The best part about being a middle child is every lesson your older brother teaches you, you can teach to your younger brother and he’ll think you came up with it on your own.
I try to teach my younger brother how to be a better person than I am, but what ultimately happens is we end up fighting in the front yard on Christmas morning.
These past few years have been hard. He’s a 14-year-old boy, and that’s not an easy age for either gender. Lately, he's come to me with actual problems that have emotional weight to them. His biggest issue is love. He has a girlfriend he loves, and it’s scary because he's figuring out the complexity of a serious relationship at a young age. This leads to him feeling overwhelmed, which leads to him calling me saying he's miserable.
Now, generally, when it comes to being a person, I try to just copy people who seem like they're doing it right. I remembered what my older brother told me once when I told him I wanted to go to this high school film camp in California (from Pittsburgh — home of the Steelers and a river known for its high density of broken condoms). He told me to run away to LA. So I bought a plane ticket with everyone-else’s-but-mine money, and had the best summer of my life.
“Maybe you should just run away,” I told my younger brother over the phone. I was in my car, so I had him on speaker. I’m a safe driver when it comes to cell phones, but not stop signs.
“Why?”
“Because…” I had no reason. I thought he’d instantly pick up on the romanticism of just running away. But 14-year-olds don’t understand romanticism because they haven’t watched Woody Allen films yet.
“Okay.” He cut me off.
I had a moment of pride. It reminded me of when I was going to the film camp and how I watched the Burbank airport through the windows of the plane, thinking Burbank was exotic.
“I’m running away.” He said very certainly.
“I’m giving you a 48-hour start, and then I’ll tell Mom and Dad you ran away.”
“Sounds good.”
I told him I was proud of his independence and hung up. I walked back to my desk. Sat down. And then almost swallowed my tongue. I had just told my 14-year-old brother to run away from home. He’s not six. He’s not going to go hide behind a mailbox for 20 minutes then go home and eat Skittles. He’s going to get on a bus or hitchhike to Philadelphia. What’s he going to do in Philadelphia? He knows nothing about their culture!
I grabbed my phone, but it had run out of battery. At the time I owned a Blackberry Storm, which is a great phone if you love not being able to reach people on a chunk of plastic that gets so hot it burns your ear.
My imagination — or what was left of it after I spent that afternoon cleaning my bathroom with Clorox — was racing. My younger brother was truly a rebel without a cause, and that leads to motorcycle accidents. I paced around my room wondering what I would tell my parents if he ended up in one of those cults where they drink punch and stab college students at grocery stores.
I started writing a letter to my parents explaining to them how I ruined their youngest and hottest son’s life by telling him to run away. It started off with me telling them that you can love someone even if they’re no longer with you. I realized that sounded like a suicide letter, and decided to go get a coffee instead.
I nervously paced around the Starbucks, just waiting for my phone to charge enough so I could call him back. I looked at the man sitting down at the table. He had an iPhone. That’s a superior device!
I came back to my apartment only to see that my battery had melted a little bit.
All night I paced around.
I finally made it to a Verizon store the next day and had my battery switched out (I should have just bought a new phone, but there was no time. Though, I did have enough time to buy a sweet Reptar-theme phone case).
I called my brother.
No answer.
I almost called home. Then I realized how much pain they’d be in if they knew he ran away. I also realized how much trouble I’d be in for telling him to run away. I needed them to not be mad at me since I wanted to see if they could pay for my internet bill next month.
I didn't hear anything for two days (?!). (I'm sorry — I wish I had a better explanation for this part of the story.)
By this time my imagination had told me that my younger brother was eaten by a black bear and my parents were killed while looking for his body by a bunch of hunters who got their dark/furry jackets confused with a black bear.
I was face-plant passed out on the ground from nerves when my phone went off. It was a Facebook alert.
Hey jared. Remember when spongebob cried about finding that rock?
From my little brother.
I Facebook chatted him.
Where the hell have you been?! I’ve been looking for you! Why haven’t you called back?!
I told Dad he was retarded after you called me, and now I’m grounded without a phone.
