"Don’t discuss bloomers with every man you know."
—Brain Pickings' Maria Popova discovered a delightful 1895 list of 41 "dont's" for female bicyclists, and it's instructive for non-riders, too (e.g. "Don't scream if you meet a cow," "Don't imagine everyone is looking at you," "Don't be a fright"). (Also found on Metafilter.)
Photo by Jessie Eldora Robertson, via Shutterstock
Oblig: http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=331
@Emby Velocipedestriennes! Velocipetedstriennes everywhere!
@Emby I came to the comments to make sure someone had posted that and, of course, it's the first thing. How I love you, hairpinners.
@Emby Omg i can't even. That is TOO MUCH. I will LOL for days and share with so many people.
Yeah girl.
•Don’t try to ride in your brother’s clothes “to see how it feels.”
My fave!! Wouldn't wanting you to discover the glorious freedom of pants! (says the person who just ripped a giant hole in her tights)
@redheadedtwit This is actually tremendous advice! Pants are shackles we put on ourselves!
Bicycle face reminds me of Oysterface. I miss Oysterface and wonder what became of him/her/it.
What does "Don’t scratch a match on the seat of your bloomers" even mean!??!?!
However, "Don’t contest the right of way with cable cars" was and continues to be good advice.
@gobblegirl Lighting a strike-anywhere match on the seat of your pants? Which strikes me as pretty sporty, so it's right out, right?
@gobblegirl. I wondered about that one myself. Surely it doesn't mean "Don't light a match by striking it on the seat of your bloomers," because if that is even possible everyone should do it ALL THE TIME.
@gobblegirl I think I know this one - matches used to be able to be struck and lit off anything (seem to remember people striking matches on the sides of their boots if they were tough?). I think it was a case of removing the covering off the head of a match, and then the match was flammable when exposed to oxygen? Today's matches are purposely lit using a different reaction. (Sorry, not really sciencey person and trying to see what I can remember without googling.) So I guess bloomers had a tougher material on the seat?
Unless you are just kind of scratching your bum with the match? In which case, definitely don't.
There is a strong obsession with bloomers in this list. Don't discuss them, wear garden hats with them, strike a match on them, or even ask someones opinion of them. First rule of bloomers is don't talk about bloomers.
Also, "Don't be a fright" is a rule we can all live by.
Can I help you up this hill?
"Don’t emulate your brother’s attitude if he rides parallel with the ground."
...What?
@a5ouncebird I read that to mean, don't be all peevish if your brother falls on his ass. Which is silly, because the natural and appropriate reaction there is to laugh.
@a5ouncebird I think "riding parallel with the ground" would be when you lean over to get some extra oomph on your pedals, so I believe it is telling the ladies not to try too hard. Which is obviously great advice, because we certainly don't want them to be too sporty!
@a5ouncebird I like to think it means don't fall like your brother. Brothers are jackasses. I say this as a brother whose sisters have taken this advice to heart. I fall all the time, they never seem to fall.
@gobblegirl I was thinking more superman. Stomach on the seat kind of thing.
@gobblegirl I recently took my very first spin class ever, and I feel like all we were doing was trying to ride as parallel as possible while trying harder. Also, word to the wise, you should talk to the instructor before your very first spin class to find out exactly how that bike contraption is supposed to be set up for your size. I failed at this, obviously.
@sox Spin class? I thought you had vertigo.
Because I am apparently focused on sexy times - for a minute, I thought exercise your jaws in private was instruction to give more head (in private)
@Beericle Jinx!
@Beericle: I was thinking kegels, but my brain is weird
"Don't chew gum. Exercise your jaws in private." I'll take Things That Sound Dirty But Probably Aren't for 600.
Also, "Don't without a needle, thread and thimble." Because you might accidentally the whole bicycle.
That is sporty. (New tag?)
I reserve the right to scream at cows until they come home.
"Don’t scream if you meet a cow. If she sees you first, she will run." I always scream when I see a cow. They're terrifying beasts.
@dtowngirl I dunno what kinda weak-ass cows they had back then, but never once has a cow run away from me on sight.
"Don't criticize people's 'legs,'" if that's what they're calling them these days.
What does "Don’t attempt a “century.”" even mean?
"Don't wear loud hued leggings." is my new favorite fashion faux pas to break.
@SheWhoReadsInSkirts not being a biker, I think in biker terms, it means a 100-mile ride?
@themegnapkin But wasn't everything at least that far away from everything else in 1895? What sort of bullshit advice is this list?
@SheWhoReadsInSkirts It's where you get your bike going really fast, then jump off the back wearing roller skates and hold onto the seat so your upright body looks like a 1 and the wheels of the bike look like zeroes. 100.
No, no it doesn't mean that at all, but I wish like hell it did.
@SheWhoReadsInSkirts but 100miles is soooooo far! If you can ride that far, then you're sporty, which must be avoided at all costs.
2000 miles is very far through the snow.
@SheWhoReadsInSkirts A century is a 100 mile ride. I've done two of them. They are fun and easy to do.
This was delightful. I now want to watch a show set in the late 1800s about a Sporty girl who breaks all these rules and her battle of wills with her domineering Aunt (Maggie Smith) who writes an advice column in the New York World.
"Bicycle Face" stings...perhaps because I've been accused of having "Spreadsheet Face."
@datalass LOL. My husband and I often joke that I have "Work Face" at the end of the day.
How about Don't go the wrong way on one way streets!!
I am pro-cyclist but GOD it pisses me off when they do this which is ALL THE TIME.
@redheadedandcrazy I KNOW GOD I HATE IT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! Sorry, not screaming at you, just screaming at all of the otherwise reasonable people I know who think it's okay to ride that way and have a million terrible justifications for it.
One time I was halfway through a century bike ride (100 miles) that goes thru the five boros of NYC when three teenage boys pulled up next to me on bikes and started whistling and being fresh. When I failed to respond to their charms, one fellow told his friends, "Don't bother her. Can't you see she's in the zone?!"
@parallel-lines "being fresh"? Are you sure you didn't just arrive here from 1895 yourself? Did you write this list?
@gobblegirl Get your bike off my lawn!
@gobblegirl My coworker always says "being fresh" and I love it and laugh and laugh, like I did here! It's the little things...
But we're allowed to discuss them with most of the men we know, right?
"Don’t wear laced boots. They are tiresome."
ADVICE FOR LIFE.
(What sort of "assistance up a hill" are they referring to? I have never yet had a passing stranger helpfully offer to tow me and my bike up a hill when they see me toiling up it.)
@Verity My secret feminist shame: I always wish someone would appear to help me carry heavy grocery bags. OH THE SHAME.
@sevanetta Okay I have ALSO secretly wished for this to happen but one time it actually did happen when I was carrying a bunch of boxes from the post office and some guy offered to help me carry him and I turned him down! And he asked again to make sure and I TURNED HIM DOWN AGAIN!
And he was cute and tall! What is wrong with you self! GRR!
(answer: so many things are wrong with you self)
@redheadedandcrazy Silly!!!!! It has happened to me on the way to the post office, the dude was not my type (big guy, I am small) but I was very pleased to have the help. Nice dude. But I still wish it would happen every time I have to buy groceries!
bahahaha oh my god I'm so sad that this was posted a day ago and therefore kate beaton's comic today on "velocopedestriennes" will be seen by approximately nobody, because I want to be that lady.
@redheadedandcrazy well okay it will be seen by all her fans ... never mind