Two things usually hold people back from doing what they want: fear and not knowing where to start. The first disappears once you figure out the second. So, here’s where to start.
1) Figure out if what you think you want is really what you want.
Sometimes the thing that’s keeping you from moving forward is that you don’t really want the thing you think you want, you just want one aspect of it. Say you’ve decided you want a new job. You need to ask yourself why you want a new job. Is it because you want more money? In that case, you might be better off asking for a raise or a promotion or a transfer to another department — it’s a much easier and faster way to reach that goal than trying to start again at a new company. Thinking about applying to grad school? Why? Is it because you’re not happy with what you’re doing now and you don’t know what to do next? If so, you could save yourself a couple of years and tens of thousands of dollars by trying a new job on the side, or spending a couple of weeks talking to people in other careers, or joining a band or taking up tennis — all good ways to find something you’re passionate about, and all free.
Once you figure out what it is you actually want, you’ll feel much more motivated and less conflicted about going after it.
2) Ditch your friends.
It’s really, really hard to get motivated when everyone you know just goes home from work and turns on the TV. Energy and inspiration are catching — if you’re trying to start a new project, you need to get new friends, people who are already motivated and working on cool stuff. It’s very easy to just go along with what you’ve always done, meeting people to drink beer or watch '80s movies, and watching time slide by while nothing changes. Want to change your life? Change your friends. Look for people who intimidate you slightly — you’ll work harder to try to impress them. This leads right into…
3) Make friends with (or at least contact) the people you envy.
Then ask them how they did what they did — how did you get that job? How did you take six months off work? How did you get your photos into that exhibit? Where did you find that delightful boyfriend? People love to talk about themselves, and flattery, even when it’s obvious, still works. Find someone who has what you want and listen to what they have to say. (If you’re trying to get into the same line of work as this person, contacting them can also pay dividends later on because they can refer you to other people.)
4) Start small. Start tiny!
Can you start your own Etsy business tomorrow? Well, theoretically you could, but practically — probably not. But can you send an email to family and friends asking for honest feedback on the hats and scarves you’ve knitted and gifted over the years? Yes. One of the most useful pieces of productivity advice ever given is to break every project down into the smallest possible “actionable” items. So, “get new job” becomes “call Sarah for the email address of the HR person at her company.” Getting new job: difficult. Calling Sarah: easy. Then figure out the next (small) step. Take it. Repeat.
5) Don’t wait for other people.
If you’re waiting until a friend has enough time to join you in that business idea, or for your boyfriend to save enough money for a down payment, or even for that HR person to reply to your email, stop. Don’t wait at all, because you could easily be waiting forever, and you’ll have wasted all that time. Just pick something small (see point 4, above), and do it. Success depends on you! No, seriously. It does.
6) Threaten yourself with humiliation.
There are a lot of websites where people trying to lose weight can post their goals, the results of their daily weigh-ins, every detail of the meals they eat, etc. This helps them to stay on their diets because, for them, the fear of everyone seeing them fail is an effective way to lose weight. This can be applied to almost anything. All you have to do is tell everyone you know what you’re trying to accomplish. “I’m going to have a new job by June.” “I’m designing my own website.” “I’m saving money to go diving in Thailand.” Now, imagine how you’ll feel every time someone asks how your project is going and you have to tell them you haven’t done anything. Embarrassment is a great motivator. Use it to your advantage!
7) Use Dutch courage, not real courage.
There’s been tons of talk recently on how being sleepy or drunk can increase your creative output, but getting drunk is actually best for eliminating self-doubt. In the same way that you’ll find yourself chatting away to strangers in a bar after a few drinks, having a couple of glasses of wine makes it much easier to get started on that one scary task that’s stopping you from making progress on your goals. Having a cocktail or two keeps the second-guessing to a minimum, and gives you the impetus you need to hit “send” on that email asking for a meeting or to pick up the phone to follow up after an interview. Everyone’s tolerance level is different, but as a general rule one drink is too few and four is too many. The perfect combination of courage and coherence kicks in around the two or three drink mark.
8) Think about what will happen if you don’t.
Imagine your life in five years if you don’t get that new job, write that book proposal, take that trip. You’ll be exactly where you are now, but five years older. Disappointed? Depressed? Scared? Good. Now get started.
Nell McShane Wulfhart writes about news and travel and currently lives in Seoul. She gets lots done. Youcanreachnell@gmail.com.
Ugh so important. So scary. So absolutely needed.
I tend to get stuck on the fantasizing and then waiting part. It's so easy to say I can't don't this until this happens first, and then when the thing it doesn't happen I just get hopelessly discouraged and despondent and let the time slip away.
Does reading count as making progress though? It counts as education and research and so that counts as progress right?
Beware though that hanging out with people you envy leads to your buying stuff like Huile prodigieuse by Nuxe because it looks so great and stylish in their bathrooms and you think it's all that's keeping you from having a glossy lifestyle like they do.
@elsbels I got a free sample of that from Birch box! I haven't really used it for anything yet. I guess it's doing a good job of making me look fancy though? Maybe it will be a decoration.
@elsbels I think the key is to hang out with people who you envy not for what they have, but who they are.
@elsbels I bought it because I loved the sample so much from Birchbox, too! It worked wonders on my patchy dry winter skin (ew, sorry) and it smells so nice and I also want to be fancy. Just wait until I use up my pump bottle of Dial lotion, dammit.
@jen325 like x1,000,000
I like to convince myself that I don't really want what I think I want, because of the fear. Circumventing the system! Ahahahaha :(
Hey, speaking of motivation, I was going to join Fitocracy, but then you need a code or something, and someone offered but I didn't follow up. I guess now is a good time! Can anyone help me out?
@Marzipan http://ftcy.co/vWO6a0 . If that doesn't work, shoot me an e-mail at lacane at gmail dot com. :)
@Are They Biting Ducks?
Thanks! That worked! So easy. Did anyone make a Hairpin group?
@Marzipan Oh, I will do that RIGHT. NOW. All the Pinners! Join Fitocracy! Come lift heavy things with us!!! I am totally obsessed with it, and want smart lady company on there.
@candybeans Ooh, would it be totally creepers to request an invite code? I need motivation to actually GO to my yoga classes.
@Bitterblue god, not at all! i love pinners and fitocracy so much, that I want to invite you ALL. this should do it.
@are they biting ducks what's your fitocracy name? let's be franz!
also, i started a Pinners group!! Can you tell my coffee just kicked in??
@Marzipan THAT is my method of motivation: convince myself not to want it anyway!
@candybeans I'm on there as LaCane, though to be honest I haven't logged anything in AGES. I guess I'll have to start up again!
@Are They Biting Ducks? you will! peer pressure. I'm candybeans, all the places.
@candybeans: Thanks for starting the Fitocracy Pinners group! All of the likes/props to you!
@candybeans Yay thank you! *dances*
@Bitterblue @RK Fire So welcome! and, all the heavy Clean/Jerks and snatches to you, RK!
@candybeans: <3 <3 <3 Thank you!
@Bitterblue Does anyone else have an invite code? I want to get in on this!!
@OhMarie: Try this: http://ftcy.co/zSkKt9. Let me know if it doesn't work!
@OhMarie plus, i think these three single codes are reusable, because that's the code that it gives me to send an email to a list of people (ie, anyone i emailed could use that same one).
@RK Fire It worked! Yay!
@RK Fire Just jumped on this train - thanks for providing the code, maybe I will finally actually do something healthy for myself for a change! Yay hairpin motivation!
@OhMarie,@highfivesforall: It seems to be working for everyone! Yay, and welcome to Fitocracy. :D
@Marzipan What is the purpose of Fitocracy? To help encourage yourself to work out?
@bangs Basically, yes. If you're the sort of person who is motivated by affirmation or grades or scoring points to do things, fitocracy gives you a chance to get an assessment in the form of points on your workouts. If you lift a 50lb weight, you get x points, but if you lift an 80lb weight, you get x+10 points. I'm the sort of person who misses getting grades SO hard, and is motivated by competition, so it works for me. Plus, you collect followers and you follow other people, so you get comments from others on your workouts (usually along the lines of, "nice job!" or, "way to go on those pushups!"). That said, if you're not a points person, there's still a lot to get out of fitocracy. I get a lot more out of the community of people than the points now. I've adopted a whole new approach to exercise than I had before from seeing various people's transformations, I've learned a lot about *how* to work out, how to utilize different training programs, how much someone of my size can do with training, etc. The people are, by and large, extremely encouraging and want their fellow members to succeed and increase in fitness. There are lots of people on there who are basically professional athletes, and who have a lot of knowledge they love to share.
So... that stuff.
@ all y'all: is it too late to ask for another code? i'm just catching up on my hairpinning & the codes above are all used up according to the site. thanks!
@Marzipan same here!
@all: I'm out of invites. :(
@Kulojam Try this link? Fitocracy invite I hope it works, I just copied the link out of the invite email.
@Bitterblue huzzah! thank you! that worked.
What about people who can't ever get past step one? I love my fiancee dearly but he drives me nearly mad with his indecision - he is absolutely crippled when it comes to making a choice. He's terribly unhappy in his job and just seems truly incapable of doing anything about it because of one set back he had years ago.