He wasn’t a rebel. He was just a dumb kid who gave up his fight against the man because he was grounded with no phone.
There was this time when he was four and I was 12. We were outside my grandparents house and he said something that really annoyed me, so I pushed his head so hard it would smack off the brick house. I did the same thing right then, but only to my computer monitor. I pretended it was his head. Now my monitor has a blue dot in the center of the screen that won’t go away.
Now anytime my younger brother calls me for advice, I just tell him to call my older brother and hang up. I’ve decided the best part of being a middle child is giving the oldest brother all the responsibility.
Jared Nigro is a writer and performs at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater. He also secretly wants to move to New Orleans and play saxophone with a Rag Time Jazz Band. Follow him on Twitter.
Photo by Tony Campbell, via Shutterstock.
I have five older siblings. I don't think I've ever gone to one of them for advice. I don't REMEMBER but I heard about the time when ALL OF THEM got together and created this great plan to put me down the laundry chute.
@Marzipan Did they manage to do it?? Say no! Because when I was a kid I put myself down the (unfinished, raw-edged) laundry chute, thinking it would be fun. Like a slide. I was skinned alive.
@mpdg Oh my gosh, yikes! That sounds horrible! How old were you? Did you need stictches?
No, to their credit, they didn't get found out or anything, they just finally thought, "Hmm this seems like a foolproof, totally fun thing to do, still, this doesn't feel right? Maybe we shouldn't?"
Hilarious and adorable!
@Sierra Agreed! Also, very well written. This is easily one of the better things I've read lately.
(Ack, sorry for the deleted comment...I couldn't edit it for some reason... :-/ )
One time I told my brother he was being a non-stop whiney a-hole, and then he told my dad he was willing to go to therapy. I was praised like an angel sent from God. Sometimes tough love is the answer?
@districter I think this is why parents sometimes turn to their other children and ask for their help with one who's struggling. We tend to listen to our peers/siblings more than our parents.
My older sister's best advice to me: "Honey, you're special, but you're not that special."
She did tell me to run away, too, but she was 9 and I was 7 I was annoying her, so I didn't take that particular piece of advice.
@Bebe I don't think I ever told my 2-years-younger sister to run away. But that's probably because she always had a bit of a persecution complex and probably would have done it.
@@serenityfound You know, I did actually run away pretty frequently at that age - I never got farther than the end of the driveway, since I wasn't allowed to cross the street by myself, but that didn't stop me from packing my Winnie the Pooh suitcase and sitting on the curb pouting. My mother's strategy was to ignore me and wait until I got hungry enough to come inside, while my sister always came out and brought me snack. I used to think she was being sweet.... but maybe she was trying to fortify me so I'd really leave!
@Bebe I used to run away all the time, but couldn't cross the two busy roads at either end of our road. I'd just sit under a particular tree a few houses down until my mother send my brother to get me.
@MilesofMountains Does sleepwalking and putting on your shoes next to the front door/trying to undo the lock/looking for the dormitory door that led out into the woods at science camp count as trying to run away? Because, if so, I tried to "run away" several times as a child...
The best/worst part of being the oldest is giving out tons of advice on shit you have no experience with, then watching the next youngest sibling refine and revise that advice and pass it on to the next youngest one.
...also, I have a sister who is 10 years younger than I am. It is a crazy situation when you are in your mid-twenties dealing with mid-twenties things then have to suddenly thrust your head back into the world of teens!
@@serenityfound My youngest brother is eleven years younger. It's crazy! (Also crazy was when I was a teenager and people would assume he was my son, but that's another story.)
@@serenityfound my kid sister is not only ten years younger but is also somehow an entirely different human being than anyone else in the family. It's hard relating to her.
@@serenityfound My sister is 7 years younger. She's just turned 21 and now has regular adult problems, albeit much more interesting ones than I ever had. It's a relief to be living in the same world again, though.
@MerelyGoodExpectations For serious. I was still in the "looks 5 years older than she is" stage of my life when she was a bitty one, so that happened all the time. When she was born, I also had a really unfortunate hair cut that made me look like an ugly boy (it wouldn't have been so bad if it just made me look like a boy). What weird and contradictory messages to be getting when you're discovering & internalizing your "place" in the world...
