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Monday, January 9, 2012

73

Jessica vs. the Steelers

It's Super Bowl time, did you notice? ("Super Bowl Time" is what they call it, trust me.) The Baltimore Sun is collecting fan mail for their local team, The Ravens, including this letter from softball player Jessica. Jessica, um, you kind of skimmed over the part about being taken to the counselor's office for fighting with your friend who is a Steelers fan. Care to elaborate? Are you going to get in more trouble today, or just play it cool? (Be cool.)



73 Comments / Post A Comment

parallel-lines

Dear Vikings,

>:(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know why!

-parallel-lines

PS: stop sucking.

applestoapples

John Hardball! Bless her.

HeyThatsMyBike

@applestoapples Now I will forever see him as a mashup of his brother Jim Harbaugh and Chris Matthews.

anonymass

@applestoapples
I didn't think John Hardball was allowed at softball games.

area@twitter

As a Ravens fan, I and my associates are obligated to grind the Steelers to dust beneath our heels whenever possible. (No offense, Pittsburgh, I'm sure you're a nice city.)
I am extremely excited about these playoffs. Purple Friday is going to be nuts around here.
(An aside: Was anyone else a little excited to learn about the new playoff OT rules? And then kind of went "oh, well, that's OK too" when Denver won on the second play?)

applestoapples

@area@twitter I was okay with Denver beating the Steelers, because I don't want to see Roethlisberger in another Super Bowl.
But, should the opportunity present itself, I fully expect your team's D to not pull their safeties in like Pittsburgh did and grind the Broncos into the dirt, because I don't want to see Tebow in a Super Bowl at all.

area@twitter

@applestoapples I will admit that last night I wanted Pittsburgh to win because then I would not have to hear one more Goddamned word about Tim Tebow. I cannot hear the man without thinking about that ad he did for Focus on the Family and snarling.
Dear Patriots: Please destroy this team on Saturday night, amen.

RK Fire

@area@twitter: Honestly, I was kind of hoping that somehow both teams could manage to lose. Maybe something like that scene in the Dark Knight Rises scenario where Hines Ward is running down the field and the football field collapses behind him as he's running, taking out all of the other players on the field.

That's a totally reasonable outcome of a football game, right?

breccia

@area@twitter Tebow's win is going to inflate Jesus' ego SO MUCH

applestoapples

@area@twitter Seriously. He's inconsistent, and people treat him like he's the Second Coming, but he's no John Elway. The only reason his passing yardage is high this season is because no one tries to force him into a running game (which he sucks at) and he has good receivers that know how to follow his erratic college ball shotgun bullshit.

I hope Tom Brady uses his Care Bear Stare of Fornicating Catholic Hotness to win next week.

area@twitter

@RK Fire I saw that trailer and just went "oh". It hurt, seeing all those guys bite it at once. Last night, though? Might not have really minded.

@breccia I love the SNL sketch from a few weeks back where Jesus comes into Denver's locker room and confesses that he prays to Matt Prater (Denver's FG kicker).

area@twitter

@applestoapples "Care Bear Stare of Fornicating Catholic Hotness"
ahahahaha holy shit, there goes that mug of coffee

RK Fire

@area@twitter: Yeah, it's not something I would genuinely hope for anyone, but there are football matchups were I'm at best indifferent towards either team, and I jokingly hope that something like that happens during the game.

Why don't we imagine that as the ground crumbles, they land on trampolines? After they slide off the trampoline, they high five each other and go to a post-game ice cream social?

[I don't want anyone to die, I just want them to looooooooooose.]

I think I feel this way whenever there's some combination of Steelers, Patriots, and Cowboys.

applestoapples

@RK Fire Except for Ben Roethlisberger, who just falls eternally down a Nietzschean abyss of his own making.

RK Fire

@applestoapples: Somehow I forgot about him, but I can get behind that.

area@twitter

@RK Fire @applestoapples I would like to second all of these ideas up to and including the Nietzschean abyss.

dtowngirl

@applestoapples As a Denverite and a life-long Broncos fan, I must say I can't stand Tebow, and I secretly hope they lose soon.

Bittersweet

@applestoapples: I've been informing all and sundry this morning that the Tebow Halo doesn't work in Foxboro. And "Care Bear Stare of Fornicating Catholic Hotness" is perfect, thanks.

applestoapples

@Bittersweet I'm a Giants fan, and I'm doing one of those things where, barring the G-Men make it to the Big Show and thereby reinstating my feelings towards the Ravens and/or Patriots, I'm playing nice for now with anyone who knocks him out of the running. It takes a lot to get me to want to see Belichick beat someone, but it's one of those circumstances.

