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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

206

Unwritten Self-Help Books That Could Have Really Helped Me Last Week

What to Say When Your Sophisticated and Well-Traveled Boss Asks What You Did Last Weekend, and All You Did Was Drink Wine and Weep While Watching YouTube Videos of Dogs Greeting Soldiers Coming Home From War

So You See Someone You Sort of Know Sitting At the Bar, But You Don’t Want to Talk to Them: What Now?

He Actually Might Have Been Into You, But When He Found Out That You Inexplicably Lied About Having an Estranged Twin, He Reconsidered

How to Seamlessly Integrate an Imaginary Boyfriend Into Your Social Circle

Coming to Terms With Your Imaginary Boyfriend's Libertarian Politics

So You See Someone Ahead of You in Line Who You Had Sex With Two Years Ago, and Obviously You Don’t Want to Talk to Him: What Now?

"I Think I Just Had A Sex Dream About Magilla Gorilla???" How to Handle This and Other Sex-Dream Crises

What Are We Going to Do About This? [book touches a lock of your hair]

Should You Break Into a Jog If Someone's Holding a Door Open and You're Still a Few Paces Away? A new book from the author of the international best-seller, How Long Should You Maintain Eye Contact When You're Passing Someone You Know in a Long Hallway?

10 Ways to Meet Your Soul Mate by Sitting Quietly on Your Couch

Elizabeth Baird needs a lot of help.



206 Comments / Post A Comment

fleurdelivre

Amazeballs. All of it. And I need some help too.

Lisa McIntire

"Shut up already about Ron Paul!" --headvoice

miwome

@Lisa McIntire I really need everyone to get off the Magic Ron Paul Dust. It's killing me.

travelmugs

@Lisa McIntire "Yes, I know that 'Atlas Shrugged' changed your imaginary life. You don't need to bring it up every day." -headvoice

likethestore

10 Ways to Meet Your Soul Mate by Sitting Quietly on Your Couch

Yes. I need this. So far sitting quietly on my couch has resulted in 0 dates.

Faintly Macabre

@likethestore Or by rushing down the street in headphones and bitchface.

Lucienne

@likethestore "Man, I really could use that self-help book! ... Wait, then there would be another person with me. Better to stay here."

Lily Rowan

@Faintly Macabre @likethestore YES to both of those things.

The Frozen Head of Dorothy Zbornak

@likethestore Recently, OkCupid has turned sitting quietly on my couch into a goldmine.

thelibrarianne

@likethestore Yes, I actually found my real life boyfriend while sitting quietly on my couch, thanks to OkCupid. Modern marvels!

More covert than using my facebook account

@likethestore I'd like "10 Ways to Meet Your Soul Mate by Sitting Quietly on Your Couch - without internet dating!"

likethestore

@More covert than using my facebook account Every time someone says "You should try online dating" I want to say "You should try sticking a fork in your eye!" Because that's about how much fun being judged by strangers on the internet is for me.

The Frozen Head of Dorothy Zbornak

@likethestore But you are forgetting the greatness of *being* judgmental to strangers on the internet!

Faintly Macabre

WHERE IS THIS DOG VIDEO??

And #2: Allow your face/movements to express this thought: "Oh, where is friend I was supposed to meet? I'd better go stand in the corner and call them!" Though I guess this doesn't work if you are the only 2 people in the bar...

Valley Girl

@Faintly Macabre There is no SINGLE video, there is a rabbit hole of endless videos. This is why dogs > cats. Cats are cute and all but they haven't got the level of devotion that inspires an entire tear-jearking genre of Youtube videos.

Lucienne

@Valley Girl That rabbit hole is why I refuse to click the link. I tear up just thinking about the videos. No way could I handle more than one ... but nor would I be able to stop myself, once I had set out.

Faintly Macabre

@Valley Girl Like this one!

Waahh these also remind me of my dearly-departed dog, who, keening, would alternate between running around in circles and trying to chew off our noses if we were gone for so much as 3 days.

ihatesomuch

@Faintly Macabre omg, http://welcomehomeblog.com/ will change your life. Have you ever had that moment where you know you NEED to cry, but really have nothing to cry about? THIS is the answer to all of your problems. Wait, is it just me who has many, many moments like that?

Anyway, that website is a rabbit hole as @Valley Girl and @Lucienne stated. I'm too far in that hole to go back though. I've moved on to their sister sites where you can watch videos of people proposing or, even better, watch people tell their family members that they are pregnant. Will someone PLEASE Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind these sites out of my brain?

Brunhilde

@Faintly Macabre Or This one!

But really, it's a good thing my co-worker left early today because I'm totally crying at my desk.

The Lady of Shalott

@Maxie - @ihatesomuch DAMN YOU, I WILL GET NOTHING DONE TONIGHT.

Oh man, I live very close to a gigantic military base and my boyfriend is an officer, so I am very used to seeing people wandering around in uniform, but one time I was flying back to my small town and there was a guy on my plane who was returning from Afghanistan and there was a HUGE, huge, huge group of people waiting for him, and his family, and banners and stuff, and he got off the plane and like...everybody started crying. And I was starting to get sniffly and I had to leave in a hurry so I didn't full-scale start crying.

