Friday, February 17, 2012


Lifetime Movie Titles: Real or Fake?

1. Baby for Sale
2. A Decent Proposal
3. Fatal Desire
4. Fatal Trust
5. Fatal Musk
6. Invisible Child
7. Imaginary Playmate
8. Making Mr. Right
9. Murder in the Hamptons
10. Murder at My Door
11. Murder Here
12. Murder There
13. Murder, Murder, Everywhere
14. My Nanny's Secret
15. My Family's Secret
16. My Secret Family
17. Secrets of the Summer House
18. Secrets in the Walls
19. Secretes in the Sheets
20. Wall of Secrets
21. The Stranger I Married
22. Stranger in Town
23. Stranger in My Bed
24. Stranger with My Face
25. Stranger Wearing Lace
26. Tell Me No Secrets
27. Tell Me No Lies
28. I Do (But I Don't)
29. Hush Little Baby
30. Don't You Cry

Fake (as of publication): 5, 11, 12, 13, 16, 19, 25, 30

Diana Vilibert lives, writes, and watches Lifetime in Brooklyn.

Photo by Mikhail Olykainen, via Shutterstock

90 Comments / Post A Comment


fatal musk will someday be the lifetime movie title of my autobiography


Katie Scarlett

@redheadedandcrazy I let out an audible "aw" when I saw that one was a fake. It was def my favorite.


I can't believe 16 is fake, and I really want 11, 12, and 13 to be a trilogy, or maybe the episode titles for a three-part miniseries.

Diana Vilibert

@wharrgarbl: 16 is probably in the making.


@Diana Vilibert Someone from Lifetime is reading this and just picked up a vase and threw it against the far wall of their office because My Secret Family is a much better title than Kate's Other Eight.


@Diana Vilibert I don't understand how there aren't at LEAST two of them. Because if reading advice columns/women's magazines has taught me nothing else, it is that there are TONS of dudes out there with secret families/girlfriends.


@Megan Patterson@facebook Well, Lifetime movies are usually way more about the women in them than the male characters, and the basic construction of the roles of 'wife' and 'mother' typically don't make female bigamy a terribly delightful prospect, so I'm guessing they're out there, but they're not Lifetime movies.


@wharrgarbl But it would be about the lady who marries the guy with the secret family? And like how their life was perfect until she discovered him or whatever. This is how these stories go in the ladies' mags.


@Megan Patterson@facebook But then it would be "His Secret Family." I mean, I can't believe it's not real because Lifetime specializes in the most ridic plots of all time, but I have to figure most any movie involving secret families that's a ripped from the headlines-type thing is going to involve a two-timing dude.

And am I the only one who wishes lady-mags' stories were a little more like the flashbacks in The Mentalist? "Everything was perfect until I found that bank statement." turns into "There was a whole lot of weird shit that I overlooked because I had no reason to suspect he was a fucking bigamist. I mean, who does that? Then I found that stupid bank statement. God, I wanted to beat him with a sack of hammers when I thought about all those extra miles on the car's odometer."

Adam Selbst@facebook


For it to be "My secret family" the show would have to be from the male perspective. Which will obviously never happen on lifetime.


@Adam Selbst@facebook I guess it could also be about a woman who finds out her father had a secret family and then they find her or something?


@wharrgarbl Guys, guys. Let's not be so sexist! Women can have secret families, too! Equality Now!

Although it would be a little confusing to try to figure out which child belongs to which family and to figure out how to explain being pregnant and delivering and not coming home with a baby to the other husband. But like, secret families full of adopted children? Totally doable. Come on, Lifetime. You are sleeping on the job!


Someone really needs to make the missing titles, especially Stranger Wearing Lace. Think of the possibilities!

Diana Vilibert

@dtowngirl: I want to star in that one.


@Diana Vilibert I think Shannen Doherty is already attached to the project.


