@Edith Zimmerman What does the alt text mean? I see snow covered mountains, or maybe three people with their hands up to their eyes like they're trying to search for someone in the distance.
I vote number two based on context, but I'm wrong, aren't I?
@Edith Zimmerman What noo! I wasn't complaining! Just trying to make a joke about solipsism and glowy word boxes and so on. Unless you really are worried about that...
@squid v. whale Dude, take a page from Jolie and bleach bomb your entire apartment. Stomach flu germs can survive on surfaces and give it to you again. It is The Worst.
@Daisy Razor UGH really? That sounds terrible (hope it didn't happen to you!) Luckily, all of our walls and kitchen/bathroom surfaces are white w/ white tile (augh, rental space) so I can bleach freely!
@Daisy Razor do it! My roommate has the flu and I've been following him around w/ a spray can of lysol all week. I'm not currently his favorite person but whatever, down with germs!
@squid v. whale CDC says 5 tablespoons bleachie per 1 gallon of water for stomach flu viruses. Put it in a spray bottle and shake gently to mix. Spray and wipe. Spray (but don't wipe) your shower tile grout while you're at it!
@squid v. whale When I had the stomach flu, I had a little spray bottle of tile cleaner and a roll of paper towels next to the toilet, and every time I threw up I sprayed the hell out of the whole room (we have a European-style bathroom, so it's just a toilet nook). True story. My gentleman was laughing at me.
I would like to thank Emily Panic for recommending Lime Crime lipsticks in her post from the way back (http://thehairpin.com/2011/11/how-to-go-on-tour) and subsequently improving my life. Centrifuschia, yo.
My friend just recommended craniosacral therapy (not for anything specific, just for a glowy, good feeling), which I had never heard of. Anyone have any experiences?
@NeenerNeener Well, it sounds like it might feel nice, but jeebus does it give me the willies and set off my spidey sense when I read alt-med things like "tune into the craniosacral rhythm."
@NeenerNeener I am usually super skeptical of that kind of thing, but after a week of head-splitting headaches, one session of craniosacral therapy completely cured it. It could be that something else happened the exact same day to fix it, but the headaches came out of nowhere and I didn't change anything about my life, so I kind of feel like that was it. They don't touch you, really, so worst case scenario is you're out the cost of the session -- it definitely won't make you worse.
@NeenerNeener If you decide to do it, I suggest that you see an osteopathic physician (a D.O.). They are physicians that are trained just like MD's/take the same boards/do the same residencies, so they won't do anything potentially dangerous (although most osteopathic doctors don't do osteopathic manipulation as part of their practice, so you would have to find one that is a specialist).
I suggest going to a physician because the vertebral arteries supply blood to the brain and they pass through your cervical vertebrae - and messing with cervical vertebrae can result vertebral artery dissection, which is basically a stroke. I will admit, I have had my cervical vertebrae "cracked" by an osteopathic doctor, but I had a structural problem from a car accident and the doctor I saw had done a family medicine/osteopathic medicine double residency.
Honestly though, if you don't have a specific pain issue I would just look up youtube videos of people doing something called "osteopathic manual manipulation" and have your friend/significant other/whatever do it on you. The techniques are very simple, and I don't think that a osteopathic doctor would see you if don't have a specific complaint. The techniques I would look up are: direct myofasical release, muscle energy, and "bowstringing". These things are basically impossible to screw up and are just a hybrid of massage/physical therapy. Whatever you do, don't try anything that involves cracking.
Sorry for writing a novel! I am kind of into this stuff because my mentor in undergrad was a osteopathic doctor and my bestie is going to an osteopathic medical school.
@dracula's ghost OK, so my husband is a die-hard Zelda fan, but he is cheating on her with Skyrim and LOVES it. Just FYI, if you're looking for the next thing after Twilight Princess.
I've been baking cookies lately, and they keep getting really flat in the oven instead of, like, puffy and delicious. Why? Any bakers who are good at this kind of thing?
@Emby A lot of cookies will puff up and then flatten when heat is removed from the equation. You can try use recipes with higher flour-to-liquid ratios and solid shortening instead of oil, which will make them more cake-ish.
@phlox Huh. Interesting diagnosis, seeing as my baking soda is really really old. Embarrassingly old. I didn't know it could go bad! That very well might be the problem.
@Emby YES. Several things:
1. Check your oven temp with an actual real oven thermometer. I did this and found out my oven was running hot--25 degrees above what it said.
2. Add more flour to your cookies. This is my dad's method and it is perfect.
3. Chill your dough in the fridge/freezer before scooping/baking. This helps re-chill the butter so things don't get all runny. (It has the added bonus of FROZEN COOKIE DOUGH BALLS.)
4. Are you baking directly on a cookie/baking sheet, especially a dark-colored one? That can add to it. If you use a silpat or parchment paper, it can help the cookies hold on to the baking surface a little better.
@Emby Depends on the recipe. Generally I'd suggest keeping your butter cool or cold when blending it in, and/or chilling the dough before you handle it and bake it. I've found using shortening (ie, Crisco) instead of butter will also give you a bigger cookie.
Also, @Third Wave Housewife I had no idea that I could use shortening instead of oil. I do like cake-ish cookies.
Baking is a brave new world for me. I'm a pretty awesome cook, if I say so myself, but baking has always seemed just like witchcraft to me. But I want to learn its witchy ways!
@Emby You should absolutely learn its witchy ways! It is pretty much science+magic=deliciousness. I used to be absolutely terrible at baking (I attracted disasters like a magnet) but something just kind of clicked last year and now I love it more than anything.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I have heard that the best cookies are created when chilled for 24 to 32 hours. However, I don't have the patience for that. Does this mean it's probably true?
@meetapossum Yes. I always assume that patience makes everything taste better, and yet I have none, so I let my pizza dough rise for like 20 minutes and mumble and grumble later when I'm chewing on flat, boring crust.
@Emby I have similar impatience with pizza dough, so I found this recipe and use it all the time instead. Except I load it up with toppings and it stays nice and chewy.
@Emby I also microwave my butter for cookies when I forget to leave it out to soften, so what @area@twitter says about keeping the butter chilled completely blows my mind!
@meetapossum My solution to this is to not cook all the batter at once. So the first night you make only however many cookies you're going to eat and then let the batter chill and then on later evenings you have more rested cookies. (You can also freeze it and bake from frozen if you have any left after a couple days.) Bonus to this is that you always get just-baked cookies.
@Emby Are you sure the recipe isn't flawed? I tried almost all of these tricks once with a Martha Stewart chocolate chip cookie recipe and it turns out there was a big ole error in the recipe. I was so sad and frustrated because the cookies were for a musician friend of mine who had been in a huge car accident and broke his hand (piano player! ah!). They just kept turning to runny pancakes on the cookie sheet and generally ruining my oven until I used a different recipe and everything worked out a-ok.
Sidenote, musician friend totally healed and is still the finest pianist I have ever known. (that's not a double entendre, ladies.)
@ms. alex YES to Alton Brown. A gozillion times yes. His chewy recipe is one of my favorites. (Smitten Kitchen's Crispy Chewy Chocolate Chip is my other, though I usually dial down the vanilla a smidge.)
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Yes all of these tips are perfect. In addition to the Alton Brown Chewy, I also love the New York Times Chocolate Chip cookie recipe (the one that recommended the 24 hour chill in the fridge. It really does make them super delicious, but for those of us who want cookies NOW, what I do is make the dough and then bake like three cookies so I can eat a few and let the rest of the dough hang out in the fridge overnightish.
@Emby - Bake bread!!! It's surprisingly easy compared to a lot of other baking, especially if you make like, baguettes. And the thing is, w/ bread, freshness is soooooo special that a mediocre baguette which is only minutes old still tastes AMAZING compared to most other bread you ever eat.
Plus, you can carve your name into it before you bake it, and it looks awesome when it's done. I'm pretty much a 13 year old, so I also find it amusing to draw crude genitalia on the surface of the bread with caraway seeds or rosemary.
@phlox also, an anecdote about pizza dough, most pizza shops will sell you dough balls so you can have a backup incase your dough is just weird and crackery but you really want to use your fancy grill top pizza stone (also, dough related laziness).
I tried to get my boss to talk to me about my night shift misery yesterday and she sent me some unreadable text messages that ended with "we can talk Monday." Pretty sure if she doesn't offer me a new job- really and truly tell me I will have a new shift by the end of February- I have to quit :/
@Third Wave Housewife Aw, yeah, I'm sorry... but only kinda, since you recently posted how much you were disliking your work lately, so it may be for the best!
@SarahP It's just infuriating that the only thing making me hate it is the shift! And the girl who works the day shift has no investment in her work, and nor does anyone else there. Granted, a job is a job, and not everyone has to love it, but it's crushing nonetheless.
@Third Wave Housewife ugh nightshifts destroyed my life/health/sanity. especially since i was shifting from days to nights to days all within the same week. After an outrageous event and my finally standing up for myself, I'm off nights. Good luck on Monday!!
@josiah ugh I know I am so sad! Aside from the stories, I really and truly like my job! I love when a couple lets me help them pick out porn and a vibrator! It makes my heart grow three times bigger!
@A Dolly I'm terrified my boss is going to dangle a new job in front of me indefinitely because it can be so hard for her to find decent people to work nights. Argggggh. Thank you, I am going to stand up for myself big time, because I can't deal anymore :(
@Third Wave Housewife I feel your pain; I worked night shift for a long time, and it is SO difficult. So, so difficult. Especially in the winter. I really hope you're able to change your shift :\
It is almost 4 and I am still mostly in my PJs because I've been working on my thesis all day. It is THISCLOSE to being done (the first draft, at least. But that's the hardest part, right? Right?). I am planning on much beer and celebration tonight.
@Edith Zimmerman @MerelyGoodExpectations Thanks everybody! Now opening the floor to trashy novel suggestions, because I am sick of reading about gas stations.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Well done, you!!! I have to finish, um, one of my four chapters, and my intro and conclusion, before my thesis first draft can really be called "done." But the due date is six weeks out and my advisor is like, impossible to get ahold of so I am quietly panicking???
@The Lady of Shalott Best advice I had was to read somebody else's thesis. They're all suprisingly bad. Bad writing, errors, and a bit thin on substance. Always an ego-boost.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I think trashy novels are seasonal, like craft beers or espadrilles. Midwinter calls for something a little dark, with a supernatural theme, may I suggest something such as Waking the Moon or another Elizabeth Hand book?
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher If you started a bar that served only alcohol and desserts, you would hire me to drink all the alcohol and bake things, right?
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher @LRMG OHHHH this is my post-graduation plan, except I'm picturing something more...pub-like, where there isn't food other than desserts, and churros don't cost 9 bucks.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Trashy novels! I am here for you. The entire Kushiel's Dart series is pretentious and sexytimey (in BDSMy ways, warning) but totally absorbing. Imagine a religion that is basically all about sex, in a sort of mishmash of Regency England, The Eternal Paris We All Imagine, and Medieval Europe. From the point of view of a courtesan/spy. With a Viking war and stuff!
Also, I don't think Uglies is exactly trashy, but it's a really fun read. And have you read any Thursday Next, because the first one at least is a good time! It's trash for highly educated people, which basically means lit and grammar jokes all the time. Annnnnd I could go on, feel free to encourage me.
In other news, if you did start said bar I would be there all the time, and theses! Are killers. Congratulations!
@miwome "Imagine a religion that is basically all about sex, in a sort of mishmash of Regency England, The Eternal Paris We All Imagine, and Medieval Europe. From the point of view of a courtesan/spy. With a Viking war and stuff!"
WHAT. Must find immediately. And yes, love me some Thursday Next, even though I've just reaad the first one!
(And thank you!)
(ps: We're putting your rum float on the menu at the bar asap)
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher It's here! And I didn't even mention the hot warrior priest yet. Oh, you are going to have such fun! There are three books and then a spinoff series, so lots of trashiness to run through.
I will be sucking down that float at the bar ASAP. No really, I'm going to the kind of bar where they do whatever you want, and I'm going to see if I can make them do this.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher It turns out I'm actually going to a different bar, which may or may not offer such things (but it's new! And by the proprietors of my favorite bar, so! I'm excited!), but I will see what they say. WE SHALL COMPARE NOTES.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher and @MerelyGoodExpectations; I don't know exacty if this book qualifies as "trashy" but I know I wouldn't call it classy. It fits into the "supernatural" theme, slightly, though. Check out "Rebel" by Zoe Archer. And maybe other books in that series(Which is called 'Blades of the Rose'), though I haven't read any others yet. Just a suggestion. :3
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher So where I ended up going was floatless, sad, but I come bearing a video that I think you will enjoy. Think of it as a congratulations re: your thesis draft: mostly naked Russian boys singing saccharine pop music, yes!
I sent in my last grad application this week, and now I literally have nothing to do with my life (I'm not in school right now). It's SO WEIRD. I've honestly never had nothing to do before - there's always been some sort of project.
@Lucienne DISTRACT YO'SELF. The waiting/agonizing was the worst, as I am a fairly anxious person by nature. Go enjoy not having the weight of deadlines hanging over your head!
@Lucienne Me too! It doesn't actually feel good, because I want to know RIGHT NOW. I like planning things, and it's weird not knowing whether I'll be working in the fall, or at grad school.
@Lucienne I have nothing to do too!!! I just finished my thesis properly. I followed my spouse to the states, I have nothing to do and no permission to work. BORED. The worst thing is, while in thesis-hell I had all these fantasies about reading in a cafe all afternoon, but we're crazy poor so I'm pretty much at home on the hairpin all day. Can't even tackle new baking projects to re-create a taste of home (UK).
@Lucienne I am also waiting to her back from my PhD application and it is TOTALLY NERVE-WRACKING. Distract yourself. Reading of the Hairpin is highly encouraged! Do all the craft projects at once!!!
@Lucienne I'm in the same boat--waiting for Gradot...that was terrible. shoot me.
But I've been doing all the shit that I know I won't have time to do in grad school, like...making cute little paper hearts garlands that I will probably throw out in three weeks. YAY
@Lady_Terminator Me too! Except last week I ran into two people I know who are on the admissions committee and all I wanted to ask about was if they had decided yet but the decisions don't officially go out until April so I can't ask yet.
@Aubergines Oh, no! I actually have two part-time jobs, so it's just the "no transcendence for you!" feeling that's making me nuts. Can you go to your public library? It will help you live out that cafe fantasy more cheaply.
@c8te It's also bad because some programs have let people know already - I have the gradcafe list for my program open pretty much all the time, to no real purpose.
@Lucienne @Lady of Shalott @Lady_Terminator @phlox I just sent in my grad school application, but I only sent in one, because it's a pretty specialized program and after researching schools for more than a year it's the only one I want to get into...BUT! I have no backup! That is so scary!
What if I don't get in? What if they read my personal statement and are like "this girl be cray"? WHAT IF THEY HAAAAAAAATE MEEEEEEEEEEE??!!?!?!!?!
At least mine is rolling admission, so if they do hate me I'll find out sooner rather than later and can get started on the sobbing right away.
Good luck to all of us!
Found out my ex is dating someone new and it registered zero on the stabby reaction scale. Is this what being an adult with manageable emotions is like? Starting my ticker-tape parade here!
@chrysopoeia Had the EXACT same experience this week, no reaction and a realization that whomever he's dating has no impact on my life whatsoever. I took it as a good sign of being well and truly over him. Yay!
Now to figure out what's going on with Mr. Single Dad, a.k.a. Answers-My-Emails-But-Doesn't-Seem-So-Keen-To-Initiate. I know he's busy, but who isn't? We have a fine time when we hang out, but I can't get a read on him, i.e. does he LIKE like me, or am I just pleasant company to him? (I am, actually, extremely pleasant company!) Will he EVER try to kiss me properly (lips on lips, possibly some tongue) or am I doomed to remain in this nebulous friend territory?? WHAT is going on inside his HEAD??? We had a 10 hour date!! It was awesome, I thought we connected, so WTF???
Any advice on whether I should actually say this to the dude? We haven't hung out in two weeks or so, and have had some email contact (I happen to know he's working on a few things right now, so...) but it kind of feels like the momentum has petered out a bit, and I don't know if that's just because he's distracted with other things or he's really just not that interested. But then again, if a dude's into you, wants to get to know you, distractions aren't going to keep him from making an effort, no?
Dude 'pinners, I would appreciate your manly input here.
@chrysopoeia Nope, his kid is about to go away to university, and he's been a single dad for pretty much the whole time he's been a dad (not a deadbeat dad or anything, his kid has pretty much lived with him full time). So the usual single dad-isms are not exactly the same, but I know the kid was going through exams/projects of late, so he wanted to be around to help out, that's one thing. He's a pretty devoted father, it's quite lovely.
@sugarfree
If I were in your shoes... I dunno, I'd say "ask him" but how do you even formulate that question? Not in words, at least. So ask him, with your lips on his lips, and read his body language for all your answers.
@chrysopoeia Congrats to the no stabbiness! You've achieved my goal- it's been almost a year since my ex and I split up and I still get stabby reactions when I even think about him. Does it go away? Does it get better? Please tell me everything will be ok eventually, or at least how you achieved your non-stabbiness...
@LittleBookofCalm It's a multi-pronged approach you have to take. First off, did you ever let yourself get angry, I mean, truly, unbelievably livid, at whatever your ex did/said/whatever that contributed to the break up? Sometimes this is easier; in my case, my boneheaded ex made all manner of completely insensitive comments to my face, and I TOOK THEM at the time, so the angry came easy. I got angry at myself too, and accepted the fact that I put up with certain things at the time, for my own reasons which I had to make peace with. This can be a hard part, facing what you put up with in order to get "love," which is I think what a lot of us gals sometimes do. I let myself be as angry as I needed to be, to get what I think of as "lift off velocity," to pull myself away from the situation I was in with him.
This is the other side of it though: you have to look within yourself and think about all the things you want your life to be. Who you want to be, who you imagine being with as you make your way in life: who supports you being yourself? What kind of person? Not just a romantic partner but even friends. If your ex were that person, you would still be together. That stabby feeling is your ego, the wounding of your ego; if you can remind yourself of that, and remind yourself also that nothing that he does bears any importance on your life going forward, that it doesn't matter if he meets someone new, if he has sex with someone new, none of that has any relevance to your life, you will get past those awful pangs.
The more you focus your energies on ways to make your life awesome for yourself, really and truly great, the less it will matter what he's doing or with whom. You will simply be happy with who you are, where you are, which is the whole point of life, really. And it will be okay eventually: the heart and everything else we contain are fortunately quite resilient.
@chrysopoeia Caipirinhas are really good; my drunkard Spanish roommates and I once mixed up a saucepan of them and then drank out of ti with straws. Those were good times.
@thenotestaken Mount Gay is the best rum, but I'm probably just saying that because my dad is Bajan.
I make iced coffees with rum, some Tia Maria or Kahlua, a cup of strong black coffee, a splash of Irish cream, and some milk.
@thenotestaken Ooh, I made a great rum cake a few weeks ago...here you go (that's not my blog, and I cut the recipe in half and used one loaf pan, but I should have used two because everyone loved it and ate the whole thing).
@c8te: Love dark 'n' stormies but somehow they are only allowable for me in the summer, preferably on the back patio as prelude to a nice barbecue. Maybe drinking them in the winter would make it feel more like summer though...
Hoarders is the best thing to have playing while you clean. Your conscious will go to its happy place, and once you wake up, the house will smell like bleachie and everything will be gone.
@MerelyGoodExpectations I am personally a huge fan of Australia's Next Top Model, which you can find online streaming with some judicious Googling. It's much awesomer than America's NTM.
I'm still pretty stoked about snagging tickets for a Valentine's Day burlesque show. Pretty naked ladies showing off their fabulous dance routines and voices ftw!
@wharrgarbl Oooo! One of my nursey coworkers is also a burlesque dancer--a very good one. I can't wait to see one of her shows, when my schedule and hers finally work out!
GalleyCat had this great link to the New York Public Library to create your own sterograms. You know, in case you need to kill time for another hour while at work.
i have been psyching myself up to get a manicure all week but i can't, because the thought of making smalltalk with the nail lady is giving my hives. and my hand itches where my cat scratched me when i gave her her medicine :(
@LeafySeaDragon This made me laugh--not because I think your situation is hilarious but because I sometimes avoid things based on hypothetical smalltalk too.
@LeafySeaDragon I had this one extremely brisk, silent lady give me a manicure at my nail place like a month ago. I loved it. I LOVED IT. She wouldn't look at me, wouldn't talk to me, nothing. But she hasn't been there on my last two visits! I've gotten chatty, smiley ladies. Oh where is my evil ice queen manicurist? Where is she??
Guys? I just finished a crazy project that I've been working non-stop since before Thanksgiving...and now I'm actually not sure what to do with myself.
Also, I took people's advice and unsubscribed from my ex's facebook updates and it made a big difference. It's not like I was getting depressed or anything beforehand, but it was like a tiny little daily dagger to my brain to see those updates, and now it's like my sea is always one wave calmer.
I dunno if it's causing grief in my friend group that I have my ex blocked still, so if I create an event, then invite all his friends, i can't invite him (not that i want him there but for the sake of diplomacy) so then i get somebody else to invite him, but then every time i explicitly have to tell people to invite him because nobody seems to get the damn hint
wow this got ALL ABOUT ME real fast. Notwithstanding, It's a GOOOOOD feeling not seeing that shit.
@wallsdonotfall Yay! It's right up there with my favorite poems in general. And it perfectly marries my love of poetry and linguistics. And mysterious dead languages.
Yes, that one is fantastic, also. It's a nice take on divorce that you don't often see.
@Emby Do you have other favorites that hit that sweet spot? The only one I can think of is the poem from which I drew my username, though my tastes have changed radically since I first read it years ago:
(excerpted from The Walls Do Not Fall, H.D.)
But we fight for life,
we fight, they say, for breath,
so what good are your scribblings?
this--we take them with us
beyond death; Mercury, Hermes, Thoth,
invented the script, letters, palette;
the indicated flute or lyre-notes
on papyrus or parchment
are magic, indelibly stamped
on the atmosphere somehere,
forever; remember, O Sword,
you are the younger brother, the latter-born,
your Triumph, however exultant,
must one day be over,
@wallsdonotfall I really like Pablo Neruda's Verbo, of which the English translation goes a-little something like this:
I’m going to wrinkle this word,
I’m going to twist it,
yes,
it is much too flat
it is as if a great dog or great river
had passed its tongue or water over it
during many years.
I want that in the word
the roughness is seen
the iron salt
The de-fanged strength
of the land,
the blood
of those who have spoken and those who have not spoken.
I want to see the thirst
Inside the syllables
I want to touch the fire
in the sound:
I want to feel the darkness
of the cry. I want
words as rough
as virgin rocks.
@Emby If you're an Arcadia fan,you might like this too. Not linguistics but my own love, natural sciences and the history/philosophy thereof--
For a Naturalist Dead at Sea
Adrienne Rich
We'll not deplore you, though we know what's gone
The sea in no laborious swell can haul
Back on our beaches; such a freight as yours
Will never deck our tideline. Out of love
You gathered learning, and your human kin
If loved no more than conches, than the race
Of crayfish or the childish porpoises,
Were yet well loved by you. We mourn to hear
Of bridegrooms gathered nightward by the gales,
Of boon companions chug-a-lugging brine,
Lost to the red interior, the benign
Circle of beer-lit faces. You, our friend
Were still the friend of all that crept or swam:
We cannot think you lonely where you end.
Why should we call you shoreward? You will speak
With the drowned captain drifting by the shoal
On which his ship was broken; you will hear
The lonely scuffle of the hermit crab
Seeking an empty tenement. The trail
Of nets and anchors off the human coast
Will not detain you, nor the squeak of rudders
Far overhead. Oh, you will loaf and drowse
By fans of seaweed nodding in the stir
Of ocean currents. You will drink the cream
Of the great wetnurse whale, and hear from her
The lullabies that make leviathan dream.
@A Dolly BUT! Shouldn't one always keep exes current on LinkedIn? Just because LinkedIn is so generally depressing! Oh look, he's still at that job he hated. Oh look now, he changed his occupation to "Social Media Consultant." That's 2012 code for "unemployed."
I'm letting my daughter watch a lot of TV (bad mama!) because she is sick, but she is also super cuddly and the Curious George series is actually really charming.
@Daisy Razor: I love the Curious George series, and am fairly sad that my daughter has grown out of it. And really sad that she's grown into Phineas & Ferb, which is louder and not as cute.
@Bittersweet I have adult friends who adore Phineas & Ferb, and I'm not sure why, since it doesn't seem any more clever than the rest of the kids' cartoons out there. But, yes, George is adorable, even though I worry about the developmental issues of the kid who thinks George is a child from the city and not a nonverbal simian.
So my mom bought me a pair of jeans for Christmas, and even though I tried THE EXACT SAME PAIR ON and they fit PERFECTLY, these somehow don't. And are non-refundable. So now I am on a diet of sorts, except I hate diets, but I feel so guilty that my lovely mom bought me these jeans which are just a little too small and it turns out guilt is a strong motivator. Except nothing has changed in like a week. I am mad.
@alphabiddycity i have a pair of current/elliot boyfriend jeans and a pair of brand jeans my mother bought for me right before i lost, like, 25 pounds. but i am not about to gain all that weight back, so i am left just feeling guilty :c
@alphabiddycity I have that problem, too! I don't understand who two pairs of the exact same style and size could fit SO differently. It doesn't make sense.
@TimeLordNinjaWizard It depends on the way they cut them at the factory. This is trufax, from a woman I know who worked in a jeans factory. The denim is cut in a big stack, right? Like, twenty things of denim, and the gigantic slicer comes down SHOOOOM and cuts them all at once. But because of the way the fabric...is, the jeans at the bottom of the stack are very often slightly bigger than than the jeans at the top. So when slightly-slightly-slightly bigger jean fronts are sewed to slightly-bigger jeans backs, it creates tiny, tiny differences in fit. So the same brand, style, size, etc., can be slightly different! Since our bodies are not, obviously, made in gigantic machines, they are all slightly different, too.
Orrrrr it might be that they're made in different factories, and even though the machines are calibrated to the same standards....people, you know? People is people.
@The Lady of Shalott That makes sense. I guess this is why (if you have the opportunity) you should always try on jeans before you buy them. It's also why I hate buy jeans. Short + booty = hard to fit.
@TimeLordNinjaWizard: Also, I have noticed that the same make and model of jeans can sometimes be made in different places (there was a pair of Old Gravy jeans I liked that I bought two versions of; one was made in Cambodia, and the other in Mexico.)
@cuminafterall I neeeeed to do this. I also need shampoo, so a Target run is definitely needed. (I bought an elliptical a few weeks ago and have been exercising diligently, but realized that I only own one sports bra? So I need to buy...more. Lots more. Also more socks because where did all mine go?)
@snuffleupagus me, too. The Target/c9 stuff is great... I love the racerback-ish sports bras and the capri-length running tights particularly much. Also, that stuff seems to do OK in the dryer unlike the expensive brands I buy where the tags warn me against ever, ever daring to tumble dry.
@cuminafterall I recommend stalking Lucy and Lulu Lemon for sales. Sign up for their newsletters...they often have extra something-percent off sales and the stuff makes you feel like the most glamorous and committed-to-the-lifestyle workout person ever!
i bought three new bras yesterday! i had gone embarrassingly long without purchasing new bras (it's tough when boobs are the size of toddler heads. i want to freeboob to badly. it's a distant fantasy.) so i'd forgotten what it's like to wear bra that really, truly fits.
so ladies: never follow my example. buy bras early and buy bras often. the difference is astounding! instant better posture! instantly looking like i lost 10 lbs! world peace! what can't a new bra do?
@cliuless I've been putting that off, but THIS WEEKEND. I'm having a bad underwire situation in 50% of my good bras, meaning 1 out of 2. And I don't even like the other one!
@Valley Girl go do it! i had the same issue (2 sad bras) and you feel so much better when everything is properly held up and strapped in. and all your clothes suddenly fit amazing.
@cliuless I just did the same thing, and it changed my life! I wouldn't shut up about it for weeks, and kept telling my husband, "Look at my boobs! LOOK! They are AWESOME. Look!"
@cliuless eee! I'm actually going to a bra boutique after work to try on new bras now that i know my real size (30c, not 32b) and I'm super excited. irrationally excited. I haven't had a bra fit me right in EVER, so this could be a Whole New Era.
I need to crowd-source some advice. I've been asked by my job to consider transferring to the London office. 1. London ex-pats with any thoughts? I don't know anyone in London (except 1 married dude who probably won't be much help in the socializing department). 2. If I decide to transfer, how much should my NYC-London cost of living adjustment be? They want me to suggest the COLA.
@Tuna Surprise Just moved from the UK to the USA. Food from a supermarket (espeically real food like vegetables) is MUCH cheaper. Eating out and drinking out is more expensive. Clothes, about the same. Electricity is more expensive, but you won't heat/cool as much, and devices are more efficient, so it works out cheaper overall. Taxes are higher, but FREE HEALTHCARE is the bestest. Rent, depends where you live and what you want. Always consult a local before signing somewhere. Driving is more expensive, but public transport will be fine. Services (dry cleaning, haircuts etc) are more expensive too. Don't forget to ask for a rise that covers tickets home to the USA once a year. Good luck!!!
@Tuna Surprise I AM SO JEALOUS. it is my dream to be forced to live in London for professional reasons instead of having to jump into it without any concrete plans.
I spent a summer there recently (and I currently live in NYC), so while i can't tell you exactly what to expect, I can tell you that things are similarly priced in NYC and London but you have to keep in mind that £1 = $1.6, so everything feels that much more expensive. A $5 sandwich in NYC will be £5 in London, which is really more like $7.50
@Tuna Surprise YES! I lived in London for about a year a couple of years ago and loved it.
That said, assume the following re: costs -
Rent - multiply NY by 1.25, double the price of utilities
Food - if you live in Manhattan, it's probably even. If you live in one of the outer boroughs, assume a 20-25% increase in the cost of food, particularly if you will be living in/near Central London.
Clothes - roughly equivalent
Transportation - assume an extra 50% on top of your current costs
That probably doesn't help give you the overall percentage, but that's about what it cost for me (although the exchange rate is better now).
Another option, if they're willing to do it, is to keep your salary the same, but have them cover housing/utilities (that's what I did - it basically worked out to be even when accounting for other costs).
Thanks all for the encouragement! I kinda want to go but I'm hesitant to make such a big move (and with a 2 year commitment).
@Ophelia - thanks for the specifics. I own my apt in Manhattan so living in NYC for me is relatively cheap. I figure it will cost $1500 more a month to live in a comparable apt in central London.
@Tuna Surprise London is EXPENSIVE and BIG and kinda shite weather. If you do it, make sure your salary is boosted commenserate with your added expenses. And ask them to help you find a place maybe? I'm not a big fan, except EUROPE.
@Tuna Surprise I also do know that when they list real estate, they list rent by the week. You pay by the month, but the prices they list will be a price per week to live there.
@Tuna Surprise I lived there for a year and a half, and parts of it I loved, but most of it I wasn't stoked on. The people were typical big-city snobs and I didn't make many friends despite my outgoing nature (that actually seemed to make it worse - I felt a lot of "ugh, AMERICAN" when I was around). The winters were really hard for me too - it's really far north, and the nights start really early. Weather's pretty crap, food is meh, it's ridiculously expensive, but if your job pays well it's not expensive to take long weekends in other parts of Europe which I'm sure would be fabulous. So, 1/3 of me says "awesome!" while 2/3s of me says "oooh, uh, no"
@Tuna Surprise I think x1.5 for rent. Especially if you're sensitive about... safety in transitional areas. Don't forget transportation and remember that London is much more spread out than NYC, so think about where your friends live and where you like to go out as well as where you work -- and choose a flat based on how you will get to those places and home at night. Tubes and taxis are SO MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE than subways and cabs. I eat out a lot in NYC, but in London I definitely considered it more of a luxury. Ditto cabs/taxis.
@Tuna Surprise As a Londoner, maybe don't live in central London? It's much more expensive- like absurdly- and doesn't really give you better access to shops and things the way it does in some other cities. It'll just make it harder to go grocery shopping and make everything more expensive. And the people are more likely to be jerks. So long as you live somewhere with good travel links- and almost everywhere does- you'll be okay. I live in Brent, and it takes me twenty minutes or so to get to work near Tottenham Court road, if the Jubilee line's running.
Ugh, I'm not actually an authority, so obviously do research and stuff, but keep that in mind! Also: London really is lovely, I promise.
Today I called out a fellow grad student (male, about 7 years older than me) for being condescending by calling me "dear." I shouldn't feel bad about that, right? I need some reassurance because I am NOT confrontational AT ALL and then he argued with me about it for about 15 minutes. *sigh*
@phenylalanine You should not feel bad about that! "Dear" is super condescending especially coming from dudes who are older (ESPECIALLY when they're your peers, guh) and you are awesome for calling him out on it.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher dear is never ok, and sweetie is only alright from the hot barrista at sbux who thinks i'm super classy for ordering caramel macchiatos.
@everyone Oh goodness thank you all. I mean, by the end of the conversation he had definitely agreed to not call me that anymore. But I think he still believes that it's okay in general? Like, his argument was that he uses it for everyone... but no, in his world women are "sweetie, honey, dear" and men are "bro, dude." WHICH, THAT IS NOT OKAY AT ALL, but I didn't even know how to tackle THAT issue, so one thing at a time I guess. :(
@phenylalanine Thank you ladies! for these affirming responses!
I once had a guy pat me on my head at a bar while smiling. I told him not to touch me, and my FRIENDS said I overreacted? Yeah, don't much like being touched/condescended to by strangers.
When similar situations occur with someone you work with, the confrontation is probably much worse.
@phenylalanine One of my (friendly) customers called me "princess" the other day, which he calls everyone, including my grungy, older, male co-worker and my immediate response was, "That's not my name, who the fuck are you?" I was mostly kidding but wtf I never heard him say that before, and he was really shocked and insisted BUT I CALL EVERYONE PRINCESS but dude, nobody would ever call you princess unless they were obviously joking. basically dudes get fucking defensive about that shit no matter what, slog through it, make your point, you've done us all a service.
@phenylalanine I once got on an older work contact's case for calling me "sweetheart." He was amused and told my boss about it (who was also amused), but he never did it again -- and I think he took me more seriously.
@squid v. whale Once some middle aged dude in a bar called me "spirited" and CONGRATULATED my boyfriend. Still wish I had punched him in the face. Spiritedly.
@phenylalanine Oh, you were being confrontational all right. AND SO YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN! Good for you. *big internet high five and all the reassurance*
SO....I am thinking about making a major (MAJOR) career change after struggling a bit and being unemployed and a bit at loose ends with my previous career path. Is anyone here a licensed massage therapist?
@Bebe I have two different friends who have recently graduated from massage therapy school and love it. They feel like they're really making a difference/helping people in a tangible way, and there's a lot of different places you could go with it. Particularly if you were to work at a doctor's office or chiropractor you would be looking at decent health insurance, which is so nice to have.
On a tangential note, I am also looking at starting to get the education for a real grown-ass woman career and am feeling a little wobbly/anxious about it. But what's helping me is visualizing the end result, when I feel daunted at the prospect of 9 years of school. /end the ALL ABOUT ABOUT ME portion of the comment.
@Bebe My mom did a huge career change a couple of years ago and is now a licensed massage therapist; she LOVES it. One huge bit of advice is to look carefully at the schools; more time + more money does NOT necessarily = better education. My mom went to a fairly inexpensive school that fits all of the courses into an intensive 9 months, and the school's graduates have a nearly-100% pass rate on the licensing exam.
..I know this is a topic that has been covered a million times before.. but what is the socially accepted public hair grooming situation for one-night stands?
Also, do women really get waxed down there that often? Because what are the other options?
@nyikin I say go with whatever makes you most comfortable. Aim for whatever will make you worry least about that, because that should be the last thing in your mind. When you're not worried about your body, or the way it should look, or what the other person thinks about it, then you can focus on having fun. Which is the point of a one-night stand.
@nyikin eh, i hit the whole situation with clippers every few months and call it a day. sometimes if i'm feeling really fancy i'll shave everything off too. WHO HAS TIME?! and really, who wants to have a stranger see their bits and then cover them with hot wax?
@nyikin I think as long as it's neat, you're fine. After all, it doesn't matter how a one-night stand feels about your pubic hair because they're not going to see it again. It only matters that they turn the light off when they leave and don't try to steal any quarters from your change jar.
@nyikin - All of the cool kids are doing a reverse mohawk these days. I swear I'm not making this up in hopes of starting a bizarre and ridiculous trend, not at all.
@nyikin I swear it's not a major statement and I occasionally do attend to my body hair but in the last month all I can remember doing is shaving my pits. I had the craziest seventies bush when I met my man and he did not give two shits, nor do, I think, a lot of men.
@nyikin I definitely always feel sexier when I trim it up down there, but I usually just shave outside the bikini line, and buzz the rest so it looks a little tidier. It seriously makes me feel like a pornstar to attend to my ladybits even that much, which is hilarious. But I'm not entirely convinced that my dude even really notices anything different, other than that I'm crawling all over him.
@NeenerNeener I would really like somebody to shave the man symbol into their crotch, pointing downwards. you know the man symbol? like, the greek symbol for mars or whatever?
I would just find that hilarious. maybe I should do it and then have a whole bunch of one night stands and see how well it goes over
@Third Wave Housewife i'm on a 5-month dry spell and haven't groomed since the last time, so it's like the Amazon down there. I can barely see the tops of my legs. Rrrroooowwrrr.
DVR Alert: "Carla" from Scrubs is playing the mom in a Lifetime movie about the high schooler who faked being knocked up in "The Pregnancy Project".
Speaking of bad Lifetime movies, did anybody watch the Rob Lowe as Drew Petersen one from last weekend? I haven't watched yet but apparently there was some Grade A cheese involved that has now hit the ONTD Gif circuit.
I'm having a resurge of insistent thoughts about my (life-long) blood injury phobia, thanks in part I think to all the wheat I'm eating, which is also like permanent PMT symptoms. Only a week more of eating wheat and feeling like I have to hide sharp things. Any tips?
Edited to add - no self harming going on, in case anyone is worried. More like these sharp things will attack me/I will fall on them somehow. Stupid brain.
I have ONE BILLION tiny disgusting problems right now, seriously. I am all butterflies because my Winter Boyfriend is headed over to spent the night. It is snowing 30cm and freezing rain is coming later. My adviser has not returned ANY of my emails about meeting and GOING OVER MY CHAPTERS. My landlady is a freakshow raging harpy, who trapped me on the bus this morning and told me all about how "therapy is useless" (SHE IS A PSYCH PHD STUDENT, I SWEAR TO GOD I CAN'T EVEN.)
I'm huuuuuungry. I don't want to do anything but read fun books but I can't, this weekend I have to wooooork I AM SO FUCKING DONE WITH THIS ENTIRE PROCESS, I WANT TO THROW MY THESIS INTO THE RIVER.
@The Lady of Shalott I believe this is a good time to Take A Sexy Break And Worry About Your Thesis Later. Hooray for Winter Boyfriends on cold snowy nights!
@The Lady of Shalott Uh, I would fight somebody for that weather and an exciting evening with a sexy man. Granted, my man is quite sexy but for the most part whenever we are together for the evening we are both exhausted and sad because shitty jobs.
@The Lady of Shalott The good news is that you are at the point of wanting to throw your thesis in a river, which means that you will soon have a breakthrough and everything will fall into place. You're almost there! The break with Winter Boyfriend will be just the the thing you need.
i am moving to europe for the next four years in a week and am oscillating wildly between super excited and kind of sad and nervous. i have TONS of experience moving to new places (moved around a lot as a kid, spent summers in college in all different cities, moved to another country after college) but i'm just kind of tired, you know? it's hard work, figuring out your life and building a community and all that. it feels like i'm constantly missing someone and feeling clueless.
