Quantcast

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

251

Signs You'll Never Read in Your Office's Communal Kitchen

“This half-and-half is for everyone. Take as much as you need, I can always buy more.”

“To the person who has been using the microwave to reheat really spicy food — God, it smells amazing. What is that, saag paneer?”

“Every Friday all open food containers that have not been removed from the kitchen will be covered in velour and filled to the brim with shiny silver dollars, because I love you guys.”

“The microwave has been filled with pudding for a very good reason; please do not clean it.”

“Who keeps emptying the trash can every Thursday afternoon? Slow down there, Stick Stickley! You’re on island time now.”

“Could the owner of this moldy Tupperware please stop by my cubicle and kiss me as if it were for the last time?”

“There’s this weird, I guess a lump thing? I’ve noticed in my throat lately, when I swallow, and I’m not sure if it’s my lymph nodes or whatever. Do you know what I mean? That kind of lumpy feeling? I don’t know if you can feel it, but I can feel it every time I swallow. That’s weird, right?”

“I literally never wash my hands.”

“I can only please one person per day. Today is your day. Today is your day. Name your desires and I will dismantle my own body to realize them.”

“Sign up for the Events committee to ensure that you’ll never be seriously considered for a promotion!”

It seems we've been at cross-purposes, doesn't it? But it's no use now. As long as there was Bonnie, there was a chance that we might be happy. I liked to think that Bonnie was you, a little girl again, before the war, and poverty had done things to you. She was so like you, and I could pet her and spoil her, as I wanted to spoil you. But when she went, she took everything.”

“I’ve made myself the unofficial kitchen manager, because it’s profoundly rewarding and challenges me both mentally and sexually.”

“I don’t care what the doctors say; I know that whatever happened to Lisa wasn’t an accident. My sister was murdered.”

“I can’t figure out how to access Clip Art since they had us update to Windows 7. Is anyone else having this problem?”

“I have a lot of trouble telling Bernadette Peters and Madeline Kahn apart. I think one of them died pretty young. Which one of them was in The Jerk? Was it Bernadette Peters? Or is that Gilda Radner? Whoever was married to Gene Wilder. Mm, Madeline Kahn was definitely in Young Frankenstein, so maybe it was her. God, that’s so sad.”

Previously: So You've Decided to Take More Time for Yourself.

Mallory Ortberg is a writer in the Bay Area. Her work has also appeared on Slacktory and Ecosalon.

Photo by ARENA Creative, via Shutterstock



251 Comments / Post A Comment

dinos

Mallory Ortberg! It has been too long.

Ophelia

The best thing about my office is that they buy milk, gallons of it, every week, so all 400 of us can use it in coffee, drink it, put it in cereal, whatever. Our founder was apparently kind of a health nut who didn't believe in non-dairy creamer, so now having milk is A Thing.

We moved offices a few years ago, and they had to stop the milk delivery for a week while everything got settled. Everyone was fine with there being no working printers, not knowing where any of the files were, etc., but HOLY SHIT were people complaining about not having milk.

Also, the one about clip art!!!

wharrgarbl

@Ophelia Well, yeah. You expect that stuff. When the milk stops coming, that's panic time. Did we run out of cows? Will we never have milk again? Am I going to spend the rest of my life eating cheerios dry like some kind of animal/toddler/fratboy?

Ophelia

@wharrgarbl AM I GOING TO HAVE TO SWITCH TO EASY MAC?!?!?!

hedgehog

@wharrgarbl Expecto Lactorum! sorry, having a moment.

madge

@hedgehog marry me immediately

emilylou

@Ophelia Oh the milk crises I've seen here. And don't even get my office STARTED about when we run out of gross Keurig K-Cups for a few days... pandemonium. "ARE WE OUT OF COFFEE?????????"

It's downtown Seattle, there are literally like 20 Starbucks within a 1mi radius.

Ophelia

@emilylouise Ugghhh, I hate k-cups. Whyyyyyyy?

thebestjasmine

@Ophelia I HATE THEM TOO. And people get all excited about getting one of those machines, but it makes TERRIBLE COFFEE. I don't understand.

Hellcat

@thebestjasmine Good to know. My family keeps insisting I need one (mainly because, I suspect, they find me difficult to buy gifts for -- and maybe someone has one they want to regift! Oh, hypothetical jerks!). I keep telling them that, when I make coffee at home, I make a damn pot full of it just for me and that's how I like it!

shantasybaby

@Ophelia Just to balance out the criticisms, I like my Kuerig. I'm not a coffee snob at all AND I'm very lazy, hate the clean up of a reggie coffee pot, and wasting a whole pot of coffee on myself. They have their upsides, especially in a work setting I would imagine (I seldom drink communal work coffee because of the whole "last cup makes new pot" because -as I mentioned- I hate coffee making.) And leaving to building to buy coffee (even if it's close by) seems like a lot of work. But again I'm SUPER LAZY.

Ophelia

@shantasybaby Yeah...I regularly consume an entire pot of delicious coffee all by myself, so the "convenience" part of the k-cup argument never really flew for me. And while I have friends who SWEAR that you can buy better/snazzy machines/coffee and it's good, that hasn't been my experience...

thebestjasmine

@Ophelia Also, those machines are NOT cheap, and buying those (TERRIBLE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT) cups makes it even more expensive, while my $20 french press hums along just fine. But really, it's the weak and yucky coffee that is the dealbreaker for me.