@parallel-lines I don't know how much advice I can give but seriously, that sounds like the situation I was in about a year ago - I'd had a really frustrating and somewhat traumatic set-back about four years ago and had really just given up. It took a lot of things to shake me out of it, but eventually I just gritted my teeth and started writing emails, applying for things, and making choices even if I didn't know whether or not they were right. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to change him but if he wants to do something about it, I found that forcing myself to sit down and write an email, glance over it, and then close my eyes when I sent it worked for me. A good counselor has helped a lot, too. But it's hard! Also, knowing that I hadn't missed my chance to have a successful career when I got derailed - it can seem like the longer time goes by, the less chance there is to get back on track. But it's possible! I also found that switching my context helped tremendously; I'd been living in the same city and dealing with the same people and felt really stuck. Good luck!
You could always step 2 him, said the stranger from the Internet with no stake in the success or longevity of your relationship.
@melis I step 6 him probably far a little too often...
@melis Or repeated bouts of Step 6.
I suppose getting drunk would make ditching him easier. "Listen...you. Listen. You fianceeee. Fiance. Finance. Listen. No, no, listen. I'm leaving you...because of the Internet and also this beer ismine. Not yours. You dumb olllld fiance."
@parallel-lines As someone who pretty much used to be your fiance (not really, but in a similar place as your fiance), what finally struck me was a comment a friend of mine made: "Childhood is about possibilities and options. Adulthood is about closing those options and making choices."
It sounds sort of depressing but the jist of it makes a lot of sense. He didn't mean we have stop developing interests in new art movements or never take up tennis or what have you. (God willing, we never stop exploring/learning new things!) He meant that as children our job is to throw ourselves at the world, imagine ourselves doing anything, and to see what sticks. As adults we have to make choices about what we want to stick to- this person, this career, this interest and so on. And every time we do that a bunch of other stuff will fall by the way-side- the careers we could have had, the other people we could have made love to, other skills we could have learned. It's not bad but in the process of making something we also have to let go.
When he said that, I realized my problem was really my fear of growing up. And I say that as a lady who has more or less supported herself since she was 19. Pays her bills, has a job and all that stuff. For some people (people like me) it can be very scary letting possibilities go but if you don't that's all you're left with- possibilities.
@H.E. Ladypants Yes! This is what I meant too.
@H.E. Ladypants This is awesome. He's totally open to possibilities and always willing to try new things, but I think he's really smarting over the trauma of quitting the job he hates four years ago after completing a master's degree and not being able to find another job/blowing through all his savings/going through months of demoralizing interviews/then having to crawl back to the job he hates. Changing jobs was once exciting, now it means everything could potentially fall apart and be fixed over the course of several years - everything else hinges on it. I think some people hold onto trauma a little more closely and see it as defining moments and not bumps in the road. I don't know how you really change that mindset...
@parallel-lines Yikes. That is hard! Poor, dude. That may take some time to get over.
@parallel-lines Yes - that was totally my problem. I couldn't be OK with failure and it made me terrified to risk it again. More than anything, I felt ashamed - I don't know if this is the case for your fiancee, but it was the first time for me that I didn't succeed. I'd spent college getting nothing but good feedback, then I got what seemed like a really amazing opportunity (which in retrospect I was just not ready for and I actually needed to fail in order to get to the next step of art-making). And I felt like that opportunity would be what I needed to move forward and then when it didn't work, I was devastated and didn't know where to go. It's really scary, honestly and takes a lot of re-framing of what success is and how we define ourselves.
"And - another thing, France. Ferrence. Fnancy. I licked all of your cookware. Why? 'Cause. Just 'cause. You dunn'own me. You don't. You think you do, but you have no idea.
"Licked it right up, that cookware."
@parallel-lines I think I am your boyfriend? Kindof? Well, I quit the job I hated, had everything lined up for a new-awesome start (I had a 1 year back to grad-school plan), the people where I was going for my new part-time job that was going to launch my new career loved me... blah blah blah, well, that was 8 months ago. Everything fell through with the new gig (for reasons beyond my control, I think), they never called me back and now I am now unemployed, living off my spouse, and paralyzed that "it was me" and I am thoroughly terrible at what I wanted to do. I have sent a few emails to try to get the ball going again, and am distracting myself by taking some courses, but seriously, it's freaking hard and I cry all the time and do laundry/pretend to be a housewife instead of getting my shit together. Ugh. Good luck to him.
@melis: everyone's favorite stranger from the internet
@H.E. Ladypants Holy cow, you articulated that beautifully. Thank you.
@H.E. Ladypants As already stated, this was beautifully said. I was like, "is Ladypants... A Lady?"
Also! Your excellency! I met a real-life friend of yours at a pinup last week!
@H.E. Ladypants Amazing! High-five your friend for me please.
This really is at the root of my motivation problems (well, and a heap of fear of failure). I'm sort of paralyzed by all the options and possibilities, which are often times of equal attraction to me.
I've known on some level that I just have to pick and stick with one and that no one can possibly do everything they want to in life, but I'm still dragging my feet and internally whining like a child "But whyyyyy?"
I better put reading this on my to-do list. Because I am trying to be motivated but point #1 scares the living daylights out of me.
8) And if you don't drink, grab your blankie and cross your fingers.
Must say I think #5 and #6 are not actually good advice. Threat of humiliation just displaces action onto avoiding the friends who make fun of you for not doing it. Being drunk might make you feel creative at the time, but hangovers keep the painting from getting finished. I'd have said big lifestyle cleanup = energy to do what you want to do. Success in minor things like organizing your office and getting to the gym makes bigger goals feel more possible.
Thumbs up on hanging with people who do cool things and starting small.
@noReally As a painter (artist), sometimes that fuck-it glass of wine does help. But yeah, hangovers are not productive. Moderation!
@noReally instead of #5, i do this thing where i hide all of my dreams and ambitions from the world because i am THAT afraid of possibly failing. like, i don't even tell people i've applied for jobs until i hear back one way or another. it's not really a strategy i would recommend.
@samafaye I don't tell people that I have applied for jobs. But I might tell a few people that I intend to apply for a particular job, if I feel like I am going to drag my heels about it. It's a very fine line, for me. It has to be a thing that I really truly want to do, but impulsive present-me will want to put off to later. Then it can be a helpful kick in the butt. Otherwise, it's just setting myself up for failure.
UGHHH. LIIIIIIFE.
What if you have no passionssss?
Then what?
HALP.
@JoanTition Then we form a nice little club, drink gin, and watch old movies. Deal?
@Are They Biting Ducks?
It's like you know me.
@Are They Biting Ducks? My passions ARE gin and old movies.
@Roxanne Rholes Okay then, so all we have to do is figure out how to make this into an actual profession. I wonder if there's a market for Gloria Grahame impersonators?
@Are They Biting Ducks? Invite-only art house theater with craft cocktails? Dreaaaaams.
This is damn good advice. I just need to follow it ;) Advice with careers is tough. Every generation changes and it seems like this is a pretty good tip for people in my age group. You know, the went to college-then the economy collapsed-and I can't pay back my loans group. Fun times!
I really like this and need this but whaaaat is up with step #2? I get the advice but...it's kind of shitty to assume that everyone's friends are always holding them back. My friends are some of the most inspiring people I know, it's part of why I wanted to become friends with them!
@martinipie Yeah...I agree. And the make friends with people you envy makes me feel like I'm a giant green envy monster. I have a lot of friends who are freelancers and I struggle a lot with how much free time they have and how little I have. Thus far, this has gotten me: sadness and frustration towards my own life circumstances, impatience on having to work harder to get to where I need to be, and anger that I don't have the money to do the things I'd like to do. It's really counterproductive and energy-sapping.
I'd rather have friends around that support me and love me no matter how successful I may or may not be and don't make me feel bad about myself.
@martinipie It's very YMMV. Some people get in a rut of hanging out with friends that they may not have as much in common as they used to but have lots of history and comfort, so it's hard to break out of that.
@martinipie Right. This seems like a very self-centered view of friendship. If you think of your friends as tools that either function toward your own career and life-goal advancement or don't, I suppose this is good advice. But one could argue that having a healthy and diverse social life and group of friends, regardless of whether they push you to your greatest heights, is the foundation for a life of happiness and contentment that can help you realistically cope with a career that isn't ideal.
@martinipie Yeah, I have very accomplished friends. If anything, I'm the slacker holding them back. I hope they don't ditch me.
@martinipie Seriously, agreed. My incredibly smart and inspiring friends have motivated me to do so much.
@martinipie Most of this advice seems terrible to me! It's assuming that friendships & relationships should be a means to an end. I've been around people like this before, and it SUCKS. Every interaction is calculated by how it will best benefit the interact-ees and it makes me want to stab myself in the eye. You might get lots of stuff done, but your friendships will be insincere & based on what you can offer other people. But then, I am fairly without ambition & would be pretty happy if my next 5 years look like where I am today. Maybe I'm just displacing my own fed-up-ness with certain scenes I've been a part of, but it seems to me most artistic communities suffer from the mentality of No. 2 to the detriment of everyone involved.
@aphrabean Yes, agreed, the advice to make friends with people you envy point is kind of gross. I've met those people, and they're terrible people and terrible friends who only want to be around you for what you can give them.
@thebestjasmine Exactly. Friends should be the safe place you come back to after you've thrown yourself at the world and been beaten up a bit. Or the safe place that cheers you and hugs you when you've well for yourself. They're there to love you and be loved, not to forward your career.
@thebestjasmine Yeah. I'd say, "create career relationships with people you'd like to emulate," not "make friends with people you envy."
@parallel-lines: Agreed, but I think the advice can work if you change the word "envy" to "admire."
One of the things that most changed my life was rediscovering how important it is to be friends with people you admire. That admiration may have a tablespoon of envy, but it is more about a wholesale appreciation for another person's character.
