't know what the deal is with the MIL.
LW! Are you out there? Feel like sharing?
@miwome Just to clarify, I think they are in a never-ending fight against their shared MIL - ie the mother of both their husbands. While the lesbian mother is actually the SIL's mother. (Who the LW has never met.)
So, no need to worry!
@christonacracker I don't know, I think the more quiet advocates kids have, the better. I mean, I had plenty of strong lesbian role models in my life and I didn't work out I was queer until I was nearly 20, because I knew I wasn't a lesbian, so I must be straight, right? And sometimes it's good to know that straight people are on your side too, you don't have to pick one group of people or the other.
And, just generally, I think it's good for kids that age to learn that not all the adults in their life agree on things. Especially things like this, where people get riled up. That there is a middle ground, and people you like and respect (I'm assuming) can disagree on major issues.
LW1: Consider speaking to your partner, the person who supposedly loves you and cares about your happiness, about your interest in men. Not in a, "I'm about to ditch you so I can get with a weiner" way. Maybe ask her if she ever fantasizes about men? Tell her you do? Having it out in the open doesn't necessarily mean that you're leaving and it might diffuse some of your anxiety.
LW2: I think you have a right and responsibility to contradict your SIL when she disparages gay people in front of your children. It doesn't have to be all angrily confrontational, but a firm "I" statement like, "Hey, I think gay people are fine. I'd like to see them treated respectfully, especially in front of my kids."
@laurel Yes! My first thought was "Does LW2's kids know she's queer-friendly if she doesn't speak up?" Even if LW2 doesn't have the nerve to correct her SIL in person, if anything EVER comes up in front of LW2's kids, I'd recommend she have at least one talk about it on the drive/walk home: "[SIL] has some opinions I don't agree with. It's hard for me to correct her, because she's my sister-in-law, but I really don't like that she's homophobic."
@laurel You are absolutely correct, but LW2 doesn't have kids yet. I think she wants to speak up for her own opinions and also let her niece and nephew know that she doesn't agree with SIL, and that there's nothing wrong with grandma. I disagree with the idea that the parents are free to teach their kids homophobia. LGBT teens are committing suicide because of people's ignorance. Just as it's wrong to teach kids racism, that torturing animals is ok, etc.
I've been in LW2's situation and I have no problem voicing my disagreement on the subject, but I tend to be confrontational. I'd just hate to think if any of my nieces and nephews grow up to be gay that they'd feel like there's something wrong with them and they have no place to turn.
@Slapfight Ohhhhh I misread it and thought I saw somewhere that LW2 had kids.
@SarahP Me too. ♪Nevermind!♫
@laurel No, it's a good point regardless. It would be easier for her to speak up if she had her own kids. Ugh. I feel bad for the SIL's kids and grandma.
I love the notes! How did you make that magic?
@Slapfight Copy and paste
/hangs head in shame
@laurel This is why we need an Ask An HTML Whiz column.
@laurel No way! It's till awesome! And yes to an Ask an HTML Whiz column.
At the risk of making myself unpopular, I'd like to offer another perspective regarding the "not ready to settle down with my awesome partner because I'm curious about sex with women/men" problem that keeps coming up.
I had several long-term relationships with men, and whenever it started getting serious, I'd think "I really don't want to settle down without having had sex with a woman". My last male ex was (is) a really great dude, but despite his awesomeness that was still in the back of my mind when I was with him. I'd never feel interested in men other than the one I was dating, but I'd maintain an attraction to women throughout my relationships.
Now I've slept with a couple of women, and have an amazing girlfriend. And for me, it's a million times better than it was with men. Even if things don't work out between the two of us, the odds of my ever sleeping with a man again are slim to nil. And while I still appreciate pretty people on an aesthetic basis, I don't experience sexual desire for anyone else, including women I would have slept with before my girlfriend and I got together. So whenever people talk about being consumed with doubt (as opposed to just idle curiosity about what sex with people with an unfamiliar set of genitalia would be like, which I think even monosexual [ie; exclusively straight or gay] people experience once in awhile), I wonder if their brains are trying to tell them something. LW 1: If you find yourself exclusively attracted to men these days (as opposed to just occasionally attracted to people other than your girlfriend)...well, sexuality can be fluid, and maybe that means something.