NeverOddOrEven

@thebestjasmine I got one as a gift, then bought the reuseable basket that you fill with your own coffee, to assuage my waste-guilt, so I like mine. Makes quick work of hot water for tea, too.

But with how often I have to fill the water resevoir, and cleaning out the reusable cup, I feel like a shit head for not just getting into French Press.

Anji

@thebestjasmine We have K-cup coffeemakers at my office, and I hate them. Especially the "tea". I've become a ridiculous tea snob since I started working here.

whateverlolawants

@Ophelia If they ever stop delivering water here, I don't know what we'll do. We get bottled (bad for the environment, but I keep a bottle for a week and refill from the sink/cooler) AND have a cooler. Apparently we're not supposed to have a cooler anymore, but no one has ever come to collect it in the two years I've been here, and my coworkers might bodily block anyone who tried.

Xanthophyllippa

@hedgehog That's exactly what I did, through my nose, when I read your comment.

Myrtle

@thebestjasmine Mmmm, French Press: darling, why did I fear you when you are so lusciously easy. I adore doing you without any paper in between us. Does the depth of your crema mean you love me, too?

Megasus

I would write the second one about the saag paneer

null

@Megan Patterson@facebook Same. I wouldn't write that about the crab my co-worker was microwaving last week.

PistolPackinMama

@Megan Patterson@facebook It is on account of this that I just eat my spicy leftovers room temp. I can't bear the idea of subjecting an unhappy person to my eau de chana masala.

Mine is the smell of microwave popcorn. That stuff makes my stomach churn.

redheadedtwit

@AnthroK8 Bluhhhhh. Microwaved popcorn is FORBIDDEN at my work. There is a sign on every microwave. Apparently the Fire department threatened to start charging everytime they got a false alarm because of microwave popcorn. Of course this just makes me want microwave popcorn even more.

Carrie Ann

@AnthroK8 - that's because microwave popcorn smells like feet. And then it burns and smells like burnt feet.

wharrgarbl

@redheadedtwit Half of my coworkers have bags of microwave popcorn in their desks due to one of my coworkers persistently making himself a bag on a lunch break, leaving everyone on the floor either craving it for the rest of the day or, if they hated it, quietly closing the door and wishing him dead.

area@twitter

@Megan Patterson@facebook My officemate (from India) keeps bringing in spicy delicious things with homemade naan. It's taking all my willpower not to lunge across the table and dig in barehanded. ::OM NOM NOM::

phlox

@AnthroK8 Mine is the smell of microwaved fish. There was someone in grad school that would microwave something with fish for lunch and the whole lounge would smell like fish for the rest of the day.

Megasus

@area@twitter omg i would be creepily standing behind them while they ate and smelling their food EVERY DAY. until they brought me some.

contrary

@area@twitter Homemade naan? I don't think I'd be able to contain my willingness to lunge. There has never been and will likely never will be a point in my life when I do not want to shovel Indian food into my mouth until the world ends.

Verity

@AnthroK8 Every Thursday at my work the smell of microwave popcorn is everywhere, because there's a group session with young people downstairs (I work for a charity that supports victims of domestic abuse), which apparently means LOTS OF POPCORN.

Megasus

@Verity To...soak up the tears? Or maybe just to remind people of going to the movies and not being abused.

Verity

@Megan Patterson@facebook Hopefully not to soak up the tears! I assume it's just a "Kids like films! Popcorn goes with films!" thing.

bashe

@Megan Patterson@facebook And then there was the time that the super-dim administrator set her Lean Cuisine meal on 45 MINUTES in the departmental microwave, which caught on fire, and the whole building was evacuated and the firemen came!

Why do we even HAVE a 45 minute setting on a microwave?

whateverlolawants

@area@twitter I have a coworker from India too and she has SHARED her homemade Indian food. I am so lucky.

whateverlolawants

@bashe Right?! Defrosting, maybe... I don't know how that works. It's the only thing I can think of. Then there was the time in college that I didn't know how to set the dorm microwave's power at 50%, so I thought I'd just cook my Bagel Bites for half the time at full power. Ten minutes later, my whole dorm is standing outside and the fire department is searching the building for the source of the smoke.

bashe

@whateverlolawants BUT DID YOU GET YOUR BAGEL BITES?? Or did you hope they wouldn't dust the Bites for prints and stuff?

Xanthophyllippa

@Verity Similarly, the women's bathroom down the hall from my office is above a large lecture hall that often hosts meetings for professional organizations. These meetings always involve lunch, so two or three times a week I'll walk in to a bathroom that smells like catered lasagna, pizza, or (worst) Chipotle.

whateverlolawants

@bashe The Bagel Bites were toast (literally?) :( I even had to throw away the plate, and I'm loath to throw anything away that might someday, some way be salvaged. I think I did fess up to the firefighters discreetly, so they wouldn't tear apart the whole building and make all my dormmates stand in cold for an hour, thus imprinting the incident in the collective dorm memory.

JessicaLovejoy

"Hey, person I'm always harassing to switch shifts with me! Today your forced kindness will be returned. Below is a print-out of my schedule and a highlighter. Just mark what days you'd like off, and I'll take care of the rest! Also, everyone says you look really well-rested. Have a great day!"