The unhappiest and most lost I have ever been was when I was friends with people I didn't much admire.
@aphrabean Hey, viewing relationships entirely from a transactional angle worked for Becky Sharp!
To be charitable, I don't think that's what this article is trying to encourage; I think you're meant to be inspired to your own greatness by your envy, not inspired to knife your so-called friends in the back and steal their thrones.
@karion "...change the word 'envy' to 'admire.'" THIS!
@karion Yes, admire. I came down to say exactly that.
@thebestjasmine And also, never make friends with people who envy YOU. It always ends bad! They will spend their lives plotting and scheming to either destroy or take away what they believe you to have that they believe they lack. Even if it isn't even a real thing.
@karion Exactly. A lot of my older friends who I live near now, they're perfectly all right people, but I fully admire very few of them. And it's depressing and makes me feel like a crappy friend, but I can't really change it. On the other hand, I have so much admiration for a lot of the friends I made in college, for all kinds of reasons (most of them aren't any more successful than my friends here), and when I think about them, I feel so grateful and proud to have friends like them. It's definitely a very different dynamic.
@jen325 Yes, and I'd maybe modify point 2 to 'if you have friends that you don't really remember why you're friends, who only complain and suck all the energy out of the room, it might be time to stop putting any effort into that friendship'. I mean, they might be go-getters in their career, but if they are negative and not supportive, this is not going to help either your mental health or your career.
I may be projecting a little. I just now got an email from the person I am thinking of when I say this, who I haven't seen for... six months, at least? Saying 'My life is boring, let's get together so I can share my boredom and have a whinge.' I am not paraphrasing, those were the actual words. No thanks? I have enough boredom of my own.
@Craftastrophies Ugh, and they thought that would make you want to get together with them?
Also, please help me with this word: "whinge". It's new to me!
@jen325 Well, she's trying to be cute, I think. But since this is the reason I no longer see her - well, that and the fact that she just forgets to reply to messages. So I guess I will too? One time I timed her - 45 minutes of whinging before a token 'so, how are you', then used my answer as a jumping off point for more whinging.
Do you really not know whinging? It's like 'whine', I guess, except more verbal. Like, a whine is what kids do when the want something, and is mostly noise, whinging is what adults do about work or the fact that they couldn't sleep or that their latte is too cold/hot. Most commonly used in the phrase 'whinging pom'. Or by Chopper.
@Craftastrophies Pom? You're killing me with your wacky Australian words! ;)
Yeah, here we don't make the distinction between whining and whinging. It's all whining.
Have you seen "The Whiners" SNL skits? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiquICTxSlc
@jen325 Slang for Englishman. From 'pomegranate', apparently, because of scurvy. Same thing as 'limey'.
I have not! I will watch it when I get home.
@Craftastrophies Cool I just learned two things: I also didn't know pomegranates had vitamin C.
i'll tell you what I want, what I really really want...
@teenie So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
@teenie Mostly I want to ziggah zay ahhh.
I would modify "ditch your friends" to "add as friends people you want to model your behavior/goals/life on." I'm friends, for instance, with a woman at work who encourages me to have a much, much healthier lifestyle than I'm used to. It's my old friends, though, the ones who really love to cook and eat and hang out, who reality-check me when I'm getting into an obsessive head-space a la my Healthy Friend.
Because, really, she is obsessive, to the point of having some really disordered behaviors. If I'd ditched my neighbor-friends who try a new, marvelous recipe once a month and invite everyone over, I'd be doing what Healthy Friend does: eating raw spinach and tuna twice a day and obsessively browsing the Pinterest food areas.
@Mingus_Thurber It's funny when "healthy" turns into very unhealthy. Not funny ha-ha, obviously.
I definitely spent about four years on step one. Sigh.
@andrea disaster DUDE. Four years is NOTHING. The four years you spent on Step 1, you were at least doing something, figuring out what you wanted to do. Imagine all those people who just push step 1 out of their minds for ten or thirty or fifty years!
Thinking, even if it doesn't lead you to action immediately, is never a bad thing.
@Mingus_Thurber You're right, and I appreciate the perspective.
This came at just the right time. And I am always afraid of telling people what I am thinking about doing/really want to do for fear of failure, but I imagine it would probably be better as a motivator.
Number 7 just bitch slapped me.
Hairpin, how are you inside my head? How did you know that this is what I've needed? <3 u!!!
i am having a hard time not resisting the idea that i should be surrounding myself with people i think are better than me. i really have a problem with the way i and i think many other people tend to compare themselves to others in terms of success, as i think that can lead to unnecessary self-worth issues (my sample size is about n=2, so...). also i want my motivation for doing something to come from within myself, because i really want to do it, not because i feel inadequate compared to someone else. i feel like i may be reading into this too much because of my personal experiences, but in general my philosophy is that it's best (for me) to learn to tolerate, then accept, then enjoy circumstances as they are rather than to constantly be in search of something better.
@lighter fluid Hmm, I think that that's a bad way to put it, though. I think surrounding yourself with people who are smart and awesome and good people, and who inspire you, is only a good thing, because it drives you to do things that you wouldn't normally do. I don't think that it's about feeling inadequate to someone else, but about feeling joy at someone else's accomplishment, and that joy can drive you.
@thebestjasmine you're right, it was not well-put. i definitely didn't mean you shouldn't have friends who are awesome, but i think they should be people who you love and who love you first and foremost, their accomplishments notwithstanding. it's the concept of using your envy of someone else to motivate you to do something that bothers me. the "feeling joy at someone else's accomplishment" thing i think is perfectly okay, but i wonder if that's usually what goes on, you know? especially with the whole "you'll work harder to impress your new friends" part of the advice. i have just seen a few people who are very close to me get caught up in really painful feelings of inadequacy after surrounding themselves with people they felt were out of their league in terms of success, even though they'd originally hoped doing so would encourage their own success. i am probably just being unnecessarily wary and doubtful, though.
@lighter fluid Oh, I agree with everything you say here. I think finding new friends that are accomplished and making friends with them because you envy them to be terrible advice, both for friendship and for life.
How timely!!! Hairpin, have you been reading my emails again?
So my dude used to live in the PNW and he loved it there and wants to move back. Which, awesome! I also would love to live there! We decided that we were definitely for real this time leaving when our lease is up in July. We even told all our friends and family that we were relocating (#5!!) as soon as we decided to do it. He's spontaneous and I'm a planner, so he's challenging me to step outside my comfort zone and I'm forcing him to be realistic and prepare for the move. But, you guys...here are the things:
-We both have jobs, and there's whisperings about a position opening up with my org that's sort of my dream job.
-We both have health insurance.
-It is SO cheap to live here (Pittsburgh) - I make PEANUTS and I can still afford to live and pay my bills and have a good time.
-When last he lived in the PNW, he was unemployed the whole time
-He makes SIGNIFICANTLY more money than I do so the onus is sort of on him to fund this adventure...and he has saved NOTHING. In fact, he's dropping a grand on a tattoo next month. Which, great! I love tattoos! It's going to be sick! But also? He's spending a grand on a tattoo!!!! Meanwhile I'm squirreling away money like some kind of money-saving squirrel.
I'm really anxious that this is going to fall apart and we're going to end up staying here and he will get resentful about it. I think these are legit concerns but I also worry that I'm doing my usual thing (over-worrying, freaking out, sticking to what's normal and easy). I can't talk to him about it because he's just so confident that everything will work out great. Where does this confidence come from? How do I get some?!
People do this all the time and it works out ok! I know that! But WHAT IF IT'S HORRIBLE? Or what if he gets his shit together and I get my dream job and he moves without me? I hate change! I can't handle this!
@tortietabbie I've moved around quite a bit so I'm not usually hesitant when it comes to that. But are you moving to the PNW without jobs and savings? I suppose it might depend on what fields you work in or would work in, and some places in the PNW might be better than others, but moving out there without work would definitely give me pause. (I've done it and would not do that again.)
@tiny dancer Sorry I realize that might have been a little negative and not helpful. I'm going through job/moving things at the moment so you know. Anyway! It seems like there's a lot going on in your comment. If your dream job might be opening up, that's huge. And if your dude would move across the country without a plan over you going for your dream job, I don't know. That sounds kind of shitty to me. Also I see that you are saving. So I guess I'd just advise to really think it through. Think about what you're willing to accept out there, in the matters of jobs, dude behavior, and general lifestyle things. What if he gets his shit together? How about what if he doesn't?
@tortietabbie I made a login just to say, if you're thinking of moving to Portland, it would probably be good for one of you to get a job first. I live here, and there are not a lot of jobs going around right now. People mostly get jobs by knowing people, and I've seen folks live here for up to a year before finding something, which often isn't what they're looking for.
@tortietabbie Hmmm! As a person who lives in (and is about to leave) the PNW, here are some thoughts for you.
1. I'm not sure what your professions are, so YMMV, but the job market here has been really tough for me (and many of my friends). I have been applying for a new job (marketing/media/writing) for over a year and got very few interviews and no job offers. I started looking for positions in Texas and got a great job offer a month later. Bam.
2. Living here is NOT the cheapest! I'm in Seattle proper, if you live in the suburbs or a smaller town, of course it will be less pricey. I'm not sure about Oregon; I think Portland is a bit cheaper than here.
3. Moving is always going to be scary, stressful, and expensive, BUT if it's something you guys reallyreallyreally want, you should find a way to make it work. And hey! Maybe it won't be as great as you hoped once you get out here, and what's the worst that can happen? You move back to Pittsburgh? There's no shame in that. And even better, hey! After some stressful times it will all work out and you'll be proud you made this leap. If you never try for something you really want, you'll always have that "what if" bug in your brain, which is TORTUROUS.
