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Friday, January 27, 2012

139

American Cereal

There's a new book out about cereal, and it looks cereal-ously good. No, but in all cereal-ousness, it's about the history of cereal, and you'd have to be a [ce]real breakfast Grinch to not at least be stirred by the picture of E.T., the cereal (slide No. 2).

The Great American Cereal Book: How Breakfast Got Its Crunch* is itself smaller than a box of cereal, and costs $12.99 on Amazon, where it currently comes in at No. 16 in books about breakfast, although that number will no doubt rocket upward in the coming hours. Stay tuned — this is the first in a cereal-ies about books covering meals. Not really, but remember those amazing pictures of food?

*... [Back]! Get it, breakfast!



139 Comments / Post A Comment

atipofthehat

I think this one should be taken with a GRAIN of salt.

boyofdestiny

@atipofthehat We can only hope the authores Chexed their facts.

raised amongst catalogs

@boyofdestiny @atipofthehat Great, now you guys will be milking these cereal puns for all they're worth.

Katie Scarlett

@vanillawaif Well, that's Life.

NeenerNeener

You guys should take a break-fast before these puns get out of control.

raised amongst catalogs

@NeenerNeener They'll never stop -- they love creating a stir.

atipofthehat

@vanillawaif

Hey, it's how we get our Kix.

boyofdestiny

@vanillawaif Admit it: cereal puns bowl you over.

atipofthehat

@boyofdestiny

I can't help it. I love spooning.

raised amongst catalogs

@boyofdestiny They're just such a pour excuse for humor.

boyofdestiny

@vanillawaif This comment Smacks of humor elitism.

atipofthehat

@boyofdestiny

Well, we try to make every comment Count.

atipofthehat

@boyofdestiny

I enjoyed your Post.

boyofdestiny

@atipofthehat Thanks. Glad to hear my comments haven't been a Total disaster.

NeenerNeener

Aww, you guys are lucky I can't resist your charms.

atipofthehat

@boyofdestiny

On the contrary, they've been inspired. Sing, heav'nly Muesli !

teaandcakeordeath

@NeenerNeener

There are too many puns on the Hairpin. I'm LEAVING. Cheerio!

ImASadGiraffe

Y'all are throwing me for a (Froot) Loop.

raised amongst catalogs

@boyofdestiny Honey, comb through some of them and tell me, honestly, that you are proud of them.

atipofthehat

@ImASadGiraffe

Just Wheatabix, there'll be more!

boyofdestiny

@vanillawaif I might need to close this tab and get to work. It's getting to be Crunch time here at the office.

atipofthehat

@boyofdestiny

So you're through Raisin' hell for now?

atipofthehat

@boyofdestiny

Now that he's gone I can say it: he's an Old Fashioned Quaker Oaf.

boyofdestiny

@atipofthehat I'll Kellogg in later and see if there are any more puns to be made.

NeenerNeener

@boyofdestiny Don't leave, this thread will get soggy without you.

boyofdestiny

@atipofthehat Hey! I'll take my lumps, but that insult was just corny.

atipofthehat

@boyofdestiny

I guess with the Lana Del Rey post, the Hairpin is upping its coverage of Pop Tarts.

atipofthehat

@boyofdestiny

Ah, no, my dear Boy: merely otiose.

NeenerNeener

@atipofthehat Oh Snap (crackle, pop)!

boyofdestiny

@atipofthehat That post struck me as a puff piece.

atipofthehat

@boyofdestiny

C'mon, be rice!

atipofthehat

@boyofdestiny

I wish I'd dressed more warmly today. Getting cold and wet gives me grape nuts.

boyofdestiny

@atipofthehat I'm sorry. I find her to be kind of flaky.

atipofthehat

@boyofdestiny

I hear she never lets any cereal pass her lips. Except Puffins.

atipofthehat

@atipofthehat

On the other hand, I hear Caitlin's favorite is Cream of Weed.

atipofthehat

@vanillawaif

vanillawaif, of course, prefers Grape-Nuts of Wrath. With...err...milk ?!?

NeenerNeener

atipofthehat will use any excuse for serial punning.

ImASadGiraffe

@boyofdestiny Be careful, she might Apple Jack you in the face.

atipofthehat

@NeenerNeener

Only when I'm feeling my oats.

atipofthehat

@NeenerNeener

NeenerNeener prefers Mmm-oat diglianis, of course.

