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Friday, February 3, 2012

148

15 Days to a Better Butt

Day 1. Your butt abstains from alcohol for the first night in a longer time than it would like to admit.

Day 2. Your butt buys an up-and-coming musician's new song on iTunes instead of illegally downloading it from a file-sharing site. (Incidentally, the new song doesn't appear to be available for illegal download.)

Day 3. Your butt decides to quit eating processed meat after it read about processed meat's connection to pancreatic cancer, which runs in your butt's family.

Day 4. Your butt puts its friend in professional contact with another friend, and the second friend offers your butt's first friend a fantastic internship.

Day 5. Your butt finally figures out how to push its cuticles back, and gives itself the first half-decent at-home manicure of its life.

Day 6. Your butt orders a ballet exercise DVD from Amazon that has more than 200 five-star reviews, and your butt envisions itself as a slender ballerina type, thinking that maybe the tightly wound, controlling aspects of ballet, and its feminine wrist-ery, will somehow make this form of exercise stick, to your butt.

Day 7. Your butt is encouraging instead of disdainful when an important woman in its life talks for 45 minutes about the man she met on Match literally last night.

Day 8. Your butt finally sews up the holes mice chewed in its favorite t-shirt when it lived in a different apartment.

Day 9. Your butt gets the ball rolling with a new accountant, because several people said that the amount your butt had to pay at tax time last year was too much.

Day 10. Your butt buys a memory-foam mattress topper and sleeps more soundly than it has in months.

Day 11. Your butt paints pottery with a friend at the pottery workshop down the street, where two incredibly hot young dads are also painting pottery, alongside their pretty wives and adorable children. Your butt occasionally looks at the dads but isn't inappropriate, and doesn't talk about how hot they are until it and its friend have left the studio and are out of earshot.

Day 12. Your butt rates someone five stars on OKCupid instead of the four stars it usually gives, even though people get emails saying they were rated "four or five stars!" and they'll never know which it was.

Day 13. Your butt responds gracefully to an email withdrawing a recent writing assignment, withdrawn because the publicist of the person your butt had been assigned to profile read a different profile in which your butt detailed getting blackout drunk.

Day 14. Your butt discovers and shares news of the most wonderful natural deodorant, Soapwalla.

Day 15. Your butt favorites a genuinely funny Tweet by a girl your butt used to be friends with but now hates.

148 Comments / Post A Comment

parallel-lines

So, your butt has decided to drink more water...

kate sweet@twitter

@parallel-lines Hello,my friends!Here's the most popular dating site for now__SeekCasual*com, a place for people who wanna start a short-term relationship.And also for finding soul mate.Over 160000 happy members are waiting their lovers.Join free and have a try,nothing to lose!

EpWs

Butts laughing alone with salad.

PaperbackLady

aaand now I'm laughing for the rest of the night. #MATURITY

EpWs

@PaperbackLady I'd like to think that this entire thread is one big phbbbbbbbbt in the face of yesterday's n+1 "review." We are mature, grown-ass women.

clipse

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Maybe grown ass-women...

alphabiddycity

I'm so stingy with that fifth star on OKCupid. Even though no one will ever know. It feels like giving in or something. I'm still moderately disdainful of internet dating while being totally reliant on it!

Danzig!

@alphabiddycity I didn't even know you could rate people! And I've never received a 4-5 star email like the one described in the article. I guess that means I'm ugly :(

atipofthehat

In short, guess what N+1 can kiss?

leastimportantperson

@atipofthehat They wish.

SuperGogo

Edith, I'm glad that your butt is as funny as you are and as human as we all are.

wharrgarbl

Day 16. Your butt actively refrains from wishing unpleasant things on fellow motorists who could maybe have been a little bit more sensible about their driving style.

theharpoon

@wharrgarbl Is it so hard to turn your lights on when it's raining though?

Maybe for a butt, I guess.

Marzipan

This is literally the best possible thing of all things that could accurately be filed under "butts, self-improvement".

Bittersweet

@Marzipan: <3 u, buttie...

Ellie

I usually don't comment just to say I liked something but I seriously, seriously loved this article. So great.

Ellie

Or maybe I do. I don't know. I needed a preface.

atipofthehat

@Ellie

Thumbs up...your butt?

hedgehog

Day 16: Your butt opens and appropriately responds to or disposes of all the mail in the apartment.

