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Thursday, January 26, 2012

251

Your 2012 Baby Name Guide: Puritan Edition

"There is the most distinct evidence that during the latter portion of Elizabeth’s reign, the whole of James’s reign, and great part of a Charles’s reign … there prevailed, amongst a certain class of English religionists, a practice of baptizing children by scriptural phrases, pious ejaculations, or godly admonitions."
–Curiosities of Puritan Nomenclature, by Charles Wareing Endell Bardsley, pub. 1888

1. Helpless Henley

2. Repent Durant

3. Wrestling Brewster

4. Restore Weeks

5. Fight-the-good-fight-of-faith White

6. Kill-sin Pimple

7. Preserved Fish

8. Hope-for Bending

9. Flye-debate Smart

10. Much-mercie Harmer

11. Thankfull Thorpe

12. Safe-on-Highe Hopkinson (Bardsley’s note: “The child was buried a few days later. From the name given the father seems to have expected the event.”)

13. Sin-Deny Outtered

14. Anger Bull

15. Continent Walker

16. Hate-ill Wood

17. Replenish French

18. Called Lower

19. Hope-still Peedle

20. Humiliation Hinde

21. Abuse-not Collyer

22. Faithful Teate

23. Repentance Water

24. Vyctorye Buttres

25. Buried Sence Muschamp

26. Creature Cheeseman

27. Magnyfye Beard

28. If-Christ-had-not-died-for-thee-thou-hadst-been-damned (known familiarly as “Dr. Damned”) Barebone

29. Battalion Shotbolt

30. Die-Well Sykes

31. Weakly Ekins

32. Lament Fox

33. Redivivia Mathews

34. Sorry-for-sin Coupard

35. No-merit Vynall

36. Lively Moody

37. Abstinence Pougher

38. Obey Larkford

39. Humble Ward

40. Faint-not Blatcher

41. Wealthy Whathing

42. Unfeigned Panckhurst

43. Clemency Chawncey

44. Vitalis Engaine

45. Love Appletree

Bardsley notes in the epilogue:

"English Puritanism must stand the guilty cause of much modern humour, not to say extravagance, in American name-giving…. Robert New has his sons christened Nothing and Something. Price becomes Sterling Price; Carrol, Christmas Carrol; Mixer, Pepper Mixer; Hopper, Opportunity Hopper; Ware, China Ware; Peel, Lemon Peel; Codd, Salt Codd; and Gentle, Always Gentle. It used to be said of the English House of Commons that there were in it two Lemons with only one Peel…. We have, too, Cannon Ball, Dunn Brown, Friend Bottle (London Directory), and River Jordan, not to mention two brothers named Jolly Death and Sudden Death, the former of whom figured in a trial lately as a witness."

Previously: The Civil War General Edition.

Sarah Marshall is a graduate student living in Portland, Oregon.

Image courtesy Reed

251 Comments / Post A Comment

Jane Marie

HATE-ILL. i'm changing my name again, you guys.

SarahP

@Jane Marie I want to be Continent.

SarahP

@SarahP I just cracked myself up rereading this.

Ophelia

@SarahP If Continent Walker married Love Appletree, was their kid Johnny Appleseed?

madge

hello, my name is pious. pious ejaculations.

travelmugs

@madge New Year's Resolution: use this phrase more often.

redheaded&crazy

@madge will you marry me?

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@madge Say hello to Oh God Yes Jr.

atipofthehat

@madge

My birth name was Cunnilingus Jones.

EpWs

@atipofthehat Meet the triplets: Cunnilingus, Analingus, and Frottage.

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher And watch out for the redheaded cousin, Tribadism!

Xanthophyllippa

@S. Elizabeth We're not really sure what she does, but she's a wild one, all right.

Elleohelle

NO THERE WAS NOT someone named Kill-sin Pimple. No way. Nope. Couldn't be.