Faintly Macabre

@Brunhilde Oh God, I had the most idiot grin the entire time I was watching that.

Bebe

@The Lady of Shalott And this is why I can't go down the rabbit hole: I just teared up reading your comment and picturing it. In real life, I probably would have just sat down on the airport floor and wept. There's no way in hell I'm watching those videos.

Megasus

@Faintly Macabre Mine tackles me every time I come home, even if I've just gone to the laundry room. Usually a running jump too. It's like being in a romance movie every day, lol. Also he has just discovered if he goes up near the couch when I'm throwing stuff on it, he can get up closer to my face.

OhMarie

@Maxie - @ihatesomuch Yes, I fucking love that site. I watch it every time my husband is traveling, because the state I get into after a few of those is profoundly embarrassing and I can't handle it when anyone else is around.

dj pomegranate

@OhMarie YOU GUYS. I just got home and started reading this and now I am on the couch drinking wine and crying at these videos. THANKS A LOT.

redheaded&crazy

@Maxie - @ihatesomuch definitely not the only one with a daily cry quota - and thanks to these videos, i'm getting closer to fulfilling mine! :')

redheaded&crazy

oh my god what have you people done i can't stop watching and crying

tortietabbie

@Valley Girl Also why dogs > kids. Did you see the one where the returning soldier dad dresses up as Santa and gives his three young kids presents, and then the reveal is super anti-climactic because they just want to play with their toys and they'll all like, "yeah, it's Dad, whatever, LOOK WHAT I GOT FROM SANTA!!!!"?

Megoon

@Faintly Macabre I just sat down for the workday and saw this. I have to wait nine more hours before I can sit on my couch with wine and watch more. Nooooo!

@tortietabbie After watching these, YouTube is all, check out these other videos featuring kids welcoming soldier dad home! and I feel slightly bad about myself for being like... do you have any more with dogs?

EpWs

@all the dog people here You guys, my parents are [most likely] getting a puppy this weekend! A little fuzzy adorable puppy who still needs a name! So if I'm not around as much, it's because I have quit my job for snuggles.

Megasus

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Full warning: If it's really little it might pee on you.

Bittersweet

@Megan Patterson@facebook: But if it's really little, it'll also be the cutest thing ever and you won't care if it pees on you or bites you with its little needle teeth.

tortietabbie

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Puppies who belong to other people are the best kind of puppies! You can swoop in for snuggles and all the adorable stuff, and then leave before you have to clean up its messes or wrestle your treasures out of its tiny, destructive jaws. One time my roommate got a puppy for Christmas and I thought for sure one of the three of us was going to die violently. But then we stopped living together and his pup became the cutest thing ever!

EpWs

@Megan Patterson@facebook @Bittersweet I got to play with him at the breeder's on Sunday (7 weeks old) and he was the only one who did not try and eat me, my shoes, or pee on me. One of his sisters attempted to gnaw off my knuckles. I am super hyped for puppy snuggle time, even if little needle teeth or peeing are involved.

OxfordComma

@Maxie - @ihatesomuch : AUGH! NSFW because of the sniffling!

wee_ramekin

@Faintly Macabre The video you linked to is one of the biggest tearjerkers for me. The part where he says "I missed you so bad, honey. I'm so sorry I went away" in his warm Southern accent gets me every time. I welled up just typing it.

redheaded&crazy

@wee_ramekin oh jeez I welled up just reading your comment!

mayonegg

So You Sent an Ambien-and-Wine-Fueled Facebook Message to a Guy You Hooked Up With This Past Weekend Affirming Your Capital-F Feelings

I'm serious, please?

alphabiddycity

@mayonegg I would keep this book on my coffee table.

karion

@mayonegg: As far as I know, there is only one way out of your conundrum.

You send him a FB message to the effect of "I'd give my nonexistent left testicle to be able to erase that last message I sent you. Sorry for making things awkward - got caught up in a hot memory."

And then - and this is the key - do not send initiate any further contact. If he writes back, unless it SPECIFICALLY calls for a response (a direct, pressing question) - don't respond. I mean, don't drag out this little exchange.

mayonegg

@karion OK this is great, what happens when I see him the next time because OOPS! he is also a member of my very tight group of guy friends.

Bebe

@mayonegg Pretend like it never happened and just act totally normal. If confronted roll your eyes and say, "OMG, I accidentally mixed wine and Ambien last week, and you should see the crazy shit I wrote to people! So embarrassing, right?"

Bittersweet

@mayonegg: This has nothing to do with your conundrum, but I must tell you I love your avatar. And may have capital-F Feelings for Peter Krause's voice. And maybe the rest of him too.

Nutellaface

@mayonegg Are you sure you used real words in said facebook message? Because in all my experience what seems like amazing, thoughtful prose in your head usually ends up as "OMFAHHHH!!!!&&***** WHAT WATTTT HAHALOOOOLLLLL%%((!!!!!" if Ambien is involved.

Kneetoe

Yes, with the potential twin threesome of the table, he totally lost interest (hey, they were estranged, he just wanted to help them come together).

Leaving.

rararuby

@Kneetoe I'm unclear as to what the truth was here - she really has an estranged twin but claimed not to, or the converse. Both possibilities make me want to know more.

