There are Wiki holes, and then there are Wiki holes that result in Googling state and federal regulations on owning predatory birds in the wee small hours of the morning.
Reasons in Favor of Acquiring a Falcon
- Taking "put a bird on it" to a whole new level of cool
- The opportunity to hunt small rodents when your cat decides she's retired from productive labor
- Jane probably has great tips on how to coordinate leather gauntlets with sexy outfits and dramatic eyeliner
- Take that, weak-ass LARPers with swords
- Mercedes Lackey is a falconer
- Falcons live in Edith-friendly tiny houses called mews
- Profit?
- This
Reasons Against Acquiring a Falcon
- Apparently, falcons do not grow to love you, and only return to your glove because you provide them a small advantage in obtaining prey
- If you are a crappy falconer, which you probably would be for a long time, they will not return to your glove at all
- "The falcon cannot hear the falconer" – YEATS
- Building a mews is a pain in the ass
- "Acquiring a falconry license in the US requires an aspiring falconer to pass a written test, have equipment and facilities inspected, and serve a minimum of two years as an apprentice under a licensed falconer. There are three classes of the falconry license, which is a permit issued jointly by the falconer's state of residence and the federal government. The aforementioned Apprentice license matriculates to a General Class license, which allows the falconer to possess no more than two raptors at a time. After a minimum of 5 years at General level, falconers may apply for a Master Class license, which allows them to keep 3 raptors for falconry."
- Laziness
Random Falcon-Related Trivia:
- Falcons are girls and tercels are boys, or used to be, because only five people actually pay attention to that stuff anymore
- Harris' Hawks actually do develop a grudging fondness for you, but falconry snobs don't think beginners should use them, because they're too forgiving and you won't build important falconry-character
- The expressions "fed up," "wrapped around his little finger," and "under his thumb" are all derived from falconry
- Harry Potter caused people to get into hunting with owls again, but this is a really bad idea because owls are much better nighttime hunters, and if you hunt with your cranky owl during the day, alert daytime predatory birds will mess up your owl, and that's on you.
So, you know, vote Ron Paul, who would probably totally let you own a falcon without all of this apprenticeship bullshit.
(Hi! I'm here until Jane comes back on Tuesday. Jaaaane!)
YEATS.
@Jizzcliner Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world!
"The Falcon Does Not Love You" should be a Neko Case song.
@russell brandom
Dear A Dude:
I have a really sweet falcon who returns to my glove when I take him hunting. And he has just the cutest little call, that goes CRAAAAAAAA when he returns with prey. And he looks so hot, with the bells on his cuffs.
But, the thing is, he seems really standoffish and remote, especially when I go over to his mews early in the morning. I mean, I know we have a future together, but how can I get my falcon to express his affection for me in a more reassuring way?
HELP!
Twitterpated in Love
Dear TIL:
I hate to have to tell you this. But, all the signs are that the falcon does not love you. You have to decide whether or not you are willing to put in the training and work it takes to establish a bond with a bird who is only returning to your glove because you give him a marginal advantage in hunting, or not.
It's a risk. And, if you do take that risk, can you live with the reality that, in the long run, your falcon's love for you may only ever be grudging?
I wish I could give you a more reassuring answer, LW. I am sorry.
A Dude
@PistolPackinMama These are the problems I want to read about!
@Slapfight Sex-norms are not the only social-norms that need reification and discussion in the context of advice columns, Slapfight.
@wharrgarbl Indeed!
@PistolPackinMama DTMFF
@PistolPackinMama Ask an Ornithologist!
@LooseBaggyMonster Or indeed, A Pigeon.
Falcons are the new chickens.
@Slapfight Mews are the new urban beehives.
@travelmugs A single leather gauntlet is the new fedora.
@Slapfight Grudging affection from a falcon is the new grudging affection from a Brooklyn bartender.
@Slapfight A warm, dead pigeon is the new homegrown tomato.
@Mingus_Thurber Falconry.com is the new Etsy.
@wee_ramekin Taxidermied squirrels are the new knitted scarves.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Chuck Testa is the new Jack White.
Thank GOD Ladyhawke is on Blu-Ray, right guys?
@Patrick M Is it wrong that half the reason I want to see this movie is because of Dragon Age?
Also there should be an RPG where you can have a falcon help you kill things. It would be pretty badass.
Nicooooooooooole! They also will not let you falcon around small dogs, for obvious reasons. Not sure if this is a plus or a minus.
@wharrgarbl Are you thinking of the same Far Side comic I am? With the Falconry Club and the Teacup Poodle Fancier's Association Picnic?
@wharrgarbl Out walking at dusk one time a great horned owl eyed my little dog. Is it bad that I found it kind of great? Little dog, big owl, the circle of liiiiiiiiiife.
@area@twitter Ha! Yes. There was also an incident in my hometown when I was back from college one summer in which a bitty old lady got into a what was essentially a slapfight with an injured hawk over her chihuahua. If there was any justice in the world, the newspaper article about it would have been illustrated with that comic.
@wharrgarbl I need to know more about this story.
@Xanthophyllippa *warning, kind of sad animal story ahead, sensitive 'pinners beware*
The bitty old woman--who was extremely bitty and in her 80s--was walking her chihuahua in a perfectly normal fashion when a hawk ran out of the bushes, grabbed the dog with one foot, and tried to hop-drag it back into the bushes with the other. She pulled back on the leash, trying to get the dog away from the hawk, and couldn't get enough force to get the dog free.
So it turned into sort of a really sad tug-of-war between this bird and this teeny little octogenarian over a very small dog. Eventually she was able to land a good solid kick to the hawk, which let go of the dog and fled, only to be captured shortly thereafter by fish and game guys. They figured that the hawk's behavior had most likely been prompted by extreme hunger, as its wing had been broken rather badly at least a few weeks prior to this, and it was underweight for its size. Unfortunately, it was unable to recover from the old lady-related injuries on top of the wing and the malnutrition. The old woman was then issued a rather large ticket for assaulting a migratory raptor.