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@JessicaLovejoy ah yes, summer 2006. That girl now lives in my neighbourhood and was SUPER JAZZED the last time she saw me!

thebestjasmine

Mmmmmm, saag paneer.

Anchovy Cake

Now I want there to be a Gone With the Wind Quote on Everything in the office.

elizabeast

@Anchovy Cake This is going to be my Office Project this week.

Bebe

@Anchovy Cake I'm afraid that the most common one would be "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

melis

"I hate you, Melanie Wilkes. I hate you and I hate your baby."

Katie Scarlett

@melis "Got anything else besides these ear bobs?"

melis

@Katie Scarlett Do you think I care if you like your brandy?

Hellcat

@melis "I've always thought a good lashing with a buggy-whip would benefit you immensely."

CheeseLouise

@Hellcat Great balls of fire. Don't bother me anymore and don't forget to refill the sugar. And the non-dairy creamer if you think of it.

Ophelia

@Hellcat "As God is my witness, I will never go hungry again...now that you've left all these unmarked yogurts in the fridge."

Bebe

@Ophelia Dear HR Manager: I would like to lodge a formal complaint about Bob in accounting. He looks as if he knows what I look like without my shimmy.

CheeseLouise

@Bebe If you steal my yogurt once more, I'll send you to jail. And not even a human jail, a horse jail!

Hellcat

@CheeseLouise I's talking 'bout Chobani Pineapple... and you settin' there waitin' for it, just like a spider.

momjeans

@Hellcat omg, MAAAMMMMYYY. i love you Hellcat for the settin' and the waitin'.

momjeans

@melis oh lordy, mr. butler. KISS ME. that scene is my fave forev.

Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook

@Anchovy Cake Speaking of GWTW, this is our men's bathroom door at work: http://i54.tinypic.com/f10k9.jpg

koko

I'm very drunk and I intend on getting still drunker before this work-day's over.

sevanetta

@Anchovy Cake YES. Bonnieeeeee wahhhhhh

JessicaLovejoy

DEAD DOVE, DO EAT

likethestore

@JessicaLovejoy I don't know what I was expecting.

bouncy castle

@JessicaLovejoy RAT CARCASSES, NOT EVEN BIOHAZARDOUS AT ALL, MAKE SOME STEW OUT OF THEM!

Dancercise

@JessicaLovejoy You didn't eat that did you? I only have a couple more days to return it.

Gertrude

@JessicaLovejoy "It sounds like a salad dressing, but for some reason, I don't want to eat it."

annveal

@Gertrude Mayonegg?

candybeans

@gertrude yeah, i'd think about marinating a chicken in that.
ps, i love everyone.

whateverlolawants

@JessicaLovejoy Hot ham water!

parallel-lines

Put a sign on your office microwave that says "more fish in here!"

bonnbee

Hahahahahahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.

The Lady of Shalott

@melis I WORSHIP AT YOUR FEET

laurel

I was not expecting velour. It made me snort.

D.@twitter

Saag paneer IS amazing. I had an Indian friend in college whose mom stocked her freezer w/ all this home-cooked food at every opportunity, and she didn't even WANT it. But I did.

Ophelia

@D.@twitter I had a Korean roommate in college, and SAME. Mmmmmmmm.

theharpoon

So you're saying people are lying to me when they tell me my Central Market butter chicken smells amazing? They are not! I refuse to believe it!

Lily Rowan

"Today is your day."

I would totally put that one over my desk in clip-art-y fashion, were it available.

Xanthophyllippa

@Lily Rowan If I could cross-stitch, I'd make you one.

Lily Rowan

@Xanthophyllippa Aw, thanks!

Clare

It's totally cool that you decided to eat the yogurts that clearly have my name written all over them.

Yes, I am that person.

applestoapples

@Clare My former boss would go in the fridge and eat my Greek yogurt with my initials on it at least twice a week for like a month. Then he'd walk by my desk and say, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to eat your food, but this is SO good. Can you ask the receptionist to order these for the whole office? Oh, and ask her to just replace the ones I ate from your stash."

When I finally did, I caught him eating ANOTHER one of my reimbursed yogurts. "Well, she didn't get the right flavor. I really liked the pineapple."

atipofthehat

@Clare

I got tired of this happening. Since I learned to put a convincing seal on yogurt cups and fashion a false bottom with a powerful spring, people don't even USE the refrigerator on the right anymore.

wharrgarbl

@atipofthehat Okay, so guess what I'm going to spend the rest of the week doing? (Hint: Any guess that doesn't involve yogurt, sturdy springs, and a glue gun is wrong.)

Ophelia

@wharrgarbl I really wish I could work with you.

wharrgarbl

@Ophelia But my workplace does not buy us milk!

Hellcat

@applestoapples The pineapple! Are you talking about Chobani! Oh my gooooodnesss, yes. Pineapple Chobani.

We have a poorly worded sign here that admonishes us to label our own food in order to "be considerate of others."

Ophelia

@wharrgarbl Hmm. Good point. We need to somehow orchestrate a melding of our workplaces (although I now work from home, and am only in the office every few weeks).

applestoapples

@Hellcat I must have Pineapple Chobani at least twice a week. I one time had a tantrum in my kitchen when I realized I had bought two containers of the lemon instead.

