My New Year's resolution! It's to start writing thank-you letters. I don't write thank-you letters because I am a terrible person. And when I think about how I don't write thank-you letters and how that makes me a terrible person, I get this crushing anxiety that totally dissuades me from actually doing anything to change it! (Crushing anxiety would probably be a bit of a melodramatic overstatement, but you know what I'm saying?) So! Do you know any tips for making writing thank-you notes easier/bearable/not just thank-you notes but Christmas cards! By next year, how can I become a person who sends out Christmas cards? I don't know where everybody lives! I don't know where anybody lives! Any suggestions for how I can stop having the worst etiquette?
You can't see this, but I'm raising my eyebrows and looking at you, like, "Girl, just sit down and write thank-you notes!" And make Christmas cards, too, if you want — or maybe do a practice round with select friends at Valentine's Day (Shutterfly is currently having a sale). To get your friends' addresses, send out an email with a BCC list asking everyone where they live. If you then freak out (it sounds like the odds of that happening are perhaps higher than for most?) and don't end up sending anyone anything, it's highly unlikely your friends will be annoyed that you asked for their addresses, and then you'll at least have them for the next go-round. And you're not a terrible person, but you already knew that.
For thank-you cards, it's useful to remember that you could smear mud across a card, and as long as it gets back to the gift-sender (and includes the words "thank" and "you"), you're essentially in the clear. But a good thank-you card usually includes a cheery "thank you so much for the [thing]!" followed by some explanation of how you've been enjoying it, and a quick, personal, non-gift-related message to the sender. For instance: "Thank you so much for this letter to the Hairpin! It's so sweet and nuts, and I love that you thought to send it to us. I hope you send lots of thank-you cards to your loved ones this week."
Also: get pretty stationery! Then the desire to show off your pretty stationery, and the fact that you're a woman who has pretty stationery, will nudge you in the right direction. (Paper Source has lots of lovely sets — so does Etsy.) Get stamps that ... express you? That sounds silly, I know, but sometimes they do, in their way. Nice pens, all of that. It all helps. Pretend like you're a woman in an old book, her skirts tucked beneath her, scribbling away in the flickering candlelight at some pretty, spindle-legged writing desk. Your correspondence.
And for holiday cards, machine-made photo-collages are great ways for people to keep up with one another's growing pets/children/plants/shoe collections, but some of my favorite cards are the simple ones that're just heavy-stock postcards with a handmade print on the front (or a stamp), a hand-written greeting message, and a quick note. "Mini Lady, Best wishes for the new year." It's the prettiest thing on my card "mantle" (windowsill) right now.
A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady?
Photo by Fenton one, via Shutterstock
This is a helpful reminder that I haven't written my thank yous yet.
Thank you, Hairpin/Mini A Lady!
Okay, I'm just going to come right out and say it: I've never received a thank-you card for any gift I've ever given (my friends/family are such savages)...and it absolutely has never crossed my mind that they are complete ingrates unworthy of my time and attention. Is it weird that I'm cool with not getting thank-you cards? Is there something wrong with me? WAIT. Don't answer that last question.
@kayjay It doesn't bother me a lot of the time, because I will end up talking to most people who get gifts from me, and they'll at least verbally confirm receipt. What I hate is when I don't even know if the person got what I sent!
@kayjay my family seemed to miss the "gratitude/thank you" memo too, and I never thought anything of it, really. And I think lots of people don't do it nowadays? But I started doing it this year, and it feels preeetty awesome. no lie. so I think I'm going to make it a Thing I Do now.
@kayjay: But imagine you received a TY note! Wouldn't you remember it forever and be more inclined to do other nice things for that person? I don't think one needs to judge someone for NOT sending thank-yous (though of course I do) - but I can't think of any instance when finding a handwritten note in one's mailbox after a shitty day at work could be anything other than delightful.
@teenie I think it's a thing that especially older generations really expect, whereas younger generations might not but of course it's always a nice gesture.
@kayjay I think I've gotten like three thank-you cards in my life and they were all for gifts given at formal events where the receiver couldn't really thank me in person (two weddings -- one I didn't even attend I just sent a gift -- and a baby shower). The rest of the time I give someone a gift and they're like, thanks dude! and I'm like, you're welcome! and that's the end of it.