Now my beat-up old Toyota Tercel is way cooler that I know the etymology of the name.
@cinnamonskin "I'm thinking of getting a Tercel. Yeah, that's a Toyota."
@cinnamonskin You should get a new horn that goes "CRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" instead of "beep."
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher
The shit hath hitteth the fan... eth.
@ilikemints I LOVE YOU.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher @ilikemints "Sweet love, RENEW THY FORCE!"
@ImASadGiraffe Hey! Don't say shit like that to me. People can hear you.
@emilylouise I have a dick on my face, don't I?
@ilikemints Remove head from sphincter, THEN drive!
@ilikemints @emilylouise @imasadgiraffe @the everpresent wordsnatcher
"excuse me, one question before we start. should you be drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?"
also, i got subsequently more excited with each thing you guys posted in this thread.
@so what? Last year I was their GOD.
@anachronistique turgid.
@anachronistique So, tell me about this dance, was it hoppin'?
@cinnamonskin @ilikemints @emilylouise @the everpresent wordsnatcher @anachronistique @heyits
I can't be seen at Club Skunk.
There's a difference between like and love. Because, I like my Skechers, but I love my Prada backpack.
@emilylouise I know you can overwhelmed and underwhelmed, but can you ever be just like, whelmed?
@heyits I think you can in Europe.
I have to pause the avalanche of quotes to tell you guys that I have been like everywhere in 10 Things since I'm from Washington! I've visited Stadium High, I've hung out at the Troll (duh), I've even drank beers and played pool at the sketchy bar where Heath Ledger drinks beers and plays pool in the movie! I'm basically Kat Stratford, sorry for partying.
@heyits Tumescent?
@so what? Everything but the beak and feet.
@emilylouise I would pay money to do a 10 Things tour. LOTS OF MONEY.
@emilylouise But I love *my* Skechers.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Come here and pay me, then. Actually, I'd do it for free! Kind of like how they have those Sex and the City walking tours in NYC :/
@remargaret That's because you don't have a Prada backpack.
@emilylouise Clearly, this needs to happen in the context of a 'Pinup.
@emilylouise @the everpresent wordsnatcher
I would travel from Chicago to Washington for a 'Pinup and 10 Things Tour.
Also, "Where are you from, Planet Loser?"
@ImASadGiraffe As opposed to Planet "Look at me, look at me"? (I would travel from Kentucky! Road trip!)
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I am in Cincinnati! Pinner carpool!
You know, these guys are no Bikini Kill or Raincoats, but they’re not bad.
Also, I think you'll all be pleased to know that this is a thing.
@ilikemints theeere goes the rest of my afternoon. That's fantastic. Also, I would totally come down from Alaska. They have cheap airfare to Seattle all the time.
@y'all Well, get your asses to Seattle then! You can pay me in wine! PAJAMA PARTY AT MY HOUSE. I'll wear my black lingerie. You don’t buy black lingerie unless you want someone to see it.
@emilylouise Oh this needs to happen IMMEDIATELY.
@emilylouise "So can I see your room?"
"No! A girl's room is very personal."
And I would very much like to have a pajama party and a 'pinup road trip to get there. But I don't have a car so someone swing over to Chicago to pick me up on the way?
@ImASadGiraffe Girl, we got you. I figure we'll drive north til we hit Canada, then take a left. We'll be there in no time.
@ImASadGiraffe "That must be Nigel with the brie."
Last year at LAX I watched a man wearing a turban exit a taxi with an enormous (masked) falcon on his gloved arm. I had so many questions in that moment, the most critical being "Why am I never seated next to anyone this interesting on a cross-country flight?!". It being LA and all, I half expected Wes Anderson to cross the sidewalk and yell "Cut!".
@Equestrienne I wish I could give this a thousand thumbs up. I would have screamed so loud, seriously.
@parallel-lines How did tiny hoods not get a mention in this write-up??
@Equestrienne My first one would be, "What does its poop look like?"
@Equestrienne Oh yeah! They wear little hoods with funny decorations on top so they don't catch a glimpse of something delicious-looking and just take off. Well worth a google. Also, they wear teeny leather anklets called "jesses" that falconers wrap around their glove like tefillin when they're carrying them around. Falconry has GREAT accessories, including/not including the raw meat bites you have to carry around with you depending on how you feel about it.
All that training and paperwork for a falconry license, and people are still getting deadly weapons in a day through the gun show loophole?
@Liz McClendon@facebook A lot of that training and paperwork is for the protection of the birds/the environment. Nobody really cares if you fuck up your gun because you didn't bother to figure out how to care for it properly. Conversely, I'm guessing nobody really cares if you hunt out of season with your falcon, versus the rather stiff penalties for improperly carrying/discharging your firearm.
@Liz McClendon@facebook (all the thumbs, they are up)
Yeah. And getting a license for your falcon to carry a weapon is shockingly easy. Mine didn't even have proper identification, told the dealer she was an owl, and walked away with a semi-automatic with a night scope. The mews look like an arsenal now.
@Liz McClendon@facebook My dad wanted to get a falcon when he moved to Arizona (which is the kind of place where you can plausibly keep one) and he had literally the exact same reaction, although a lot of the falconers in Arizona (like lots of everyone in Arizona) do in fact carry guns themselves. His other main observation was when he decided not to get one: "So, basically, you spend years preparing to have this thing, you get it, it requires 24/7 care so you can't travel or do anything without considering it, you spend a ton of money on stuff for it, but at any moment it can take off and leave you? It's like all the worst parts of child-rearing rolled into one, and it doesn't even love you back in the meantime."
He started volunteering at a raptor rescue instead, which I highly recommend if you're interested in this! You get to handle the birds once they deem you ready but you don't need the certificates and such and you're not wholly responsible for its existence, which is much easier.