Kneetoe

@rararuby

Ohhh, this re-opens some possibilities!

britishpetroleum

@Kneetoe Glad someone else asked that question. I, too, was wondering.

miwome

@rararuby Isn't this the premise of like five shows these days? If you count impersonation and not just twins (having someone impersonate you while you pretend to be someone else is almost like creating twins, no?) then you've got Ringer, The Lying Game, and Revenge. So I guess by "five" I meant "three," but still, apparently this sort of thing is trending.

thebestjasmine

Just reading the title of that first one made me well up. Those videos are amazing. Dogs, they just love you so so much.

Katie Scarlett

I need all of these books! Please write them!

And "Coming to Terms With Your Imaginary Boyfriend's Libertarian Politics" should have come out last summer when I had a stupid crush on a 21 year old friend. I justified the Libertarianism with a "well, com'on, he's in college! It's clearly just a phase and he claims the rest of his family is liberal so I'm sure he'll come around eventually!" But really, I didn't need to worry at all because he was a 21 year old who lives across the country and has a long term girlfriend who is lovely. Libertarianism is really the smallest hurdle in making that relationship happen. Sometimes I have so much fun being delusional, though, you know?

miwome

@Katie Scarlett Oh, I so know.

Non-anonymous

I would definitely buy a copy of "How Long Should You Maintain Eye Contact When You're Passing Someone You Know in a Long Hallway?" Along with its companion volume, "What Greeting Is Appropriate When You Again Run Into the Same Damn Coworker You've Already Said Hi to Four Times Today?"

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@Non-anonymous Feelin' it. There is a long hallway to both the breakroom and the women's bathroom at my work, so I would read the HELL out of both of those, if only they existed... "Oh hi for the third time in as many hours, person who seems to be on the same break/bathroom break schedule as me!"

bangs
bangs

@Non-anonymous Honestly. Half the time I am talking to someone face to face I am thinking about eye contact and not listening to what they are saying.

sceps yarx

@Non-anonymous In the long hallway situation, I usually end up doing a little weird "I'm walking and I know you see me again and now I'm being silly" dance. But that might not be so good if you have any personal dignity to maintain.

MissM

@Non-anonymous: I would also read "Should You Even Say Anything When Someone Asks "How are you?" While Walking the Other Direction and Won't Hear Your Response Anyways?"

steponitvelma

@Non-anonymous Clearly you say "Working hard? Or hardly working?!"

Bitterblue

@Non-anonymous I have only one thing to say to this: The Mis-Adventures of Awkward Black Girl: http://awkwardblackgirl.com
It doesn't tell you how to deal with it but the videos are SO FUNNY that it doesn't matter.

wee_ramekin

@MissM Could we get research to fund the authoring of a book called How to Control Your Inappropriate Rage When You Say 'Hello' and the Other Person Says 'What's Up?', But You Know They Just Mean It As A Synonym for "Hello" And Don't Want An Answer (But Then You Feel Like An Ass For Not Giving Them An Answer To Their Direct Question)?

I really need to read that book.

ilikemints

I would love it if there was a Lying in Bed Eating Cereal out of the Box and Other Secrets to Free Yourself of Adult Acne While Improving Muscle Tone.

raised amongst catalogs

@ilikemints You, I love.

Fodforever

How to Stop Eating A Million Cookies - Yes, Even Though They Are Really Small and Are From Trader Joe's So They Can't Be That Bad

Need this weekend. So much.

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@Fodforever I would maybe prefer: How to Eat a Million Cookies with Absolutely No Ill Effects on Your Health, Wallet or Appearance! (It just feels like that should end in an exclamation mark...)

Fodforever

@Katzen-party Seriously, we can launch a monkey into space but we can't develop a free skin-clearing, fat-buring, cookie?

And where the jizz is my flying car already?!

miwome

@Fodforever Me, I really want a hoverboard. Obama failed to address this in the State of the Union, OMG I'M STAYING HOME IN NOVEMBER.

Fodforever

@miwome Yes, a la Back to the Future Part 2! They already made the pump-sneakers!

heyannika

I have sex dream crises all the time! No one seems to understand the awkwardness I feel around acquaintances about whom I've had sex dreams... I feel like they somehow know!

redheadedtwit

@Annika Larson@twitter I feel your awkwardness. Recently had a sex dream about a coworker who I joke around with, and now it is incredibly awkward because I feel like he can READ MY MIND and know that I dreamt of him in sexy ways.

sophi

@Annika Larson@twitter I had a sex dream about a classmate once, and the next day I couldn't stop myself from being mad whenever I saw him because in the dream, we kept getting interrupted by dumb reasons. He was super cute though, so I guess that was okay.

(I've also had sex dreams about like every male friend I have, which is weird.)

miwome

@Annika Larson@twitter Ugh, I either have sex dreams about imaginary people, or I have them about my crushes, which makes perfect sense except for how in my waking life I'm trying to convince myself/everyone else that I Totally Don't Care, Whatever. Then it's really embarrassing just like, for me in front of myself.

Atheist Watermelon

@redheadedtwit i totally have these dreams and they're never about the people I'd LIKE to have them about... but sometimes i've had them and fancied really horrible people for one whole day as a result.