@hopelessshade My brother is like that, too. I love him but seriously where did he come from?!
@MerelyGoodExpectations My sisters are 16 and 19 years older than me, respectively. It's more like having cool youngish aunts than sisters.
@@serenityfound Not only did people think my brother (11 year younger, only other blond in the family) was my son, they then sometimes extrapolated that I was married to my dad. Weird. Although I think it upset dad alot more than it upset me. And got me served alcohol in restaurants more than once when I was in HS.
@@serenityfound my 3-year-old sister is 21 years younger than I am. My 26-year-old brother and I have been mistaken for her parents and it feels all kinds of weird.
As the youngest of three, I've learned to be deeply mistrustful of all advice given from older siblings because mostly they think it's hilarious to hurt and/or embarrass you. Because putting makeup on a six year old, telling her how pretty she's going to look when they're done, then said six year old discovers that she looks more like a prostitute than a princess, is apparently totally amusing and not a betrayal of trust or humiliating or anything. #totesnotbitter #thisincidentisrepresentativeofallinteractionswithmybitchysisters
@ilikemints No matter what your older sister says, vegamite is NOT chocolate, and don't eat it, even if she puts it on a Ritz cracker! She is LYING. (not that I fell for that of course - my friend, uh, Schmeebee did though).
@ilikemints I put hot pink rouge all over my younger brother's face once, and my mom got pissed. I didn't understand why, though, because he didn't mind.
well this just reinforces my feelings of superiority as an oldest child.
@redheadedandcrazy Please. I am an ONLY child. I am first and last, beginning and end, the extreme and the middle. Praise me and sing, for I contain multitudes.
@miwome Ed. note: The above is the sole opinion of an anonymous only child, and not that of the commenter. Said anonymous child is being treated for narcissism and megalomania.
@miwome Yeap, "Praise me and sing" really does summarize the multitudes of only children!
@miwome go whole hog and proclaim yourself to be the alpha and the omega!
@boysplz I sort of did, when I said I was the beginning and the end. QUESTION NOT the complete and perfect Nature of My Word, for I am All and All is within Me.
@redheadedandcrazy I totally set myself up for this, but I actually am an only child, and I swear we are not all like this! Really. But I am having too much fun writing from the Godhead Chair to properly make the case right now. Um, I mean, Though Ye know me, yet Ye mortals know Me not; and it is not for Ye to judge: for only I, in my glorious Multitudes, sit in holy and eternal judgment. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
@miwome I was an only child for 7 years and it was the BEST. Stupid sister, being born and shit.
"I told Dad he was retarded after you called me, and now I’m grounded without a phone."
This mad me laugh out loud, like, a lot. I stopped using words like "retarded" and "gay" a long time ago, but hearing/reading 14 year olds speak that way is so, so funny! Why do they all talk like that? Why did I talk like that? Who was I trying to impress by being generally awful? I love/hate 14 year olds for being terrible. They know no other way to be.
@Katie Scarlett I read that and went, "OF COURSE YOU DID" out loud, to the screen. I mean ... 14 year olds, they're awful! I hope they never change.
@Katie Scarlett: Right? That was one of the best parts of this (and there were a lot of 'em!).
@Katie Scarlett: My husband is a high school teacher, and he has no solution for the 14-year-old "knucklehead" boys except to take deep breaths and hope they make it alive to 15.
Hah! I'm the oldest of five, which means my youngest brother gets four times the suspect advice from older siblings. Plus, he's totally terrible at not getting caught. Look: when I tell you to get a tattoo someplace Mom and Dad can't see it that DOESN'T MEAN YOUR FOREARM. And if you try and date two girls at the same time who are friends on Facebook, that probably means they know each other, yes, EVEN IF THEY GO TO DIFFERENT SCHOOLS. Crazy world.