EpWs

@hedgehog Day 17: Your butt takes out all the recycling that is piling up in the kitchen and front entryway, taking the caps off of plastic bottles and disposing of plastic grocery bags properly.

miwome

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Day 18: Your butt unpacks the last, lingering boxes from the move and finds an actual home for everything in them, instead of falling for the "Deal with it later drawer" trap.

fondue with cheddar

@hedgehog I got a little worried when I read "Your butt opens". Then it got better.

ylime

Day 17: You find out your butt's boss wants to kill it.

slutberry

@ylime Day 18: Your butt says "Screw that shit!" and hunts down its boss and sneaks into his house and hovers over his bed in the night with a bandanna tied over the lower half of its face making scary eyes and reciting passages from its boss's blog in a low monotone. Your butt goes home, drinks some whiskey, and decides that this counts as self-improvement, because it did not actually kill or injure its boss.

ylime

@teffodee Your butt sues the university, makes a ton of money and eats shrimp on the beach, because that is the only logical thing to come out of a murder blog about your butt.

MoonBat

@teffodee Except that a fit of the giggles sorta ruins it, because ever since watching Demolition Man way back when, your butt can only say "Murder/Death/Kill" as one big word.

AmbiSinister

@ylime I definitely read that "with a banana tied to the lower half of its face" and I got confused, but then thought that it's just surreal enough to get the point across without being credible enough for him to testify to.

applestoapples

"Day 7. Your butt is encouraging instead of disdainful when an important woman in its life talks for 45 minutes about the man she met on Match literally last night."

The only gaffe was when your butt's attempt to communicate "I'm so excited for you" in Morse code farts got lost in translation.

JessicaLovejoy

@applestoapples "Congratulations. How bumterful."

nyikint

@JessicaLovejoy Hey, don't be assy about it.

elysian fields

When my boyfriend was in elementary school, he and his friends called the bathroom "the butt room," because butts are funny. Then they decided to reach for the stars and replace every "bath-" prefix with "butt." Butt tub. Butt mat. Butt robe. Butt salts.

I am technically an adult(?), but if you want to see me giggle hysterically, just whisper "butt salts" in my ear.

smidge

@elysian fields (whispering) butt salts.

hedgehog

@elysian fields that's fantastic.

elysian fields

@smidge HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHE!!!

MatildaGold

@elysian fields I just had to close my office door.

MoonBat

@elysian fields Forever shall it be! Butt towels! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

fondue with cheddar

@elysian fields That's the best thing ever. Butt rug. Butt pillow. Butt...um...beads?

Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook

@elysian fields buttwater, birdbutt

fondue with cheddar

@Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook The Wife of Butt's Tale

parallel-lines

Day 16: Your butt goes to Costco and buys vinegar, bleach and baking soda in bulk, then cleans out her fridge, stove, shower, and sink removing all those stains once thought permanent. Your butt immediate evicts all men and domestic animals and enjoys a nice, chilled glass of Qream.

Lauren Hayden

@parallel-lines God, now my butt really actually wants to do this!

wharrgarbl

@Lauren Hayden Your butt finally gets that marker your butt left on the toilet seat off the toilet seat.

catfoodandhairnets

@wharrgarbl I NEED TO KNOW how you got marker on the toilet seat?

wharrgarbl

@catfoodandhairnets It's from a memorable A Clean Person column. The answer, of course, is "with your butt."

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@parallel-lines I can't believe we've been accused of tween-like inside-jokery. Like, where even did she get that from???

wharrgarbl

@Veronica Mars is smarter than me

The accusations of shared culture *ahem* excuse me, inside-jokery didn't seem that bad. Most places have some level of site-specific lingo, with pinners' references seeming to mostly cycle through within a couple of weeks. Not a particularly high barrier for entry to new posters. It was more the decision not to acknowledge that posts like these push back against, say, the harder-to-articulate and insidious idea that self-improvement for women comes in the form of a tighter ass rather than a better character or a happier life or a firmer commitment to self-care.

Katie Scarlett

Whatever, I liked the Chris Evans profile.

julia

@Katie Scarlett I loved that piece, but I was just thinking about it recently & wondering if it had any effect on our editor's celebrity profile potential, while getting annoyed that the GQ cover this month is "Who knew Michelle Williams had this body?"

Lily Rowan

@julia Off-topic, but the actual Michelle Williams profile is kind of devastating.

sox
sox

@Katie Scarlett PSHH. If I were a celebrity, I would only let Edith do my profile.