Killerpants

@Annika Larson@twitter Once every year or two, I have a romantic sex dream about Shaquille O'Neal. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY.

MoonBat

@Killerpants
I have intensely vivid sex dreams about DON JOHNSON. WHY DOES MY SUBCONSCIOUS FUCKING HATE ME?!?!

Killerpants

@MoonBat ha! That is great. Oh the twisted things our minds do to us. Is he in his Miami Vice costumes? Does he keep the blazer on THE WHOLE TIME?

Anji

@MoonBat I'm pretty sure I can top all y'all...

Sex dream about Henry VIII. Not young sexy Jonathan Rhys-Meyers Henry VIII, but Hans Holbein portrait, turkey-leg-munching, old and decrepit Henry VIII.

And this is why I don't drink tequila anymore.

lilsebastian

@LittleBookofCalm when I have sex dreams, for some reason my brain censors the sex! It's like my subconscious really wants to be a film editor for PG-13 romances. I'll have a dream with all the steamy lead up to sex but then next thing I know dream-fuck buddy and I are standing outside a door buttoning up, like "hey, that was good." What?!

The Lady of Shalott

I should just bookmark this page so I can check it all night and see all the hilarious things people are coming up with in here

KDubb

The ones that make me cry the most are the ones of dogs who sit/lay down by a soldier's casket.

I can't even post any links because I'm afraid my eyeballs will float away.

nyikint

@KDubb The picture of Jon Tumilson's casket ! THAT was a sad picture.

parla

@nyikin I can't do it. I can't not cry right now. You guys.

KDubb

@nyikin Yes, that's the one I saw. Talk about heart wrenching.

ejcsanfran

So, You've Decided to Drink Large Quantities of Moderately-Priced Wine on a Nightly Basis: Secrets from the Experts

And be sure to read the companion book, Alka-Seltzer Is a Miracle Cure and Should Be Taken Immediately Before Going to "Sleep"

BoozinSusan

@ejcsanfran Is it really?! I need a cure for wine headaches (coughhangovers) the next day!!

liznieve

@ejcsanfran You have solved all of my problems.

Cavendish

Just seeing that photo makes me teary. I don't think I can handle a video.

Bebe

How to Stop Making Excuses and Just Go Workout Already, the Gym is in Your Apartment Building How Lazy Are You????

Nutellaface

@Bebe Can you please send me a copy of this?

MissMushkila

@Bebe My gym is not in my building, but rather three blocks down the street and I have a car, so pretty much equally as convenient. And it's gotten worse, because I used to truly believe my excuses, but now even I know the excuses are a sad charade of fitness responsibility.

Bebe

@MissMushkila Well, if it's 3 whole blocks, all you have to do is walk to the gym and back. Exercise!

spoondisaster

Using Netflix and Craft Beer to Find You an Attractive Man to Do the Sex With: A Guide

sceps yarx

@spoondisaster Although, oddly enough, now that I'm married to the attractive man, Netflix, craft beer, and doing the sex sounds like a pretty standard evening. #humblebrag #agoraphobia

BoozinSusan

@spoondisaster Hi, My Life.

spoondisaster

@sceps yarx It's great once you get all three, but it would be awesome to be able to parlay my advanced netflix-watching and beer-drinking skills into snagging an attractive man.

catspajamas

@spoondisaster When you've written this magic please release it on kindle! I may need to refer to it often.

Tuna Surprise

So You Just Blurted Out Your Favorite Wedding Websites to a Newly-Engaged Woman You Just Met At Brunch And She Seems a Little Weirded Out After Finding Out You're Single: A 3-Step Plan To Recover Your Dignity

Nutellaface

@Tuna Surprise Was it 100 Layer Cake? I bet it was 100 Layer Cake.

travelmugs

@Nutellaface "I've just helped a lot of . . . um . . . friends . . . plan THEIR weddings. It's not weird, I promise."

mirror_father_mirror

@Tuna Surprise Wait, what are the websites?? I have to plan a wedding and the amount of offensive bridal bullshit out there is astonishing. Please save me from drowning in bridal bullshit!

Nutellaface

@mirror_father_mirror 100 LAYER CAKE! And Once Wed. I realize you were not asking me.

OxfordComma

@mirror_father_mirror: Offbeatbride! Offbeatbride!

OxfordComma

@mirror_father_mirror : Seriously, OBB is the best in terms of encouragement, great ideas, and just plain SENSE.

Go to The Knot for online planners and floor plans, and Greenweddingshoes is *gorgeous* and inspirational.

skippersarah

"How to Seamlessly Integrate an Imaginary Boyfriend Into Your Social Circle"...omg. It's like you know me

CrossWord

Procrastinate Your Way to a Better Tomorrow!
The Bed Farter: My Wife, My Life: A Memoir
"Hey, That's My Cervix!" And Other Steamy Conversation Starters
The Sexless Year: A Quarter-life Crisis Moves Home
Finding Helpful Elves To Do Your Housework For You, For Dummies

paisami

How to Seduce the Stunningly Handsome Cat-Lover Who Sits Opposite You In College Every Day Without Taking Off Your Headphones or Having to Start a Conversation.

spoondisaster

@paisami pass notes. keep it middle school-style "do you like me [ ] yes [ ] no"

Megasus

@spoondisaster Have it say "hey sailor" and then wink!

miwome

@paisami Eyefucking.