I don't want to make anyone's decision harder! If you really love your partner and this is just a curiosity thing about the road not taken or just a thing you fantasize about but aren't sure you'd really like, don't fuck up a happy relationship over it! Like A Queer Chick says: men really aren't that great (though there are pretty decent dudes out there); and happy relationships aren't as easy to find as one might hope.
I agree with all you say, Quinn A@twitter, (and WHEW, so glad you wound up happy/fulfilled etc.) but I must disagree on just one point, which is that if you are a straight woman, men really *are* that great. Blindingly, insanity-makingly heartbreakingly great.
@barnhouse: YES. Thanks for saying that better than I ever could.
@barnhouse Addendum: If you are a straight women, some men are that great. And some men aren't. Just like if you're a lesbian woman, some women are that great, and some aren't.
LW1: This is why young relationships fail so often. It is incredibly rare to succeed when you devote your life and sexuality to one other person before you even know what you want out of life, let alone out of sex - and no, you certainly do not know what you will want at 50 when you're 18, 21, 25, etc. Hell, most people don't realize just how much they will change over the years. I'm talking 180 degree spins on well-adored values and beliefs. I'm only 26 and every day I'm reminded of how different I've become over the last few years. It's INSANE to me.
I got married at 22, which is obscenely young, and if my husband and I hadn't by chance and luck (or even fate) had identical values with regards to monogamy, we never ever would have succeeded. And our attitudes on this will likely change over the years, but we've discussed at length what will happen in that event. If you marry or tie yourself down while young and inexperienced, be prepared for a whole lot of heartache if you can't learn to sanely, logically and healthily deal with some shade of non-monogamy, even if it's a version of "let's take a break and fuck other people and get it out of our systems".
At any rate, wanting to fuck other people in no way means you disrepect your partner. It does not mean you don't love them. It's okay to have impulses and it's okay to discuss breaking the mold.
tl;dr: humans are serial monogamists - no matter how much we try to fight it, our brains will betray our values someday. Best to know your plan of attack early.
@charizard I got married when I was 21. My husband and I are still married ten years later, but a year ago I suggested non-monogamy. Luckily, he's gone along with it. But I definitely acknowledge that I'm pretty lucky to have someone who'd be open to that.
I'm just here to register my shock that no one mentioned LW1's awesome herb puns in the opening of her question.
@nonvolleyball ! I had skimmed over it! It is indeed awesome!
@SarahP phew! I just appreciate that the Hairpin is such a pun-friendly space.
@nonvolleyball I only just noticed it a few seconds ago and was speechless with the awesome. I think she should win LW of the month for it, or something. Maybe a plaque?
@Bitterblue I really enjoyed the spin on swearing-in (the dude, the whole dude and nothing but the dude, so help me god). I feel like her brain works in the same jumpy, associative way that mine does.
LW3 - It totally depends on the individual. My BFF from high school's wife is best friends with her ex, who stood as their Best Woman at their wedding. The two of them (the friends) used to hang out almost every day, and now that my BFF and her wife live in a different city, the former-exes-now-friends call each other and leave each other awesome facebook messages. It upsets no one.
And do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want you to be friends with your best friend? No.
Also, when I'm looking at potential partners, people who don't get along with any of their exes are off the list for me. There have to be others with similar criteria!
@SarahP another good point! people who are all "damn my ex is so crazy!" total red flag
...
i mean this seriously and non-ironically, and yet.
@SarahP I agree and disagree. Sometimes it's best for people not to have contact with their exes, and it's not so much "my ex is crazy!" as, "my ex and I in contact makes us both crazy!" In those cases the more adult thing to do is to just let that person out of your life.