Katie Scarlett

@Elleohelle Hands down favorite. I mean, it's just a list of 3 things.

redheaded&crazy

@Katie Scarlett It's a game! Kill Sin Pimple: Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, Ryan Gosling

fondue with cheddar

@redheadedandcrazy Kill Hugh Grant, Sin Colin Firth, um...Pimple Ryan Gosling? I'm not sure what that means. Squeeze him until he explodes all over the bathroom mirror?

Edith Zimmerman

@redheadedandcrazy Kill Grant, Sin Gosling, Pimple Firth.

redheaded&crazy

@jen325 I was thinking perhaps, to inflict with pimples? but i like your interpretation better. ryegos can explode all over my bathroom mirror any day

Dancercise

@Edith Zimmerman
I'm half-expecting to see "Pimple Firth" on the next list in this series.

miwome

@redheadedandcrazy I think if you pitched this to a major studio they would fund it and run with it.

fondue with cheddar

@redheadedandcrazy Ryan Gosling just doesn't do it for me.

Craftastrophies

@jen325 Likewise. But imaginary, hey gurl Ryan Gosling is surprisingly... doing-it? for me. Especially the craft one. Hello, sailor.

The thing that gets me about this is that presumably there was a whole family of 'Pimples'.

miwome

@Craftastrophies The craft one, you say. Link, please? say I.

Craftastrophies

@Craftastrophies Uh, that last one should be This.

miwome

@Craftastrophies This is genius! Why are so many of them so good! (Me, I like the feminist one and the international development one.)

Craftastrophies

@miwome They are hard to beat.

There's also a poli sci one and a typography one and an NPR one http://www.buzzfeed.com/stacyl3/the-ultimate-ryan-gosling-tumblr-list-4f2w

EpWs

@miwome There's a Historic Preservation one that makes me all tingly inside.

miwome

@Craftastrophies Thank you for this link. I shall be like unto a font of silly information.

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.

fondue with cheddar

@Craftastrophies Ha! I'd never seen those. They're pretty awesome.

But what I really want to know is...did the Pimple family call their father "Pop"?

miwome

@Craftastrophies I just started perusing the poli sci one, and this actually does kind of make me blush. RYAN, you SCAMP, how did you know?!

Party Falcon

If Dr. Damned Barebone hasn't been a star in a modern porn...

...I'll be damned.

Party Falcon

@Party Falcon And his co-star, Faithful Teate.

backstagebethy

@Party Falcon Hope-for Bending is his co-star.

SarahP

@backstagebethy Humiliation Hinde is in the more hardcore scenes.

The Lady of Shalott

Wrestling Brewster had siblings named Fear, Love, and Patience. For some reason that mix of names cracks me up.

SarahP

@The Lady of Shalott The various ways one reacts to someone trying to wrestle?

slutberry

@The Lady of Shalott I knew this because there was a Dear America book where Wrestling Brewster was a pervy jerk. I loved that book.

The Lady of Shalott

@SarahP There should also be a kid named "Abject Second-Hand Embarrassment," I'm thinking.

The Lady of Shalott

@teffodee MY LOVE FOR DEAR AMERICA WILL NEVER DIE. Seriously, I am every day of twenty-three and I have read every single one of those books, plus the new ones and the Royal Diaries and Dear Canada as well. No shame.

miwome

@The Lady of Shalott One of these things is not like the otherrrrs

elysian fields

@The Lady of Shalott you're kidding. There's a Dear Canada series? Holy balls. I've never seen them in a US bookstore.

slutberry

@The Lady of Shalott YES. My gentleman (I think? Or some girl I worked with when I worked at a bookstore?) didn't know that Dear America existed; s/he thought there was just Dear Canada! Canadians, I tell ya (scoffs the mostly-Canadian-identifying dual citizen) :/

The Lady of Shalott

@elysian fields YES THERE IS DEAR CANADA. It's like Dear America in that some of the books are really, really well-written and some are less so. I have never seen them in a US bookstore either, but that's because they're pretty Canada-centric? I mean, not a lot of interest.

http://www.scholastic.ca/dearcanada/books/

Elleohelle

@The Lady of Shalott Heyyyyy yep, read all of those too. Except Dear Canada. THAT IS A THING?!