4. I would maybe have a serious talk with your dude about saving money. As someone who is in the process of moving right now, shit is EXPENSIVE! (I just spent $50 on packing boxes yesterday! ugh!)
5. As far as wondering if it's horrible, if it's something you both really want and work for together, it won't be!
GOOOOOOOOOOOD LUCK! (If you ever have Washington-related moving questions or concerns you are always free to email me, just let me know.)
@emilylouise Moving tip... if you go to certain retail stores and ask cool-seeming employees, they might hook you up with all the free cardboard boxes you could ever need. I worked at Bath and Body Works and employees were always taking boxes home for moving. Or you could look in the cardboard dumpster outside legit places (not restaurants, I'm guessing.) Maybe you need fancier boxes, so that's cool, but there are so many good quality free cardboard boxes around here it's crazy.
@whateverlolawants Totally valid suggestion. Last time I moved, I had the luxury of a month to prep and I hit up grocery stores, restaurants, sometimes clean-seeming dumpsters, etc. This time I have 5 days (for a cross-country move! yikes!) and so I was like "well, time is money" and bit the bullet at the moving supplies store.
@tortietabbie The only way I would move back to the PNW is if my partner & I both had jobs lined up, or one of had a job where we could afford to support the other indefinitely. (Not likely.) I love it out there, but when I left almost two years ago, I was working 25 hours a week as a bookkeeper, and considered myself lucky to have those hours. Portland is cheap, but not as cheap as Pittsburgh, not by a long shot, and the competition for shitty jobs is STEEP. That said, good luck! It's a wonderful place if you can find a way to support yourself.
@tortietabbie "DON'T GO TO PORTLAND!!!!!!!!!" This wise saying was once scrawled in black permanent marker on a newspaper vending machine in Austin, Texas. Unfortunately I didn't see it (actually, hear of its existence) before my ill-planned, soul-killing move to that God-forsaken city. Please pay attention to the show "Portlandia," which in its theme song proudly proclaims that it is "the city where people in their twenties go to retire." So, if you have enough retirement savings to live on for years in a semi-expensive city, have at it. Bewarned that if you go without a job lined up or a trust fund you will be doomed to living on some hippies' pet hair covered couch while you sob about your SAD-induced crippling depression and your thwarted dreams.
For the love of god if you want to move, go to where the jobs are: DC, Texas, etc. Do the research. Portland and the Pacific Northwest in general are nothing but a mirage for idealistic hipsters. Don't say you weren't warned!
@aphrabean The job thing is really true. I don't understand what's happening with their economic development strategies because there are many highly educated people there and most are working in shitty jobs (some by choice). Maybe this is evidence against Richard Florida, I don't know. And their urban growth boundary coupled with the very high demand for housing from so many moving there makes rents pretty high for a small city like that. It's not that cheap to live there.
@emilylouise are you moving to Austin? Because there's a decent chance that *I* may be moving to Austin some time this year, and I've already started filling my curio cabinet with Future Friends for when I'm in that lovely city. Transplant 'Pin Up!
@all - Thank you for the advice! I'm wary of the PNW for all the reasons mentioned. Dude is an architect, and while there's more opportunities for him in that area (firms he likes doing projects that excite him), he has yet to see a single actual job posting. So that's a concern. :/ I'm absolutely not moving if one of us (him, most likely) doesn't have a job lined up.
@KatieVenae There are jobs in Texas and DC you say...hmmmmmm...!
@candybeans Ooooh. If I feel the need to up and move sometime, I could see myself in Austin. With my awesome cousins and lots of jackelope paraphernalia and 'Pinners.
@candybeans YES! Austin, Texas population: ME! I'm starting a new job there next week and totally freaking out about how amazing it will be and how my life is changing. :)
You think you'll be moving as well? Job/school/other reason? If you came down I would totally be a Future Friend, I don't know that many people in Texas and just think about all the Arrested Development marathons we could have....!
@emilylouise Yay! I'd be moving with Ye Ol Mr.F(iance) for, like, life reasons. LA is... tiresome (for me). Austin is just a better place for us to "put down roots" (ugh, cliche) and raise a family. mr. f has cool family members there; it's a capitol city which means government jobs (i want to work for the government, i think? for some reason?); Gourdoughs is there; Artz is there; etc. All the trees! All the affordable housing! All the Future Friends! All the drinking in movie theatres!
@candybeans Yes! My new place of employment is on South Lamar, really close to Artz. LUNCH BREAKS = Eating all the ribs all the time!!!
Welllll then, in my expert opinion about your life choices, it really sounds like you should probably move to Austin, then! I lived in southern CA for a couple years and I definitely know what you mean about the tiresome aspect. Plus you're not kidding about the affordableness(?), Texas is SO SO cheap compared to anywhere I've ever lived. (Meaning, more money to buy BBQ with, and buy beers at the Drafthouse, I guess!) I can't wait!
@emilylouise Austin is awesome. I moved here in 2004 (for grad school) and have really loved it (even though I am not at all into the live music scene).
And you're right -- Austin is super cheap. If you're working in South Austin, I hereby recommend that you go find Gourdoughs, which is a food truck on south first (it used to be on south Lamar) where they put crazy toppings on donuts. It's amazing.
@tortietabbie If you're SQUIRRELing away money I know a HILL you could store it in.
@Veronica Mars is smarter than me I used to live on that hill! Alas, I had to move east for liberty!
@tortietabbie I never lived in either of those places, but I did live in a building that was on the shady side of town.
For me what is really helpful is having a clearly defined space for certain activities - I now have a studio, which is amazing, but I used to have a room in my apartment that worked the same way. I need to go to a café to work on applications and send emails and whatnot, and then I do all of my reading and research at home. I think if you're doing something creative/freelancing/not in an office it can be really difficult to separate your activities. Right now for instance, I am in my studio trying to do some writing and I am finding it almost IMPOSSIBLE (obviously).
@roadtrips I want to die right now because since breaking my macbook, I've been confined to a table in my bedroom for work...when I used to have a roll-top desk in the rarely-used dining room for the same purpose. Ugh. I despise working from home.
I think there are some good nuggets in here, but I really don't understand the threat-of-humiliation-as-motivation thing. Externalizing your motivation is not the best way to a) build true confidence in your own skills and accomplishments and b) create a sustainable, long term personal/professional path.
Also, the ditch yo friends thing is off putting. Yes cultivate positive, inspiring friendships and connections, but don't drop the people that may in fact know you best. Trust me, you will need a night or two of mindless TV and laughter with your buds.
And last, so as to not be a total Debbie Downer on this article, yes start small and don't wait. Getting over that initial momentum issue is absolutely key and will reveal energy you might not know or think you have.
Ugh, timely. But how do you figure out what you WANT is my question. I mean sure, there are things that I THINK I may like or want but is it really?
I'm not a huge fan of the surrounding yourself with people you envy advice, though I can kind of see what #3 and #5 is getting at. Maybe instead you could just say, make it clear to friends that you want a change and you're struggling with it. I'd like to think that most people who care about you and want you to be happy will be encouraging about you changing your life (I'm mostly thinking about career based changes). Friends don't have to be a source of humiliation, they can just be a source of positive motivation.
But mostly, the figuring out what you want thing is the big one.
@Gracefully and Grandly Yes. it really, really is. I think i've spent about infinity time over the past 27 years convincing myself that I don't actually want the things I want by reason of dumbness/badness, and it's just too tricky to undo all that crap thinking now that i really *need* to find out what i want.
So, yeah, psychologist pinners, what say you? Tell me what i want, dammit!
@candybeans Agreed! I'm 37 and want a career change, but what do I want to DO? I only know what I DON'T want to do. I feel like I should have my shit together by now. :(
@jen325 I put off looking for jobs most of last year because I was only looking so I didn't have to do THIS job. Which is valid, but also... do I want to just keep skipping from job to job (presuming I can)? Not really. I sort of want a career change, but do you have to have an actual career for that, first?
So now I have more of a life plan, or maybe a five year plan and a general direction. That's working out ok for me so far, but waiting is HARD. Also, planning. Also, figuring out what you want and where you want to be, let alone getting there!
@Craftastrophies It IS hard! I'm proud of you for getting to the stage where you actually have a plan. :D
So what I'm taking from this article is that my strategy of getting drunk while I'm exercising is the secret to my success.
how bout i just sit here and let opportunities magically fall in my lap.
step 1, done! step 2, i'm waiting ...
@redheaded&crazy That strategy (if you can call it a strategy) worked for me much longer than it should have. Now I don't know how to make things happen for myself!
@jen325 yep i'm calling it a strategy!
@redheaded&crazy Okay, but be careful! The longer it works for you the more helpless it makes you. I'm living proof. :(
So, I know exactly what I want, and it's to be creative and writing songs and poetry again, and then maybe then to be in a band again, but HOW DO YOU RESTART A TAP OF CREATIVITY THAT HAS DRIED UP? Anyone? The being drunk and tired thing is not helping, although it is fun. I know it dried up because I got too possessed by the job that I love, but I miss creativity as part of my identity and I don't know how to find it again. "Just get up and do it!" doesn't really work in this case because the creativity just isn't there right now. Meh.
@paddlepickle aren't you supposed to do something like spend 15 minutes a day writing something, anything, ANYTHING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ANYTHINGGG.