@franceschances Yes, but a pattern, I get worried about their choices, and what it says about me that they chose me.
@SarahP Definitely fair enough!
@SarahP I have to say it all depends. I'm not friends with any of my exes. If I ever see them out and about, I'm cordial for sure, But I personally have no desire to have that person in my life anymore. I just feel like after having a relationship of that nature, there is just no place for that person in my life anymore. I don't mind if a gf wants to be friends with an ex, as long as it's not creepy, which sometimes it can be. But for me, I just don't have the want to continue talking to that person.
Re LW1, I think it's very much a compliment to AQC that she keeps getting letters like this. I can't think of many other people who could respond with such grace.
LW2: When my cousin started living as a woman, another cousin's wife went on for a few weeks about how her children would never be allowed around someone like that. But then, about six months later, she got over it. So sometimes it works out if you give it time? Perhaps that's not your case, though.
I don't think LW2 should have to name a specific awesome gay friend in order to show that she's queer-friendly. That seems a lot like entertaining the homophobic point of view (Yeah, MOST gays are weird, but MY FRIEND JULIE IS AWESOME.) See also: But I have lots of black friends.
@klibberfish And honestly, I think Julie is actually pretty weird. Do you know that she purposefully burns her popcorn? Freak.
@Decca JULIE is the one doing that?! She told me it was Claire. Also on the Julie "cons" list now: Liar.
@klibberfish Yeah, I thought that part was a little weird. I like the "I disagree; there's nothing wrong with being gay" idea better.
@Decca Yeah, Julie is totally weird. Why are you asking me if your haircut looks like a mom haircut, Julie? YOU ARE A MOM.
For what it's worth, I'm sure there are a lot of straight, engaged, monogamous women who keenly regret never having been the filling of a dude sandwich, having never hooked up with a guy willing to go beyond, er, open face (? aaah strained metaphor), who are generally happy and fulfilled in their relationships.
@MollyculeTheory Sex sandwich metaphor is my favorite metaphor. I like ham sandwiches! (Am I admitting to bestiality?)
@figwiggin I think you might be admitting that you want to fuck/be fucked by bread?
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher D: THE CRUMMMBBBS
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher If we're talking about an oven-fresh loaf, I wouldn't kick it out of bed.
@MollyculeTheory the sex sandwich! i consider it the final frontier. someday guys, someday.
Another unexplored dimension of LW2's issue: Might the homophobia have more to do with SIL's mommy issues? For example, did SIL's mother leave SIL's father for a woman? etc.
None of this should matter, of course. Homophobia is wrong, and to not be able to separate mommy issues from the values you teach your kids is sick. But it's something LW2 should perhaps consider when confronting the fact that in so many other ways, her SIL seems like a kindred spirit.
I do like Queer Chick's advice about saying something quick, then changing the subject. An aloof pro-gay statement (versus a full-out criticism of SIL's parenting choices) will, if nothing else, make LW2 feel less complicit in/accepting of SIL's homophobia.
@ladyfriend@twitter "in so many other ways, her SIL seems like a kindred spirit." Agreed, I feel like, and maybe I am not cynical enough on this, that perhaps SIL is not a lost cause. I have hopes for a family member of mine who will say religion-based homophobic things but I hope/believe that in her heart she will come around and realize that church is not always right.
@iceberg although to be fair to said family member she accepts my gay relative's partner/s and invites them to family things and is nice and not rude to them because regardless of her beliefs she loves that person. And would never say the homophobic things in front of that relative's kids.
@iceberg If Dick Cheney can....
