*Never.
I went to college close to one of the greatest little-known art museums in America, which is the Clark Art Institute, in Williamstown, Massachusetts. My sophomore year, they announced a giant party in honor of the museum’s 50th anniversary, during which the galleries would be open for 50 straight hours.
My friend Alison and I were going to go, obviously. We were going to go, late at night, and even though I was bad at pot, we were going to get high first. (Yes, this is one of those stories.) And so, at around three in the morning in the middle of the museum's 50-hour open stretch, we set out. I don’t remember getting there. In my memory is a vague blur of climbing out of a van? None of us owned a van?
The first thing I do remember clearly is coming face to face (to facade? L O L?) with Monet’s Rouen cathedral.
Which, I mean, that gallery description: “His heavy application of paint has a sculptural quality similar to that of the cathedral itself.” All those heavy impasto whorls, the inviting fall of light, the magic-eye quality that Monet has. Oh my God, I wanted to put my whole face on it.
Since it was three in the morning, there was only one security guard leaning against the wall several feet away. I glanced at her sideways. She looked bored.
“Excuse me?” said the security guard. “You’re standing too close to the art.”
“Okay,” I said, straightening immediately. “Yes, sorry ma’am, sorry.”
Touch me, the painting said.
“Ma’am,” the guard said, more sharply. “Could you stand back, please.”
I was leaning at about a 45-degree angle toward the Monet, one finger tentatively extended, a look of greed/craftiness/anticipation on my face. I did not think she would notice.
“What?” I said.
“You can’t touch the art,” the guard said patiently.
“No ma’am,” I said. “Yes ma’am, I am not. Sorry.” I shook my head. Yes, no, we were not touching anything, ma’am, yes.
Touch me, the painting whispered.
The security guard went back to her post. I don’t know why. At this point it was clear that we were going to touch the painting. She should clearly have had us removed, or killed.
“It has a face in it,” Alison said. “It’s right — ” She moved her hand closer, trying to show me, and her finger accidentally brushed the painting.
We both froze. I think we were expecting an alarm to go "WOOP! WOOP! WOOP!" and the whole place to close down like in The Thomas Crown Affair.
Nothing happened. The guard glanced at us suspiciously, and looked away again. Then I fucking went for it.
Have you ever touched an outdoor plaster wall? You know, that smooth-pebbled texture? If you're curious about what touching a Monet is like, it has that same pleasant roughness, a kind of glossy scrape on your thumb. But have you ever touched an outdoor plaster wall while gazing at a beautiful sunset that is somehow made of the plaster wall, and the guy who built the plaster wall has been dead for a hundred years but somehow he’s hanging out with you because you and he and God are all touching his wall?
I made a weird sound. Alison and I stared wildly at each other.
I feel like this is a good time to reemphasize that you really shouldn’t touch the art. Everybody knows that. I’m not going to be like, “Oooh, what is art for if not to transcend the boundaries of life and death? Ohhh, how can we truly experience connection with an artist except through the glorious human gift of touch?” I should have experienced it with my eyeballs, that’s how.
“I’m going to need you girls to stand at least twelve inches back from the painting,” the guard said, appearing at our side.
“Yes, no, thank you,” Alison said. “We're going to look at other art now.” And so we left.
Ruth Jackson has never done drugs again, Mom.
Oh GOD, I've always wanted to touch paintings like this (completely sober). Now after reading that terrible/wonderful paragraph I'm going to want to do so even more.
@thebestjasmine Seconded. It seems as amazing as I've always thought it would be.
@thebestjasmine Thirded(?) I'm convinced that in that moment, I would know all the secrets of the universe.
@meetapossum I knooooow. Especially the ones that are all tactile and have layered paint on them. I almost went insane in the Van Gogh museum because I wanted to touuuuuuuuuch.
@thebestjasmine Mannnn if museums don't want us to touch paintings then WHY DO THEY COLLECT ALL THE BEAUTIFUL ONES? Important questions I no longer ask myself because social shame is a powerful weapon.
@thebestjasmine At the National Museum of Ireland in Dublin you can put your face SO CLOSE to the Jack Yeats paintings, and I was DYING not being able to touch them. SO many lumps!
@thebestjasmine I sincerely wish that someone would somehow create a cast of the famous paintings so I could touch them and have that experience of touching it without ruining everything forever. I mean part of it is tracing the movements of the actual painter but it's worth it just to touch. TOUCH.