The Lady of Shalott

@Elleohelle I am here to spread the word of Dear Canada! They are damn near impossible to find in the States, though. Sorry. :(

GEEKitty

@The Lady of Shalott EEP! My boyfriend is descended from the Brewsters! I'm going to have to make him read these.

EpWs

@teffodee Dear America and the American Girls books are the only reasons I know anything about history. (Wishbone is the only reason I know anything about literature. I REGRET NOTHING.)

redheaded&crazy

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher the magic school bus is the only reason i know anything about science

lucindajane

@teffodee Yes! That was my favorite Dear America book because my Mayflower ancestors were in it. And I kind of wish I could get away with naming my kid Remember Patience? (Although I always wondered how her parents were able to predict her disposition when she was, like, a month old.)

Also: Dear Canada?!? I need it I need it

chickaboom

@redheadedandcrazy No Bill Nye?

miwome

Hope-for Bending! HAHAHAHAHA! #maturity

But you guys, can you imagine going through life as No-Merit? Sad.

miwome

Also, Anger Bull seems like a guy I'd like to know, cough.

miwome

Oh and I think I may start using "unfeigned panckhurst" as an insult/epithet? Like, "Don't you point fingers at me, YOU UNFEIGNED PANCKHURST" and never explain what it means, because I don't know. BUT YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT I MEAN, YOU DOUBLY UNFEIGNED PANCKHURST.

gobblegirl

@miwome I am decreeing here and now that panckhurst is an emotional state. So if you can feel genuine panckhurst (be totally panckhursty), or you can feign panckhurst.
From now on, Pinners: Panckhurst means "shock and disapproval sparked by some breach of morals or etiquette." If you feel the need to wave a hanky in front of your face so you don't faint at the nerve, you are experiencing panckhurst. ie, "He got WHAT on your recliner? This expression you see is unfeigned panckhurst, sir!"

redheaded&crazy

@gobblegirl this is so good and ALSO describes my state of emotion 9 times out of 10!

I am absolutely panckhursted at ALL OF YOU!

SarahP

Poor Abstinence. S/He was doomed from the start.

slutberry

@SarahP I bet s/he was a real tramp. Like how Bianca's best friend in Ten Things I Hate About You is called Chastity.

SarahP

@teffodee I can't decide if none of the other kids would go near Abstinence, figuring someone named that would be really interested in the practice... or if they'd swarm around in hopes of achieving bragging rights.

"You know who wasn't so Abstinent this weekend, guys?!" **nudge nudge**

SarahP

@SarahP Or: "So I really got into Abstinence last night, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN."

slutberry

@SarahP "Hast thou stain'd thy marriage bed, young Preserved?"
"No, mother! I'm into Abstinence!"

SarahP

@teffodee "Only Abstinence in my bed from now on!"

slutberry

@SarahP I want Abstinence to get with Sudden Death, so I can make napgasm jokes (if you interpret "death" in the Renaissance-literature [read: orgasm]) way.

SarahP

@teffodee Awesome.

miwome

@SarahP You guys I originally read it as Abstinence Plougher and laughed and laughed.

lora.bee

@teffodee "I like my Skechers, but I love my Prada backpack." "But...I love MY Skechers."

Verity

@lora.bee That's because you don't have a Prada backpack!

miwome

@Verity I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed...but can you ever be just whelmed?

I think you can in Europe?

lora.bee

@miwome I'm thinking of getting a Tercel...yeah that's a Toyota.

miwome

@lora.bee You embarrassed the girl. Sacrifice yourself on the altar of dignity and even the score!
Hey, don't talk to me like that. People can hear you.