GUYS. Family vacation in Scotland a few years back and the swank-ass hotel we stayed at (thanks, Mom and Dad!) OFFERED FALCONRY LESSONS. So no shit I went hunting. And the number one reason to get a falcon: Because you feel like a badass the entire damn time.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher WHAT HOTEL I WANT FALCONRY LESSONS
@Tragically Ludicrous BEHOLD.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Your parents took you to Gleneagles? Jesus. Are they looking to adopt a daughter....namely ME??
@SuperGogo It was our First and Last Great Family Vacation. They went all out. It was mostly for Dad's benefit (read: lots and lots of golfing in the land of the sport's birth). And I realize this makes me sound totally terrible, but other than the activities (all great--falconry, archery, off-roading, etc.) it was SUPER fancy and kind of awkward? I mean, I got so nervous at breakfast one morning (breakfast!) that I dropped my fork and they brought me a new one on a silver plate with a napkin. I am more of a beer-and-fried-chicken-and-paper-napkins kind of girl so I was a little uncomfortable. BUT it was a phenomenal place, Scotland is jaw-dropping, and I feel really really fortunate that we got to go.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher You are making me feel even lamer about my family "vacations" to Ohio, where the main activities are always getting frozen custard and touring the Kent State campus.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Don't get me wrong, I'm totally jealous! I imagine 99% of people (ha) would feel awkward yet pinch-me spoiled to spend some time at a place that hosted both the G8 summit and Michael Douglas and Catherine Z-J's wedding. I'm glad you got to experience it for a few days!
@SuperGogo Wait, what, seriously? HOW DID I NOT KNOW THESE THINGS. Guh.
@emilylouise Please don't feel lame, all of our other vacations involved road trips to nowhere/Long Island to visit my grandma. Occasionally we would have a side-trip to an architectural destination because we were in the middle of Pennsylvania and why not.
@emilylouise: But the Skyline Chili! And Donatos pizza! And amish stuff, around, sometimes
Wait, Harry Potter fans are daytime hunting with owls?! And owls are getting messed up as a result of this?! People need to get a grip and let the poor owls be. Yeesh.
@Killerpants Besides, they should really be using their owls to deliver their post.
@Killerpants seriously what bizarre behaviour! People, I don't know how to break this to you but ... you aren't wizards (I know, I know, it was a tough blow for me too). Owls are not pets!
@Killerpants People have hunted with owls for many years, but I've heard they're really hard to train and kinda assholes so better off to work with another bird.
@redheadedandcrazy They are not pets; they're exams!
@redheadedandcrazy
It's still fun to go owling (not the meme, the business of walking in the night woods and calling out to owls in their own language until one comes over to say hello) !
My tiny daughter is already talking about OWLs and can do a pretty convincing great horned owl cry.
@atipofthehat That's so great. I love little fuzzy mammals, but I also seriously love birds of prey. I just know that as soon as I hit 50, I'm going to start wearing a khaki sunhat and become a serious birder. This winter, there have been several snowy owls spotted along the Chicago lakefront and I think I would just keel over if I could see one. Can you imagine?
@Mimi WHAT amazing.
OK, but let's talk turkey here. What would you name it? I'm thinking "Malcolm" for a sort of slant rhyme thing.
@Emby I'm liking multi-syllabic names that will sound distinguished when you send them off. "Quixote!" "Ferdinand!" "Alejandro!" Or we could always just go with Turkey.
@Emby Sir Snugglesworth.
@Emby Xavier would be an excellent name for a falcon, I think. Or Beatrix, for a girl falcon. Basically, "x" is the theme, because falcons.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! "Alejandro the Falcon".......ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahaha!
For some reason, that one is really funny.
@wee_ramekin I'm pretty sure it's because it evokes the image of Lady Gaga falcon-ing?
@Emby Spock.
@jen325 PERFECT.
@Emby The female of the Peregrine falcon pair in my hood is called Nona, which is actually short for "no name." This makes me very sad, so I secretly think of her as Portia. Portia the Peregrine. Perfect, right?
@Emby Der Kommisar and Amadeus
@LolaLaBalc Edie!
@Emby Envy Essence-Faye. The falcon.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I know you're just replying to Emby, but I'd like to think you intended the falcon's full name to be Emby Envy Essence-Faye.
@SuperGogo Naturally! GET WITH IT, NEVADA, WE JUST NAMED YOUR NEW STATE BIRD.
Edit: Callsign NBNVSNS Faye?
Every time I think of falcons I think of Joe Schmoe 2, where they had the Falcon Twists and the one time the bird missed the guy's arm and slammed into the door. Which is not funny! It is not funny. Stop laughing. It's not funny. You guys.
@tortietabbie I thought my roommate and I were the only people to watch that show. I LOVED it but it made me feel so, so conflicted.
Oh also fun story about falcons: I live near Toronto's Harlequin book building, and there are falcons nesting there (the first in the area for a very long time) so I'm always hearing them go "Craaaa!" and also finding headless squirrels EVERYWHERE.
Also: remember animorphs!? And how the one kid got stuck as a falcon?
@Megan Patterson@facebook Dibs on "The Harlequin Falcon" as my new superhero name!
Edited to add AHHHHHH ANIMORPHS
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I am having a good time designing The Harlequin Falcon's outfit in my head now. It will have many jingly bells, and use of a diamond motif.
@Megan Patterson@facebook TOBIASSS!
@Megan Patterson@facebook I was hoping someone would mention Animorphs! Every time I see a red-tailed hawk (there are a lot here) I silently scream Tobias's name.
@PistolPackinMama Yessssssssss I am so glad we're on the same page here. Some sort of flight/dive mechanism as well, a la Batman? Everything will be very streamlined. I will wear good eyeliner/a badass mask/both.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher
Design inspiration: something like this this perhaps?
@Megan Patterson@facebook OMG I can't believe the superhero thing NEVER OCCURED TO ME.
@PistolPackinMama THE LINK WON'T WORK. Hate my dumb work computer. I'll try again later but I'm going to go ahead and say YES.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher It's a Millennium Falcon decorated in Harlequin diamonds.