Instead of thinking the logical "long lost twin" plot for Stranger with My Face, my first instinct was "creepy, face-wearing serial killer." I was like, "Man, Lifetime is getting pretty graphic."

Related: I watch/read waaaayyy too many serial killer shows/books.


@dtowngirl I really need to watch "Stranger with my Face." I was so convinced this was fake!


Oh wait is it "with my face" as in long-lost twins, or "with my face" as in Silence of the Lambs style wearing someone's skin?


@travelmugs It could also be "stranger with my face" as in amnesia!


@olivebee Yes. This sounds like a show on Investigation Discovery, the world's most addictive and nightmare-inducing cable channel.


Mother, I Fatally Desire My Stepteacher

Vera Knoop

@JessicaLovejoy This brought me nearly to tears.

Katie Heaney



@Katie Heaney also what I thought! that is the lifetime movie I want, no I NEED, to watch asap.


@Katie Heaney The moving and incredibly powerful story of the woman who crossed her fingers during her marriage vows.


@Katie Heaney One can buy sets of 4 Lifetime movies for 9$ on Amazon. Just saying.


@wilarseny Also, I really don't recommend the William & Kate one. It's actually too bad to be good-bad.


@wilarseny i guess i'm a bad person because i want the william & kate one to have the I Do (But I Don't) title (no I really don't ... but I kinda do)


@wilarseny Not that I know anything about this from personal experience or anything, but one can also view a rotating selection of them for freesies on hulu.

Atheist Watermelon

@wilarseny 4 for $9 on amazon? NOOOO WHY DID YOU TELL US THAT my days will now be wasted watching genuinely awful television...

Atheist Watermelon

@LittleBookofCalm btw, i must recommend Gospel of Deceit, it is the best/ worst (read: A MAZ ING) Lifetime Movie ever made. It's so awesome I even felt compelled to write a review on Hulu, which I never, ever do. Watch iiiittt


@Katie Heaney Ahh, #28 is a horrible movie! So horrible it's good? Probably not...But it's based on one of my favourite books! I Do (But I Don't) by Cara Lockwood. Spoiler alert!!!
Denise Richards + Dean Cain = horrible casting!


Secretes in the Sheets....I see what you did there.


@olivebee that third "e" makes everything worthwhile today. Ahhh it's good to laugh.


Oh, this is making me hope for a nice marathon of my old favorite Lifetime offerings that I can never not watch: A Friend to Die For (a.k.a. Death of a Cheerleader), Devil in the Flesh, and that one where bad-daughter Hilary Swank clocks Maggie Seaver in the face with a old-school cord telephone and plays a tambourine in her BF's bar band while wearing an orange Old Navy fleece (somehow tied to reveal her midriff, I do believe) and a khaki skirt.


@Hellcat AFTDF/DOAC is gold - no pun intended - because the most absurd elements are true. Sister leaves a knife in the car to eat her fruit? On record. Clearly disturbed and shaken daughter hands you a note and begs you not to read it for a while, and mother SETS A FUCKING TIMER before reading said note? You need to not get me started on this. YOU NEED TO NOT TO. (Grammatically poor title idea?)


@Hellcat my favorite Hilary Swank one is Dying to Belong where her friend dies from Sorority Hazing and Zach Morris is on the school newspaper trying to uncover the mystery with her. Classic. Also, was Swank in one about gymnastics and bulimia? Who was that/what was that movie named? Bueller?


@JessicaLovejoy YES! Thank you, thank you! Who the hell has that as a snack in a moving car? I have always been way too fixated on that part! And, maybe this is terrible of me to say, but for as much as a bitch as (my beloved) Tori was in that movie, it's not like she owed ol' Becka Thatcher her friendship!

@beanie That's a good one. I seem to prefer my Lifetime movies to contain wayward teenagers, as opposed to grown women who... overcome something. Have any of you ever seen one with Roseanne's Becky #2 in it as a reincarnated witch? It also has Punky Brewster. I tried to buy that one from Amazon and, for some reason, it was like $100!