Verity

@miwome That must be Nigel with the Brie.

miwome

@Verity Listen, I know Shakespeare's a dead white guy? But he knows his shit. So we can overlook that.

Verity

@miwome Kissing? That's what you think happens? I've got news for you. Kissing isn't what keeps me up to my elbows in placenta all day long.

miwome

@Verity I'm down, I've got the 411, and you are not getting jiggy with some hot rod, I don't care how dope his ride is.

My mama didn't raise no fool.

Verity

@miwome Just one question before we start: should you be drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?

miwome

@Verity Well, that was before she kissed me.
Where?
In the car!

lora.bee

@miwome No ritual animal slaughters of any kind! Oh God, I'm giving them ideas.

Verity

@lora.bee And I'm back in the game!

miwome

@Verity I KNOW EVERY COP IN TOWN, BUCKO

lora.bee

@miwome Have you seen the unwashed miscreants that go to that school?

Verity

@lora.bee Mr. Stratford, it’s just a party.
And Hell is just a sauna.

miwome

@Verity Maybe if we were the last two people on earth...and there were no sheep. Are there? Sheep?

lora.bee

@miwome Judith! What's another word for...engorged?

miwome

@lora.bee It was a bratwurst, I was joking with the lunchlady.
Well, aren't we confident.

slutberry

@miwome YESSSS

slutberry

@Verity I delivered a set of twins to a fifteen-year-old girl today, and do you know what she said to me?

I'm a crackwhore who should've made my skeezy boyfriend wear a condom?

... Close. But no. She said, "I should have listened to my father."

She did not!

Well, that's what she would've said if she wasn't so doped up!

miwome

@teffodee I have a dick on my face, don't I?

lora.bee

@miwome Where'd you come from, Planet Loser?

As opposed to Planet Look-at-me-look-at-me!

miwome

@lora.bee The shit hath hitteth the fan.

lora.bee

@teffodee Hates him with the fire of a thousand suns...that's a direct quote.

Verity

@teffodee There will be no plowing!

miwome

@Verity He once ate an entire duck. Everything but the beak and feet.

lora.bee

@miwome Don't touch anything. You might get hepatitis.

miwome

@lora.bee Has the fact that you're completely PSYCHO managed to escape your attention?

Verity

@miwome Ooo! Fight!

lora.bee

@Verity You're asking me to investigate the inner workings of my sister's twisted mind? I don't THINK so.

miwome

@lora.bee What is it with this chick, she have beer-flavored nipples?

Verity

@We're screwed.
Hey, no, hey. I don’t want to hear that defeatist attitude. I want to hear you upbeat.
We're screwed!
There you go.

lora.bee

@Verity As always, thank you for your excellent guidance. I'll let you get back to Reginald's quivering member.

Verity

@lora.bee Well, maybe you’re not afraid of me. But I’m sure you’ve thought about me naked, huh?
Am I that transparent? I want you, I need you, Oh baby, oh baby.

miwome

@Verity Remove head from sphincter, THEN drive!

lora.bee

@miwome That was Costa Rican, butthead!

Tragically Ludicrous

Somehow each of these are better than the last one. How is that even possible? I want to be Magnyfye Beard.

(Also some of them sound like African soccer players.)

backstagebethy

No-merit Vynall is my new go-to insult.

Ophelia

@backstagebethy Or music review. Christ, that album is some No-merit Vynall.

slutberry

Preserved Fish! Preserved Fish! Preserved Fish!

werewolfbarmitzvah

@teffodee Preserved Fish is my cat's favorite Puritan.

anderin

@teffodee I was so excited to see him on there! I'm a descendant of Mr. Fish. He's been a family joke for a long time...

Elsajeni

@teffodee PRESERVED FISH

SarahP

BATTALION SHOTBOLT

WHAT

miwome

@SarahP How did I miss that one?! I must write a novel immediately.