@Megan Patterson@facebook A pair of Peregrine falcons (Squawker and Nona) nest every year at the library just down the street from my office. I. am. obsessed with them. There's a nest webcam that I keep open on my desktop throughout the nesting season, and every year (right around my birthday), naturalists from the museum come by to band the chicks and I always go and watch! They're adorably fierce critters.
@PistolPackinMama WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
Edit: INTERNET WORKS YAY FOREVER.
@ilikemints YES! Also, did Tobias ever figure out a way to get out of that hawk body situation? Because they probably have shorter life spans than humans and I'm kind of worried he might have already passed on (in the fictional Animorph world of course...)
@SuperGogo I hope to someday be described as adorably fierce. Although maybe not a critter.
@Megan Patterson@facebook I seem to remember that he did.
@bananapants I think he regained the ability to morph, just from a hawk base not a human base, and got some human morphs. There was some time travel where he got his own body back? But iirc he never went human again permanently.
@Megan Patterson@facebook Wait! Do falcons take the heads of squirrels? If so, that explains a lot about the squirrel head (JUST THE HEAD) I saw once on the sidewalk in college while walking to class.
@Apocalypstick To be fair to him, I probably wouldn't want to be a permanent human either. HAWWWWK.
@Megan Patterson@facebook I dunno, but I am always finding the headless bodies of squirrels and birds nearly every single time I take my dog for a walk.
@Megan Patterson@facebook Here it's headless pigeons. One time, I saw two intact pigeon wings--just the wings--right below a dormer roof peak where I know the Peregrines like to prepare their meals.
@Apocalypstick WHAT!? I thought he did. Well if he got some human morphs at least he got to do it with the one girl who clearly wanted to do it with him. And in YA, that's all that matters, lol.
@Megan Patterson@facebook Do you remember the book where he and Rachel like crash landed in this land with dinosaurs? And she was in a ratty revealing bathing suit? And he was all shy and bashful in /thoughtspeak/. And Rachel was like such a babe? And all I wanted was for them to get it onnnn in whatever my 11-year-old self conceived of getting it on to be!
@Megan Patterson@facebook I...do not think I made it that far. Do I even want to know why there were dinosaurs?
@Megan Patterson@facebook Apparently...there was a nuclear explosion? My memory of the books is so hazy, but that stands out. And I think there was also a couple of books that took place in outer space. But I don't think that had to do with the usual crew of kids.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_the_Time_of_Dinosaurs !!!
@pastina Well, the outer space thing at least makes sense, because the Big Bad were aliens that took over people's brains!
You know what though? That dinosaur plot actually doesn't seem that crazy in the synopsis?
Pro about my job: My office holds falconry exams, and I work with several falconry teachers, and all of them are awesome people.
Con about my job: People often bring dead birds, such as falcons, right up to the front desk. Sometimes staff will stick them in the freezer in the lunch room, next to the Lean Cuisines.
@kayjay WHERE DO YOU WORK AND ARE THEY HIRING
@kayjay Where on earth do you work? The Ministry of Falcons?
@beatrixkiddo1 I WISH! You do not want to work here. Yeah, the falconry thing is pretty cool. You know what's not cool? Not doing your job, showing up late and leaving early because you've been so protected by civil service laws for so long, "work ethic" doesn't apply anymore. It's a sore spot with me.
@kayjay That is not cool at all. But, to reiterate the question, where do you work???
@kayjay Huh? That sounds like exactly the kind of job I need! Falcons and coming in late? Sign me up!
@TeresaOtter I'm going to guess it's a Fish and Wildlife Office?
@Ophelia Eh, close enough.
@Ophelia I'm going to stick with MINISTRY OF FALCONS.
I am kind of obsessed with falcons to the point that I once photoshopped myself hanging out with falcons in various social situations, telling people that if I ever got one it's be a totally cool, chill party falcon. I'm totally on board with this plan. And yes, when I am outside of a major urban area and can finally afford it, I am going for falconeering classes--you used to be able to apprentice in NYC but then all those chihuahuas went bye-bye (whatevs, get a real dog).
@parallel-lines "Party Falcon" is screaming to be a new Pinner's name.
@ilikemints First, they'd better get this website taken down :( http://falconparty.com/
@ilikemints Party falcon in the houssssssssse tonight...
@ilikemints You rang?
@parallel-lines The photoshop bit is one of the greatest things I've ever heard.
@parallel-lines Oh... somehow I thought that would redirect to eroticfalconry.com
eta: I guess that's kind of nsfw in a few places if that wasn't already obvious
jk'ing with the vote ron paul?
@teenie Falcons are more important than reproductive rights.
@Slapfight Falcons are cooler than desegregation.
@wharrgarbl Falcons are cooler than equal rights.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I heard falcons support the gold standard.
@teenie You don't have to pay sales tax on falcons. You pay a flat tax instead. (Warning: May wind up being much more expensive than just paying the damn sales tax.)
@wharrgarbl Falcons hate the Fed, believe it should be abolished and more DC mews installed.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Falcons refuse to comment on whether or not they wrote their own newsletters.
@wharrgarbl Falcons believe in peace, gold, and liberty*.
*Except for falcons who want to get abortions, gay falcons and tercels who want to get married, and falcons of other colors and species who want equal rights.
@wharrgarbl Falcons can deliver babies for forty years without making any observations of heredity or genetic mutation so evolution, whatever.
@laurel falcons believe the EPA is a bloated, ineffective government agency, and think that corporations will do the right thing when it comes to regulating their emissions and toxic waste.
@laurel Falcons don't support foreign aid to anyone, mostly equally but kind of especially to Israel and Africa.
@teenie Falcons want to legalize it, dude.
@teenie Falcons believe that if falcon hurt or dying and can't pay falcon hospital bill, falcon church or falcon family should be able to. Falcons don't care if you don't go to falcon church or have falcon family with thousands upon thousands of falcon bucks to pay your falcon hospital bill.