@plonk have a wonderful time! i wish i could follow in one of your suitcases. and it's four years, so at least you know you'll be settling for a little bit.
So rando question, is there a point where a single man owns too many cats? My brother just took in his third stray and I am wondering if that is over the line? I don't think so but some of our friends have told him he is over the line.
Also, they have implied that no lady would want to date him. Is this true? I hope not, I want my brother to be happy! Context on his personality - he is kind of a stereotype of a dudebro (contractor, drives a jacked up truck, watches a lot of sports) but also loves his cats and talking about feelings etc. Soooo I understand the jacked up truck might be a deal breaker but what about the cats??
@LRMG I would say that as long as his place smells clean and not like Too Many Cats, he probably doesn't have Too Many Cats. Also, cats can be lady magnets.
@LRMG it's a liitle offbeat, but it's cute. anyone who holds loving cats as bad is weird. that said, i have three cats. i think a lot of men don;t have cats because they are afraid of being girly. when my husband and i moved in together we got cats and he was thrilled.
@LeafySeaDragon My boyfriend loves cats and he is quite manly. He had four when he was with his ex-wife and he misses them. I had two cats when we met, and he recently adopted a stray, so now we have three.
He also had a dog, but eh...dogs. They make me sneezy.
I agree with @The Everpresent Wordsnatcher though; if his place is clean, he's all good.
Stereotypical dudebro/manly man who works with his hands
+ adorable dedication to his cats
+ soft, marshmallow heart that can't bear the thought of a stray going unloved
_____________________________________________________________________________
(1)Dudes who are dumb and have never owned one. Because once you own a cat, you learn that they are actually awesome.
(2)Dudes who pretend like they hate cats because they once, in the hardest days of their life, befriended a stray, and thought the stray had a distended belly even though it was obvs pregnancy, but dudes are dumb. Then, the cat gave birth, and dude and his roommate kept two of the kittens and the single mom. Single mom belonged to the dude, but after a year (she was only, like, 2.5 yrs old at this point, I mean, in theory, in this hypothetical situation) got some kind of weird cat cancer. Luckily there was a friend of family vet who could help out (it turns out feline oncologists are even a thing) to make things okay for a few months, but one day dude had to take off work to take his cat and hold her paw while. Ya know. And now dude just visits his old roommates and the kittens, her kittens, and has a picture of her in the back of his room and may be crying at this desk and has to go smoke a cigarette and
What I meant to say is some people pretend they hate pets cuz they don't wanna go through the loss again.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Oooohhh good point. No when I go over to his house it doesn't smell and he does also have a housecleaner every other week. So thanks everyone!
@LRMG Cat dudes are the best. Were I single, I wouldn't hook up with anyone who didn't like my 3.
@leon.saintjean Your example of dude #2 sounds awesome. I mean, you know, this hypothetical picture you've painted.
@leon.saintjean Oooohhhhh now you are bringing back those memories of being in the vet when you have to say goodbye. We grew up with cats so ... multiple times of being there. But I try and think about stuff like waking up to have a cat sleeping next to my head and petting it while it purrs. Oh cats, they have so many quiet joys to share.
@LRMG My husband has three cats, and even though I'm not a cat person I found it endearing when we first started dating. And since living with three cats, I am sort of now a cat person.
@hairspin Not an excuse. Allergies are so treatable. Everyone I know who "had to" get rid of their cats because they had allergies refused to take medication and use simple dander reduction methods. [Highly allergic person who didn't know until after her cats were all grown up and crazy and not cute, so will never be adopted]. I'm slightly snotty/itchy if I spend 2-3 straight days watching TV with a cat on my lap, but otherwise fine.
@catfoodandhairnets Funnily enough, Asthma allergies to cats are not highly treatable. My husband can tell if there is a single hair carried in on our person. He has to puff away at his inhaler. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cat detection.
Seriously though, he would have to be hospitalised if he spends more than 24 hours in a house with a cat. It's kind of hard getting that message across to people. It's not like snuffling. It's like peanut level allergy.
@feartie My allergist has "never met anyone with respiratory allergies that couldn't work around them". She fixed me. Try a new doc. For serious. There are a lot who just say get rid, but I think they're lazy. Even severe respiratory allergies are not in the same realm as a true food (eg, peanut) or drug allergy. My old one was the same way. I have 2 inhalers, 2 nose sprays, 2 pills, and if I use them all I'm perfect. I can cut out one of the pills and one of the nose sprays and be pretty good. Doing shots soon to hopefully reduce the meds:) I'm not saying it's easy, just that it's not impossible.
@feartie And I don't mean you should GET cats, or that if you can find existing cats a good home you really HAVE to keep them. I just know it's often an excuse for getting rid of pets people can't be bothered with.
@LRMG: I'm going to be a dissenting voice and say that 3 cats is A Lot of Cats. I grew up with 1-4 cats in the house at any one time. Cats are cool, no doubt... it helps to have many house mates. One guy, 3 cats? That's going to put some people off, unless they are willing to get to know him.
@catfoodandhairnets I think the bad luck we had was that, when we were living in the US, we didn't have health insurance. Stupidly fell in love with a dog (my husband didn't have a recorded allergy, just mild problems) we wanted her so badly we took her.
Then, of course, and we were stupid, but so in love with the idea of a dog...we had the terrible situation of my husband having to take his inhaler every hour. His preventative inhaler more than four times a day (he takes it normally twice a day, otherwise the asthma is out of hand)
We had no doctor to turn to. My husband couldn't sleep. We cleaned every surface twice a day. Looked into little bitty body suits for the dog to wear. Husband got worse. Sprayed anti-dander liquid, washed the dog in anti-dander shampoo once a day. Husband woke up in the night have a major attack, and we couldn't afford to do anything about it, other than wait it out.
The dog went to a family we carefully vetted. House upstate with a garden. They send us regular updates. Our dog wearing a Christmas suit, playing with the kids in the snow. We couldn't cope, but we did the best thing we could.
@Too Much Internet I'm going to vote with you, and it has nothing to do with him being a boy. 3 cats is A Lot of cats, and if a non cat liking lady comes over, that could be...alarming for her.
@LRMG No way- 3 cats is awesome! It sounds like he's a caring person? If a person doesn't like that about him, then she's probably not right for him/not worth being with anyways!
@LRMG
SO, where exactly does your brother live?
How old is he?
Is he interested in a long-term committed childless relationship?
In other words, cat-guys are HOT!
@thebestjasmine But if he's a Cat Person, he's better off dating only ladies who like cats, because what if he fell in love with someone who didn't? I could never be with someone who doesn't like cats, because I don't want to live without them.
Hey, remember this from last week? Yeah, well Potential Girl Of My Dreams #2 cancelled within 20 minutes. And then proceeded to not call all weekend. And now I feel like I can't ask her if she wants to do anything this weekend because I already ended last weekend with a "let me know when you have free time and we'll schedule something" and the ball is in her court. Ugh, I hate these games.
Also, I may or may not have sent her an email on Monday from my phone. Normally, this if fine but the email was sent with the (potentially embarassing) nickname I have for her in my phone as the "To" line. And then she didn't asnwer... I didn't know this was going to happen! Beware phones from which you send emails that might reveal your secret nicknames for people!
Oh, and I got into a fight with one of my best friends because she was drunk and went from "Do you want to be a black person?" to "You want to be a black person." to "You think you're a black person." over the course of the evening. Best week ever!
@LeafySeaDragon Haha. No! I just really, really like rap music! And I know it makes me sound like that guy that guy, but I so am not! I dress and speak like a normie!
@shhhhk Yeah, neither do I. I will say that it's not the first time someone has said these words to me. But it hasn't happened since I was about 16. And I find that when people say these things it reveals a lot more about their issues than mine. I'm not worried about how I come across. I put feelings aside, I know who I am.
And yeah, she kind of is an asshole. But I'm trying not to throw the friend out with the asshole-water... or whatever.
@ReginalTSquirge@twitter I have done that with the nicknames, which is how one of my friends knew my nickname for her was "Asshole McGee." It was kind of awesome because I wanted that friendship to end anyway...obviously.
@Too Much Internet I meant a normal person within his/her own culture that does not misappropriate other cultures/dialects. Not "a normal person who doesn't speak like a black person". The whole thing is a minefield of how one should act/speak but I generally don't appreciate having my authenticity questioned. I could even see if you've known me for 5 seconds but we've known each other for years.
I tried to explain that I love the shit I love/act the way I act/live the way I live because it's fucking cool. Any consideration of race/culture is secondary, at most. Basically, I fux with Jay-Z because he's the coolest motherfucker of all time. Not because he's black/I want to be black or some other nonsense.
Now I'm worried that my mind has irreversably placed my friend in that box of people that separates others (which is separation in itself, I know) and it's near-impossible to become un-racist in my eyes once you have said/done something racist.
You know that feeling where you don't want to go somewhere noisy but still don't want to stay home because you're an extrovert and like being around people? That's where I am right now.
@Daisy Razor Hah! That's excellent. And another reason why I should visit Boston.
@thenotestaken I'm definitely a book-reading-in-the-cafe type, you guessed me well. I think I might do that for a while, go see The Artist and then meet a couple friends for diner coffee. Solitude meets social.
@Bus Driver Stu Benedict I'm going to make my boyfriend take me to Tres Gatos this weekend! He moved to Boston a few months ago and Trident is our favorite brunch spot so far. We haven't gotten around to exploring much yet, so this is an exciting idea.
if you were looking for an unpaid internship, had an interview scheduled at 9:30AM on a tuesday, and got an email at 9:21 (when you were already at the office) saying that your potential boss was going to have to reschedule, how would you feel about this internship? would you go for it still? would you be wary? would you be pissed? (i was)
@alphabiddycity Also unless he/she had a good reason or apology then that says two things 1. that they aren't going to take you seriously and might lead them to give you good tasks which makes your internship pointless and 2. they might be a disorganized mess which you would be best to avoid.
@shhhhk Once, many moons ago, I went for a job interview at a magazine in NYC and took the day off of my current job so I could commute in on the train, and I got there early and everything and THE OFFICE WAS CLOSED even though me and my interviewer went back and forth, like 10 times. Is Tuesday good for you? Yes, Tuesday is perfect! Alright I will see you on Tuesday at 11:30! 11:30 on Tuesday! I'll be there! Tuesday! I had to stand there pathetically with the doorman while I emailed her being like "wtf" because I only had her office number, and then left....and came back the next day because she was like "OMFG I AM SO SORRY". And then nothing came of it. This doesn't help you at all....I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe I should have been like "no." but I still went for it and still didn't get the job. WAH.
@shhhhk Once in college, I had a phone interview for an internship with a Fortune 500 company. Then...no call. I got a call a few hours later asking to reschedule, I remarked that no one called me and the lady rescheduling apologized and said the phone interviewer was sick and they thought they rescheduled everyone (but forgot about me). So I said ok, we rescheduled.
Next phone interview date, I get a call on time...to reschedule again. Because they were really busy.
So we rescheduled. The third time, I got the call, started going into my phone spiel...and stopped. I apologized and said I couldn't do this interview because if this is what they are like when they are trying to woo prospective hires, then I wasn't sure I'd actually want to be a hire there.
In retrospect, it was a little pompous of me, but moreover I was thinking, if I did this phone interview the THIRD time and still didn't get it...man.
Anyway, give them another chance, but three strikes...?
Hi, internet ladyfriends. My personal life is going a little haywire right now and really tripping off my anxiety/intense guilt gland/depression, ie. crying at my desk for no reason for the past hour.
Advice on dealing with anxiety attacks & depressive episodes/distractions/hugs would be much appreciated.
@Third Wave Housewife If you're having an anxiety attack, physically move from where you are. For me, getting out of that headspace has almost always required moving from the physical space as well.
@sarabara Thirding the "just move" advice and adding: write it down. All of it. All the whirling, circular nonsensical things in your head, just write it all down. This will probably make you cry, which is OK. Cry and write and write and cry and just get it out.
@chrysopoeia Yes, movement is key. My therapist told me that whenever I had a panic attack at work, I had to get up and get myself a cup of tea, which sounds completely ridiculous. But it helped! Beverage choice is up to you, obviously.
And it sounds hippie-dippy, but I really like yoga, if only for getting the tension out of my muscles and helping me sleep.
@sarabara Awww, have totally been there very recently!!! It's so hard, but do something awesome for yourself and remember that you're the only person you have any control over. Anyone who doesn't respect your values and treasure you for YOU, is not worthy of basking in the fabulous glow of your sun.
@sarabara gahhh thank you all...this site is wonderful.
Re: movement, I'm stuck at work for the next half hour, sadly, which is a part of the problem....I have been pacing a little bit and it helps. but i think once I get out of here I'll feel a bit better.
@sarabara Big hugs, go for a walk, crawl under your desk and sit in the fetal position for a while, call your doctor (if you've got one/got health insurance) and say you need anti-anxiety pills, repeat.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Growing up, there was a corgi breeder near my house. Imagine coming home from an angsty day at school to A GIANT HOARD OF CORGI PUPPIES running at you, snuffling and wagging and curious.
I have to write some measly 300 words to apply for a fellowship/assistantship. I'm not even accepted to grad school yet but they want me for an interview...how do I do a grad school interview?!
@Lady_Terminator Be prepared with plenty of questions to ask them. Try to go in with the mindset that you belong there, deserve to be there, and it's their job to sell you on why they need YOU. Be prepared to not only talk about your strengths but also to give specific, relevant examples of times when you demonstrated those strengths on a project or whatever.
@Emby yeah I'm not good at talking about my strengths, what the hell are my strengths? Internet marathons until 5am? I don't really feel confident about myself at all. I can try to fake it until I make it but I really need to figure out my actual strengths or something...
Made a big career decision this week, after suffering my first job-related panic attack (which felt all the world like a heart attack, actually, and it scared the shit out of me). Now I just need to figure out how to pay for both nutrition school and yoga teaching certification, plus how I'm going to work them in while still working my day job. Whatever. Details. Long story short, my job is killing me, and I need to get out of it.
@kayjay I just posted above about making a major life change, career-wise. I'm thinking of becoming a massage therapist. I'm currently not working, but my last job did the same thing to me that your current one is doing to you, and the thought of going back into the same industry, just....gah. I can't.
We can do this, right? We can totally do this. (Right?)
@Third Wave Housewife I mean, it might not kill me immediately, but it's destroying my health slowly but surely.
At first, I started thinking, "Wow, being alone 20 hours a day sounds MAGICALLY WONDERFUL!" Then I realized even I, a big ol' hermit, would start feeling crazy after day two. Kind of like if I had to be in the hole at Alcatraz (I just started watching that show, and I love it).
@Bebe I think the only thing to do is just to start doing it. That's my thought. I've made a list. Number one is meeting with a loan rep from my credit union. Just keep crossing them off. Don't try to over think it, and don't get scared by the big picture. Just cross things off the list, one at a time. We can do this. We can totally do this.
@Third Wave Housewife I had a night-shift job and it fucking sucks and yes, the isolation can be the worst. I'm going to sound like an overbearing aunt, but are you taking melatonin pills? Apparently, that's important.
@kayjay Same boat except I am too chicken to leave my current industry and start anew, so am just trying to find a job at a company that is a little more supportive. A boss who actually speaks to me would be nice.
@kayjay I've been to see an admissions counselor at the best school in my area, and have all the information and the application and everything. This weekend, my husband and I are going to sit down and really talk it all through. He just started a new job this week, and it's been pretty intense, so lots of change going on right now which is good, but also SCARY.
@Bebe Massage therapy has some real drawbacks, though. My best friend is one, and apparently as a career most therapists don't last very long, in terms of a lifelong career, more like 10-15 years, max. She massages freelance (I think that's the right word? Moonlights, maybe?) in her spare time, but she also works a day job, and that's as much as her hands/wrists can take. Ironically making other people's bodies feel amazing can really screw up your joints, resulting in the need for physical therapy. I hate to put a damper on your plans, but apparently it's that profession's deep dark secret. So you might have to switch careers again at some point in the future again.
@ilikemints Thanks - I had considered this, actually, and it is a pretty big concern. But one of the reasons I am interested in doing this is because it will allow me the freedom to work part time and dedicate myself to my real first love, fiction writing. So, if I can get 10 years out of it and still write, it might work.
Incomplete collection of things I've rediscovered this week as great:
1. Fuck You by Cee Lo Green
2. Shit Karl Pilkington Says (this is actually Karl Pilkington, not somebody imitating him)
3. Craft beer. Please someone come over and have craft beers with me.
4. Half-sour pickles.
And I said fuck it to an enhanced license, I'm going for a passport, because my mom thinks I am dying and sent me $300 so fuck it, passport.
@Third Wave Housewife Shit Karl Pilkington Says??? As excited I am about the prospect of this, isn't The Ricky Gervais Show basically Shit Karl Pilkington Says?
Half-sours are so right. So very right. I made a sandwich the other day with tempeh fake bacon, spinach, vegenaise and half-sours, and it blew my mind.
@kayjay whoah I am about to go to wegmans just to make that. I have one pickle left and I think it is going on my grocery list again this week. As are all those tasty things and maybe some Vitamin D supplements to see if they help my night-shift misery.
And yes of course it is but this is especially good shit.
Okay, so I'm about to go snowboarding for the second time ever tonight, and while I would usually go with my equally inexperienced friend, she is under the weather and opting out. So now my boyfriend really wants to go with me, but he knows what he's doing and I'm still in that Determined To Not Let Him See Me Be Bad At Stuff stage, and am horrified by the idea of him even being on the mountain at the same time as me. I know I'm being stupid and I should let him teach me some things, but UGH, humiliating!! Tell me reasonable things, Pinners!! Assuage/berate my irrational feelings!
My boyfriend wants to go snowboarding too and I've never been plus have zero sense of balance. Yet...I just tell myself, whatever? If I fall down and make an ass out of myself, who will care in a week? or even tomorrow. And if he makes fun of you for it, you have your answer.
@Jane Err Please just have fun and laugh at yourself a lot and know that you will get better and it will be fun! It's great that your bf wants to go with you. Just go at your own pace and stay the hell on the bunny slope. And don't forget to laugh a lot!!!
@Jane Err Try to fall down cutely? He'll feel all manly teaching you something?
I totally get the must-look-competent-at-all-things stage, for me it usually lasts for months. But this is something you're genuinely new at, I say give it a go!
@Lady_Terminator @hairspin @gobblegirl You're all correct! I know this! STILL HORRIFIED! He definitely won't be making fun of me for it (not meanly, anyway). So I am going! And I'm going to fall adorably and laugh a lot.
And I'll be thinking of you all when we're having beers at the base lodge! I wish you could be there.
@Lady_Terminator Also, funny anecdotal side note: the scariest part for me, is seriously getting off of the chairlift. I swear, last time I went I briefly thought "This is my life now. I'll live here, on this chair, and my true friends will visit me."
Also I'm mildly traumatized because I thought that this teenage beginner dude and I had bonded over our inability to stay upright, but about 10 minutes later when I fell down HE LAUGHED AND POINTED AT ME.
@Jane Err - Seconding everything everyone said above! Except maybe trying to fall cutely, I don't know about you, but falling down in snowpants and a bulky snowboarding jacket while both my feet are attached to one heavy thing sort of precludes being cute for me, but perhaps you are small and just that adorable. Point is, letting your boyfriend help you learn to snowboard will be excellent bonding and stuff, and then later you can show him your (inevitable) bruises and he can be all proud of you for toughing it out. :) Have fun!
I really really want to talk to you ladies about what happened this morning but this is really personal and although I love how we 'Pinners all share personal things with each other, this is the Internet and WHAT IF SOMEONE I KNOW READS IT? Waaah.
@Jane Err Hm...see, it's not so much about characters and institutions, it's about ME and FEELINGS and a BODY-RELATED THING. A thing which may have been talked about a lot in several posts and comment threads over the past few days. I considered asking A Lady about it so I could be anonymous, but it's not so much that I have a problem, it's that I want to talk about it and find out about everyone's experiences with said Thing, because many of you have had such experiences and you are all so fabulous about everything. GAH.
Why did I build my username out of personally identifiable information? Stupid Jen.
@jen325 It's true, you are compromised, internet-ly. I now know that your name is Jen, and that you like Arrested Development, and that you have 325. . uh. . cats. . .?
I will find you and make you tell me your secrets to my EYES!
@jen325 Don't worry, there are lots of Jens in my life, I can't decide which one you are. (But seriously, I understand your apprehension. Share as much as you feel comfortable, no pressure.)
@Jane Err Jen, whose birthday is March 25th? Jen, who was born in the year 2325, but won't tell us what happens in the future because something something timeline? Jen, who was born in the year 1325, and it secretly a vampire? After which I am out of guesses that don't involve area codes and street numbers, like 325 Jen Street?
@jen325 I'm pretty sure it's not as identifying as you think! I encourage you to share if you want information, because we are quite friendly and open on here, but do not feel that sharing is The Objectively Right Thing To Do if it is really freaking you out.
@Third Wave Housewife No, my last name isn't 325 but it's something. Anyway, people I know probably won't read this post anyway, so I'm probably just being paranoid.
SO I found out this morning that I'm pregnant. I don't want children, never have. I talked it over with my boyfriend and he's totally respectful of my decision to terminate the pregnancy. He doesn't want me to be a mother if I don't want to. Even if I did change my mind, though he would love to have a child with me, he recognizes that it would be a bad idea for several other reasons. He's already got kids (he's in the process of divorce), so his bad feelings about abortion are MUCH less now than they were when he was young (one of his old girlfriends had one, and he was torn up about it).
I am 100% certain that I DO NOT want to have a baby. Nevertheless, I'm having a lot of feelings about this, some of which appear on the surface to conflict with one another.
1. I've had a lot of unprotected sex in this and other serious relationships, and assumed I was infertile because I was never as careful as I should have been. So it's nice to know my body works.
2. I've heard that the body's natural state is pregnancy, so I think maybe this is good for me? I'm in my late 30's, have never been pregnant, and only ever used hormonal birth control for a few months.
3. I've dreamed of being pregnant (literally, like while I sleep), and I've always been drawn to the idea of it. I'm curious. I want to know what it feels like, physically and emotionally.
4. I will not carry this pregnancy past the first trimester, but I sort of want to let it go as long as I can because I want to be pregnant for awhile.
5. HOLY SHIT there is something growing inside me that would become a whole other person (if I were to let it go to term, that is), and that is magical and amazing.
6. My boyfriend is the first man I've ever been in a relationship with who is worthy of fathering my child. Our relationship is wonderful and healthy and fulfilling. The fact that this would-be human is a product of our love makes me love it despite the fact that I'm going to abort it. And I'm going to abort it despite the fact that I love it.
I've known about this for less than 24 hours, and I'm sure to have more thoughts and feelings about it. I have to go now, but thanks so much to those of you who prodded me to share. I'm glad I got this out. I love you all! :)
@jen325 "I've known about this for less than 24 hours"
Wow, that is not a lot of time to come to terms with something ginormous, no wonder you're still reeling! It's not only totally fine, but THE BEST THING YOU COULD DO FOR YOURSELF to take plenty of time to process this.
@jen325 *hugs* Just one thing (aside from the natural state of the body not being pregnancy, that's not A Thing): If you're at all on the fence about terminating or aren't terminating right away, you should seek prenatal care. It will help catch anything that might be going dangerously wrong, and it will keep you healthy. I mean, pregnancy is your body building another body--the toll it can take isn't small potatoes. Take care of yourself, jen.
@jen325 I must say this purely as a sex and reproductive health educator- get to a doctor as soon as you can to have your options laid out and to make sure everything is normal (ie not an ectopic pregnancy, in which case you will need treatment pretty soon). Letting a pregnancy that you plan to terminate go on for longer than it has to has major drawbacks- your options as to the method of termination shrink as time passes, and depending on the laws in your geographic location, you might find yourself scrambling to meet requirements or get an appointment in time. Also, do you know EXACTLY how far along you are? A doctor's appointment can tell you that, and getting up near the second trimester is pretty risky in terms of law, options for termination, etc. BUT, you are a grown ass woman and should make the decision that feels right for you!
Glad you got it out- I'm sure other pinners will have interesting feedback and nicer things to say than I do!
@jen325 Oh sweetie! That's so much to deal with in a day! Definitely take time and think about what you really want/feel/think/are, and know that no matter what you're making the right decision, whatever it is!!
@jen325 Big big hugs to you. The only advice that I'll give, because you don't need strangers telling you what to do with your body, is with regard to #4, you should err on the side of sooner rather than later, because the later it gets the harder it can get in some states to terminate, especially with funding cuts and limited availability. Good luck, and big Hairpin filled hugs (not literally, that would be prickly).
(hah, and other people said this better than I did while I was typing. Love you Hairpin people.)
@jen325 Wow, thanks so much for sharing, and you seem incredibly capable of making the right decision for yourself.
All I can say is that it makes sense to have a whole bunch of conflicting feelings. In fact at this stage, that's probably a good thing. Lots of love and hugs to you!
@jen325 Big, big hugs. Maybe take the weekend to think over what you want? It doesn't seem like that would have any medical implications, and since it's Friday anyway, that way you get the weekend to be in your own head - however you want to be. Plus, we know you'll be OK, you definitely have your head screwed on just as wackily as the rest of us.
Even though I knew immediately that I did not want a baby, there were still some "wibbly" feelings leading up to it, but I realized pretty quickly that they weren't my truest feelings. Sometimes it's hard to trust yourself, especially when you know that what you really want is something that others will condemn. Don't let that affect your decision either way, but know that jitters do exist, that they are not the same as indecision (in the same way that wedding-day jitters do not equal second thoughts or uncertainty about marriage).
"I will not carry this pregnancy past the first trimester, but I sort of want to let it go as long as I can because I want to be pregnant for awhile."
I will say that this is a terrible idea for multiple reasons, the soundest of which are financial and legal. Your options narrow dramatically over time, and scheduling abortions/procedures/etc can take time as it is, so you cannot leave it to the last minute. Furthermore if you will be paying for this procedure out of pocket, it will be more expensive the further along you are. $350 at 12 weeks versus $500 a month later, etc. It will be more complicated and will have greater risk of complications. If you are absolutely sure that you do want to have an abortion, you should have it as soon as you reasonably can - and let me stress, that is ONCE you have decided that it is truly what you want.
And for the record, I regret nothing, and my relationship not only didn't fall apart, it grew stronger and we are still together nearly two years later. He would have been a good father then and maybe he will be someday, but that's not a good enough reason enough for me. Good luck lady!
@jen325 hugs and light your way, lady. You'll make the best decision for your life and your body, and that's what counts. You've got lots of 'pinners thinking of you!
@jen325 I think you should do what you want. I think if you are in a good relationship, you should tell your boyfriend first. If not, then, all I can say is that you aren't alone. If you need help, reach out. Planned Parenthood is generally a good place to talk about options and get support. I wish you luck and send my love.
WOW. You ladies are THE BEST. You're so sweet and supportive and offer such great advice. THANK YOU. Hugs all around!
For those of you who suggested I take some time to think about it, I understand where you're coming from. If I had any mixed feelings or was even the tiniest bit unsure what I wanted to do, taking time to make the right decision is absolutely essential because it's a horrible thing to live with if you come to regret it. Fortunately for me, I'm completely sure what I want to do. I'm 37 years old and have never wanted to have kids. When I was young I was open-minded enough to consider that I might change my mind at some point in the future when I found a man worthy of raising a child. But it never happened. By now I'm sure I'm never going to change my mind, and right now I take a lot of comfort in that certainty.
For those of you who suggested I not put it off once I'm sure of what I want to do, you're right. In hindsight, it wasn't smart of me to want to draw it out. I was letting my emotions cloud my decision-making. Thanks for talking some sense into me. :)
Thought I'd give you all an update since you were so sweet and helpful. I ended up miscarrying anyway. I got a stomach bug or food poisoning Tuesday night and had a pretty violent reaction. 10 hours of diarrhea and vomiting. During that ordeal I started bleeding more heavily (I'd been spotting for a couple days previous) and had severe cramping. Went to the hospital in the morning and they found out I'd had a partial miscarriage. I took medication to expel the rest of the pregnancy tissue. The fetus was already gone; I guess that happened during the sickness and I didn't notice.
It was a painful ordeal, but I'm glad it happened the way it did. Even though I was confident in my decision to have an abortion and I didn't have any guilty feelings about it, I feel better about the fact that it happened on its own.
Thanks again for all your advice and kind words. It really meant a lot to me. :)
@Third Wave Housewife Honestly, the stomach thing was pretty miserable. I never felt my health was in danger, so really the only scary thing was the fear that I might still be pregnant and thus have to pay for both the ER visit AND an abortion procedure soon thereafter. This is a bad time to be shelling out all that money, especially for a stupid mistake such as getting pregnant when you didn't intend it.
It's good to get a promotion, right? Is it good to get a tiny raise and double my workload until further notice? As in, "If you do good, we will hire someone to do your old job. Until then, you have to do both with a fraction of the eventual raise to come." UGH. I hate the corporate ladder. It's full of fat guys and vague instructions and stupid Hallmark card motivational jargon.
@OhShesArtsy You should try to get what "until further notice" means in real-time (in writing) ASAP. It's super-easy to get burned that way and just have both jobs become your job with that not-enough raise as compensation because hey, you're doing great and this means they don't have to pay someone new! Ask them for a timeline, when to expect a performance review, when your probationary period for the upgrade ends, whatever makes sense--but do it before they have a chance to get used to you just doing all this extra crap like it's your normal job.
@wharrgarbl Thanks for the advice, I will be sure to get this in writing. The timeline right now hinges on our imminent move to a larger office space which is slated to happen within the next month. I'm definitely being a squeaky wheel about it, I think I've asked my boss daily about how the move is going.
I was burned at another job when I took a new position after being told that it would lead to something better, then denied the better position/pay three times because "no one else can do [current position] like you!" Of course, I left them with a week's notice and, from what I hear, they are still scrambiling to replace me.
I don't mind work, but I hate all this career navigation. I keep reminding myself that this is what grown ladies do. Then I go home and cry with my cat and my beer. (Which is also what grown ladies do, right?)
Ok, done internet whining to strangers. It's pitiful. I'm done.
@OhShesArtsy If employers didn't have such a penchant for being mannerless curs about things like fair play and keeping their promises, it probably wouldn't be so hard.
If anyone cares at all (no one does) about the resolution of my href="http://thehairpin.com/2012/01/friday-open-thread-3#comment-192470">breakup dilemma from last week:
It is sorted out, and we are going to be friends and not date and I am okay with this (barring some future lapse).
After many days of texting (big mistake on my part – we kept texting each other about our days, as if we were still dating), I was a big ol mess and realllly missed him. We hung out on Wednesday, and it was super fun, though I was definitely falling back into girlfriend mode. After, I brought up whether this was weird or hard for him. His answer:
“No. You?”
So we had a talk, I explained where I was at (without saying I wanted to get back together, because it was clear that he didn’t). We talked about just cutting off contact, but that’s no fun, because he’s an awesome dude to hang out with if you don’t need him to be emotionally supportive or open! (Aka good friend, good bed guest, bad boyfriend). Then a miraculous thing happened! The conversation erased all the nostalgia I had, reminded me of what hadn’t worked with him, and now I don’t want to date him at all!
So now I just have to practice being his friend rather than acting like his girlfriend out of habit, and that’s it! We can be palz.
Huzzah!
@gobblegirl
Take a break! I promise the best thing you can ever do for exes-turned-into-friends is take a time out. Make a date with him one month from now and tell him you want to spend time alone until then.
Trust me...currently the guy I spend the most time with is an ex and I really worry I didn't spend enough time apart from him.
@Tuna Surprise Taking a break is something I really don’t want to do for other reasons – it would involve quitting a club we’re both in and otherwise making a few lifestyle changes that would suck – so the price of having it be slightly awkward for a little while is worth it for right now. So hopefully it’ll work out.
@gobblegirl
I hear you. I work with my ex so we see each other most days. It can be really hard because sometimes we will end up talking about work things and it gets silly and fun and all I can think is "THIS GUY IS AWESOME!!!" and it's hard not to love him anymore. I try to do things on a daily basis to remind myself we aren't together and aren't ever going to get back together. And hopefully, when he finds someone new, I'll be able to take the news tear free.
So, my best friend is getting married tonight (whee!!), and at last night's rehearsal dinner, the following things happened: the groom's father told me I look JUST like Gabby Giffords, the best man's pants fell to his ankles while standing out on St. Charles Avenue in Uptown New Orleans, and the bride ended up in bed with my mother. Just thought I'd share.
It's Friday! Hooray! And I am full of questions, like:
what's going on (but not too going on) in Chicago this weekend?
does anyone have any secret and spectacular recipe websites (especially for making baked goods)?
and
would you like to check out my friend's blog please? because she's chasing her (completely achievable) dream of being a writer, and I think that's awesome!
hope everyone has a great weekend! :)
@iwearaFEZnow Don't call me a hippie, but everything that springs from the brain of Isa Chandra Moskowitz or Terry Hope Romero is delicious, and I really dig chocolate mint, so chocolate candy cane cookies! Make these but before baking, roll/press each ball of dough in a bowl of shattered candy canes (make em pretty small or nothing will stick). DELICIOUS!
@iwearaFEZnow I really like the King Arthur Flour blog, they have great recipes and really explain technique. My favorite cookbook writer for baking is Dorie Greenspan (I already linked to one of her recipes up top), I've made a lot of her stuff and only one thing has ever been not awesome, and for a while a bunch of foodblogs were doing a Tuesdays with Dorie thing where they would all post her recipes, so you should google that and then poke around the blogs.
I ordered that cute slip from last week's bargain bin and it came in the mail yesterday and I tried it on and wore it for about 5 minutes before my boyfriend tore it off of me. So I guess he *really* didn't like it.
@SarahP I ordered BOTH but only the red one came because the black was out of stock. It's super comfy and soft, and really stretchy and clingy and sexy! Oh, and I know this was a thing for other people looking at it, so I'm 6'0" and it hits a couple of inches above the knee on me.
@Brunhilde I ordered it too, and it came last night. I was nervous it wouldn't fit, but it does and I love it. I just don't know how to be a lady and wear it with things.
I think I need a new job. My coworker is certifiable. She's always been one to say weird things, or suggest conspiracies here and there, or make covertly racist statements, but yesterday took the cake. She was whisper-talking to another coworker about whateverthefark her latest conspiracy thoughts are, and all of a sudden it morphed into this discussion about how she basically thinks (I'm totally summarizing here) soylent green is happening or about to happen. As in, white people aren't having many kids anymore, but people of colour are, and no one (governments, business, Big Brother too I guess) is doing anything about that *because they're going to be a food source*. I didn't say anything, because I wasn't part of the convo, but I don't really know what you say when presented with a statement like that anyway. It's so over the top that I can't figure out where you begin to unpack it. I guess it fits in with her theories that most people are psychopaths, rather than the 1% usually cited.
The mind, it boggles.
Such has been my week at work. I really need to get out of here, right? Before *I* start turning into someone like this?
@dale You're not going to turn into a horrible crazy person, but she's not going to miraculously stop being horrible, so you will have to keep listening to her if you stay. Though a theory that most people are psychopaths kind of turns it into an I Am Legend scenario, doesn't it?
@wharrgarbl It does make me wonder what she'd do if faced with an actual post-apocalyptic existence...
I guess this weekend is dusting off the ol' resume.
@dale: I *hate* co-workers like that. It's such a... well, mental thing, like, they have a problem, but it's just mild enough that they don't really get called on it.
My first date from last week (see here) went really well and I've seen him 3 times since then, and he's coming over tonight! Aaah! I haven't liked anyone this much in years and I'm scared. Sexytimes will probably be happening and that would normally not scare me but now it is making me hella nervous. Help.
@ImASadGiraffe Relax, take a deep breath, and jump in feet first! Own that situation! And remember there's nothing like a good laugh to diffuse a tense, potentially awkward situation. Good luck!
@charlesbois It makes it even harder because we're both generally dorky, awkward people, and even though he seems to think my ability to say the weirdest thing that pops into my head is adorable, I'm still nervous.
I think all of this just means that we're probably a good match and I just need to not worry and let it be. I just don't want to mess up the first good thing I've had in a while.
@ImASadGiraffe Your attitude, "I just need to not worry and let it be" is EXACTLY the right one to have. Don't psyche yourself out worrying about what may or may not happen. Sexy times are teh fun, so start having FUN tonight! ;)
@ImASadGiraffe speaking as a dude, if he's as into you as you seem to be into him, then he's probably just as terrified. If you're into each other, you won't mess it up.
Can I get personal? I can get tmi with you, right? I'm going through that second puberty thing that was discussed a bit ago, and all my pms symptoms are Changing, and I don't know what to do. Ever since my inaugural surf of the crimson wave up until a few months ago my pain was always in the fronts of my thighs and lower abdomen, but now it's all in my back and my boobs. OH MY POOR POOR BOOBS. They are so sore! It's all I can think about! Nothing is helping! Please someone help me deal with this new and terrible pain. Is there anything I can do? I am genuinely aggrieved that these parts that have brought me such joy are the victims of the cruel whims of hormones. MY BOOBS SEEM SO SMART BUT ALSO I'M SCARED ABOUT MY BOOBS.
@ilikemints When I went through period-puberty, my cramps increased in intensity and it SUCKS. I asked my doctor about it, and she said that getting calcium supplements help not only with cramps, but PMS symptoms in general. Obviously don't overdo it on calcium, but if you're not getting 100% every day, maybe it would help?
(And while I used to be fixedly against painkillers, once period-puberty hit, ibuprofen became a medicine cabinet staple. Just make sure you try to preempt the pain; ibuprofen works best when it's before the muscles start hurting.)
@ilikemints Oh god, I can't figure out how to fix boob pain, but my tips include: HEATING PADSSSSS (though not for your boobs) for your back, and completely ignoring dosage amounts on the ibuprofen bottle. To be honest, in my newly awful periods, I tend to just sit in a chair at work, raging at everything, wishing I had not gained 5% over my normal weight in water and misery, and having the most horrible farts ever. And eating ibuprofen like candy.
Oh oh and information about cramps and ibuprofen! Cramps are VERY hard to relieve with painkillers if they are already happening, because period cramps are muscle spasms. Start taking a low dose of ibuprofen before you expect your period and stomach lining be damned, stay on a steady stream of that shit for three days once you start bleeding and keep heating pads with you EVERYWHERE (the disposable kind of course)
@ilikemints
What is up with that? I NEVER had sore boobs before. Like, so many years of periods and boobs that just brought me joy. And now, so sore I keep thinking I'm pregnant.
@Third Wave Housewife I need to keep reminding myself it's just water and misery and we are not a manatee today, because oh man am I totally feeling you. Right now.
@Party Falcon The "sad" part is actually an allusion to my favorite Paul Frank character, Clancy...he was a super short giraffe who was sad because he wasn't tall.
But yes, the spots. Don't know why leopard print is all the rage when giraffe is obviously superior.
@ilikemints Do you eat a lot of fish? Because one of my friends had that second puberty thing happened, and went through a bunch of stuff to try to fix it, and finally did what her doctor had recommended and started eating fish (and she'd been a vegetarian for 10 years) and it helped her dramatically. Or you could take fish oil pills, but those seem kind of gross.
@thebestjasmine Aw, just FYI, most of the stuff in fish oil supplements is also in flax oil (and/or supplements), which is another option for people who aren't into fish. (There are a couple other veg options, but I can't think of them off the top of my head.)
BUT good to know that might help with second-puberty stuff!