@MerelyGoodExpectations Why are youngest siblings so bad at hiding things?? My youngest brother left his pot grinder in the shower! Protip, kid: our parents grew up in the 70's, yes, they are totally going to recognize one of those. Why was it in the shower in the first place?! Also, if you're going to smoke week behind the movie theatre, a foot and a half long bong is only going to tip off the police.
@MilesofMountains Ha, that reminds me of the time my youngest brother thought it would be a good idea to smoke up in the guest bathroom in our house. The guest bathroom was an interior room with no windows or ventilation of any kind, so of course when my parents got home from work, the entire house reeked of pot.......
@MilesofMountains Yes! I especially love the bong-behind-the-movie-theater, because really: no one had rolling papers? a pipe? the ability to fashion one out of an apple/soda can/fast food wrapper? THINK people!
@MerelyGoodExpectations Kids these days! Where's the ingenuity and craftiness? I blame the schools. My younger brother had far fewer restrictions and still got caught way more than me. He even got busted for a six pack that I hid in the bathroom (4 years after the fact). I really worry for the future.
@Texian And isn't it THE WORST that the younger siblings always get to grow up w/ fewer rules? When I confronted my mom about it, she just shrugged and was like, "Eh, once you see the first child hasn't been completely ruined, you're able to relax a bit." I tried to argue that YES, having to wait until 16 to get my ears pierced (my sister got hers at 12) had, in fact, ruined my life, but she did not believe me.
@D.@twitter so true. Somehow our sticking to curfews and all of that jazz allows our parents that their kids can be trusted but instead of that benefitting us it's the younger siblings that rejoice.
I only have one younger brother, and I didn't really impart much wisdom to him, nor did he ask for it. But what I want to know is WHY IS THERE NO ALT TEXT ON THE CUTE LITTLE BEAR CUB? LOOK AT HIS EARNEST FACE AND JAUNTY GAIT!
@jen325 Yeah, I'm trying to recall a single instance in which either of my younger sisters asked me for advice. I often give it but it's not really appreciated, and find myself asking them for advice way more frequently.
I don't value important relationships because I've been hiding from them for so long. I think money will fix my problems going forward.
"Adam, it's five thousand dollars. That's all there is."
My baby bro is 7 years younger than me and I think my parents have just like...given up? They just want to be empty nesters? I want to be like, "hey, little bro, why are you such a huge asshole to our parents all the time? You get everything you want and have never had to work a day in your life and you live at home for free?" and he's like, "exactly."
So I guess the ones who need the lecture are our parents. ("Tough love guys! He treats you like shit because you let him, and you always have, and you are lazy.") I know, I know - it's so easy to be a parent when you're not actually a parent.
@tortietabbie Are you my sister? Bcause you are totally talking about my brother...
@tortietabbie My little brother is 6 years younger than I, and when he was in high school my parents used to actually call me for advice when he got into trouble. My favorite time was when he was 15 and my mom found his bowl in his room. She called me almost hysterical, telling me she found something and she wasn't sure what it was, but she thought it could be used to smoke crack.
Mom: You have to come over here and smell this, and see if it smells like crack!
Me: I don't know what crack smells like!!!!!
Mom: Well, I really think it looks like a crack pipe.
Me: Check around the house. Do you still have all your major appliances and electronics? Yes? OK, he is probably not smoking crack. He probably is just smoking pot. He's 15 and doesn't have a job, where would he get the money to buy crack????
@tortietabbie Fortunately my brother has turned out remarkable well given the circumstances (messy divorce, death of parent, slightly crazy other parent) but yes, I think my mother has just run out of steam. He's parented so much more laxly than I was, like mom just doesn't have the energy any more. It's a pain to watch, especially when she calls and complain that he doesn't listen to her.
I hate being older because I necessarily HAVE to be more responsible, whereas my brother gets to smoke cigarettes and get expelled ("asked to leave"??? wtf private school) and drop out of college and get a DUI and work at Jimmy John's and live with his girlfriend. If I had even THOUGHT about doing one of those things I would have had my thumbs chopped off.
Granted, I never particularly WANTED to do any of those things (except live with my boyfriend, which was World War 3 when I actually did it) but still geeeeeezzzzz.