@thebestjasmine I was in the Louvre recently, and came within sneezing distance of a Botticelli, which was one of the great thrills of my life. I wanted to stick my nose right onto it and sniiiiiiffffff, just to...I don't know...inhale the history and amazingness of it? It's so hard to avoid the temptation, 'specially with works that have really chunky, swirly, tactile, TOUCH ME paint. But it thrills me in a Horatio Caine fashion to think that the DNA of Henry VIII's prisoners is probably still splattered all over the Tower of London, or that you could possibly touch the the cobblestones in an ancient city and hear the laments of dying plague victims.
History and its relics = AWESOME.
This reminds me of how my dad insisted on sticking his fingers into the mouths of statues at Villa Borghese. THE RAPE OF PERSEPHONE IS THERE, IT'S A BIG DEAL. we cannot take him anywhere.
@Third Wave Housewife :
This reminds me of how I'd like your dad to go on my next vacation with me!
@Third Wave Housewife The Borghese is amazing. I teared up at the Daphne and Apollo, it was so beautifully sculpted. The Rape of Persephone is also incredible.
@Third Wave Housewife ALL THE BERNINI. That place is incredible. Also it has those pine trees that look like Truffula trees. Too much awesome in one place.
@bitzy OMG THE BERNINI. Simply stunning. There's one statue where the male is grabbing the female's thigh and it LOOKS LIKE IT'S REAL.
"I went to college close to one of the greatest little-known art museums in America, which is the Clark Art Institute, in Williamstown, Massachusetts. "
Decoded: I went to Williams, bitchez! I'm fancy.
-Student at a not-as-prestigious NESCAC school
@rossiferous The important thing is that you've got a good attitude about it.
@rossiferous Ooh, which NESCAC are you?
@BoozinSusan Batez Cawledge, baby. Bobcats are actually quite cute when you Google Image search them.
@rossiferous I lurrrve Batesies! I was a Bowdoiner myself. Will readily admit that you guys were way more laid-back and cool : )
@rossiferous Well thank you! My experiences with Bowdoiners (Bowdoinites? Or does no one say that?) have been uniformly positive, although the only ones I've really hung out with are theatre kids so I have a pretty narrow perspective.
there are these little paintings at the clark that have cobblestones in them that are positively pet-able. I feel you.
@Beth Anne Royer "I feel you."
I see what you did there.
Also, I had an episode like this, I think at an exhibit of centuries old palace furniture. I just HAD to sit in one of the chairs. I'm lucky the damned thing didn't explode into sawdust under me. It was a momentary lapse.
This story made my throat tighten because OH MAN NEVER TOUCH PRICELESS AND IMPORTANT OIL PAINTINGS!!!!! But I understand. I understand.
Oh my God. As an art historian/curator-in-training(I think?) (ew I sound so obnoxious, sorry everyone), I have the biggest scowl on my face right now. PLEASE YOU GUYS. DO NOT DO THIS. EVER. PLEASE.
*breathes into a paper bag as tears roll down my face*
@elysian fields We can hold each other. It's all right. It's all right. Just think of all the nice cotton gloves we have.
@elysian fields No no no, It's ok, I am a former curator (also sounds so obnoxious) now grad student training for something and I had to scroll through this story very quickly, and I'm still hyperventilating.
deep breaths.
deep deep breaths.
@elysian fields Agreed. Not a fan of this post.
@thisisunclear And to THAT painting? Oh god if I keep thinking about it I'm going to cry. The Rouen Cathedral series! The beeeest.
Then again, see my story below. Kids in museum is just a really really scary idea.
@elysian fields IF IT HELPS I FEEL AWFUL TO THIS DAY AND THE PAINTING SEEMS TO BE DOING FINE
@elysian fields It's OK. Not a curator, but a classicist. DON'T TOUCH STUFF, YOU GUYS. It seriously does ruin the art.
@elysian fields Yeah, I work at an art museum (obnoxious) and this post makes me...upset. One-of-a-kind work of art by a genius who is dead = Do. not. touch.
UGH YOU GUYS
are you saying i shouldn't have licked that kandinsky that one time
BECAUSE I DID
A LOT
@melis What have we always told you damn kids about using tongue?!
I LICKED IT LIKE A BAUHAUS
@melis YOU WOULD
@melis did it taste like beautiful music
@elysian fields @thisisunclear YES. as a chemist who has worked extensively with museums to restore paintings that have been touched too much (okay, not entirely true, but damaged paintings), don't touch them. It's really hard/expensive to fix.
@thisisunclear So what you're saying here is that the LSD carefully misted over certain avant-garde modern art pieces is going to go unconsumed by observers? And thus that no one will ever get what the artists were really trying to say? Goddammit.
@melis i once licked a vettriano.... but i feel like no one could get upset about that. it was just propped up against the sofa, looking slutty
@contrary hey... i'm a chemist who works with museums! hi, it's a small field.