Hey, trying to crowdsource an answer to a question. Despite how you might feel about Nicki Minaj's "Stupid Hoe" I have a question about the lyrics. When she says "but my kitchen good," I just found out "kitchen" is black vernacular for the nape of the neck. Can anyone clue me in on the etymology? There's a book at a uni library I think will give me the answer, but I thought I'd turn to the internets first. Thanks!
@charlesbois So not exactly the nape of the neck (at least, not in my family) but the base of the hairline where your hair tends to be particularly nappy, as my grandma would phrase it. I don't know what the other lyrics in the song are, but "good hair" in the black community means straight and pretty and white looking (sort of), and so if your kitchen is good that would mean that you have reallly good hair, because it's good even in your kitchen.
@thebestjasmine And as my friends explained it to me, the strands of hair that have grown out since one's last relaxer/perm end up in little whorls that sort of look like "pots and pans hanging on hooks" so that's why it's the kitchen.
So surely this is going to be buried and get no responses, but here it goes -
I'm getting a new tattoo tonight. It's a group thing that we've had to plan so I'm not entirely prepared. I know I'm getting cherry blossoms (as is my sister. Sister tattoos! We are lame.) and I'm thinking my left arm.
So - Upper arm/shoulder area or forearm, which is closer to my existing inner-wrist tat?
@NeverOddOrEven sister tattoos! That is so awesome :) I would go with upper arm/shoulder. That's my vote! I love something sexy/elegant/whatever on the back of the shoulder/top of the arm.
@redheadedandcrazy Yea, we've been through some crazy-ass family shit and have gotten really close as a result. She's pretty much my best friend AND mother figure (my shrink called that out and it makes perfect sense) so it's basically in commemoration of that.
@Lucienne I'm polling Facebook too and I've only gotten one vote for forearm, which is what I'm leaning towards...
Funny thing is I used to really want a tattoo on the back of my shoulder (This definitely didn't have anything to do with that blonde on Road Rules Europe. Nope.) but then it became a "thing". But all body mods do at some point I guess.
@NeverOddOrEven Go with what you're leaning towards! I kind of love the forearm for something like this--you'll get to see it all the time and be reminded of her. :) Have fun!
@NeverOddOrEven It's probably too late—I hope you're silently screaming in pain right now—but I love cherry blossoms, and I love shoulder tattoos, and eventually I hope to extend my ribcage tattoo upwards and outwards to my shoulder, including some cherry blossoms along the way.
I vote shoulder, if that wasn't clear. BUT! Do what makes you happy! Both will be awesome.
@NeverOddOrEven I'm super duper late but where did you get it!? Link us to picturesss! I love tattoos and really wanna get another one but I don't know what to get yet. I have a tattoo of 2 birds of paradise on my upper arm, sort of on the inside of my arm, though (although half of it is visible if you look dead-on.) And a blue footed boobie on my ribs.
It's all scabby, so I'll update with a pic once it heals. I got a branch of cherry blossoms down my forearm, my sister has her's down her thigh.
I'm excited to go back and get more work on it. Right now it's a little basic and crude - I want more detail and maybe even more flowers, but its a good start!
Also, I'm all for birds. My first and only other tat is an eagle on my wrist, and I though about sticking with the bird theme. So pretty...
@NeverOddOrEven I am ridiculously excited for you!
I'm also SLIGHTLY drunk and wondering if it's bad to be slightly drunk alone on a Wednesday (and also very sure that this thread is perhaps not the venue for this...but, drunk. But then slightly drunk for me is 2 beers.) Also - I JUST caught the Sherlock/Cumberbatch bandwagon and OH MY STARS it is a sexy wagon to be on. Are you by any chance a Sherlock fan (I'm so sorry I'm ridiculous right now.)
ANYWAY - So so so excited for you and your new tattoo-ness!!
@NeverOddOrEven Also, is the eagle tat on the same arm or the other? [Basically I'm just very excited and happy for you and your new healing tattoo :)]
Stylish ladies, hellllp. My company got nominated for a couple industry awards, and so a few execs were invited to the "black tie preferred" awards ceremony. They all hate going to this ceremony, so they asked if my boss and I would go, and I was caught up in the moment and said "Okay" and now I'm freaking out. I have one dress that is acceptable but not super flattering, and not really enough time/money to get a new dress... SO I'm wondering if I can wear this american apparel dress, in the style in the navy and royal blue pictures? (Crossed in front of the neck.) I have it in asphalt. Do you think I can dress that up enough to be "black tie preferred" material, or should I opt for my other, acceptable-but-not-super-flattering dress?
@Party Falcon Aw crud, when I edited my comment for a typo, it took away my link. THIS ONE, like she has it in the "pink," "navy," and "royal blue" pictures.
@SarahP Yes, but you have got to accessorize to the hilt. Hair and dressy makeup and the whole bit. I mean big time. No light gloss, brushed hair and a sensible bangle. You are going to have to sell the Black-tie with you and the bits n bobs you add to accessorize.
Will the material properly hold up a sparkly brooch in the center of the bodice? Or do some MAJOR dangly earring and a chunky sparkly bracelet.
@SarahP I am guessing that it is this dress, right? http://store.americanapparel.net/rsa8339.html
I have this dress and it is super-cute (and very flattering) but knits are hard to dress up! Accessories would be key and so maybe if you had some super special shaw/shoes/clutch combo (or are just generally a glamorous person) it could work, but I'm frankly skeptical.
Personally, my formula for fancy dressing is 2 hours + $50 + Forever 21/Charlotte Russe = something acceptable and it has never failed me yet.
@OhShesArtsy You aren't hallucinating; I went to edit my comment and didn't realize it would take away my html. I linked to it again in my comment right after it, though.
@SarahP That link-erasure thing happens to me all the time and I hate it. And of course you never notice until it's too late to re-edit.
Anyway, I agree with everyone else that this could be made to happen, but you gotta go hard on the glam everything-else. Shoes also very important (but this is how I feel about all situations). At the same time, though, if you're a little underdressed, I think that's better than feeling like a manatee all night?
@SarahP Also, if you do want to get something new to wear, don't underestimate the formalwear section of Loehmann's. You'll be rubbing shoulders with the old ladies, but every black-tie dress I have came from there (and they're nice, I swear. Calvin Klein for $67.)
@SarahP I worry about this. Even if you glam it up, will it look like (or feel) you're obviously trying to overcompensate for wearing jersey? It's what tshirts are made of, you know?
Sorry if this sounds bitchy or not encouraging - it's just that if it were me, I would feel really self-conscious the whole time (even if no one else noticed or cared what I was wearing), and other people DO notice if you don't look comfortable in your own clothes.
@gobblegirl It would work better if it was a longer length I think. You don't have time to take a lunch break and go shopping? Or work won't let you take some time since it's a work function?
@everyone I tried on a bunch of things for a friend this weekend, and the jersey dress was the first thing she vetoed. BUT when she saw the one I'd thought was acceptable-but-not-flattering, she was like "That's so pretty!" so I am feeling better about it.
Let us now whine about having the Super Bowl in one's city of residence!!
But, you're asking, Party Falcon, isn't having the Super Bowl in your city a guarantee of awesome people and awesome parties? For like weeks? Which seems to be your thing?
Ah yes, you'd think that would be true, but my pets, a confession: Party Falcon cannot abide tourists nor establishments that find it acceptable to serve cocktails in plasticware.
These, in fact, seem to be the selling point of MOST of the planned activities in my fair city this weekend.
@Party Falcon Don't forget the Super Bowl in My Fair City two years ago, when it ICED. And all the sand and ice melt was used to keep the highways around Cowboys Stadium ice-free. So there was none for the rest of us, and I ended up commuting forty miles each way at 0400 and 2000 on SIX INCHES OF SOLID MELTED/FROZEN ICE.
The only upside was that, by the end of Day 3, I was so exhausted by attempting to skate down I-35, I greeted every skid and slide on the way home with a "WAAAAHOOOOOO!" rather than "shitshitshitshit."
@Party Falcon Do you live downtown? I live up by Zionsville and went downtown today to Chatham Tap and HOLY CRAP I know it's still a week away, but it seems there are a lot more people around than usual. AND I have to drive downtown again on Tuesday to tour the Electron Microscopy lab at IUPUI and I'm sure traffic will be worse!
However, I hate the Patriots and like the Giants, so I'm all for a Manning kicking Brady's ass in Our Town.
Long pointless reply, I think I'm just half excited to find someone near me!
Ugh how do you know when you should give up on a relationship? I dumped my boyfriend because we both f-ed up, and we've been trying to work it out but he's just not getting that he needs to step up more and put more effort in. I'm so frustrated and am thinking maybe I should just cut him off? Like maybe the devastation in the short run will be better than dragging it out?
@Prairie Dawn Ugh. I thought I could be friends with my ex. Someone on here suggested that I just cut him off, even as a friend. I realized that having him in my life at all was just making me sad.
@Prairie Dawn Yes, the devastation in the short run is better. You can go back to being friends later, but you both need time not talking and not trying to make it (anything) work before you'll be able to talk to each other like people instead of like exes.
@Prairie Dawn I am currently doing a Friend Experiment (as explained up above) with my recent ex, but it sounds like your sitch is way different (ie, you actually want to date each other). Ripping off the bandaid is the better choice 99 per cent of the time.
Where my had-an-interview peeps from last week? Anyone heard?
I found out I didn't get mine. :( Bummer, but it turned out, I was prepared for disappointment! It is fine, it would have been cool, but what you can do. I am probably inordinately interested in finding out who got it, probably so I can judge them unworthy and feel superior, I keep checking their website, I hope they update it soon.
@Marzipan Gah, it's tough out there. It's not a non-profit field, is it? So many people I know in non-profits started out at their organizations as volunteers who edged their way in to staff positions.
I won't hear anything about my thing until after the 1st as my contact is on vacation. Am v. antsy.
Bummer, Marizpan! I had a phone screen Monday, she said she would be getting back to people about Round 2 on Friday, and.... nothing. I'm still hoping to hear on Monday!
@femme cassidy My whole family! Excercise, watch your weight (dramatic weight gains can sneak up on you with PCOS), get a good waxer or invest in laser, and try not to worry about your fertility. 5/6 had no issues, the other managed 1 gorgeous girl with minimal treatment :)
I should be walking this old thing (in my profile pic) but instead am reading all these comments. Also I took an extra day off for weekend because my Thursday morning class is kind of a wash, and so far I haven't really gotten any school stuff done. But I DO have groceries and got a haircut (I haven't had one in...7 months?)
Day started off terribly with me waking up to a bed covered in cat vomit. But! That vomit got me to do all of the laundry and doing all of the laundry got me to purge TWO GARBAGE BAGS of clothing for Goodwill. My dresser drawers close now! Jolie! Come see!
The week started terribly, but I finished it out by finally being brave by both standing up for myself at work, and starting to comment here. Hurrah for Fridays!
open threads make me post a zillion times but guys I don't have a TV and Fridays after Mister comes home are WATCH THE NEW PARKS AND REC ON HULU TIME YESSSSS
@Third Wave Housewife I think I'll watch it again. Parks and Rec is the only show I watch Thursday nights (illegally) and then think, hmm, it's on Hulu now, might as well watch it once when it might be recorded....
GUYS HELP ME I'm going to a "Too Soon" themed party tonight, and I have no idea what to wear, mostly because I want to avoid the dead celebrity/public figure route if possible. I've got one friend going as Billy Cundiff on suicide watch, and another going as the "What are we?" talk. Any suggestions?!
@PrincessBeyonce
I think it's still too soon to do a 9/11 themed costume. Do you have another friend that can be the North Tower? Amy Winehouse? Gabby Giffords? Liz Taylor? Etta James? All too soon.
Could you do Blue Ivy Carter as a famous baby? Strung out baby? Still too soon.
@PrincessBeyonce (Is the name from Raising Hope? LOVE)
A widow on the dating scene? Like, still in her black veil and stuff? I dunno, that one seems awful and judgey. Maybe a lite version of that with a pet replacer? Like, carry a little shoe box with RIP Fluffy or whatever and a plushie kitten/puppy/etc?
@LeafySeaDragon I was initially thinking Cokehead Chloe Moretz, but I ended up thinking that might be a little obscure. Oh god I'm reading Lainey AND Vulture right now, what has become of me.
@PrincessBeyonce
Oh man, I wish I saw this last night! I went to a Too Soon party a little while ago and it was really great. Tell us all the cool costumes!
I was Dobby, with a stab-wound.
@PrincessBeyonce Alright guys, I wound up wearing a nautical-looking dress I have and a captain's hat to be the captain of the Italian cruise ship that went down a week ago (the one who "tripped" into a lifeboat and abandoned ship.) I made a sign with the sideways ship that said "Ciao!" and taped it to my back and it was an overwhelming success.
My favorite costumes were a girl dressed as the morning after (since it was still the night of), a guy who was a SOPA-censored image (all black with tape over his junk and a bunch of "censored" stickers), and a girl who put make-up bruises all over her faces to be domestic violence, because it is always too soon for that. Sadly there were NO premature ejaculators to be found.
Highlight of the week: my friend invited me to be in the delivery room when she has her baby in early May. She was very low-key about it (told me in a text message that she & her husband "thought it would be cool" if I wanted to be there), which is kind of the overarching quality of our friendship. Neither of us is really demonstrative, and we are work-friends (she was my work spouse till we moved out of our shared office) so sometimes it's not immediately obvious even to me how tight we are. But really she is one of my best friends and I am just massively honored and flattered and cannot wait. Hooray!
Anybody wanna talk about makeup? I'm itching to try the new YSL Glossy Stain stuff. But what I'm REALLY itching to do is get it in the violet color and then have vampy purple lips! But then when I think about it another way, is it vampy, or is it how I look when I look in the bathroom mirror after an evening of sipping on some $2 cabernet (i.e. not at my most beautiful, lip-wise)? So many strong, contradictory emotions.
@leastimportantperson I say vampy if you make the rest of your face done, but naked-looking. You know what I mean: minimal eyeliner, beigeish shadow, nonclumpy mascara, LIPS.
Because, um, that was how I wore purple lips in the '80's. Worked then, ought to work now. *koff*
@Mingus_Thurber I think you're right. I might hold off because I'm on an eyeliner kick right now. And also because I want to get a whole boatload of nail polish.
@leastimportantperson Get a ridiculous purple shade of drugstore lipstick first to make sure you like it, imo. Revlon Superlustrous has like four purple shades I can think of off the top of my head, and it's creamy (Superlustrous is the only lipstick I've ever tried that is actually moisturizing), pigmented, and like $7. There's two or three bananas shades in that new Covergirl LipPerfection as well, although I can't vouch for its formula since I haven't tried it yet. That way you don't drop YSL cash (aaah!!! not even once!) on something you don't feel. Hell I think Wet and Wild has some $2 purple options, although any lipstick besides Superlustrous feels like moisture-sapping death to me so I wouldn't personally.
I'm of the mind that all you really need to do to pull something off is to wear it then not mess with it, but I agree with Mingus_Thurber that having the rest of your face done will help alleviate any nervousness. You could also commit to your look real hard and do big black winged liner and a strong brow (but no eyelid or cheek color beyond contouring) and then act like a ghost from the future all day.
@leastimportantperson Also, yes, buy all of the nail polish. If your local drugstore still has oldschool (slanted sides instead of a cylinder) Revlon nail polish bottles you were coveting, I'd get them now since they're phasing in new ones with different colors.
@thesailorsaid Maybe I already am a ghost from the future. Ever think of that?
And yeah, I guess my nervousness is more like, I seriously will wear anything if I think it's great, but sometimes, looking back I'm like... what what WHAT was I thinking?? And I guess I feel this familiar swell of enthusiasm here, and I want to avoid future regret.
True. I'm still not over those black leather fingerless biker gloves I wore every day all of freshman year in highschool, including with my pink peasant top/pink jeans outfit. (Kill me?) I LOVED those stupid gloves though, and thought I looked awesome! So I just try to remember that I thought that lipstick-as-blush or whatever dumb stuff I pulled was fuckin' bangin' at the time, and laugh at 14-year-old-me's questionable taste.
@DH@twitter I grew up there. I hope you find fellow Pinners there. I have a lot of guilt about my post-college relocation to the east coast, because if there's anything Cleveland needs (other than general reinvestment), it's more Hairpin readers!
So I finished my Masters in August and have applied for maybe 35 jobs all over the country. I have received one interview...for a part time position. I have had many people look at my resume and tell me that it looks great.
I feel actually happy when I get any response that says I didn't get a job. I have eight years experience in my field. I have no idea what else I should do.
That said, I work as an assistant and am very lucky to have any job, but it is just so depressing.
who else has the flu?
I came down with it yesterday and it was very sudden. Terrible, tingly pain everywhere, tingling behind my ears, burning hot face and ears. Slightly delirious conversation and laughing.
Feeling better today because I think I literally sweated some of the illness out. I don't even actually believe that, but I can't explain it another way.
Don't know if anyone else reads the blog "Miss Moss," but she just put up a really great music mix that's free to download. It's very upbeat and wonderful and I thought I'd try to share it!
I was friend-dumped two Friday's ago, and it really sucks. I've been so depressed and trying not to Facebook stalk her to see if she's having fun with our mutual friends.
In the past two weeks I bought that slip from Free People from last week, and these shoes: http://www.toms.com/womens/new-styles/valentine-women-s-classics
I also decided to drop one of my classes since it's making my misery worse. Ugh, I wish I had my ex-friend to talk to. My SO gets that I'm sad, but can't really help me.
@soul toast any chance of reconciliation sometime down the road? That so completely sucks. : ( I'm sorry. Friend breakups are so hard, and in some ways even harder than a romantic breakup.
A question for any of the skilled makeuppers out there: The majority of the times I curl my eyelashes, I feel like they uncurl the minute I apply mascara. Why is this? Am I doing something wrong somewhere? I don't use a lot of mascara or a heavy one; I just like the lashes to lightly coated just to be darker than what they really are, and very separated and not clumpy. I don't really like recurling them after I use the mascara because it's messy and they sort of bend as opposed to curl, and end up stuck together in clumps.
In a perfect world, I'd get the last extensions that punkahontas featured in her blog but I am afraid of anyone going near my eyes with any sort of tool!
@Hellcat You can try heating the eyelash curler with a blowdryer a little bit first before curling? That increases the staying power a lot (think about using a curling iron on your hair vs. wrapping it around a pencil for a minute). That said, look at what kind of mascara formula you're using and the brush it has. The really dense-brushed ones with thick dry mousse formulas seem like you kinda have to work them into your lashes and then pull them through. And then by effect you feel like you're brush-yanking on your eyelashes and thinking it's pulling the curl out. Try to find a thinner, liquidy mascara formula with a comb-style brush so it goes on smooth and easy. Right now I use Maybelline One-by-One, it's got a thinner formula and a plastic-bristle brush instead of the standard spoolie brush; I love how it just kinda paints on easily instead of dragging the crap on.
@thesailorsaid Why, thank you. I think I will try the heating thing, as the mascara I use is from Bare Ecscentuals and I really like it. (Plastic-bristle brush: check! Thinnish consistency: check!) Of course, I will give this a try after I stop sneezing like a maniac, which causes eye-watering and all sorts of hideous things!
@thesailorsaid This may sound silly, but I'm scared that if I heat the curlers with the blow dryer too much they might just singe my eyelashes clean off?? Am I being paranoid or is that a thing?
@Hellcat No problem! Any excuse to ramble at length about makeup stuff is accepted here at the bank of me, lol. Oh god, sneezing fits vs. mascara. I'm a multisneezer and sometimes I wind up with tears running down my face and that is when someone walks into my area of the office? ugh
Oh oh PS curl before you put mascara on it. If you do it after when it's dry, the mascara has dried holding it in a straight shape. If the mascara is wet, you get mascara all over the curler and it's a nightmare to clean off (plus it leaves bits of your lashes mascaraless?) and sometimes it'll stick to the curler and rip your lashes out. Bad scene. Curl them before and then convince yourself that the mascara is like eyelash hairspray sealing the curl in. I miss Maybelline Lash Styliste so badly, it was like runny paint on a little brush and then it dried like crispy bacon and held a curl like a boss. Sigh ;__;
@Prairie Dawn Oh god oh god I don't think so? I mean you can burn your head hair by clamping it in a 500* flatiron for too long but compared to a couple squeezes with an eyelash curler it seems pretty harmless to me. Pinching and burning your eyelid is totally a thing though! It is a mistake you only make once. Definitely hit it with the dryer for a couple seconds, then test it on the inside of your arm and then be super careful. Just spend a while on the weekend heating it up for 5 seconds, 10, 15, etc. until it's hot but you can hold your finger on it for a couple seconds without it hurting. And then be a careful-assed surgeon curling your lashes.
Oh oh and try to use a moisturizing makeup remover (baby oil! or those almay pads with baby oil on them!) since curling your lashes is kinda rough on them, and the oil conditions them which helps. (Plus it cuts through all the liner/shadow/etc crap better so you're pulling on your eyelids less, aka less eyelid wrinkles later in life hopefully.)
@thesailorsaid You can actually buy lash curlers that heat up! I have never, ever curled my lashes, but there's a trick I do that sort of auto-curls them. I put mascara on bottom lashes, then do the top lashes as per usual. Then I sort of half-close my eyelid and bring the mascara brush down from above and put mascara on the top/behind part of my upper lashes. Then a few more strokes the regular way from below. As the mascara dries, it sort of curls the lashes up a bit like magic!
@thesailorsaid Thank you, thank you! I haven't actually tried it yet, as I was already makeupped Friday night when I typed that, and haven't put on anymore since. And no worries on the eyelid-pulling due to liner and eyeshadow; I don't wear any (I am terrible at it, even when I want a messy Courtney Love-ish thing!).
Is anyone still around? I need to get up and fix another drink but my kitty is laying across my arm and I don't want to move him because he is so damn cute. Also, I just typed this with my left hand (I'm not left-handed).
happy friday y'all! yesterday i was out going for my little walk, and i spent a good portion of that time reflecting upon how awesome all of you pinners are and how very very sad I would be not to have this community in my life!
seriously, you folks are the bee's knees. And i don't throw that phrase around lightly!
Hypothetical Question to all who have broken up with people who may, when you're feeling weak and really how do they know, send you a text.
Do you...
1. Say "Um, who is this?" so they know you deleted their number, and then ignore them after they identify?
2. Ignore them entirely, so they wither and repeatedly check their phone and ask someone else to text them because maybe it's broken, except that someone will then ask why and embarrass them even more?
3. Say something cutting in text speech to indicate you don't give a fuuuuck?
4. Subtly imply you're having the sexy sex with the guy they always felt physically inferior to, while they are going bald all aloneypants?
Please advise. Fill-in-the-blank answers WILL be accepted.
ETA: If you are later meeting up with his mom, is it tacky to subtly imply said sexytimes with aforementioned superior guy, like could he just be standing around in boxer briefs when she came to pick you up and could your hair be the same degree of wetness to indicate co-showering.
@Inkcrafter the REAL answer to this question for me is sending them a gushy, detailed text a minute after they sent theirs and ruin any mystery and dignity I ever had.
But I think what YOU should do is ignore. It'll make him crazy that you don't care enough to take the time. Succeed where I have failed and ignore!
This is way super down on the thread but I just wanted to share that I made a Major Life Decision this week and am feeling so excited and motivated. I had a really rough breakup back in November and have been in this place of uncertainty about what I wanted to do with my life for about a year, and through some serious meditation and working some shit out, I'm realizing that I want to make my life the life I've always wanted, one that is rich in experiences and possibility, that is giving towards others, and that I really, truly don't need a romantic relationship to make that happen. The weird part is, I'm completely ok with that. I still miss the Juicebox Ex and I probably always will, but that missing him isn't controlling my life anymore. What a relief!
So I'm meeting with an academic adviser next week, and at the ripe old age of 27, I'll be starting my undergraduate majoring in Pre-Med, with the intention to become a gynecologist. The thought of not actually being a full-fledged doctor until my late 30s is a little intimidating, but by then my child will be about ready to graduate high school, and what a good example that will set for him!
TL;DR, life is opening up in wonderful ways, and I really think that having the Hairpin as this really great space to interact and see other amazing women's experiences has been such a great help! Have a good weekend, folks.
@heyits This is exciting! I feel kind of this way except that I'm still trapped in a job that I hate for the forseeable future
BUT I'm starting to look into a different avenue for the further than foreseeable future and I'm kind of realizing that I'm way more excited about that.
Also this: "I still miss the Juicebox Ex and I probably always will, but that missing him isn't controlling my life anymore. What a relief!" obviously applies to me as well. BUT I think I have a pretty good sense of humour about the whole thing and I still feel that I'm doing pretty well all things considered!
*clinks champagne glass*
Also the Hairpin IS awesome! So much inspiration and encouragement. :')
@all Thank you! The thought of being a full-time student, a full-time office worker, and a full-time mom is a little daunting for me (OK, majorly daunting), but fuck it! I owe it to myself to challenge myself and use my talents. And I owe it to the people around me who support me and love me so much. And I owe it to those people who I can help with my mad doctor skillz. And goddamn I'll look good in that white coat.
@redheadandcrazy *clink* whatever your avenue is you are thinking of pursuing, go for it with all your heart, because you will rock it so hard. I know it.
@heyits
Good for you! One of my friends from law school went back to college at the age of 32 to finish her prereqs to go to medical school and this is after she was a practicing lawyer. So good for you! It can be done! You won't be the oldest there!!
When my wife went to school at around that age, she got a lot more out of it than she would have at the more usual time. (And she ACED it.) I think what you're doing is fantastic and: what a great mom your boy has!
I feel like the days when you went to college at 18 for four or six or eight years and then never again are over. Work and technology change so swiftly and we live so long now, we have to keep learning, even as we grow older. Let's never stop.
@heyits Good for you and good luck! I did something a little similar, and I will tell you it kind of sucked to sit in classes with kids who would shout "it's my 18th birthday! can you buy me beer?" but I think I got a lot more out of it because I was older and saw more value in the work then a lot of my peers did.
@heyits: I know this is a really really late reply but... I was in a postbac last year and it was the best thing I've ever done for myself. The thought of shelling out for another year of school that would be so difficult and challenging and a whole overturn of your life up until that point is SO daunting, but so rewarding when you're done with it.
And let me tell you that at 27 you DEFINITELY will not be the oldest person there! Congrats on making the decision. Have an amazing weekend, I hope I see you around here again to see how your studies are going!
I think 2 is the ideal! The problem is for me, not responding to texts feels so rude! So not responding means summoning every last shred of will power to channel Super Ice Queen Heartlessness toward myself.
3. is not ideal because if you really didn't give a fuck, you just wouldn't respond
4. same as above
1. same as above
As well, I feel that your example of subtly implied sexytimes is actually more like punch in the face explicitly stated sexy times, so maybe just his presence at your place at all, would be the more subtle implication?
please note my usual disclaimer: I completely disregard all of my own advice on a regular basis :D
@redheadedandcrazy
I think it'd be best if we immediately deleted the text that the guy sent us. Like maybe write it down to lol about it with friends, but definitely get it out of our phone-temple.
The thing now is, he lead me on big time, actin' all fancy romancy because he can't control his huge feelings about me, and now he thinks we're gonna go back to being friends??!
"Sorry I didn't respond, buddy, I was too busy nailing *Guy You Envy*, can't get enough of his huge *Thing You Ain't Got*. Ironically, he can pull off a FWB relationship with respect and friendship. How's the hair?"
But no, I think you are probably right.
I have been feeling really really terrible, as in barely able to get out of bed and crying all day kind of terrible. And I have also been watching Felicity while doing this and have been thinking "you know, her haircut didn't really look as bad as I remember it... Maybe I should cut off all my curly curly hair like Felicity?" And then I have to remind myself that every single hair decision I have ever made while feeling terrible were monumental mistakes.
In other news, I am trying really hard to feel less terrible, so I am starting to work on making my own comic! Doing things and making things is good.
@teebs Do and make lots of things! And go for walks, weather permitting. I found that it helps. And remember that Hairpin is here for you. Read Hairpin every time you feel the tears coming on.
@Rookie oh my gosh walks are the best and it doesn't even have to be weather permitting.
@teebs i want to recommend smoking a bowl and going for a walk, but some people's solutions *cough* *hack* *lung cancer* don't work for everyone, but anyway i love curly hair too. long curly hair or like, a bit longer than chin length, or you know, whatever.
i also second the desire to hear more news about comic :)
I think I might be getting Mean Girls-ed. It SUCKS. The only solution I can come up with is to go all Cady Heron on my Regina George. Would that work? I won't let her get hit by a bus, probably.
Also I am so tired that today I thought I was getting sick, and I didn't even feel like pretending to make plans, so I came home and I'm watching basketball (and maybe texting a boy that I'm friends with but you wouldn't always know it judging from our texts)
@Inkcrafter oh, geez. Okay, you all can be my Damien and my whatever Lizzy Caplan's character was named (I forget).
Basically, whoever it was on here that told me I should cut off all ties with the ex was right. I haven't spoken to him, but out of politeness I haven't unfollowed or unfriended him, and as a result I get to see tweets from both him and his new, erm, paramour (let's call her a paramour because it's nicer than other words), a girl who is supposed to be my friend (Regina George!), although I almost never heard from her while I dated him, and did not get any "Are you OK?" type of contact after he broke up with me, although she did write to him and they hung out and stuff (lots of details being left out here) but seriously nothing to me except for unsolicited arguments about my otherwise innocuous tweets. (Example: I congratulated a guy for donating blood, and she wrote us back judging us because gay men aren't allowed to give blood, so I guess no one else should? I don't know.)
Basically, she is like ALL OVER HIM when she sees me tweet things these days, and I haven't heard from a couple of our other mutual friends in a while?
Also, I don't know the policy on these things, but a "I would like to bang your ex-boy" seems like the correct etiquette, no?
@wharrgarbl I think that's what I need to do. But knowing this girl (and, as far as I can tell, seeing how my ex-boy is basically pandering to her every whim) I'd probably be asking for more venom if she ever finds out.
I'd try to be a big person about this and speak to one of them to tell them that they're being ridiculous, but I've said all of five words to him since the breakup (and there was a major lack of communication at the end of the relationship anyway), and my "friendship" with her never really involved having, like, REAL conversations anyway, so... yeah. I just hate this and I want my friends back.
@Rookie Honestly, it sounds like she's trying to get under your skin. Like, maybe she's one of those horrible people who thinks happiness is a zero-sum game, so the more upset you are, the happier she'll be? You'd be better qualified to judge that pattern than The Internet, but I'm guessing you're in for more of her toxic spew no matter what you do, 'cuz the drama generated from just being with this guy is eventually going to fade. You might as well just pull the bandaid off and not have to put up with the weeks of bullshit between now and her getting too offensive to deal with.
If there's specific people you're missing, reach out to them. Invite them over for dinner or out for drinks or to a movie--whatever works for you and won't set up the automatic expectation of this girl and your ex-boy attending. If they dodge you on a couple of invites, as much as it sucks, you're probably better off just writing them out for a while. If it's any comfort, it sounds like hanging with this girl instead of you will work out as its own punishment for their perfidity. People who get on twitter to be all "In ur favorite coffee bar, makin' out with ur ex!" are usually not the best at nurturing stable, healthy relationships.
@wharrgarbl I sorta-love you for being spot-on about this. I mentioned earlier that I was leaving out a lot of details, and I'll say that I'm no saint but she is a huge drama queen. Ugh. I want to say so many awful things about her, but it won't help anyone any, so I won't.
I just signed up for Tweetdeck and filtered out their tweets so that I don't have to see them but also don't give either of them the satisfaction of badmouthing me for unfollowing.
But basically, you're telling me that a passive-aggressive Twitter account told from the perspective of your ex's new girl (who is a total lady-juicebox), and eventually becomes as popular as Shit Girls Say, is a bad idea?
@Rookie Well, when it comes to drama, I guess go big (Shit Regina George Says) or go home. But that comes with the caveat that if you don't actually get off on drama, and you're up against someone who basks in its glow at every opportunity, it's kind of like trying to drown a mermaid. You're just going to wear yourself out trying, and you'll still have the walk home in wet shoes after it's over.
I'm pretty sure that any reaction that I have to this situation is unhealthy for me, so... whatever, I'm just going to keep quoting Mean Girls to myself, even when Regina replies to my tweets in a non-wanting to cause drama kind of way. (No, I didn't write her back. And I don't care. She once bitched because someone we know was kind of worried that he hadn't kept up regular contact with him and she got all like "Whatever, is he insecure that I hate him because we haven't talked?" so... yeah. Same shit, Regina.)
@wharrgarbl Went through my emails to find this thread because I didn't want to wait until next Friday to say I finally unfollowed both of them (sure, it was prompted by the ex-boy unfollowing me, but whatever, I took it as A Sign) and that is that. Done. Bye. This Cady Heron's done. The limit DOES exist.
Have I been dumped? Sorry for how long this is going to be.
The boyfriend got irrationally mad at me on tuesday night while I was trying to make plans to go out with him, and he wasn't being helpful. He spazed out, told me we were over and signed out of messenger. I sat there shocked... left the room... I came back like 20 minutes to see a message from him asking if i wanted to go run an errand with him, but he was already gone.
Wednesday we went to the movie.. i told him that it wasn't appropriate for him to say we were breaking up just because he was mad at me. He agreed and apologized (something he never does) All good... no.. i tried to kiss him, he turned away. He got in a pissy mood for the rest of the night and wouldn't even kiss me goodnight when he dropped me off. However, an hour later he texted me "goodnight :)" which is kind of a big deal cause he knows how much I love when he texts me goodnight.
Thursday, I message him in messenger.. he tells me I'm bothering him.. i tell him I don't know what's going on with him being nice one minute then a jerk the next. He starts yelling about some new glaucoma eye drops he's taking. We chat a little bit, but not much.
Today I message him to ask him about his bottle of vodka that he hates, and tell him i just found out gummy bears can soak up vodka.. does he want to try that.. I didn't get much of anything out of him, and when I say "you know, if you don't want to chat online much anymore that's fine, probably good, but when we do, can you try not to seem mad?" he told me he was going to bed... he's not going to bed at 9pm.
The only thing I know for sure is he's not cheating on me. It took 4 months for me to get my first kiss from him, and until this week, we just spent way too much time together for there to be anyone else.
We've been together for a year and a half.
@out of order This is the hardest thing to do in the world, but tell him when he's ready to talk about what's going on with him, you'll listen, then walk away (at least for now)--no goodnight texts, no errands, no IM. If you let him jerk you around like, he will.
@out of order ugh but A Lady JUST said how we shouldn't tell a friend their bf seems like a juicebox.
i think a lot of people here have experienced some mad emotional manipulation in their past relationships, and would recognize symptoms of that in the experiences you describe. if somebody is treating you in a way that makes you feel uncertain or insecure, you deserve better.
(how'd I do A Lady?)
Also, if you haven't read this article and the comments below, i highly recommend!
@out of order Unfortunately, it is impossible to tell whether you are dumped, because he is being terrible. However, you are definitely being jerked around. I second laurel in saying you should tell him, "Listen, I cannot understand what you want or need from me from the way you're acting the last couple days. When you think you know what that is and feel ready to talk about it, let me know!" and see what he does.
If he continues to pull this bullshee, tell him you're sorry, because you've really enjoyed the time you've spent together, but you don't have the time or energy for this, even though he is great, so unfortunately you guys will not be dating anymore. But you wish him luck!
I know that last paragraph sounded really flip for a 1.5 year relationship, and I get that that seems way harsh, Tai. But the fact is, he's being way harsh to you, and the best thing you can do is stop letting him do it. How he feels about it is his problem--he obviously didn't care enough about Both Sides of the Coin to not do it to you, amirite?!
You deserve better! Really. I can tell just from this post. I promise.
@out of order Also, in the interim, eliminate the messaging and the texting and try to only communicate with him in ways where you can get a better read on him (phone, in-person). It sounds like all the nonverbal communication is just making this more confusing to you (the old problem of conveying tone on the internet), so stick to a medium where you can get a clear read on juicebox/non-juicebox behaivor.
@laurel @redheadedandcrazy @miwome
I read your comments last night and cried. I read that article (i don't know how I missed it at the begining of the year) and cried. It sucks so much when your brain is constantly talking you into and out of courses of action.
@out of order I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope you can find some sort of resolution, with him or without him. But--I know this is going to sound really callous--sometimes, a relationship is like a sweater you're trying on. If you can't decide whether to keep it or not and you keep going back and forth on whether it's doing you justice, it's almost certainly a no. Leave it in the store and find a cardigan for the long haul, you know?
At least, that's my philosophy. I am not trying to tell you what to do! Hugs.
@redheadedandcrazy Wasn't too harsh, it was all too true. I feel like I'm having to choose between two jail terms.
If I put up with this, it would be like life in a nice minimum security jail, where we get to go outside and play with bunnies, but where I randomly get beatings (emotional, just so we are clear).
And if I end it, since I'm feeling old and unwanted, I feel like I'd be picking life in solitary confinement but with the slight chance of parole
@out of order hey, chin up! it'll be OK whatever u decide. Is this new behavior on his part? Or is this how its always kinda been? I've learned in life that people who make you feel that pukey question mark in the pit of your stomach about how much you matter to them aren't people worth dating, and giving to, even if they are OK people and you really like them and really get on in other ways. Someone who is your real partner doesn't leave you wondering where you stand fundamentally, and doesn't cause the pukey questionmark *on the regular*. (NB though, dating and loving other people inevitably demands this feeling SOME times. Just not, A LOT of the time, on the regualar. IMHO.)
I know the feeling you are having. Stay with him and its kinda OK and theres lotsa good bits, and after all, he's not a MONSTER. Or leave him and be open to the new. Only you know whats right for you right now --- but it sounds like you're being down on yourself and the possibility of a new path. You shouldn't be. Love and life and the world are super super big and spacious. That's scary, and awesome.
@out of order I don't know if you're dumped... but I feel like HE should be dumped. By you. Because what he is doing now is making you upset, and that seems to be at least part of the goal.
@out of order *hugs* If you're this wound up over his terribleness, you really should take a break. Make it clear to him that, whatever his deal is right now, it is Not Okay to take it out on you. Block him on IM, block his texts. Tell him to call you when he's got his shit together and is ready to stop throwing tantrums at you and has decided to treat you like he loves you. It's entirely possible that he might actually stop with the assholery.
Being alone's really not the worst thing in the world, though. It's for-sure better than having every other day randomly suck because some immature boy decided to have a juice-eruption all over it.
Which is, of course, assuming you do wind up alone without wanting to be alone, which isn't too terribly likely! But for sure, the best way to get to your ideal, no-nonsense, totes-awesome dude/lady is to not settle for dudes/ladies who truck in nonsense and terribleness on the turn of a dime.
@miwome Sole owner and proprietor of the city's finest juicey-go-round. Ringleader of the juice-circus.
Ordinarily I would think a couple of shitty days are not going to make or break a couple, but this guy's hammering on the "be a huge jackass, do something especially nice to avoid the full consequences of previous jackassery" trick like a dog who's just figured out that sitting and raising a paw will net it two biscuits instead of one. It is a very bad sign.
@wharrgarbl I agree that a couple days vs. a pattern makes a huge difference. @out of order You didn't say, "this is totally out of character for him" or anything, which seems like a veeery bad sign, and the fact that a tiny gesture of caring like texting "goodnight" is "a big deal" makes me sad for what the standard in the relationship might be (although of course people have different styles, &c).
Juicelord? Juicecanoe? Immersion juicer? Operator of a juicecade.