I think the advice given regarding LW2 was totally solid, but I just have to say I had to read the letter three times before I fully understood and accepted that SIL was saying those things about her own mother and not their mutual MIL, and that shit is seriously COLD. Like, "C-C-C-Cold-hearted - Oooh Ah Ah" style. I understand there are probably underlying "my whole heteronormative nuclear family childhood was a sham" things going on as mentioned in comments above, but still. BRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
If she's bigoted toward her own mother, proceed with caution in all things with this woman, and heed Paula Abdul's recommendation to not play the fool around Cold-Hearted snakes, girl.
@HeyThatsMyBike Hey, some people mothers started it. 'Mother' (and 'Father' for that matter) aren't sacred positions for everybody.
Although, guys being guys, it could be that LW2's husband and his brother just NEVER TALK a bout the issue. . .it might be worthwhile for her to ask her husband how he and his more-conservative bro deal with the question. This could point up a productive way for her to deal with SIL on the issue and preserve family harmony, as has been done between the brothers. I'm guessing it's more likely a dead end, but worth a shot.
LW #1 - When I first started reading your letter, I was a little scared it was secretly coming from my girlfriend, as she's in a similar place to you in terms of relationship experience and I've been nervous that she will eventually leave me to sew her wild oats. Here's the thing - I would definitely want to hear from her if she was feeling the way that you do. Better to have that conversation so we can problem-solve the situation as partners than to just get broken up with out of nowhere. If she does break up with you just for bringing the subject up in conversation (as ladyfriend@twitter suggested above), she's not a very good girlfriend or a good communicator.
Regarding LW #2 - What does it mean to be queer-friendly, if you can't talk to someone you are practically BFF with about how they are anti-queer?
And also, let's talk about this "non-confrontational" thing. I'd like to know how LW #2 got to be "non-confrontational," and why (whether) it is a virtue? If someone said, "well, i often don't speak my mind" or "i don't like to disagree with people who express bigoted views because it makes me uncomfortable", wouldn't Hairpin commenters and A Queer Chick challenge her on that disempowered and unprincipled stance?
I think it's time for LW 2 to get a little more confrontational, maybe starting by confronting her own privilege -- her ability to claim queer friendliness while letting such a close friend say homophobic shit.
@homework I don't understand it either. If someone's saying ignorant, hurtful things in my presence, I have no problem shutting it down. Just because people disagree on something doesn't mean it's going to ruin the family and make everyone hate each other forever. Lady needs to say her piece.
@homework I don't understand it either. If someone's saying ignorant, hurtful things in my presence, I have no problem shutting it down. Just because people disagree on something doesn't mean it's going to ruin the family and make everyone hate each other forever. Lady needs to say her piece.
Okay, I'm never late to the game here (as usual), but I'm just going to come (heh) right out and say it: When my wonderful, gorgeous, amazing boyfriend is going down on me, about 90% of the time, the thing that pushes me over the orgasm ledge is fantasizing about a woman going down on me. There, I said it out loud. Oh, and also, I think about having lady-sex probably 14,000 times a day. But I won't leave my boyfriend because he's IT, man. He is THE ONE. He is THE PERSON for me, not just the dude for me. I've struggled with this whole thing, LW1, for a long time. Questioning my choices, thinking I'm making a mistake. But A Queer Chick is right: It's all about determining if your partner is making you happy, and whether you feel you'd be better off leaving them and finding out what this dude-sex is everyone's talking about these days. And I came to the conclusion that I'm happy, and no one gets me like he does, so I'm not leaving to find out if something better is out there. Why would I? Anyway, I hope you make a decision that makes you happy and fulfills your every little heart's desire, whatever that may be.
Ugh, I knew I wasn't finished with this. I get so angry when I hear about people feeling like they need to keep their mouths shut about issue they feel important about but don't want to step on toes. I DO IT, TOO. But it's so unfair, isn't? Homophobic SIL gets to say whatever she wants about homosexuality, but you have to keep your mouth shut? I've experienced it with my own family. They talk crazy, racist, homophobic shit CONSTANTLY, but I'M the one who is expected to keep my opinion to myself? I think AQC advice was just exactly right.