@elysian fields and everyone else OK OK OK OK OK As a fellow art historian/ curator in training/ classicist/ art dillhole sometimes I have to say:
I LOL'ed.
Ugh, I've been in galleries where they put glass over the works, and you can't see any of the beautiful detail because of all the stupid reflections and it's just outrageous!
@Bus Driver Stu Benedict This is why we can't have nice things.
@Bus Driver Stu Benedict YES. They did this to like half the paintings at the Courtauld Gallery (otherwise an excellent place with a reasonably-priced gift shop and free admission on Monday mornings; go to!) and it made me nuts because of the glare/reflections. I think it's the worst with Impressionist works. :(
@Bus Driver Stu Benedict Well, you can thank people Ruth Jackson for the glass. Sorry, Ruth. Had to do it.
Related: do not touch the Acropolis. Do not even touch the signs describing the acropolis to cover up Greek letters to spell out the name of the sorority you were in in college. The guards will get very, very mad.
@Alexandra Martell yeah but those guards are like, Greek right, so they're just gonna sit up, lift a finger, open their mouths ... and then think better of it, go back to chillin around.
OH MY GOD I'M HORRIBLE. Okay but the reason I said made this somewhat off-colour joke is because when I visited the acropolis, our tour guide was like yeahhh so they were gonna renovate this bad boy in time for the olympics, but the greek construction workers didn't get anything done so we had to bring in germans.
FORESHADOWING.
@redheadedandcrazy http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/weekend-update-segment-olympics-construction/1349638
She should clearly have had us removed, or killed.
As an art historian: ASDFGHJ yes, she should have! Deep breaths. Deep breaths.
(Not like I'm much better. The first time I was left alone with a 15th century printed book, I actually put my lips to the paper.)
@wallsdonotfall I may or may not have done something similar with a ginourmous Nevelson sculpture. I feel that I am at least excused of some of my art sin because Nevelson aren't old at all (flimsy excuse, I am not ashamed).
I licked the entire Domesday Book
@melis
That - that - don't say things like that to me in public.
@melis I ATED A PIECE OF THE VOYNICH MANUSCRIPT.
@MollyculeTheory I used the Bayeaux Tapestry as a napkin at a Brazilian steakhouse, was that bad
I spilled a little chimichurri on it but it came out in the wash
I know it looks like I misspelled 'Bayeux' but I definitely didn't. It's your eyes, they're doing this weird thing right now, it's kind of hard to explain. Maybe you should get them checked out.
(PS I also licked the Winchester Psalter the last time I had a really bad cold)
@melis I don't understand how you've spent so much time talking about licking paintings and never once quoted that Monty Python sketch in the art gallery.
"Stop chewing that Turner!"
Speaking of antiquities, I licked your mom once.
OK, maybe twice, but no more
Damn. I once touched one of the malachite inlaid columns at the Hermitage in Saint Petersburg and promptly got screamed at in Russian by one of the little old ladies who works there. But YOU GUYS there are gorgeous inlaid columns all OVER that museum and I just needed to caress one! Only one! Only once!
@Sarah Solomon They probably thought you were another crazy person come to throw acid on things.
@Sarah Solomon OH MY G-D I was just going to say that I got too close to one of the paintings at the Russian Museum in St. Pete and the nearest babushka said, very sternly, "RUKAMI NI TROGATS'A!" ("We do not touch with our hands!") Or possibly it was PAL'TSAMI NI TROGATS'A, which is more about fingers. Either way it was the scariest thing ever. I am pretty sure she was going to put me over her knee and spank me if I got any closer.
@Sarah Solomon Being stern is just their THING in life, you know? You can't be scared or take it personally. My personal favorite is the babushkas they hire to stand around and yell at people not to walk in the street when they are knocking the snow and ice off the building. At first I thought it was just like, babushkas who felt like yelling at people, but then I realized it was an actual JOB.
@psychedelicate and then there are the babushki who glare at you on the metro and if you don't get up they say, "HOW ARE YOU NOT ASHAMED OF YOURSELF." Sternly, although that probably goes without saying.
@Sarah Solomon Oh my god the number of inappropriate things I have wanted to do to things in the Hermitage! But there are old ladies on wooden chairs in Ever Room. And the story of the acid and the Danae makes me so saaaad (but also it looks pretty much fine now so really how much damage could I do with my hand oils?) for the painting itself and the museum staff that I WANT to be good.
OH MY GOD. I touched a Monet too. Well, at least I had an excuse, I was five.
We were standing in front of gorgeous water lilies at the Musee D'Orsay, and my mother had just read that kid's book to me, about the little American girl who learns about Monet and travels to see his paintings and house with her upstairs neighbor old man? And I was very excited by Monet.