@miwome I mean, did he even offer an accounting why he thought it was okay to tantrum-dump someone and less than half an hour later ask the tantrum-dumpee to run an errand with the tantrum-dumper without apology or explanation? Because that sounds like something you'd have to be a fully-licensed and -bonded Juicemobile driver to do.
@wharrgarbl I know, right? RUN AN ERRAND? I would expect, oh, "Hey, want to come over so I can cuddle you and explain myself?" or, "Hey, could I maybe come over to your house with whiskey and explain myself and beg for forgiveness?" Not, like, "Yo, come to the drugstore with me so I don't get too bored haha." But it must be hard when you keep riding around on your Juicecycle and you can't get off and take a Juicewalk.
@out of order I hope we're not torturing you! At this point we are just having fun with juicewords for juides. (Juicedudes, you get me?)
@redheadedandcrazy I know, right? Stingy with physical affection, stingy with earned apologies, stingy with good-night texts...it sounds like this guy is just turning up the juicebox-to-good ratio instead of testing the waters of the Juice Sea. Stop being horrible to your girlfriends, juiceboxes.
@miwome @wharrgarbl
He's emotionally stunted and a poor communicator. He's 35 and I'm his first girlfriend.
What's happening right now is not normal. We've had 4 fights over the past year and a half. There was a recent A Dude where the letter writter said that it was great 90% of the time, and sucky 10% of the time. I kinda feel like that.
He does some really nice things for me... the goodnight thing just falls into my own nerosis which he doesn't feed too often. So it's not like i'm all "OMG.. he said goodnight to me, he's a wonderful man" I kinda viewed it more as "aww, he texted me goodnight, he knows he screwed up"
All that said... I know he's borderline Juiceboxian. But I think it's based on his inability to interact properly, so I feel bad holding it against him. I feel like it would be giving up on a relationship with a colour blind man b/c he couldn't appreciate my paintings.
@out of order Well, only you can know to what degree it's worth it. (If you feel like talking about this further) Has he shown willingness to work on the communication issues? Because if you guys are going to have the same fight, basically, every three months, in which he can't even tell you why he's mad or whether he's mad or what he wants to do about it, I feel like after a while...oy.
@out of order It sounds more like giving up on a relationship with a colorblind man who won't even come to your gallery openings to support you because he won't get anything out of it. And, to be super-clear, there is no excuse on the planet that makes taking your bullshit out on someone you profess to love an okay thing to do. Your baggage is your baggage, but once it starts falling on other people, it's their problem, too, y'know? There's no way for him to have all these problems without them being your problems, too, if you're with him.
I mean, emotionally-stunted and poor-communicating are traits that can, for most people, be improved on. It might be way harder for one person than another to grow up or stop and really think about how they're coming off or affecting other people. But it's a rare bird who can't, with time, effort, and maybe some qualified professional guidance, get better at those things.
My guess would be that where he's at now is not where he could be if he applied himself and stopped taking you for granted on one level or another. Like, does the thought of you leaving make him want to put in the work to be the sort of partner you deserve, or does the thought of you leaving just make him step off the juice just enough to keep you around?
@wharrgarbl This here, exactly. You don't get to endlessly take out your crap on people, no matter how hard a row you had to hoe.
In the house where I grew up, my parents didn't not let the other kid have sweets because I was diabetic, just like she didn't not serve salad because it upset him when people ate lettuce in his presence (I know... long story).
AND, everyone was expected to be at the dinner table together as a family.
Point is... we all have our Thing, but we have to make our Thing fit so we can be in relationship with other people. That's what human community is for.
@PistolPackinMama @wharrgarbl @wimome @redheadedandcrazy
Thank you EVERYONE for being my support group this weekend. I can't even express how wonderful you are to embrace me when I needed it.
As a conclusion, for now, he took me out last night and apologized hard and good. I know that doesn't make it better, but it helps.
We talked about why it happened and he doesn't really know. He said he was a horrible person, I said he wasn't horrible, that he was just a really bad communicator, and he agreed. We agreed that next time he gets irrationally mad he'll try to give me the heads up that's what's happening.
Anyway, thank you so much. Your strength helped me to call him out for his juicebox behaviour and not just assume that things will get better next time without effort.
YOU GUYS I am anguished over this. I thought I posted this hours ago and I guess I never hit "post" or something? SO SAD. Anyway, apparently Simon Cowell and the Pinkett-Smiths (mostly Jada) are collaborating on a reality show Search for the World's Best DJ. IT'S AMERICAN IDOL FOR DJs, you guys, will somebody PLEASE hatewatch this with me? Please?!
I know nobody will read this now, but I felt like it at least deserved the light of day before I buried it with other untapped potential. SOB.
@miwome Did it disappear? I had a pretty innocuous post disappear from a thread a while back - it still appeared in my comment stream when you clicked my username, but it had been banished from the thread. The haunted house ghosts might be stealing our comments.
You guys, I know this open thread is pretty dead, but hopefully some of you guys that are still around can give me some advice?
There is dude in medical school that is constantly being a jerk to me for seemingly no reason. Avoiding him is impossible because somehow we are in the same recitation section for every class we have - meaning I end up spending 10 hours a week with this guy in 1:1 or 1:3 situations. His petty digs started out small (telling me that I don't know when to stop talking, talking over me) and then escalated into him refusing to be my partner for a head/ears/eyes/nose/throat practice patient exam. The refusing to be my partner thing ended up being super humiliating because the professors and other students got involved, and it ended up being a big production ending with the professor forcing this guy to work with me "because you have to work with all kinds of patients". I guess my awfulness has reached the point where working with me for 20 damn minutes is a "teachable moment"? Blerg.
Anyways, yesterday this guy splashed embalming fluid on my face (and didn't apologize!) and today I overheard him saying really mean things about me to other people in our year. I am kind of at the end of my rope, and my previous strategy of just ignoring him doesn't seem to be working.
Anyways, do you guys have any advice? I am worried that my professors will think less of me for complaining about his behavior because I am a young woman (and bitches always be complaining about bros being bros, am I right?).
@kitkat88 Maybe talk to him and say if he doesn't like you fine, whatever, but ask him to stop doing these things in front of professors? It sucks that he has an irrational dislike of you and basically is being an ginormous juicebox terrible asshole, but sometimes people are shitheads, and he has no drag you through the mud in front of your superiors just because of his shitheadedness.
@kitkat88 Yikes. What a juicebox. I don't have any good advice but this is such a bad situation that I'll try.
Talk to him directly. Think of what you want to say and how you're going to say it beforehand. Maybe practice a bit. Think of how he's probably going to react and decide how you're going to react to his reactions (he's probably going to be an asshole as usual, so, think of some responses to the asshole-y things he might say).
Do you have a professor who you consider a mentor or who you've gone to for advice? I wouldn't go to a professor who you don't have a previously established relationship with, because they probably would see it as not being their problem.
Perhaps you could talk to the professor of the class where he refused to be your partner, especially if another similar situation crops up again. Like, after the class, you could say "Professor, that situation today was very uncomfortable for me and, as you've seen, I'm having a very difficult time in my interactions with this person." And you could see if the prof has any recommendations or suggestions for you.
Anyway, I expect that his behaviour reflects a lot more poorly on him than it does on you. If you find yourself in a situation where you think "this dude just made me look like an idiot" for whatever reason, I would speak to the professor privately to explain (without being accusatory of the dude, because that could backfire somehow).
@kitkat88 There used to be a website that allowed you to anonymously send poop to someone through the mail, but since that got shut down for being illegal, I'd say either approach him directly or go the mentor route (if that person isn't going to think less of you for bringing it up). The other way to try to figure out how to approach him and what to say is to talk to some of your classmates who were in the group that heard him talking you down. They may have insight into *why* he illogically hates you, which gives you something to go on in having a direct conversation with him.
I don't expect that you confronting him will make it any better given that this person is clearly a child, but at least he'll know you have a backbone, and you may be able to disconnect a bit more knowing that you've tried. And, if you use the med school gossip mill to your favor, you can spread the word that you've spoken to him about his behavior, and then anything else he says/does to cut you down will, as @rasko says, make him look like even more of an asshole.
@kitkat88 I am so sorry this is happening to you. Do you have an idea of what HE thinks the problem is? Or is this really out of nowhere badness that has no explanation in his head?
I would honestly feel fine, myself, about being very, very direct. "Little Johnny Would-Be Doctor, what you just did/said is totally inappropriate and it needs to stop *now.*"
"That comment/action/snitfit you threw is totally unprofessional. You need to cut it out."
"Is there are particular reason you think it's okay to treat me really poorly, or is it just arbitrary? Either way, we're colleagues, not mortal enemies, and I have no interest in this situation escalating. So, either ignore me, or work collegially with me, but quit trying to harsh my mellow and antagonize me, because I am done with it."
If things don't improve, you can go to the director of studies for your year, or even a dean, and discuss how his unprofessional behavior is affecting you. I would especially do this if he is endangering your safety or your professional opportunities.
When the other students got involved, did you have a feeling for how they viewed the situation? I am guessing they know he is a juicebox, but you don't sound like you have a connection with anyone in your year?
:(
You shouldn't have to put up with this.
Also... embalming fluid splashing... WHAT??? How does someone accidentally splash another person with embalming fluid? Because if it wasn't accidental, it's ASSAULT.
@PistolPackinMama "I would honestly feel fine, myself, about being very, very direct. "Little Johnny Would-Be Doctor, what you just did/said is totally inappropriate and it needs to stop *now.*"
"That comment/action/snitfit you threw is totally unprofessional. You need to cut it out.""
Saying this kind of shit, especially in front of other people, would make me feel so AWESOME. it's such a cool, calm, reasoned and totally reasonable response.
and if somebody said that to me, especially in front of other people, I would be so ashamed of my behaviour!
@redheadedandcrazy Public shaming can be a quick route to a satisfactory end. People think they are allowed because they aren't challenged when they should be.
Also? If I were hearing that stuff from a classmate about a colleaue, I'd do the same. Poisonous work environments ARE NOT OK.
@PistolPackinMama Thank you so much for your advice! I wrote down "What you just did/said is totally inappropriate and it needs to stop now" on an index card, and I am practicing it so that I can say it calmly when the time comes!
It is really weird how much he hates me, because he started being a jerk to me immediately after we were introduced. I have seen him do stuff like this to other women in our class too, so he might just have a problem with women?
@HeyThatsMyBike Now I am sad that this mail poop thing doesn't exist! I think you are right about confronting him - I think showing him that I have a backbone will make me feel a lot better about the situation. He is being a child, and there is no way in heck I am letting a man-child mess up my career!
It sure sounds like this juicebox has problems with women. And I would bet money that smart, competent, confident women scare him, so he's mean to them. And less assertive women give off I AM A TARGET vibe, so he's mean to them, too.
The world does not need misogynist doctors!
And... can I just say... the more you write about him, the more my alarms are just going off-off-off-off. Agh! He's acting like an abuser!
Practicing is a good idea! In the shower, to your best friend, on the phone with your mom. Whatever. It helps to have the words be part of your muscle memory- sometimes they'll just come out of your mouth without your thinking about it too much. It's like throwing cold water on the interaction- just stops the whole thing in its tracks.
Also, you might consider the wisdom of documenting the stuff he says/does, in an email to yourself so it's time-stamped. Just in case it ever needs to go outside an interpersonal interaction.
Lastly... I am terrible with eye contact. Usually I get my point across because I am verbally quite direct and can be so blunt as to be a talking baseball bat. But in this case, if it were me, I would practice not only saying "stop that" I would practice a Serious Stone Cold Stare.
HIM: Inappropriate Comment
YOU: *stare* listen to me *pause, stare* that? Was completely out of line and you need to stop it. *pause stare* now and in the future *intimidating cock of eyebrow* ... *break eye contact* Now... where were we with wiping up the spilled embalming fluid? Can you hand me that microfiber cloth.
@kitkat88 If none of the above works (hopefully all the above will work), most schools' harassment policies will cover what this juicebox is pulling. At least on paper, students don't have to put up with this sort of bullying from other students in fucking medical school. You should be able to contact an ombudsman or file a complaint with someone if it continues and your professor and/or department chair refuse to do anything about it.
@all It seems impossible to me that any responsible med school wouldn't give this guy a serious "shape up right fucking NOW" talk/punishment, and kick him out if he didn't. Med schools can't have graduating psycho doctors on their consciences/reps, right? I am honestly terrified of the thought of this guy as a doctor, especially if he doesn't specify in some male-only field like prostate cancer or, I don't know, I'm a lady.
I am absolutely in favor of you confronting him, for your own self-esteem and peace of mind if nothing else! But above and beyond that, absolutely document every piece of shit he pulls on you, and inform your superiors/mentors/whatever you got. He is way past the point of "hazing" or whatever someone might want to excuse it as. (That someone is an idiot.)
You said you've seen him treat other women badly; maybe try to talk with them and organize among yourselves? First of all, having a group to commiserate with will probably relieve a lot of stress over the situation, and when you guys have built up a body of evidence (which will happen much faster with the group of you working together), going to the authorities as an Army of Outrage will be pretty hard for them to brush off, if they were so inclined.
Good luck! Let us know how your campaign of destruction goes.
O PS if you and your team (aka army of outrage) wanted to choreograph a dance number to Twisted Sister's "We're Not Going To Take It" and hack his computer so the video played over and over nonstop, and also maybe post it here, I would support you in that. Bonus for a reaction shot of his stupid embalmed juiceface.
sigh. decided yesterday/today that i need to put some friendships on hold because my friendship is clearly making things complicated for people. and that in turn is leading to behaviour that is hurting me. feel sad.
therefore, my goal for the next 6 months: make new friends!
@redheadedandcrazy
Seriously, how do people make friends and have a bunch of them, who all like hanging out together? I feel like I have three--my roommate (cop-out), my sister (bigger cop-out), and the dude I'm having sex with (genuine but doesn't hang out with the other two). I also got friend-dumped twice this year! Can we talk about getting friend dumped? Let's.
I'm still in college, and I always try to make a friend in every (HAH NEVER WORKS) class. But seriously, sometimes I try to engage a person and they just stare and then I have to figure out a new place to sit.
But, desperation prevails: I made a friend in my poetry classes, and she invited me over last night, so maybe that's something!
@Inkcrafter I also had a hard time making friends in class for some reason, despite being a relatively normal and social person! I would always make "in class" friends, and we'd have a good time and become FB buddies and all that. I'd think I was about to expand my social circle and be all happy about it, then I'd find out that the other people in class already were hanging out and already became real-life friends! I mean, plenty of times, those people just had more in common, but it is still frustrating.
@redheadedandcrazy
Good goal. Same as mine, except I'm not replacing old friends, I'm getting some! Who are all these people that have tons of besties from all periods of their lives? I'm just not very good at it I guess. I HATE talking on the phone or calling anyone I'm not really close with. I'm making a little progress recently. But at my age, making new friends seriously feels like dating. "Well, she seems nice but who knows? I guess we'll have to go out and spend time together. But what if she is crazy and stalks me? What if she dumps me?"
@elizabethfga I have a couple besties from major life stages (high school, college, my roommate how which doesn't count) and "friends" that aren't technically MY friends, since I only hang out with them when a good friend brings them along, but not much in between. I've never been the type to have 10 sometimes-friends to call up casually for plans or use an excuse to visit a city they just moved to. THOSE I would like to find more of!
@redheadedandcrazy I am horrible about making friends. But it's partly because most of the people that I know here are like, babies, and live at home with their parents still, and it makes me feel so old. PLuys I have a doggy so I can't really do like, spontaneous parties cuz I have to make sure he's taken care of before I go anywhere (not that I regret having my dog).
my main problem is that i'm really shy. like if somebody starts a conversation with me, i'm pretty extroverted and chatty, and i am good at making plans with people, and going out to things where i don't know a lot of people, but i have a LOT of trouble starting up a conversation
i dunno maybe i just overthink it (i definitely overthink it)
@redheadedandcrazy I have the opposite problem... I can start talking to someone no problem, but I always fizzle quickly and don't know how to keep it going.
I don't have any advice really, I made friends in law school, but they are now all on the other side of the country and I am back in my home town with the same ... really 1 friend since grade 8 that I've managed to hold onto.
I'm going to need friends if I'm going to be single soon.
@redheadedandcrazy @outoforder Guysssss... you are so young! Stop bumming me out already with your worries about having friends in life. Pin ups. Volunteering (for charities or groups with opinions you like). Following up with that person you met at the at wedding or whatever that you liked and said you wanted to have coffee with but never really did. You can do it! Just follow through on different plans, and you will be flush with people to hang with in no time.
@HeyThatsMyBike It's true! Actually following up on those "we should do something sometime yeah" thingies can work out and make you actual real friends! It works for me, whenever I decide to do it. And sometimes they don't work out, but hey, you had more stuff on your calendar for the week, which always makes me feel less useless and more productive/virtuous.
GARGH. What do you do when your brain is being dumb despite you knowing that it's being dumb?? For example, the times you feel (and would have sworn you looked) disappointingly fatter than usual at X weight, but now that your weight is X-minus-four-pounds, you suddenly feel (and would swear you look) so much more fit and less fat, and you're super happy about it? Even though it could mostly be accounted for by water weight and time of day? And that no one will notice, and even if they did, who fucking cares?
@cassandra.sandra.dee i think you're being way too hard on yourself! if losing some weight makes you feel happier, it's okay to feel happy about that.
plus, you're definitely allowed to be happy if you feel more fit! improved fitness (totally dissociated from anything to do with weight or body image or anything) is a Good Thing :)
@cassandra.sandra.dee Gurl, you lost 4 pounds. I don't care if it was your steak dinner that you "passed," 4 pounds of water weight, or 4 pounds of fat, but the point is that it is four pounds. Grounds for celebration! You're allowed to have a happy dance, fit girl!
I have a pair of black leggings that my mom bought for me last year from Banana Republic. They're amazing - soft, black, opaque, not baggy around the knee, long enough for me to pull down over my ankles, not too tight at the top. They're basically everything I didn't know I wanted in a legging.
They're starting to get a bit pilled though, and it'd be nice to have more than one pair for laundry purposes. I took a quick look on the Banana website, and THEY DONT SEEM TO HAVE ANY. What?? Who said that was okay? NOT me. There are some on the Gap website, but I'm wondering if they would be the same luxurious quality.
So, question: does anyone know about Gap's leggings? Does anyone have any other suggestions for beautiful black leggings (available in non-Toronto-Canada)? Has anyone felt and loved these beautiful Banana leggings that are currently hugging my legs like they're in the early stages of a new relationship and never want to be apart?
@crookedlegs dynamiiiiiite are dynamite leggings available outside of toronto (i mean i know they are available in other cities)? my leggings from dynamite cost me $10 and i literally wear them every day and they are the comfiest and have lasted over a year and i get compliments on them
@Megan Patterson@facebook Oooooh excellent point! And they have flat-rate shipping to Canada for $10, which sounds to me like a perfect excuse to order other items to make it "worth it". Logic! My favourite.
@redheadedandcrazy Dynamite! There's one in a mall here in Halifax and I haven't gone in for years. I will definitely check those out! Can't argue with $10.
@crookedlegs if you want some amazing leggings that will be all the things that your BR leggings are and PLUS they will not pill ever, get the wunder unders from lululemon. they are Investment Leggings, but you will have them for years and years and always love them and eventually forget how much you paid for them. Mine are four years old and i have done the following in them: marathon training, dancing, lounging, yoga-ing, wearing to work on casual day, wearing them as tights under hiking pants everysingleday during 12-day camping trip, surviving 10-hour flight...and they still look new with some minor pillage in the inner-thigh area.
@crookedlegs I have these really great leggings from Roots, of all place. Fleecy-soft on the inside and smooth on the outside so I can wear them with skirts in the winter. I don't know if these are them, but maybe?
@sodette I don't, but I have several friends who do and I think it depends what you want to do with it. Like, I know about seven unemployed curators, but several employed gallery assistants and a few who are now do administration stuff in art schools or galleries.
I just have to say this to the world: my best friend unlocked and deleted all the locked texts on my phone (so I wouldn't have to reread 'em) from the ex and the one from his mom.
YES YES ALMOST FREE.
@wharrgarbl
Although I thought I'd be braver deleting them myself, it was super rewarding to hear him go through the texts.
"What? WHAT? What a FUCK this guy is! ...This one just says "Oh god I wrote a poem about it." Oh--how ELSE are you supposed to construe "I'd sure like to see ya"?! What a fuck. What a fuck."
@Inkcrafter Sometimes we feel braver doing things like that ourselves, sometimes we just wind up wallowing in pain we didn't need to go through. Plus, if you need another hit of re-affirmation, you could bake your friend a cake and put "Thank you for deleting all that fuck's texts" on it. He would probably shake his head and go "This cake is delicious, and also, my god, what a fuck that dude was."
@wharrgarbl
Dude LOVES food, and that sounds like exactly his reaction. That's a wonderful idea. Thanks! I'll have to do a sheet cake so I have enough room.
@squid v. whale When I had the stomach flu, I had a little spray bottle of tile cleaner and a roll of paper towels next to the toilet, and every time I threw up I sprayed the hell out of the whole room (we have a European-style bathroom, so it's just a toilet nook). True story. My gentleman was laughing at me.
I am sure no one is on this pretty much dead thread. But if you are on this thread... can I just say two weird propositions online today have slayed my spirit when it comes to dating. I am going to concentrate on learning to run, curating a fabulous shoe collection, and mastering a gel eyeliner because I am pretty much done for now. Which is a pity, because dating is fun. But not fun enough to deal with the other stuff. :(
SHE: Summiting Mount Washmore... I need to do laundry.
HE: Wanna summit something else *wink wink*
SHE: Uh, no, thanks all the same.
--- on reading, that's just your standard not very subtle dude-message, but boy he went from Innocent Nose Comment to Let's Fuck in about thirty seconds---
And the other one was a mix of hah-hah those kids and their sexting comments; references to what I think is some kind of sex practice, but Urban Dictionary wasn't being helpful there; mundane queries about the weather; and a poor choice of icon that looks like a cross between V for Vendetta and folk puppets.
Also... do *you* know what "blading" is? Urban dictionary says it's a wrestling term?
I have a thing about hiding guy's profiles who are snotfaces about HWP issues. It clearly is a thing that pisses me off and I am just warning people off the issue and my profile if it is their issue.
SO.
What the fuck is it with the casual conversation questions about "what are HWP issues?" I have a standard cut and paste, which is very salty, about how fake science euphemisms for "I don't date fat chicks" are past stupid and well into the world of contemptible.
People don't usually write back after I send that note, which is fine with me. Partially, because that shit pisses me off. But also because I spend my days with people who don't have the initiative or curiosity to LOOK IT UP JEEZ and I would like to avoid that in my free time. But also because it's pretty easy to intuit that of all the things that you could talk to me about, avoid that one, and using intuition is also good.
*blah* The dating aspect of humanity is no longer a source of delight and adventure any more. I would rather have new shoes.
@PistolPackinMama Blading? Nooo. I'll bet he just made it up to sound hip.
Also all that is pretty bad, but not as weird as I was expecting. I'm pretty sure 30 seconds is standard dude time for propositioning.
@Megan Patterson@facebook V for Vendetta just used a quote from Hamlet (SHAKESPEARE'S LONGEST PLAY) in an email where he tells me I am too verbose.
Um.
Specifically he said "the lady doth protest too much" as if quoting the Bard somehow makes what you have to say The Gospel Truth. And also, the fastest way to piss me off is to tell me I don't mean what I say, when I say it.
If you don't take my answer for an answer when it's trivial, how do I know you will take NO for my answer when it's actually a NO?
Aaaaand finally, another dude emailed, whose profile is basically soliciting someone for diaper play. Which is in itself completely neutral, since sexytimes preferences are sexytimes preferences and whatever. But no, that's not really my thing. So.
@Megan Patterson@facebook OKC, the great internet fishing weir, against which the treasures and terrifying scraps of life's flotsam and jetsam get caught.
@PistolPackinMama Off of which drunk dudes taking a leak will fall and then drown and then be snorted over by the cops called to haul out their corpses because come on, guys, have some dignity.
@PistolPackinMama Tell me he at least didn't say "though she be but little, she is fierce" because then you might need to punch him through the screen.
@miwome Hah hah hahhhhhhh. No, thankfully not. Which is good because I am not little, even if I am fierce. I don't get the feeling he's actually much of an Early Modern drama reader anyway.
@wharrgarbl That's a pretty apt extension of the metaphor, I think. Juiceboxes. So many of them.
@PistolPackinMama: I really like the flavor and overall function of OKC - even after their purchase by Match they seem to keep a healthy autonomy. However, like, the entire idea of any dating website is to basically match people up. If you're not making those connections, you're not doing a good job (as a dating website), and this is where they basically all fail.
For a long time I've had ideas percolating in my mind about what would cut to the core of the experience, and get rid of all the static. If I had a site, my main attraction would be an extremely strict No BS policy via self policing; $10 lifetime membership, just once, but being crappy earns temp bans or getting kicked off the site very, very easily. Then, the offender can get back on with $10 if they want. Just a little money stops people from screwing around so much since they now have something at stake. This is all powered by the fact that almost everything you can do on the site can be rated by other people. Send a message? The recipient has a little thumbs up or thumbs down they can give. Stuff like that. I just think the experience can be so much better than it currently is.
@Too Much Internet I can see the appeal to a system like that. But I would worry that would turn out to be a bit Hottie-or-Nottie-ish. You know, like people would be thumbs downing Guy With A Thing for Diapering (or a thing for anal, or being fat, or whatever) because of a perfectly acceptable sexual thing, rather than for what I would call red flag behavior. Like, sexist or disrespectful language.
If web dating was like web Hairpinning, I would be on board, because 'Pinners are kind of awesome across the board, even if one doesn't want to kiss them. But since people are kind of juiceboxey, and we all have to look around in The Great Costco Aisles of Romance for dating partners, I dunno. What I am saying is, I am not sure I trust other people's judgment like I trust my own.
I want an Internet Yenta. Like, she could just set me up and I could show up after potential mates made it through Matchmaking Aunties Online and we could see how it goes. There could be musical numbers and everything!
![](http://thehairpin.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/shutterstock_5974243-640x426.jpg "/**\ /**\ /**\")
[The sound of wind and an animal howling in the distance.]
What is it with this abandoned house imagery? Is that what you think of us, Edith? Are we just spectres haunting the circuits of your typing screen?
@Bus Driver Stu Benedict Prove to me you're not.
@Bus Driver Stu Benedict No but I've just been enjoying the "haunted house" results on Shutterstock. I'll retire it. :-/
@Edith Zimmerman Noo, the crooked broken down houses are great! They symbolise the death of the weekday.
@Edith Zimmerman What does the alt text mean? I see snow covered mountains, or maybe three people with their hands up to their eyes like they're trying to search for someone in the distance.
I vote number two based on context, but I'm wrong, aren't I?
@NeenerNeener I wondered that myself. Both seem like possibilities.
@NeenerNeener Three spectres!
@jen325 - I think they're ghosts!
@Edith Zimmerman What noo! I wasn't complaining! Just trying to make a joke about solipsism and glowy word boxes and so on. Unless you really are worried about that...
Also the #WOLVES tag is underutilized.
@NeenerNeener Ghosts?
@Brunhilde It all makes sense now.
There's nothing quite like commiserating with a friend over a bad kisser.
That was my funny moment of the day.
@j-bird (Insert eerie clicking dry-lipped noises here. . . .)
My week:
- Got the stomach flu
- Gave it to my roommate (sorry, roommate!)
- Secretly hoping she gives it to her juicebox boyfriend
@squid v. whale Dude, take a page from Jolie and bleach bomb your entire apartment. Stomach flu germs can survive on surfaces and give it to you again. It is The Worst.
@Daisy Razor UGH really? That sounds terrible (hope it didn't happen to you!) Luckily, all of our walls and kitchen/bathroom surfaces are white w/ white tile (augh, rental space) so I can bleach freely!
@Daisy Razor do it! My roommate has the flu and I've been following him around w/ a spray can of lysol all week. I'm not currently his favorite person but whatever, down with germs!
@squid v. whale It happened to a coworker of mine, and she gave it to me the second time she got it. No. Fun.
But! I bleached the hell out of the bathroom where I camped out for the duration of the flu, and none of my roommates caught it.
@squid v. whale CDC says 5 tablespoons bleachie per 1 gallon of water for stomach flu viruses. Put it in a spray bottle and shake gently to mix. Spray and wipe. Spray (but don't wipe) your shower tile grout while you're at it!
@squid v. whale When I had the stomach flu, I had a little spray bottle of tile cleaner and a roll of paper towels next to the toilet, and every time I threw up I sprayed the hell out of the whole room (we have a European-style bathroom, so it's just a toilet nook). True story. My gentleman was laughing at me.
I would like to thank Emily Panic for recommending Lime Crime lipsticks in her post from the way back (http://thehairpin.com/2011/11/how-to-go-on-tour) and subsequently improving my life. Centrifuschia, yo.
@Princess Langwidere really? because i've heard some bad things about lime crime-- stealing, and bad customer service, and all sorts of scandal
@shhhhk Really back? That blows. My experience with both the company and the product has been delightful. Got any links to the bad stuff?
My friend just recommended craniosacral therapy (not for anything specific, just for a glowy, good feeling), which I had never heard of. Anyone have any experiences?
@NeenerNeener Well, it sounds like it might feel nice, but jeebus does it give me the willies and set off my spidey sense when I read alt-med things like "tune into the craniosacral rhythm."
@NeenerNeener I am usually super skeptical of that kind of thing, but after a week of head-splitting headaches, one session of craniosacral therapy completely cured it. It could be that something else happened the exact same day to fix it, but the headaches came out of nowhere and I didn't change anything about my life, so I kind of feel like that was it. They don't touch you, really, so worst case scenario is you're out the cost of the session -- it definitely won't make you worse.
@NeenerNeener If you decide to do it, I suggest that you see an osteopathic physician (a D.O.). They are physicians that are trained just like MD's/take the same boards/do the same residencies, so they won't do anything potentially dangerous (although most osteopathic doctors don't do osteopathic manipulation as part of their practice, so you would have to find one that is a specialist).
I suggest going to a physician because the vertebral arteries supply blood to the brain and they pass through your cervical vertebrae - and messing with cervical vertebrae can result vertebral artery dissection, which is basically a stroke. I will admit, I have had my cervical vertebrae "cracked" by an osteopathic doctor, but I had a structural problem from a car accident and the doctor I saw had done a family medicine/osteopathic medicine double residency.
Honestly though, if you don't have a specific pain issue I would just look up youtube videos of people doing something called "osteopathic manual manipulation" and have your friend/significant other/whatever do it on you. The techniques are very simple, and I don't think that a osteopathic doctor would see you if don't have a specific complaint. The techniques I would look up are: direct myofasical release, muscle energy, and "bowstringing". These things are basically impossible to screw up and are just a hybrid of massage/physical therapy. Whatever you do, don't try anything that involves cracking.
Sorry for writing a novel! I am kind of into this stuff because my mentor in undergrad was a osteopathic doctor and my bestie is going to an osteopathic medical school.
@Emby Haha, yeah, that scares me too! Also, the sacrum and the cranium are on total opposite ends of the spinal cord?
I taught a bunch of college freshmen about Beethoven and made several jokes about orgasms which shocked them
I am now halfway through ZELDA: TWILIGHT PRINCESS and am having dreams about it
Hanging out tonight with first boy I ever really frenched
TGIF
@dracula's ghost Ooooooh, Twilight Princess dreams!
@dracula's ghost OK, so my husband is a die-hard Zelda fan, but he is cheating on her with Skyrim and LOVES it. Just FYI, if you're looking for the next thing after Twilight Princess.
@dracula's ghost: Beethoven's orgasms, or just orgasms in general? Because if it's the former, SPILL.
@dracula's ghost: Twilight Princess's ending is... well, it is good. And frustrating.
I've been baking cookies lately, and they keep getting really flat in the oven instead of, like, puffy and delicious. Why? Any bakers who are good at this kind of thing?
@Emby I think old baking soda (or powder?) can cause that.
@Emby A lot of cookies will puff up and then flatten when heat is removed from the equation. You can try use recipes with higher flour-to-liquid ratios and solid shortening instead of oil, which will make them more cake-ish.
@Emby Your baking powder or baking soda could be old. I forget which. Probably either?
@Emby Your baking soda and/or powder may be worn out and unfizzy.
eta: gd it!
@phlox Huh. Interesting diagnosis, seeing as my baking soda is really really old. Embarrassingly old. I didn't know it could go bad! That very well might be the problem.
@Emby YES. Several things:
1. Check your oven temp with an actual real oven thermometer. I did this and found out my oven was running hot--25 degrees above what it said.
2. Add more flour to your cookies. This is my dad's method and it is perfect.
3. Chill your dough in the fridge/freezer before scooping/baking. This helps re-chill the butter so things don't get all runny. (It has the added bonus of FROZEN COOKIE DOUGH BALLS.)
4. Are you baking directly on a cookie/baking sheet, especially a dark-colored one? That can add to it. If you use a silpat or parchment paper, it can help the cookies hold on to the baking surface a little better.
@Emby Depends on the recipe. Generally I'd suggest keeping your butter cool or cold when blending it in, and/or chilling the dough before you handle it and bake it. I've found using shortening (ie, Crisco) instead of butter will also give you a bigger cookie.
@Emby Thanks everyone!!!
Also, @Third Wave Housewife I had no idea that I could use shortening instead of oil. I do like cake-ish cookies.
Baking is a brave new world for me. I'm a pretty awesome cook, if I say so myself, but baking has always seemed just like witchcraft to me. But I want to learn its witchy ways!
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Seconded. More flour/chilled dough has solved the vast majority of my runny-flat-cookie problems.
@Emby You should absolutely learn its witchy ways! It is pretty much science+magic=deliciousness. I used to be absolutely terrible at baking (I attracted disasters like a magnet) but something just kind of clicked last year and now I love it more than anything.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I do already use parchment paper, but I will take your other suggestions to heart! Thanks!
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I have heard that the best cookies are created when chilled for 24 to 32 hours. However, I don't have the patience for that. Does this mean it's probably true?
@meetapossum Yes. I always assume that patience makes everything taste better, and yet I have none, so I let my pizza dough rise for like 20 minutes and mumble and grumble later when I'm chewing on flat, boring crust.
@Emby I have similar impatience with pizza dough, so I found this recipe and use it all the time instead. Except I load it up with toppings and it stays nice and chewy.
@Emby I also microwave my butter for cookies when I forget to leave it out to soften, so what @area@twitter says about keeping the butter chilled completely blows my mind!
@meetapossum My solution to this is to not cook all the batter at once. So the first night you make only however many cookies you're going to eat and then let the batter chill and then on later evenings you have more rested cookies. (You can also freeze it and bake from frozen if you have any left after a couple days.) Bonus to this is that you always get just-baked cookies.
@Emby Definitely use shortening instead of oil (assuming you don't want to use butter).
@Emby Are you sure the recipe isn't flawed? I tried almost all of these tricks once with a Martha Stewart chocolate chip cookie recipe and it turns out there was a big ole error in the recipe. I was so sad and frustrated because the cookies were for a musician friend of mine who had been in a huge car accident and broke his hand (piano player! ah!). They just kept turning to runny pancakes on the cookie sheet and generally ruining my oven until I used a different recipe and everything worked out a-ok.
Sidenote, musician friend totally healed and is still the finest pianist I have ever known. (that's not a double entendre, ladies.)
@Emby I owe every good chocolate chip cookie I've made to Alton Brown : http://www.foodnetwork.com/good-eats/three-chips-for-sister-marsha/index.html
I usually do a combo of the chewy cookie & the puffy one. Mmmm.
@ms. alex YES to Alton Brown. A gozillion times yes. His chewy recipe is one of my favorites. (Smitten Kitchen's Crispy Chewy Chocolate Chip is my other, though I usually dial down the vanilla a smidge.)
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Yes all of these tips are perfect. In addition to the Alton Brown Chewy, I also love the New York Times Chocolate Chip cookie recipe (the one that recommended the 24 hour chill in the fridge. It really does make them super delicious, but for those of us who want cookies NOW, what I do is make the dough and then bake like three cookies so I can eat a few and let the rest of the dough hang out in the fridge overnightish.
@Emby - Bake bread!!! It's surprisingly easy compared to a lot of other baking, especially if you make like, baguettes. And the thing is, w/ bread, freshness is soooooo special that a mediocre baguette which is only minutes old still tastes AMAZING compared to most other bread you ever eat.
Plus, you can carve your name into it before you bake it, and it looks awesome when it's done. I'm pretty much a 13 year old, so I also find it amusing to draw crude genitalia on the surface of the bread with caraway seeds or rosemary.
@phlox also, an anecdote about pizza dough, most pizza shops will sell you dough balls so you can have a backup incase your dough is just weird and crackery but you really want to use your fancy grill top pizza stone (also, dough related laziness).
I tried to get my boss to talk to me about my night shift misery yesterday and she sent me some unreadable text messages that ended with "we can talk Monday." Pretty sure if she doesn't offer me a new job- really and truly tell me I will have a new shift by the end of February- I have to quit :/
@Third Wave Housewife ugh. sorry, lady. Hope it works out.
@Third Wave Housewife Aw, yeah, I'm sorry... but only kinda, since you recently posted how much you were disliking your work lately, so it may be for the best!
@SarahP It's just infuriating that the only thing making me hate it is the shift! And the girl who works the day shift has no investment in her work, and nor does anyone else there. Granted, a job is a job, and not everyone has to love it, but it's crushing nonetheless.
@Third Wave Housewife
But you have the best job-related stories! We need you!
@Third Wave Housewife ugh nightshifts destroyed my life/health/sanity. especially since i was shifting from days to nights to days all within the same week. After an outrageous event and my finally standing up for myself, I'm off nights. Good luck on Monday!!
@josiah ugh I know I am so sad! Aside from the stories, I really and truly like my job! I love when a couple lets me help them pick out porn and a vibrator! It makes my heart grow three times bigger!
@A Dolly I'm terrified my boss is going to dangle a new job in front of me indefinitely because it can be so hard for her to find decent people to work nights. Argggggh. Thank you, I am going to stand up for myself big time, because I can't deal anymore :(
@Third Wave Housewife I feel your pain; I worked night shift for a long time, and it is SO difficult. So, so difficult. Especially in the winter. I really hope you're able to change your shift :\
It is almost 4 and I am still mostly in my PJs because I've been working on my thesis all day. It is THISCLOSE to being done (the first draft, at least. But that's the hardest part, right? Right?). I am planning on much beer and celebration tonight.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher This early in the semester? You deserve beer AND cake.
@squid v. whale YAY. (ps: If I started a bar that served only alcohol and desserts, you guys would come, right?)
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher It is! Congratulations. Be sure to squeeze a trashy movie/magazine/novel in there someplace as well.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Ahh I read that as "I'm almost 4 ..." and I was like OMG Baby Readers!!! But, more important: congratulations!!
@Edith Zimmerman @MerelyGoodExpectations Thanks everybody! Now opening the floor to trashy novel suggestions, because I am sick of reading about gas stations.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Well done, you!!! I have to finish, um, one of my four chapters, and my intro and conclusion, before my thesis first draft can really be called "done." But the due date is six weeks out and my advisor is like, impossible to get ahold of so I am quietly panicking???
Have a relaxing weekend involving beer!!!
@The Lady of Shalott Best advice I had was to read somebody else's thesis. They're all suprisingly bad. Bad writing, errors, and a bit thin on substance. Always an ego-boost.
@The Lady of Shalott You got this. Make a progress chart/list/etc because crossing things off feels GOOD.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I think trashy novels are seasonal, like craft beers or espadrilles. Midwinter calls for something a little dark, with a supernatural theme, may I suggest something such as Waking the Moon or another Elizabeth Hand book?