@paddlepickle : Don't hate me, but...both Madeline L'Engle and Ray Bradbury would tell you to just write, every day, whether or not you feel like it. Write, even if it's crap. Write, even if it's just for an hour.
Being an artist is a discipline, and it SUCKS because so often, the creative spark fizzles, but that discipline to glue your ass down until you've written or painted or sewn or sculpted, or whatevered, is what will get you though the dry patches.
(That, and are you reading interesting books? I get a LOT of my inspiration from what I read. :)
@paddlepickle I don't think most of these steps are really helpful for that! On a personal anecdote level, what helped me was sorting out stuff in the rest of my life so I had time and energy to devote to creative stuff and also finding things to inspire me. Forcing it doesn't work and creates bad art, at least for me.
@OxfordComma Yes, I agree with this! Do it even if you think it's terrible. Just getting into the habit of writing every day is getting yourself more than halfway there.
@paddlepickle
Fake it! Meaning, for now, just give yourself permission to write stuff that you may re-read later and think is just TERRIBLE, but you made the appointment with yourself, sat down, and did it. (I've been doing this and it is PAINFUL, no lie)
As someone who stops and says "I'm just not feeling creative right now", I get what you mean, but sometimes you have to accept that when you first re-open the tap a lot of crappy rusty water runs out and you have to just let it run until you see the good stuff again.
@paddlepickle I go through phases where I can't write-- too intimidating-- and I've taken to recording myself speaking instead. It's not *quite* the same, but it forces me to put my ideas into words, which gets me on the road to more concrete forms of productivity.
Also, a mentor once described one's potential for creativity as being a field that needs to lie fallow from time to time in order to continue to produce in the long term. So now I try to recognize those periods, and use them to address other aspects of my life (finances, travel plans, household stuff) that I usually put off when I'm trying to do creative work.
@paddlepickle : We believe in you! :D
@OxfordComma Don't hate you! That is really helpful! I try and just write sometimes and then I hate it and get depressed about how terrible it is and stop trying. But I guess I really do just have to fake it! Thank you!
And yes- reading books does help! I think I'm going to implement a strict 'no-TV-or-internet after work rule' so that I'm making more time to read and write and make music.
@City_Dater I hereby give myself permission to write terrible crap. THANK YOU. You are extremely right.
@redheaded&crazy You crazy kids have convinced me to start doing that, now. I tend to start just writing every day and hate it so much that I stop, but I guess writing terrible crap that will maybe someday turn back to good crap is better than not writing at all!
@paddlepickle : Attalady!!!!
@paddlepickle and comments on the hairpin don't count okay!
unless you're me, i'm totally counting them. but for you, no.
@paddlepickle I think the key is DON'T REREAD. Just write for a while. Don't dwell on what you wrote, don't try to edit it, just write. Once you're in the swing of things, then you can go back and read it, but as long as you promise yourself that if you hate it all, it's OKAY, you'll keep writing.
@paddlepickle
And thank you for the reminder that this is a universal problem! Everyone who makes anything out of the stuff in her head has to START OVER EVERY DAY and it is hard and sometimes lonely.
Here's to both of us writing some breathtaking crap this very week...
@MerelyGoodExpectations Oooh I really like that field metaphor. It makes me feel much better, because I've been viewing the fact that I haven't really been creative in a few years as a sign that my creativity is allll gone forever. . .or if it's not, a sign that I've wasted the past few years. But maybe it's just been a good, recharging sort of thing! Yay! Thank you!
@OxfordComma Just for an hour? That can be a lot to devote each day. I probably could, but a lot of folks need to start smaller. All the same, though, good advice.
@whateverlolawants: Fair enough! :)
@paddlepickle Yes do it do it! I have essentially spent the last couple of years convincing myself that this is what I need to do as well. For a long time I felt like it just wasn't "me," that it was antithetical to what I knew about myself and how I worked, but I think that was the fear talking. I am an impatient perfectionist -- I like to give up on things if I don't quickly feel that I'm doing them well. I'm also very susceptible to feeling like whatever magic fairy dust made things good in the past is GONE, GONE FOREVER, I WILL NEVER GET IT BACK, WOE IS ME, MY BEST DAYS ARE BEHIND ME. But truly I think I just forget how much real hard sweaty terrible work went into all my past creativity, and how much steaming shit I had to edit out at some point or another.
A couple of things are helping me make the tiniest of baby steps toward working regularly again. One is this Isak Dinesen quotation: "Write a little every day, without hope, without despair." Neither of those emotions helps you actually produce work. The other is this mantra: SOMETHING IS BETTER THAN NOTHING. SOMETHING IS BETTER THAN NOTHING. It's simplistic, but I find it really comforting. I was doing nothing before. Now I'm doing something. How can that not be an improvement?
I am cheering for all of you!
@paddlepickle A couple of inspirational books: The Artists Way and The Right To Write by Julia Cameron are both great. She says as soon as you wake up write out 3 pages of stream of consciousness every morning, no judgement or rereading. Also Writing Movies For Fun And Profit by Thomas Lennon and Robert Ben Garant is also great. Rule number 1: ALWAYS BE WRITING.
@Slapfight @paddlepickle This is the best thread ever. It's enormously comforting to hear that other have gone through the same dilemmas wrt creativity coming and going as I have. It's both inspirational and humbling. Good luck to everyone! Hairpin creativity exchange maybe?
Also the mantra SOMETHING IS BETTER THAN NOTHING is one that has come to me too in recent years. Seriously, nobody underestimate this mantra. Even a smudge on a page is better than a blank page
@paddlepickle A better writer than I told me once that there's no such thing as writer's block - if you have nothing to write about, write about having nothing to write about and see where that takes you. When I get stuck, I eavesdrop like a fiend and then write about what people say and I think they're saying-but-not-saying. :)
@paddlepickle Depending on what kind of creativity you're trying to re-tap, maybe you can rope your friends in? I've had a lot of success with group projects / get togethers: a glass of wine, no judgment, and an emphasis on fun and silliness... I had a standing date with some friends where we'd write in a bar together, with silly prompts and mandatory sharing and encouraging feedback, and then at the end we'd all have a few pages of *something* that we wrote, to use as a basis for something more serious, if we wanted. (When we really ramped up, sometimes we agreed on homework to bring to the next meeting.) I've had similar successes with drawing/painting/making other kinds of art. Structuring it as a fun group activity to start takes a lot of the pressure off, but it can force you to actually *do* something.
@Slapfight I read Bird by Bird ages ago, and mostly used its advice to keep me from panicking when I wrote papers the day they were due, but it has some good general writing-motivation advice, too. And is short and entertaining!
@paddlepickle I've got a different strategy to recommend. I've been doing creative work for most of my life (sometimes for a job and sometimes for pleasure), and I find that after a period of burnout or workaholism, I really need rest. There are periods where all I want to do is lie on the sofa and watch bad tv for 3 weeks straight, instead of the all-creatin'-all-the-time badassery I aspire to. It's hard not to beat myself up about not being productive in the creative realm but as I get older I see more and more that I just need those downtimes and then I come out naturally once my body and brain have recovered from overwork. It sounds like maybe you could use a recovery period where you allow yourself to rest rather than beating yourself up about what you're not doing.
@bot You guys have really, really great suggestions. This thread is so helpful. Bot, did your friends all have a specific interest in writing before? Or did some just do it for fun?
@everyone This is a good thread to be reading! I have not committed myself to the advice in this article one way or another, but "try to write every day" is sound and I've been trying to implement it for myself. I wrote 300 words today! And I'm going to try to write a little bit more tomorrow! And hopefully if I keep at it, in one to five years I will have a lesbian fantasy romance novel that needs some work but will someday be publishable. But, also, I'm still giving myself a break on the days where I'd rather watch TV than write. As so many people around here have said, giving oneself a break is underrated! Doing what you love should be fun, and making yourself do it or stressing about it when you really, really don't want to is a great way to turn fun into resentment.
@It's all happening Yes, this. And the thing is, a first draft is not SUPPOSED to be good. It's meant to be the framework you build your polished writing on to. You don't want the wooden frame of your house to be carved and ornate, you want it to be sturdy and workmanlike, so that the carved ornate stuff can go over the top. I mean, some of the stuff you write won't end up making a good frame. But just banging stuff out on the regular, whether it's useful or not, gets you in the habit and your brain in gear. And it's practice!
I don't know if it works with writing, but I find with crafting that sometimes doing something else creative will get me out of a rut/block. Doing something small and fun that has low stakes will remind me how enjoyable creating can be - and how necessary for my mental health! I don't know if the writing equivalent would be to do crafts, too, or to do some silly word game to get your fix.
@paddlepickle Hey, late response, but it was a mix. Everyone was a little toward the artsy-fartsy side of things, but we ranged from "used to really love writing all the time" to "hey, i could try that!" Aw, I miss that crew.
@everyone Guys I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I went up to my roof with a notebook last night and just scribbled out everything in my brain for 30 minutes, and I'm gonna make that a pre-bedtime tradition. And this morning before work I noodled around on my guitar a bit and sang some semi-random words that probably won't become a song, but it's something! Thanks so much for all your encouragement, it was just the push I need!
@paddlepickle That's awesome!!!
@paddlepickle : Yay, you!!!
@paddlepickle I didn't comment on this thread at the time, but it's been in my head all week, and last night I went to a coffee shop with my child. He really wanted to do some drawing, and when we got there he asked me to tell him a story. I felt that panicky breathlessness where I thought, "I have nothing to say. I have no stories inside me." So I just started talking about this gnome and a fox who were best friends and before I knew it I had been telling him a story for half an hour, stumbling over the words and grasping for plot points, but right when I needed them, they were there. It was such a good lesson in taking that leap of faith with creativity and learning to trust in my own ability to imagine and express. So good, so needed. Good luck on your creative endeavors. Keep writing and singing and doing, and the good stuff will flow!