@SuperGogo Falcons don't understand that the base to which they're catering really would go out and do heroin if it weren't against the law.
@wharrgarbl Now that I've read the word "falcon" over and over, it doesn't look real any more, plus I'm kind of dizzy.
@Mingus_Thurber Yeah @kayjay's brilliant brilliant comment put my brain over the edge and now no words mean anything.
@Mingus_Thurber Semantic satiation reached.
@wharrgarbl Yep. I'm now wandering around the house singing "I throw my falcon in the air sometimes, saying CAAAAAAW get that chihuaHUAAAAA!"
Which beats last week's "If the little kitties don't want puppy licks/They better run, run, run/Outrun the doggie." But not by much.
@Mingus_Thurber Oh my, the second one.
@Mingus_Thurber Attempting to stifle hysterical laughter in the office. Not working. Tears.
@teenie: This thread makes me really happy that the holes in Ron's ideals are as easy to see as I think they are.
@Too Much Internet Everything makes more sense when you put it in terms of falcons.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Falcon Ron Paul. This is a tumblr waiting to happen.
@travelmugs YES YES PLEASE INTERNET
I drew a comic that is quite apt for this topic, but I cant show it off til I get home tonight so I hope you guys still care later tonight!
@manateaparty I care!
@jen325 Me too!
@manateaparty @wharrgarbl @jen325
okay i'm a week late with no excuse, but here is that falcon comic: http://hannahschulman.tumblr.com/#16116243944
@manateaparty I still care! Thank you. :)
Also? I really like the taco hat.
Falcons FTW! Also, courtesy of swingerobirches,The Ancient Art of Falconry: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YeN9ldOJGyY&feature=youtu.be
Nicole! I read all the Mercedes Lackey when I was in high school. I totally wanted a falcon too but she has these helpful points in a lot of her books about how you don't really want a falcon.
I keep on seeing her books on sale at Half Price buut I think I need to leave that love in the past. I do credit her having lots of queer characters though, it helped me get through being a closeted gay boy all through high school.
@boysplz oh man, I still re-read a bunch of her old stuff when I'm feeling crappy and don't have the brainpower for something serious. I refer to Mercedes Lackey books as "brain-candy". A lot of her older stuff holds up better than her newer books - she's gradually lost the ability to pace her endings properly. But she co-wrote a pretty good series with James Mallory called the Obsidian trilogy, and that one holds up pretty well, so if you can't resist the siren call of old book-loves, start there.
Not sure if this belongs in the Pro or the Con Column: Having a pet cat and a pet falcon would very likely result in posting the weirdest and most violent "Cute Animal Video" in the short history of YouTube.
@City_Dater I knew a maine coon that would hide in a bush and use the tip of her tail as a lure, then attempt to pounce whichever hawk was stupid enough to fall for it that day. I'd give all the monies to have gotten a video of it.
@wharrgarbl
That is pretty much what I was picturing, a perfect storm of backyard predator behavior.
had a fleeting dream to become a falconer about 2 years ago, inspired by a trip to Medieval Times. now i just continue to chase my everlasting dream of eating giant animal drumsticks frequently, also inspired by Medieval Times.
@JessAndNo Giant turkey drumsticks are the best (and main) reason I go to the renn faire.
"1788 – Aimée du Buc de Rivéry, daughter of a wealthy plantation owner on the French island of Martinique. After being sent to a convent school in France, she was returning home in July or August 1788 when the ship she was on vanished at sea. It is thought that the ship was attacked and taken by Barbary pirates. It has been suggested that she was enslaved and eventually sent to Istanbul as a gift to the Ottoman sultan by the Bey of Algiers. It is unconfirmed if she was the same person as Nakshedil Sultan, consort of the sultan."
omg Wikihole for the rest of the DAY with that first link. Haven't even gotten around to furiously googling stuff about falcons yet.
I've been talking about wanting a falcon on and off for years, because they are seriously badass and also I think I'm a 14th-century aristocrat. FALCONS.
So my very first comment here is about falcons... embarrassing.
Anyway! Our neighbor is a falconer person, and he hunts on our land a lot, and he's crazy smart and really nice and his main falcon (I think he has several) is TERRIFYING.
We went hunting with him once, but no prey was scared up so we basically just wandered through our pastures watching the birds fly, which was actually quite nice. AND my neighbor has an apprentice and the apprentice's falcon fly away one day and never came back so now he just wanders around on hunts with the arm leather glove thing on, looking forlornly up at the sky and hoping his bird will come back.
@bananapants That is the SADDEST THING
@bananapants Does your falconer friend have an OKC profile? Cause I kinda wanna go on a date with him. One would never lack for conversation.
And the forlorn apprentice makes me a bit sad/in the mood to write a ballad. Shame I can't really write music.
@bananapants Shit, that would totally be me, and it would break my heart forever and ever. I would just be running around the field yelling "Sir Snugglesworth come home!" carrying my falcon's tiny bird shutter shades and his "don't threaten me with a good time" bird sized t-shirt, worrying he's off partying with cooler people.
@parallel-lines Yep, me. The Party Falcon. Sorry about SDubs. (That's what we call him now.) He's kind of on a major cats n moles bender right now, but I'll be sure to send him home when he sobers up.
@PistolPackinMama Alas, he's married with kids. But he's a really great guy, and falconry is but one of like a million totally cool interests (kayaking, sustainable living, etc.). My dad is always trying to think of reasons to go borrow stuff from him just so he can sit around and chat.
@parallel-lines This comment wins the day.
@Megan Patterson@facebook Sorry, but nope. I think we can all agree that this is the saddest thing. Or maybe this.
@Party Falcon I am SO GLAD you're here.
@Party Falcon WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!? Is it because I posted all those drunk photos of you on facebook?
@bananapants That's heartbreaking. At least it has a good chance of surving in the wild.
@parallel-lines No, baby. Party Falcon fears no Facebook. No hate. SDubs just wasn't feelin the cut of your gauntlet, if you know what I mean. He had some wild CAAWWWWs to sow. If you love him, set him free.