NeenerNeener

atipofthehat has all kinds of Trix up his sleeve.

atipofthehat

@NeenerNeener

boyofdestiny loves Raisin Bran Crunch with every fiber of his being.

NeenerNeener

@atipofthehat He has Berry Basic taste.

atipofthehat

@NeenerNeener

...which is strange, since he usually goes against the grain.

fondue with cheddar

@atipofthehat Guys, I'm so late on this thread that most of the good puns are taken already. But they were fun to read; I Dig 'Em!

boyofdestiny

I'll start throwing bombs here. Raisin Bran Crunch is the first and last name when it comes to breakfast cereal. About this, there can be no debate.

Edith Zimmerman

@boyofdestiny Shots fired! Okay but an eternal RIP to the phenomenal Grape Nut O's.

raised amongst catalogs

@boyofdestiny I beg your pardon, but you are clearly forgetting about Cracklin' Oat Bran, the cereal so wonderful yet so expensive that its taste is but a distant memory to me.

boyofdestiny

@Edith Zimmerman I could never get into Grape Nuts, irregardless of their shape. I WAS into Fiber One, though, because when we went to my grandmother's house, she would feed it to me and my brothers with half-and-half instead of milk.

NeenerNeener

@boyofdestiny FLAX PLUS RED BERRY CRUNCH. With almond milk, unless you don't want the healthy alternative.

boyofdestiny

@NeenerNeener That's an ok cereal. Although I'm wearing a linen shirt today, and I can't get the image of eating a bowl of my shirt for breakfast when I think of that stuff.

atipofthehat

@boyofdestiny

DO ANY OF THESE COME WITH CRUNCHBERRIES?

I rest my case.

ilikemints

@vanillawaif Cracklin' Oat Bran is definitely in the aristocratic family of cereals. It was how my sister convinced me to eat dry cat food ("I know it looks so gross, but tastes so goooood.")

ImASadGiraffe

@boyofdestiny I can't get over the fact that Kellogg's discontinued Strawberry Squares. That was the best cereal ever.

NeverOddOrEven

@vanillawaif Rasin Nut Bran forever!

Megasus

@boyofdestiny Kashia Cinnamon Wheat Squares (I dunno if that's what they're called exactly, but they're like miniwheats but without frosting) are the so expensive but so good cereal for me. And the Honey Sunshine ones too.
Is it weird though that my favourite cereal might be off-brand (specifically President's Choice) Honey Nut Cheerios?

parallel-lines

@atipofthehat Those are not an actual berry!

atipofthehat

@parallel-lines

Sorry, it's the Cap'n's word against yours.

nevernude cutoffs

I might be a lone wolf here, but I find all cereal revolting. But as a graphic design nerd I love all the package designs!

oh, disaster

@nevernude cutoffs I ate cereal every single morning as a kid and now I can't stand most of them.

raised amongst catalogs

@nevernude cutoffs Revolting, or relicious?

nevernude cutoffs

@vanillawaif You have turned my world around.

PistolPackinMama

@nevernude cutoffs My younger brother used to cry if one ate cereal around him. Like, when he was really small. We think it was probably food sensitivity/migraine related. And also lactose intolerance.

As a result, I am not much of a cereal eater, and appreciate anyone who thinks the stuff is vile.

nevernude cutoffs

@PistolPackinMama That is very interesting. I think its disgusting, because my brother would only eat cereal. I have gross memories of him eating Batman cereal as a child and I think it's what turned me off for life.

raised amongst catalogs

My manfriend's grandpa has that Grape Nuts tin! I covet it! ("Grape=Nuts" -- what?!?!)

miwome

@vanillawaif If they still sold it in that tin I might buy it and eat it! And I hardly eat cereal anymore!

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@vanillawaif It kinda looks like a box of band-aids.

atipofthehat

@miwome

I have an Italian 100th-anniversary Kellogg's Corn Flakes tin—"Gli Originali!"

feartie

Not American (I think) but the best of all cereals anywhere: Nougat Pillows, the lazily-named but delicious brand from the German supermarket chain, Lidl. Behold: Crunchy chocolate wheat parcels filled with Nutella-type chocolate hazelnut spread.

I only have a week left of eating them before my Coeliac blood test. I am planning on eating them every day.

miwome

@feartie Holy mother of god. I have got to get to Germany.