I looked left, I looked right. My mother was standing beside me but ignoring me. The museum guard was telling other people off. This was my chance.
Carefully I reached out, and placed my entire palm on the canvas. I stood there for a few seconds, smug. Then I removed it and my mother's attention returned to me and she led me by the hand to go look at some Van Goghs.
VIVID MEMORY!
PS - it was this bad boy:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/wallyg/1392909195/
Someone's going to shine a black light over it someday and find a child-sized palm print on it.
@tbird LINNEA. I loved that book. It made me want to become a botanist.
@Gertrude DO IT!
@tbird That was my FAVORITE book as a child, maybe even today.
@tbird That was one of my favorite books! And that painting is so mesmerizing in person--I'm glad your tiny hand didn't ruin it. When I was little, someone gave me a Linnea doll, and I didn't like it because I thought the embroidery around her eyes made her look mentally retarded. I was sort of an awful child.
PLEASE DON'T DO THIS.
Last week a woman tripped and fell while trying to take a picture of our beautiful 17th century silver howdah (elephant saddle) and decided to break her fall on the goddamn howdah. I hate people! People are the worst! People keep trying to touch the goddamn Chinese urns! THAT SHIT IS LITERALLY 6,000 YEARS OLD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING. SIX THOUSAND YEARS OLD.
THEN IT HAD A GOOD RUN DIDN'T IT
LET'S ALL LICK ALL OF THE ART YOU GUYS
@Diana In Pompeii, I saw a lady walk up to a delicate painted curlicue, which through a rare quirk of volcanic activity had survived from ancient Rome to the present day, and rub at it with her finger! Why, lady? To see if it would come off? Aaaargh!
@melis Just don't lick the Chris Ofili. I'm only concerned for your health.
@Diana
The funny thing is that at our museum on New Year's Eve we have this awesome ceremony where we drag out the 2,100 pound 16th century Japanese Buddhist temple bell and the public gets to hit it with a tiny battering ram. Let me repeat: we take a 400 year old piece from our collection and you get to hit it with a tiny battering ram. 108 times! So we're sympathetic! You need to get it out of your system, we will let you hit the art! Just not all of it! Just not the 6000 year old Chinese urns.
@Diana I had to leave the room at the end of whatever rush hour movie that was where they were using all the urns to fight Jackie Chan, because he kept trying to save them. I couldn't DEAL.
I also can't watch Indiana Jones. WORST ARCHAEOLOGIST EVER.
@Pixa Or Marcel Duchamp's Fountain.
Honestly, I feel like if the Boston MFA is going to let Amanda Palmer get naked in one of its galleries, they should at least let us all touch a painting or two.
@Daisy Razor How about at LEAST one of the spikes on the Chihuly tower thing?
@SarahP Every Chihuly I've ever seen has tasted like ribbon candy in my head.
@Xanthophyllippa Troof.
I wish I could remember the painting, but I think I was 9 years old so it was a little while back. Anyway, I was at possibly the Smithsonian in DC and my grandma and I were admiring a painting of some women in big silly Victorian dresses, and when she asked me which dress I liked best I pointed to the one in yellow. The guard barked at me from across the room, thinking I had touched it, but instead my finger was just very very very close.
I still have quite a fondness for yellow dresses.
Urgh.. restraining myself so hard reading this.. I worked for years in art and GAH! What I did to prevent people from doing this!! Oh the stories, the Europeans and their hands all over the art! Catching people poking when they thought I wasn't looking. (long story... grrr....) But Europeans seemed to have a different attitude as if all art was their's to touch. One woman literally said to me "too bad for you!" when I repeated my near mantra of "Get your unwashed paws off that Mondrian!" (I should say, this was never in a museum)
@maevemealone That sentence should be in a museum.
@maevemealone But NOT TO TOUCH.
Oh! Other story! In Istanbul there is this fantastic archaeological museum that has so much amazing stuff on display (sarcophagus of Alex the great, lions that guarded the gates of Babylon, you know, no big deal). Actually, they have so much really awesome stuff that the lesser ancient artifacts were just kinda stashed in a hall off to the side of the bathrooms. Like, oh, that 4000 year old statue only has one arm left? Toss it in the hallway. ANOTHER bronze dagger? Ugh, hallway.
My friends and I tiptoed around the semi-discarded goods in awe.
@insouciantlover Now see that's where I'd have a problem not touching.
I get the paintings and all that, but I can control myself, because we ALL know (we do!) that you do NOT touch art because then people 200 years from now will say "They were suuuch barbarians". But artifacts? Laying around? *whimper* Must touch.
@Dusk *whispers* my fingers may have accidentally grazed an old marble sculpture or two.