@Party Falcon Reading between the caws: he's just not that into your glove.
@parallel-lines Guys, I know this a total threadjack, but I just need to express this, and then back to falcons. (sorry in advance)
There is a dude on the internet whose username is a shapeshifting cannibal ice monster of straight up malevolent evil in some Native N. American cosmologies. I think an equivalent name might be, like Violent Criminal 4 U, or something.
I am bemused.
@PistolPackinMama That's probably not that bemusement-worthy? I mean, there are like 40 million "Sam Carr's Dog"s on the internet, and that's kind of obscure and easily-indentifiable as bad mojo. People are kind of sad sometimes. (I don't know if this helps or makes it worse.)
@Party Falcon Forget the falconer. Now I want to go on a no-strings-attached date with Party Falcon.
@wee_ramekin Oh Achewood. I kind of forgot about you!
@Megan Patterson@facebook Now that is the Saddest Thing...
@PistolPackinMama :(
@parallel-lines yo, baby, no hate. It's just... you know, I need to spread my wings. And also I just got a job as a bartender in Brooklyn.
Now it is time for everyone to read The Goshawk, by T. H. White.
Then you will know how to train one of these birds, and I can attest that the same methods work on a cockatiel.
@atipofthehat Do you think they would work on a parrot?
Because one of my favorite things to do with my parents' parrot is to shout "Fly!" and raise my hand really high in the air while holding him, causing him to flap around in the classic "I'm a badass falcon" style. Of course he isn't, and he has clipped wings, so then I just have to bring him back down for nuzzles and beak-kisses to calm him. Is there a way to live out my falconry dreams without investing in an actual falcon though? (Not that my parents would ever be on board with this anyhow.)
@pterodactgirl
The method works on every creature I've tried it on, even people. It's basically this, leaving out the raptor-specific items:
1. Establish that you are not going anywhere
2. Establish that you are kind and gentle, but persistent
3. Establish that you can outlast the creature in terms of endurance
4. Establish that you will remain kind and gentle even when the creature is at a disadvantage
With birds this means lots of repetition and staying awake longer than they do. When they not only perch on you but fall asleep on you, trust has been established. AND TRUST CAN BE BETTER THAN LOVE.
However, if you are getting nuzzles and beak kisses already, you probably don't need the method but would enjoy the book.
@atipofthehat Ah well, while I was specifically looking for a "So you want to get your avian to hunt for you" type of book, that sounds good too :)
The best time I skipped the regulations and practiced amateur home falconry:
When I was maybe 16, I found a sharp-shinned hawk (about the size of a falcon) on the street outside my house after school. It didn't seem injured, but was just sitting there kind of dazed, which was weird. I thought it had been stunned by a car or something. I went over to it and it didn't fly away, so I went into our garage, got some of dad's woodworking goggles, a pair of mom's leather gardening gloves and a cardboard file box. I scooped the hawk up, stuck it in the box and carried it inside. Mom stopped me at the door and told me to, "take whatever is in that box outside" (I had a bit of a history with strays).
The hawk, whom I'd named Ebert, let me take him out of the box, perch him on my glove and toss him up in the air, at which point he'd fly a bit and glide back to the ground. And I'd pick him up and toss him again. He didn't seem to be distressed, so I "played" with him for maybe half an hour. My dad even brought out the camera. We found the number for the nearest wild bird rescue center and drove him there the next day. Turns out he had a tumor above his eye, which was causing the disorientation. They said they planned to remove it and rehab Ebert for release, but I'll never know...the photos are pretty cool, though.
@RocketSurgeon Could we please trade lives? That is amazing.
@RocketSurgeon That's way better than the time my grandfather fed a vulture roadkill until its wing healed.
@wee_ramekin: It was one of my cooler moments. I'm lucky my parents were like, "Kid in the yard with a wild bird? I don't see blood, so it must be going okay..."
@wharrgarbl We tried to feed Ebert raw hamburger that evening but he wasn't really into it. Probably nauseous from all the tossing and gliding in circles.
@wharrgarbl oh, i don't know - that's a pretty bitchin' story, i'm sure. can you imagine a state trooper coming up to your grandfather, as he is scraping roadkill off the pavement?
@teenie He had a circle of like twenty people calling him to alert him to fresh roadkill towards the end. (This went on for almost four months.) I'm pretty sure the cops' attitude to anyone seen scraping roadkill off the pavement around those parts is "I don't want to know I don't want to know." The vulture wasn't a complete freeloader, though. By the end he was really adept at catching and killing rats and snakes.
@wharrgarbl that. is. amazing. i think having a vulture pet friend would be THE TITS!
@teenie It turns out that vultures also do not love you and will leave without saying good-bye, though, so it's all the heartache of falconry and all the roadkillness of vultures. And they're the polar opposite of graceful when they're on the ground and can't fly, so there's very little dignity in any of the proceedings.
@wharrgarbl I sort of picture him hiding under a pelt with a spoon, like a human version of that clothh monkey feeding experiment.
@wharrgarbl Thankless vultures aside, your grandfather and friends are pretty awesome folk!
@wharrgarbl OH MY GOD. Some friends of my parents had, when I was a kid, two Rhodesian Ridgebacks, a pet owl (lived in the kitchen, perched on the kitchen clock), and a pet black vulture. I was a toddler at the time and was equally scared of the dogs and the vulture, which liked to cuddle.
Nearly forty years later, I had to check with my sister that I had indeed remembered all that right, because it seemed like something out of a children's book. They fed the vulture dog food and table scraps, I think.
@Mingus_Thurber Awesome. My grandfather's vulture was a turkey vulture, whose general demeanor usually hovers somewhere between "come at me, bro" and "yeah, I see you, no, I'm not getting out of the way" so no cuddles. I'm tickled by the idea of a vulture who likes to cuddle. And the best complaint about the whole episode was my grandfather having to feed it dog food once for a lack of roadkill, after which it got snotty about roadkill for a few days, so that sounds about right.