This: "Look for people who intimidate you slightly — you’ll work harder to try to impress them."
I have always been friends with people who take my breath away with their talent, creativity, and ambition. It forces me to be better.
@OxfordComma Yes!! And it's so inspiring, too. When I see how talented my friends are it gives me a huge burst of energy to keep on keepin' on.
OH MAN I just recently started doing Step #6 and it makes me feel better that you are validating it in Hairpin post form. Except... my addendum to Step #6 is definitely try to remember that even though you want to be productive, moderation still applies! Ahem.
can we also have an article on how not to burn bridges with your past references? maybe I need to have a once a ___ calendar reminder to sit down and write catch up emails to all these people.
i am literally, i mean literally, the worst person in the world at keeping in touch with people. please, challenge me. i dare you to be worse.
@redheaded&crazy Nope, I am totally worse. I lost contact with penpals in high school because I forgot to write back -- I have also ended MYRIAD email conversations with fascinating, lovely people because I neglected to write back. I almost never answer texts in a timely manner (like, within 2-3 days is timely, for me)
...There is a reason I don't have friends, and it is because I am a terrible one.
@Bitterblue ME TOO. A friend called me weeks ago while I was driving, and I said I'd call her back later. I never did. I want to talk to her, but I keep remembering at inopportune moments like when I'm in the shower or when I'm at work commenting on the hairpin. I'm such a jerk.
I have another friend who I haven't spoken to since 4th of July 2010 because I broke plans with her because I was getting sick. For a bunch of reasons that seem stupid in hindsight, I never got back in touch with her. The more time passed, the more uncomfortable I felt about contacting her. Also, she's completely turned her life around during the past few years. She's inspiring but also intimidating because she reminds me of my own failings. I miss her, but I've got issues. :(
@Bitterblue I HAVE ALREADY ABANDONED MY PIN PAL. Not really, I am still planning on writing her back (Allison, if you see this, I have not forgotten you!), but keeping in touch is SO HARD.
Also, phones, what? Like, talking on them? SO AWKWARD. My friend-since-1993 and I had like a 30 minute phone convo not too long ago. It ended with us both congratulating ourselves/each other on being able to have a semi-normal conversation without being face-to-face.
@Veronica Mars is smarter than me Ooo are you my US Pinpal?? DO write back to me if you are as I like getting post :)
If it makes you feel any better I had to send the letter instantly on being assigned a Pinpal as I'm generally crap at keeping-in-touch stuff and knew I would forget otherwise!
@redheaded&crazy This! How?! I am SO bad at keeping in touch. Luckily I have a few friends that know this and don't take it personally, but why is it so difficult for me to just answer the damn textmessage/ e-mail/pigeon post right away? Does Facebook help with this? And @jen325: yes, the akwardness. "Hey, how are you? Sorry I didn't get back to you on that birthday invite. So...did anything exciting happen since we last talked? Ten years ago?"
@disgruntled co-worker Super awkward! Also, I'm always afraid that they'll be angry at me for not getting back to them, which makes it even harder to reach out.
@jen325 I know, right? Like, if you do contact them, they'll want talk about it? And then I won't know what to sayyyyy. Because I really don't do it on purpose. I just have to react right away, or I'll forget:S
@disgruntled co-worker Me too! It's so hard to live life as a forgetful person. FRIENDS AND FAMILY: IT'S NOT THAT WE DON'T LOVE YOU.
@jen325 I should put that on a t-shirt. Or a card. And then forget to post it, because a piece of lint distracted me (at least I can blame the ADD?).
@disgruntled co-worker Yeah, I think a t-shirt would work better. It's easy to forget about the card, but we'll have to wear the shirt sometimes (when we forget to do laundry).
I never got diagnosed with ADD, so I don't even have an excuse. Then again, they didn't know about ADD when I was a kid. If they had, I'm sure I'd have been diagnosed. ADHD-PI fits me to a T.
@jen325 I only got diagnosed with ADHD-PI (combined with Avoidant Personality Disorder, yay?) a year ago (I'm 32). It's so difficult when people think you're lazy or disinterested, when really, you're trying so very hard to keep up with work/household chores/social commitments, but failing miserably every single time. At least now I know why some of the stuff goes wrong and how to get my shit together.
So, it's never too late to get diagnosed, maybe it'll help?
@disgruntled co-worker That's a good suggestion, maybe I'll look into it. Thanks. :)
Avoidant Personality Disorder sucks, I'm sorry. I'm glad you're learning to understand yourself and how to fix the broken parts. That's what life is all about, right?
I find that just telling myself that, "I'm the kind of person who gets things done" is good motivation to actually do them.
@RocketSurgeon I could do that, but I'd never believe myself.
This is one of those articles on a subject matter WAYYYY too subjective to really apply to everyone.
Some things work for some people, other things don't. Everyone is too different to really write about this in a way that's generally helpful.
I just quit a very high paying, high profile, glamourous job that was making me CRAZY and SICK, I came home crying EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR, and I quit last week with nothing lined up. Some of this advice is very helpful, but some is not. It all depends on who you are and your circumstances. I think my worst problem is OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING OMG. I have to back off myself, and remember, "it's just life. It's not that hard."
@Zirg Yeah, agreed. My personal belief is that everyone is crazy, nobody is well-adjusted and functional at base level, and getting your shit in order is 10% common sense advice and 90% tricking your own brain with whatever system or method defeats your own special, unique, individual brand of mental pathology.
For instance, with any kind of creative thing, I can't allow myself to assign a final name to something because it's the first step to becoming more concerned with the finished thing than the process of actually making it - and then when that happens I stop working on it. But I highly doubt that DON'T EVER NAME THINGS is good advice for anyone else.
@Leon Tchotchke But what if you can't trick your brain? My brain knows it's being tricked! HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS?
@Leon Tchotchke
SO TRUE. It took years for me to figure out a successful diet plan because I had to figure out how I was self-sabotaging myself and then figure out how to sabotage my own self-sabotage. In the end, what works is "counting calories for what I eat - except snacks! I know I ate the snacks, my brain knows that I know, but I won't write it down and it doesn't count!" It's fucking weird and in anybody else it'd be an easy way to go overboard with snacks and just not lose weight, but it's been working for me. I have to pretend I didn't eat the 3 cookies, and that keeps me from eating the whole bag. Brains are fucking weird.
This is my first time commenting, and I'll start by saying that I have gotten a lot of good thinking points here recently. Usually I get really frustrated reading advice on how to do the things you want to do to make the life changes, because I have been working on it and sometimes don't want to hear the same advice over and over. The voice in my head usually goes "I KNOW, jeez, I'm working on it" like I do to my parents and other loved ones when I am fed up. This hit home, in particular the not waiting bit. I have been waiting around in a lot of ways, and as much as it has been difficult and I'm having doubts, I realize that stopping this cycle is the best thing for me right now. There are a lot of what-ifs and what-thens in life, but there are a lot more when you are depending on other things to fall in to place or if you're like me and that is all you do when you think about doing things (well, if I do this, then blah will happen, then blah blah will happen, and of course then blah blah blah will happen). There is a lot you can do by trying little pieces at a time even if something/someone else isn't ready and that might help you to realize that those things or people don't have to be ready (or in your life!). This doesn't apply if you are tricking someone into having a baby.
I think another good point is acknowledging that sometimes plans fail, and you might feel disappointed about that. Not doing something because you might be disappointed or sad is also kind of disappointing and sad. Easier said than done, but it's something to keep in mind. It's kind of like the last step, except that you have acknowledged both the good and the bad in all outcomes, thought about how the possibilities make you feel, and tried something anyway.
Having a therapist helps, and since I started seeing one I have recommended it to everyone. It's good to have an occasional unbiased sounding board. There are so many options and styles and price points that it can be accessible to anyone who wants to try. I'm just adding that because mine has helped me to try things out and is really encouraging even when they haven't worked out.
@Opos Yay therapists!!!!
Also, antidepressants! Yay for them! (Disclaimer: not pushing them on anyone, this is not the right choice for everybody, they're not a solution in and of themselves/get counseling, YMMV per dosage/med/effect doesn't even cover it, etc. etc. etc.)
@Veronica Mars is smarter than me That's the nice thing about therapists! If you find a good one (and it can take some time or just a lot of reading and searching and having a few options), they can help guide you to more information on making decisions about things like antidepressants, which may or may not be helpful for your brain.
I've seen it here before, but yeah, therapy is a great thing, in this crazy world of ours.
@redheaded&crazy : I think an automatic calendar reminder is *brilliant*. I try to keep track of birthdays, so I can at least send a "happy birthday!" email to old contacts.
@OxfordComma That's one of the great things about Facebook, I've found. The whole concept of writing on walls on birthdays and the social value of it has been fodder for another post recently, but as a reminder tool, it's great.
@whateverlolawants : I totally use it for that purpose, too!
I still can't get over this. What if the people you envy and are intimidated by turn out to be insufferable jerks?
@boyofdestiny Then you picked the wrong role models! Git you some new ones!
@boyofdestiny : I think it's more being sure that your close friends are people who push you to do and be better--through their own lives, through their actions, or through keeping you accountable in pursuing your dreams.