@beanie Wait, isn't there one where Zach Morris is a rapist/college student? It was always on at 2am when I was in college (and therefore awake that late).


@Ophelia yes there is one where he is a rapist (I think her rapes Candace Cameron?) and one where he is supposed to be the slightly nerdy editor. Such range.


@beanie There's one where Kevin Arnold is an abusive boyfriend to D.J. Tanner! Also, Kevin Arnold's dad is Hilary Swank's dad in the one I mentioned. She does not hit him with a household appliance though.


@Hellcat Kevin Arnold plays a rapist/abusive guy in a lot of things! Remember the Boy Meets World episode where he's a college professor and hits on Topanga? Or the L&O: SVU episode where he is a rapist?


@meetapossum YES! And Rapey Kevin was the cause of one of my favorite SUV things ever: my celebrity BF Christopher Meloni picking up a cute little (golden retriever?) puppy and carrying him away!


Who else watched Untouchable starring Rob Lowe? Can someone please explain to me why he made this when he has a steady job on Parks & Rec?? (Besides the fact that it was amazing)


@beanie Damn it, I forgot to watch this one!


@beanie I watched the end on The Soup and it completed my life in a way that no love ever will.


@beanie I saw the supercut of all the craziest parts, and it was GREAT.


@JessicaLovejoy oh my God the ending. And the kid walking in at the very beginning. "He should know why they call me big daddy". Rob Lowe creepshow!

Valley Girl

@beanie It's on my DVR waiting for me! The cheesy promos sold me completely.


@beanie I'm like three days late with this comment, but I don't care because I LOVE bad Lifetime movies and I just wanted to strongly urge everyone to take the time to view "Untouchable."

My roommate and I DVRed it and watched it twice in one weekend, no big deal.


Do not be disrespecting Making Mr. Right.


Aw, I got five wrong. Mostly because I thought more were fake than they were. And because I thought "Murder Here" sounded plausible? I don't know. My Lifetime field experience is miserably low.


@figwiggin I hear it yelled out by a 1930s street vendor. "Moidah here! Get-chyur moidah."


What about "Taken From Me"? The best Lifetime movie ever, because it is "ripped from the headlines!" and has a scene with a US Embassy official in Korea, and my friend was that real-life official (she did not get to be in the movie, the State Dept wouldn't let her)! Sorry, I get so excited about this because WHO KNEW Lifetime was so close to REALITY???

ETA: This movie was nothing like reality, but it made a good drinking game.


Fatal Desire was on this weekend - it stars Eric Roberts and Anne Heche. Or so I hear. From a friend.


@ejcsanfran Watched. Twice. Not even gonna act like I didn't. The best part is, I watched it while video chatting with an "online boyfriend".... so, yeah. He's gonna think twice about EVERY WORD I EVER SAY.


Ok come on. How could there NOT be about 5 titles just about teen pregnancy alone?

1. Father at 16 (I think this is real?)
2. Too Young To Be A Mom
3. The Pregnancy Pact (also real? factcheckers?)
4. Baby's Baby
5. She's Too Young (....real?)


@GirlJourno I think She's Too Young might have been more about sex itself than it was about pregnancy?


@GirlJourno regarding 3. Supposedly there was a large group of girls that got pregnant in some town in MA (I think it was MA) but there was no "pact". So...a lot of teens just got knocked up but didn't plan on it.


@beanie I imagine the movie would have been based on the initial flurry of press coverage, which was real but not correct, rather than the less salacious idea of a bunch of teens in the same high school getting pregnant and then coming up with a nebulous plan for a parenting collective.


@wharrgarbl yes Thora Birch was a journalist (I think?) who was from this town who had also been a pregnant teen and had an abortion (again I think??).


@beanie I think it was Gloucester - www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1816486,00.html


@GirlJourno "She's Too Young" is fantastically real - a bunch of high schoolers pass around syphilis (like, literally a third of the school line up for penicillin shots from the school nurse in one scene). Patient Zero is the "cool" guy who seduces freshmen in his parents' hot tub. And Marcia Gay Harden plays the mom of the titular character, what's not to love?