@insouciantlover I found a room like this in the Vatican Museum too. It was just full of partial Roman statues that they didn't even bother to try to label or anything so my friend and I walked around ID'ing gods by their accoutrements.
@insouciantlover The national museum in Damascus is like this. Just, "oh, some Ugaritic mythological text written in stone? Wev, we have some shelf space twelve rooms away, right?"
Is it just me or does this sound like some weird, fetish-type shit? Especially homegirl's dad sticking his fingers in statues' mouths. That's some True Life shit.
@ReginalTSquirge@twitter Impastophila?
@ReginalTSquirge@twitter EXCUSE U
@ReginalTSquirge@twitter I dunno. The amount of effort and detail some old-time sculptors went to in the name of total realism is hyper-impressive. Like I guess one of the ways people tell Greek masters' originals from later Roman copies is that the Greek statues are true-to-life everywhere while the Romans didn't bother finishing the detail-work on the parts of the statue you don't see. I can kind of understand the impulse to be like "omg they carved this one with a missing tooth" or something.
Honestly though, being open at 3am aren't they kind of asking for it? I think they're lucky no one threw up on it.
@Xaxa are...are you slut-shaming a museum?! They should have been carrying pepper spray if they were out at 3am!
I absolutely told a tourist not to touch a very old egyptian statue in the Louvre. I told him in English AND French. A guard thanked me. Don't get me started on the kid who stuck gum on Frankenthaler's "The Bay" in my home museum, the Detroit Institute of Art.
@charlesbois DIA! My fave. I once saw the White Stripes play there, just in front of the Diego Riveras. Pretty damn cool.
@charlesbois My sister and I do this to people when we visit museums too. Why are people such spootheads?
@charlesbois I hope he got life without parole.
@charlesbois I am the person who yells "No Flash!" to perfect strangers. As such, I applaud you.
@charlesbois Awesome—seriously—awesome! Why does everyone at a museum think they are "more special" than everyone else, and touch the art? Barbarians!
@hopelessshade You get a round of applause, too. It takes courage to do that. I nearly got into an argument with someone flashing away—her response was "Our tour guide didn't tell us we couldn't use flash!"
@Gertrude We were very likely standing near one another!
@charlesbois Oh god. I divided my limited time in the Louvre between seething at all the idiots wandering around taking flash picutres and thinking I would get arrested for taking non-flash film pictures in the sculpture gallery. (A guard was kind of following me! But I think he was trying to watch the amusing twitchy girl.)
I have a dear friend who is a paintings conservator. He told me one of the main reasons he chose this field after majoring in art history was so he could touch the art. He recently worked on the restoration of Demoiselles d'Avignon...
@ejcsanfran Your friend is effing brilliant.
@ejcsanfran No joke, I nearly went into archaeology for that very reason. I may or may not have had a burning desire to not only touch but actually wear some ancient Egyptian jewelry. IT WOULD MAKE MY ENTIRE LIFE WORTH IT, OKAY, SHUT UP.
@ejcsanfran I have done some professional art touching in restoration (not anything as serious as your friend though, a Picasso? swoon) and let me tell you, IT IS AMAZING.
@contrary Have you guys seen the blog of the restoration of Bedroom at arles (which is my single favourite painting, ever)?
http://www.vangoghmuseum.nl/blog/slaapkamergeheimen/en/
I think it's a good practice to start your museum visit with art you can touch (Felix Gonzalez Torres) or walk all over (Carl Andre), just to expiate that impulse. Then you can keep your stoner fingers OFF THE GD MONET!!!!
@Charismatic Megafauna Or Fernando Botero. He made these plump statues with smooooth surfaces, that were destined to be touched, and this was stated at the exhibition. Needless to say, I touched and patted and caressed the hell out of them :D
this is SO GREAT.
You could have rouen'd it.
@atipofthehat: The very thought of touching the art puts Matisse on edge.
@atipofthehat: Ahahahhahaha. KAPOW!!
@ejcsanfran No amount of Monet could ever repair that damage.
@Mingus_Thurber If I ever saw anyone touching the art in a museum I would tell them to take their things and van Gogh.
@Nutmeg Oh, Pollocks.
I used to work in a science museum, and I quickly came to hate everyone who thought that rules like "don't touch" or "don't beat on the glass" didn't apply to them. (Related: I also hate people who don't read signs.) It's even more obnoxious because there were so many things you COULD touch, yet they were mostly interested in touching the animals and things they could hurt. Kids could be pretty bad with this, but I hated the teenagers and adults far more.
@Coatlicue: IDEA! Very near the beginning, place a high voltage/low amperage thing that is electrified, with a 'please do not touch' sign. People touch, get shocked (enough to alarm but not to hurt). Training!
