Tuesday, February 7, 2012


Excerpts From the "New" Kama Sutra

Convenient for Valentine's Day and the timeless cycle of human sexuality, there's a new translation of the Kama Sutra. The classic "sophisticated guide to living well" ($10) comes as a matte paperback featuring artily entwined couples spelling out the book's name. Here are a few selections, if you're interested.

Forbidden Women
The following women are proscribed for sexual relations: a leper, a lunatic, a fallen woman, a betrayer of secrets, one who solicits openly, one past her prime, one too fair or too dark, a malodorous woman, a relative, a colleague, a nun, and the wives of relatives, friends, priests and kings.

The Courtesan's Clients to Avoid
The clients to be avoided are as follows. Someone with the wasting sickness, with worms in his stool and breath which smells of crows. Someone in love with his spouse. One who is coarse in speech, mean, pitiliess, disowned by his elders, and a thief. A man duplicitous, addicted to black magic. One who is uncaring of honour or dishonour, who can be bought even by his enemies and who is completely shameless.

Embracing/the Theory of Sixty-Four
It is said that sexual union has sixty-four elements ... The followers of Babhravya hold that the number derives from eight times eight. Sexual union has eight parts: embracing, kissing, scratching, biting, coition, moaning, reversing roles and oral sex, and each of these has eight varieties. But these can also be more or less than eight. Besides this, there are other parts like hitting, screaming, the male approach and unusual sex.

Types of Scratch
... Curved marks made with the nails on the neck and the upper part of the breast are called the 'half-moon'. Two of these made face-to-face form the 'circle'. These are applied to the pudendum, the declivities of the bottom, and where the thighs meet the torso.

Signaling Desire
When she gazes at the sleeping man's mouth and kisses it on her own, it is called the kiss that kindles passion.

Kinds of Union, by Size
In keeping with the size of their sex organs, from the small to the middling and the large, men are typed as the hare, the bull and the horse; and women as the doe, the mare and the elephant woman. Thus there are three equal unions in sex, where the partners are of the same size. On the other hand, there are six unequal unions. Two of these, where the man is larger than the two women next in size, are known as 'the high'; and another, where he is larger still, as 'the highest'. On the other hand, there are two unions called 'the low', and another, of the smallest man with the largest woman, called 'the lowest'. Of all these unions, the equal ones are the best and the highest and the lowest the least good. The rest are middling unions, though in them too it is better for the man to be larger than the woman, rather than the other way round. In sum, there are nine types of union according to size.

The Maiden / Girls to Avoid
Neither should one marry
women with despised names
of constellations, rivers, trees,
or ones which end in syllables beginning
with the letters 'l' and 'r'.

Making Oneself Attractive
What makes one attractive are appearance, quality, age and liberality. A paste of rosebay, wild ginger and plum leaves can make one seductive. So can a salve for the eyes made by grinding these same herbs, putting the powder on a wick and burning it with myrobalan oil in a human skull. ... Licking a paste of honey and ghee mixed with a powder of dried red and blue lotus and rose chestnut makes a person attractive. ... The eye of a peacock or a hyena, put inside a locket of gold and worn on the right hand, also renders one attractive.

Bewitching a Woman
Sex with a woman when the penis is smeared with honey mixed with a powder of thorn apple, black pepper and long pepper will bewitch her into one's power. Using a powder made of wind-blown leaves, flowers left on a corpse and peacock bones has the same effect. ... Cut bulbs of milkwort into pieces, dip them in a mixture of crushed red arsenic and sulphur, dry seven times, then powder them. ... The same powder, when mixed with monkey shit and sprinkled over a virgin girl, ensures that she is not given to another man.

Enlarging the Penis
Place the bristles of certain insects which are born from trees on the penis and massage it with oil. Done for ten nights and then repeated, this will make the penis swell. Then lie face downward on a string cot and let the penis hang down through it. This process should be concluded gradually relieving any pain with cold salves. The swelling lasts for life.

A.N.D. Haksar's translation of the Kama Sutra is available now.

98 Comments / Post A Comment

The Lady of Shalott

Someone with the wasting sickness, with worms in his stool and breath which smells of crows

Good advice.


@The Lady of Shalott

But what if you have a thing for malodorous nuns?

Faintly Macabre

@The Lady of Shalott How do you find out what crows smell like? Go net one in a park and sniff it? Because I'm pretty sure that won't get you laid...

Tragically Ludicrous

@Faintly Macabre CRAW


@Faintly Macabre "Come back crow, I HAVE TO SMELL YOU!!"

Faintly Macabre

@Megan Patterson@facebook After leaving a bar at 1AM, you drag your date through the park, holding her hand with one hand and using the other to frantically try to scoop up crows. "Please, crows! Just one of you! I need to make sure she doesn't smell like a crow! You're not a human, you don't understaaaaand..."


Best find of the year@v


"Sex with a woman when the penis is smeared with honey mixed with a powder of thorn apple, black pepper and long pepper will bewitch her into one's power."