I stand corrected: #1 is actually "Too Young To Be A Dad" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Too_Young_to_Be_a_Dad



But there is "15 and Pregnant," right? And also "Mom at 16"? Which was the one with the Lindsay Lohan look-alike and the hip young teachers who adopt the baby at the end?


@spex Oh, there certainly is "15 and Pregnant"- it stars Kirsten Dunst as one of the most hateable protagonists this side of Bella Swan. It's amazing.


@DandelionTacy I bought that for a friend last Christmas! I hope she found it amazing.


@DandelionTacy I remember desperately wanting Kirstin Dunst to be hit by a bus throughout that whole movie.


A few years back, there was a Lifetime movie loosely based on the book that's loosely based on my aunt's murder trial. The title isn't quite as ridiculous as some of these, although it's still very Lifetime-y.


OMG you must check out one of my favorite blogs, Lifetime, Wow! http://lifetimewow.wordpress.com/ As the fb states, they "make fun of Lifetime movies. That's about it." But it's so, so much more. It is one of the funniest blogs I've ever read and it makes me super sad that positing is so sporadic lately.

Chris Roberts@facebook

It is less fake than Hairpin. Phony is your efforts to deflect attention from from this non-stop fake-fest. Your ass scraping site is laughable, but mostly obvious. 666 to you and you and your MOTHER.


@Chris Roberts@facebook Pure word poetry! Aural sculpture! Eloquence!


@Chris Roberts@facebook I will accept that 666 as a bad-assed gift but I'm disappointed that you hate mothers so much Chris. I don't know what yours did to you, other than give you life, but you might want to talk about it with a friend. Also, asses gotta be scraped sometimes. You know?

Niko Bellic

@Chris Roberts@facebook What you say about my mother?

Chris Roberts@facebook

@Niko Bellic I had her for breakfast and so did the 7th, 8th and 9th Fleet. What??!!

Chris Roberts@facebook

@whizz_dumb Here's part of a book review I posted on Amazon, you are now illuminated:

I lost my mother when I was eight and my father at twelve, so was I to go into my teens years ever and ever in crisis? Not at all. It was like flicking two mosquitoes from my shoulder.


Am I the only one who thought they were all real? (Okay, maybe not thought. But REALLY REALLY WANTED.)


Man, I was sure that Murder Here was real!

Niko Bellic

There is a Palme d'Or winning film about a baby for sale, but the incompetent Belgian film makers failed to encapsulate it so cleverly in the title.


Nooooooot to brag but I consider myself something of a Lifetime Movie Expert and I am very proud I have seen all the real ones, most more than once. Now, let me blow your mind. Wendy Crewson, who starred in The Stranger I Married, was the doctor in The Vow. The Stranger I Married is a movie about a man who gets in a car accident and loses his memory/changes personality. So is the Vow, only the woman loses her memory. Circle of lyf. I've been sharing this excitedly with people for a few days now and strangely, no one... seems to care.


@FoxyRoxy Let's be friends!!


How is this list missing the greatest Lifetime movie of all, MOTHER MAY I SLEEP WITH DANGER?

Oh, Tori.


@Heidi Thank you, thank you for adding the amazing MMISWD to this list. Probably the best Lifetime movie title of all time. I too was devastated to see that it was excluded.


Um, were you at Halyards trivia in Gowanus on Thursday? Because there was definitely a round that was "Is it a Whitney Houston song, or a Lifetime Original Movie title?" And it was awesome.


But My Stepson, My Lover is a REAL title!!!


@scully My Stepson, My Lover is an awesome title, but I feel like Love, Lies and Murder is sort of the quintessential Lifetime title. Doesn't that describe most of the movies?

Zeki Yol@facebook

great work, thank you. i always follow web sites. thanks for sharing. Fıkra .

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