Mad as a Hatter!

@feartie Remember, that blood test isn't always correct too, so even if it says negative you could still be positive for it. Best of luck that you aren't!

feartie

@Sherlock Thank you - I'm hoping, after years of discomfort, pain and weird moods that it is a positive, so I at least know what to do, even if it does mean no more nougat pillows ever.

parallel-lines

The worst/best cereals of my youth:

King Vitamin: it tore the roof of your mouth up something crazy BUT it came with a king mask on the back. It was Mr. T cereal for poor people.

S'mores crunch: a cereal ahead of it's time

There are so many good ones here: http://www.urlesque.com/2011/03/02/54-vintage-cereals/

Strawberry Shortcake Cereal: turned the milk pink, kinda gross, but girls love pink milk

Can we also talk about the utter grossness of the Booberry/Frankenberry/Count Chocula cereals?

NeenerNeener

@parallel-lines No, I will only talk about how great Count Chocula is.

raised amongst catalogs

@parallel-lines KING VITAMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!
Also, Ice Cream Cones cereal? So adorable?
And the Strawberry Shortcake cereal was, is, and will forever be the final word in Shereal.

oh, disaster

@parallel-lines I can't decide which king is scarier, King Vitamin or Burger King.

miwome

@vanillawaif Does anybody remember that bit on Sesame Street where Miss Piggy sang Material Girl except it was Cereal Girl?

"I'd never triiied it/But then I gave it a whirl/And now/I am a cereal girl!"

Anyway, shereal!!! Is what brought me here.

anachronistique

@parallel-lines BARBIE CEREAL! Apologies for the all-caps, but I have told people about this for years and been accused multiple times of lying. PROOF!

Katie Scarlett

I really like the sad names they come up with for the store brand cereal. At Jewel, they have a Crispix rip off called "Crispy Hexagons." So pitiful.

atipofthehat

@Katie Scarlett

Soggy tetrahedrons 4evr

parallel-lines

@Katie Scarlett My dad used to claim all the generics were made in the same place as the name brand cereals, then in high school we moved to a small town not far from the Malt O' Meal factory and OH BOY, let me dispel that myth real fast. It's not made at the same place, it's made at a terrible place where teenage burnouts take smoke breaks every fifteen minutes and everybody has a rap sheet a mile long. After their shifts at the factory they'd show up at parties and hit on high school girls covered in Tootie Frooties dust.

wharrgarbl

@Katie Scarlett Ha, yes! Store brand cereals names are the best at being the worst. I'm particularly fond of the ones that add exclamation points to their sad names, like that makes it better. "Puffed Rice!" "Granola Squares!" Though I suppose that's better than a period or a question mark. Would you buy something called "Cocoa Crisped Rice?" or "Strawberry Stars."?

parallel-lines

@parallel-lines (they were covered in cereal dust, not us--but I can dream big)

Katie Scarlett

@wharrgarbl hahahaha "Cocoa Crisped Rice? Maybe?"

Katie Scarlett

@parallel-lines My dad still insists on this. What is up with dads? They're so cheap.

Dancercise

I think my favorite is the Life ripoff at Lucky. "Simple Living" - in regular and cinnamon varieties!

Lorelei@twitter

@parallel-lines that does sound like a sad place, but I maintain that Marshmallow Mateys are better than Lucky Charms. I can't stand either one for breakfast, but big bags of Marshmallow Mateys were my ultimate all-nighter fuel in college.

Also one of the two people I know from Northfield, MN looooves Malt-o-Meal cereals. I have never discussed cereal preferences with the other one.

parallel-lines

@Lorelei@twitter I know they give people who work in the factory some of the unsellable product but the thought of eating off-off-brand cereal always bummed me out.

Tootie Frooties will shread the roof of your mouth. I think they are secretly made from razor blades. Marshmallow Mateys aren't too bad.

miwome

I was such a sucker for the sugary cereals, in particular Cinnamon Toast Crunch. (Does anybody remember French Toast Crunch? I remember thinking that was so clever of them! And it tasted kind of good, but it was very different from most sweet cereals. Underappreciated, if you ask me.)

This is why I don't buy cereal at all now. The only ones I'm interested in eating will disappear in two hours and leave me in a sugar coma.

boyofdestiny

@miwome Do you remember the other two chefs who were mascots for Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Whatever happened to those guys?

