My husband and I were at the end of a month-long streak during which we stayed in to watch reruns of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia every weekend night. Having run out of new-to-us episodes, we decided to mix it up and venture outside. A DJ friend was spinning at a bar we could walk to from the train station, so we made our way from Oakland to San Francisco. As a bonus, we would get to meet our friend's relatively new girlfriend, who he'd been talking up big time. We forgot our umbrellas at home and had to race an approaching weather system from the train to the bar, but we made it inside just before our friend's set started.
After ordering a couple of Manberries (the drink of choice among our group of friends — mandarin vodka and cranberry juice, you can thank me later), it was time to mingle. It had been a while since we'd been out socializing, and I was among people I knew slightly enough that I didn't have to worry about damage control; in short, I was not just courting disaster, I was getting down on one knee to propose. Since these things are only clear with the benefit of hindsight, that evening I continued innocently drinking my drink and feeling clever as I decided to employ one standard ice-breaking question for the night. Hey, I was rusty. The question was admittedly self-indulgent: "Do I look cuter with glasses, or [dramatically removing glasses] without them?" (This question was inspired by an older gentleman we met on a trip to New Orleans a few months before. I wore my glasses the night that we met him, and he later sent me a Facebook message saying he'd looked through my pictures and "when [I] took [my] glasses off, [I] was actually quite pretty." He meant this as a compliment.)
As it turned out, the question was a big hit. Few things get people more excited than the opportunity to judge another person's appearance. Throw some alcohol on top and offer permission to judge you directly to your face and you have a room full of people who are willing — nay, excited — to talk with you. You might be tempted to feel smug at this point. Beware that sensation. If your life were a movie, the audience would totally recognize this as a moment of foreshadowing.
Halfway around the room (and another drink down), I came upon my friend and his girlfriend waiting in line for the one-stall bathroom. Introductions were made, followed by that awkward moment when nobody quite knows where to start the conversation. Tipsy on vodka and my own cleverness, I turned to the question of the night to rev things up again.
Our friend gave it a moment of thought and made his choice: glasses. (He also muttered something about librarians.) That out of the way, we turned to the new girlfriend, who was looking at me much more seriously than the question demanded. At that moment, the bathroom door opened; it was her turn in the ladies' room. Next thing I knew she'd grabbed me and slung me into the bathroom, already offering "helpful" suggestions to improve my appearance. I was too shocked to react; it was almost an out-of-body experience that was soon to be an out-of-clothing experience.
She dove straight into an assessment of my outfit (sweater dress, tights, and flats — basic, sure, but not at all scandalous), deemed it unflattering, and then went into full makeover mode by pulling my dress over my head and off my body. So, I was standing in a public restroom with a near-stranger in only a pair of tights and a bra. A bra that she then informed me was ill-fitting and probably the source of all my (her?) problems in that outfit. In case you were wondering, this is not a good look for anyone. But I shouldn't worry! She had ideas. She could work with what little I was giving her.
Like every other means of improving the feminine form, her fix started with bigger boobs. She grabbed a big handful of scratchy paper towels from the dispenser and advanced on my tender cleavage. Truthfully, I had never considered myself a small-busted gal, having at once point been in possession of a pretty hot set of Ds, and at the time of this incident rocking boobs that spilled over (in a good way, I thought, but maybe that's what she meant by ill-fitting) a B cup. Reaching out and yanking one boob at a time up and out of its safe little nest, she stuffed my bra with sheet after sheet of paper. Throughout the process I remember her providing tips about how I could make this kind of magic happen at home. She also lectured me on the importance of good quality undergarments. I know she gave me a bunch of other advice that I don't remember at all.
After at least 10 minutes and several angry women banging on the door, she released me. To the casual observer I emerged wearing the exact same outfit that I wore in, but let me be the first to tell you: when I came out my boobs looked AWESOME.
Epilogue: This story happened a couple years ago. As of this writing our friend and his girlfriend are living together. We have never mentioned the incident.
Elis Bradshaw lives in Oakland. She is currently accepting fashion advice.
Informed consent might have been useful in this situation . . . .