Megasus

"How Not to Burn One Side of your Grilled Cheese Every Time, and Also How to Stop at One"

tortietabbie

@Megan Patterson@facebook This is a serious issue that is seriously affecting my emotional health and well-being!!!!

laurel

@Megan Patterson@facebook It's always the first side with me.

.
.

@Megan Patterson@facebook Maybe burning both sides will help you stop at one.

phlox

@Megan Patterson@facebook Grilled cheese is really the only reason I buy bread. And then I eat twelve grilled cheeses in a week because bread goes bad too fast.

Megasus

@Megan Patterson@facebook ME TOO. Usually I don't burn the second one. But I have also burned both sides before and still eaten it.

redheaded&crazy

@Megan Patterson@facebook oh man can we talk about how velveeta is the best dare i say only appropriate cheese for grilled cheese.

sidenote, anybody i know "IRL" would instantly recognize me via this comment as i am the only person in the universe who enjoys this butter cheese concoction

redheaded&crazy

@redheadedandcrazy i want one right now

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@redheadedandcrazy Did you grow up in the Midwestern US? Because I think I may have dated you. And I still resent you for the twenty pounds you "made" me gain from those...

miwome

@redheadedandcrazy I'm a Kraft Singles girl myself. (I KNOW I KNOW.)

@all concerned about burning sides Sometimes I just make toast and then melt cheese between the toast in the microwave. Sometimes.

musicello11

@miwome Kraft singles (or American in general) are the best thing ever for grilled cheese.
This is coming from a girl living in France, surrounded by some of the best cheese in the world. The French would be appalled.

miwome

@musicello11 The key is never to let them know. I remember my second boyfriend, Francophile/partially raised in France, found the Kraft singles in my house and gave me shit nonstop until I finally went "LAY OFF, WILLYA." I shoulda known right then.

gtrachel

@phlox You can freeze bread. FYI. And it's just as good after you thaw it.

mustelid

@Megan Patterson@facebook If you can be bothered to do it, the easiest way to not burn grilled cheese is to cook it with an iron. Like, a clothes iron.

Take a piece of foil 2x the size of your bread. Make your sandwich, buttering the outside of both pieces of bread. Put sandwich in between the folded over foil. Apply gentle pressure with medium heat (maybe the linen setting?). Peel back a bit of the foil periodically to see how it's looking, and when it is to your satisfaction, flip it over and do the same on the other side. Not only is it nearly impossible to burn, but the pressing makes it kind of like a panini.

I promise when I learned how to do this it was only because I had no way to cook things except for a microwave.

area@twitter

@mustelid This might be the thing that gets me to pull my (never-used) iron out of the closet.

tortietabbie

@area@twitter This might be the thing that gets me to buy an iron!

EpWs

@Megan Patterson@facebook Dammit, all of you, now I want a grilled cheese. I am trying to be healthy over here! (And miwome, I am a Kraft Singles girl myself. And I have yelled at people over having parmesan cheese in a can before!)

Megasus

@Megan Patterson@facebook Oooh no, I have never liked processed cheese. Not even when I was a kid! Really good extra old cheddar is my filling of choice!

Hellcat

@Megan Patterson@facebook Oh, I love it a little bit burnt (same with hot dogs)! My mom seems to believe that this is because I have some kind of vitamin deficiency.

miwome

@Hellcat My mom thinks EVERYTHING I do is because of a vitamin deficiency. Also, my dad is convinced that there's something unnatural about me cracking my neck.

mustelid

@everyone, I really love grilled cheese, do y'all have any other grilled cheese tips? A few that changed my life were 1) mayo on the bread instead of butter for perfect browning, not to mention easier spreading, and 2) grate the cheese instead of slicing it and it melts like a dream.

I have a lot of thoughts on grilled cheese.

Hellcat

@miwome It's like a buzzword that moms get hold of and run into the ground! And neck-cracking is delightful.

@mustelid I remember way back before I was registered here, there was a thread and people were sharing various and seemingly simple cheese tips! I think, actually, that might have been what made me stop merely lurking. I don't think the post was about cheese to begin with, and I really wish I could remember what it was... there was so much hypothetical deliciousness in it! Maybe one of the open threads? I am no help -- sorry!

redheaded&crazy

@Bus Driver Stu Benedict I don't think this would have been me because I use a sharpie to cross out the nutritional info and calorie count and whatnot - and everybody knows that if you can't see that information, you don't gain any weight!

miwome

@Hellcat Also, everyone needs more calcium!

sarabara

@redheadedandcrazy YOU ARE A GENIUS!

KeLynn

@Megan Patterson@facebook With you! Sharp cheddar is my cheese of choice for most things, including grilled cheeses.

@mustelid Mayo! I read about this in some embarrassing too-old-for-me magazine (Martha Stewart or Real Simple or Oprah or something) and it changed my grilled cheeses forever. To be fair I have no idea how much easier it is to spread because I have never made a grilled cheese sandwich in my life (I KNOW I KNOW it is one of those things I am irrationally nervous about even though I get the impression it's as simple as can be) and my boyfriend makes them for me these days, BUT I can taste the difference and I like it.