@Alli525 I feel your pain. I had to draw up a spreadsheet (A SPREADSHEET) when I told my parents I wanted to move off campus after my freshman year, even though I WAS PAYING FOR IT. In the meantime, my little brother was knocking up his girlfriend. (Who is now my lovey sister-in-law, and my nephew is amazing, but still...SPREADSHEET.)
I'm the oldest of three and because my youngest brother is 8 years younger, sometimes, it felt like he was from a different planet during his teens because I was dealing with torrid twenties drama and he was a teenage boy which I don't fully understand. He gets all kinds of advice from me and our brother and actually listens to most of it which is great. The funniest thing though is that he is SUPER secretive and sly. He learned the best tricks my brother and I had to offer, improved upon them and is a stealth ninja--totally got over on our parents in the funniest ways because by that time, they were just tired.
My youngest brother is 17 years younger than me. By the time he hits 14 I'll be in my early 30s. I imagine (if things work out they way I think they will!)I'll be married and starting a family of my own at that time. I don't want to have to deal with crazy teenage crap! I'd pawn off the duties to our middle brother, but there's only a 14 year age difference between those two and I don't trust the middle one to give sound advice. I'm never going to escape teenage ridiculousness.
Wait Wait WAIT. How has no one brought up the sweet Reptar phone case?!
Reptar like Rugrats Reptar?
Reptar like gigantic Godzilla takeoff RepTAAAAAAAR?
Please tell me this is true.
@catsuperhero Yeah, I'm still stuck on that. Reptaaaaaaaaar!
@catsuperhero OMG I remember getting real excited by this part in the story but by the time I finished there were so many other memorable parts that I totally forgot about the Reptar phone case.
Dinosaur! Dinosaur!
Ancient enemy of man!
You will paaaaaay
For you destructive tendencies!
You will paaaaay
Dinosaur!
I'm 26 and my youngest brothers are 4 and 6. My daughter is 3. So when they're all teenagers, my brothers will think I am old and lame and go to our pothead brother for terrible advice...which they will then pass along to my daughter...annnnnd now I'm Googling all-girl boarding schools.
I'm the eldest of four (29, 26, 23, 17) and realizing I get called more for advice than our mother was kind of scary. Like, who made me the adult? But then I realize I usually know the answers, which makes me feel even more scarily old. Except for sex advice. That all goes to the middle sister. The youngest, who's the only boy, just gets tons of unsolicited advice, much of it probably totally age-inappropriate. Sometimes we forget that he's not a 20 something woman, and also not dating 20 somethings, so there's stuff he probably doesn't need to know yet/ doesn't want to hear. Eh. Builds character.
One time my brother, in his writing-on-the-wall phase, started writing his name, like, huge, as tall as he could go, and realized, after writing 'BE' that it might be slightly incriminating to write his name, and finished with, instead of, as-planned, an N, a MUCH smaller 'th'.
My sister, 4 years older and decidedly NOT in her writing-on-the-wall phase was (and remains) outraged that my parents fell for this, which, they totally did until the full story came out much later.
YES MIDDLE CHILDREN!! I am a fellow Forgotten Child, Child Who Doesn't Matter As Much, etc.
I have a 15yr old younger sister and an older sister and omg I had to stop trying to give her advice, because she never followed it but instead proceeded to do as I DID not as I SAID. Monkey see monkey do!
I wholeheartedly endorse shifting them off to the older sibling. They're less neurotic and more prepared to face the consequences of telling them to run away.
Plus your parents wont blame him/her because they love him/her more because he/she was always their favorite anyway.
My half-brother is 11 years older than me, and he is the BEST. He's given me some terrific advice(How to deal with college! How to deal with Dad!), even when it entailed thinking back to what matters to a 15-year-old when you're 26.
Now I'm old enough that I can offer support too ("Hey, remember when you told me that Dad can sometimes be an asshat? This is one of those times. It's not you."), which is exciting and happy-making.
Top tip, though: avoid telling "your mom" jokes, however innocent, to a half-sibling with whom you share a dad. It does NOT land well. (He forgave me, obvs.)