Calling Your Girlfriend
Your Girlfriend: Hello?
Y: Hey, can you hear me?
YG: Hello? Is that you? I can barely hear you. Hold on one sec.
YG: Sorry, I’m on the freeway, reception keeps cutting in and out. What’s up?
Y: Hey. Um, what’s going on?
YG: Not much, I’m just driving home. Where are you? What’s that noise in the background?
Y: What noise?
YG: That kind of, like, thumping noise. It’s really loud. Are you in a club?
Y: Yeah, hold on, let me just step outside.
Y: Is that better?
YG: Yeah. So what’s up?
Y: I was just calling because, um, I think it’s time we had the talk.
YG: But we just talked like an hour ago.
Y: No, I mean, like, “The Talk.” It’s time we had the talk.
YG: What talk?
Y: “The Talk.”
Y: You know, the talk where I tell you that I’m cheating on you.
YG: Wait, what?
Y: Yeah. So, the first thing I want to say is — and please listen to me very carefully here: this is not your fault.
YG: What’s not my fault?
Y: This. You know. The cheating.
YG: I don’t understand. Why would it be my fault?
Y: It’s not. You see, I have my reasons. Well, one reason , mainly. That reason is that I’ve found someone new, and I want to sleep with her. Well, I mean, I’ve already slept with her. I just want to keep sleeping with her, without the inconvenience of having you around. But it’s not your fault. I don’t blame you, and I want you to know that.
YG: Dude, whatever’s going on now — and frankly, I’m not entire sure what it is — I’m pretty fucking sure it’s your fault.
Y: Please don’t get upset.
YG: Don’t get upset? You called me in the middle of my commute to let me know that you’re cheating on me, and you want me to not get upset? What did you think would happen?
Y: You know, you’re always doing this! It’s like you second-guess everything I say and do! Listen, it’s not that hard to understand: I’ve met somebody new, and I’m going to break up with you and date her. I never meant to hurt you, I just cheated on you and now I’m breaking up with you. I know this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense right now, but I want you to know that I’m still your friend.
YG: Um, no you’re not. You’re not my friend. You’re an asshole, and I think you might be mentally ill.
Y: I am not an asshole. I’m your friend.
YG: No, you’re not.
Y: Yes I am.
YG: Nope. Not my friend.
Y: I am!
Y: See, you’re doing it again! You’re second-guessing me!
YG: Okay, fine. This has been great. Thanks for calling me, buddy.
Y: I feel like you’re being sarcastic right now. Your hostility is really unnecessary.
YG: Is it?
Y: I’ve been trying to take the high road here. I wanted to let you down easy, but you know what? You deserve the whole truth. I wasn’t going to tell you this –in fact, I promised I wasn’t going to tell you this — but actually, this whole thing is kind of your fault.
YG: You have got to be kidding me.
Y: This new girl, she gives me something that I never even knew I missed, but which I now realize was always lacking in our relationship. I’m not sure what it is, exactly — maybe the warm feeling of unconditional acceptance? The knowledge that no matter what I do, she’ll always be there for me, without judgment? It’s something like that. Something you could never give me in a million years.
YG: Awesome. That’s perfect. Just perfect. I hope you two are happy together. Thank you so much for calling. Go and live happily ever after forever. Goodb —
Y: — Also, it’s really different when we kiss. I mean, when she and I kiss. It’s different from the way that you and I used to kiss each other. I don’t want to say it’s better … it’s just different. Okay, actually, she does kiss better. There. I said it. She is a BETTER KISSER THAN YOU.
YG: I don’t understand. Why isn’t this conversation over by now? Why are we still talking?
Y: Maybe she uses her tongue more? I think that’s it. Also there’s a kind of tingly weirdness at the corner of my lips — it was disturbing at first, but now I sort of like it. It feels like when you’ve got a cold sore coming on, but more diffuse and kind of — I don’t know, spiritual almost. Like I’m wearing a new kind of chapstick with healing lotion in it, but more intense than that. Anyway, it’s different. I — hold on one sec. Hey, no, cut it out. What are you doing? Give me that. Hey —
YG: Hello? Who is this?
R: Hallo? Can you hear me? HALLO?
YG: Who is this? Why is your voice so high-pitched? Is this an elf?
R: Hallo, friend. I just want to say — can you hear me? I know it is hard, but I want to say, the only way your heart will mend is when you learn to love again. Do you understand? You must love again! Find love! It is the only way!
YG: Is this who I think it is? Are you seriously fucking talking to me right now?
R: The only way your heart will mend is when you learn to love again!
YG: You just stole my boyfriend, and now you’re lecturing me about finding love?
R: You must learn to love again!
YG: You know what? This is bullshit. I’m going to come find you two right now, and when I do, I dare you to say that to my face.
R: Find love!
YG: I swear to God, somebody’s about to get stabbed in the eye with one of their own quirky earrings.
R: It’s the only way!
YG: I’m hanging up now. Tell your new boyfriend I’m going to dump all his shit out my window. He can come gather it up off my lawn tomorrow.
R: I hope we can all be friends! I truly do wish you the best. Maybe someday when your heart has mended, we can all grab some dinner.
Kristen Roupenian prefers dancing on her own.