So this comes at a frighteningly salient moment, as I'm sitting here looking at my attempt at a PhD dissertation proposal (which more closely resembles the notes of a schizophrenic) and trying not to cry...
@cmcm I have been there! It is so scary and weird and unlike anything you've been asked to do in grad school before, right? Lots of long walks, a playlist of really cheesy songs (Defying Gravity is still the most-played track in my itunes), and some long conversations with people helped me a lot. And crying! I cried a lot! Then I eventually wrote, piece by arduous piece, a dissertation proposal, and then a dissertation, and now I don't ever have to do it again (the best dissertation is a done dissertation, and that goes for diss proposals as well). You will too!
@MerelyGoodExpectations Aww thanks!! The scariest thing is that I'm not even a PhD student yet! (I did do a masters). I'm applying to programmes in the UK and you actually have to have the dissertation proposal as part of the application. It's mental. And makes NO SENSE if they want people to do good research. Ugh. I don't know what I'm doing.
@cmcm Take heart, I did my PhD in the UK and found that (at least in my humanities program - YMMV) it was extremely rare to stick exactly to the proposal set out in the initial application. What was more important was to demonstrate that you can conceive of a possible project, and also provide enough information about your ideas and goals to be able to match with the right advisor. That relationship is key since this is the person who will help you navigate research -- especially as what you discover in the course of it will affect the scope of your diss. -- and also help you refine your dissertation into something you get done. What helped me most was talking to potential advisors about ideas beforehand, both to help with defining what I was thinking of doing, and also to see if that relationship was a good "fit."
And @MerelyGoodExpectations is totally right on! You can do it!!
@nowwhat Thanks for the pep talk! That is seriously exactly what I needed to hear right now.
I probably am over-thinking it. I should be in an okay position given that I met with a professor who's keen to work with me and basically outlined exactly what I should do for my research. Fingers crossed anyway...
@cmcm Where are you thinking of applying/what for? I'm currently mulling over a PhD and trying to screw up the courage to properly apply rather than just dancing round the edges of it. Sounds like you're in a fairly good position so stick yo your guns! :)
@moosette I'm only applying to the University of Southampton (political science) because it's the only programme with people I'm interested in working with that I haven't missed the deadline for. I've been emailing (/ casually stalking) professors at a few other unis as well in case I don't get funding this year and I guess then I'll reapply (and broaden my net) next year. eeeeeek.
@cmcm Oo good luck! My sister went to Southampton (although reading zoology, not political science) and she really enjoyed it. Fingers crossed for you!
PS I meant "stick to your guns" above, oops...
@cmcm Currently doing a PhD in the UK and the main thing about the proposal is that it sounds coherent and plausible in itself, even if you don't know how it's REALLY going to turn out (nobody does!) I hate writing research proposals, but no-one will actually make you follow them to the letter. They're a confidence-trick really. It sounds like you're going to be fine.
@cmcm (Really, I think they just make you write one to show you can string some sentences together, as anyone who's done research themselves knows it will inevitably change as you get deeper into your project and learn new things. In short: don't worry)
@nestingdoll Fuelled on by all your encouragement, I have taken Motivation Tip #7 and am two beers down and tackling this monster.
@cmcm Glad to have helped somehow :) @nestingdoll is right on about the confidence trick aspect too. Come back and let us know how it goes!
This is really kind of awful advice, especially to anyone suffering from issues of confidence and self-esteem. Ditching your support network is silly, maybe adding new friends is good. Also, threatening yourself with humiliation, encouraging envy and scaring yourself about what will happen if you don't do xyz can lead to some really negative thought cycles and just hamper people in the end. This kind of 'tough' advice might apply to some, but positive steps are probably more helpful to more people.
@Whitney@twitter Do you think that this post is discouraging you from advancing your personal goals? Also, if you foresee that your life will be great in five years if you do not chance anything... then that's pretty cool.
@Whitney@twitter I don't know, I think if they're a "support network" then they're not the kind of people you need to ditch. Some people have friends who bring them down, and some have friends that lift them up.
I think there are some nuggets of truth in this post, but they're poorly-worded.
@electric_feel I the critique is that this post uses a lot of negative stimulation instead of positive stimulation- not that doing nothing is the answer. And I can feel that.
@H.E. Ladypants That is an excellent way of summing up what was rubbing me the wrong way about this post. I'm all for motivating yourself and making changes, but a lot of the phrasing makes it seem like a recipe for a massive anxiety spiral.
@anachronistique YES anxiety spiral! "OK, I have to read 30 pages a day for the next ten days to get this done by the deadline."--->"Well, I missed yesterday, so today I have to read 33 pages"--->"What, I only have four days to read the other 270 pages? I WILL NEVER GET THIS DONE"
OK this is not a totally salient example but I passed my brain shut-off point about twenty minutes ago? I just know I am trying to say these tactics sound very anxiety-antagonizing.
I find friendships with folks whose accomplishments I envy or who intimidate me somewhat to be amazingly humanizing. Like, who knew you don't have to be 100% focused and perfect all the time to write and publish a book? And that the most stylish girl I know has a house that looks like a tornado hit it? Or that my friend with the great job and lovely wife used to have a different (bad) job and a different (bad) wife? Left to my own devises I tend to assume that success=perfection, but experience has shown me time and time again that's not the case. It's not just that my friends' accomplishments that help to motivate me, but knowing that they are also real people, with flaws and mistakes and even other fantastic qualities is a wonderful source of support and strength.
@MerelyGoodExpectations Yes, this! Following Cat Valente's tumblr is so incredibly encouraging, because it shows me that she's totally human and still kicks ass, and so maybe I can, too. Imperfections, ADD, mental illness and all.
"Thinking about applying to grad school? Why? Is it because you’re not happy with what you’re doing now and you don’t know what to do next?"
This. I am halfway through a part-time MBA program that I started because I was feeling lost about my career and was just dumped. And now I'm pretty sure it was not the right decision. What do you do when you are pretty sure you made the wrong choice? Stick it out? I feel like the answer is keep it up while trying to figure out what you really want, but there is only a finite amount of energy in me.
@LizzieFresh I applied to law school under similar circumstances--Had concluded I wanted to go, but only applied once I'd been dumped and felt a manic urge to flee the city. I probably still would've applied, but I would've been a little smarter about where I applied, and where I went, had I not been in such a state.
I have a few friends who started law school and realized that they didn't want to be there. In hindsight, I wish I could've told a couple of them to drop out earlier, so they'd be stuck with less debt, because it was clear from the get that it wasn't for them. Of course, you get stuck with some debt and no degree if you drop out, so it depends how deep you are (both in debt and the program). If it's still early, and you know you hate it, GET OUT. It's not a failure or a personality flaw (though you don't imply that it would be, of course); you realized a little late that it wasn't for you but it takes more courage to shake things up in that way than to just continue on as planned. If there's no debt, just get out. That energy will be better spent elsewhere, and you seem to know that you just aren't the MBA type.
@LizzieFresh That's me, only I've already started my career. I'm 37 and the prospect of going back to school and changing to something completely different (but as yet unknown) is terrifying.
@LizzieFresh I dropped out of (a prestigious) grad program. It was haaaard to do. I regretted those cool fun opportunities and networking and letters after my name. I felt like a failure.
But now I am so glad I did. For one thing, my debt was not too high. For another, the things I learned in that time in school were enough to keep me moderately employed in that field. Third, no one from my program has a proper job anyway. (Almost.) So although I regret the status of having completed, it wasn't the right choice for me.
I think this advice is freaking great. Many of these steps have helped me to advance in life.
For instance: I saw an ad in the newspaper for my dream job.
Me to boyfriend: Wow, this job looks amazing and right up my alley! Too bad I don't have the experience to apply.
Boyfriend: Yeah. Oh well.
Me to friend: Wow, this job looks amazing and right up my alley! Too bad I don't have the experience to apply.
Friend: Are you kidding me? Who cares? This job is PERFECT for you. You should apply ASAP!
Four years later I still hang out with the friend, I'm still in love with my dream job, and the boyfriend showed me time and again that he wasn't a motivating factor in my life.
I think that the purpose of the original post is to show that we need to take conscious efforts to surround ourselves with positive people and energy that push us in the right direction. Not 'ditch your friends' but if your friends are the kinds of people who don't encourage you to take chances, believe aiming high, and dreaming big... then you may find yourself stagnant.
Sorry, "newspaper"?
Step .5: Get to a point where you can think about Step 1 without breaking out in hives.
The friends thing couldn't be more true. Never get stuck with a group of people who want to have a two hour conversation about what they WANT to do. It's a waste of two hours. Worthwhile people will not be saying "I really want to do this." They'll be saying "Hey, want to get together on Saturday at 3 PM to DO THIS? I'll bring the ___, you bring the ____."
Was anyone else bothered by step 6? I know we are a drinky bunch around here but I've watched waaaaaaaaay too many people I cared about crash themselves against substances because they thought it made them smarter/more creative/more interesting and all they learned was how to forget how to do the work sober.
It just... no. Drinking will never make you better at anything. And depending on it to make you feel like you are is just the worst of all ideas.
@H.E. Ladypants Agreed. That tip made me crunch my face up. Yeah, booze is great for loosening up your inhibitions... and then getting you habituated to "needing a drink" to get the creative juices flowing. I think this person needs to read Valley of the Dolls.
@Mabissa This was my knee-jerk reaction. The word that went through my head was "enabler". I am reading this as to be taken literally: "have alcohol, loosen inhibitions". But as a defense for no other reason but to argue it, couldn't it also be interpreted as "something, anything that relaxes you in order to loosen inhibitions or help you 'hit send'"? Exercise? Chocolate? Herbal tea? Cat videos? Masturbation? Meditation?