SarahP

@miwome Please tell me it's a bodice-ripper. And he's a rugged sea captain.

Dancercise

@SarahP
Or a spy thriller.

Shotbolt. Battalion Shotbolt.

miwome

@SarahP I think it'll be a quasi-historical war type deal? Definitely either a sea captain or like, a sergeant with a penchant for going rogue. Special Agent Gibbs, but bodice-ripping sea-battle style. With a dash of Viking berserker.

Thoughts? This will be the greatest crowdsourced novel ever.

JessicaLovejoy

@SarahP BRB, writing fanfic where he's distant relation of Kingsley Shacklebolt.

miwome

@Dancersize Something about the sound of the name, crossed with a fairly recent viewing of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, has convinced me that he and Benedict Cumberbatch are brothers. OR MAYBE FATHER AND SON, SEPARATED BY A WRINKLE IN TIME. This way it can be BOTH OF THE NOVELS.

Ophelia

@miwome Seriously, though, it needs to happen On The High Seas, at least for a few chapters.

Megasus

@miwome I feel like he should have a penchant for elaborate coats. And eyes the colour of gillyflowers.

miwome

@Megan Patterson@facebook He's got an incongruously tiny cat that can nonetheless take out five men in battle. And he goes all tender and protective over her in private/at odd moments.

EpWs

@JessicaLovejoy @miwome Let me know when you're done so I can start pitching these to movie studios.

Dancercise

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher
The cat's name is Creature Cheeseman.

EpWs

@Dancersize Of course it is.

miwome

@Dancersize No, he loves her too tenderly! She has a cool name, I'm thinking Wrestling Brewster. Preserved Fish could be a minor villain, though, and we could totally work in Creature Cheeseman as, like, an ensign who doesn't know his ass from his elbow. Comic relief through incompetence, you know.

EpWs

@miwome No, no, Creature Cheeseman has to be the cat! It is the best cat name of all time!

Dancercise

@miwome
This is a much better idea. Then our hero could cry out "CHEESEMANNNNN!" in anguish every time our bumbling but lovable side character does something eye-roll-able.

Dancercise

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher
Uh oh... creative differences.

miwome

@Dancersize Plus he can yell, "Get 'em, Wrestling!"

EpWs

@Dancersize I'm just the agent. You guys are the real stars. Until we get actors in here, then they're the real stars. I'm thinking Patton Oswalt as Cheeseman?

miwome

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Mmmmaybe. I was thinking maybe somebody a little younger?

This does lead us to who should play Battalion himself, though. I feel like it should be a guy who's middle-aged (or at least Not A Youngun) but obviously still sexalicious, and a fairly substantially built guy? I'm blanking.

Do you guys think he has an Arranged Fiance back home named Redivivia Mathews who he's ignoring for his badass unconsummated flame, Clemency Chawncey? Please advise.

Megasus

@miwome And the cat lives in his rucksack/kit bag. AND it offers inappropriate advice on how to pick up laydeez.

Dancercise

@miwome
Jason Isaacs?

EpWs

@miwome Viggo Mortensen? Daniel Craig? Robert Downey Junior?

Also, yes, flames and fiances galore.

miwome

@Dancersize Hmmm. Maybe in this beardy picture? The problem is that he doesn't really blow my skirt up, so to speak, but is it really fair to base this on who toots my whistle?

@Megan Patterson@facebook Oh, yes, the cat definitely does offer such advice. Although I think sometimes she has a special leather seat on top of one of the spare horses and Rides In State.

miwome

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher What I'm looking for is basically any of those men (particularly Viggo) crossed with Captain Haddock. DOES HE EXIST.

Weirdly, right now I am wishing Michael Fassbender were older.

Dancercise

@miwome
I was thinking more rugged-and-swashbuckling-Patriot-style Jason Isaacs.

Also? The cat is an orange tabby, right? No question about it.

Megasus

@miwome By the time this is written and has become an international bestselling book sensation HE WILL BE.