This is so terrifying. I am amazed at your composure! I just met an acquaintance's new girlfriend this weekend, and I truly think if she had reached for my wobbly bits I would not have been able to stop myself from slapping her instinctively.
@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas
Yeah, I would be horrified and probably insulted...in my head. But I think maybe I am just too timid/too eager to make friends with people that I would suck it up and deal with it. On the other hand, if someone told me I didn't look good in what I was wearing, I could probably work up enough rage to tell them off. It's weird- the insulting my outfit would probably bother me more than the molestation/gropefest.
This is why you should never cross the bay! Stay in Oakland with the rest of us homebodies.
@dk
It's true! Today is a warm beautiful day, perfect for socializing, and I'm spending it on the couch by myself. Bodily integrity status: secure.
@Diana Another reason you should never cross the bay: it is affirmatively NOT a warm beautiful day in San Francisco.
@dk East bay 4-eva!
@dk I had to go into SF today :( And now I don't want to think about the logistics of getting home.
@dk And I thought I was the only Oaklander here...
@Jane Dough If I wasn't all knocked up I'd organize a Pin-Up! But I would just be jealous of everyone else's drinks.
@dk @Jane Dough: There's a bunch of us Oaklanders. We even did a pinup last fall at Cafe Van Kleef. Check out the Google group and find out about getting on the bay area Facebook group.
@dk I totally read this as a cautionary tale about bothering to leave the east bay.
@pilcrow Yup. Except I take it to the extreme and rarely leave the boring suburbs I live near. I should maybe be a little *more* adventurous.
Terrifying, but to be fair to her, ill-fitting bra under a sweater dress is really a recipe for dumpiness. I spent years sizing women for bras, and if you're letting yourself spill out of your cups, I bet dollars to donuts you've also got a band size too tight (or too large, allowing it to slide up absurdly high) and it's going to make you look weirdly lumpy. /missing the point of this piece
@Diana taking your hijack and running: hey diana, what's a good bra/bra brand for a girl whom a B-cup just slightly eludes? i hear that brands run one way or another, but i've only ever shopped at target for these things.
asking for two friends that live on my chest
@Diana You are absolutely correct (and you can add a tights-waistband line to the whole mess). If I'd realized the penalty for frumpiness was so high, I'd have upgraded my skivvies much sooner.
@Diana The "slide up absurdly high" part just reminded me of a girl who used to sit in front of me in a college class. Apparently the class was boring because all I remember is that, while sitting behind her, I could see where on her back her bra sat and it was above the pointy part of her shoulder blades -- like maybe armpit level. Just noticing it made me feel so uncomfortable! How could she do this? And, since then, I've noticed this on A LOT of people! What is that? Too small? Too big and overcompensated by hoisting the little plastic adjuster thing? How can they all run around this way?
@Lola McClure This One!
A VS Sales Lady practically forced me to try on that bra a few months ago, after I had become dispirited at all the bras I'd already tried on that didn't fit and just wanted to go home. But she measured me and was like, you're between an A cup and a B cup and I was like, I know, nothing fits, and then she said, "Try this!" And then I did and it was amazing and now I have two and I wear them every day (one at a time, not together.)
@xx-xx-xx yesss thank you!! gonna go and pick one up after i'm done with midterms!
@Lola McClure Awesome, I hope it works out for you! And I went with the B, FWIW.
@Hellcat
That's because their band size is too big. There's enough room in the band to slide up the ribcage instead of sitting below the shoulder blades. As the bra gets older and starts to stretch out more, the band rises higher and higher. In fact MOST of the time when your band is cutting into you and raising weird bulges in your back fat, it's because your band is too BIG. But everybody assumes that their band size is too SMALL, so they go up a size and the problem just gets worse.
Remember earlier this year when we were talking about the GQ cover with Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd? I felt like I was taking crazy pills because everybody was complaining about the fact that she was wearing lingerie and he was not, but nobody was complaining about the fact that her lingerie didn't even fit! Look at the fucking band! It's nearly above her damn shoulder blades.
@Diana, @Hellcat, this just prompted me to give myself a total back feel-up on a public bus. Some weird back flexing was involved, but now I know where I stand with my bra. REST EASY DAMES, THE BRA FITS!