Dancercise

@Hellcat
Label your own as opposed to labeling other people's?

Actually, that's not a bad idea for the truly awful among us. "What? No, this isn't your yogurt. See, it has my name on it. Someone else must have eaten yours."

Dancercise

@Ophelia
But then where do you get your milk? I'm worried about your calcium intake. Osteoporosis is not a joke.

Ophelia

@Dancersize Seriously. If not for the cafe down the street that lets me put tons of it in my coffee, I'd be crumbling into nothing.

Hellcat

@Dancersize Yeah! Here's the exact wording:

PLEASE!!!!!
BE CONSIDERATE OF OTHERS...
LABEL YOUR FOOD..

THIS WAY...

IF IT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU
YOU CAN ASK THE CORRECT PERSON IF YOU
CAN USE IT!!!

melis

That's the kind of person who deserves to have a single bite taken out of, and Dr. Bronner-style labels affixed to, every single item of food they have in the refrigerator.

Ophelia

@melis @wharrgarbl We need to make Dr Bronner-style labels for the exploding yogurt, too. We'll lure people in with the crazy, and make 'em stay for the goop.

melis

"I've licked everything on your desk. Everything.

Ophelia

@melis I've licked three things on your desk. Guess which.

atipofthehat

@melis

ALL-ONE !!!!!

brista128

@Hellcat IT'S SOOOO GOOD. I think because it's 2% and all the others I get are nonfat. But still. Delicious.

Hellcat

@brista128 It tastes like summer!

bashe

@Clare Note "Hope you liked my yoghurts, including the ones I didn't finish, because they were stinging my herpes blister!"

whateverlolawants

@bashe Sick of people eating her food in the dorm fridge, my sister glazed an old piece of cake with Elmer's glue. It was gone the next morning, but theft slowed down afterwards.

MrsLlama

@hellcat OMG I totally just ate one!

Hellcat

@MrsLlama Mine is right here, waiting for me!

Jolly Farton

haha I came to say "saag paneer is amazing..." but of course the 'pinners have covered that already.

I should've known. I love y'all.

atipofthehat

Fanny Dooley hates melis, but she LOVES Mallory!

atipofthehat

@atipofthehat

Fanny Dooley hates the Hairpin, but she LOVES Zimmerman.

laurel

Yes, please, stand right behind me chewing your microwaved crap while I work at my desk.

atipofthehat

@laurel

Extra points for loud, juicy, jaw-popping mastication sounds?

Hellcat

@atipofthehat NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Ugh, "juicy."

Valley Girl

@atipofthehat I've always heard about the horrors of jaw-clicky eaters but never really heard it myself, and the other day something went out of alignment when I was trying to eat and suddenly I was a clicker! I freaked out and made some weird faces and eventually it went away...but what if comes back??? WHAT IF IT COMES BACK???

area@twitter

@Valley Girl Press on the opposite side of your jaw and wriggle around until it pops in? Works for me. (Related: does anyone else get that thing where your jaw pops out- usually just after you've woken up- and attempting to close your mouth or, God forbid, chew something is really painful? Like in a hitting your funnybone, every nerve squealing kind of way?)

tea for all

@laurel yes. some of us just have misaligned, clicky jaws. mine, like my father's, popped whenever i chewed for years, then stopped abruptly some time ago.

Valley Girl

@area@twitter Whoa, I don't get the stuck jaw, but I do totally get the "first chew of the day pain"! You are like the ObiWan to my Luke Skywalker. Thanks for telling me how to force (Force) my jaw back in alignment!

area@twitter

@Valley Girl I just- JUST- figured this out a few weeks ago. It works MUCH better than my old method which was to jam a fist against the unhinged portion of my jaw and whimper in pain. It still hurts like hell, but it goes back in much more easily for me- I hope it works for you, young padawan.
...We should probably go see dentists or something, shouldn't we.

mc coolfriend

@Valley Girl Time to get your wisdom teeth out? They can knock your jaw around a little on their way down if they're descending poorly, or impacted.

Valley Girl

@methadont Hmm, I got them out a couple of years ago, but all four WERE badly impacted so maybe they're still behind it all?

@area@twitter Your pain is my gain.

Xanthophyllippa

@area@twitter I don't have that problem, but I swear I've pulled muscles in my neck and cheeks and mouth by yawning too hard. Like, I hyperextend or something and then my mouth won't close for a few seconds.

WastedPaper

"Don't ever worry again about who will refill the ice cube trays in the freezer - I will refill ALL THE TRAYS, ALL THE TIME. In fact, if we ever run out, feel free to stop by my desk and let me know, so I may jump up immediately and see to this joyful task."

(too first-world problemish? clearly I have feelings)

boysplz

@WastedPaper Nah, ice is very important to us Americans. I once had some Spanish roommates that had a habit of getting drunk and cutting out water bottles in half. When they went for my half filled ice bottles I had to sit them down and explain how sad it made me to them.

Alixana

@WastedPaper I hate this! I can always tell whether my boss is in the office or not by the state of the ice cube trays. Ugh.

Dirty Hands

@boysplz But wait, how does that get them ice?

boysplz

@Dirty Hands they didn't even want it! They just had drunk destructive urges.