@Too Much Internet I worked at a marine science center. After realizing how cruel children are to animals, I stopped really caring when they got bitten by the permanantly hungry and pissed off fish after I told them to keep their hands out of the tank.
@Too Much Internet This! And when they touch something they're supposed to touch, they get a little food pellet.
I was a tour guide at historic house for a couple years and I had this really enthusiastic mother and daughter to show around once. They were so into everything, loved the history, and were so excited that they actually OPENED UP THE SEWING TABLE IN THE DRAWING ROOM AND OH MY GOD THERE WERE ACTUAL NEEDLES AND THREAD INSIDE! It happened so fast I couldn't stop them. It was amazing and terrifying to behold.
I can't remember where it was but I was looking at a piece of ancient pottery. Next to it was a little sign that said, "Please don't blow on the pottery". My thoughts were, in order, "What were the circumstances that necessitated that sign?" and "Now I want to blow on the pottery!"
@laurel: Someone was trying to start the world's most vintage jug band.
@Too Much Internet: Probably a hipster. He was into jug bands before they were cool.
@laurel Maybe it was dusty?
Anyway, they probably got spit on the pottery, which is so bad, and also pretty gross.
This seems supremely relevant: http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/photos/25-people-molesting-statues
@SuperGogo The group of statues of guys laughing is in my neighbourhood. I don't really like it, but one time someone stuck an orange in one of the mouths, which was pretty funny.
@Xaxa HA! I feel proud that I didn't even have to click the link to know the statues you were referring to. I found their faces a little creepy, but was still supremely frustrated when I couldn't get any pictures without people in them. (I hate pictures with people I don't know in them.)
@SuperGogo: I think the one of the cupid about to beat up the blond guy is the best one.
@Xanthophyllippa There's ALWAYS people around those statues. People love them, but I don't get it.
Agh, you guys, my boyfriend is a painter, and I get to touch his pieces sometimes, and honestly, it is the best thing ever. Best!
a friend once got kicked out of a museum (the MET I think?) for trying to lick a van gogh while high on mushrooms. in this case a "friend" really is a friend and not code for me...I went to catholic school and am waay too afraid of authority figures to try shit like that.
One time I was in a castle in Sevilla and we were on a tour and the guide was like "and THIS is the royal whoever's gilded million-year old desk" and then the group started to walk away and then I smashed into it with my hip when I turned around somehow and it clanged throughout the entire palace basically and every person in my forty-person group turned around to face me and nobody said anything they just STARED. And I turned around too, like, "haha what....?? ghosts, weird." but nobody bought it.
@Katie Heaney (so I love this post)
@Katie Heaney My sister's best friend is notoriously clumsy/accident prone, and she once fell onto a fancy antique chair (not that hard, luckily) in a museum where the guards wish they carried handguns. To her great fortune, none of them were looking at that moment.
The Clark is my hands down favorite museum, however I think I'd head down the road to Mass MoCA if I was going to go art-touching while high. UPSIDE DOWN TREES!
When I was a little girl I had a good friend with super arty parents. Her dad was into these crazy, sculptural sort of paintings with a million layers of paint and swirls/ridges/bumps. I used to walk down the hallway at night and secretly run my hands along all of them because they were amazingly 3D. I was so afraid I'd do it and break off a swirl or something, but they just were too tempting.
Here I will confess to touching a Warhol when I was 15. It was at the Centre Pompidou, I waited until no guards were in the room. I know it's awful, but I was REALLY INTO WARHOL YOU GUYS, and needed some of his power via osmosis...
I am a painter and was horrified reading this, although I'll admit to having a similar experience in an art gallery. In my case it was a GIANT, PLUSH YELLOW SUBMARINE (without any sort of rope or 'do not touch' sign) that was just asking to be caressed by passing hands. My fingers only grazed it before security yelled at me, but the temptation to take a running jump and land on it was all too present.
The next time I went in, it had one of those velvet rope security barriers around it, so I don't think I was the only one.
what is wrong with you guys, seriously
TANGENTIAL:
Me working on computer
Someone Else: Let me show you this
Me: Okay
SE: *pokes screen with finger*
Me: (you don't have to touch the screen, just point at it, seriously fingertips are disgusting and get oil on the screen, thanks)
@Too Much Internet YES! My colleague has fingerprints all over her monitor, and every time I go in to talk to her I have to fight the urge to reach over her with a dustcloth. They're all in neat little rows, too, which I can't figure out -- is she trying to type on her monitor, or something?
@Too Much Internet Get rid of your fingers, seriously, they are revolting.
@Too Much Internet You don't want to hear about all the gooby spit that I cleaned off my monitor the other day then.