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I'm in! Sounds like the perfect place to commiserate on trashy novel titles.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher If you started a bar that served only alcohol and desserts, you would hire me to drink all the alcohol and bake things, right?
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher They have one of those in my town!
POP Champagne & Dessert Bar! Super fun.
@byrneunit Well I can't work all the time, so of course.
@LRMG Where is this magical place?
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher It's in Pasadena, California.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher @LRMG OHHHH this is my post-graduation plan, except I'm picturing something more...pub-like, where there isn't food other than desserts, and churros don't cost 9 bucks.
@LRMG I want to go to there.
@squid v. whale It is maybe the best idea ever.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Trashy novels! I am here for you. The entire Kushiel's Dart series is pretentious and sexytimey (in BDSMy ways, warning) but totally absorbing. Imagine a religion that is basically all about sex, in a sort of mishmash of Regency England, The Eternal Paris We All Imagine, and Medieval Europe. From the point of view of a courtesan/spy. With a Viking war and stuff!
Also, I don't think Uglies is exactly trashy, but it's a really fun read. And have you read any Thursday Next, because the first one at least is a good time! It's trash for highly educated people, which basically means lit and grammar jokes all the time. Annnnnd I could go on, feel free to encourage me.
In other news, if you did start said bar I would be there all the time, and theses! Are killers. Congratulations!
@miwome "Imagine a religion that is basically all about sex, in a sort of mishmash of Regency England, The Eternal Paris We All Imagine, and Medieval Europe. From the point of view of a courtesan/spy. With a Viking war and stuff!"
WHAT. Must find immediately. And yes, love me some Thursday Next, even though I've just reaad the first one!
(And thank you!)
(ps: We're putting your rum float on the menu at the bar asap)
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher It's here! And I didn't even mention the hot warrior priest yet. Oh, you are going to have such fun! There are three books and then a spinoff series, so lots of trashiness to run through.
I will be sucking down that float at the bar ASAP. No really, I'm going to the kind of bar where they do whatever you want, and I'm going to see if I can make them do this.
@miwome I'm going to a brand-new beer bar type place tonight, and am going to throw the idea of beer floats at them.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher It turns out I'm actually going to a different bar, which may or may not offer such things (but it's new! And by the proprietors of my favorite bar, so! I'm excited!), but I will see what they say. WE SHALL COMPARE NOTES.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher and @MerelyGoodExpectations; I don't know exacty if this book qualifies as "trashy" but I know I wouldn't call it classy. It fits into the "supernatural" theme, slightly, though. Check out "Rebel" by Zoe Archer. And maybe other books in that series(Which is called 'Blades of the Rose'), though I haven't read any others yet. Just a suggestion. :3
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher So where I ended up going was floatless, sad, but I come bearing a video that I think you will enjoy. Think of it as a congratulations re: your thesis draft: mostly naked Russian boys singing saccharine pop music, yes!
I sent in my last grad application this week, and now I literally have nothing to do with my life (I'm not in school right now). It's SO WEIRD. I've honestly never had nothing to do before - there's always been some sort of project.
@Lucienne HOORAY! That is an awesome feeling, congrats. Now to wait until the acceptance letters start rolling in.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I thought it would be awesome, but it is mostly just confusing!
Thanks for the good wishes, I am trying to keep my expectations low because ... otherwise I'll slit my wrists.
@Lucienne DISTRACT YO'SELF. The waiting/agonizing was the worst, as I am a fairly anxious person by nature. Go enjoy not having the weight of deadlines hanging over your head!
@Lucienne Me too! It doesn't actually feel good, because I want to know RIGHT NOW. I like planning things, and it's weird not knowing whether I'll be working in the fall, or at grad school.
@Lucienne I have nothing to do too!!! I just finished my thesis properly. I followed my spouse to the states, I have nothing to do and no permission to work. BORED. The worst thing is, while in thesis-hell I had all these fantasies about reading in a cafe all afternoon, but we're crazy poor so I'm pretty much at home on the hairpin all day. Can't even tackle new baking projects to re-create a taste of home (UK).
@Lucienne I am also waiting to her back from my PhD application and it is TOTALLY NERVE-WRACKING. Distract yourself. Reading of the Hairpin is highly encouraged! Do all the craft projects at once!!!
@Aubergines Congrats and high five! I will (hopefully) soon be where you are and can't wait. Yay!
@Lucienne I'm in the same boat--waiting for Gradot...that was terrible. shoot me.
But I've been doing all the shit that I know I won't have time to do in grad school, like...making cute little paper hearts garlands that I will probably throw out in three weeks. YAY
@Lady_Terminator Me too! Except last week I ran into two people I know who are on the admissions committee and all I wanted to ask about was if they had decided yet but the decisions don't officially go out until April so I can't ask yet.
@Aubergines Oh, no! I actually have two part-time jobs, so it's just the "no transcendence for you!" feeling that's making me nuts. Can you go to your public library? It will help you live out that cafe fantasy more cheaply.
@c8te It's also bad because some programs have let people know already - I have the gradcafe list for my program open pretty much all the time, to no real purpose.
@Lucienne @Lady of Shalott @Lady_Terminator @phlox I just sent in my grad school application, but I only sent in one, because it's a pretty specialized program and after researching schools for more than a year it's the only one I want to get into...BUT! I have no backup! That is so scary!
What if I don't get in? What if they read my personal statement and are like "this girl be cray"? WHAT IF THEY HAAAAAAAATE MEEEEEEEEEEE??!!?!?!!?!
At least mine is rolling admission, so if they do hate me I'll find out sooner rather than later and can get started on the sobbing right away.
Good luck to all of us!
i smell like prada candy, god bless miuccia
Found out my ex is dating someone new and it registered zero on the stabby reaction scale. Is this what being an adult with manageable emotions is like? Starting my ticker-tape parade here!
@chrysopoeia YAY!
@chrysopoeia Had the EXACT same experience this week, no reaction and a realization that whomever he's dating has no impact on my life whatsoever. I took it as a good sign of being well and truly over him. Yay!
Now to figure out what's going on with Mr. Single Dad, a.k.a. Answers-My-Emails-But-Doesn't-Seem-So-Keen-To-Initiate. I know he's busy, but who isn't? We have a fine time when we hang out, but I can't get a read on him, i.e. does he LIKE like me, or am I just pleasant company to him? (I am, actually, extremely pleasant company!) Will he EVER try to kiss me properly (lips on lips, possibly some tongue) or am I doomed to remain in this nebulous friend territory?? WHAT is going on inside his HEAD??? We had a 10 hour date!! It was awesome, I thought we connected, so WTF???
Any advice on whether I should actually say this to the dude? We haven't hung out in two weeks or so, and have had some email contact (I happen to know he's working on a few things right now, so...) but it kind of feels like the momentum has petered out a bit, and I don't know if that's just because he's distracted with other things or he's really just not that interested. But then again, if a dude's into you, wants to get to know you, distractions aren't going to keep him from making an effort, no?
Dude 'pinners, I would appreciate your manly input here.
@chrysopoeia Well Done!!!!!
@sugarfree Is he recently a single dad? Might just be cautious at this point.
@chrysopoeia Nope, his kid is about to go away to university, and he's been a single dad for pretty much the whole time he's been a dad (not a deadbeat dad or anything, his kid has pretty much lived with him full time). So the usual single dad-isms are not exactly the same, but I know the kid was going through exams/projects of late, so he wanted to be around to help out, that's one thing. He's a pretty devoted father, it's quite lovely.
@chrysopoeia So, no MURDER ;) texts, then?
@sugarfree
If I were in your shoes... I dunno, I'd say "ask him" but how do you even formulate that question? Not in words, at least. So ask him, with your lips on his lips, and read his body language for all your answers.
@chrysopoeia @sugarfree Me three!! Yay to no stabby reactions!
@chrysopoeia Congratulations! I'm high-fiving you through the Internet.
@chrysopoeia Congrats to the no stabbiness! You've achieved my goal- it's been almost a year since my ex and I split up and I still get stabby reactions when I even think about him. Does it go away? Does it get better? Please tell me everything will be ok eventually, or at least how you achieved your non-stabbiness...
@LittleBookofCalm It's a multi-pronged approach you have to take. First off, did you ever let yourself get angry, I mean, truly, unbelievably livid, at whatever your ex did/said/whatever that contributed to the break up? Sometimes this is easier; in my case, my boneheaded ex made all manner of completely insensitive comments to my face, and I TOOK THEM at the time, so the angry came easy. I got angry at myself too, and accepted the fact that I put up with certain things at the time, for my own reasons which I had to make peace with. This can be a hard part, facing what you put up with in order to get "love," which is I think what a lot of us gals sometimes do. I let myself be as angry as I needed to be, to get what I think of as "lift off velocity," to pull myself away from the situation I was in with him.
This is the other side of it though: you have to look within yourself and think about all the things you want your life to be. Who you want to be, who you imagine being with as you make your way in life: who supports you being yourself? What kind of person? Not just a romantic partner but even friends. If your ex were that person, you would still be together. That stabby feeling is your ego, the wounding of your ego; if you can remind yourself of that, and remind yourself also that nothing that he does bears any importance on your life going forward, that it doesn't matter if he meets someone new, if he has sex with someone new, none of that has any relevance to your life, you will get past those awful pangs.
The more you focus your energies on ways to make your life awesome for yourself, really and truly great, the less it will matter what he's doing or with whom. You will simply be happy with who you are, where you are, which is the whole point of life, really. And it will be okay eventually: the heart and everything else we contain are fortunately quite resilient.
Within the next ten minutes I will have finished all but TWO THINGS on this week's To-Do list! (Those two things were a bit of a stretch anyway.)
I have a lot of duty free rum, what should I make with it?
@thenotestaken Rum punch! Rum cake!
@thenotestaken mojitios
@thenotestaken Depends: is it white or dark?
@thenotestaken New friends!
@thenotestaken ICE CREAM. (I had to do a little math to get the amounts right for swapping rum for Bailey's, and then added extra cream. Amazing.)
@thenotestaken What kind of rum? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caipirinha
@thenotestaken Grog!
@thenotestaken Dark and Stormy's. With goya ginger beer. Tongue burningly good.
@Lucienne Mount Gay Eclipse--medium? I'm new to the liquor game!
@chrysopoeia Caipirinhas are really good; my drunkard Spanish roommates and I once mixed up a saucepan of them and then drank out of ti with straws. Those were good times.
@c8te Oooh I've been on such a ginger kick lately! Good call!
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Hell fucking yes. LOVE him! His fresh ginger cake was the hit of my last dinner party, I got like three recipe requests!
@thenotestaken I've never had that! You should make daiquiris, because they're perfect (they're nearly the same as caipirinhas).
@thenotestaken Mount Gay is the best rum, but I'm probably just saying that because my dad is Bajan.
I make iced coffees with rum, some Tia Maria or Kahlua, a cup of strong black coffee, a splash of Irish cream, and some milk.
@applestoapples Gimme.
@thenotestaken Ooh, I made a great rum cake a few weeks ago...here you go (that's not my blog, and I cut the recipe in half and used one loaf pan, but I should have used two because everyone loved it and ate the whole thing).
balls
@c8te: Love dark 'n' stormies but somehow they are only allowable for me in the summer, preferably on the back patio as prelude to a nice barbecue. Maybe drinking them in the winter would make it feel more like summer though...
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher AND THEN MAKE IT A FLOAT. Rum and root beer can be good together! Or chicken out and use coke, it's fine.
@miwome OH GOD YOU ARE A GENIUS. Do you give life lessons? I am interested in your newsletter.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher :D
@thenotestaken Mojito cake. Mojito cupcakes. Ok, they won't make much of a dent in the rum supply. But still. MOJITO cake.
So, I'm all caught up on Dance Moms, and I finished My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Suggestions for a new reality TV obsession?
@MerelyGoodExpectations I suggest Hoarders and Toddlers & Tiaras... but only if you aren't worried that your face will freeze into a permanent "WTF?"
@Hellcat So... Hoarders appears to be on Netflix Instand, which is the best/worst news I've had all day.
@MerelyGoodExpectations I couldn't watch hoarders... The cat hoarders are the worst...
@MerelyGoodExpectations Do it... but, for god's sake, be careful!
@Xaxa Oh no.
@MerelyGoodExpectations It's not just the mess, it's the poor cats...
Hoarders is the best thing to have playing while you clean. Your conscious will go to its happy place, and once you wake up, the house will smell like bleachie and everything will be gone.
@MerelyGoodExpectations I am personally a huge fan of Australia's Next Top Model, which you can find online streaming with some judicious Googling. It's much awesomer than America's NTM.
I'm still pretty stoked about snagging tickets for a Valentine's Day burlesque show. Pretty naked ladies showing off their fabulous dance routines and voices ftw!
@wharrgarbl I'm so jealous! They do a Burlesque show where I live every so often, but I haven't had the chance to go to one yet. Someday I will go!
@TimeLordNinjaWizard The same troupe did a Halloween show that was so good I can't even tell you. The costumes! The dances!
You should totally go the next time you get the chance.
@wharrgarbl Oooo! One of my nursey coworkers is also a burlesque dancer--a very good one. I can't wait to see one of her shows, when my schedule and hers finally work out!
Going to a wine and chocolate party Saturday night. Delicious.
@area@twitter I'm so so so jealous. I want to be doing...anything tonight or tomorrow night other than going to work.
GalleyCat had this great link to the New York Public Library to create your own sterograms. You know, in case you need to kill time for another hour while at work.
i have been psyching myself up to get a manicure all week but i can't, because the thought of making smalltalk with the nail lady is giving my hives. and my hand itches where my cat scratched me when i gave her her medicine :(
@LeafySeaDragon Will this help cheer you up, if not psych you up?
http://www.nanceestar.com/CatPill.html
@LeafySeaDragon This made me laugh--not because I think your situation is hilarious but because I sometimes avoid things based on hypothetical smalltalk too.
@Hellcat Same. Sometimes I just lie to avoid talking more. I'm afraid one of you is going to tell me that's a sign of being a sociopath.
@Lady_Terminator If that's true, you're in good company, you psycho.
@LeafySeaDragon I had this one extremely brisk, silent lady give me a manicure at my nail place like a month ago. I loved it. I LOVED IT. She wouldn't look at me, wouldn't talk to me, nothing. But she hasn't been there on my last two visits! I've gotten chatty, smiley ladies. Oh where is my evil ice queen manicurist? Where is she??
@Lady_Terminator That's a sign of being a sociopath. (I'm lying.)
@LeafySeaDragon I have a really irrational fear of having to make small talk with manicurist and hair stylists. It's just SO AWKWARD.
Place your bets now on how big this week's open thread gets! I'm saying 950.
Guys? I just finished a crazy project that I've been working non-stop since before Thanksgiving...and now I'm actually not sure what to do with myself.
Also, I took people's advice and unsubscribed from my ex's facebook updates and it made a big difference. It's not like I was getting depressed or anything beforehand, but it was like a tiny little daily dagger to my brain to see those updates, and now it's like my sea is always one wave calmer.
@Emby hoooo boy that IS a good feeling.
I dunno if it's causing grief in my friend group that I have my ex blocked still, so if I create an event, then invite all his friends, i can't invite him (not that i want him there but for the sake of diplomacy) so then i get somebody else to invite him, but then every time i explicitly have to tell people to invite him because nobody seems to get the damn hint
wow this got ALL ABOUT ME real fast. Notwithstanding, It's a GOOOOOD feeling not seeing that shit.
@Emby Speaking of joy and calmness--your mini-profile quote is my favorite Jack Gilbert poem! I want to be ingots of copper. Well done.
(Other favorite is, perhaps, more appropriate but less fun.)
@wallsdonotfall Yay! It's right up there with my favorite poems in general. And it perfectly marries my love of poetry and linguistics. And mysterious dead languages.
Yes, that one is fantastic, also. It's a nice take on divorce that you don't often see.
@Emby Do you have other favorites that hit that sweet spot? The only one I can think of is the poem from which I drew my username, though my tastes have changed radically since I first read it years ago:
(excerpted from The Walls Do Not Fall, H.D.)
But we fight for life,
we fight, they say, for breath,
so what good are your scribblings?
this--we take them with us
beyond death; Mercury, Hermes, Thoth,
invented the script, letters, palette;
the indicated flute or lyre-notes
on papyrus or parchment
are magic, indelibly stamped
on the atmosphere somehere,
forever; remember, O Sword,
you are the younger brother, the latter-born,
your Triumph, however exultant,
must one day be over,
in the beginning
was the Word.
@wallsdonotfall I really like Pablo Neruda's Verbo, of which the English translation goes a-little something like this:
I’m going to wrinkle this word,
I’m going to twist it,
yes,
it is much too flat
it is as if a great dog or great river
had passed its tongue or water over it
during many years.
I want that in the word
the roughness is seen
the iron salt
The de-fanged strength
of the land,
the blood
of those who have spoken and those who have not spoken.
I want to see the thirst
Inside the syllables
I want to touch the fire
in the sound:
I want to feel the darkness
of the cry. I want
words as rough
as virgin rocks.
@Emby If you're an Arcadia fan,you might like this too. Not linguistics but my own love, natural sciences and the history/philosophy thereof--
For a Naturalist Dead at Sea
Adrienne Rich
We'll not deplore you, though we know what's gone
The sea in no laborious swell can haul
Back on our beaches; such a freight as yours
Will never deck our tideline. Out of love
You gathered learning, and your human kin
If loved no more than conches, than the race
Of crayfish or the childish porpoises,
Were yet well loved by you. We mourn to hear
Of bridegrooms gathered nightward by the gales,
Of boon companions chug-a-lugging brine,
Lost to the red interior, the benign
Circle of beer-lit faces. You, our friend
Were still the friend of all that crept or swam:
We cannot think you lonely where you end.
Why should we call you shoreward? You will speak
With the drowned captain drifting by the shoal
On which his ship was broken; you will hear
The lonely scuffle of the hermit crab
Seeking an empty tenement. The trail
Of nets and anchors off the human coast
Will not detain you, nor the squeak of rudders
Far overhead. Oh, you will loaf and drowse
By fans of seaweed nodding in the stir
Of ocean currents. You will drink the cream
Of the great wetnurse whale, and hear from her
The lullabies that make leviathan dream.
@wallsdonotfall Ha, you remembered my near-obsessive love for Arcadia :)
Wow, I really liked that! Thanks!!
@Emby YEAH! I love unsubscribing exs! I removed one of mine from LinkedIn this week hah.
@A Dolly BUT! Shouldn't one always keep exes current on LinkedIn? Just because LinkedIn is so generally depressing! Oh look, he's still at that job he hated. Oh look now, he changed his occupation to "Social Media Consultant." That's 2012 code for "unemployed."
@travelmugs HAH! True true. I only removed said ex so he wouldn't know what I was up to.
I'm letting my daughter watch a lot of TV (bad mama!) because she is sick, but she is also super cuddly and the Curious George series is actually really charming.
@Daisy Razor Oh man, kids are always the sweetest and cuddliest when they're sick. It's horrible of me to say that, isn't it?
@kayjay It's true though! And she's not a cuddly kid, so there's always a terrible, tiny part of me going, "Yay! Cuddles!" when she feels crappy.
@Daisy Razor: I love the Curious George series, and am fairly sad that my daughter has grown out of it. And really sad that she's grown into Phineas & Ferb, which is louder and not as cute.
@Bittersweet I have adult friends who adore Phineas & Ferb, and I'm not sure why, since it doesn't seem any more clever than the rest of the kids' cartoons out there. But, yes, George is adorable, even though I worry about the developmental issues of the kid who thinks George is a child from the city and not a nonverbal simian.
So my mom bought me a pair of jeans for Christmas, and even though I tried THE EXACT SAME PAIR ON and they fit PERFECTLY, these somehow don't. And are non-refundable. So now I am on a diet of sorts, except I hate diets, but I feel so guilty that my lovely mom bought me these jeans which are just a little too small and it turns out guilt is a strong motivator. Except nothing has changed in like a week. I am mad.
@alphabiddycity i have a pair of current/elliot boyfriend jeans and a pair of brand jeans my mother bought for me right before i lost, like, 25 pounds. but i am not about to gain all that weight back, so i am left just feeling guilty :c
@alphabiddycity I have that problem, too! I don't understand who two pairs of the exact same style and size could fit SO differently. It doesn't make sense.
@TimeLordNinjaWizard It depends on the way they cut them at the factory. This is trufax, from a woman I know who worked in a jeans factory. The denim is cut in a big stack, right? Like, twenty things of denim, and the gigantic slicer comes down SHOOOOM and cuts them all at once. But because of the way the fabric...is, the jeans at the bottom of the stack are very often slightly bigger than than the jeans at the top. So when slightly-slightly-slightly bigger jean fronts are sewed to slightly-bigger jeans backs, it creates tiny, tiny differences in fit. So the same brand, style, size, etc., can be slightly different! Since our bodies are not, obviously, made in gigantic machines, they are all slightly different, too.
Orrrrr it might be that they're made in different factories, and even though the machines are calibrated to the same standards....people, you know? People is people.
@The Lady of Shalott That makes sense. I guess this is why (if you have the opportunity) you should always try on jeans before you buy them. It's also why I hate buy jeans. Short + booty = hard to fit.
@alphabiddycity I actually bought a pair of pants a size smaller online. It was a good motivator to workout so when they got here, I could wear them.
@TimeLordNinjaWizard: Also, I have noticed that the same make and model of jeans can sometimes be made in different places (there was a pair of Old Gravy jeans I liked that I bought two versions of; one was made in Cambodia, and the other in Mexico.)
Going to Target after work for new workout clothes (instead of going home to actually work out)!
@cuminafterall I neeeeed to do this. I also need shampoo, so a Target run is definitely needed. (I bought an elliptical a few weeks ago and have been exercising diligently, but realized that I only own one sports bra? So I need to buy...more. Lots more. Also more socks because where did all mine go?)
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I'm a big fan of the target workout clothes, especially the champion running tights and sports bras!
Why do only my cute socks disappear, while the raggedy house-cleaning socks stay forever? My dryer's sock monster must have good taste.
@snuffleupagus me, too. The Target/c9 stuff is great... I love the racerback-ish sports bras and the capri-length running tights particularly much. Also, that stuff seems to do OK in the dryer unlike the expensive brands I buy where the tags warn me against ever, ever daring to tumble dry.
@cuminafterall I recommend stalking Lucy and Lulu Lemon for sales. Sign up for their newsletters...they often have extra something-percent off sales and the stuff makes you feel like the most glamorous and committed-to-the-lifestyle workout person ever!
i bought three new bras yesterday! i had gone embarrassingly long without purchasing new bras (it's tough when boobs are the size of toddler heads. i want to freeboob to badly. it's a distant fantasy.) so i'd forgotten what it's like to wear bra that really, truly fits.
so ladies: never follow my example. buy bras early and buy bras often. the difference is astounding! instant better posture! instantly looking like i lost 10 lbs! world peace! what can't a new bra do?
@cliuless I also bought a bunch of new bras, and you're right it's amazing. Plus, they are SO PRETTY, all of them.
@cliuless I also bought three new bras yesterday! One is pink, one is light pink, and one is leopard. I'm super-practical.
@cliuless I've been putting that off, but THIS WEEKEND. I'm having a bad underwire situation in 50% of my good bras, meaning 1 out of 2. And I don't even like the other one!
@cliuless I keep forgetting that I have a Free Bra coupon from Aerie to redeem! I am hyped. I may go do that now.
..this would involve putting on real pants, fuck it. Tomorrow!
@Valley Girl If you're looking for Real Bras, you should at least check our Journelle's sale.
@Valley Girl go do it! i had the same issue (2 sad bras) and you feel so much better when everything is properly held up and strapped in. and all your clothes suddenly fit amazing.
@cliuless I just did the same thing, and it changed my life! I wouldn't shut up about it for weeks, and kept telling my husband, "Look at my boobs! LOOK! They are AWESOME. Look!"
@Bebe i know! I KNOW! except i have nobody in my life to tell who wouldn't be weirded out, so i'm all of you guys instead. *shimmies*
@cliuless eee! I'm actually going to a bra boutique after work to try on new bras now that i know my real size (30c, not 32b) and I'm super excited. irrationally excited. I haven't had a bra fit me right in EVER, so this could be a Whole New Era.
Guys, I told myself I was going to get to work at 3:30, and here we are at 3:50 and I have ALL THESE COMMENTS to read! and respond to.
@redheadedandcrazy I'll get to work at 4.
@redheadedandcrazy OH WHO AM I KIDDING IT'S FRIDAY
@redheadedandcrazy I do everything I can to not work on Friday and I'm in an office! Say no!!!
@redheadedandcrazy HAAAAAAAY WORKING FROM HOME TODAY ONLY DID 45 MINUTES OF WORK SO FAR (i hate working from home)
I need to crowd-source some advice. I've been asked by my job to consider transferring to the London office. 1. London ex-pats with any thoughts? I don't know anyone in London (except 1 married dude who probably won't be much help in the socializing department). 2. If I decide to transfer, how much should my NYC-London cost of living adjustment be? They want me to suggest the COLA.
@Tuna Surprise I can't help you on details but YES DO IT
@Tuna Surprise Just moved from the UK to the USA. Food from a supermarket (espeically real food like vegetables) is MUCH cheaper. Eating out and drinking out is more expensive. Clothes, about the same. Electricity is more expensive, but you won't heat/cool as much, and devices are more efficient, so it works out cheaper overall. Taxes are higher, but FREE HEALTHCARE is the bestest. Rent, depends where you live and what you want. Always consult a local before signing somewhere. Driving is more expensive, but public transport will be fine. Services (dry cleaning, haircuts etc) are more expensive too. Don't forget to ask for a rise that covers tickets home to the USA once a year. Good luck!!!
@Tuna Surprise I AM SO JEALOUS. it is my dream to be forced to live in London for professional reasons instead of having to jump into it without any concrete plans.
I spent a summer there recently (and I currently live in NYC), so while i can't tell you exactly what to expect, I can tell you that things are similarly priced in NYC and London but you have to keep in mind that £1 = $1.6, so everything feels that much more expensive. A $5 sandwich in NYC will be £5 in London, which is really more like $7.50
@Tuna Surprise YES! I lived in London for about a year a couple of years ago and loved it.
That said, assume the following re: costs -
Rent - multiply NY by 1.25, double the price of utilities
Food - if you live in Manhattan, it's probably even. If you live in one of the outer boroughs, assume a 20-25% increase in the cost of food, particularly if you will be living in/near Central London.
Clothes - roughly equivalent
Transportation - assume an extra 50% on top of your current costs
That probably doesn't help give you the overall percentage, but that's about what it cost for me (although the exchange rate is better now).
Another option, if they're willing to do it, is to keep your salary the same, but have them cover housing/utilities (that's what I did - it basically worked out to be even when accounting for other costs).
Thanks all for the encouragement! I kinda want to go but I'm hesitant to make such a big move (and with a 2 year commitment).
@Ophelia - thanks for the specifics. I own my apt in Manhattan so living in NYC for me is relatively cheap. I figure it will cost $1500 more a month to live in a comparable apt in central London.
@Tuna Surprise London is EXPENSIVE and BIG and kinda shite weather. If you do it, make sure your salary is boosted commenserate with your added expenses. And ask them to help you find a place maybe? I'm not a big fan, except EUROPE.
@Tuna Surprise I also do know that when they list real estate, they list rent by the week. You pay by the month, but the prices they list will be a price per week to live there.
@hairspin Ooh, good point. Have them pay the broker fees for finding an apartment (that would be Estate Agent fees, I believe).
@Tuna Surprise I lived there for a year and a half, and parts of it I loved, but most of it I wasn't stoked on. The people were typical big-city snobs and I didn't make many friends despite my outgoing nature (that actually seemed to make it worse - I felt a lot of "ugh, AMERICAN" when I was around). The winters were really hard for me too - it's really far north, and the nights start really early. Weather's pretty crap, food is meh, it's ridiculously expensive, but if your job pays well it's not expensive to take long weekends in other parts of Europe which I'm sure would be fabulous. So, 1/3 of me says "awesome!" while 2/3s of me says "oooh, uh, no"
@Tuna Surprise That is my DREAM. I'd go (knowing nothing about the rest of your life situation). You can always come back.
@Tuna Surprise Oh, do it do it do it! If only because I'm dying of envy over here. I would commit any number of small crimes to have that choice!
@Tuna Surprise I think x1.5 for rent. Especially if you're sensitive about... safety in transitional areas. Don't forget transportation and remember that London is much more spread out than NYC, so think about where your friends live and where you like to go out as well as where you work -- and choose a flat based on how you will get to those places and home at night. Tubes and taxis are SO MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE than subways and cabs. I eat out a lot in NYC, but in London I definitely considered it more of a luxury. Ditto cabs/taxis.
@Tuna Surprise As a Londoner, maybe don't live in central London? It's much more expensive- like absurdly- and doesn't really give you better access to shops and things the way it does in some other cities. It'll just make it harder to go grocery shopping and make everything more expensive. And the people are more likely to be jerks. So long as you live somewhere with good travel links- and almost everywhere does- you'll be okay. I live in Brent, and it takes me twenty minutes or so to get to work near Tottenham Court road, if the Jubilee line's running.
Ugh, I'm not actually an authority, so obviously do research and stuff, but keep that in mind! Also: London really is lovely, I promise.
Today I called out a fellow grad student (male, about 7 years older than me) for being condescending by calling me "dear." I shouldn't feel bad about that, right? I need some reassurance because I am NOT confrontational AT ALL and then he argued with me about it for about 15 minutes. *sigh*
@phenylalanine You should not feel bad about that! "Dear" is super condescending especially coming from dudes who are older (ESPECIALLY when they're your peers, guh) and you are awesome for calling him out on it.
@phenylalanine he was calling you "dear"? even if you were being confrontational, you had every right to be. what a dick.
@phenylalanine Yep! He was being a dick! YOU ARE VINDICATED. And people who argue about shit like that are THE WORST.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher dear is never ok, and sweetie is only alright from the hot barrista at sbux who thinks i'm super classy for ordering caramel macchiatos.
did i mention she was super hot? RAWR
@phenylalanine Nope. He's a dickface. Case closed.
@phenylalanine NO FEELING BAD! He is a juicebox.
@everyone Oh goodness thank you all. I mean, by the end of the conversation he had definitely agreed to not call me that anymore. But I think he still believes that it's okay in general? Like, his argument was that he uses it for everyone... but no, in his world women are "sweetie, honey, dear" and men are "bro, dude." WHICH, THAT IS NOT OKAY AT ALL, but I didn't even know how to tackle THAT issue, so one thing at a time I guess. :(
@phenylalanine Thank you ladies! for these affirming responses!
I once had a guy pat me on my head at a bar while smiling. I told him not to touch me, and my FRIENDS said I overreacted? Yeah, don't much like being touched/condescended to by strangers.
When similar situations occur with someone you work with, the confrontation is probably much worse.
@phenylalanine He's an ass.
@phenylalanine I think it depends on his culture. Newfies call people dear or love all the time without the slightest hint of condescension.
@phenylalanine One of my (friendly) customers called me "princess" the other day, which he calls everyone, including my grungy, older, male co-worker and my immediate response was, "That's not my name, who the fuck are you?" I was mostly kidding but wtf I never heard him say that before, and he was really shocked and insisted BUT I CALL EVERYONE PRINCESS but dude, nobody would ever call you princess unless they were obviously joking. basically dudes get fucking defensive about that shit no matter what, slog through it, make your point, you've done us all a service.
@Xaxa Hmmm, this is a good point, although I don't think it works in this particular dude's case (Iowa and Philadelphia?).
@phenylalanine Probably just being a dick then.
@phenylalanine I once got on an older work contact's case for calling me "sweetheart." He was amused and told my boss about it (who was also amused), but he never did it again -- and I think he took me more seriously.
@squid v. whale Once some middle aged dude in a bar called me "spirited" and CONGRATULATED my boyfriend. Still wish I had punched him in the face. Spiritedly.
@byrneunit RETROACTIVE FACE PUNCH
@phenylalanine Oh, you were being confrontational all right. AND SO YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN! Good for you. *big internet high five and all the reassurance*
@byrneunit @The Everpresent Wordsnatcher terms of endearment should only be used by significant others, parents/non-creepy relatives, and gay men.
@squid v. whale: Does "bitch" count as a term of endearment? That's what my best gay friend and I call each other...that and "turd."
@squid v. whale Yes, absolutely.
@phenylalanine I just got called "honey" by a delivery guy who was an hour and a half late. I wish I'd had the wherewithal to say something.
SO....I am thinking about making a major (MAJOR) career change after struggling a bit and being unemployed and a bit at loose ends with my previous career path. Is anyone here a licensed massage therapist?
@Bebe I'm not, but just wanted to wish you good luck!
@Bebe I have two different friends who have recently graduated from massage therapy school and love it. They feel like they're really making a difference/helping people in a tangible way, and there's a lot of different places you could go with it. Particularly if you were to work at a doctor's office or chiropractor you would be looking at decent health insurance, which is so nice to have.
On a tangential note, I am also looking at starting to get the education for a real grown-ass woman career and am feeling a little wobbly/anxious about it. But what's helping me is visualizing the end result, when I feel daunted at the prospect of 9 years of school. /end the ALL ABOUT ABOUT ME portion of the comment.
Good luck! You should go for it.
@Bebe My mom did a huge career change a couple of years ago and is now a licensed massage therapist; she LOVES it. One huge bit of advice is to look carefully at the schools; more time + more money does NOT necessarily = better education. My mom went to a fairly inexpensive school that fits all of the courses into an intensive 9 months, and the school's graduates have a nearly-100% pass rate on the licensing exam.
..I know this is a topic that has been covered a million times before.. but what is the socially accepted public hair grooming situation for one-night stands?
Also, do women really get waxed down there that often? Because what are the other options?
@nyikin haha public.
@nyikin I would vote for neat, particularly around the edges, but nothing totally weird? Like, don't wax it the shape of an arrow or anything.
@nyikin I say go with whatever makes you most comfortable. Aim for whatever will make you worry least about that, because that should be the last thing in your mind. When you're not worried about your body, or the way it should look, or what the other person thinks about it, then you can focus on having fun. Which is the point of a one-night stand.
@nyikin eh, i hit the whole situation with clippers every few months and call it a day. sometimes if i'm feeling really fancy i'll shave everything off too. WHO HAS TIME?! and really, who wants to have a stranger see their bits and then cover them with hot wax?
@nyikin My theory is "they can deal."
but you should probably groom in private
@nyikin I think as long as it's neat, you're fine. After all, it doesn't matter how a one-night stand feels about your pubic hair because they're not going to see it again. It only matters that they turn the light off when they leave and don't try to steal any quarters from your change jar.
@nyikin - All of the cool kids are doing a reverse mohawk these days. I swear I'm not making this up in hopes of starting a bizarre and ridiculous trend, not at all.
@nyikin So what does 'neat' mean? Trimmed? Does that include hair around the um, backside? I iz overthinking?
@nyikin I go to those super naked lady spas and my findings are Pubic Hair Is Back Baby!! That is all of my super unhelpful advice.
@Aubergines Ha, it's years of papers hoping not to write 'pubic policy'.
@nyikin You iz overthinking. Iz you overthinking because this one-night stand has potential to be more?
@Ophelia No no, I'm just trying to determine the proper etiquette!
@nyikin I swear it's not a major statement and I occasionally do attend to my body hair but in the last month all I can remember doing is shaving my pits. I had the craziest seventies bush when I met my man and he did not give two shits, nor do, I think, a lot of men.
@nyikin I definitely always feel sexier when I trim it up down there, but I usually just shave outside the bikini line, and buzz the rest so it looks a little tidier. It seriously makes me feel like a pornstar to attend to my ladybits even that much, which is hilarious. But I'm not entirely convinced that my dude even really notices anything different, other than that I'm crawling all over him.
@leon.saintjean Reverse mohawk? Do tell. Not imaginative enough to get a visual...
@ana_banana - Basically you just go all natural, but there's one stripe of nothingness in the middle.
@Ophelia Now I just really want an arrow. C'mon, it'd be hilarious! (Maybe not for a one-night stand, though.)
@nyikin This made me think of brushing my hair on the subway.
@NeenerNeener I would really like somebody to shave the man symbol into their crotch, pointing downwards. you know the man symbol? like, the greek symbol for mars or whatever?
I would just find that hilarious. maybe I should do it and then have a whole bunch of one night stands and see how well it goes over
@redheadedandcrazy they'd be like "uhh that's interesting? how many dudes have you slept with anyway?"
and I'd be all "in the last week? lemme think about it"
@Third Wave Housewife i'm on a 5-month dry spell and haven't groomed since the last time, so it's like the Amazon down there. I can barely see the tops of my legs. Rrrroooowwrrr.
DVR Alert: "Carla" from Scrubs is playing the mom in a Lifetime movie about the high schooler who faked being knocked up in "The Pregnancy Project".
Speaking of bad Lifetime movies, did anybody watch the Rob Lowe as Drew Petersen one from last weekend? I haven't watched yet but apparently there was some Grade A cheese involved that has now hit the ONTD Gif circuit.
@Valley Girl I watched the Soup takedown of Rob Lowe as Drew Petersen, and that was pretty good.
@Ophelia I'll look for that Soup bit on the tubs once I've watched the movie! I bet it's funny.
I'm having a resurge of insistent thoughts about my (life-long) blood injury phobia, thanks in part I think to all the wheat I'm eating, which is also like permanent PMT symptoms. Only a week more of eating wheat and feeling like I have to hide sharp things. Any tips?
Edited to add - no self harming going on, in case anyone is worried. More like these sharp things will attack me/I will fall on them somehow. Stupid brain.
I have ONE BILLION tiny disgusting problems right now, seriously. I am all butterflies because my Winter Boyfriend is headed over to spent the night. It is snowing 30cm and freezing rain is coming later. My adviser has not returned ANY of my emails about meeting and GOING OVER MY CHAPTERS. My landlady is a freakshow raging harpy, who trapped me on the bus this morning and told me all about how "therapy is useless" (SHE IS A PSYCH PHD STUDENT, I SWEAR TO GOD I CAN'T EVEN.)
I'm huuuuuungry. I don't want to do anything but read fun books but I can't, this weekend I have to wooooork I AM SO FUCKING DONE WITH THIS ENTIRE PROCESS, I WANT TO THROW MY THESIS INTO THE RIVER.
@The Lady of Shalott I believe this is a good time to Take A Sexy Break And Worry About Your Thesis Later. Hooray for Winter Boyfriends on cold snowy nights!
@The Lady of Shalott eeek but friday evening of disgusting weather with a boy coming over is so nice! sorry about the thesis, stay strong!
@The Lady of Shalott Uh, I would fight somebody for that weather and an exciting evening with a sexy man. Granted, my man is quite sexy but for the most part whenever we are together for the evening we are both exhausted and sad because shitty jobs.
@The Lady of Shalott The good news is that you are at the point of wanting to throw your thesis in a river, which means that you will soon have a breakthrough and everything will fall into place. You're almost there! The break with Winter Boyfriend will be just the the thing you need.
@Third Wave Housewife TROOF. sad, sad troof. (re: the sexy boyfriend + mutual exaustion + shitty jobs. ugh.)
i am moving to europe for the next four years in a week and am oscillating wildly between super excited and kind of sad and nervous. i have TONS of experience moving to new places (moved around a lot as a kid, spent summers in college in all different cities, moved to another country after college) but i'm just kind of tired, you know? it's hard work, figuring out your life and building a community and all that. it feels like i'm constantly missing someone and feeling clueless.
on the other hand, europe! trains!
@plonk have a wonderful time! i wish i could follow in one of your suitcases. and it's four years, so at least you know you'll be settling for a little bit.