Hellcat

@KeLynn I am a big fan of chopped up pickled in the grilled cheese. Yes, I know how this sounds, especially when it is made with the ol' Kraft singles. But so good. Also, the bright yellow "trashy" mustard.

SarcasticFringehead

@mustelid Okay, so here is how I make my grilled cheese perfect every time:
Start a 7 inch frying pan on the stove on medium-low heat (like a 3 on a scale of 1-10)
Slice or grate or whatever your cheese, butter the bread, and assemble the sandwich (by now the pan is at the perfect heat)
Put the sandwich in the pan and cover with a glass lid
THIS IS THE KEY: when the butter on the top slice of bread is all the way melted, flip the sandwich. The cheese will be almost totally melty, and the bottom will be golden brown
Grill the other side until about 30 seconds after it stops sizzling
Eat
Repeat

phlox

@mustelid If you keep your butter in the fridge, don't try to butter the bread with hard butter - throw a pat in the pan, let it melt, put on piece of bread in the pan to get it buttery, then take it out and do the other one, then put the cheese on it, then put the first piece of bread on top.

I like using a mix of cheeses - cheddar is essential, but I usually have some gouda or jarlsberg around that I throw in too.

@redheadedandcrazy, do you know about The Grilled Cheese? It's a restaurant in Kensington Market that serves only grilled cheese and tomato soup.

miwome

@phlox What I do is assemble the sandwich and dot the top of it with butter while melting some in the pan. Then I do the bottom side (the one with no butter on it) in the pan, and when I flip it the butter that was on the top melts in the pan. Hey presto!

Chicagoans! Have you ever been to 44th Ward Dinner Party? It's like a grilled cheese heaven. All they do is grilled cheese and fries and mac and cheese and you can BUILD YOUR OWN and it's all amazing. Great bar, too. I miss going there with my roommates back when I lived in Chicago, sigh.

tortietabbie

@all - There's also a restaurant in Cleveland (I think?) called Melt and all they do is grilled cheese! Pin Up at Melt or what?!

@miwome - GENIUS!

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@redheadedandcrazy will you go out with me??

check one:
[ ] <--- YES
[ ] <--- NO

Hellcat

@mustelid WAIT! I think the cheese discussion might have happened in a Friday Bargain Bin! Something on the shopping list was the impetus of the cheese sidebar!

EpWs

I love everyone in this thread, and I want to go to a Grilled Cheese Party RIGHT NOW.
@redheadedandcrazy Your marriage proposal is in the mail. I like the way you think.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher now wait just a gosh-darned minute!

redheaded&crazy

@Bus Driver Stu Benedict folks please! there's enough of me to go around!

"i like my women like i like my velveeta - easy to melt and spread around" (???)

idk i got nothin

miwome

@redheadedandcrazy "dependable, yet gooey"? "melts in a flash"?

EpWs

@redheadedandcrazy "Suspiciously cheesy"? "Goes well with everything"? "Is so a vegetable"?

Hellcat

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher If I can somehow regain my strength/equilibrium, wake from this cold-meds haze, and manage to breathe through my nose enough to actually eat anything, I am so having a Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup for dinner tonight! Blanket, Couch, and TV are also invited.

Megasus

@Hellcat I also have this cold, and the grilled cheese made it momentarily better. I can breathe through one nostril today! Coincidence? Grilled Cheese: Miracle Healing Powers?

miwome

@Hellcat I think Wine probably feels left out, but it understands. You're sick.

Hellcat

@miwome Oh, damn me! Maybe I'll dip into the BF's Wild Turkey if it comes down to that. I'll mix it with that hot-lemonade cold-medicine drink thing!

@Megan Patterson@facebook Let's hope! Because this one impenetrable-by-air, yet somehow still runny nostril is very annoying! How can it do both? HOW?

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@redheadedandcrazy Is the "around" in that quote superfluous, maybe?

*coughs*

redheaded&crazy

@Bus Driver Stu Benedict EXCUSE ME GOOD SIR I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I AM A LADY.

...but yes. yes it is.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@redheadedandcrazy I'm not very good at knowing if I've crossed A Line with double entrendres and stuff like that, so it's probably a good idea if I stopped replying now. My regrets.

redheaded&crazy

@Bus Driver Stu Benedict I wasn't offended! well except in the sense that removing "around" makes my "joke" way better, therefore making you way funnier, therefore UGH DONT EVEN TALK TO ME.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@redheadedandcrazy It's also that it's cocktail time and I'm afraid of getting too honest about life in general, so since I said I wasn't going to say more, it's supposed to remind me "remember how you get with the commenting?"

Aaaand that's basically moot at this point... so I'm going to blame toy and your loose ways, naturally.

You. Not "toy". SEE WHAT HAPPENS??