@Too Much Internet I am that person who touches the screen when trying to point, but it's really just because I have no depth perception! I think I'm about to gracefully indicate something, but then my finger just sort of crashes into the monitor. Oops
@Sarah Solomon OH MY G-D I was just going to say that I got too close to one of the paintings at the Russian Museum in St. Pete and the nearest babushka said, very sternly, "RUKAMI NI TROGATS'A!" ("We do not touch with our hands!") Or possibly it was PAL'TZAMI NI TROGATS'A, which is more about fingers. Either way it was the scariest thing ever. I am pretty sure she was going to put me over her knee and spank me if I got any closer.
I touched a mammoth tusk which had a "don't touch" sign propped up when ten, figuring I'd never have another chance. I felt guilty about it, and then, later, found out that they're actually pretty common? So I don't feel too awful. It was kind of interesting, though, that I felt I had to touch it to have some kind of a crazy link to the past thing. Like, the past happened everywhere; touching a relic didn't actually make me more in-the-past. But that's how it felt, like I was connected.
This seems like a good place to mention that I once had an internship in the Royal Armouries at the Tower of London (before the Armouries moved to Leeds) and I got to hold and measure some of Henry VIII's armour (including one of his codpieces). I also got to dress a dummy in riot gear, but my supervisor didn't give me any instructions - she said, "sometimes we have to figure out where a certain piece of armor goes, so you should try to figure it out on your own first." I decided the best way to do this was to put the riot gear on my own body, but I failed to account for the fact that the dummy was at least a foot taller than me, so when the supervisor came back an hour later I'd dressed the head and torso and was wearing the dummy's forearm gear on my legs, which it covered from hip to ankle.
Also, because I had a lot of weird student jobs, I've been employed by three different libraries, two archives, and two museums -- not including the dozen or so rare books libraries and archives I had to use for grad school research. As a result, this post will give me nightmares - they probably won't be worse than the ones I had for two weeks after I nearly broke an arts-and-crafts era lamp worth $250,000, but nightmares nonetheless.
@Xanthophyllippa Uuuuuuuuuuuugh I am SO JEALOUS of you getting to hold Henry VIII's armor and then being all awkward about it. How are we not dating?
@Anji EXACTLY! Why do we not live in the same place??
(The curator told me with a wink that women who pricked Henry's codpiece with a straight pin could boost their fertility. I declined.)
This is why the Louvre made a whole gallery of sculpture for people to touch. It. Is. Irresistible.
I will be employed in the future because of all of you assholes.
So, mixed feelings.
@hopelessshade EXCEPT NO, UNLESS YOU ARE A FORCE OF NATURE LIKE THE PASSAGE OF TIME I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CORRECT FOR YOUR SHIT.
Support your local art conservator, guys.
@hopelessshade: laff
really tho, oils from fingers eat away at stuff because it's acidic :(
I was in the national portrait gallery in DC last spring. I was looking at a very realistic portrait, I can't even remember who was the subject, I was so scarred by what happened next. So this 20 something guy gets real close to the painting and then reaches out and touches it! I think I gasped out loud. He walks away, his 5 year old or so son walks up behind him, tentatively touches the painting, sees no one immediately yell at him, and then he proceeds to lightly SLAP it! I nearly fell over. This all happened very quickly, I was so stunned I didn't react until it was over.
Luckily there's modern, experimental art to make up for this need to touch (oh god sometimes I want to wrap myself in Monet's lilies like they're my towel after a shower....mmmm). I saw an installation at the Warhol once that was just huge floating silver pillow-balloons bouncing around a little room and off the walls and off my face and it was amazing. Like, lay down on the floor and watch them bounce for hours and try to hold one against my chest amazing. Not even high!
I just had to come back and comment. I can't stop thinking about this post. I watched "The Rape of Europa" tonight, which only made it worse. The truth of the matter is, most priceless works of art have had it pretty rough. Many have traveled thousands of miles, have been exposed to the elements, have been lost, stolen, recovered and restored. The life of the typical oil painting is brutal enough without the added indignity of being prodded by us. I don't find this post to be "cute" or funny or even particularly informative. I'm actually a bit disappointed that The Hairpin would publish something this. To touch a painting in this manner is an insult to the artist and to the community of curators and conservators whose work allows us all to enjoy art.
@Equestrienne Wow, I just watched The Rape of Europa too, a couple days ago, can't stop thinking about it, and then read this post and UGH. I cringed the whole way through reading it, it's so disappointing.
Alternating between horror and sheepish commiseration on this one. But I'm also relieved that, as an occasional painter myself, all my stuff's under glass.
Meh. Not as bad as the guy who broke the Portland vase with another sculpture.
