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Reading Between the Texts: There’s Been Some Kind of Mistake

The Texts

Him: So did we make out last Friday?
C: Uhhh, hahaha … uh, yes.
Him: Okay, I just wanted to let you know that I’m just not looking for anything right now.
C: Me neither. We’re on the same page so don’t worry about it.
Him: Well, I mean, you’re a very attractive woman but I’m just so busy now that it would be hard.

The Analysis

K: Is this the hot mean neighbor, or the Swedish guy you can’t understand, or the DJ-slash-waiter?
C: None of the above. It’s this annoying guy from class who starts every sentence with “Actually.”
K: What’s wrong with you?
C: I don’t know. He just kept looking at me that night so I was like, ugh, fine.
K: So you’re trying to tell me that you’re okay? Because I think he and I agree that you seem pretty devastated.
C: I’m not!!! Like, imagine if vaginas had their own little mouths, and that little mouth threw up. That’s how I feel when I think about having sex with him.
K: Look, I know you’re hurting. But you’re a very attractive woman. You’ll be okay.
C: Maybe I could win him back if I Say Anything him.
K: Maybe you could get him back if you wear a pregnancy prosthesis and run into class and scream “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT.”
C: WAIT. His Facebook says he is in a fucking relationship!! Already?
K: Hahaha. Another one bites the dust.
C: I mean, I don’t want to date him and I don’t want him to want to date me, but I also don’t want him to want to date anyone else, or ever be happy.


The Text

Him: We’re not Facebook friends anymore?? I’m really sorry, I really owe you an apology. I hope sometime I can see you and say sorry in person.

The Analysis

K: I’ve never heard of this person.
J: Me either practically! We literally dated for one week three years ago.
K: What is he apologizing for??
J: I DON’T KNOW!!! I feel like he thinks that because I defriended him I must be grieving our lost relationship.
K: Ugh, he probably does. Some people don’t take that defriending shit lying down.
J: Then there needs to be a “reason” box that pops up for defriending. And you’d have to explain, like, “This is an ex that I hope gets buried in the desert like Aladdin, only he doesn’t ever get out,” or whatever. And then Facebook takes any contact information you two had for each other away.
K: That seems a little Big Brother-y.
J: Yeah, but I feel like maybe Facebook could make better decisions for me than I could, at this point. I mean, I f-ing texted Elevator Guy the other day.
K: Was that the guy who tried to like, run away from you inside an elevator?
J: Obviously. It’s like you just enjoy saying that out loud.
K: And isn’t he also the one who traced your lips with his tongue?
J: I mean. It’s just hard to remember if that was real or if it was a nightmare I had.
K: Okay well when you get home tomorrow to your family and Mark Zuckerberg and I waiting solemnly for you in the kitchen, you’ll know why.

The Text

Him: I’ve just really been wanting to kiss you.

The Analysis

K: I just keep staring at my phone, waiting for it to explain. I’m having déjà vu.
R: This is the best day of my life.
K: I mean, he literally used that line on you too, two weeks ago!!! Right?
R: Yes. Those were the exact same words and everything.
K: What if he’s got a system where he mass-texts girls just to see who responds???
R: Ahhh! He probably doesn’t know we’re friends who could corroborate evidence, so this is an unforeseen glitch in the operating system!
R: HE IS. He, like, comes to your door asking to kiss you and is also like, “Pills to enlarge your organ. Fifty percent off.”
K: Or like, “We can kiss, and then I can give you the insight into your mystical fortune. The stars are waiting.”
R: I can’t believe this. I don’t know why he thinks this would work.
K: Are you serious? It worked on you, like five seconds ago basically.
R: Oh yeah. Well, I don’t know. I just didn’t really have anything to do that day. And also he gave me flowers.
R: You’re mad that I got flowers and you didn’t, aren’t you.

The Text

Him: Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we dated.

The Analysis

K: Oh that’s funny, because sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I snuck into his house and filled his mouth with caterpillar cocoons while he slept.
E: What???
K: I don’t know, it was the worst thing I could think of at that moment. Agaagghh it’s making me feel sick, kind of.
E: I just hate him. And love him. It’s like he knows exactly what to say to make me furious. But in a hot way.
K: Yes. Angry and aroused. “Angaroused.” Haha.
E: Also, what about that time when I was actually trying to date him? Because he didn’t seem all that interested in finding out what would happen then!
K: I feel like boys do this a lot. I mean, honestly. Get a different hobby.
E: Seriously. Like, what, you like me a lot more now that we never see each other in person and barely ever speak?
K: I find that’s when I’m at my most appealing as well.
E: What should I say back?
K: Just write “MURDER,” and then one minute later send a wink face.

Previously: “She isn’t EVIL. She’s just, like, mildly horrible. Mildly to moderately.”

Katie Heaney lives in Minneapolis and writes the most beautiful goddamn text messages that the world has ever not responded to.


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