Katie Heaney

Ugh, I needed a copy of "Coming to Terms With Your Imaginary Boyfriend's Libertarian Politics" five years ago pretty badly, it's amazing they haven't written that yet if it's STILL causing people problems.

nevernude cutoffs

"Dance Like Nobody's Watching: A Guide to Not Getting Hit On at a Club, When Your Go-To Move is The Robot with One Dangling Arm"

Nutellaface

@nevernude cutoffs Liz Lemon, is that you?

nevernude cutoffs

@Nutellaface It might as well be. (although I'll take some sweet James Marsden action any day)

Gertrude

EMMITT THUNDERPAWS

carbonation

@Gertrude I Know!!!

kts
kts

I spent last Saturday weeping over those videos of soldiers coming home. I couldn't get the tissues to my face fast enough. I thought there was something wrong with me, like I had to let out some kind of cathartic emotion I didn't know I was holding inside, or maybe I was PMS'ing but didn't know it yet, but then I got all mad about war and what it does to the people (and dogs) the soldiers leave behind, let alone the people upon whom it's waged. So glad, so very glad, to know I'm not the only one.

Also, love the last one about sitting on your couch waiting for the world to find you. It could happen, right?

sceps yarx

What Color Are Your Frumpy Sweatpants? A Practical Guide for Freelance Artists and Other People "Working" From Home.

thenewbrunette

How to Still Have a Productive and Dynamic Day at Work Even After You Started It by Watching those Dog Videos and Crying Over Your Cereal.

travelmugs

@thechouxbrunette See also: how to read a newspaper article about Gabrielle Giffords and not be tearing up for the rest of the workday.

Atheist Watermelon

The Success Story of One Woman: "How I landed the perfect job, boyfriend, and abs, simply by smoking a bowl and watching Britcoms in my pajamas, and eating cheese, and drinking wine, all day, every day!"

tahreem

http://www.getstudyabroad.com/@Megan Patterson@facebook This is a serious issue that is seriously affecting my emotional health and well-being!!!!

OhMyGoshYouGuys

"How to Say No to Pajama Jeans and Say Yes to Love."

fabel

You can deal with "So You See Someone You Sort of Know Sitting At the Bar, But You Don’t Want to Talk to Them: What Now?" & "So You See Someone Ahead of You in Line Who You Had Sex With Two Years Ago, and Obviously You Don’t Want to Talk to Him: What Now?" by perfecting The Art of Looking Through Somebody As If You Think They Are A Stranger, No Matter How Implausible It Is That You Wouldn't Recognize Them

Hellcat

@fabel My friend used to to attempt this type of avoidance tactic by contorting his face into one he thought was unrecognizable. Sometimes it worked in keeping people away... but probably not for the reason he thought it did.

Luckily for Alice

@fabel I've always wanted to try insisting on, "no, you must be mistaking me for someone else," but can never quite work up the courage. :(

sarabara

You Should Probably Stop Eating Annie's Mac and Cheese for Dinner Every Night: Just Because It's Organic Doesn't Mean It's Good For Your Thighs

also How To Avoid Talking About Your Relationship Status And Just Keep Having Emotionally Avoidant Sex

also also It's Not Always Funny: A Handy Guide For When To Break Out An "All The Single Ladies" Joke

KeLynn

How to Deal with the Disappointment That Comes When You Wake Up and Realize That You Actually Did Not Steal Prince William Away from Kate

(which is weird, because I don't even have a thing for him, but waking up and realizing we weren't really married was embarassingly disappointing - maybe because Dream KeLynn and Dream William actually did have a thing for each other? I don't even know) (please don't tell my boyfriend)

likethestore

@KeLynn Ughh I became slightly obsessed with Kate after the royal wedding and I have disappointing princess dreams constantly now.

Hellcat

I need a self-help book called How to Be an Effective Copy Editor Even Though the People Who Pay You to Do So Insist on Incorrect Punctuation, Among Other Things. You guys, my bosses "don't like" when an apostrophe appears after an s. I just can't today.

KeLynn

@Hellcat I NEED TEN COPIES OF THIS

Hellcat

@KeLynn Oh, the stories you and I could share, I bet. I mean... "don't like"? I just don't get this at all.

KeLynn

@Hellcat The "I just don't like how it looks" thing is so baffling and so hard to argue with because people who "don't like apostrophes" have is NO LOGIC in their brains. So it's not like you can change their minds with a well-founded argument.

One time I was editing something that had a numbered list. Every point was a complete sentence. When it came to me, some had periods at the end and some didn't. I added periods to the ones missing them and sent it back to marketing. They went ahead and deleted random periods again - but not even all the same ones that were missing before. They just picked random ones again! They liked how "casual" it looked for some bullets to have periods and some not. Because putting periods at the end of everything "makes us seem stuck up and like we focus more on our ads than our products." Um, what now?

The end of the story is: now I'm not allowed to edit any marketing materials anymore (because I "mess things up"). I still like to send emails every time I see a new ad telling them all the words they spelled wrong, words they used wrong, punctuation insanity, etc. Marketing doesn't like me much. Thankfully, every one else in this company does like me and my job as far as I can tell.

Hellcat

@KeLynn Sometimes I can just let go of things like that, and sometimes I can't. Today is a "can't" kind of day. I feel like the non-editors (yep, that includes marketing people, all of whom seem to want to do my job!) here think I don't know what I am doing, and it's impossible to intuit what might be the right way to do my job when they are making up their own rules. I mean, I understand preferred styles and by no means do I need everything to be in Ye Olde King's English -- I'm fine with a casual vibe. But this is nuts... though I shouldn't be surprised, considering it's coming from the same people who want to say "$20 bucks" in copy.

tortietabbie

@Hellcat "$20 bucks" doesn't even make sense because you'd say it like "twenty dollars bucks." WHAT?