EpWs

@miwome Just put a beard on it. And Megan Patterson@facebook has a very valid point.

miwome

@Megan Patterson@facebook YOU ARE A GENIUS.

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I-if you liked it then you shoulda put a beard on it/I-if you liked it then you shoulda put a beard on it/woh oh oh, oh oh oh, stub-ble, oh, oh oh oh

Okay, I have a friend who did his undergraduate thesis about a mutiny at sea, I have to consult with him on...a lot of things.

Hella

@SarahP Someone actually has done this! Courtney Milan has a really nice romance series, where her heroes' dreadful names actually figure as plot-points (each one is cursed by their mother with a Bible verse for a name).

Xanthophyllippa

@JessicaLovejoy I WANT TO READ THIS.

Dancercise

Creature Cheeseman. I can't even.

redheaded&crazy

@Dancersize some of these are included just to fuck with us right?!?!

Marzipan

@Dancersize 'Creature Cheeseman' is clearly just some kind of cheese-yeti in disguise. He's not even trying! I hope he at least shaved his cheese-mustache (to blend in).

rayray

Love Appletree? Cutest name ever?

isavedlatin

I once saw the grave of proto-pornstar Freelove Angell (d. 1788) in Providence, RI.

miwome

@isavedlatin I hope you paid your respects.

isavedlatin

@miwome oh, I did.

Xanthophyllippa

@isavedlatin Me too! I also used to walk down his street every day to go to class.

JessicaLovejoy

Just naming kids after things they do? Is that what's hot in the (unpaved, shit-stained, old-timey) streets?

Googled Alan Rickman as Judge Turpin for 45 Minutes Today Lovejoy!

SarahP

@JessicaLovejoy It's what you hope your kid will be, or how you were feeling at the time of birth.

I-can't-believe-I-gave-up-drinking-for-this-squirmy-crying-alien-thing Smith, for example.

Ophelia

@SarahP GET-THE-F*CK-OUT Jones?

Bittersweet

@SarahP: Wow-this-spinal-is-some-good-shit Anderson?

EpWs

@SarahP Why-the-hell-is-it-pooping-all-the-time Johnson?

SarahP

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher

I-can't-believeI-pooped-on-the-delivery-table Watkins

EpWs

@SarahP This-damn-baby-ripped-my-WHAT Jacobs

Ophelia

@SarahP Dear-God-Stop-Crying Jenkins

EpWs

@SarahP You've-ruined-my-body White

Ophelia

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Stretch-Marks McGee

EpWs

@Ophelia I'm-Going-To-Kill-That-Man Jackson

Ophelia

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher This-Is-All-Your-Fault Tompkins

EpWs

@Ophelia Future-President Miller

PistolPackinMama

@all of you: I can't, at this moment, think of anything/one I like better than this list/you.

Next-time-it's-two-forms-of-birth-control Henson.

Ophelia

@PistolPackinMama Aaaaw. That's so nice, but tell it to Keep-Your-Mother-In-The-Waiting-Room Cooper.

EpWs

@Ophelia Where-the-fuck-are-my-ice-chips Robinson wants to know what's up with all the yelling.

Xanthophyllippa

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Go-The-Fuck-To-Sleep Smith?

Verity Kindle

This means I get to link one of my favorite sketch shows ever, featuring Fight-the-good-fight-of-faith and Silence-discipline-search-the-scriptures: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bk0hE4IdVQs

.
.

@Verity Kindle That is the first thing I thought of!I love Horrible Histories.

Roaring Girl

I still prefer The Quite Reverend Mightily-Praiseworthy-Are-Ye-Who-Exalteth-Om Oats.

EpWs

@Roaring Girl Any relation to Honey Bunches Of?

area@twitter

@Roaring Girl Second only to Constable Visit-The-Infidel-With-Explanatory-Pamphlets and his associate, Smite-the-Unbeliever-With-Cunning-Arguments.