So rando question, is there a point where a single man owns too many cats? My brother just took in his third stray and I am wondering if that is over the line? I don't think so but some of our friends have told him he is over the line.
Also, they have implied that no lady would want to date him. Is this true? I hope not, I want my brother to be happy! Context on his personality - he is kind of a stereotype of a dudebro (contractor, drives a jacked up truck, watches a lot of sports) but also loves his cats and talking about feelings etc. Soooo I understand the jacked up truck might be a deal breaker but what about the cats??
Thanks for your (objective?) opinion Hairpinners.
@LRMG I would say that as long as his place smells clean and not like Too Many Cats, he probably doesn't have Too Many Cats. Also, cats can be lady magnets.
@LRMG That sounds kind of hot, actually.
@LRMG it's a liitle offbeat, but it's cute. anyone who holds loving cats as bad is weird. that said, i have three cats. i think a lot of men don;t have cats because they are afraid of being girly. when my husband and i moved in together we got cats and he was thrilled.
@LeafySeaDragon My boyfriend loves cats and he is quite manly. He had four when he was with his ex-wife and he misses them. I had two cats when we met, and he recently adopted a stray, so now we have three.
He also had a dog, but eh...dogs. They make me sneezy.
I agree with @The Everpresent Wordsnatcher though; if his place is clean, he's all good.
@LRMG
Stereotypical dudebro/manly man who works with his hands
+ adorable dedication to his cats
+ soft, marshmallow heart that can't bear the thought of a stray going unloved
_____________________________________________________________________________
LOVE
@LRMG - Only two kinds of dudes dislike cats:
(1)Dudes who are dumb and have never owned one. Because once you own a cat, you learn that they are actually awesome.
(2)Dudes who pretend like they hate cats because they once, in the hardest days of their life, befriended a stray, and thought the stray had a distended belly even though it was obvs pregnancy, but dudes are dumb. Then, the cat gave birth, and dude and his roommate kept two of the kittens and the single mom. Single mom belonged to the dude, but after a year (she was only, like, 2.5 yrs old at this point, I mean, in theory, in this hypothetical situation) got some kind of weird cat cancer. Luckily there was a friend of family vet who could help out (it turns out feline oncologists are even a thing) to make things okay for a few months, but one day dude had to take off work to take his cat and hold her paw while. Ya know. And now dude just visits his old roommates and the kittens, her kittens, and has a picture of her in the back of his room and may be crying at this desk and has to go smoke a cigarette and
What I meant to say is some people pretend they hate pets cuz they don't wanna go through the loss again.
@Bebe YOU JUST DESCRIBED MY BOYFRIEND EXACTLY. Except he isn't a stereotypical dudebro. But the other three points, yes.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Oooohhh good point. No when I go over to his house it doesn't smell and he does also have a housecleaner every other week. So thanks everyone!
@leon.saintjean Oh, god, it's raining again. On my face.
@LRMG Cat dudes are the best. Were I single, I wouldn't hook up with anyone who didn't like my 3.
@leon.saintjean Your example of dude #2 sounds awesome. I mean, you know, this hypothetical picture you've painted.
@leon.saintjean WHY WOULD YOU TELL US NOW THE WORLD IS DOOMED TO THE FLOOD.
@leon.saintjean Also, people who are allergic.
@leon.saintjean This hurts my heart! I'm sitting here imagining holding my kitteh's paw while, you know and I can't even.
@leon.saintjean Oooohhhhh now you are bringing back those memories of being in the vet when you have to say goodbye. We grew up with cats so ... multiple times of being there. But I try and think about stuff like waking up to have a cat sleeping next to my head and petting it while it purrs. Oh cats, they have so many quiet joys to share.
@leon.saintjean You just made me cry at my desk. I can take cats or leave 'em but I wish I could give that dude a hug and tell him it is OK.
@LRMG My husband has three cats, and even though I'm not a cat person I found it endearing when we first started dating. And since living with three cats, I am sort of now a cat person.
@hairspin Not an excuse. Allergies are so treatable. Everyone I know who "had to" get rid of their cats because they had allergies refused to take medication and use simple dander reduction methods. [Highly allergic person who didn't know until after her cats were all grown up and crazy and not cute, so will never be adopted]. I'm slightly snotty/itchy if I spend 2-3 straight days watching TV with a cat on my lap, but otherwise fine.
@catfoodandhairnets Funnily enough, Asthma allergies to cats are not highly treatable. My husband can tell if there is a single hair carried in on our person. He has to puff away at his inhaler. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cat detection.
Seriously though, he would have to be hospitalised if he spends more than 24 hours in a house with a cat. It's kind of hard getting that message across to people. It's not like snuffling. It's like peanut level allergy.
@feartie My allergist has "never met anyone with respiratory allergies that couldn't work around them". She fixed me. Try a new doc. For serious. There are a lot who just say get rid, but I think they're lazy. Even severe respiratory allergies are not in the same realm as a true food (eg, peanut) or drug allergy. My old one was the same way. I have 2 inhalers, 2 nose sprays, 2 pills, and if I use them all I'm perfect. I can cut out one of the pills and one of the nose sprays and be pretty good. Doing shots soon to hopefully reduce the meds:) I'm not saying it's easy, just that it's not impossible.
@feartie And I don't mean you should GET cats, or that if you can find existing cats a good home you really HAVE to keep them. I just know it's often an excuse for getting rid of pets people can't be bothered with.
@LRMG: I'm going to be a dissenting voice and say that 3 cats is A Lot of Cats. I grew up with 1-4 cats in the house at any one time. Cats are cool, no doubt... it helps to have many house mates. One guy, 3 cats? That's going to put some people off, unless they are willing to get to know him.
@catfoodandhairnets I think the bad luck we had was that, when we were living in the US, we didn't have health insurance. Stupidly fell in love with a dog (my husband didn't have a recorded allergy, just mild problems) we wanted her so badly we took her.
Then, of course, and we were stupid, but so in love with the idea of a dog...we had the terrible situation of my husband having to take his inhaler every hour. His preventative inhaler more than four times a day (he takes it normally twice a day, otherwise the asthma is out of hand)
We had no doctor to turn to. My husband couldn't sleep. We cleaned every surface twice a day. Looked into little bitty body suits for the dog to wear. Husband got worse. Sprayed anti-dander liquid, washed the dog in anti-dander shampoo once a day. Husband woke up in the night have a major attack, and we couldn't afford to do anything about it, other than wait it out.
The dog went to a family we carefully vetted. House upstate with a garden. They send us regular updates. Our dog wearing a Christmas suit, playing with the kids in the snow. We couldn't cope, but we did the best thing we could.
@Too Much Internet I'm going to vote with you, and it has nothing to do with him being a boy. 3 cats is A Lot of cats, and if a non cat liking lady comes over, that could be...alarming for her.
@LRMG No way- 3 cats is awesome! It sounds like he's a caring person? If a person doesn't like that about him, then she's probably not right for him/not worth being with anyways!
@feartie rain! at least you get pictures now though.
@LRMG your brother sounds adorable.
@LRMG
SO, where exactly does your brother live?
How old is he?
Is he interested in a long-term committed childless relationship?
In other words, cat-guys are HOT!
@thebestjasmine But if he's a Cat Person, he's better off dating only ladies who like cats, because what if he fell in love with someone who didn't? I could never be with someone who doesn't like cats, because I don't want to live without them.
@jen325 Well, I'm not a cat person, but I wouldn't insist that people get rid of their cat. But three cats would be totally overwhelming to me.
Hey, remember this from last week? Yeah, well Potential Girl Of My Dreams #2 cancelled within 20 minutes. And then proceeded to not call all weekend. And now I feel like I can't ask her if she wants to do anything this weekend because I already ended last weekend with a "let me know when you have free time and we'll schedule something" and the ball is in her court. Ugh, I hate these games.
Also, I may or may not have sent her an email on Monday from my phone. Normally, this if fine but the email was sent with the (potentially embarassing) nickname I have for her in my phone as the "To" line. And then she didn't asnwer... I didn't know this was going to happen! Beware phones from which you send emails that might reveal your secret nicknames for people!
Oh, and I got into a fight with one of my best friends because she was drunk and went from "Do you want to be a black person?" to "You want to be a black person." to "You think you're a black person." over the course of the evening. Best week ever!
@ReginalTSquirge@twitter are you black?
@LeafySeaDragon Haha. No! I just really, really like rap music! And I know it makes me sound like that guy that guy, but I so am not! I dress and speak like a normie!
@ReginalTSquirge@twitter Your friend sounds like an asshole. Please see: yoisthisracist.com
@ReginalTSquirge@twitter re: your last paragraph . . . uh
actually i'm not sure what to say to that
@shhhhk Yeah, neither do I. I will say that it's not the first time someone has said these words to me. But it hasn't happened since I was about 16. And I find that when people say these things it reveals a lot more about their issues than mine. I'm not worried about how I come across. I put feelings aside, I know who I am.
And yeah, she kind of is an asshole. But I'm trying not to throw the friend out with the asshole-water... or whatever.
@ReginalTSquirge@twitter I have done that with the nicknames, which is how one of my friends knew my nickname for her was "Asshole McGee." It was kind of awesome because I wanted that friendship to end anyway...obviously.
@ReginalTSquirge@twitter: A normie? Thas wasis.
@whereismyrobot Here it was "Dr. Angelface".
@Too Much Internet I meant a normal person within his/her own culture that does not misappropriate other cultures/dialects. Not "a normal person who doesn't speak like a black person". The whole thing is a minefield of how one should act/speak but I generally don't appreciate having my authenticity questioned. I could even see if you've known me for 5 seconds but we've known each other for years.
I tried to explain that I love the shit I love/act the way I act/live the way I live because it's fucking cool. Any consideration of race/culture is secondary, at most. Basically, I fux with Jay-Z because he's the coolest motherfucker of all time. Not because he's black/I want to be black or some other nonsense.
Now I'm worried that my mind has irreversably placed my friend in that box of people that separates others (which is separation in itself, I know) and it's near-impossible to become un-racist in my eyes once you have said/done something racist.
@ReginalTSquirge@twitter: I was teasing/kidding. The whole topic tends to be a tar baby for anyone that engages it.
See what I did there? :D
@Too Much Internet Good one!
You know that feeling where you don't want to go somewhere noisy but still don't want to stay home because you're an extrovert and like being around people? That's where I am right now.
@andrea disaster Cafe with a book!
@andrea disaster I think this is exactly how Boston ended up with not one but two restaurant-slash-bookstores.
@Daisy Razor Hah! That's excellent. And another reason why I should visit Boston.
@thenotestaken I'm definitely a book-reading-in-the-cafe type, you guessed me well. I think I might do that for a while, go see The Artist and then meet a couple friends for diner coffee. Solitude meets social.
@andrea disaster Might I suggest L'Ecole de Mime?
@Daisy Razor Waaaait 2? Where other than Trident?
@SarahP Tres Gatos in JP! http://tresgatosjp.com/ They'll let you buy a glass of wine while you look at the books too!
@Daisy Razor Yet another reason I need to get to JP more often.
@andrea disaster That happens to me a lot, but plug in "somewhere you can't sit down" instead of "somewhere noisy."
@Daisy Razor Tres Gatos? Don't you think that's a bit much?
@Bus Driver Stu Benedict I'm going to make my boyfriend take me to Tres Gatos this weekend! He moved to Boston a few months ago and Trident is our favorite brunch spot so far. We haven't gotten around to exploring much yet, so this is an exciting idea.
if you were looking for an unpaid internship, had an interview scheduled at 9:30AM on a tuesday, and got an email at 9:21 (when you were already at the office) saying that your potential boss was going to have to reschedule, how would you feel about this internship? would you go for it still? would you be wary? would you be pissed? (i was)
@shhhhk Um, I would say that boss is a jerk, unless the cancellation email was covered in piles and piles of apologies.
@alphabiddycity Also unless he/she had a good reason or apology then that says two things 1. that they aren't going to take you seriously and might lead them to give you good tasks which makes your internship pointless and 2. they might be a disorganized mess which you would be best to avoid.
@shhhhk Once, many moons ago, I went for a job interview at a magazine in NYC and took the day off of my current job so I could commute in on the train, and I got there early and everything and THE OFFICE WAS CLOSED even though me and my interviewer went back and forth, like 10 times. Is Tuesday good for you? Yes, Tuesday is perfect! Alright I will see you on Tuesday at 11:30! 11:30 on Tuesday! I'll be there! Tuesday! I had to stand there pathetically with the doorman while I emailed her being like "wtf" because I only had her office number, and then left....and came back the next day because she was like "OMFG I AM SO SORRY". And then nothing came of it. This doesn't help you at all....I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe I should have been like "no." but I still went for it and still didn't get the job. WAH.
@shhhhk Once in college, I had a phone interview for an internship with a Fortune 500 company. Then...no call. I got a call a few hours later asking to reschedule, I remarked that no one called me and the lady rescheduling apologized and said the phone interviewer was sick and they thought they rescheduled everyone (but forgot about me). So I said ok, we rescheduled.
Next phone interview date, I get a call on time...to reschedule again. Because they were really busy.
So we rescheduled. The third time, I got the call, started going into my phone spiel...and stopped. I apologized and said I couldn't do this interview because if this is what they are like when they are trying to woo prospective hires, then I wasn't sure I'd actually want to be a hire there.
In retrospect, it was a little pompous of me, but moreover I was thinking, if I did this phone interview the THIRD time and still didn't get it...man.
Anyway, give them another chance, but three strikes...?
@shhhhk Good for you! I firmly believe companies like that should see the repercussions for their actions.
Hi, internet ladyfriends. My personal life is going a little haywire right now and really tripping off my anxiety/intense guilt gland/depression, ie. crying at my desk for no reason for the past hour.
Advice on dealing with anxiety attacks & depressive episodes/distractions/hugs would be much appreciated.
@sarabara NEWBORN BABY DEER: IT SQUEAKS!!!! oh my god the squeaks
@sarabara Just getting out of the house helps the most for me. Maybe just a walk? For some coffee or something?
@Third Wave Housewife If you're having an anxiety attack, physically move from where you are. For me, getting out of that headspace has almost always required moving from the physical space as well.
@sarabara Snoring dormouse is like hugs you can watch.
@sarabara *hugs*. I'd get you a nice big smoothie, with all your favourite fruit in it.
@sarabara Here's a tumblr reliably full of Good Stuff for distraction?
@sarabara Thirding the "just move" advice and adding: write it down. All of it. All the whirling, circular nonsensical things in your head, just write it all down. This will probably make you cry, which is OK. Cry and write and write and cry and just get it out.
@sarabara Hugs!!
@chrysopoeia Yes, movement is key. My therapist told me that whenever I had a panic attack at work, I had to get up and get myself a cup of tea, which sounds completely ridiculous. But it helped! Beverage choice is up to you, obviously.
And it sounds hippie-dippy, but I really like yoga, if only for getting the tension out of my muscles and helping me sleep.
@chrysopoeia this pretty much. i admit, b&n for coffee and a new book helps. or out to a movie by myself SOMETHING HAPPY!
@sarabara hugs. and bourbon. or would you prefer gin?
@sarabara Awww, have totally been there very recently!!! It's so hard, but do something awesome for yourself and remember that you're the only person you have any control over. Anyone who doesn't respect your values and treasure you for YOU, is not worthy of basking in the fabulous glow of your sun.
@sarabara *Hugs!* Also, chocolate and wine!
@sarabara gahhh thank you all...this site is wonderful.
Re: movement, I'm stuck at work for the next half hour, sadly, which is a part of the problem....I have been pacing a little bit and it helps. but i think once I get out of here I'll feel a bit better.
and oh my god that DORMOUSE and FAWN i can't EVEN
@sarabara CORGI STAMPEDE!
@sarabara Big hugs, go for a walk, crawl under your desk and sit in the fetal position for a while, call your doctor (if you've got one/got health insurance) and say you need anti-anxiety pills, repeat.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher: I have a corgi and she is the bestest! It's like a living, breathing stress-reducer/warmer-upper. With giant ears.
@thebestjasmine http://chzgifs.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/manateesquashp1.gif
That manatee ought to help.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Growing up, there was a corgi breeder near my house. Imagine coming home from an angsty day at school to A GIANT HOARD OF CORGI PUPPIES running at you, snuffling and wagging and curious.
@ilikemints BEST THING EVER
@sarabara aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
I have to write some measly 300 words to apply for a fellowship/assistantship. I'm not even accepted to grad school yet but they want me for an interview...how do I do a grad school interview?!
@Lady_Terminator Be prepared with plenty of questions to ask them. Try to go in with the mindset that you belong there, deserve to be there, and it's their job to sell you on why they need YOU. Be prepared to not only talk about your strengths but also to give specific, relevant examples of times when you demonstrated those strengths on a project or whatever.
@Emby yeah I'm not good at talking about my strengths, what the hell are my strengths? Internet marathons until 5am? I don't really feel confident about myself at all. I can try to fake it until I make it but I really need to figure out my actual strengths or something...
@Lady_Terminator Ask a friend. I'm serious. You have to be willing to take them at their word though, which is the hard part.
Made a big career decision this week, after suffering my first job-related panic attack (which felt all the world like a heart attack, actually, and it scared the shit out of me). Now I just need to figure out how to pay for both nutrition school and yoga teaching certification, plus how I'm going to work them in while still working my day job. Whatever. Details. Long story short, my job is killing me, and I need to get out of it.
@kayjay Job-death, hay hay. Night shift at a job I really like. It means I am basically alone for 20 hours per day.
@kayjay I just posted above about making a major life change, career-wise. I'm thinking of becoming a massage therapist. I'm currently not working, but my last job did the same thing to me that your current one is doing to you, and the thought of going back into the same industry, just....gah. I can't.
We can do this, right? We can totally do this. (Right?)
@Third Wave Housewife I mean, it might not kill me immediately, but it's destroying my health slowly but surely.
At first, I started thinking, "Wow, being alone 20 hours a day sounds MAGICALLY WONDERFUL!" Then I realized even I, a big ol' hermit, would start feeling crazy after day two. Kind of like if I had to be in the hole at Alcatraz (I just started watching that show, and I love it).
@Bebe I think the only thing to do is just to start doing it. That's my thought. I've made a list. Number one is meeting with a loan rep from my credit union. Just keep crossing them off. Don't try to over think it, and don't get scared by the big picture. Just cross things off the list, one at a time. We can do this. We can totally do this.
@Bebe YES You can totally do it. If your heart is in it, the universe will follow.
@Third Wave Housewife I had a night-shift job and it fucking sucks and yes, the isolation can be the worst. I'm going to sound like an overbearing aunt, but are you taking melatonin pills? Apparently, that's important.
@kayjay Same boat except I am too chicken to leave my current industry and start anew, so am just trying to find a job at a company that is a little more supportive. A boss who actually speaks to me would be nice.
@kayjay I've been to see an admissions counselor at the best school in my area, and have all the information and the application and everything. This weekend, my husband and I are going to sit down and really talk it all through. He just started a new job this week, and it's been pretty intense, so lots of change going on right now which is good, but also SCARY.
@Bebe Yay! It's going to be fine! I'm excited for you, like a current prisoner is excited when a fellow prisoner makes it over the wall. Good luck!
@Bebe Massage therapy has some real drawbacks, though. My best friend is one, and apparently as a career most therapists don't last very long, in terms of a lifelong career, more like 10-15 years, max. She massages freelance (I think that's the right word? Moonlights, maybe?) in her spare time, but she also works a day job, and that's as much as her hands/wrists can take. Ironically making other people's bodies feel amazing can really screw up your joints, resulting in the need for physical therapy. I hate to put a damper on your plans, but apparently it's that profession's deep dark secret. So you might have to switch careers again at some point in the future again.
@ilikemints Thanks - I had considered this, actually, and it is a pretty big concern. But one of the reasons I am interested in doing this is because it will allow me the freedom to work part time and dedicate myself to my real first love, fiction writing. So, if I can get 10 years out of it and still write, it might work.
@kayjay yaaayyy! Making a big career decision = awesome. Good luck!
Incomplete collection of things I've rediscovered this week as great:
1. Fuck You by Cee Lo Green
2. Shit Karl Pilkington Says (this is actually Karl Pilkington, not somebody imitating him)
3. Craft beer. Please someone come over and have craft beers with me.
4. Half-sour pickles.
And I said fuck it to an enhanced license, I'm going for a passport, because my mom thinks I am dying and sent me $300 so fuck it, passport.
@Third Wave Housewife Shit Karl Pilkington Says??? As excited I am about the prospect of this, isn't The Ricky Gervais Show basically Shit Karl Pilkington Says?
Half-sours are so right. So very right. I made a sandwich the other day with tempeh fake bacon, spinach, vegenaise and half-sours, and it blew my mind.
@kayjay whoah I am about to go to wegmans just to make that. I have one pickle left and I think it is going on my grocery list again this week. As are all those tasty things and maybe some Vitamin D supplements to see if they help my night-shift misery.
And yes of course it is but this is especially good shit.
Okay, so I'm about to go snowboarding for the second time ever tonight, and while I would usually go with my equally inexperienced friend, she is under the weather and opting out. So now my boyfriend really wants to go with me, but he knows what he's doing and I'm still in that Determined To Not Let Him See Me Be Bad At Stuff stage, and am horrified by the idea of him even being on the mountain at the same time as me. I know I'm being stupid and I should let him teach me some things, but UGH, humiliating!! Tell me reasonable things, Pinners!! Assuage/berate my irrational feelings!
@Jane Err reasonable things!!!
My boyfriend wants to go snowboarding too and I've never been plus have zero sense of balance. Yet...I just tell myself, whatever? If I fall down and make an ass out of myself, who will care in a week? or even tomorrow. And if he makes fun of you for it, you have your answer.
@Jane Err Please just have fun and laugh at yourself a lot and know that you will get better and it will be fun! It's great that your bf wants to go with you. Just go at your own pace and stay the hell on the bunny slope. And don't forget to laugh a lot!!!
@Jane Err Try to fall down cutely? He'll feel all manly teaching you something?
I totally get the must-look-competent-at-all-things stage, for me it usually lasts for months. But this is something you're genuinely new at, I say give it a go!
@Lady_Terminator @hairspin @gobblegirl You're all correct! I know this! STILL HORRIFIED! He definitely won't be making fun of me for it (not meanly, anyway). So I am going! And I'm going to fall adorably and laugh a lot.
And I'll be thinking of you all when we're having beers at the base lodge! I wish you could be there.
@Lady_Terminator Also, funny anecdotal side note: the scariest part for me, is seriously getting off of the chairlift. I swear, last time I went I briefly thought "This is my life now. I'll live here, on this chair, and my true friends will visit me."
Also I'm mildly traumatized because I thought that this teenage beginner dude and I had bonded over our inability to stay upright, but about 10 minutes later when I fell down HE LAUGHED AND POINTED AT ME.
May he never know sexual pleasure!!!!!
@Jane Err - Seconding everything everyone said above! Except maybe trying to fall cutely, I don't know about you, but falling down in snowpants and a bulky snowboarding jacket while both my feet are attached to one heavy thing sort of precludes being cute for me, but perhaps you are small and just that adorable. Point is, letting your boyfriend help you learn to snowboard will be excellent bonding and stuff, and then later you can show him your (inevitable) bruises and he can be all proud of you for toughing it out. :) Have fun!
@Jane Err: Fun fact - I'm afraid to snowboard because of the propensity to injure oneself, but I actively race motorcycles.
@xx-xx-xx She'll SHOW HIM HER BRUISES, all right!
I really really want to talk to you ladies about what happened this morning but this is really personal and although I love how we 'Pinners all share personal things with each other, this is the Internet and WHAT IF SOMEONE I KNOW READS IT? Waaah.
@jen325 use an allegory! Cleverly replace characters and institutions with animals, a la Animal Farm. WE NEED TO HELP FIX YOUR PROBLEMS!
@jen325 YES TALK TO US, YOUR LAST NAME ISN'T 325 OR ANYTHING RIGHT?
@jen325 Could names/situations be changed enough to protect the (not so) innocent, in your description?
@Jane Err Hm...see, it's not so much about characters and institutions, it's about ME and FEELINGS and a BODY-RELATED THING. A thing which may have been talked about a lot in several posts and comment threads over the past few days. I considered asking A Lady about it so I could be anonymous, but it's not so much that I have a problem, it's that I want to talk about it and find out about everyone's experiences with said Thing, because many of you have had such experiences and you are all so fabulous about everything. GAH.
Why did I build my username out of personally identifiable information? Stupid Jen.
@jen325 It's true, you are compromised, internet-ly. I now know that your name is Jen, and that you like Arrested Development, and that you have 325. . uh. . cats. . .?
I will find you and make you tell me your secrets to my EYES!
@jen325 Don't worry, there are lots of Jens in my life, I can't decide which one you are. (But seriously, I understand your apprehension. Share as much as you feel comfortable, no pressure.)
@Jane Err Jen, whose birthday is March 25th? Jen, who was born in the year 2325, but won't tell us what happens in the future because something something timeline? Jen, who was born in the year 1325, and it secretly a vampire? After which I am out of guesses that don't involve area codes and street numbers, like 325 Jen Street?
@jen325 UGH I know just what you mean, I'm always worried about getting too personal too. BUT OMG TELL US.
@jen325 Talk to us!
@jen325 I'm pretty sure it's not as identifying as you think! I encourage you to share if you want information, because we are quite friendly and open on here, but do not feel that sharing is The Objectively Right Thing To Do if it is really freaking you out.
@jen325 Make a fake name. Start again.
@catfoodandhairnets That's what all the cool ladies whose letters run in the advice columns do!
@Third Wave Housewife No, my last name isn't 325 but it's something. Anyway, people I know probably won't read this post anyway, so I'm probably just being paranoid.
SO I found out this morning that I'm pregnant. I don't want children, never have. I talked it over with my boyfriend and he's totally respectful of my decision to terminate the pregnancy. He doesn't want me to be a mother if I don't want to. Even if I did change my mind, though he would love to have a child with me, he recognizes that it would be a bad idea for several other reasons. He's already got kids (he's in the process of divorce), so his bad feelings about abortion are MUCH less now than they were when he was young (one of his old girlfriends had one, and he was torn up about it).
I am 100% certain that I DO NOT want to have a baby. Nevertheless, I'm having a lot of feelings about this, some of which appear on the surface to conflict with one another.
1. I've had a lot of unprotected sex in this and other serious relationships, and assumed I was infertile because I was never as careful as I should have been. So it's nice to know my body works.
2. I've heard that the body's natural state is pregnancy, so I think maybe this is good for me? I'm in my late 30's, have never been pregnant, and only ever used hormonal birth control for a few months.
3. I've dreamed of being pregnant (literally, like while I sleep), and I've always been drawn to the idea of it. I'm curious. I want to know what it feels like, physically and emotionally.
4. I will not carry this pregnancy past the first trimester, but I sort of want to let it go as long as I can because I want to be pregnant for awhile.
5. HOLY SHIT there is something growing inside me that would become a whole other person (if I were to let it go to term, that is), and that is magical and amazing.
6. My boyfriend is the first man I've ever been in a relationship with who is worthy of fathering my child. Our relationship is wonderful and healthy and fulfilling. The fact that this would-be human is a product of our love makes me love it despite the fact that I'm going to abort it. And I'm going to abort it despite the fact that I love it.
I've known about this for less than 24 hours, and I'm sure to have more thoughts and feelings about it. I have to go now, but thanks so much to those of you who prodded me to share. I'm glad I got this out. I love you all! :)
@jen325 "I've known about this for less than 24 hours"
Wow, that is not a lot of time to come to terms with something ginormous, no wonder you're still reeling! It's not only totally fine, but THE BEST THING YOU COULD DO FOR YOURSELF to take plenty of time to process this.
@jen325 *hugs* Just one thing (aside from the natural state of the body not being pregnancy, that's not A Thing): If you're at all on the fence about terminating or aren't terminating right away, you should seek prenatal care. It will help catch anything that might be going dangerously wrong, and it will keep you healthy. I mean, pregnancy is your body building another body--the toll it can take isn't small potatoes. Take care of yourself, jen.
@jen325 I must say this purely as a sex and reproductive health educator- get to a doctor as soon as you can to have your options laid out and to make sure everything is normal (ie not an ectopic pregnancy, in which case you will need treatment pretty soon). Letting a pregnancy that you plan to terminate go on for longer than it has to has major drawbacks- your options as to the method of termination shrink as time passes, and depending on the laws in your geographic location, you might find yourself scrambling to meet requirements or get an appointment in time. Also, do you know EXACTLY how far along you are? A doctor's appointment can tell you that, and getting up near the second trimester is pretty risky in terms of law, options for termination, etc. BUT, you are a grown ass woman and should make the decision that feels right for you!
Glad you got it out- I'm sure other pinners will have interesting feedback and nicer things to say than I do!
@jen325 Oh sweetie! That's so much to deal with in a day! Definitely take time and think about what you really want/feel/think/are, and know that no matter what you're making the right decision, whatever it is!!
We love you, too!! *hug*
@jen325 Big big hugs to you. The only advice that I'll give, because you don't need strangers telling you what to do with your body, is with regard to #4, you should err on the side of sooner rather than later, because the later it gets the harder it can get in some states to terminate, especially with funding cuts and limited availability. Good luck, and big Hairpin filled hugs (not literally, that would be prickly).
(hah, and other people said this better than I did while I was typing. Love you Hairpin people.)
@jen325 ((HUGS)) I don't have any advice, but just know that I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best.
@jen325 Wow, thanks so much for sharing, and you seem incredibly capable of making the right decision for yourself.
All I can say is that it makes sense to have a whole bunch of conflicting feelings. In fact at this stage, that's probably a good thing. Lots of love and hugs to you!
@jen325 Big, big hugs. Maybe take the weekend to think over what you want? It doesn't seem like that would have any medical implications, and since it's Friday anyway, that way you get the weekend to be in your own head - however you want to be. Plus, we know you'll be OK, you definitely have your head screwed on just as wackily as the rest of us.
@jen325 Sending lots of hugs and goodness your way.
@jen325
Even though I knew immediately that I did not want a baby, there were still some "wibbly" feelings leading up to it, but I realized pretty quickly that they weren't my truest feelings. Sometimes it's hard to trust yourself, especially when you know that what you really want is something that others will condemn. Don't let that affect your decision either way, but know that jitters do exist, that they are not the same as indecision (in the same way that wedding-day jitters do not equal second thoughts or uncertainty about marriage).
"I will not carry this pregnancy past the first trimester, but I sort of want to let it go as long as I can because I want to be pregnant for awhile."
I will say that this is a terrible idea for multiple reasons, the soundest of which are financial and legal. Your options narrow dramatically over time, and scheduling abortions/procedures/etc can take time as it is, so you cannot leave it to the last minute. Furthermore if you will be paying for this procedure out of pocket, it will be more expensive the further along you are. $350 at 12 weeks versus $500 a month later, etc. It will be more complicated and will have greater risk of complications. If you are absolutely sure that you do want to have an abortion, you should have it as soon as you reasonably can - and let me stress, that is ONCE you have decided that it is truly what you want.
And for the record, I regret nothing, and my relationship not only didn't fall apart, it grew stronger and we are still together nearly two years later. He would have been a good father then and maybe he will be someday, but that's not a good enough reason enough for me. Good luck lady!
@jen325 hugs and light your way, lady. You'll make the best decision for your life and your body, and that's what counts. You've got lots of 'pinners thinking of you!
@jen325 I think you should do what you want. I think if you are in a good relationship, you should tell your boyfriend first. If not, then, all I can say is that you aren't alone. If you need help, reach out. Planned Parenthood is generally a good place to talk about options and get support. I wish you luck and send my love.
@SarahP @wharrgarbl @Third Wave Housewife @Jane Err @thebestjasmine @OhShesArtsy @nyikin @Ophelia @andrea disaster @Diana @heyits @MalPal
WOW. You ladies are THE BEST. You're so sweet and supportive and offer such great advice. THANK YOU. Hugs all around!
For those of you who suggested I take some time to think about it, I understand where you're coming from. If I had any mixed feelings or was even the tiniest bit unsure what I wanted to do, taking time to make the right decision is absolutely essential because it's a horrible thing to live with if you come to regret it. Fortunately for me, I'm completely sure what I want to do. I'm 37 years old and have never wanted to have kids. When I was young I was open-minded enough to consider that I might change my mind at some point in the future when I found a man worthy of raising a child. But it never happened. By now I'm sure I'm never going to change my mind, and right now I take a lot of comfort in that certainty.
For those of you who suggested I not put it off once I'm sure of what I want to do, you're right. In hindsight, it wasn't smart of me to want to draw it out. I was letting my emotions cloud my decision-making. Thanks for talking some sense into me. :)
I LOVE YOU ALL!
Thought I'd give you all an update since you were so sweet and helpful. I ended up miscarrying anyway. I got a stomach bug or food poisoning Tuesday night and had a pretty violent reaction. 10 hours of diarrhea and vomiting. During that ordeal I started bleeding more heavily (I'd been spotting for a couple days previous) and had severe cramping. Went to the hospital in the morning and they found out I'd had a partial miscarriage. I took medication to expel the rest of the pregnancy tissue. The fetus was already gone; I guess that happened during the sickness and I didn't notice.
It was a painful ordeal, but I'm glad it happened the way it did. Even though I was confident in my decision to have an abortion and I didn't have any guilty feelings about it, I feel better about the fact that it happened on its own.
Thanks again for all your advice and kind words. It really meant a lot to me. :)
@jen325 That is pretty scary stuff and sounds miserable, but I'm glad you are alright and things have been more or less rectified. <3
@Third Wave Housewife Honestly, the stomach thing was pretty miserable. I never felt my health was in danger, so really the only scary thing was the fear that I might still be pregnant and thus have to pay for both the ER visit AND an abortion procedure soon thereafter. This is a bad time to be shelling out all that money, especially for a stupid mistake such as getting pregnant when you didn't intend it.
Thanks. :)
@jen325 Sending healing vibes your way, lady. I hope you'll be able to put this whole thing behind you soon. Thanks for the updates! *hugs*
@heyits Thanks. You rock! :)
(WARNING, I AM BRAG-WHINING)
It's good to get a promotion, right? Is it good to get a tiny raise and double my workload until further notice? As in, "If you do good, we will hire someone to do your old job. Until then, you have to do both with a fraction of the eventual raise to come." UGH. I hate the corporate ladder. It's full of fat guys and vague instructions and stupid Hallmark card motivational jargon.
@OhShesArtsy Did you perhaps mean frat guys? Cuz, um. Otherwise...
@Emby Erg, I did actually. This is what I get for typing website comments in between real work.
@OhShesArtsy You should try to get what "until further notice" means in real-time (in writing) ASAP. It's super-easy to get burned that way and just have both jobs become your job with that not-enough raise as compensation because hey, you're doing great and this means they don't have to pay someone new! Ask them for a timeline, when to expect a performance review, when your probationary period for the upgrade ends, whatever makes sense--but do it before they have a chance to get used to you just doing all this extra crap like it's your normal job.
@wharrgarbl Thanks for the advice, I will be sure to get this in writing. The timeline right now hinges on our imminent move to a larger office space which is slated to happen within the next month. I'm definitely being a squeaky wheel about it, I think I've asked my boss daily about how the move is going.
I was burned at another job when I took a new position after being told that it would lead to something better, then denied the better position/pay three times because "no one else can do [current position] like you!" Of course, I left them with a week's notice and, from what I hear, they are still scrambiling to replace me.
I don't mind work, but I hate all this career navigation. I keep reminding myself that this is what grown ladies do. Then I go home and cry with my cat and my beer. (Which is also what grown ladies do, right?)
Ok, done internet whining to strangers. It's pitiful. I'm done.
@OhShesArtsy If employers didn't have such a penchant for being mannerless curs about things like fair play and keeping their promises, it probably wouldn't be so hard.
If anyone cares at all (no one does) about the resolution of my href="http://thehairpin.com/2012/01/friday-open-thread-3#comment-192470">breakup dilemma from last week:
It is sorted out, and we are going to be friends and not date and I am okay with this (barring some future lapse).
After many days of texting (big mistake on my part – we kept texting each other about our days, as if we were still dating), I was a big ol mess and realllly missed him. We hung out on Wednesday, and it was super fun, though I was definitely falling back into girlfriend mode. After, I brought up whether this was weird or hard for him. His answer:
“No. You?”
So we had a talk, I explained where I was at (without saying I wanted to get back together, because it was clear that he didn’t). We talked about just cutting off contact, but that’s no fun, because he’s an awesome dude to hang out with if you don’t need him to be emotionally supportive or open! (Aka good friend, good bed guest, bad boyfriend). Then a miraculous thing happened! The conversation erased all the nostalgia I had, reminded me of what hadn’t worked with him, and now I don’t want to date him at all!
So now I just have to practice being his friend rather than acting like his girlfriend out of habit, and that’s it! We can be palz.
Huzzah!
@gobblegirl
Take a break! I promise the best thing you can ever do for exes-turned-into-friends is take a time out. Make a date with him one month from now and tell him you want to spend time alone until then.
Trust me...currently the guy I spend the most time with is an ex and I really worry I didn't spend enough time apart from him.
@gobblegirl I probably didn't read your original, but yay you for having a good discussion with him & coming to a resolution you can live with.
@Tuna Surprise Taking a break is something I really don’t want to do for other reasons – it would involve quitting a club we’re both in and otherwise making a few lifestyle changes that would suck – so the price of having it be slightly awkward for a little while is worth it for right now. So hopefully it’ll work out.
@gobblegirl
I hear you. I work with my ex so we see each other most days. It can be really hard because sometimes we will end up talking about work things and it gets silly and fun and all I can think is "THIS GUY IS AWESOME!!!" and it's hard not to love him anymore. I try to do things on a daily basis to remind myself we aren't together and aren't ever going to get back together. And hopefully, when he finds someone new, I'll be able to take the news tear free.
@gobblegirl: Take a break. Take a breakTake a breakTake a break.
If you do not gain objectivity via closure (vis a vis time), being with him will torture the shit out of you.
So, my best friend is getting married tonight (whee!!), and at last night's rehearsal dinner, the following things happened: the groom's father told me I look JUST like Gabby Giffords, the best man's pants fell to his ankles while standing out on St. Charles Avenue in Uptown New Orleans, and the bride ended up in bed with my mother. Just thought I'd share.
@erinzyme Sounds like an awesome night!
@erinzyme this wedding sounds like it will be major funtimes
@cliuless It promises to be epic.
@erinzyme New Orleans will do that sort of thing to you. ;)
It's Friday! Hooray! And I am full of questions, like:
what's going on (but not too going on) in Chicago this weekend?
does anyone have any secret and spectacular recipe websites (especially for making baked goods)?
and
would you like to check out my friend's blog please? because she's chasing her (completely achievable) dream of being a writer, and I think that's awesome!
hope everyone has a great weekend! :)
@iwearaFEZnow Don't call me a hippie, but everything that springs from the brain of Isa Chandra Moskowitz or Terry Hope Romero is delicious, and I really dig chocolate mint, so chocolate candy cane cookies! Make these but before baking, roll/press each ball of dough in a bowl of shattered candy canes (make em pretty small or nothing will stick). DELICIOUS!
@iwearaFEZnow I really like the King Arthur Flour blog, they have great recipes and really explain technique. My favorite cookbook writer for baking is Dorie Greenspan (I already linked to one of her recipes up top), I've made a lot of her stuff and only one thing has ever been not awesome, and for a while a bunch of foodblogs were doing a Tuesdays with Dorie thing where they would all post her recipes, so you should google that and then poke around the blogs.
AUSTINITES! Did you see this update on the Esme Barrera murder investigation?!