@Mingus_Thurber I want to hang with your parent's friends. This comment thread is filled with so much awesome.
@Slapfight I'm not sure you do. My mother says, and my toddler-hood memories reinforce, that vultures smell awful, no matter what you feed them.
How did you miss "My Side of the Mountain" in your pros list?!!!!!?!?!?!
Ahem. Anyhow YES all of these things!!! I would like a raven or two to hang out with. You know, watch them solve Rubik's Cubes with their beaks and let them fly in and out of my window.
@area@twitter And bring you nourishment in the desert, like Saint Meinrad?
@PistolPackinMama Yes. Although I live in the city, so the nourishment would probably be in the form of chicken wings and individual French fires.
@area@twitter Hoooooooly shit that book! It may have made me think "Yeah, dude, I could totally live in the wilderness as long as I had a falcon. I will cook French Onion Soup in a tree. Hooray!"
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher And cure my own leather in an oak stump! YES.
@area@twitter And then almost get shot because it's hunting season and I'm dressed completely in deerskin!
@area@twitter And help an old lady pick MY damned strawberries!
@area@twitter FRIGHTFUL.
@area@twitter Whoa, I haven't though of that book in EONS! My most favorite teacher of all time read that book to my 5th and 6th grade class. He always picked excellent books, and was such a good out-loud reader; I adored him. He also read us where the Red Fern Grows, which is a heart-wrencher of a book, but whatever; we were made of sterner stuff back then, we Midwest kids of the 70s.
This story is also one of my favorite NYC stories of all time: a hawk comes into a chicken joint named Birdies and sticks it's talons in your lunch: http://andiamnotlying.com/2009/lunch-hawk/
@parallel-lines That's a great story! Did you hear about the seagull who repeatedly shoplifted Doritos?
@jen325 I saw a gang of seagulls steal a hotdog and a side of fries from a small child this summer. They are total bullies!
@parallel-lines Aww, poor kid. They ARE bullies! So mean!
@parallel-lines My former stepsis had them steal her entire sub one time. I laughed a lot.
@jen325 I don't want to be a falconer. I want to be a seaguller(?) so I can eat the prey (Doritos!) my seagull brings back to me.
@emilylouise These are seagulls we're talking about. You'll be lucky to get the crumbs at the bottom of the bag by the time it gets to you.
@jen325 You have a point, but, better than no Doritos at all!
@emilylouise Seagull story I have probably told on the Hairpin before:
My dad was at a work meeting down in Florida during the winter, and staying at a fancy hotel where they cook you omelettes to order at breakfast. So he got his fancy hotel breakfast (omelette, fruit, oatmeal, orange juice, coffee) all ready on a tray, and he went outside to eat it because duh, Florida. And he turned his back for FIVE SECONDS to PULL UP THE CHAIR, and he turned back around and seagulls were feasting on his delicious breakfast.
@The Lady of Shalott Unsure if I have seen you tell that story before, but I really like stories about animals stealing things, so I'm happy to read it many times!
Seagulls are real assholes. Whenever we have tourist friends coming through Seattle they're always like "Let's to go Ivars [famous fish & chips place] on the waterfront!" and it's seagull central, they circle your head and try to steal all your fries and possibly poop on you and it's just a huge fiasco every time.
@emilylouise Oh my God one time I was waiting for the bus to go out to dinner with my roommate's parents, an occasion on which most people like to comport themselves with some dignity, and A BIRD SHAT ON MY HEAD.
@The Lady of Shalott Oh no! Of all the times to get pooped on!
I only got pooped on once, and fortunately I wasn't on my way somewhere nice. But that's not as good as the time I almost got pooped on. I was a teenager, walking down the street to the carnival. I was holding a twice-folded $5 bill in my hand, swinging both arms as I walked. On the upswing, a bird pooped on the tiny exposed square of the bill, narrowly missing my hand. I wiped it off on a trash can before presenting my money to the ticket lady.
@jen325 One time, during eighth grade graduation (a very emotional time to begin with!) a seagull pooped all over this girl's head. She cried and cried, and the rest of us laughed and laughed. Oh memories.
@emilylouise Haha, kids are so mean.
@The Lady of Shalott: I think many Florida birds are pretty hip to stealing human food.
Once I was on the far west side of 50 taking a trip on my motorcycle. I stopped in at a Subway to get lunch, and took my chips outside. A small gaggle of sparrows congregated and I tossed them some, until they started to cut out the middle man and just fly up and steal them directly from my hand (!).
The part of note, though, is while this is happening, two gigantic egrets from a nearby marsh/creek were slowly walking towards me. I thought they would just hover around the periphery, waiting for scraps, but when they closed within 10 feet, I decided to retreat back to the confines of the Subway. (I really didn't feel like being forced to kick a bird that was probably all kinds of endangered.)
PINNERS: I share with you now my bird webcams.
Bald eagle cam
Osprey cam
Peregrine falcon cam
Last two aren't up yet, still to early in the season, but the eagles are expecting eggs pretty soon.
@area@twitter I loved last year's eagle cam in Iowa--it's so funny to see the babies turn into these grumpy looking teenage birds. Thanks for sharing!
@area@twitter Yes to all of these! Here's the cam for "my" Peregrines in Evanston, IL: http://www.epl.org/falconcam/
@parallel-lines No problem! I love gawky teenage raptors, all feathery and awkward. The best thing happened the other day, apparently the male will bring food gifts to show he's a good provider. So two big majestic bald eagles commiserating in their eagle way, and right in the middle, bam, dead mallard.
@area@twitter I <3 gawky teenage raptors!, or, The Best Time I Watched a Juvenile Hawk Chase a Squirrel around in a Tree for Half an Hour.
@wharrgarbl "gawky teenage raptors". I have this vision of a hawk dressed up like Napoleon Dynamite, with huge glasses perched on a beak and an enormous overbite.