Chris Roberts@facebook

To the serial killer that keeps putting heads in the freezer. Can you a LEAST wrap them in aluminum foil so we don't have to look into a freezer full of face?

atipofthehat

@Chris Roberts@facebook

Saythatscold

kayjay

@Chris Roberts@facebook People will occasionally leave dead animals in the lunchroom freezer, like the one time a bat with white nose syndrome ended up in there, right next to someone's Lean Cuisine. I work for my state's environmental agency, and we frequently get questionable dead animals brought right into reception. Gag.

Mr. B

@Chris Roberts@facebook Dude gets banned from The Awl for gay-baiting Choire and moves straight over here to continue his commenting career. Points for persistence, my friend.

leastimportantperson

Could someone really creepy come up behind me and, without saying a word, start rubbing my shoulders while I'm waiting for my coffee to brew? Thx in advance! [Clipart of businesswoman giving Power Point presentation]

area@twitter

@leastimportantperson How has this person not received an elbow to the nose yet?

leastimportantperson

@area@twitter If I could turn back time...

.
.

@leastimportantperson Are you Angela Merkel? (I almost wrote merkin)

Xanthophyllippa

@Mooah Proud to be A Merkin!

Katie Scarlett

Oh Rhett! Rhett, please don't say that! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry for everything!

elysian fields

At my last job there was a weekly coffee hour with a giant vat of coffee accompanied by milk and so forth (we only had communal dairy products once per week because we were a poor nonprofit). Once, there was no half and half. A lady came in, filled her mug with coffee, discovered the absence of half and half, and became so totally irate that she very dramatically *hurled her mug of coffee into the sink* and stalked out.

People are crazy!

parallel-lines

I prefer my popcorn burned so if you could go ahead and burn six or seven bags that'd be great!

Appropriate to the student lounge at law school:

"To whomever microwaves tilapia in our poorly ventilated student lounge during lunch: I love you forever and ever, will you please share your most appetizing lean protein?"

BadWolf

@S. Elizabeth I think that guy transfered to my preservation studio. Did he also break the coffeepot, and then simply walk away from the watery carnage? And try, over a tupperware of fish, to blame it on you when called on it? We just love him over here.

@BadWolf He usually blamed the fish smell on the kid who was eating saag paneer.

no way

We just hired your Mom!

parallel-lines

@no way Ha! I actually used to work with my mom and made a sign that said "My mom may work here but yours doesn't, so clean up that mess!"

atipofthehat

A sign I used to have in my own kitchen and highly recommend:

Cleaning up as you go along is half the fun.

The Lady of Shalott

@atipofthehat When I was a kid my dad told me "Clean as you go and your mess will never show!" at LEAST once daily. While I now recognize that this is true, it was still wildly aggravating to hear in a rhyming slogan from your father once every day.

atipofthehat

@The Lady of Shalott

Forget what he said, it will ease your head!

atipofthehat

@The Lady of Shalott

Don't think about dad and you won't feel so bad!

CheeseLouise

@atipofthehat I used to love Head Butler, back in the era to which you linked. I feel like he got preachy though. Maybe I'll revisit.

area@twitter

@atipofthehat I will admit to a certain quiet smugness when I finish cooking something and do NOT have a sink full of encrusted pans at the end. Alas, this rarely happens.

BoozinSusan

@atipofthehat Thank you. That was wonderful. "You are about to commit adultery. It's either that or hurt her feelings." (guffaw)

one cow.

"Please leave the cupboard doors open, as this allows our dishware to breathe."

gravie

@one cow. DRIVES ME CRAAAZYY ARGH!!!!

Also, "Please take only the clean dishes you need to use out of the dishwasher."

meetapossum

@one cow. Seriously! Why do people do that? My last three roommates have been seemingly unable to close cabinet doors. Is it an epidemic?

CupcakeTattoos

@one cow. @meetapossum OH MY GOD. MY HOUSEMATES DO THIS. I cannot believe it is actually a thing, especially as our cupboard doors are at eye level, so you get bruised eyebrows. WHAT IS THIS?!?

MrsLlama

@one cow. My husband does this. It always looks like a poltergeist has gone through our apartment and it makes me MURDEROUS. What is UP with that, am I right ladies?

Ophelia

"Please let old coffee mugs soak, rather than washing them right away; it's more sanitary for all of us."

antarcticastartshere

Write to me, Stick Stickley
PO Box 963
New York City, New York State
10108!

Anyone?

bonnbee

@antarcticastartshere STICK STICKLEY <3

CheeseLouise

@antarcticastartshere or email me at nick.com

anderin

@antarcticastartshere Or tweet me at #POBox963.

.
.

@antarcticastartshere OMG I totally mailed him a popsicle stick lady when they were taking fan submissions. She had a huge rack made of fake pearls and a floral print dress.

I later got the envelope back with her missing- it said that it arrived empty but I always thought that her pearls scandalized them and they sent the envelope back so I wouldn't think they rejected her.

BoozinSusan

@antarcticastartshere STICK STICKLEYYYYYY Oh youth, where have you gone?

Loose Seal

@antarcticastartshere I sometimes forget my employee ID number at work, I'm often shaky on my own home address, but I can always, always remember how to get in contact with Stick Stickley.

area@twitter

Can we please pack more ancient entrees and unwrapped waffles in our freezer? There's almost enough space for me to slip in a Lean Cuisine and that just won't do. Plus I love the merry clattering sound everything makes when I open the freezer and it all falls on the floor!