As an aside, the bus is stopped in front of a bra shop, as if to suggest 'now's your chance, tiny tits'.
@Diana I just looked at the picture and oh my goodness, what is she doooooooing? I think I got lucky in the bra-fit arena (that should be the name of a new shop!) and can usually pluck from the rack whatever 34B catches my fancy. However, from what I've read, I could be all sorts o' wrong!
@Hellcat Do you think they did that on purpose, like tightening the shoulder band and making it ride up all high, just so her boobs could be that much VaVoomier? Because that shit is unnatural and I can only think of the stylist saying "MOOOAAR! We need MORE!"
@LolaLaBalc Who knows -- I assume that there are many less-weird ways to enhance something like this; everyday women without access to stylists probably do boob fakeouts all the time with better results! Even moving it back down with Photoshop couldn't be that difficult, could it? And, J.A. is adorable anyway so why the craziness?
@Diana EVERY TIME a girl takes off her shirt in movies, I notice that her bra is riding too high in back. For a little while it made me worry I was the one who was wrong, but no--that's just plain uncomfortable! Every bra-fitting guide, human or print, says it should be parallel to the floor all the way around. But I think if you didn't consult bra-fitters, you'd try to model your look after what you see in pictures/movies. That's how people get it wrong.
@Diana Preach! I've always been big-busted and several years ago a friend of mine drug me in for a bra fitting that changed. my. life. Not even kidding. I went from wearing whatever the hell I could find that sort of fit me to a 34G. I looked better, my back didn't bother me as much, and I wasn't walking around readjusting my underwire all the time (not a good look). Bonus: my bra cups are roughly the size of my head and make snazzy hats after a bottle of wine or two.
@Diana Ask A Bra Fitter, please?
@Chicka Boom OMG I am definitely going to try this - in fact I can scarcely believe I haven't. Oh G.
@xx-xx-xx update: i did what i said i was gonna do, and now my boobs are perfectly supported with no gapping. thank you so much for the recc!
I was expecting the story to end with "I told my friend about what his girlfriend did. They broke up."
Aw, after having someone strip you in a bar bathroom seconds after meeting them, I would have assumed you were now bosom buddies!*
*sorry
@Megan Patterson@facebook
CFF: Chest friends forever!
@Megan Patterson@facebook I would've erased this incident from my mammary.
*reallysorry
@Megan Patterson@facebook I'm chiming in a day late to say that these breast puns need to be nipped in the bud.
@vanillawaif You might as well make the breast of the situation.
"and then went into full makeover mode by pulling my dress over my head and off my body."
I think that's the point where I'd have either face-punched her or tried to make out with her. I'm reasonably sure it's not to my credit that I'm not sure which.
@wharrgarbl I like you.
@wharrgarbl Both times I read that line (above and in your comment), I read it as "full makeout mode." So I think we know where I was at with it!
@wharrgarbl I'm glad I'm not the only one who was thinking that/ surprised it didn't go in one of those two directions.
@Abraxas Me too. Also, love your name. It corresponds to 2 of my favorite places...where's it from? Bookstore in Seattle or coffee shop in Amsterdam perhaps?
@wharrgarbl WOW, I didn't even know there was a bookstore called Abraxas Bookshop in Seattle until you commented on it. It looks like it is closed now though, which is sad because I would have liked to visit. It actually originated from a book by Herman Hesse called "Demian."
I've asked the glasses question before and it always reveals who digs the librarian look, who's reluctant to change, and who hates glasses no matter what.
But how you haven't been like, "Oh hey, remember that time when I knew you for 30 seconds and you stuffed my bra?" shows you are a better person than I am.
Does she behave normally now? Was this a one-time night of crazy for her or is your friend in love with a nut job?
@klibberfish She's actually really nice, and not at all grabby since. Could have been meeting all the friends nerves, increased by booze? I'm not going to ask.
@EB As a Shy Person, I can say that very often I have drunkenly overcompensated and skipped about seven-billion steps toward intimate friendship upon meeting a new person. Sometimes the hurdle is easier than the baby-steps.
@vanillawaif That's usually me, too. Being on the other side of the exchange for once was really surreal.