@wee_ramekin Ugh, that poor roommate. Sad everything, but I hope that means things are safer in Austin.
I ordered that cute slip from last week's bargain bin and it came in the mail yesterday and I tried it on and wore it for about 5 minutes before my boyfriend tore it off of me. So I guess he *really* didn't like it.
@Brunhilde Which color? WHAT IS IT LIKE? Can I live vicariously?
@SarahP I... I meant the slip, by the way. I know what "it" is like.
@SarahP I ordered BOTH but only the red one came because the black was out of stock. It's super comfy and soft, and really stretchy and clingy and sexy! Oh, and I know this was a thing for other people looking at it, so I'm 6'0" and it hits a couple of inches above the knee on me.
@Brunhilde omg link I love sexy things
@Third Wave Housewife The Free People Pointelle Slip, but it looks like all they have left are extra-small black ones.
@Brunhilde I ordered it too, and it came last night. I was nervous it wouldn't fit, but it does and I love it. I just don't know how to be a lady and wear it with things.
@soul toast It's so cute I want to wear it as a dress! But so thin that any spanx type thing I could wear it would be totally obvious.
I think I need a new job. My coworker is certifiable. She's always been one to say weird things, or suggest conspiracies here and there, or make covertly racist statements, but yesterday took the cake. She was whisper-talking to another coworker about whateverthefark her latest conspiracy thoughts are, and all of a sudden it morphed into this discussion about how she basically thinks (I'm totally summarizing here) soylent green is happening or about to happen. As in, white people aren't having many kids anymore, but people of colour are, and no one (governments, business, Big Brother too I guess) is doing anything about that *because they're going to be a food source*. I didn't say anything, because I wasn't part of the convo, but I don't really know what you say when presented with a statement like that anyway. It's so over the top that I can't figure out where you begin to unpack it. I guess it fits in with her theories that most people are psychopaths, rather than the 1% usually cited.
The mind, it boggles.
Such has been my week at work. I really need to get out of here, right? Before *I* start turning into someone like this?
@dale You're not going to turn into a horrible crazy person, but she's not going to miraculously stop being horrible, so you will have to keep listening to her if you stay. Though a theory that most people are psychopaths kind of turns it into an I Am Legend scenario, doesn't it?
@wharrgarbl It does make me wonder what she'd do if faced with an actual post-apocalyptic existence...
I guess this weekend is dusting off the ol' resume.
@dale: I *hate* co-workers like that. It's such a... well, mental thing, like, they have a problem, but it's just mild enough that they don't really get called on it.
My first date from last week (see here) went really well and I've seen him 3 times since then, and he's coming over tonight! Aaah! I haven't liked anyone this much in years and I'm scared. Sexytimes will probably be happening and that would normally not scare me but now it is making me hella nervous. Help.
@ImASadGiraffe Relax, take a deep breath, and jump in feet first! Own that situation! And remember there's nothing like a good laugh to diffuse a tense, potentially awkward situation. Good luck!
@charlesbois It makes it even harder because we're both generally dorky, awkward people, and even though he seems to think my ability to say the weirdest thing that pops into my head is adorable, I'm still nervous.
I think all of this just means that we're probably a good match and I just need to not worry and let it be. I just don't want to mess up the first good thing I've had in a while.
@ImASadGiraffe Your attitude, "I just need to not worry and let it be" is EXACTLY the right one to have. Don't psyche yourself out worrying about what may or may not happen. Sexy times are teh fun, so start having FUN tonight! ;)
@ImASadGiraffe speaking as a dude, if he's as into you as you seem to be into him, then he's probably just as terrified. If you're into each other, you won't mess it up.
@rudedog@twitter @charlesbois We had a good night but now I'm in the post-sexytimes "Is he ever going to call me again" waiting period. Typical.
Can I get personal? I can get tmi with you, right? I'm going through that second puberty thing that was discussed a bit ago, and all my pms symptoms are Changing, and I don't know what to do. Ever since my inaugural surf of the crimson wave up until a few months ago my pain was always in the fronts of my thighs and lower abdomen, but now it's all in my back and my boobs. OH MY POOR POOR BOOBS. They are so sore! It's all I can think about! Nothing is helping! Please someone help me deal with this new and terrible pain. Is there anything I can do? I am genuinely aggrieved that these parts that have brought me such joy are the victims of the cruel whims of hormones. MY BOOBS SEEM SO SMART BUT ALSO I'M SCARED ABOUT MY BOOBS.
@ilikemints When I went through period-puberty, my cramps increased in intensity and it SUCKS. I asked my doctor about it, and she said that getting calcium supplements help not only with cramps, but PMS symptoms in general. Obviously don't overdo it on calcium, but if you're not getting 100% every day, maybe it would help?
(And while I used to be fixedly against painkillers, once period-puberty hit, ibuprofen became a medicine cabinet staple. Just make sure you try to preempt the pain; ibuprofen works best when it's before the muscles start hurting.)
@ilikemints Oh god, I can't figure out how to fix boob pain, but my tips include: HEATING PADSSSSS (though not for your boobs) for your back, and completely ignoring dosage amounts on the ibuprofen bottle. To be honest, in my newly awful periods, I tend to just sit in a chair at work, raging at everything, wishing I had not gained 5% over my normal weight in water and misery, and having the most horrible farts ever. And eating ibuprofen like candy.
Oh oh and information about cramps and ibuprofen! Cramps are VERY hard to relieve with painkillers if they are already happening, because period cramps are muscle spasms. Start taking a low dose of ibuprofen before you expect your period and stomach lining be damned, stay on a steady stream of that shit for three days once you start bleeding and keep heating pads with you EVERYWHERE (the disposable kind of course)
@SarahP @ilikemints Agree with SarahP here - a calcium/magnesium pill will go a long way towards alleviating your symptoms.
@ilikemints
What is up with that? I NEVER had sore boobs before. Like, so many years of periods and boobs that just brought me joy. And now, so sore I keep thinking I'm pregnant.
Hormones are the worst.
@Party Falcon I didn't know falcons had boobs.
@Third Wave Housewife I need to keep reminding myself it's just water and misery and we are not a manatee today, because oh man am I totally feeling you. Right now.
@ImASadGiraffe Do Sad Giraffes?
You just can't see them, 'cause of our stylish hoods.
@Party Falcon Touche...I wish giraffes had stylish hoods.
@ImASadGiraffe Perhaps the reason for the sadness? Something that perhaps you can work through with your therapist.
But you have the beautiful spots!
@Third Wave Housewife
Just take ibuprofen every day no matter what. I have bottles secreted everywhere.
@Party Falcon The "sad" part is actually an allusion to my favorite Paul Frank character, Clancy...he was a super short giraffe who was sad because he wasn't tall.
But yes, the spots. Don't know why leopard print is all the rage when giraffe is obviously superior.
@ilikemints Do you eat a lot of fish? Because one of my friends had that second puberty thing happened, and went through a bunch of stuff to try to fix it, and finally did what her doctor had recommended and started eating fish (and she'd been a vegetarian for 10 years) and it helped her dramatically. Or you could take fish oil pills, but those seem kind of gross.
@thebestjasmine Aw, just FYI, most of the stuff in fish oil supplements is also in flax oil (and/or supplements), which is another option for people who aren't into fish. (There are a couple other veg options, but I can't think of them off the top of my head.)
BUT good to know that might help with second-puberty stuff!
@SarahP Oh, good, because fish oil pills smell SO TERRIBLE
Hey, trying to crowdsource an answer to a question. Despite how you might feel about Nicki Minaj's "Stupid Hoe" I have a question about the lyrics. When she says "but my kitchen good," I just found out "kitchen" is black vernacular for the nape of the neck. Can anyone clue me in on the etymology? There's a book at a uni library I think will give me the answer, but I thought I'd turn to the internets first. Thanks!
@charlesbois So not exactly the nape of the neck (at least, not in my family) but the base of the hairline where your hair tends to be particularly nappy, as my grandma would phrase it. I don't know what the other lyrics in the song are, but "good hair" in the black community means straight and pretty and white looking (sort of), and so if your kitchen is good that would mean that you have reallly good hair, because it's good even in your kitchen.
@charlesbois Thank you so much thebestjasmine! I really appreciate your answer.
@thebestjasmine And as my friends explained it to me, the strands of hair that have grown out since one's last relaxer/perm end up in little whorls that sort of look like "pots and pans hanging on hooks" so that's why it's the kitchen.
So surely this is going to be buried and get no responses, but here it goes -
I'm getting a new tattoo tonight. It's a group thing that we've had to plan so I'm not entirely prepared. I know I'm getting cherry blossoms (as is my sister. Sister tattoos! We are lame.) and I'm thinking my left arm.
So - Upper arm/shoulder area or forearm, which is closer to my existing inner-wrist tat?
@NeverOddOrEven sister tattoos! That is so awesome :) I would go with upper arm/shoulder. That's my vote! I love something sexy/elegant/whatever on the back of the shoulder/top of the arm.
@NeverOddOrEven Shoulder!
@redheadedandcrazy Yea, we've been through some crazy-ass family shit and have gotten really close as a result. She's pretty much my best friend AND mother figure (my shrink called that out and it makes perfect sense) so it's basically in commemoration of that.
@Lucienne I'm polling Facebook too and I've only gotten one vote for forearm, which is what I'm leaning towards...
Funny thing is I used to really want a tattoo on the back of my shoulder (This definitely didn't have anything to do with that blonde on Road Rules Europe. Nope.) but then it became a "thing". But all body mods do at some point I guess.
@NeverOddOrEven Go with what you're leaning towards! I kind of love the forearm for something like this--you'll get to see it all the time and be reminded of her. :) Have fun!
@NeverOddOrEven It's probably too late—I hope you're silently screaming in pain right now—but I love cherry blossoms, and I love shoulder tattoos, and eventually I hope to extend my ribcage tattoo upwards and outwards to my shoulder, including some cherry blossoms along the way.
I vote shoulder, if that wasn't clear. BUT! Do what makes you happy! Both will be awesome.
@NeverOddOrEven I'm super duper late but where did you get it!? Link us to picturesss! I love tattoos and really wanna get another one but I don't know what to get yet. I have a tattoo of 2 birds of paradise on my upper arm, sort of on the inside of my arm, though (although half of it is visible if you look dead-on.) And a blue footed boobie on my ribs.
@pastina Sorry for the delayed response.
It's all scabby, so I'll update with a pic once it heals. I got a branch of cherry blossoms down my forearm, my sister has her's down her thigh.
I'm excited to go back and get more work on it. Right now it's a little basic and crude - I want more detail and maybe even more flowers, but its a good start!
Also, I'm all for birds. My first and only other tat is an eagle on my wrist, and I though about sticking with the bird theme. So pretty...
@NeverOddOrEven I am ridiculously excited for you!
I'm also SLIGHTLY drunk and wondering if it's bad to be slightly drunk alone on a Wednesday (and also very sure that this thread is perhaps not the venue for this...but, drunk. But then slightly drunk for me is 2 beers.) Also - I JUST caught the Sherlock/Cumberbatch bandwagon and OH MY STARS it is a sexy wagon to be on. Are you by any chance a Sherlock fan (I'm so sorry I'm ridiculous right now.)
ANYWAY - So so so excited for you and your new tattoo-ness!!
@NeverOddOrEven Also, is the eagle tat on the same arm or the other? [Basically I'm just very excited and happy for you and your new healing tattoo :)]
Stylish ladies, hellllp. My company got nominated for a couple industry awards, and so a few execs were invited to the "black tie preferred" awards ceremony. They all hate going to this ceremony, so they asked if my boss and I would go, and I was caught up in the moment and said "Okay" and now I'm freaking out. I have one dress that is acceptable but not super flattering, and not really enough time/money to get a new dress... SO I'm wondering if I can wear this american apparel dress, in the style in the navy and royal blue pictures? (Crossed in front of the neck.) I have it in asphalt. Do you think I can dress that up enough to be "black tie preferred" material, or should I opt for my other, acceptable-but-not-super-flattering dress?
@SarahP Linky, please?
@SarahP With it being "Black Tie Preferred", maybe. Do you have a nice shrug/shawl type thing to dress it up?
@Party Falcon Aw crud, when I edited my comment for a typo, it took away my link. THIS ONE, like she has it in the "pink," "navy," and "royal blue" pictures.
@OhShesArtsy I do, and I was thinking of adding some classy heels and jewelry. But I don't knowwwww.
@SarahP Yes, but you have got to accessorize to the hilt. Hair and dressy makeup and the whole bit. I mean big time. No light gloss, brushed hair and a sensible bangle. You are going to have to sell the Black-tie with you and the bits n bobs you add to accessorize.
Will the material properly hold up a sparkly brooch in the center of the bodice? Or do some MAJOR dangly earring and a chunky sparkly bracelet.
@OhShesArtsy Did I halucinate that link? I swear I clicked through to a dress a minute ago?
@SarahP I am guessing that it is this dress, right? http://store.americanapparel.net/rsa8339.html
I have this dress and it is super-cute (and very flattering) but knits are hard to dress up! Accessories would be key and so maybe if you had some super special shaw/shoes/clutch combo (or are just generally a glamorous person) it could work, but I'm frankly skeptical.
Personally, my formula for fancy dressing is 2 hours + $50 + Forever 21/Charlotte Russe = something acceptable and it has never failed me yet.
And I can't edit in this browser. Never mind.
@OhShesArtsy You aren't hallucinating; I went to edit my comment and didn't realize it would take away my html. I linked to it again in my comment right after it, though.
@SarahP That link-erasure thing happens to me all the time and I hate it. And of course you never notice until it's too late to re-edit.
Anyway, I agree with everyone else that this could be made to happen, but you gotta go hard on the glam everything-else. Shoes also very important (but this is how I feel about all situations). At the same time, though, if you're a little underdressed, I think that's better than feeling like a manatee all night?
@SarahP Also, if you do want to get something new to wear, don't underestimate the formalwear section of Loehmann's. You'll be rubbing shoulders with the old ladies, but every black-tie dress I have came from there (and they're nice, I swear. Calvin Klein for $67.)
@SarahP I worry about this. Even if you glam it up, will it look like (or feel) you're obviously trying to overcompensate for wearing jersey? It's what tshirts are made of, you know?
Sorry if this sounds bitchy or not encouraging - it's just that if it were me, I would feel really self-conscious the whole time (even if no one else noticed or cared what I was wearing), and other people DO notice if you don't look comfortable in your own clothes.
@SarahP with accessories, yes. like a cute ballet sweater and shiny jewelry and up hair.
@gobblegirl It would work better if it was a longer length I think. You don't have time to take a lunch break and go shopping? Or work won't let you take some time since it's a work function?
@everyone I tried on a bunch of things for a friend this weekend, and the jersey dress was the first thing she vetoed. BUT when she saw the one I'd thought was acceptable-but-not-flattering, she was like "That's so pretty!" so I am feeling better about it.
Thanks for the help, though, everyone!
Or creepy fun-house circus music...
Let us now whine about having the Super Bowl in one's city of residence!!
But, you're asking, Party Falcon, isn't having the Super Bowl in your city a guarantee of awesome people and awesome parties? For like weeks? Which seems to be your thing?
Ah yes, you'd think that would be true, but my pets, a confession: Party Falcon cannot abide tourists nor establishments that find it acceptable to serve cocktails in plasticware.
These, in fact, seem to be the selling point of MOST of the planned activities in my fair city this weekend.
@Party Falcon Don't forget the Super Bowl in My Fair City two years ago, when it ICED. And all the sand and ice melt was used to keep the highways around Cowboys Stadium ice-free. So there was none for the rest of us, and I ended up commuting forty miles each way at 0400 and 2000 on SIX INCHES OF SOLID MELTED/FROZEN ICE.
The only upside was that, by the end of Day 3, I was so exhausted by attempting to skate down I-35, I greeted every skid and slide on the way home with a "WAAAAHOOOOOO!" rather than "shitshitshitshit."
@Party Falcon Do you live downtown? I live up by Zionsville and went downtown today to Chatham Tap and HOLY CRAP I know it's still a week away, but it seems there are a lot more people around than usual. AND I have to drive downtown again on Tuesday to tour the Electron Microscopy lab at IUPUI and I'm sure traffic will be worse!
However, I hate the Patriots and like the Giants, so I'm all for a Manning kicking Brady's ass in Our Town.
Long pointless reply, I think I'm just half excited to find someone near me!
Ugh how do you know when you should give up on a relationship? I dumped my boyfriend because we both f-ed up, and we've been trying to work it out but he's just not getting that he needs to step up more and put more effort in. I'm so frustrated and am thinking maybe I should just cut him off? Like maybe the devastation in the short run will be better than dragging it out?
@Prairie Dawn Ugh. I thought I could be friends with my ex. Someone on here suggested that I just cut him off, even as a friend. I realized that having him in my life at all was just making me sad.
It's the best choice I have ever made.
@Prairie Dawn Yes, the devastation in the short run is better. You can go back to being friends later, but you both need time not talking and not trying to make it (anything) work before you'll be able to talk to each other like people instead of like exes.
@Prairie Dawn I am currently doing a Friend Experiment (as explained up above) with my recent ex, but it sounds like your sitch is way different (ie, you actually want to date each other). Ripping off the bandaid is the better choice 99 per cent of the time.
I am watching Catwoman right now. Wow, I knew it would be bad, but...WOW.
@whereismyrobot So bad.
@Jane Err Unlike the Love Boat, which I have been watching lately. It is highly entertaining, campy and ever so glamourous. Thoroughly enjoyable!
Where my had-an-interview peeps from last week? Anyone heard?
I found out I didn't get mine. :( Bummer, but it turned out, I was prepared for disappointment! It is fine, it would have been cool, but what you can do. I am probably inordinately interested in finding out who got it, probably so I can judge them unworthy and feel superior, I keep checking their website, I hope they update it soon.
@Marzipan Gah, it's tough out there. It's not a non-profit field, is it? So many people I know in non-profits started out at their organizations as volunteers who edged their way in to staff positions.
I won't hear anything about my thing until after the 1st as my contact is on vacation. Am v. antsy.
Bummer, Marizpan! I had a phone screen Monday, she said she would be getting back to people about Round 2 on Friday, and.... nothing. I'm still hoping to hear on Monday!
I was tentatively diagnosed with PCOS this week. I'm kind of not surprised, but a little bummed. Anyone have experience/thoughts?
@femme cassidy My whole family! Excercise, watch your weight (dramatic weight gains can sneak up on you with PCOS), get a good waxer or invest in laser, and try not to worry about your fertility. 5/6 had no issues, the other managed 1 gorgeous girl with minimal treatment :)
I should be walking this old thing (in my profile pic) but instead am reading all these comments. Also I took an extra day off for weekend because my Thursday morning class is kind of a wash, and so far I haven't really gotten any school stuff done. But I DO have groceries and got a haircut (I haven't had one in...7 months?)
Day started off terribly with me waking up to a bed covered in cat vomit. But! That vomit got me to do all of the laundry and doing all of the laundry got me to purge TWO GARBAGE BAGS of clothing for Goodwill. My dresser drawers close now! Jolie! Come see!
@thanks_maybe I am so jealous of your dresser drawers! I want to clean everything!
@thanks_maybe I got woken up to dog horks on my bed yesterday! Gotta love them.
The week started terribly, but I finished it out by finally being brave by both standing up for myself at work, and starting to comment here. Hurrah for Fridays!
@llama of history The Hairpin encourages these things, welcome to a lovely internet family!
open threads make me post a zillion times but guys I don't have a TV and Fridays after Mister comes home are WATCH THE NEW PARKS AND REC ON HULU TIME YESSSSS
@Third Wave Housewife I think I'll watch it again. Parks and Rec is the only show I watch Thursday nights (illegally) and then think, hmm, it's on Hulu now, might as well watch it once when it might be recorded....
GUYS HELP ME I'm going to a "Too Soon" themed party tonight, and I have no idea what to wear, mostly because I want to avoid the dead celebrity/public figure route if possible. I've got one friend going as Billy Cundiff on suicide watch, and another going as the "What are we?" talk. Any suggestions?!
@PrincessBeyonce I don't know how you could go as hitting on your ex's sibling, but that's the first thing I thought of.
@PrincessBeyonce
I think it's still too soon to do a 9/11 themed costume. Do you have another friend that can be the North Tower? Amy Winehouse? Gabby Giffords? Liz Taylor? Etta James? All too soon.
Could you do Blue Ivy Carter as a famous baby? Strung out baby? Still too soon.
@PrincessBeyonce (Is the name from Raising Hope? LOVE)
A widow on the dating scene? Like, still in her black veil and stuff? I dunno, that one seems awful and judgey. Maybe a lite version of that with a pet replacer? Like, carry a little shoe box with RIP Fluffy or whatever and a plushie kitten/puppy/etc?
This is a hard theme party.
@PrincessBeyonce Premature ejaculation?
@PrincessBeyonce suri cruise or rehab demi lovato, or porn star miley cyrus
it's always too soon to be a nazi.
@LeafySeaDragon I was initially thinking Cokehead Chloe Moretz, but I ended up thinking that might be a little obscure. Oh god I'm reading Lainey AND Vulture right now, what has become of me.
@MilesofMountains A sperm costume and a big stop watch?
@laurel DING DING DING DING DING
@PrincessBeyonce
Oh man, I wish I saw this last night! I went to a Too Soon party a little while ago and it was really great. Tell us all the cool costumes!
I was Dobby, with a stab-wound.
@PrincessBeyonce Alright guys, I wound up wearing a nautical-looking dress I have and a captain's hat to be the captain of the Italian cruise ship that went down a week ago (the one who "tripped" into a lifeboat and abandoned ship.) I made a sign with the sideways ship that said "Ciao!" and taped it to my back and it was an overwhelming success.
My favorite costumes were a girl dressed as the morning after (since it was still the night of), a guy who was a SOPA-censored image (all black with tape over his junk and a bunch of "censored" stickers), and a girl who put make-up bruises all over her faces to be domestic violence, because it is always too soon for that. Sadly there were NO premature ejaculators to be found.
Highlight of the week: my friend invited me to be in the delivery room when she has her baby in early May. She was very low-key about it (told me in a text message that she & her husband "thought it would be cool" if I wanted to be there), which is kind of the overarching quality of our friendship. Neither of us is really demonstrative, and we are work-friends (she was my work spouse till we moved out of our shared office) so sometimes it's not immediately obvious even to me how tight we are. But really she is one of my best friends and I am just massively honored and flattered and cannot wait. Hooray!
Anybody wanna talk about makeup? I'm itching to try the new YSL Glossy Stain stuff. But what I'm REALLY itching to do is get it in the violet color and then have vampy purple lips! But then when I think about it another way, is it vampy, or is it how I look when I look in the bathroom mirror after an evening of sipping on some $2 cabernet (i.e. not at my most beautiful, lip-wise)? So many strong, contradictory emotions.
@leastimportantperson I say vampy if you make the rest of your face done, but naked-looking. You know what I mean: minimal eyeliner, beigeish shadow, nonclumpy mascara, LIPS.
Because, um, that was how I wore purple lips in the '80's. Worked then, ought to work now. *koff*
@Mingus_Thurber I think you're right. I might hold off because I'm on an eyeliner kick right now. And also because I want to get a whole boatload of nail polish.
@leastimportantperson Get a ridiculous purple shade of drugstore lipstick first to make sure you like it, imo. Revlon Superlustrous has like four purple shades I can think of off the top of my head, and it's creamy (Superlustrous is the only lipstick I've ever tried that is actually moisturizing), pigmented, and like $7. There's two or three bananas shades in that new Covergirl LipPerfection as well, although I can't vouch for its formula since I haven't tried it yet. That way you don't drop YSL cash (aaah!!! not even once!) on something you don't feel. Hell I think Wet and Wild has some $2 purple options, although any lipstick besides Superlustrous feels like moisture-sapping death to me so I wouldn't personally.
I'm of the mind that all you really need to do to pull something off is to wear it then not mess with it, but I agree with Mingus_Thurber that having the rest of your face done will help alleviate any nervousness. You could also commit to your look real hard and do big black winged liner and a strong brow (but no eyelid or cheek color beyond contouring) and then act like a ghost from the future all day.
@leastimportantperson Also, yes, buy all of the nail polish. If your local drugstore still has oldschool (slanted sides instead of a cylinder) Revlon nail polish bottles you were coveting, I'd get them now since they're phasing in new ones with different colors.
@thesailorsaid Maybe I already am a ghost from the future. Ever think of that?
And yeah, I guess my nervousness is more like, I seriously will wear anything if I think it's great, but sometimes, looking back I'm like... what what WHAT was I thinking?? And I guess I feel this familiar swell of enthusiasm here, and I want to avoid future regret.
@leastimportantperson Good point.
True. I'm still not over those black leather fingerless biker gloves I wore every day all of freshman year in highschool, including with my pink peasant top/pink jeans outfit. (Kill me?) I LOVED those stupid gloves though, and thought I looked awesome! So I just try to remember that I thought that lipstick-as-blush or whatever dumb stuff I pulled was fuckin' bangin' at the time, and laugh at 14-year-old-me's questionable taste.
Hairpinners, are you all very sure that you don't live in Cleveland? I wanna Cleve Pin-Up and new friends in a cold wet godforsaken place.
@DH@twitter I grew up there. I hope you find fellow Pinners there. I have a lot of guilt about my post-college relocation to the east coast, because if there's anything Cleveland needs (other than general reinvestment), it's more Hairpin readers!
@DH@twitter i was sad. none for me either. there is not a portland one, and c'mon! it's a big city! :(
So I finished my Masters in August and have applied for maybe 35 jobs all over the country. I have received one interview...for a part time position. I have had many people look at my resume and tell me that it looks great.
I feel actually happy when I get any response that says I didn't get a job. I have eight years experience in my field. I have no idea what else I should do.
That said, I work as an assistant and am very lucky to have any job, but it is just so depressing.
who else has the flu?
I came down with it yesterday and it was very sudden. Terrible, tingly pain everywhere, tingling behind my ears, burning hot face and ears. Slightly delirious conversation and laughing.
Feeling better today because I think I literally sweated some of the illness out. I don't even actually believe that, but I can't explain it another way.
Don't know if anyone else reads the blog "Miss Moss," but she just put up a really great music mix that's free to download. It's very upbeat and wonderful and I thought I'd try to share it!
@Katie Scarlett Related: OMG I finally figured out how to embed a link in a comment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was friend-dumped two Friday's ago, and it really sucks. I've been so depressed and trying not to Facebook stalk her to see if she's having fun with our mutual friends.
In the past two weeks I bought that slip from Free People from last week, and these shoes: http://www.toms.com/womens/new-styles/valentine-women-s-classics
I also decided to drop one of my classes since it's making my misery worse. Ugh, I wish I had my ex-friend to talk to. My SO gets that I'm sad, but can't really help me.
@soul toast any chance of reconciliation sometime down the road? That so completely sucks. : ( I'm sorry. Friend breakups are so hard, and in some ways even harder than a romantic breakup.
A question for any of the skilled makeuppers out there: The majority of the times I curl my eyelashes, I feel like they uncurl the minute I apply mascara. Why is this? Am I doing something wrong somewhere? I don't use a lot of mascara or a heavy one; I just like the lashes to lightly coated just to be darker than what they really are, and very separated and not clumpy. I don't really like recurling them after I use the mascara because it's messy and they sort of bend as opposed to curl, and end up stuck together in clumps.
In a perfect world, I'd get the last extensions that punkahontas featured in her blog but I am afraid of anyone going near my eyes with any sort of tool!
@Hellcat You can try heating the eyelash curler with a blowdryer a little bit first before curling? That increases the staying power a lot (think about using a curling iron on your hair vs. wrapping it around a pencil for a minute). That said, look at what kind of mascara formula you're using and the brush it has. The really dense-brushed ones with thick dry mousse formulas seem like you kinda have to work them into your lashes and then pull them through. And then by effect you feel like you're brush-yanking on your eyelashes and thinking it's pulling the curl out. Try to find a thinner, liquidy mascara formula with a comb-style brush so it goes on smooth and easy. Right now I use Maybelline One-by-One, it's got a thinner formula and a plastic-bristle brush instead of the standard spoolie brush; I love how it just kinda paints on easily instead of dragging the crap on.
@thesailorsaid Why, thank you. I think I will try the heating thing, as the mascara I use is from Bare Ecscentuals and I really like it. (Plastic-bristle brush: check! Thinnish consistency: check!) Of course, I will give this a try after I stop sneezing like a maniac, which causes eye-watering and all sorts of hideous things!
@thesailorsaid This may sound silly, but I'm scared that if I heat the curlers with the blow dryer too much they might just singe my eyelashes clean off?? Am I being paranoid or is that a thing?
@Hellcat No problem! Any excuse to ramble at length about makeup stuff is accepted here at the bank of me, lol. Oh god, sneezing fits vs. mascara. I'm a multisneezer and sometimes I wind up with tears running down my face and that is when someone walks into my area of the office? ugh
Oh oh PS curl before you put mascara on it. If you do it after when it's dry, the mascara has dried holding it in a straight shape. If the mascara is wet, you get mascara all over the curler and it's a nightmare to clean off (plus it leaves bits of your lashes mascaraless?) and sometimes it'll stick to the curler and rip your lashes out. Bad scene. Curl them before and then convince yourself that the mascara is like eyelash hairspray sealing the curl in. I miss Maybelline Lash Styliste so badly, it was like runny paint on a little brush and then it dried like crispy bacon and held a curl like a boss. Sigh ;__;
@Prairie Dawn Oh god oh god I don't think so? I mean you can burn your head hair by clamping it in a 500* flatiron for too long but compared to a couple squeezes with an eyelash curler it seems pretty harmless to me. Pinching and burning your eyelid is totally a thing though! It is a mistake you only make once. Definitely hit it with the dryer for a couple seconds, then test it on the inside of your arm and then be super careful. Just spend a while on the weekend heating it up for 5 seconds, 10, 15, etc. until it's hot but you can hold your finger on it for a couple seconds without it hurting. And then be a careful-assed surgeon curling your lashes.
Oh oh and try to use a moisturizing makeup remover (baby oil! or those almay pads with baby oil on them!) since curling your lashes is kinda rough on them, and the oil conditions them which helps. (Plus it cuts through all the liner/shadow/etc crap better so you're pulling on your eyelids less, aka less eyelid wrinkles later in life hopefully.)
/could type about makeup until I die
@thesailorsaid You can actually buy lash curlers that heat up! I have never, ever curled my lashes, but there's a trick I do that sort of auto-curls them. I put mascara on bottom lashes, then do the top lashes as per usual. Then I sort of half-close my eyelid and bring the mascara brush down from above and put mascara on the top/behind part of my upper lashes. Then a few more strokes the regular way from below. As the mascara dries, it sort of curls the lashes up a bit like magic!
@thesailorsaid Thank you, thank you! I haven't actually tried it yet, as I was already makeupped Friday night when I typed that, and haven't put on anymore since. And no worries on the eyelid-pulling due to liner and eyeshadow; I don't wear any (I am terrible at it, even when I want a messy Courtney Love-ish thing!).
Is anyone still around? I need to get up and fix another drink but my kitty is laying across my arm and I don't want to move him because he is so damn cute. Also, I just typed this with my left hand (I'm not left-handed).
happy friday y'all! yesterday i was out going for my little walk, and i spent a good portion of that time reflecting upon how awesome all of you pinners are and how very very sad I would be not to have this community in my life!
seriously, you folks are the bee's knees. And i don't throw that phrase around lightly!
@redheadedandcrazy
And you're the cat's pajamas.
Hypothetical Question to all who have broken up with people who may, when you're feeling weak and really how do they know, send you a text.
Do you...
1. Say "Um, who is this?" so they know you deleted their number, and then ignore them after they identify?
2. Ignore them entirely, so they wither and repeatedly check their phone and ask someone else to text them because maybe it's broken, except that someone will then ask why and embarrass them even more?
3. Say something cutting in text speech to indicate you don't give a fuuuuck?
4. Subtly imply you're having the sexy sex with the guy they always felt physically inferior to, while they are going bald all aloneypants?
Please advise. Fill-in-the-blank answers WILL be accepted.
ETA: If you are later meeting up with his mom, is it tacky to subtly imply said sexytimes with aforementioned superior guy, like could he just be standing around in boxer briefs when she came to pick you up and could your hair be the same degree of wetness to indicate co-showering.
@Inkcrafter I like #2 personally! #1 is a pretty good burn though. #3 and #4 involve way too much effort and thought imo.
@Inkcrafter #2. As much as the others might sound like fun, 2 is probably the best route if you really want nothing to do with the person anymore.
@Inkcrafter the REAL answer to this question for me is sending them a gushy, detailed text a minute after they sent theirs and ruin any mystery and dignity I ever had.
But I think what YOU should do is ignore. It'll make him crazy that you don't care enough to take the time. Succeed where I have failed and ignore!
@Inkcrafter welp my comment ended up nowhere near your post
but yeah @Prairie Dawn that's me right there too.
This is way super down on the thread but I just wanted to share that I made a Major Life Decision this week and am feeling so excited and motivated. I had a really rough breakup back in November and have been in this place of uncertainty about what I wanted to do with my life for about a year, and through some serious meditation and working some shit out, I'm realizing that I want to make my life the life I've always wanted, one that is rich in experiences and possibility, that is giving towards others, and that I really, truly don't need a romantic relationship to make that happen. The weird part is, I'm completely ok with that. I still miss the Juicebox Ex and I probably always will, but that missing him isn't controlling my life anymore. What a relief!
So I'm meeting with an academic adviser next week, and at the ripe old age of 27, I'll be starting my undergraduate majoring in Pre-Med, with the intention to become a gynecologist. The thought of not actually being a full-fledged doctor until my late 30s is a little intimidating, but by then my child will be about ready to graduate high school, and what a good example that will set for him!
TL;DR, life is opening up in wonderful ways, and I really think that having the Hairpin as this really great space to interact and see other amazing women's experiences has been such a great help! Have a good weekend, folks.
@heyits Congratulations on your new awesome life path! Best of luck at school!!
@heyits That is mothereffing awesome. Congratulations, for serious. Damn girl. Get it done.
@heyits This is exciting! I feel kind of this way except that I'm still trapped in a job that I hate for the forseeable future
BUT I'm starting to look into a different avenue for the further than foreseeable future and I'm kind of realizing that I'm way more excited about that.
Also this: "I still miss the Juicebox Ex and I probably always will, but that missing him isn't controlling my life anymore. What a relief!" obviously applies to me as well. BUT I think I have a pretty good sense of humour about the whole thing and I still feel that I'm doing pretty well all things considered!
*clinks champagne glass*
Also the Hairpin IS awesome! So much inspiration and encouragement. :')
@all Thank you! The thought of being a full-time student, a full-time office worker, and a full-time mom is a little daunting for me (OK, majorly daunting), but fuck it! I owe it to myself to challenge myself and use my talents. And I owe it to the people around me who support me and love me so much. And I owe it to those people who I can help with my mad doctor skillz. And goddamn I'll look good in that white coat.
@redheadandcrazy *clink* whatever your avenue is you are thinking of pursuing, go for it with all your heart, because you will rock it so hard. I know it.
@heyits
Good for you! One of my friends from law school went back to college at the age of 32 to finish her prereqs to go to medical school and this is after she was a practicing lawyer. So good for you! It can be done! You won't be the oldest there!!
@heyits That is so freaking cool and exciting!
@heyits
When my wife went to school at around that age, she got a lot more out of it than she would have at the more usual time. (And she ACED it.) I think what you're doing is fantastic and: what a great mom your boy has!
@heyits Yay, a grown up lady gynecologist!
I feel like the days when you went to college at 18 for four or six or eight years and then never again are over. Work and technology change so swiftly and we live so long now, we have to keep learning, even as we grow older. Let's never stop.
@heyits Good for you and good luck! I did something a little similar, and I will tell you it kind of sucked to sit in classes with kids who would shout "it's my 18th birthday! can you buy me beer?" but I think I got a lot more out of it because I was older and saw more value in the work then a lot of my peers did.
@heyits: I know this is a really really late reply but... I was in a postbac last year and it was the best thing I've ever done for myself. The thought of shelling out for another year of school that would be so difficult and challenging and a whole overturn of your life up until that point is SO daunting, but so rewarding when you're done with it.
And let me tell you that at 27 you DEFINITELY will not be the oldest person there! Congrats on making the decision. Have an amazing weekend, I hope I see you around here again to see how your studies are going!
I think 2 is the ideal! The problem is for me, not responding to texts feels so rude! So not responding means summoning every last shred of will power to channel Super Ice Queen Heartlessness toward myself.
3. is not ideal because if you really didn't give a fuck, you just wouldn't respond
4. same as above
1. same as above
As well, I feel that your example of subtly implied sexytimes is actually more like punch in the face explicitly stated sexy times, so maybe just his presence at your place at all, would be the more subtle implication?
please note my usual disclaimer: I completely disregard all of my own advice on a regular basis :D
@redheadedandcrazy HAHA "do as I say, not as I do" is a given in any advice-giving scenario I am ever in.
@redheadedandcrazy
I think it'd be best if we immediately deleted the text that the guy sent us. Like maybe write it down to lol about it with friends, but definitely get it out of our phone-temple.
The thing now is, he lead me on big time, actin' all fancy romancy because he can't control his huge feelings about me, and now he thinks we're gonna go back to being friends??!
"Sorry I didn't respond, buddy, I was too busy nailing *Guy You Envy*, can't get enough of his huge *Thing You Ain't Got*. Ironically, he can pull off a FWB relationship with respect and friendship. How's the hair?"
But no, I think you are probably right.
@Inkcrafter Immediate deletion really is the key.
Also, internet speculation about what you WOULD say definitely helps as well.
Oh! I'm also really excited because I got my Pinpal's address today! And a job interview on Tuesday. Hooray for good things!
@meetapossum please elaborate about this "pinpal" concept you speak of!
@meetapossum It was created by @The Lady of Shalott here earlier this week. It might be to late to sign up, but maybe not? Send her an e-mail!
@contrary Erm, clearly meant to reply to you, and not myself.
@meetapossum thank you! I missed this!
I have been feeling really really terrible, as in barely able to get out of bed and crying all day kind of terrible. And I have also been watching Felicity while doing this and have been thinking "you know, her haircut didn't really look as bad as I remember it... Maybe I should cut off all my curly curly hair like Felicity?" And then I have to remind myself that every single hair decision I have ever made while feeling terrible were monumental mistakes.
In other news, I am trying really hard to feel less terrible, so I am starting to work on making my own comic! Doing things and making things is good.
@teebs Do and make lots of things! And go for walks, weather permitting. I found that it helps. And remember that Hairpin is here for you. Read Hairpin every time you feel the tears coming on.
@teebs
Curly, curly hair is wonderful, and you can always cut it later.
Sometimes staying inside can make one even more depressed. Quick shower, quick walk?
Excited to hear about your comic. More news soon, please!
@Rookie oh my gosh walks are the best and it doesn't even have to be weather permitting.
@teebs i want to recommend smoking a bowl and going for a walk, but some people's solutions *cough* *hack* *lung cancer* don't work for everyone, but anyway i love curly hair too. long curly hair or like, a bit longer than chin length, or you know, whatever.
i also second the desire to hear more news about comic :)
@redheadedandcrazy Walks in the rain or snow can be amazing!
I think I might be getting Mean Girls-ed. It SUCKS. The only solution I can come up with is to go all Cady Heron on my Regina George. Would that work? I won't let her get hit by a bus, probably.
Also I am so tired that today I thought I was getting sick, and I didn't even feel like pretending to make plans, so I came home and I'm watching basketball (and maybe texting a boy that I'm friends with but you wouldn't always know it judging from our texts)
@Rookie I'm getting Mean Boys-ed. It's exhausting.