Optional Bonus Round for Medical Folks: Please store your vaccine supplies with our food. I always wanted to see if I could immunize myself to chicken pox by blending varicella in with my yogurt.

kayjay

"Please don't consider the environment, because climate change is a hoax. Print every single email just to spite the liberals."

Hellcat

@kayjay OH MY GOODNESS, my boss does this. You send a message to him and, two minutes later, there he is lurking quietly behind you with the printed version clutched in his paw.

We used to have a food stealer (we probably still do, but I have taken to not using the refrigerator so who knows...) and my suggestion was to slide a hairball from my shower drain between the crust and the cheese of some leftover pizza, leave it in the community fridge... and wait for the screams.

M'fly

@kayjay EVERYONE in my office does this! Ahhhhh! And one of my coworkers has a client who keeps accidentally sending emails intended for her to my account, so I thought that informing him of his error and forwarding the emails to her correct account would be good enough... but no, she says it's "easier" if I just print every single email he sends (often a dozen in a day) and put them on her desk.

kayjay

@J Keems@twitter My boss is the worst offender of the email printing...and he's THE BOSS of everyone. And, to make matters worse, I work for a state agency that deals directly in environmental matters. Weeeeee!!!!

Verity

@kayjay My boyfriend had an eccentric tutor at university who was slow to adopt technology and had apparently insisted on his secretary printing out all emails for him and leaving them on his desk. His daughter is the government's internet tsar.

whateverlolawants

@kayjay We're SUPPOSED to print this one daily email and file it at work. I'm over it now- too many things to fight about, can't choose them all-but it seems so redundant.

ironhoneybee

I like to think #8 would look a little something like this.

Barry Grant

Hey loveable Neanderthals, don't bother wiping the melted cheese out of the toaster oven. I actually enjoy flame-broiled pizza and near-emergencies.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@Barry Grant You can totally leave your daily bagel's sesame seeds in the toaster so they burn to a crisp and smell fabulous and then fall all over the counter if ever the toaster gets nudged!

cuminafterall

"Please clip your fingernails at your desk whenever I am around. The sound helps me focus!"

bashe

@cuminafterall Also on public transportation, if it makes you feel comfortable.

bonnbee

"Please listen to only the local Top 40 station for eight hours straight. They play the same awful pop songs three times an hour in between commercials for car dealerships, and I just love it! Let's hear another round of that awful Chris Brown song and sing along!"

emilylou

@bonnbee To be fair, I was listening to a rousing S Club 7 mix at my desk yesterday after reading that "Ain't No Sunshine" post.

@emilylouise I just opened spotify, started a private session, and played every single S Club 7 song on the database. It was GLORIOUS.

Porn Peddler

@bonnbee My mom would listen to top 40 radio in her tiny office space when I worked with her. I heard so much Katy Perry it was unbelievable and at 12:30 to 1:30 each day, they only played techno remixes of pop songs. HORRIFYING. The only thing about the station that bothered her? A commercial that constantly played in which a woman pronounced "salad" as "salat."

emilylou

@S. Elizabeth Hell YEAH you did!
I also used Spotify, but I'm pretty shameless with my listening, no private sessions for me. Everyone can know. S CLUUUUBBBBBBB

werewolfbarmitzvah

I want to start fermenting my own kimchi in the office fridge and seeing how long it takes before a mutiny occurs. DELICIOUS DELICIOUS MUTINY.

@werewolfbarmitzvah MUTINY. LOTS OF IT. Immediately. Seriously, I wouldn't do this, it could have horrible results.

melis

Can you move your kimchi jar please? It's really aggressive right now, and that's interfering with the development of my kombucha culture.

Xanthophyllippa

@melis Also, it makes my friendship muffin starter unhappy.

bonnbee

"Office mate, please tell me ALL about your upcoming wedding! I just love hearing about the three pairs of fake diamond earrings you bought at Claire's during your lunch break! Show me them again! Can you log onto David's Bridal again and show me another picture of your nondescript strapless white dress that doesn't fit you? OH EM GEE, seating arrangement and bridesmaid drammmmma! More about your sister in law! More! MORE!"

M'fly

@bonnbee "Yes! I would love to hear your rant (again) about the exorbitant cost of your destination wedding that your in laws are paying for, and how frustrating it is that some people haven't RSVP'd yet, I mean you only have TEN MONTHS AND SEVEN DAYS before YOUR SPECIAL DAY, right?"

carogriffin

That whole "I can only please one person at a time. Today isn't your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either" thing makes me irrational with rage every time I see it on someone's t-shirt or whatever.

@carogriffin I'm actually thinking about getting a gorgeous, pretty sign printed up for the one day in the future when I'm a real lawyer that says "I can only please one person per day. Congratulations, it's your day and tomorrow looks superb!" and hang it next to my diplomas.

contrary

@S. Elizabeth a cross stitched version would be lovely.

atipofthehat

@contrary

Are you suggesting a hairpin-collective etsy shop?

@atipofthehat We would need a few cross-stitched "Clean It With Fire" (TM @melis) pillows.

atipofthehat

@S. Elizabeth

I want a knitted "<3 u" bleach cosy.

@atipofthehat I want a makeup trunk with a simple cursive "More Wine."