Andrea K@twitter

24. Vyctorye Buttres

Putting extraneous Ys in baby names is suddenly given way more historical credence than I like...

SarahP

@Andrea K@twitter Yeah but there were no systems for standardizing spelling back then!

SarahP

@SarahP I was going to say "people couldn't spell back then," but that is also clearly the case now.

gigglefest

@Andrea K@twitter My thoughts exactly!!

Also, Inspektor Pilot and Apple aren't looking half bad right now. Shiloh and Suri are downright normal, considering.

Layla

Ooh ooh, my niece's middle name is Love and her last name is Richley. Love Richley almost fits! (But is obviously much prettier and cuter. And also, she has a first name.) I'll just be over here softly muttering Creature Cheeseman.

Dancercise

@Layla
creature cheesemannnnnn...

remargaret

I think they sell the Helpless Henley at Anthropologie.

redheaded&crazy

wow these poor kids.

Puritan Lucille Bluth would name her kids No-merit, Weakly, Humiliation, and Obey

gigglefest

@redheadedandcrazy How willing are you to provide an answer key as to which names refer to which characters? I feel like all of them are Buster...

pollykettle

@gigglefest Gob is No-merit

redheaded&crazy

@pollykettle I dunno, I'm pretty sure Lindsay is No-merit. I mean, that nose ...

BadWolf

I am SO sad "Pious Ejaculations" isn't actually ON this list. But "Preserved Fish" almost makes up for it, plus every other thing that has ever gone wrong...

slutberry

@BadWolf PIOUS EJACULATIONS SHOULD MARRY ABSTINENCE, PLEASE

Lili L.

Missing from this wonderful list: Thankful Fish, who dreamed of remedies. (Perhaps a relative of Preserved?)

remargaret

@Lili L. Thankful Fish, who dreamed of starting a Grateful Dead/Phish tribute band.

Ophelia

I wonder if Unfeigned Panckhurst is an ancestor of Emma Panckhurst?

Megasus

Vyctorye Buttres!!!!!
!!
!

Kivrin

@Megan Patterson@facebook I'm puzzling over the pronunciation of that surname. Is it pronounced "buttress"? Or "butters"? Or en français, "boo-trey"? Or "butt-rez"? So many possibilities!

Megasus

@Kivrin I'm pronouncing it like "Butt-rys

Inconceivable!

...wait. These are REAL??? Moon Unit Zappa doesn't sound so strange anymore.

Inconceivable!

Also, did No-merit Vynall's parents hate him? (her?) Because that name is way harsh, Tai

EpWs

I'm not seeing Thou-Shalt-Not-Commit-Adultery Pulsifer here...

Does Axl have a jack?

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher No Praise-Him-All-Ye-Works-of-the-Lord-and-Flye-Fornication Smith either.

Coal Tar Epoxy

I wonder if Sorry-for-sin Coupard was conceived out of wedlock?

Bittersweet

My husband has a (Puritan) ancestress named Submit Hurlburt. She and Obey Larkford probably got on very well.

SarahP

@Bittersweet Nah, nothing happened... they were always waiting for each other to initiate.

redheaded&crazy

@SarahP hahahahahahaaha

that is all

Apocalypstick

@Bittersweet Two subs? Recipe for disappointment.

Xanthophyllippa

@SarahP But which one of them was better at taking direction for oral?

Decca

Hey Sarah Marshall, I thought you were cool after reading this listicle but then I clicked over to your Tumblr and saw that your picture is a still from Tootsie and now I guess I'd like to propose to you?

gobblegirl

I think Repentence Water is what you drink all day when you’re hungover?

4and20blkbirds

The comments are making me laugh more than the list did

EpWs

@4and20blkbirds Hence the beauty of the Hairpin.

Mrs. PotatoHead

Q: What to do after I finish this glass of wine?
A: Replenish French.