I for one would skip straight to the bus, I mean that's the part where she learned her lesson RIGHT?
@Rookie
Give us deets! We can be your... er... whoever it is who laughs at ridiculously stupid people.
@Inkcrafter oh, geez. Okay, you all can be my Damien and my whatever Lizzy Caplan's character was named (I forget).
Basically, whoever it was on here that told me I should cut off all ties with the ex was right. I haven't spoken to him, but out of politeness I haven't unfollowed or unfriended him, and as a result I get to see tweets from both him and his new, erm, paramour (let's call her a paramour because it's nicer than other words), a girl who is supposed to be my friend (Regina George!), although I almost never heard from her while I dated him, and did not get any "Are you OK?" type of contact after he broke up with me, although she did write to him and they hung out and stuff (lots of details being left out here) but seriously nothing to me except for unsolicited arguments about my otherwise innocuous tweets. (Example: I congratulated a guy for donating blood, and she wrote us back judging us because gay men aren't allowed to give blood, so I guess no one else should? I don't know.)
Basically, she is like ALL OVER HIM when she sees me tweet things these days, and I haven't heard from a couple of our other mutual friends in a while?
Also, I don't know the policy on these things, but a "I would like to bang your ex-boy" seems like the correct etiquette, no?
Whatever, I'mma go join the mathletes now.
@Rookie Ugh. She's being awful. Unfollow. Unfriend. Out of your face is out of your thoughts. You don't need either one of them's bullshit right now.
@wharrgarbl I think that's what I need to do. But knowing this girl (and, as far as I can tell, seeing how my ex-boy is basically pandering to her every whim) I'd probably be asking for more venom if she ever finds out.
I'd try to be a big person about this and speak to one of them to tell them that they're being ridiculous, but I've said all of five words to him since the breakup (and there was a major lack of communication at the end of the relationship anyway), and my "friendship" with her never really involved having, like, REAL conversations anyway, so... yeah. I just hate this and I want my friends back.
@Rookie Honestly, it sounds like she's trying to get under your skin. Like, maybe she's one of those horrible people who thinks happiness is a zero-sum game, so the more upset you are, the happier she'll be? You'd be better qualified to judge that pattern than The Internet, but I'm guessing you're in for more of her toxic spew no matter what you do, 'cuz the drama generated from just being with this guy is eventually going to fade. You might as well just pull the bandaid off and not have to put up with the weeks of bullshit between now and her getting too offensive to deal with.
If there's specific people you're missing, reach out to them. Invite them over for dinner or out for drinks or to a movie--whatever works for you and won't set up the automatic expectation of this girl and your ex-boy attending. If they dodge you on a couple of invites, as much as it sucks, you're probably better off just writing them out for a while. If it's any comfort, it sounds like hanging with this girl instead of you will work out as its own punishment for their perfidity. People who get on twitter to be all "In ur favorite coffee bar, makin' out with ur ex!" are usually not the best at nurturing stable, healthy relationships.
@wharrgarbl I sorta-love you for being spot-on about this. I mentioned earlier that I was leaving out a lot of details, and I'll say that I'm no saint but she is a huge drama queen. Ugh. I want to say so many awful things about her, but it won't help anyone any, so I won't.
I just signed up for Tweetdeck and filtered out their tweets so that I don't have to see them but also don't give either of them the satisfaction of badmouthing me for unfollowing.
But basically, you're telling me that a passive-aggressive Twitter account told from the perspective of your ex's new girl (who is a total lady-juicebox), and eventually becomes as popular as Shit Girls Say, is a bad idea?
@Rookie Well, when it comes to drama, I guess go big (Shit Regina George Says) or go home. But that comes with the caveat that if you don't actually get off on drama, and you're up against someone who basks in its glow at every opportunity, it's kind of like trying to drown a mermaid. You're just going to wear yourself out trying, and you'll still have the walk home in wet shoes after it's over.
@wharrgarbl You are wise. Like Dumbledore.
I'm pretty sure that any reaction that I have to this situation is unhealthy for me, so... whatever, I'm just going to keep quoting Mean Girls to myself, even when Regina replies to my tweets in a non-wanting to cause drama kind of way. (No, I didn't write her back. And I don't care. She once bitched because someone we know was kind of worried that he hadn't kept up regular contact with him and she got all like "Whatever, is he insecure that I hate him because we haven't talked?" so... yeah. Same shit, Regina.)
@wharrgarbl Went through my emails to find this thread because I didn't want to wait until next Friday to say I finally unfollowed both of them (sure, it was prompted by the ex-boy unfollowing me, but whatever, I took it as A Sign) and that is that. Done. Bye. This Cady Heron's done. The limit DOES exist.
@Rookie
Fuck yeah you did. Double thumbs up and raspberry chocolate ripple icecream for you, valuable and interesting person.
@Rookie hi5 to you, lady. Sweep that nonsense right out of your feed.
@wharrgarbl @Inkcrafter Thank you, both of you. I accept your hi5 and ice creams, because it feels really good so far. <3 u, Hairpin.
Anyone remember a few weeks ago when we were talking about George Harrison for some reason? Someone tweeted this and it is very nice.
Have I been dumped? Sorry for how long this is going to be.
The boyfriend got irrationally mad at me on tuesday night while I was trying to make plans to go out with him, and he wasn't being helpful. He spazed out, told me we were over and signed out of messenger. I sat there shocked... left the room... I came back like 20 minutes to see a message from him asking if i wanted to go run an errand with him, but he was already gone.
Wednesday we went to the movie.. i told him that it wasn't appropriate for him to say we were breaking up just because he was mad at me. He agreed and apologized (something he never does) All good... no.. i tried to kiss him, he turned away. He got in a pissy mood for the rest of the night and wouldn't even kiss me goodnight when he dropped me off. However, an hour later he texted me "goodnight :)" which is kind of a big deal cause he knows how much I love when he texts me goodnight.
Thursday, I message him in messenger.. he tells me I'm bothering him.. i tell him I don't know what's going on with him being nice one minute then a jerk the next. He starts yelling about some new glaucoma eye drops he's taking. We chat a little bit, but not much.
Today I message him to ask him about his bottle of vodka that he hates, and tell him i just found out gummy bears can soak up vodka.. does he want to try that.. I didn't get much of anything out of him, and when I say "you know, if you don't want to chat online much anymore that's fine, probably good, but when we do, can you try not to seem mad?" he told me he was going to bed... he's not going to bed at 9pm.
The only thing I know for sure is he's not cheating on me. It took 4 months for me to get my first kiss from him, and until this week, we just spent way too much time together for there to be anyone else.
We've been together for a year and a half.
What the what? Am i dumped?
@out of order This is the hardest thing to do in the world, but tell him when he's ready to talk about what's going on with him, you'll listen, then walk away (at least for now)--no goodnight texts, no errands, no IM. If you let him jerk you around like, he will.
@out of order ugh but A Lady JUST said how we shouldn't tell a friend their bf seems like a juicebox.
i think a lot of people here have experienced some mad emotional manipulation in their past relationships, and would recognize symptoms of that in the experiences you describe. if somebody is treating you in a way that makes you feel uncertain or insecure, you deserve better.
(how'd I do A Lady?)
Also, if you haven't read this article and the comments below, i highly recommend!
@out of order Unfortunately, it is impossible to tell whether you are dumped, because he is being terrible. However, you are definitely being jerked around. I second laurel in saying you should tell him, "Listen, I cannot understand what you want or need from me from the way you're acting the last couple days. When you think you know what that is and feel ready to talk about it, let me know!" and see what he does.
If he continues to pull this bullshee, tell him you're sorry, because you've really enjoyed the time you've spent together, but you don't have the time or energy for this, even though he is great, so unfortunately you guys will not be dating anymore. But you wish him luck!
I know that last paragraph sounded really flip for a 1.5 year relationship, and I get that that seems way harsh, Tai. But the fact is, he's being way harsh to you, and the best thing you can do is stop letting him do it. How he feels about it is his problem--he obviously didn't care enough about Both Sides of the Coin to not do it to you, amirite?!
You deserve better! Really. I can tell just from this post. I promise.
@out of order Also, in the interim, eliminate the messaging and the texting and try to only communicate with him in ways where you can get a better read on him (phone, in-person). It sounds like all the nonverbal communication is just making this more confusing to you (the old problem of conveying tone on the internet), so stick to a medium where you can get a clear read on juicebox/non-juicebox behaivor.
@out of order Man, that is crazy immature and you have to tell him that is NOT OK.
@laurel @redheadedandcrazy @miwome
I read your comments last night and cried. I read that article (i don't know how I missed it at the begining of the year) and cried. It sucks so much when your brain is constantly talking you into and out of courses of action.
@out of order I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope you can find some sort of resolution, with him or without him. But--I know this is going to sound really callous--sometimes, a relationship is like a sweater you're trying on. If you can't decide whether to keep it or not and you keep going back and forth on whether it's doing you justice, it's almost certainly a no. Leave it in the store and find a cardigan for the long haul, you know?
At least, that's my philosophy. I am not trying to tell you what to do! Hugs.
@out of order aw girl I'm sorry :( i hope my comment wasn't too harsh. *hugs*
@redheadedandcrazy Wasn't too harsh, it was all too true. I feel like I'm having to choose between two jail terms.
If I put up with this, it would be like life in a nice minimum security jail, where we get to go outside and play with bunnies, but where I randomly get beatings (emotional, just so we are clear).
And if I end it, since I'm feeling old and unwanted, I feel like I'd be picking life in solitary confinement but with the slight chance of parole
@out of order hey, chin up! it'll be OK whatever u decide. Is this new behavior on his part? Or is this how its always kinda been? I've learned in life that people who make you feel that pukey question mark in the pit of your stomach about how much you matter to them aren't people worth dating, and giving to, even if they are OK people and you really like them and really get on in other ways. Someone who is your real partner doesn't leave you wondering where you stand fundamentally, and doesn't cause the pukey questionmark *on the regular*. (NB though, dating and loving other people inevitably demands this feeling SOME times. Just not, A LOT of the time, on the regualar. IMHO.)
I know the feeling you are having. Stay with him and its kinda OK and theres lotsa good bits, and after all, he's not a MONSTER. Or leave him and be open to the new. Only you know whats right for you right now --- but it sounds like you're being down on yourself and the possibility of a new path. You shouldn't be. Love and life and the world are super super big and spacious. That's scary, and awesome.
@out of order I don't know if you're dumped... but I feel like HE should be dumped. By you. Because what he is doing now is making you upset, and that seems to be at least part of the goal.
:(
I hope he shapes up soon. *hugs*
@out of order *hugs* If you're this wound up over his terribleness, you really should take a break. Make it clear to him that, whatever his deal is right now, it is Not Okay to take it out on you. Block him on IM, block his texts. Tell him to call you when he's got his shit together and is ready to stop throwing tantrums at you and has decided to treat you like he loves you. It's entirely possible that he might actually stop with the assholery.
Being alone's really not the worst thing in the world, though. It's for-sure better than having every other day randomly suck because some immature boy decided to have a juice-eruption all over it.
Which is, of course, assuming you do wind up alone without wanting to be alone, which isn't too terribly likely! But for sure, the best way to get to your ideal, no-nonsense, totes-awesome dude/lady is to not settle for dudes/ladies who truck in nonsense and terribleness on the turn of a dime.
@wharrgarbl "Juice explosion all over it" D:
@miwome Juiceruption? Juicesplosion? Juicepoplectic fit?
@wharrgarbl "Juicepoplectic" is great! What about he had a juiceizure?
@miwome Sole owner and proprietor of the city's finest juicey-go-round. Ringleader of the juice-circus.
Ordinarily I would think a couple of shitty days are not going to make or break a couple, but this guy's hammering on the "be a huge jackass, do something especially nice to avoid the full consequences of previous jackassery" trick like a dog who's just figured out that sitting and raising a paw will net it two biscuits instead of one. It is a very bad sign.
@wharrgarbl I agree that a couple days vs. a pattern makes a huge difference. @out of order You didn't say, "this is totally out of character for him" or anything, which seems like a veeery bad sign, and the fact that a tiny gesture of caring like texting "goodnight" is "a big deal" makes me sad for what the standard in the relationship might be (although of course people have different styles, &c).
Juicelord? Juicecanoe? Immersion juicer? Operator of a juicecade.
@miwome I mean, did he even offer an accounting why he thought it was okay to tantrum-dump someone and less than half an hour later ask the tantrum-dumpee to run an errand with the tantrum-dumper without apology or explanation? Because that sounds like something you'd have to be a fully-licensed and -bonded Juicemobile driver to do.
@wharrgarbl plus "and he agreed and apologized (something he never does)"
sets off, i dunno, panicked sympathetic heartsickness for me
@wharrgarbl I know, right? RUN AN ERRAND? I would expect, oh, "Hey, want to come over so I can cuddle you and explain myself?" or, "Hey, could I maybe come over to your house with whiskey and explain myself and beg for forgiveness?" Not, like, "Yo, come to the drugstore with me so I don't get too bored haha." But it must be hard when you keep riding around on your Juicecycle and you can't get off and take a Juicewalk.
@out of order I hope we're not torturing you! At this point we are just having fun with juicewords for juides. (Juicedudes, you get me?)
@redheadedandcrazy I know, right? Stingy with physical affection, stingy with earned apologies, stingy with good-night texts...it sounds like this guy is just turning up the juicebox-to-good ratio instead of testing the waters of the Juice Sea. Stop being horrible to your girlfriends, juiceboxes.
@miwome @wharrgarbl
He's emotionally stunted and a poor communicator. He's 35 and I'm his first girlfriend.
What's happening right now is not normal. We've had 4 fights over the past year and a half. There was a recent A Dude where the letter writter said that it was great 90% of the time, and sucky 10% of the time. I kinda feel like that.
He does some really nice things for me... the goodnight thing just falls into my own nerosis which he doesn't feed too often. So it's not like i'm all "OMG.. he said goodnight to me, he's a wonderful man" I kinda viewed it more as "aww, he texted me goodnight, he knows he screwed up"
All that said... I know he's borderline Juiceboxian. But I think it's based on his inability to interact properly, so I feel bad holding it against him. I feel like it would be giving up on a relationship with a colour blind man b/c he couldn't appreciate my paintings.
@out of order Well, only you can know to what degree it's worth it. (If you feel like talking about this further) Has he shown willingness to work on the communication issues? Because if you guys are going to have the same fight, basically, every three months, in which he can't even tell you why he's mad or whether he's mad or what he wants to do about it, I feel like after a while...oy.
@miwome
oy indeed.
@out of order It sounds more like giving up on a relationship with a colorblind man who won't even come to your gallery openings to support you because he won't get anything out of it. And, to be super-clear, there is no excuse on the planet that makes taking your bullshit out on someone you profess to love an okay thing to do. Your baggage is your baggage, but once it starts falling on other people, it's their problem, too, y'know? There's no way for him to have all these problems without them being your problems, too, if you're with him.
I mean, emotionally-stunted and poor-communicating are traits that can, for most people, be improved on. It might be way harder for one person than another to grow up or stop and really think about how they're coming off or affecting other people. But it's a rare bird who can't, with time, effort, and maybe some qualified professional guidance, get better at those things.
My guess would be that where he's at now is not where he could be if he applied himself and stopped taking you for granted on one level or another. Like, does the thought of you leaving make him want to put in the work to be the sort of partner you deserve, or does the thought of you leaving just make him step off the juice just enough to keep you around?
@wharrgarbl This here, exactly. You don't get to endlessly take out your crap on people, no matter how hard a row you had to hoe.
In the house where I grew up, my parents didn't not let the other kid have sweets because I was diabetic, just like she didn't not serve salad because it upset him when people ate lettuce in his presence (I know... long story).
AND, everyone was expected to be at the dinner table together as a family.
Point is... we all have our Thing, but we have to make our Thing fit so we can be in relationship with other people. That's what human community is for.
:(
*hugs*
@PistolPackinMama @wharrgarbl @wimome @redheadedandcrazy
Thank you EVERYONE for being my support group this weekend. I can't even express how wonderful you are to embrace me when I needed it.
As a conclusion, for now, he took me out last night and apologized hard and good. I know that doesn't make it better, but it helps.
We talked about why it happened and he doesn't really know. He said he was a horrible person, I said he wasn't horrible, that he was just a really bad communicator, and he agreed. We agreed that next time he gets irrationally mad he'll try to give me the heads up that's what's happening.
Anyway, thank you so much. Your strength helped me to call him out for his juicebox behaviour and not just assume that things will get better next time without effort.
YOU GUYS I am anguished over this. I thought I posted this hours ago and I guess I never hit "post" or something? SO SAD. Anyway, apparently Simon Cowell and the Pinkett-Smiths (mostly Jada) are collaborating on a reality show Search for the World's Best DJ. IT'S AMERICAN IDOL FOR DJs, you guys, will somebody PLEASE hatewatch this with me? Please?!
I know nobody will read this now, but I felt like it at least deserved the light of day before I buried it with other untapped potential. SOB.
@miwome Did it disappear? I had a pretty innocuous post disappear from a thread a while back - it still appeared in my comment stream when you clicked my username, but it had been banished from the thread. The haunted house ghosts might be stealing our comments.
@HeyThatsMyBike Darn those ghosts! Maybe we should call Scooby-Doo and the gang.
@miwome To the Mystery Machine!
You guys, I know this open thread is pretty dead, but hopefully some of you guys that are still around can give me some advice?
There is dude in medical school that is constantly being a jerk to me for seemingly no reason. Avoiding him is impossible because somehow we are in the same recitation section for every class we have - meaning I end up spending 10 hours a week with this guy in 1:1 or 1:3 situations. His petty digs started out small (telling me that I don't know when to stop talking, talking over me) and then escalated into him refusing to be my partner for a head/ears/eyes/nose/throat practice patient exam. The refusing to be my partner thing ended up being super humiliating because the professors and other students got involved, and it ended up being a big production ending with the professor forcing this guy to work with me "because you have to work with all kinds of patients". I guess my awfulness has reached the point where working with me for 20 damn minutes is a "teachable moment"? Blerg.
Anyways, yesterday this guy splashed embalming fluid on my face (and didn't apologize!) and today I overheard him saying really mean things about me to other people in our year. I am kind of at the end of my rope, and my previous strategy of just ignoring him doesn't seem to be working.
Anyways, do you guys have any advice? I am worried that my professors will think less of me for complaining about his behavior because I am a young woman (and bitches always be complaining about bros being bros, am I right?).
@kitkat88 Maybe talk to him and say if he doesn't like you fine, whatever, but ask him to stop doing these things in front of professors? It sucks that he has an irrational dislike of you and basically is being an ginormous juicebox terrible asshole, but sometimes people are shitheads, and he has no drag you through the mud in front of your superiors just because of his shitheadedness.
@kitkat88 Yikes. What a juicebox. I don't have any good advice but this is such a bad situation that I'll try.
Talk to him directly. Think of what you want to say and how you're going to say it beforehand. Maybe practice a bit. Think of how he's probably going to react and decide how you're going to react to his reactions (he's probably going to be an asshole as usual, so, think of some responses to the asshole-y things he might say).
Do you have a professor who you consider a mentor or who you've gone to for advice? I wouldn't go to a professor who you don't have a previously established relationship with, because they probably would see it as not being their problem.
Perhaps you could talk to the professor of the class where he refused to be your partner, especially if another similar situation crops up again. Like, after the class, you could say "Professor, that situation today was very uncomfortable for me and, as you've seen, I'm having a very difficult time in my interactions with this person." And you could see if the prof has any recommendations or suggestions for you.
Anyway, I expect that his behaviour reflects a lot more poorly on him than it does on you. If you find yourself in a situation where you think "this dude just made me look like an idiot" for whatever reason, I would speak to the professor privately to explain (without being accusatory of the dude, because that could backfire somehow).
@kitkat88 There used to be a website that allowed you to anonymously send poop to someone through the mail, but since that got shut down for being illegal, I'd say either approach him directly or go the mentor route (if that person isn't going to think less of you for bringing it up). The other way to try to figure out how to approach him and what to say is to talk to some of your classmates who were in the group that heard him talking you down. They may have insight into *why* he illogically hates you, which gives you something to go on in having a direct conversation with him.
I don't expect that you confronting him will make it any better given that this person is clearly a child, but at least he'll know you have a backbone, and you may be able to disconnect a bit more knowing that you've tried. And, if you use the med school gossip mill to your favor, you can spread the word that you've spoken to him about his behavior, and then anything else he says/does to cut you down will, as @rasko says, make him look like even more of an asshole.
@kitkat88 I am so sorry this is happening to you. Do you have an idea of what HE thinks the problem is? Or is this really out of nowhere badness that has no explanation in his head?
I would honestly feel fine, myself, about being very, very direct. "Little Johnny Would-Be Doctor, what you just did/said is totally inappropriate and it needs to stop *now.*"
"That comment/action/snitfit you threw is totally unprofessional. You need to cut it out."
"Is there are particular reason you think it's okay to treat me really poorly, or is it just arbitrary? Either way, we're colleagues, not mortal enemies, and I have no interest in this situation escalating. So, either ignore me, or work collegially with me, but quit trying to harsh my mellow and antagonize me, because I am done with it."
If things don't improve, you can go to the director of studies for your year, or even a dean, and discuss how his unprofessional behavior is affecting you. I would especially do this if he is endangering your safety or your professional opportunities.
When the other students got involved, did you have a feeling for how they viewed the situation? I am guessing they know he is a juicebox, but you don't sound like you have a connection with anyone in your year?
:(
You shouldn't have to put up with this.
Also... embalming fluid splashing... WHAT??? How does someone accidentally splash another person with embalming fluid? Because if it wasn't accidental, it's ASSAULT.
@PistolPackinMama "I would honestly feel fine, myself, about being very, very direct. "Little Johnny Would-Be Doctor, what you just did/said is totally inappropriate and it needs to stop *now.*"
"That comment/action/snitfit you threw is totally unprofessional. You need to cut it out.""
Saying this kind of shit, especially in front of other people, would make me feel so AWESOME. it's such a cool, calm, reasoned and totally reasonable response.
and if somebody said that to me, especially in front of other people, I would be so ashamed of my behaviour!
@redheadedandcrazy Public shaming can be a quick route to a satisfactory end. People think they are allowed because they aren't challenged when they should be.
Also? If I were hearing that stuff from a classmate about a colleaue, I'd do the same. Poisonous work environments ARE NOT OK.
@PistolPackinMama Thank you so much for your advice! I wrote down "What you just did/said is totally inappropriate and it needs to stop now" on an index card, and I am practicing it so that I can say it calmly when the time comes!
It is really weird how much he hates me, because he started being a jerk to me immediately after we were introduced. I have seen him do stuff like this to other women in our class too, so he might just have a problem with women?
@HeyThatsMyBike Now I am sad that this mail poop thing doesn't exist! I think you are right about confronting him - I think showing him that I have a backbone will make me feel a lot better about the situation. He is being a child, and there is no way in heck I am letting a man-child mess up my career!
@kitkat88 <3 u, @kitkat88-ie
It sure sounds like this juicebox has problems with women. And I would bet money that smart, competent, confident women scare him, so he's mean to them. And less assertive women give off I AM A TARGET vibe, so he's mean to them, too.
The world does not need misogynist doctors!
And... can I just say... the more you write about him, the more my alarms are just going off-off-off-off. Agh! He's acting like an abuser!
Practicing is a good idea! In the shower, to your best friend, on the phone with your mom. Whatever. It helps to have the words be part of your muscle memory- sometimes they'll just come out of your mouth without your thinking about it too much. It's like throwing cold water on the interaction- just stops the whole thing in its tracks.
Also, you might consider the wisdom of documenting the stuff he says/does, in an email to yourself so it's time-stamped. Just in case it ever needs to go outside an interpersonal interaction.
Lastly... I am terrible with eye contact. Usually I get my point across because I am verbally quite direct and can be so blunt as to be a talking baseball bat. But in this case, if it were me, I would practice not only saying "stop that" I would practice a Serious Stone Cold Stare.
HIM: Inappropriate Comment
YOU: *stare* listen to me *pause, stare* that? Was completely out of line and you need to stop it. *pause stare* now and in the future *intimidating cock of eyebrow* ... *break eye contact* Now... where were we with wiping up the spilled embalming fluid? Can you hand me that microfiber cloth.
Good luck! I'll be thinking about you this week!
@kitkat88 If none of the above works (hopefully all the above will work), most schools' harassment policies will cover what this juicebox is pulling. At least on paper, students don't have to put up with this sort of bullying from other students in fucking medical school. You should be able to contact an ombudsman or file a complaint with someone if it continues and your professor and/or department chair refuse to do anything about it.
@all It seems impossible to me that any responsible med school wouldn't give this guy a serious "shape up right fucking NOW" talk/punishment, and kick him out if he didn't. Med schools can't have graduating psycho doctors on their consciences/reps, right? I am honestly terrified of the thought of this guy as a doctor, especially if he doesn't specify in some male-only field like prostate cancer or, I don't know, I'm a lady.
I am absolutely in favor of you confronting him, for your own self-esteem and peace of mind if nothing else! But above and beyond that, absolutely document every piece of shit he pulls on you, and inform your superiors/mentors/whatever you got. He is way past the point of "hazing" or whatever someone might want to excuse it as. (That someone is an idiot.)
You said you've seen him treat other women badly; maybe try to talk with them and organize among yourselves? First of all, having a group to commiserate with will probably relieve a lot of stress over the situation, and when you guys have built up a body of evidence (which will happen much faster with the group of you working together), going to the authorities as an Army of Outrage will be pretty hard for them to brush off, if they were so inclined.
Good luck! Let us know how your campaign of destruction goes.
O PS if you and your team (aka army of outrage) wanted to choreograph a dance number to Twisted Sister's "We're Not Going To Take It" and hack his computer so the video played over and over nonstop, and also maybe post it here, I would support you in that. Bonus for a reaction shot of his stupid embalmed juiceface.
Sorry about all of those "Deleted by users." Stupid Megabus internet. Stupid lady sitting next to me with no sense of personal space. :-/
sigh. decided yesterday/today that i need to put some friendships on hold because my friendship is clearly making things complicated for people. and that in turn is leading to behaviour that is hurting me. feel sad.
therefore, my goal for the next 6 months: make new friends!
any tips? :\
@redheadedandcrazy
Seriously, how do people make friends and have a bunch of them, who all like hanging out together? I feel like I have three--my roommate (cop-out), my sister (bigger cop-out), and the dude I'm having sex with (genuine but doesn't hang out with the other two). I also got friend-dumped twice this year! Can we talk about getting friend dumped? Let's.
I'm still in college, and I always try to make a friend in every (HAH NEVER WORKS) class. But seriously, sometimes I try to engage a person and they just stare and then I have to figure out a new place to sit.
But, desperation prevails: I made a friend in my poetry classes, and she invited me over last night, so maybe that's something!
@Inkcrafter I also had a hard time making friends in class for some reason, despite being a relatively normal and social person! I would always make "in class" friends, and we'd have a good time and become FB buddies and all that. I'd think I was about to expand my social circle and be all happy about it, then I'd find out that the other people in class already were hanging out and already became real-life friends! I mean, plenty of times, those people just had more in common, but it is still frustrating.
@redheadedandcrazy
Good goal. Same as mine, except I'm not replacing old friends, I'm getting some! Who are all these people that have tons of besties from all periods of their lives? I'm just not very good at it I guess. I HATE talking on the phone or calling anyone I'm not really close with. I'm making a little progress recently. But at my age, making new friends seriously feels like dating. "Well, she seems nice but who knows? I guess we'll have to go out and spend time together. But what if she is crazy and stalks me? What if she dumps me?"
@elizabethfga I have a couple besties from major life stages (high school, college, my roommate how which doesn't count) and "friends" that aren't technically MY friends, since I only hang out with them when a good friend brings them along, but not much in between. I've never been the type to have 10 sometimes-friends to call up casually for plans or use an excuse to visit a city they just moved to. THOSE I would like to find more of!
@redheadedandcrazy I win people over with weird gum flavours and peanut butter cups.
@redheadedandcrazy I am horrible about making friends. But it's partly because most of the people that I know here are like, babies, and live at home with their parents still, and it makes me feel so old. PLuys I have a doggy so I can't really do like, spontaneous parties cuz I have to make sure he's taken care of before I go anywhere (not that I regret having my dog).
my main problem is that i'm really shy. like if somebody starts a conversation with me, i'm pretty extroverted and chatty, and i am good at making plans with people, and going out to things where i don't know a lot of people, but i have a LOT of trouble starting up a conversation
i dunno maybe i just overthink it (i definitely overthink it)
@redheadedandcrazy I have the opposite problem... I can start talking to someone no problem, but I always fizzle quickly and don't know how to keep it going.
I don't have any advice really, I made friends in law school, but they are now all on the other side of the country and I am back in my home town with the same ... really 1 friend since grade 8 that I've managed to hold onto.
I'm going to need friends if I'm going to be single soon.
@out of order I just have no people skills whatsoever yaaaay!
@redheadedandcrazy @outoforder Guysssss... you are so young! Stop bumming me out already with your worries about having friends in life. Pin ups. Volunteering (for charities or groups with opinions you like). Following up with that person you met at the at wedding or whatever that you liked and said you wanted to have coffee with but never really did. You can do it! Just follow through on different plans, and you will be flush with people to hang with in no time.
@HeyThatsMyBike It's true! Actually following up on those "we should do something sometime yeah" thingies can work out and make you actual real friends! It works for me, whenever I decide to do it. And sometimes they don't work out, but hey, you had more stuff on your calendar for the week, which always makes me feel less useless and more productive/virtuous.
GARGH. What do you do when your brain is being dumb despite you knowing that it's being dumb?? For example, the times you feel (and would have sworn you looked) disappointingly fatter than usual at X weight, but now that your weight is X-minus-four-pounds, you suddenly feel (and would swear you look) so much more fit and less fat, and you're super happy about it? Even though it could mostly be accounted for by water weight and time of day? And that no one will notice, and even if they did, who fucking cares?
I HATE THAT.
@cassandra.sandra.dee i think you're being way too hard on yourself! if losing some weight makes you feel happier, it's okay to feel happy about that.
plus, you're definitely allowed to be happy if you feel more fit! improved fitness (totally dissociated from anything to do with weight or body image or anything) is a Good Thing :)
@cassandra.sandra.dee Gurl, you lost 4 pounds. I don't care if it was your steak dinner that you "passed," 4 pounds of water weight, or 4 pounds of fat, but the point is that it is four pounds. Grounds for celebration! You're allowed to have a happy dance, fit girl!
Very important legging-related question:
I have a pair of black leggings that my mom bought for me last year from Banana Republic. They're amazing - soft, black, opaque, not baggy around the knee, long enough for me to pull down over my ankles, not too tight at the top. They're basically everything I didn't know I wanted in a legging.
They're starting to get a bit pilled though, and it'd be nice to have more than one pair for laundry purposes. I took a quick look on the Banana website, and THEY DONT SEEM TO HAVE ANY. What?? Who said that was okay? NOT me. There are some on the Gap website, but I'm wondering if they would be the same luxurious quality.
So, question: does anyone know about Gap's leggings? Does anyone have any other suggestions for beautiful black leggings (available in non-Toronto-Canada)? Has anyone felt and loved these beautiful Banana leggings that are currently hugging my legs like they're in the early stages of a new relationship and never want to be apart?
@crookedlegs Maybe J. Crew? I know they only have a store in Toronto but I think they are shipping everywhere in Canada now.
@crookedlegs dynamiiiiiite are dynamite leggings available outside of toronto (i mean i know they are available in other cities)? my leggings from dynamite cost me $10 and i literally wear them every day and they are the comfiest and have lasted over a year and i get compliments on them
@crookedlegs these banana republic leggings sound amazing though!
@Megan Patterson@facebook Oooooh excellent point! And they have flat-rate shipping to Canada for $10, which sounds to me like a perfect excuse to order other items to make it "worth it". Logic! My favourite.
@redheadedandcrazy Dynamite! There's one in a mall here in Halifax and I haven't gone in for years. I will definitely check those out! Can't argue with $10.
@crookedlegs if you want some amazing leggings that will be all the things that your BR leggings are and PLUS they will not pill ever, get the wunder unders from lululemon. they are Investment Leggings, but you will have them for years and years and always love them and eventually forget how much you paid for them. Mine are four years old and i have done the following in them: marathon training, dancing, lounging, yoga-ing, wearing to work on casual day, wearing them as tights under hiking pants everysingleday during 12-day camping trip, surviving 10-hour flight...and they still look new with some minor pillage in the inner-thigh area.
@crookedlegs I have these really great leggings from Roots, of all place. Fleecy-soft on the inside and smooth on the outside so I can wear them with skirts in the winter. I don't know if these are them, but maybe?
Does anyone here have a MA in Art History? Would you recommend it?
Needing help with life decisions!
@sodette I don't, but I have several friends who do and I think it depends what you want to do with it. Like, I know about seven unemployed curators, but several employed gallery assistants and a few who are now do administration stuff in art schools or galleries.
I just have to say this to the world: my best friend unlocked and deleted all the locked texts on my phone (so I wouldn't have to reread 'em) from the ex and the one from his mom.
YES YES ALMOST FREE.
@Inkcrafter Hooray, your friend.
@wharrgarbl
Although I thought I'd be braver deleting them myself, it was super rewarding to hear him go through the texts.
"What? WHAT? What a FUCK this guy is! ...This one just says "Oh god I wrote a poem about it." Oh--how ELSE are you supposed to construe "I'd sure like to see ya"?! What a fuck. What a fuck."
@Inkcrafter Sometimes we feel braver doing things like that ourselves, sometimes we just wind up wallowing in pain we didn't need to go through. Plus, if you need another hit of re-affirmation, you could bake your friend a cake and put "Thank you for deleting all that fuck's texts" on it. He would probably shake his head and go "This cake is delicious, and also, my god, what a fuck that dude was."
"what a fuck"
summarizes my feelings about so many people
@wharrgarbl
Dude LOVES food, and that sounds like exactly his reaction. That's a wonderful idea. Thanks! I'll have to do a sheet cake so I have enough room.
I want to cry, puke and poop all at the same time. Time for my period.
@squid v. whale When I had the stomach flu, I had a little spray bottle of tile cleaner and a roll of paper towels next to the toilet, and every time I threw up I sprayed the hell out of the whole room (we have a European-style bathroom, so it's just a toilet nook). True story. My gentleman was laughing at me.
I am sure no one is on this pretty much dead thread. But if you are on this thread... can I just say two weird propositions online today have slayed my spirit when it comes to dating. I am going to concentrate on learning to run, curating a fabulous shoe collection, and mastering a gel eyeliner because I am pretty much done for now. Which is a pity, because dating is fun. But not fun enough to deal with the other stuff. :(
@PistolPackinMama Well now I want to know what the weird propositions were!
@Megan Patterson@facebook
Um, one was
HE: You have a cute nose.
SHE: Thanks.
HE: What are you doing today?
SHE: Summiting Mount Washmore... I need to do laundry.
HE: Wanna summit something else *wink wink*
SHE: Uh, no, thanks all the same.
--- on reading, that's just your standard not very subtle dude-message, but boy he went from Innocent Nose Comment to Let's Fuck in about thirty seconds---
And the other one was a mix of hah-hah those kids and their sexting comments; references to what I think is some kind of sex practice, but Urban Dictionary wasn't being helpful there; mundane queries about the weather; and a poor choice of icon that looks like a cross between V for Vendetta and folk puppets.
Also... do *you* know what "blading" is? Urban dictionary says it's a wrestling term?
Gel eyeliner, baby. It's where it's at.
@Megan Patterson@facebook AND ANOTHER THING!
I have a thing about hiding guy's profiles who are snotfaces about HWP issues. It clearly is a thing that pisses me off and I am just warning people off the issue and my profile if it is their issue.
SO.
What the fuck is it with the casual conversation questions about "what are HWP issues?" I have a standard cut and paste, which is very salty, about how fake science euphemisms for "I don't date fat chicks" are past stupid and well into the world of contemptible.
People don't usually write back after I send that note, which is fine with me. Partially, because that shit pisses me off. But also because I spend my days with people who don't have the initiative or curiosity to LOOK IT UP JEEZ and I would like to avoid that in my free time. But also because it's pretty easy to intuit that of all the things that you could talk to me about, avoid that one, and using intuition is also good.
*blah* The dating aspect of humanity is no longer a source of delight and adventure any more. I would rather have new shoes.
@PistolPackinMama Blading? Nooo. I'll bet he just made it up to sound hip.
Also all that is pretty bad, but not as weird as I was expecting. I'm pretty sure 30 seconds is standard dude time for propositioning.
@Megan Patterson@facebook V for Vendetta just used a quote from Hamlet (SHAKESPEARE'S LONGEST PLAY) in an email where he tells me I am too verbose.
Um.
Specifically he said "the lady doth protest too much" as if quoting the Bard somehow makes what you have to say The Gospel Truth. And also, the fastest way to piss me off is to tell me I don't mean what I say, when I say it.
If you don't take my answer for an answer when it's trivial, how do I know you will take NO for my answer when it's actually a NO?
Aaaaand finally, another dude emailed, whose profile is basically soliciting someone for diaper play. Which is in itself completely neutral, since sexytimes preferences are sexytimes preferences and whatever. But no, that's not really my thing. So.
GEL EYELINER.
@PistolPackinMama Sheesh what site is this?
@Megan Patterson@facebook OKC, the great internet fishing weir, against which the treasures and terrifying scraps of life's flotsam and jetsam get caught.
@PistolPackinMama Off of which drunk dudes taking a leak will fall and then drown and then be snorted over by the cops called to haul out their corpses because come on, guys, have some dignity.
@PistolPackinMama Tell me he at least didn't say "though she be but little, she is fierce" because then you might need to punch him through the screen.
@miwome Hah hah hahhhhhhh. No, thankfully not. Which is good because I am not little, even if I am fierce. I don't get the feeling he's actually much of an Early Modern drama reader anyway.
@wharrgarbl That's a pretty apt extension of the metaphor, I think. Juiceboxes. So many of them.
@PistolPackinMama: I really like the flavor and overall function of OKC - even after their purchase by Match they seem to keep a healthy autonomy. However, like, the entire idea of any dating website is to basically match people up. If you're not making those connections, you're not doing a good job (as a dating website), and this is where they basically all fail.
For a long time I've had ideas percolating in my mind about what would cut to the core of the experience, and get rid of all the static. If I had a site, my main attraction would be an extremely strict No BS policy via self policing; $10 lifetime membership, just once, but being crappy earns temp bans or getting kicked off the site very, very easily. Then, the offender can get back on with $10 if they want. Just a little money stops people from screwing around so much since they now have something at stake. This is all powered by the fact that almost everything you can do on the site can be rated by other people. Send a message? The recipient has a little thumbs up or thumbs down they can give. Stuff like that. I just think the experience can be so much better than it currently is.
@Too Much Internet I can see the appeal to a system like that. But I would worry that would turn out to be a bit Hottie-or-Nottie-ish. You know, like people would be thumbs downing Guy With A Thing for Diapering (or a thing for anal, or being fat, or whatever) because of a perfectly acceptable sexual thing, rather than for what I would call red flag behavior. Like, sexist or disrespectful language.
If web dating was like web Hairpinning, I would be on board, because 'Pinners are kind of awesome across the board, even if one doesn't want to kiss them. But since people are kind of juiceboxey, and we all have to look around in The Great Costco Aisles of Romance for dating partners, I dunno. What I am saying is, I am not sure I trust other people's judgment like I trust my own.
I want an Internet Yenta. Like, she could just set me up and I could show up after potential mates made it through Matchmaking Aunties Online and we could see how it goes. There could be musical numbers and everything!