Him: So did we make out last Friday?
C: Uhhh, hahaha … uh, yes.
Him: Okay, I just wanted to let you know that I’m just not looking for anything right now.
C: Me neither. We’re on the same page so don’t worry about it.
Him: Well, I mean, you’re a very attractive woman but I’m just so busy now that it would be hard.
K: Is this the hot mean neighbor, or the Swedish guy you can’t understand, or the DJ-slash-waiter?
C: None of the above. It’s this annoying guy from class who starts every sentence with “Actually.”
K: What’s wrong with you?
C: I don’t know. He just kept looking at me that night so I was like, ugh, fine.
K: So you’re trying to tell me that you’re okay? Because I think he and I agree that you seem pretty devastated.
C: I’m not!!! Like, imagine if vaginas had their own little mouths, and that little mouth threw up. That’s how I feel when I think about having sex with him.
K: Look, I know you’re hurting. But you’re a very attractive woman. You’ll be okay.
C: Maybe I could win him back if I Say Anything him.
K: Maybe you could get him back if you wear a pregnancy prosthesis and run into class and scream “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT.”
C: WAIT. His Facebook says he is in a fucking relationship!! Already?
K: Hahaha. Another one bites the dust.
C: I mean, I don’t want to date him and I don’t want him to want to date me, but I also don’t want him to want to date anyone else, or ever be happy.
Him: We’re not Facebook friends anymore?? I’m really sorry, I really owe you an apology. I hope sometime I can see you and say sorry in person.
K: I’ve never heard of this person.
J: Me either practically! We literally dated for one week three years ago.
K: What is he apologizing for??
J: I DON’T KNOW!!! I feel like he thinks that because I defriended him I must be grieving our lost relationship.
K: Ugh, he probably does. Some people don’t take that defriending shit lying down.
J: Then there needs to be a “reason” box that pops up for defriending. And you’d have to explain, like, “This is an ex that I hope gets buried in the desert like Aladdin, only he doesn’t ever get out,” or whatever. And then Facebook takes any contact information you two had for each other away.
K: That seems a little Big Brother-y.
J: Yeah, but I feel like maybe Facebook could make better decisions for me than I could, at this point. I mean, I f-ing texted Elevator Guy the other day.
K: Was that the guy who tried to like, run away from you inside an elevator?
J: Obviously. It’s like you just enjoy saying that out loud.
K: And isn’t he also the one who traced your lips with his tongue?
J: I mean. It’s just hard to remember if that was real or if it was a nightmare I had.
K: Okay well when you get home tomorrow to your family and Mark Zuckerberg and I waiting solemnly for you in the kitchen, you’ll know why.
Him: I’ve just really been wanting to kiss you.
K: I just keep staring at my phone, waiting for it to explain. I’m having déjà vu.
R: This is the best day of my life.
K: I mean, he literally used that line on you too, two weeks ago!!! Right?
R: Yes. Those were the exact same words and everything.
K: What if he’s got a system where he mass-texts girls just to see who responds???
R: Ahhh! He probably doesn’t know we’re friends who could corroborate evidence, so this is an unforeseen glitch in the operating system!
K: OH MY GOD HE’S HUMAN SPAM.
R: HE IS. He, like, comes to your door asking to kiss you and is also like, “Pills to enlarge your organ. Fifty percent off.”
K: Or like, “We can kiss, and then I can give you the insight into your mystical fortune. The stars are waiting.”
R: I can’t believe this. I don’t know why he thinks this would work.
K: Are you serious? It worked on you, like five seconds ago basically.
R: Oh yeah. Well, I don’t know. I just didn’t really have anything to do that day. And also he gave me flowers.
R: You’re mad that I got flowers and you didn’t, aren’t you.
K: NO IT’S FINE.
Him: Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we dated.
K: Oh that’s funny, because sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I snuck into his house and filled his mouth with caterpillar cocoons while he slept.
K: I don’t know, it was the worst thing I could think of at that moment. Agaagghh it’s making me feel sick, kind of.
E: I just hate him. And love him. It’s like he knows exactly what to say to make me furious. But in a hot way.
K: Yes. Angry and aroused. “Angaroused.” Haha.
E: Also, what about that time when I was actually trying to date him? Because he didn’t seem all that interested in finding out what would happen then!
K: I feel like boys do this a lot. I mean, honestly. Get a different hobby.
E: Seriously. Like, what, you like me a lot more now that we never see each other in person and barely ever speak?
K: I find that’s when I’m at my most appealing as well.
E: What should I say back?
K: Just write “MURDER,” and then one minute later send a wink face.
Katie Heaney lives in Minneapolis and writes the most beautiful goddamn text messages that the world has ever not responded to.