I think I'm a crazy person because I kind of dislike getting thank-you notes? Like, I see the hand-addressed not-bill-shaped envelope and I'm like, "OOH SOMETHING INTERESTING!" and then it's just "Thank you for the [thing I probably forgot I gave them], I have been [whatever you would reasonably do with that thing]," and it's kind of a let-down.
@redheadedandcrazy: "Older generations"? I suppose next you'll be telling me I could stand to lose a few pounds...
@ejcsanfran Yeah, I suppose it would be pretty cool. In the interest of full disclosure, I do thank-you cards but have gotten too overwhelmed in recent years to do them. But I make my daughter do them, ensuring she will one day be embittered by them like her mother was for so many years.
@ejcsanfran well what I really meant was, like, grandparents!
But while we're at it, why can't you just text me your thank you?! IT'S ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY!
@kayjay THIS IS A GOOD CALL. My cousin has a young daughter and even though our family is famously out-of-touch, I like to send her Christmas gifts anyway. I send something every year and never get a phone call, a note, or even a Facebook message. For all I know, they never even got the packages...I'm not sending them anymore. Super sad, but I don't feel like I should have to call to confirm, you know?
@kayjay
If the gift is given in person, you are actually not required (supposed to??) send a thank you note. It's overkill. Which is rude? Anyhow, this is the thing I unearthed in Emily Post or something when I was going through an etiquette phase. (My friends would tell you I am still going through an etiquette phase. In fact, that I might be a finishing school teacher from Charleston/was in a past life. Whatever.)
@Roxanne Rholes Confirmation email/text is all I require. I don't even want a phone call. Come over in person or email. I hate talking on the phone.
I figure by making my child do thank-you cards, it's sort of like politeness by proxy. If my child is polite, then I must be, too, right? RIGHT? For she hath sprung from my loins?
@every tomorrow@twitter I am totally crazy in that same way. Not that I dislike receiving thank you notes, but unless they are particularly long and chatty I find them a bit of a disappointment. Though I think part of the negative feelings are from flashbacks to being six years old and really annoyed that my mom was making me write thank you notes for all my birthday presents.
@kayjay I don't think I've ever gotten them besides from kid-aged birthdays and bar/bat mitzvahs. I think they're mostly appreciated with mailed gifts, giant gifts, and when the sender went out of their way to give a gift. For instance, one of my relatives gave me a graduation present, even though he doesn't have a ton of money and I didn't have a party. I sent him a thank you note, and he went bananas. On the flip side, I sent a package overseas last month, and I still have no idea if it actually made it to my friend, grr.
@kayjay I agree with you. Nobody sends me thank-you cards, EXCEPT my mother, and she sends them for every-fucking-thing. Like, a few weeks ago my parents came to my place because I needed to use their ladder, and I fed them as a part of the deal. But then I get a thank-you note for the dinner.
Now that I'm writing this all out, maybe this is a passive aggressive attempt by my mom to get me to write more cards?
@kayjay I have a friend that always texts me to say "It was great to see you, thanks so much for coming over" and every single time I feel bad that I would never think to do that.
Do you know who actually has cute thank you cards that are also totally cheap without looking totally cheap? Target. They have these nice letterpress ones that look expensive but are actually $14 for 50.
I learned this because my insurance agent sent me a thank you card (for... buying car insurance, wat) and I was like, oh wow, this is a super nice high-quality card! and then a month later I saw it at Target for super cheap and was actually MORE impressed by the taste+frugality combo of my insurance agent (who looks like a college basketball player, not someone who would select tasteful and yet extraordinarily reasonably priced thank-you cards like these: http://www.target.com/p/Green-Thank-You-Cards-50-Count/-/A-10811839 ).
SO IN SUMMARY, TARGET.
@every tomorrow@twitter target, holla! also michaels! they have a section by the registers, and they always always have cute pretty little notecards from nice designers for $1. i've picked up 2-3 every time i visit my rents in the burbs, and i am so stocked on pretty little notecards. i write extraneous notes just to use them. now that i have a bunch, i can even pick cards to reflect the person... oh man all this is making me want to go write in a notecard... *swoon*
@every tomorrow@twitter I've also got Target cards!
Mine are these ones.
@every tomorrow@twitter Love Target! They do have awesome cards. Quite a selection. Also writing thank you notes is a lost art form. I am bad about writing notes especially if I don't know the person well. I guess it's the fear of sounding trite. I need to work on that :0)
@every tomorrow@twitter They really do. I can't go by that section, because I will keep buying more.