Today I Googled how to correctly used an apostrophe in cases of time (as in, five days' time...that's the correct usage, btw) because someone wrote in a contract "five days time" and I thought, hmmm. No one will notice or care, but dammit! I CARE!

Megasus

@KeLynn Smack some sense into them with your Chicago Manual (or whatever style guide it is you use).

Hellcat

@tortietabbie I know... (and care)! But no one else here does no matter what I say about it. "It's our house style," they say as if they didn't learn that term from me in the first place (and do I rue the day I let that lingo slip out in mixed company; now everything bad is "house style" rather than an admitted mistake).

I think that, among the non-editors here (which is pretty much everyone but me), it's a matter of ego and pride; no one likes to be told (whether scribbled on copy or in an e-mail or in person) that they are not using their native language properly -- especially the higher-ups... even though they are the ones who pay an editor!

Bebe

@Hellcat I once had a boss whose preferred -ahem- usage was "9:00 AM in the morning." You know, as opposed to 9:00 AM in the afternoon? This is the same woman who would yell at people for using "a myriad of" instead of just "myriad." I just could NOT let it go. The beginning of the end of our relationship was when I finally said, "It's wrong and makes us look stupid."

Hellcat

@Bebe I might have to use that. It's simple and to the point... though I have no reason to believe it will work; the people here are less concerned (IMO) with looking stupid to the public/their customers than they are with looking stupid to just me.

I do like hearing about other people's editorial battles though!

Bebe

@Hellcat Before you do, I should warn you that shortly after that conversation, our working relationship totally devolved and when the layoffs started, well, you'll never guess who got the axe in our department. No one who knows me is surprised that I self-destructed over grammar.

Hellcat

@Bebe Oh, yes -- good point, especially when I already get the feeling that they think I (and all editors*) are extraneous as it is.

(*One of them once said, "Why do freelancers' stories need to be edited? Real writers don't use editors." This is the trouble with doing this job outside of an actual publishing house. They also believe that my job consists of "running things through" Word's spell-check. In my head, this is a very Flintstones-looking task.)

OxfordComma

@Hellcat : Oh, girl. One of my previous bosses insisted on using Comic Sans for all of his correspondence. It...hurt.

Hellcat

@OxfordComma We've got a few here who think that using everything at once in Word -- all caps, bold, italics, and underline -- is the best way to EMPHASIZE IMPORTANT PARTS. Never mind that (A) this is often running text, not headlines or pull-quotes or whatever -- just regular article running text, and (B) my department has a far more sophisticated set of fonts than anything Word offers.

These same people also think that grabbing an image from a website and popping it into an e-mail with a note saying "Use this in layout!" is (A) perfectly legal, and (B) somehow not going to look like barf in print.

OxfordComma

@Hellcat: AUGH!!!!!! Sweet God, that makes my ovaries twitch.

miwome

@Bebe No one who knows me is surprised that I self-destructed over grammar. You sound like my kind of lady!

Rebecs

I had an imaginary relationship with a real boy. It lasted for several months and was encouraged by my roommates who would ask me about our "relationship." Finally, one glorious night 6 years ago, we went out on a real date. Now we're married. I should write a self help book.

likethestore

@Rebecs Holy crap. Forget the self help book, turn that into a movie. Hollywood would love it.

tortietabbie

@likethestore Seriously!

Rebecs, I want to hear this entire story. Go!

KDubb

@likethestore Yes, it sounds like a "Bridget Jones" movie. Except that I don't like Renee Zellweger. She's too damn skinny and needs to eat a cheeseburger.

EpWs

@Rebecs I want to hear all of it!

miwome

@KDubb I think it sounds sort of like Amelie!

@Rebecs I have a pretty strong track record of imaginary relationships with real boys, except they end the opposite way.

dona bella

as i looked at these pictures, http://lowcommitmentprojects.com/2012/01/16/self-help/
i remembered this article. <3

bunny

The Passive Aggressive Barbie Who Got a Biglaw Job Has Stolen Your Seat Before the Seating Chart Comes Out: What Now??

xoxoxo

automaticdoor

@bunny TWINSIES. Ugh, I hate that bitch.

wee_ramekin

How to Start Dating Again Without Freaking the Fuck Out and Being Overcome with Self-Loathing: The Definitive Guide

SuzzyRoche

1. I've read a lot of comments here about people drinking wine alone, often on a couch with youtube, written with the understanding that this is not a habit to be proud of. It is! It's so classy! Me, I have only whiskey. Less classy, also less youtube-watching and more passing-out-on-the-couch drooling on my computer and wondering why my homework never got done.
2. I'm so excited about the quarrels I'm about to have with my brand new libertarian imaginary boyfriend. Thanks! (I recently swore off straight boys, AGAIN, so I have plenty of things to fight with my i.bf. about. "Fuck and Run: How to Start Dating Again Without Freaking the Fuck Out and Being Overcome with Self-Loathing to the Point that You Date Straight Boys Again, The Definitive Guide".)

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