Verity

If-Christ-had-not-died-for-thee-thou-hadst-been-damned Barebone is the best. (My friend is an Early Modern historian by inclination, and we have had many conversations in which she excitedly shared Puritan names with me.) My own Puritan name (virtue names! Collect the whole set!) is much less exciting; I feel cheated.

EpWs

@Verity Temperance? Abstinence? Patience?

Verity

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Verity, actually.

Verity

@Verity (It's a stealth virtue name.)

D.@twitter

Verity is quite pretty. I am finding differing accounts of what the Seven Virtues officially are: Chastity, Temperance, Charity, Diligence, Patience, Kindness & Humility, but also Faith, Hope, Prudence, Fortitude*, Justice.

*Arguably the same thing as Fortitude

EpWs

@Verity Love it! Also, I feel like stealth should be a virtue.

miwome

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Stealth, and also Armor+10. Maybe Big-fucking-sword.

Craftastrophies

@miwome Bag of holding.

miwome

@Craftastrophies Just a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down...

Wookiee Hole

@D.@twitter If I remember my CCD correctly, as well as the little song I made up to remember the 7 Virtues (remember, there is going to be a test) they are: 1. Wisdom, 2. Understanding, 3. Counsel, 4. Fortitude, 5. Knowledge, 6. Piety, Wonder & Awe. Of course, this is the modernized version for 13-year-olds circa 2002.

I remembered this but not the Apostles' Creed. Sorry Church.

D.@twitter

All those names, but the one that made me really guffaw was "Kill-sin Pimple. HAH! Your name is Pimple!! He must have had an awkward adolescence (assuming he lived that long). I have to say, I've got to hand it to the Puritans for thinking outside beyond the John-Mary-Elizabeth-William box.

And maybe the whole religious intolerance thing that led to the eviction of the Puritans was actually a big misunderstanding? Maybe when they were screaming, "REPENT! REPENT!" they were actually just calling a kid into dinner and not impugning their heathen community members?

celacia

<3 you, Elizabeth Freake and baby Mary. One of my favorite paintings ever.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

You KNOW Beyonce is wishing this had been posted a month ago.

nevernude cutoffs

And one of these is about to become my okcupid username. I've been drinking.

PistolPackinMama

@nevernude cutoffs Aaaaaaaaa! Yesssss! LOVE IT.

(drinking and OKC= the real perfect match)

EpWs

@nevernude cutoffs Which one which one?

nevernude cutoffs

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I really wanted Battalion Shotbolt. But then thought that might be sending an odd signal for some men, and something like Love Appletree or Faithful Teate would work better for this type of situation. And then I realized I'm a woman on a dating site, so it doesn't matter what my name is. And also, those names contain too many letters.

EpWs

@nevernude cutoffs Hold up, there's a character limit on OKC? That is nonsense.

nevernude cutoffs

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher it's tomfoolery and I wont stand for it! I also fell asleep and left it incomplete.

lucindajane

I am descended from the Brewsters! And also one Thankful Clapp, which is cute.

theheckle

This restores in me the faith that a very nice woman will someday allow me to entertain the idea of naming a child, Macon The Rounds.

EpWs

@theheckle Were I the type of lady who wanted kids and was single, I would totally allow this.

Xanthophyllippa

Mr. Barebone is an interesting mystery - he is alternately the son of Praisegod Barebone or Praisegod Barebone himself ("Praisegod" was his nickname, apparently.). If I still had my early modernist druthers, I'd spend some time tracking this down past Wikipedia, but alas, I am reformed.

Jen Alien-Spouse@twitter

My Mum has done quite a bit of family tree research, and the most out there name she has found (so far)was Triskett; in light of Preserved Fish etc, that begins to sound downright sensible.

someofmybestfriends

Puritan baby names, or Lemony Snicket characters?

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bill.marks

If I still had my early modernist druthers, I'd spend some time tracking this down past Wikipedia, but alas, I am reformed. rent a tent

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