@wharrgarbl
"What are you drawing?" "It's a peregyr. It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a peregrine and a gyrfalcon mixed...bred for its speed and aerial ability."
(I may have made up the word "peregyr".)
@wharrgarbl Gawky Teenage Raptors = my band's name, if I ever start a band.
@area@twitter Hee. They look more or less like regular adults, but they're all "My wiiiiings, what do I do with them? How do I hold them? Why is that squirrel laughing at me? I don't know how to huuuuuuuuuunt." They may also write emails to Jane asking how exactly to arrange their feathers and preen properly? Because it's just not working out? And everyone else's feathers look great? There's some trick to it, right? They're not just hideous and ugly birds?
@wharrgarbl I will occasionally see grown birds flapping around, doing their bird business, followed by what are obviously their teenage/young adult fledglings shrieking at them and begging for food. Almost total adult size and plumage, but still doing that wing-hover, mouth-open, "feed me worms" pose. I always want to open the window and yell "GET A JOB."
@wharrgarbl Jane and Ask-a-Pigeon are co-writing a column now, right? About what to do if you have blood feathers in your tail right before migration, and the best dust baths, and polishing your beak on bones to keep it clean and sharp. and EYE MAKEUP. "Jane help, how do I make my irises as yellow as the ones I see in those stupid National Geographic documentaries?"
That's it, I'm writing Beauty Advice for Falcons.
@wharrgarbl A gawky teenaged red hawk tried to eat my cats this summer, which is why they only go outside into the metal Kitty Koop that my uncle got me. Wham-clang-scuffle, then pissed-off, ruffled raptor in the Chinese japonicus, and feathers all over the coop.
@area@twitter Every year, around autumn, I see mostly-grown-up fledgling seagulls walking along rooftops after their parents, crying at them, and the parents just turn their backs and walk away. And the poor fledgelings just keep crying and trying to get their attention, and it's the saddest thing ever. Damn you, nature!
CRAAAAW
I had a pet hawk for about two months. It's a long story, but imagine a training montage where a clueless human tries her best to train a hawk of very little brain to be an effective raptor, including running around her backyard with a chicken wing tied to a broomstick. Phil the hawk and I had a beautiful, strange relationship, which lasted until he wandered into a construction site like a dumb ass and got himself carted off by the authorities.
I like to imagine that he's up on Hawk Mountain, talking about that human female that changed him from a weakling to the killing machine he is today. I miss that bird.
@called birdy Was he not registered? Do you have to register your hawk for it to be legal? Oh man, that's a bummer.
@parallel-lines I have no idea. Phil was the product of poor raptor parenting and we just sort of adopted him. The construction workers at the site had never seen a hawk walking around before and called animal control without us knowing.
It wasn't all bad. I have good memories and, for a while, I had a parakeet that could imitate a hawk!
@called birdy Is your username a reference to Catherine, Called Birdy??
@smidge If it's not, it should be.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I'm going out to the barn to jump, fart, and pick my teeth
@smidge God's thumbs!
Vree! Hyllarr! Memories of Mercedes Lackey books before they completely fell off the cliff, quality-wise!
Actually, I don't remember if Vree was a falcon or a hawk. I do remember that Hyllarr was definitely not a falcon.
I mainly read this hoping that there would be a Yeats reference, and Nicole, you did not disappoint!
Sure, you could settle for a falcon. Or.
@ironhoneybee OH MY GOD. What a rollercoaster of emotions. Cute fox dies = sadness, but eagle cam/dangly eagle legs flopping in the air = wheezy laughs.
@ironhoneybee AHHHHH!!! That is BADASS! His wife just got a sweet new hat! I didn't know who to root for, but I feel ok the fox put up a good fight.
A two-month falconry apprenticeship?! That sounds like something out of the middle ages!
Birds of prey! There's a rescue in southern Ontario, and they do shows to educate people about the birds, advocate for habitat preservation, and show off cool animal tricks. The show usually comes to Perth for the garlic festival, so I end up buy so mcuh garlic and marvelling at awesome birds for a weekend in August.
Also, falconry is the state sport in the United Arab Emirates, so when I was working in Abu Dhabi last year, I saw more falcons in 7 weeks than in the rest of my life. Including a tiny adorable one in a museum courtyard. The falconer let me use his glove and have the bird perch, but he was pretty grumpy about it (the falcon, not the falconer).
@swirrlygrrl "falconry is the state sport in the United Arab Emirates"
I did not know this before, but of course it is.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher My friend is moving there next month! I can't wait to visit and falcon!
"Grasping the child firmly in his talons, Socrates here will fly him to safety! Just watch."
@LooseBaggyMonster "I...don't think he's coming back."
All I know about falconry I learned from My Side of the Mountain, except that these days they also wear teeny little backpacks with teeny little telemetry units, like falcon loJack. So cool.
@noReally "So, can you get it back for me?" "Oh, no. No, no, no. Nothing like that. But," and this is pronounced proudly, as if it is an actual accomplishment or might bring me some satisfaction, "we can tell you precisely where your falcon is."
One time I read this book which is actually a true story about this kid who lived in a canyon in Saudi Arabia maybe? And he trained a friggin' GOLDEN EAGLE to hunt for him (golden eagles can hunt goats and WOLVES. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWFtWzFbXCY ) And I REALLY WANTED ONE. If I had a golden eagle, it could take me flying, and also hunt fresh venison for me, and it would be SO BOSS.
Also, a friend put up a photoblog that includes his trip to a falcon hospital outside Abu Dhabi - some super pretty bird photos there! http://picsbyrobg.blogspot.com/2011/07/bird-of-prey-flying-highsort-of.html (Go further into the photoblog and you'll even see me and the pretty pretty falcon on my arm.)
South Park reference anyone? Love it Nicole Cliff.
SIGTBMAFOIAGTHWAODTD
Alternately,
SIGTBMAFOIAGTVFRP
I get like this every time I watch/discuss/hear a reference to the film Kes. I am now, for instance, typing 'learn falconry UK' into google. Damn.
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