And I can openly and shamelessly admit that Tom Brady's status is rightfully earned, and his hotness is universally accepted.

Bittersweet

@applestoapples: I'm rooting for a Pats-Packers Super Bowl, because then I wouldn't care (so much) who won and I could spend 3 hours enjoying brilliant passing plays and concocting arguments in my head for Brady vs. Rogers or vice-versa. Mmmmm.

RK Fire

@Bittersweet: The "Mmmmm" also sounds appropriate for a Brady/Rogers slashfic.

...

WHO SAID THAT?

Go Ravens

area@twitter

@RK Fire
"Brady/Rogers slashfic"
that is going to be in my head for the rest of forever bahahahahaha

"Kiss me, Tom!" ::clank of facemasks::

Anji

@area@twitter That's a ten-yard penalty!

Ohgodtheideaofaslashficwherethesexisbeingrefereediskillingme.

applestoapples

@Anji Illegal block in the back. Roughing the passer. Illegal use of hands. Holding. Too many men on the field.

#footballpenaltiesthatcanalsobepornscenarios

phenylalanine

@applestoapples can't. stop. laughing. Blocking below the waist. Illegal contact.

area@twitter

@phenylalanine Intentional grounding! Encroachment! Illegal touching! SPEARING. I am dying.

RK Fire

That "protect our house" drawings was the best, although "John Hardball" is pretty high up there.

RAVENS!!

area@twitter

@RK Fire Did you see the bunny?! BUNBUN. ::shrieks::

RK Fire

@area@twitter: YES. I may have spent a few minutes weighing the pros and cons of screenshotting the photo so I could share it on my FB.

WHERE DID THEY FIND A BUNNY-SIZED JERSEY?!?

Anji

@RK Fire I don't know, but I'm glad we live in a world where they make Ravens jerseys for bunnies!

RK Fire

@Anji: That is truly the Lesson for Today. *nods solemnly*

p.s. I constantly joke with my husband about getting a Ravens jersey for one of our cats (and a Redskins jersey for another one, since he is a Redskins fan) but between the bunny picture and getting excited about playoffs, I am seriously thinking about it.

area@twitter

@RK Fire AH YES. I am first and foremost a Redskins fan- from birth, as they say- but Ravens are always my second. (Although getting jerseys on cats, hmm. Not as easy as getting them on bunnies or dogs.)

Anji

@RK Fire Well, now you know you have to do it. This is the definitive call to action.

.
.

@RK Fire My bunny (named BunBun) would scratch off my face if I tried to put a jersey on him. I don't know where people get these docile bunnies from. Even my bunny girl Ellie would bite my toes if I tried it. She is sweet but has a real temper.

applestoapples

@RK Not that I have ever tried to kit out any of my pets in a jersey for good luck or anything like that, but I hear that the extra-small NFL licensed pet jerseys, which can be bought on one's respective team website, will fit bunny-sized creatures. So I hear.

MoonBat

@applestoapples
My bunny, Bob, is pictured in my little photo/avatar thing to the left. She would look insanely adorable in a tiny Saints jersey, but I'm afraid they'd have to use DNA analysis to identify my remains if I tried to dress her. Such would be my destruction, that the authorities would rule my death a case of polar bear attack.

applestoapples

@MoonBat Sometimes you have to sacrifice for the greater good, which is putting your bunny in a jersey and taking photos for everyone to see.

Anji

Aw, bless her heart. Agreed with all sentiments expressed here! Nice to see other 'pinners who are Ravens fans too. :-)

breccia

Today, there is no joy in Mudville -- I mean, Pittsburgh.

Nutmeg

@breccia I once got really drunk watching the robot-baseball episode of The Twilight Zone and called my dad up to read him that poem. I think my reasoning was, "I just watched something about baseball and Dad likes sports," but I don't really remember.

redheaded&crazy

Just gonna try and play it cool here but ... I thought the super bowl took place over american thanksgiving? why am I so ignorant?!??

RK Fire

@redheadedandcrazy: Why would you keep track of the timing of our totally provincial, no-one-really-cares-outside-of-the-US sport? It's okay. :D Usually there is a game during the US Thanksgiving, but it's not the Super Bowl. I think if the two were aligned, it would create a great black hole of gluttony or something similar.

pterodactgirl

@redheadedandcrazy Yeah, I'm from here and didn't know when the Super Bowl was for an embarrassingly long time. Don't feel bad! It's all about what sports you pay attention to.

I'm currently excited because the Australian Open starts this month though. Woo hoo!