@H.E. Ladypants I may or may not have made a total, absolute, insane ass of myself after having three beers the other night and saying regrettable, horrible, trashy things to the guy I was dating after he concurred that he wasn't interested in putting as much into our relationship as I was.
The slob deserved it in theory because he actually said "I'm just a picky perfectionist and you aren't perfect enough." but in actuality, the alcohol in my system made me say the stupidest garbage I think I've ever said in my life.
Why has nobody else mentioned that there are TWO STEP 5's?!
I feel like a lot of these tips are kind of bullying, and maybe would work for some people, but probably not for me. Like, kind of how some people get motivated by going to exercise classes where there are a ton of people straining away, loud music, and some angry person yelling at you? Those types of things make me want to never exercise again, but I know some people like them.
In the same way, the only way I can motivate myself to do things I'm afraid of is by telling myself the thing DOESN'T really matter, that's it's NOT a big deal, so I should just do it. Building it up to some huge thing that I can be humiliated by and thinking about how terrible my life will be in 5 years if I don't do it doesn't work at all! But if it's like, "ok, just go to this party with a bunch of people you don't know, and if you hate it you can run away and never see these people again," or, "go to this job interview just for practice, even though the job is out of your league and you know you're not going to get it, but just freaking do it just to do it," then I can go ahead and be semi-relaxed and do these things and maybe succeed at them. If it's "OMG this is your make or break opportunity and if you fail everyone will laugh at and hate you forever," there's no way I'm ever doing that thing.
@WaityKatie This is great advice, I'm going to try to implement it. Right now, my brain is all, "Aaaahhhh, you must ace your MCATs or you're going to die a failure. A FAAAAIIIILLLUUUUUREEE!"
And it would probably be better to tell myself, "Study for this test as best you can; prepare your application; take it; apply; see what happens. If it doesn't work out, you can just build a nest made out of Girl Scout Cookie Box debris and watch 30 Rock on Hulu until your eyes fall out."
@WaityKatie Yes. I tend to overthink everything, so parts of this post made me feel like this little dog: http://bit.ly/zo00wF
Paralyzed. Do not want.
Breaking everything down in little steps and making the little steps seem like they're not really a big deal, really helps me. (Cuz I'm a big ol' wuss and even baby steps scare the shit out of me) (Also, "baby steps" always reminds me of Bill Murray, and that's always a good thing) (So, I guess I'm saying I'm ambivalent towards baby steps? I don't know. Leave me alone)
(I totally dig parentheses, though)
@Passion Fruit And you can still do the nest thing even if it does work out (as a reward).
What is the opposite of empowering? Whatever it is, that's what this is to me. *SAD*
I've heard all these tips before and following them is what led me to such a fucking shame spiral for so long. I never lost weight, never felt comfortable with my social sphere, never followed my dreams, never got it together. Most importantly, the anxiety caused by these so-called motivating forces was so overwhelming that even when I DID achieve my goals, I was still miserable. The last few years I have been reprogramming myself, and on the one hand I'm not as motivated as I was before, but god I'm so much happier! Using positive reinforcements finally got me to lose weight, but more importantly it allowed me to be happy in my life regardless of my weight. I might not be working in my dream job, but reprogramming myself means that I am still pretty happy and content in my current job instead of crushing myself under self-disgust because I can't manage to send out a few resumes. In other words, I think that the best thing I did to myself was to UN-motivate myself and learn to be happier and content with my life as it stands. Doing so has made my mind so much more stable and confident, so less prone to freaking out about the little stuff, that when it comes time for me to truly pursue an important goal, I'm in a much better state to do so healthily and happily. I guess the TL;DR of this comment is: maybe you ARE too ambitious, and you need to cut yourself some slack, be happy for what you have, and figure out what you REALLY want to do - even if the answer is 'nothing at all'.
@Diana Hmmm, interesting, interesting. Can you elaborate more on your thought process about this, especially irt weight loss/body acceptance?
I tend to dig my heels in and resist when I tell myself to eat healthier, exercise, lose weight, wear something that's not yoga pants. I'd like to be different, but I feel constantly badgered by my own goals.
@Diana Oh good lord, this is the best advice. It wasn't until I sat down and started thinking about what was good about my life and what was really important in my life (trufax: there is more to life than jobs) that anything started to get better.
@Passion Fruit The thing that really helped me was accepting my body for what it was and not what I wished it was. My body is my only means of touching the universe, of living within it- and so that's pretty awesome. Once I started looking at it that way, I started getting interested in what my body could DO, as opposed to how it looked or what it was not. It can run and dance and do yoga and hug and bike and play games and that's wonderful. And it doesn't really matter to me if other people can do those things faster, better, or with more grace or panache. I've only got the one body to experience all these things and who is to tell me that I can't or shouldn't? No one! (And honestly, despite my fears, no one ever has.)
The moment that really crystalized that for me was this moment in yoga class where we were in some pose or another and I could feel my belly on my thighs- and I had quite the belly then. I started to feel a moment of revulsion but then I asked myself, "what's so bad about having a belly?"
I took a step back and asked myself what a belly means- not in terms of my body as a sex object or a failed piece of clay but really, what gets associated with bellies. Bellies, I thought, are generally associated with being good-natured, indulgent, and comforting. Being a woman with a belly isn't so bad, I thought. Those aren't such bad things.
And bam. I was a woman with a belly. And it was pretty okay.
I've lost a lot of weight since then and my belly has (mostly- I'll always be an apple) gone the way of the birds but loving it was the first step. It wasn't until I loved my body, until I accepted that it was me and not the enemy, that I wanted to take care of it. And really, no matter how many hours someone logs in at the gym or how many salads they eat, I honestly sort of believe that we can't really take care of our bodies until we love them for what they are.
/hippytalk.
@Passion Fruit God, THIS. It's so hard. But I think Ladypants is right. Accepting the body you have -- with legs that work! and eyes that see! (i assume) -- is difficult, but it's a necessary first step. And you can fake it 'til you make it. You can do things that make you feel good in and aware of your body, whether it's taking a bath, wearing a dress you like, or trying a dance or exercise class that works for you. Feeling good in your body should come first, because you can lose all the weight in the world and there will still be shit to fret over in front of the mirror. If you're only focused on what's wrong, you'll always see things that way.
@H.E. Ladypants Thank you so much for the hippytalk, I needed to hear it. I feel like I am constantly oscillating from a healthy, fat acceptance-y "What's so bad with being fat? I can still live an active, healthy life" to an unhealthy, anxious "UGGHHHH, I just need to get rid of my big belly N.O.W, then my life will finally be perfect!"
I don't know how to keep myself in a healthy mindset, especially when I have coworkers, family and friends who are often dieting/body bashing. I've spoken up for myself and my beliefs before, but I'm exhausted by negotiating these mini-confrontations and monitoring my boundaries.
I guess my second set of questions is, how do I keep thinking healthy thoughts, and how do I protect myself from other people's unhealthy ones, without, you know, having to say anything to them, (haha)? Is there some secret boundary preserving mantra that I can repeat to myself?
@H.E. Ladypants I also wanted to say that I really admire the change you made in your life by learning to love and be good to yourself. That's the dream! I salute you, Madam Ladypants, for doing the hard work.
@Stevie I love the smell, too, I rub it all over my neck when I want to smell nice.
Here's some motivation: http://exposingthetruth.info/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying/
I gotta say, it's reassuring to read here that so many people have trouble with step 1.
It took me many, many years of self-assessment to realize that I do not, in fact, want to be a performer. I want to write stories that other people can perform, and perhaps help them with their performances.
I don't mind getting on stage and risking embarrassment; I just can't stand the envy and ego that I was confronted with when I tried performing.
As for step 6, that's how addictions begin. No thank you.
DO NOT DITCH YOUR FRIENDS.
The only thing I truly regret in my quest for self-actualization is that I feel so alone. It's so incredibly hard to meet people post-college that the folks you know who share your background will be the ones who best understand you, and not just the you who does yoga/plays kickball/shares an art class.
@charizard YES. Wtf?! The other tips are pretty good, but treating friends simply as accessories to your aspirations is a terrible idea. Don't cull good friends from your life just because you want a new job, you dickbag! What kind of motivation is this – do it for yourself, by yourself, like an adult, and value the people who care for you. Imagine being ditched by friends for not being high-achieving enough. Good grief.
@charizard Thank you! I kinda hated this post, even though it has some good advice, because it sort of assumes that everyone wants to do something innovative/groundbreaking/famous-making in order to be fulfilled, when some people -- most people, actually -- JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY. And how does one get and remain generally happy? By creating and sustaining strong social bonds and personal relationships. Friends. Family. Study after study shows that the biggest quality of life factor is the number and strength of one's personal relationships. I understand that fulfillment goes beyond friendship -- that sometimes we have to push beyond our quotidien routines to try something bold and new -- but severing ties with the people who, one hopes, keep you grounded? Who give you perspective? Who make you laugh? In order to chase friends in some new dream lifestyle? That's terrible advice. (This is all assuming your friendships are healthy, not toxic or co-dependent or whatever.) Surely there is a balance between maintaining friendships and pursuing something new and different. How about: "Make new friends, but keep the old." Or: "The more we get together, the happier we'll be. 'Cos my friends are your friends and your friends are my friends." Etc. Jeez.
I so appreciate your information. Right now I'm doing whatever it takes! This information inspires me!