Look, look, he's totally doing it! He's smearing it on!
OMG, he's jumping out of the window screaming!
Wow! I had no idea he could run that fast....


@atipofthehat Right. I was like WAIT SO YOU WANT ME TO PUT PEPPER ON MY DICK. I mean, it's one thing to have no game, but that seems a little...extreme.


@atipofthehat ugh uti uti uti uti uti

New Commenter Name

@razorgrin Right, right! And then naturally you would place the pepper dick into a vagina and.....oooh ouch!

Judith Slutler

@Curiouser and curiouser PEPPER DICK o_o


@atipofthehat Even if you left the pepper out, that honey sounds like a fast track to a yeast infection.


@Curiouser and curiouser

Pepper dick, lady?

Are ya sure ya don't want the olive loaf? Maybe a nice salami?


@Poubelle Honey's sterile. I'd be more worried about its adhesive properties.

ms. alex

@Curiouser and curiouser
There shall be NO pepper in or near or thinking about my vagina. Yikes!


My penis is swollen with insect stings, would you like to lie beneath my cot and relieve any pain with cold salves? #nothankyousir


@photoalice "The swelling lasts for life" sounds way more ominous than I think they were intending.

raised amongst catalogs

@figwiggin Seek medical attention if your erection lasts for life.


@vanillawaif Definitely seek medical attention if your erection lasts through reincarnation.

raised amongst catalogs

@Ophelia Cross the following off of your list of things to do today: "Make vanillawaif choke on her water."

Vera Knoop

@figwiggin Any advice that ends with that phrase is solid advice as far as I'm concerned.


Forbidden Women is all "some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend..."

Also, I can't wait to use "crow breath" as an insult.

Someone in love with his spouse.

Ugh, those guys. Am I right?

Vera Knoop

@JessicaLovejoy There's a great bit in Herodotus about this Persian king who was in love with his own wife. Very shocking indeed.

Faintly Macabre

"Cut bulbs of milkwort into pieces, dip them in a mixture of crushed red arsenic and sulphur, dry seven times, then powder them. ... The same powder, when mixed with monkey shit and sprinkled over a virgin girl, ensures that she is not given to another man."

Yeah, I'm guessing sprinkling a girl with shit and arsenic is a pretty effective way of keeping other guys from sleeping with her.


@Faintly Macabre It's probably also a pretty effective way of making sure she doesn't have sex with you, either.


Seriously, my hyena eye ring has gotten me SO MANY MEN.


@monicamcl Pretty sure someone has made this on Etsy, along with the peacock one. A set for one of the many, many emails Etsy sends to me in order to break my will.


Certainly we can come up with 5 more elements to add to the theory of 64. It only seems right.


"Neither should one marry women with despised names...which end in syllables beginning with the letters 'l' and 'r'"
Roll call....

Faintly Macabre

@toastercat *raises hand* Does this mean that the many people who mispronounce my name secretly want to sleep with me?


@toastercat Um....me, for one. :(


@toastercat I feel like there's a bad joke about ordering prostitutes from a chinese restaurant in here somewhere.


@toastercat I guess I now have a good answer to "why aren't you married yet?"


@MilesofMountains Oh, and now that I've re-read the requirements, I also must be avoided. Damn L.


@toastercat Present.


@toastercat Two syllables in my name. One starts with L, one starts with R. Doomed.


@toastercat *raises hand* :(

Nancy Sin

@toastercat Named after a constellation - definitely didn't see that one coming. Maybe I'm the ancient India equivalent of Krystal or Jazzmine [sic]?

the ghost of amy lee

@toastercat I guess I should start my cat collection


@the ghost of amy lee Actually, as revolting as Jolie makes them out to be, they really aren't half bad. Just, uh, try to remember not to talk about their adorably endearing habits or share the pictures you have on your phone on first dates. My male coworkers tell me that's a turn off.

the angry little raincloud

@toastercat Phooey! So that's my problem. Thanks, mom.

Vera Knoop

@toastercat Yo.

Terrifying Wife-Avatar

@Chanticleer Me too. Should I warn my husband?


@Chanticleer Same. It explains a lot...


Well, I'm glad we've found each other so we won't be alone in our 'pinsterhood :)


@Chanticleer and Nicole Sauvage: Me three. We are so (not) screwed.


@toastercat HERE. Fortunately my parents had the foresight to only ever call me by my nickname, which must be why I get so much dick

Tragically Ludicrous

That is a really specific "names to avoid" list.


@Tragically Ludicrous



@atipofthehat Not true! People named Jessica are the best!


@Tragically Ludicrous Right? Madeleines of the world, go home :(

Atheist Watermelon

@atipofthehat hey whatnow? What's wrong with girls named Jessica??


So, have any of ya'll seen Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love?

It's kind of a mess but has one of those most beautiful casts ever burned into celluloid: Sarita Choudhury, Naveen Andrews, Indira Varma, Ramon Tikaram.

I always find it on at three a.m. and begrudgingly turn the lights back on because I ain't sleeping.