...Wow. I can't even imagine allowing someone that much inside my bubble. I'm too non-confrontational for punching, but I probably would have locked myself in a bathroom stall and refused to come out until she left.
Still! I don't care if you actually got MARRIED to Disaster, moved to the suburbs, and had 2.5 disastrous children, that doesn't mean you somehow deserved to have your clothes pulled off and your décolleté rearranged against your will. Not cool. Consent Culture! It's a thing!
@Bitterblue I can't tell you how many (friends!) and/or close acquaintances have stuck their hands down my cleavage, gave them a poke or feel,...a dear gay manfriend who likes to cover them up. Admittedly, I have some mighty boobage, but at a certain point, I just gave up feeling weird about it. Like, no one can resist their powers, so I shouldn't be offended? Feel free to make remarks as needed? Again, at least I know who is manhandling me...but ugh.
how did you get your boobies to go from Ds to Bs?! am i a totally clueless dummy? is this something that happens?
@sugarmagnolia Lose weight. It's like magick. Bad magick.
@sugarmagnolia or go off birth control, if you're me.
@sugarmagnolia It's a drawback of significant weight loss.
@sugarmagnolia You see, though, I'm torn. I lost nearly 100 pounds over the past two years and have gone from a 42C to a 34DD. My breasts are empty skin sacks that still require a big cup to contain all the skin. It sucks, but at least I can make them look dandy under clothes. I hate my boobs now, but over time the skin has been snapping back...
@charizard Empty skin sacks, nooooo! But congrats on the 100 pounds, wow!
Did you every think she might have been doing coke? At the bars I go to, you can usually explain away crazy pants with coke. Then again, at the bars I go to nobody thinks it's cute when you ask strangers how you look prettier.
That's not a dig at you, I just hang out with assholes.
@Tropical Iceland A significant possibility. But if so, she should have shared?
Something very similar once happened to me. Sub in a gay man and the actual, very fitted, shirt off his back.
I would have laughed my ass off if this had happened to me and cultivated a friendship with her. But I kind of love having a few of those high-energy, inappropriate girls around. Also, who else is going to tell you your bra doesn't fit?
Is this going to be a recurring feature?? The idea that this is just an installment in a long series of similar(?) encounters about being a grownup and meeting weirdos who are also potentially awesome excites me. Please Edith?
Was her name either Trinny or Susannah?
@disgruntled co-worker Ugh, love those two more than words.
@vanillawaif Me too! I'd be terrified meeting them, though. All that (wo)manhandling and groping!
My favorite icebreaker question is "If you didn't pluck, would you have a unibrow?" This began because I was at a wedding and my friend started insisting that ALL men have unibrows if they don't pluck them, so of course we had to survey every man at the wedding. Everyone but two people said yes, and one of them was a younger teenager! Very interesting. Tangent over.
If you are good enough friends with her now, I think that this could be a hilarious inside joke - "The first time we met, she stripped me and gave me a boob job!"
I was once at a party with one of my oldest friends, J, and a friend of hers I had just met that night, R. The party was super-boring, and we all got drunk, and somehow all ended up going to the bathroom together. Looking at all 3 of us in the mirror, I noticed we were all wearing black babydoll dresses with different detailing (this was the 90s), and were all about the same size. I had a brilliant idea - "Let's trade dresses!" So we did. And I ended up wearing R's dress home and keeping it for, like, 6 months. BUT - R and I became good friends after that and think of our dress trading as our "the first time I knew I loved you" moment.
@Bebe that is so very Rayanne Graff & Angela Chase trading shoes!
Just logged in to say that It's Always Sunny is the funniest show on television, so kudos to the author for her great taste.
Please, PLEASE stop encouraging drunken jerks to ask me, without fail, to see what I look like without glasses on or to let them try on my glasses! I always have to respond "THIS. I look like this but my eyes look smaller, okay!? If you think I'm handing your sloppy ass my $600 glasses, you're stupider than you look," and arguing with obnoxious drunk guys really kills my buzz.
@Carrie Cook@twitter Really? Nobody has ever asked me to remove my glasses, but sorry to bring up bad juju! Also, www.zennioptical.com for glasses you don't have to worry about wrecking (actual beer goggles?).