Ellie

@Lily Rowan I haven't read it and I'm honestly not sure I want to. I had to turn off the Terry Gross with her because it was too painful to listen to. She is so shy and it's so obvious that she hates talking about her work and feels uncomfortable about it. I also feel sad for her that she is self-conscious about her lack of a formal education. I wish she just refused publicity - don't you think she's famous enough to do that?

Lily Rowan

@Ellie Yeah, but I think she's smart enough to know that publicity is what keeps you famous. I'm sure she's doing as little as she can get away with, really.

BoozinSusan

@Lily Rowan Ah, the MW profile was softly devastating. Great writing. Think the writer may potentially be an asshole. "Do you ever think about what would have happened if he hadn't died? Your futures together?" Ugh.

EpWs

Day 18: Your butt extricates itself from a very tricky and unhealthy relationship situation, quietly divorcing Eli and and permanently cutting off all communication/boning with Bob.

JessicaLovejoy

Day 18: Your butt starts backing up its files, even when it's not Mercury Retrograde.

EpWs

Day 19: Your butt goes to the dentist for the first time in four years.

wharrgarbl

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Your butt gets a small scrip for an anti-anxiety med for the occasion, because there's no shame in needing it.

iceberg

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Day 20: Your butt schedules that for Pap smear appointment it's been guiltily avoiding.

NeverOddOrEven

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Day 21: Your butt spends the day exfoliating, shaving, eyebrow plucking and moisturizing, and vowing to do so more than once a month in the future.

madge

edith, your butt does more before january 16 than my butt does ALL YEAR.

MeghanElizabeth

But the blackout drunk profile was SO GOOD. Why wouldn't every publicist be completely charmed by that butt?

iceberg

Day 21: Your butt donates to Planned Parenthood

Day 22: Your butt acts as an escort at its local abortion clinic.

(Your butt is a better person than I am, obviiously)

Killerpants

Day 20: Your butt starts flossing. Every day.

EpWs

@Killerpants Insert requisite thong joke here.

SuperGogo

@Killerpants Thongs?

SuperGogo

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Doh! Beat me to it.

EpWs

@SuperGogo :D Glad we're all on the same page here, maturity-wise.

Killerpants

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Hahahaha. You all are way funnier than I am. I didn't even get that there was a better joke in my joke!

CrescentMelissa

Day 16 Your butt has already ruined Day 3's decision of not eating processed meat by picking off the salami from the half of a sandwich your butt left in the office kitchen yesterday because the only thing that was going to make your butt feel better yesterday was an italian combo from the filthy deli down the block.

whizz_dumb

Day 21: Your butt gets rid of some junk. Finally.

travelmugs

For real on that cuticle thing though, HOW? Can someone teach me?

EpWs

@travelmugs I think soaking is the key, maybe?

punkahontas

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Yes, soak or just do it after your shower. Gently push them back with your fingernail wrapped in a tissue, or an orange stick wrapped in cotton. If you want to get really fancy, then apply cuticle oil. Just remember to wipe the cuticle oil off your nails with nail polish remover before you try to polish them.

cherrispryte

@travelmugs My butt swears by this product for awesome manicures and pedicures!

wharrgarbl

@punkahontas Why do we do this? Every time I read "push back your cuticles," it makes me want to ball up my hands and stuff them so deep into my pockets that they wind up in an alternate dimension.

elysian fields

@wharrgarbl ughhhh. I know. What the hell? I do my own nails and I just paint right over the cuticle. It looks fine!

punkahontas

@wharrgarbl I guess it just makes a nice clean line for your manicure? Also, it makes the nail bed longer, which makes your nails look longer. I mean, cutting cuticles sucks, but a nice gentle push-back is okay! I'm sorry you're traumatized!

wharrgarbl

@punkahontas I will do my best to stop cringing every time I see "push back your cuticles," then. I don't think I'll every be able to bring myself to do it, though.

Jolie Kerr

@travelmugs I have honestly CRIED to Janie about this, and when I'm in LA to visit her later this month I am going to make her SHOW ME HOW. I will even let her video it, if she so wishes, and share it with you all. My cuticles are a constant source of worry for me. But you all have to promise that you won't make fun of the fact that my middle fingers are crooked because I can't help it but also I'm really always very upset by it.

wharrgarbl

@Jolie Kerr My middle fingers are crooked too! (It seems to run in my family; half of us have crooked middle fingers for no reason.) I like to think it adds a certain je ne sais quoi to flipping people off as hard as I can.

wharrgarbl

(Sometimes my butt fails to refrain from wishing unpleasant things on fellow motorists who could maybe have been a little bit more sensible about their driving style.)