@JessicaLovejoy I have seen this. I realized this with a modicum of shame and then I was thrilled because it was such a terrible movie and I appreciate that.


@JessicaLovejoy I have seen commercials, as it used to be on Showcase all the time, and it looks hot. Also Naveen Andrews is hot. I would watch it even if it's bad.


I thought sex with lunatics was supposed to be a good thing!


@figwiggin You may be right...I may be crazy


@Ophelia Crazy, eh? Well, that makes you a forbidden woman! The real question is whether you also smell bad and are not a nice medium shade of taupe.


@figwiggin I am a very, very pale shade of taupe, unfortunately. Damn.


@Ophelia That's okay. Us pale crazies have to stick together!


@figwiggin http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRR25vr-qq0

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@Ophelia ...but it just may be a lunatic @figwiggin's looking for.


@Veronica Mars is smarter than me @Ophelia WINK WINK. (That's not me winking, that's me saying "WINK WINK" really loudly.)


Tough luck, Kama Sutra, because being addicted to black magic is a HUGE TURN-ON.


@Techmo what if I'm into new voodoo?


I am pretty afraid of insects but I suppose I could track some down for gentleman callers.

Lee Van Queef

I think it quite unfair that just because I have an Irish last name, I can't get married and/or laid. :( :( :( :(


@Woman Laughing Alone With Boas Growing up in a very large Irish family I can safely say the kama sutra is wrong on this point.


Ooooh, I've been wearing the peacock eye around my LEFT hand this whole time.


It seems to me that the enlarging process is a result of getting stung on your dick. Count me out on that.

Katie Scarlett

"Using a powder made of wind-blown leaves, flowers left on a corpse and peacock bones has the same effect."

...Yeah... Yeah, I can see being bewitched by this. A little bit.


@Katie Scarlett Is that why monkeys throw poo? They're actually flirting?

New Commenter Name

"The same powder, when mixed with monkey shit and sprinkled over a virgin girl, ensures that she is not given to another man."

So THAT'S why the other men don't like me. Huh.

Andrea K@twitter

Internet, where is my sassy, Cosmo-style quiz to determine if I am a doe, mare or an elephant? This must exist, right?


@Andrea K@twitter Question 1: "Is it bigger than a breadbox?"


@Andrea K@twitter Why don't you ask Semonides! Spoiler alert: if you're not a bee woman you're worthless.

Nancy Sin

@figwiggin I fancy myself a two-faced sea bitch!


@Andrea K@twitter I feel like I need more details! HOW DO YOU KNOWWWWW?

Faintly Macabre

@Andrea K@twitter I think you need to sleep with every single man you see and calculate the...proportions.


@Faintly Macabre I mean women.


@figwiggin What a charming poem! And you know, it wasn't as if Ancient Greek women (the wealthy ones at least) weren't basically forbidden from going out in public either. I'm a cross between horse and pig. Maybe a little dog thrown in.

Faintly Macabre

@Megan Patterson@facebook I guess that's more straightforward. I was thinking you'd use the types of union as a classification system. (Why am I putting any thought into this, though??)


@figwiggin The part about how the bee-woman is such a loving wife made me crack up, given the actual mating habits of bees.


@Nancy Sin I am oiling myself up like the vain horse woman that I am!
Also someone needs to write the man version of this.


"of the smallest man with the largest woman, called 'the lowest'"


"the hotdog in the hallway"


@punkahontas "The donkey in the Grand Canyon"

Jon Custer

So sex is like chess, but with more salves? Got it.

Barry Grant

"a powder made of wind-blown leaves, flowers left on a corpse and peacock bones"

That's Axe body spray, right?

raised amongst catalogs

@Barry Grant No, I think that more accurately describes Paz de la Huerta's breath.

Porn Peddler

"Place the bristles of certain insects which are born from trees..." Why don't we skip these purple words and I'll just go ahead and tell you this means WASP STINGERS. SWELLING INDEED.

Bewitching a woman apparently means to give her a raging case of BV and also BURN EVERYTHING FOREVER.

This seems as good a place as any to advertise that I can provide sex toy advice should some of you decide you don't want to uh, be miserable in your sexy adventures. Lay it on me, pinners.


@Third Wave Housewife
Dear TWH,
My husband recently informed me that his gigantic penis is actually the result of insect stingers and strategic draping. Now that I find him completely unattractive, could you suggest a quality dildo?

Porn Peddler

@Ophelia You'll want to look for one that is advertised as not containing wasp stingers, first of all...(I had to stop myself from actually making recommendations)


@Ophelia "STRATEGIC DRAPING" has ruined my brain FOREVER

Two-Headed Girl

Now seems like a good time to mention that I found a "Mama Sutra" card book in the discount bookstore yesterday. It was weird and strange and the logo was done in Curlz. The Worst.


@Two-Headed Girl Anything done in Curlz MT is written by a 13 year old girl, in my head. French script = 16, because it is SOPHISTICATED.

Zeki Yol@facebook

great work, thank you. i always follow web sites. thanks for sharing. Fıkra .

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