Did I miss something? I feel like someone should have posted this by now. Art for touching!
This reminds me of a fun/awful field trip I had in high school!
My goth-y sullen friends and I were all enrolled in advanced sculpture class our senior year, and for some reason the art history portion of that that class was pretty much all Calder, all the time. As an end-of-the-year treat, we all got to go on a field trip to see a special exhibit of Calder's lesser known mobiles and stabiles on a day the museum was not open to the public. Of course, because we were high school kids, the teacher spent the month leading up to the trip reminding us that he would make a mobile out of our viscera if we even so much thought of touching the art.
Anyways, the day of the field trip comes and we are by far the youngest group of people there. For most of the day things went pretty well - until my friends and I suddenly ended up alone with a couple of older ladies in a room containing a large mobile, with no guard in sight. One of the older ladies told the other that "these were meant to be seen in motion" - AND THEN SWATTED AT THE MOBILE, SETTING IT INTO MOTION ON EVERY POSSIBLE PLANE. THE DAMN THING EVEN CREAKED. It was horrifying.
Anyways, the moral of the story is that one should wait to touch paintings/sculptures/whatever until one is alone in a room with some punk-ass looking teenagers that you can blame if you get caught.
@kitkat88 "Mobile out of our viscera" made me laugh out loud. Hey, Jana Sterbak did the whole meat-dress thing long before Lady Gaga, so...
When my grandmother died, her 2nd husband, who didn't know us very well, came to visit. I was detailed to take him to an art gallery; I was 15 and he was 70, and a man who had lived all his life in deepest hicksville, so he was thrilled about the gallery, and mad keen about the Titian paintings, to the extent that he ran his finger over the brushwork.
I still sweat thinking about it.
Mind you, when I was on a school trip, looking round a recreated 14th C house, I bent over to admire an open 14th C Bible, and my chewing gum fell out and landed on the page. Thankfully there was enough saliva that it didn't stick to the page, but it did leave a little wet spot. So I am not without sin in the area of potentially damaging priceless items.
If my friend touched the Rosetta stone, I wouldn't ever tell anyone.
I once put a marshmallow peep in one of the displays at the MJT.
This reminds me of the time that I tried on Kate Middleton's dress at Buckingham palace when no one was looking. It was too small.
If you want to touch art, become an art conservator! We get to touch art All The Time!
(Actually don't, please, there are no jobs as it is)
Okay, so one time I visited a university in Australia that had a pretty decent little ancient world museum. One of the exhibits was this thing they usually do for visiting school children where they give you little white cotton gloves and let you hold and examine about 20 different ancient objects between 2000 and 4000 years old. One of the things was an armlet. The lady wanted to demonstrate how it would be worn. She spies my arm and says, "It'll probably work on you," and SLIDES IT RIGHT UP ONTO MY BICEP! That's right. I wore a 3000 year old armlet.
I have yet, however, to give into the forbidden lust of touching old/important artifacts and pieces or art without permission. I do confess to trying to take secret photos of the Sistine Chapel despite the guards yelling every 20 seconds for people to be quiet and take no photos. But I didn't use a flash, so there! They didn't turn out very well anyway. That thing really looks better in books and postcards, I think.
@The Spectacular Lady J ARMLET. Envy!
OH haaayyy... my grandfather went to Williams College and he was a brilliant artist and I'm pretty sure he had something exhibited at the Clark Art Institute before... in case you were curious which you weren't.
I am sort of horrified by this, and I don't need to reiterate why because so many people already have.
But there is an overwhelming desire to touch some of these pieces because they have such delicious texture. They should post replicas alongside some of these pieces for people to touch!
I am very, very glad you touched it.
RELATED: The best part about being an art historian/ curator-in-training/ classicist/ ARCHAEOLOGIST is archaeological parks where you get to CLIMB AROUND AND ON TOP OF THINGS. Also, I have pottery sherds of my very own that I can lick WHENEVER I WANT TO. I am not bragging because, step off, I need that grant money. I am just saying, okay.
I touched the a puffin at the zoo, once. It was rad.
during the first two years of my time as an undergraduate art history student, i took my 7 year old niece under my wing and she got really really really into art history also. eventually she decided her favorite artist was Van Gogh. I took her to an art museum just us by ourselves and once I placed her in front of a Van Gogh painting I made her touch the painting.
It was a split second of me being a bad influence, and her feeling the exhilaration of being in the presence of fine art made by famous people who existed long before she was ever born.
I know that youre not supposed to touch paintings. but theres something fucking awesome about your fingerprints being forever secretly embedded onto a world-famous piece of art.
About your closing line: I don't believe you. I think you are just saying that.