PistolPackinMama

@travelmugs one of my ring fingers is crooked. I can't do anything about it now, but I could have when I stupidly allowed it to get slammed in a door, thus breaking it. Ow.

NeverOddOrEven

@Jolie Kerr My fingertips are crooked - like the knuckles don't line up?

It always reminded me of Inspector Gadget's fingertip pen, like someone just screwed the caps on mine a little too tight...

beecaveroad

@Jolie Kerr The key is to be gentle, and use cuticle cream/oil/whatever. I have a little guy like this and I use this Burt Bee's cuticle stuff that smells like lemons. Don't cut your cuticles :(

NeverOddOrEven

@margaret_r Ooh! That Burts Bees stuff is lovely. Works as lip balm too.

cherrispryte

@Jolie Kerr I have genetically deformed thumbs. No, really.

zscore

My butt needs to know the five-star ballet exercise DVD.

punkahontas

@zscore My butt started Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred on Shreduary 1st! I really like it so far. I would like to know the ballet DVD too though. Maybe I'll do that in Barch!

parallel-lines

@zscore I'm guessing the show billed as "Perfect Booty!" on Time Warner cable that I'm always disappointed to find is an informercial.

NeverOddOrEven

@punkahontas Not to mock typos, which I often make, but Barch really should be a month.

...Or was that an intentional play on the Butt thing...? I dunno. I want a sandwich.

punkahontas

@NeverOddOrEven It wasn't a typo. It's the month after Shreduary if you switch to a Ballet DVD for the next month's workout.

Sadly, Barch doesn't really have enough syllables to work as well as Shreduary, I guess that's why it looks like a typo. Oh wait, maybe Barre-ch would work better?

catfoodandhairnets

@punkahontas Barre-ch is fabulous.

zscore

@punkahontas My butt loves the Jillian Michael's DVD...that my butt got from the library...that is really for boosting self-esteem in teens (and lazy 30-year-olds).

EpWs

@punkahontas Can I celebrate Barch, in which I go to bars all month? Everyone here is invited.

MoonBat

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher
I like your Bar-ch better!

zubaz

@zscore

My butt approves of this ballet dvd, although it is sore for days after working out.

punkahontas

Your butt refrains from kicking that Save The Children guy, who repeatedly put himself in your way, forcing you to weave back and forth on the sidewalk to avoid him, in the face.

drunkennoodle

Edith, that profile where you detailed getting blackout drunk was one of the best things I have ever read. Don't let the man keep you down!

melmuu

Your butt has gracefully learned to replace "You ALWAYS..." with "When you do this, it makes me feel..."

phillystout

Day 16: Your butt finally forces itself to write and mail thank you notes from the holidays and recent birthday. Because if it's not done by Valentines Day, your butt will feel like a jerk for waiting so long and won't do it at all out of embarrassment.

MeghanElizabeth

@phillystout You'd hate to have your thank-you notes with "sorry", that'd just be embarrassing.

SarcasticFringehead

@phillystout Is your butt my butt? Because I have had the notes literally sitting on my desk in front of me for a week, and I still can't bring myself to take the ten minutes to write them (I write shitty thank-you notes. I've come to terms with it).

cherrispryte

Day 23: Your butt finally gets around to buying renter's insurance, because there was a meth lab fire in an apartment three blocks away and your butt doesn't want to worry anymore about things like that.

wharrgarbl

Day 25. Your butt has a brief, vivid fantasy of burning down your workplace and everything in it. Your butt savors it for a second, then dismisses it and finds a healthier way of dealing with things. Your butt does not linger over it for the rest of the day and then lovingly recount it on facebook. Rick.

SuperGogo

@wharrgarbl Rick.

Rick.

RICK.

CAPS LOCK IS HOW I FEEL INSIDE RICK.

wharrgarbl

@SuperGogo CAPS LOCK IS HOW RICK FEELS INSIDE, TOO. ALL THE TIME. CAPS LOCK AND STRANGULATION.

parallel-lines

Day 30: Your butt stops impulse shopping at the advise of Jane Marie every Friday and puts all her money into an IRA.

SuperMargie

My butt is feeling strangely motivated now after reading this.