Bebe

As a broken-hearted Steelers fan, I just think this is...too soon. Now excuse me, I am not done weeping into my Terrible Towel.

theheckle

@Bebe Awww. You know, there are sales on towels all the time.

youresmalltime

@Bebe Practically every customer that's come into this bank today has been regarding me with a precarious, head-pat kind of expression. "Are you... are you alright today?"

NO I'M NOT D: D: D:

Bebe

@theheckle OK, that was mean AND funny.

@youresmalltime We'll get through this together. We survived Neil O'Donnell blowing the Super Bowl against Dallas*, we can survive this, too. What does not kill us will make us stronger.

*Some people I know are still angry about this though, and still convinced he was paid to throw the game. And "some people" = me.

youresmalltime

@Bebe I was nine. I cried until I fell asleep on the living room floor.

This has been a true story.

Bebe

@youresmalltime Oddly enough, that is exactly how my grandfather reacted, too!

maevemealone

You guys. I got Tebowed at my desk this morning. I'm taking my ball and going home early. *SOB*

Bebe

@maevemealone You need to report that to HR. Football discrimination!

Emby

For this game I was, as they say, rooting for the meteor.

Barry Grant

So much ladylove for football! You Pinners are the best.

Goooooo Niners!

boyofdestiny

So conflicted between hoping for all the bad things to happen to the Ravens, as quickly as the schedule allows, and hoping for them to make the Super Bowl so the Giants can smash them into a jelly.

Bittersweet

@boyofdestiny: Wishful drinking already, bod? It's kind of early in the day.

Anji

@boyofdestiny 'Cause that worked out so well for you the last time we met in the Super Bowl? :P

boyofdestiny

@Anji Trent Dilfer can't save you now!

applestoapples

@boyofdestiny You made a Trent Dilfer joke in these comments. Prayers officially answered.

area@twitter

@applestoapples @boyofdestiny heh heh, "Dilfer".

MoonBat

@boyofdestiny
OHHHHH, boy boy boy.....don't you know that this is Drew Brees' year, again?
Can I get a WHO DAT?

MoonBat

@boyofdestiny
Also; Raven jelly sounds kind of gross and feathery.

boyofdestiny

@MoonBat I think the Giants can beat (and be beaten) by pretty much anyone in the field, but the Saints are the only team I'm really afraid of. Drew Brees is playing like a robot killing machine sent back in time to destroy the future by demolishing opposing defenses in the present.

Anji

@boyofdestiny Trent Dilfer barely saved us the last time! It was all Matt Stover! But now we have Flacco and Rice and Torrey Smith, and let's not forget T-Sizzle and his vaguely terrifying face.

MoonBat

@boyofdestiny
Awwwww! Okay come watch the game with me. I'm making gumbo and we'll have Hurricanes, French-Quarter style.

RK Fire

@boyofdestiny: Really? You have no fear of Aaron Rodgers? The Packers can be beaten but they look really, really, really good.

@Anji: Vaguely terrifying? I'm a fan, and I was disappointed that I couldn't find a picture of him with a bloody mouth post-Roethlisberger sack, but I've taken to thinking of him as the Mouth of Sauron for a reason.

boyofdestiny

@RK Fire Rodgers is playing very well, but they're beatable. The Giants hung with them a month ago, and I'm crossing my fingers that we'll see the Packers who lost to the Chiefs, and not the Packers who beat the Vikings by 38.

Anji

@RK Fire I'm immune. Went to college right off the Block and trust me, you ain't seen scary til you've seen hookers getting their breakfast at Crazy John's. Also, "Mouth of Sauron" to describe Terrell Suggs is the most hilariously apt football-related description I've heard since I read someone calling the new OT rules "Calvinball-esque" last night. Also, I might have inhaled Coke Zero when I read your comment. Maybe.

RK Fire

@Anji: CRAZY JOHN'S!!! I actually used to work at the city government building a few doors down (NOT CITY HALL) and I may have been in love with their breakfast sandwiches.. so greasy.. so delicious. In fact, apparently I was so in love that I completely ignored said hookers at Crazy John's.. the only people I recall seeing at Crazy John's (really) were fellow city gov't workers.

I'm glad you appreciate the Mouth of Sauron description. I wish more people used it!

Anji

@RK Fire Yeah, but hooker breakfast is regular-people lunch, so...

I actually quoted you last night. My two guy friends laughed so hard they cried, and my adorable stoner bestie just looked confused. That's how I know the universe is doing fine.

SarahP

I LOVE the line "Sometimes I have sport's and can't watch the beggining or the end." SO ADORABLE.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@SarahP "and Joe Flacco no more interceptions" also very adorable.

mustelid

Looking forward to the Superbowl so I can make snacks. I try to only whip out the deep fryer on special occasions.

Pound of Salt

The third letter -

"Dear The Ravens,"

So good!

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