Myrtle

@S. Elizabeth Written in perfectly done cateye eyeliner.

shawbaby

My office kitchen actually does have a communal half and half container! Also, currently, a tin of old bags of Starbucks coffee that says, "Did you know if you return one of these to Starbucks they give you free coffee?" and a sign that says "Sometimes courage is that small voice at the end of the day that says, 'I will try again tomorrow.'"

Did I mention my office is awesome?

breccia

ha ha ha ha you guys.
every time someone complains about their office/office kitchen i get this warm feeling deep in my bowels that is both a smug sense that "my stories are grosser than yours," and a signal that my insides are about to dissolve into a fine slurry.

So there is this contractor who works in my building complex, right? Well, sometimes he brings raw fish to work. Whole fish. Whole, raw fish. Or raw chicken! For lunch, he'll toss the carcass of a recently-caught fish into one of our microwaves, press cook, and wander away. It's actually pretty convenient, because he probably doesn't need to listen for the ding to know when it's done. Trust me; the smell will permeate every square microgram of airspace in our building.

He's been banned from doing this, but that doesn't stop him. Now he just sprays industrial strength bathroom sanitizer in the air for literally 90 straight seconds after cooking so that "no one will know." Of course, this doesn't actually kill the scent, but rather gives it a hospitalized fish tastesmell that invades your sinuses for days.

Oh and also sometimes he will eat his debatably-cooked meal while meandering through the hallways, dropping bones and fat on the ground as he goes.

Ophelia

@breccia You need to get revenge. I don't think it would be out of line to stuff his fish with something truly disgusting while it's in the fridge waiting for lunch time.

Valley Girl

@breccia Office Grossness: We recently figured out that our company has never bothered with any kind of cleaning schedule for the water coolers. I've said it here before: I'm convinced it's going to give me Legionnaire's Disease.

Hellcat

@breccia DROPPING BONES!

We had a guy here once who brought in a whole lobster and proceeded to bash it to hell in the kitchen with a hammer.

Ophelia

@Hellcat @breccia Get Rid of Those Men, Seriously, They Are Disgusting.

kayjay

@breccia That is the grossest thing I've heard today. And I've heard A LOT of gross shit today.

area@twitter

@breccia You win. Holy shit.

Hellcat

@Ophelia Ours is gone; he's the same guy that used to mock me for living in NJ instead of NY... despite the facts that our office is in NJ and that he shared a tiny place with four roommates while I have mine all to myself.

atipofthehat

@Hellcat

Ah, the NJ office.

bangs
bangs

@breccia I've worked with many guys who bring sardines or kippers for lunch and insist on draining them in the communal sink. Whyyyyyyy

Hellcat

@atipofthehat ARE YOU HIM? Tell me, do you wear a cravat and smoke a cigarette between your middle and ring fingers instead of index and middle?

Betsy Murgatroyd

@Hellcat After laughing until tears fell, I realized he sounded like a missing character from A Confederacy of Dunces. And then I laughed some more.

Hellcat

@Betsy Murgatroyd He also came bursting into the office one day and YELLED, "Does anyone have any Neil Diamond on their iTunes?!" like it was an emergency. Lucky for him, I (the Jersey-dwelling philistine) was able to help.

atipofthehat

@Hellcat

Where in NJ is your office?

Hellcat

@atipofthehat Morris County. Why? Would like to come meet me for a lobster lunch?

atipofthehat

@Hellcat

Ha, I'm at work in the same.

WAIT. WHAT IF THE COMMENTS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE?????

Hellcat

@atipofthehat Don't worry -- it was just the wind! I'll go down to the basement and check...

atipofthehat

@Hellcat

Don't get Parsnippety with me!

Hellcat

@atipofthehat Oooh, now yer freakin' me out!

atipofthehat

@Hellcat

Don't go too fast. Interpace yourself.

Barry Grant

@Betsy Murgatroyd
Heavens to ...

fondue with cheddar

Taffeta, darling.

Dancercise

@jen325
Taffeta, sweetheart.

SarahP

"Don't bother to wash your dishes! Just leave them right in the sink; someone else will do them for you!"

wee_ramekin

I feel like such an idiot. I was reading the titular "signs" as "hints/clues" instead of actual signs made of paper. So, the entire time I was reading this post, I was like "So...wait. Why would these things not enable me to read on my lunch break in my office's communal kitchen?".

Idiot.

melis

YOU IDIOT

GET OUT OF HERE, IDIOT

CAN'T YOU SEE WE DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE????

wee_ramekin

*wails, leaves communal office kitchen clutching book to chest*

Ophelia

@wee_ramekin It's ok, the first time I read the title, I thought it was going to be about illiteracy. You! You will NEVER read in this kitchen! Hooked on Phonics will NOT work for you!

atipofthehat

@Ophelia

If you can spell "sock," you can learn Spanish, because that's what it is.

LastMinuteLulu

Aaaaaaaaaaand hung in my office kitchen. Done.

lawyergay

"Don't bother with the dishes. Your mother DOES work here! (Hi sweetie! I just started today and wanted to surprise you!!!)"

"You don't have to be crazy to work here, but I'm pretty sure Carl from accounting--mustache Carl, not bike helmet Carl--is bipolar type 2."