Megasus

@SuperMargie My butt feels like it should be motivated, but really it wants a nap.

tortietabbie

@SuperMargie My butt is feeling overwhelmed and wants a cupcake.

area@twitter

Day 31: Your butt brings lunch to work to save money, despite the fact that delicious foodtrucks are literally steps away from your butt.

cherrispryte

@area@twitter My butt's doing this too! Sometimes that makes my butt sad.

area@twitter

@cherrispryte Sometimes my butt runs out of lunches to bring, so my butt has to go out to eat. HAS TO. (My butt needs to go shopping.)

cherrispryte

@area@twitter My butt might have been eating cheese and pickle sandwiches all week .....

teaandcakeordeath

@area@twitter
My butt tries to do this, but after lovingly making lunch the night before, it always forgets to take it out of the fridge the next morning leaving my butt to pay double for lunch which is counter productive.

atipofthehat

@cherrispryte

Mmm.

area@twitter

Day 32: Your butt switches to natural deodorants about hearing about the thesis research one of your butt's friends did on aluminum and its effect on cellular growth.

Day 36: Your butt wonders nervously where that smell is coming from, then realizes it's your butt's officemate. Your butt is reassured.

area@twitter

My butt likes to laugh at itself.

(someone stop me, it's got to end)

wharrgarbl

@area@twitter I'll stop your butt if you tell me how you did the small-text. (Warning: May not actually be able to stop your butt.) None of my small-text code works properly here, and it is making my butt very sad.

area@twitter

@wharrgarbl Small text goes: <*small>butt-related text!<*/small> Just get rid of the stars. My butt wishes your butt luck.

MoonBat

@area@twitter
You are such a smartass!

Jolie Kerr

But did your butt make its bed every day???

wharrgarbl

@Jolie Kerr All our butts made the bed every day. Our butts secretly like to think of your butt being very proud of us.

Jinxie

@Jolie Kerr I'm proud to say my butt has made the bed every day this week.

Jolie Kerr

My butt is always very proud of you girls ladies women females vagina-havers.

Megasus

@Jolie Kerr Hahaha NEVER

NeverOddOrEven

@Jolie Kerr Uh oh, you better check your transphobia there!

We'll never win...

NeverOddOrEven

@Jolie Kerr Whoops! I mean your butt. Your butt better check it's transphoboia....

EpWs

@NeverOddOrEven YOUR butt better check its grammar...

(Phbbbbt)

kendra j.@twitter

@Jolie Kerr let's be inclusive here. butt-havers!

DedeMented

So, is this Soapwalla natural deodorant really that wonderful? Asking for a butt.

Edith Zimmerman

@DedeMented Yes. Every butt has different chemistry, obviously, but I've tried about 25 natural deodorants, and only two have kind of worked, and of those two, only one really and truly works, and it's this one. It changed my life! I am not kidding at all!

area@twitter

@Edith Zimmerman HOORAY I have an, uh, associate of my butt that is excited to hear this as well.

whizz_dumb

@DedeMented My Butt has been treated well with this Earth Science Tea tree lavender one. But my butt's armpits are manly, believe it or not.

DedeMented

@Edith Zimmerman Ahhh, thank you! My butt is ordering some now...

Waiting

@Edith Zimmerman that is such good news - I HATE using aluminum deodorant but I'm stuck with it most of the time unless I can get away with a little stink. This one organic kind I have used that works 50/50 (better with natural fabrics) is called "summer spice deoderant" made by nature's gate is what I get. once I need more deoderant I'll check out soapwalla!

kayjay

Your butt is so productive! My butt is, too, but in different ways.

MoonBat

@kayjay
Butts make poops like brains make thoughts.

Megasus

@MoonBat Oh God, I hope not. You should probably see the dr!

fondue with cheddar

Your butt is extremely disappointed in the suggested google search results for "your butt".

electromotive force

Yay for your butt! Such maturity about taxes, gracious email, putting friends in touch, forgoing processed meat, sewing, etc. I bet your family is proud! Where are you watching, and what non-processed food will you eat?

madge

BUTT IS THE BEST WORD

automaticdoor

Your butt is the most productive butt.

EpWs

My butt is so proud of all of your butts!

Waiting

I have been doing it wrong all this time...

carolita

How'd I miss this? I love it. PS I have the BEST accountant, Edith. If you want to shop around.

Zeki Yol@facebook

great work, thank you. i always follow web sites. thanks for sharing. Fıkra .

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