"Please cover your genitals with this lead apron when using the microwave."

    radiofutura

You'd never think you'd find this sign in your office's kitchen:"Free Painkillers!" And then you do! http://donotfind.tumblr.com/post/4389974346/found-in-the-office-by-the-coffee-machine For the record, I did not take any.

zidaane

These blood bags are for me in case I get light headed. The leaking will stop after it coagulates a bit.

Verity

To be fair, saag paneer is great.

FickleMoon

Ours has a sign saying 'If you can read this, you have time to empty the dishwasher!' which has been defaced heavily, a sign saying 'At the discretion of the management' with a pistol shape, a voting list about the presence of Cadburys chocolate spread ("it's no Nutella"), a sign on a box saying 'This is a box. Do not question the box. It just is.' and a photo of a woman being chased by ostriches.

Thanks advertising!

Nutmeg

I once bought a single bottle of ketchup to be "house" ketchup, because nobody uses enough ketchup to need their own bottle, right? I told my roommates I had bought ketchup everyone could use because I just need ketchup approx. 4x a year when I have leftover fries.

Everyone bought their own bottle of ketchup (and continued to complain about lack of fridge space)

happymisanthrope

@Nutmeg In my refrigerator at home we have three different types of butter, two half empty bottles of olive oil, three cartons of eggs, three types of coffee. the redundancy kills me, except for the coffee b/c i buy good stuff, one buys maxwell house and the other something from trader joes that the other roommate and i hate.

b4nt4

“I’ve made myself the unofficial kitchen manager, because it’s profoundly rewarding and challenges me both mentally and sexually.” That is definitely me, although I've made myself the UKM (as I call myself) because someone needs to eradicate the rotten odors once a month (and it challenges me sexually).

bowerbird

My boyfriend's workplace is bizarre for a number of reason, perhaps chief among them is that they actually need their passive-agressive-community-kitchen "No Live Crabs in the Toaster Oven, Please" sign.

atipofthehat

@bowerbird

This is also a teeshirt I would purchase.

Stella Sally@facebook

Happy New Year!
Have you ever felt life is lonely and sometimes even boring? You may need a fresh thing to excite your mind. My best friend ,he met a cutest girl and they love each other! they date via online dating ---casualloving dot c'0m---it's the most effective place in the world to connect with, to find intimate encounters.There you may easily have free contact with charming girls or handsome men....Hope you like it!Good luck!

Anji

On the flip side, here's a passive-aggressive note someone posted in the small break room at my office (we have a small galley-kitchen break room and a large break room with tables and chairs):

"PLEASE NO FISH
or other stinky food! We have to work 10 feet from this microwave! Be kind and use the other ones for STINKY MEALS! Thanks!"

Everyone who saw it made the remark that they were going to bring in the most offensive meal possible on the next day.

MrsLlama

We also have the communal, company-purchased milk and half/half, which is awesome. Morale-booster!

There is a sign on the fridge that reads "Milk and half/half are for your use- for coffee, tea and cereal ONLY!"

Liiiike...what egregious uses of milk are they worried about? This bothers me. No one is going to use up all the milk making bechamel sauces up in the toaster oven, y'all. We know how to use milk responsibly.

happymisanthrope

@MrsLlama Some of us actually do drink milk.

Myrtle

I need to know more about Bonnie.

jane lane

There is honestly a note that says "please do not clean the microwave" in my office. It's the cleanest microwave I've seen in an office ever. I do not understand.

Jak Down

This is a terrific article, and I would like more information if you have any. I am fascinated with this topic and your post has been one of the best I have read Hack a Facebook password

1590152335@twitter

This is very interesting post actually. I really like what the author said. Thank you very much indeed. I have read and would like to share this post to everyone. Thanks. Hack a Facebook Account

1590152335@twitter

Very awesome post actually. I have never read such interesting post before. Thanks for sharing very informative information. I really like this post. Highly recommend to everyone. I am also looking forward to the next post. Thank you. Hack Facebook Account Passwords

1590152335@twitter

Really rarely do I encounter a blog that’s each educative and entertaining, and let me inform you, you will have hit the nail on the head. I’m impressed with this post. It’s absolutely incredible. This post is so great and useful info actually. I really enjoy it. Thanks for sharing a great article. I have read and shared to all my friends. Thank you again. How to hack Facebook account

linkaccu

We have to work 10 feet from this microwave! Be kind and use the other ones for STINKY MEALS! Thanks!" quality roofing nj

linkaccu

I can only please one person per day. Today is your day. Today is your day. Name your desires and I will dismantle my own body to realize them. Wonga Promo Code 2013

1590152335@twitter

Brilliant! This post is so fantastic. Highly appreciate the author's job! shqip radio

1590152335@twitter

Brilliant! This post is so fantastic. Highly appreciate the author's job! shqip radio

bill.marks

I really like what the author said. Thank you very much indeed. I have read and would like to share this trailer tent

Cold Comet@facebook

No need to keep calling around to sell your junk car, we answer the phone, if we can't, we call you right back! cash for clunkers

John G. Knapp@facebook

Make sure you take your license plate off your junk car, because people use plates to drive cars around illegally. junkyard

Terrel Watkins@facebook

Thanks to affiliate2day I have a job now because I have found an ideal partner. The team of affiliate2day is a professional one. I highly appreciate their quick support with real solutions and understanding. pay per lead affiliate programs

Post a Comment

You must be logged-in to post a comment.

Login To Your Account