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@miwome Wow, I totally remember eating French Toast Crunch. And Cookie Crisp cereal. And my grandpa always having a box of Count Chocula in the cupboard when we visited. And now I shun all cereal, even "healthy" ones.

redheaded&crazy

@miwome oh my god I used to eat this shit all through university and it probably explains a few things about the state of my teeth.

MMMM CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH. The taste you can seeeee!

miwome

@boyofdestiny Boca. They live in marble houses with cinnamon tiles and the beaches are made of cinnamon sugar.

Also, I did an image search to remind myself what they looked like, and I came across CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH CUPCAKES, Y'ALL. I am salivating like a puppy over here.

miwome

@redheadedandcrazy This is why I had to make a no-cereal rule! Exact same problem in college! I have the same problem with peanut butter and dried cranberries, if they are in the house I will eat them straight until they are gone.

AniaGosia

@miwome I definitely had French toast crunch once upon a time ... But it was too crunchy. Ouch. Pretty good once it sogged up though!

madge

@miwome ah cinnamon toast crunch, the poor man's golden grahams!

there is a place around here that swirls stuff into your ice cream for you and golden grahams are the best addition!

madge

@Mere COOKIE CRISP!!!!!

no way

@madge Golden Grahams were my all time perfect favorite cereal... until they changed the recipe. Now there is a health-food brand called three sisters that makes a darn near perfect replica of OG GG. When ever I buy it it feels like my birthday (a box of fancy/sugared/name brand cereal was a birthday treat in our house).

parallel-lines

ALSO! Cereal was created by John Harvey Kellogg, a creepy religious dude who ran a sanitarium. He was pro colonics, anti masturbation, and a real no-fun-nik. He basically made it intentionally bland to reduce "sexual feelings".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Harvey_Kellogg
Every time I eat cereal I now thing about how it was a food made to make people so sad they wouldn't masturbate and it bums me out.

atipofthehat

@parallel-lines

Graham crackers can tell a very similar tale.

hahahaha, ja.

@parallel-lines: Masturbate after you eat cereal! Every time! Without a colonic! That'll show Ghost John Harvey Kellogg.

ilikemints

@parallel-lines I learned this after watching Exit to Eden at a very tender age and thus being very scarred. My mother was a terrible judge of what is appropriate to buy a 7 year old for Christmas.

ilikemints

@ilikemints No, wait, the Kellogg one was Road to Wellville. I was confusing it with another completely not okay for kids to watch movie that my mother had also purchased.

likethestore

@parallel-lines He's also the reason for such high rates of circumcision in non-Jewish boys. I hate you for your crappy cereal and ruining penises, Dr Kellogg.

Hella

@ilikemints The Road to Wellville! I only read the book, but I remember it was full of crazy and con-men.

fondue with cheddar

@ietapi I like to touch myself while eating cereal. It's a great way to start the day!

Kivrin

Does anyone else remember Crispy Critters? I was always kinda freaked out by the character on the commercial who did the "Ah-cha-cha-cha" thing. http://www.lavasurfer.com/cereal-post.html

Katie Scarlett

@Kivrin I hated him! And his stupid little piano. Every time I see Jimmy Durante in anything (which, uh, isn't very often I guess) I'm super creeped out. It's probably this guy's fault.

grammarqueen

@Kivrin oh my god, I forgot about him! But I sort of loved him for some reason. I've always liked creepy things and things from my childhood other people found creepy, I loved, which is probably why I'm a weird adult. Also, I swear that's where my obsession with the word indubitably stemmed from. I remember as a young kid, saying that word ALL the time despite not knowing what it meant.

redheaded&crazy

Hey America, send me all of your corn pops please!

Canadian corn pops are inferior. SORRY CANADA IT'S TRUE.

atipofthehat

@redheadedandcrazy

1. Is it really true that Canadian ladies are made of Maple Sugar?
2. Can I have your ear? Uh, just for a sec. I'll totally give it back!!!!

redheaded&crazy

@atipofthehat as god is my witness, nothin but genuine maple syrup runs through these veins.

my ear ... of corn?! only if you return it in better condition than you got it in!

atipofthehat

@redheadedandcrazy

How 'bout a little finger? You won't miss it! Heck, you hardly ever use it now!

redheaded&crazy

@atipofthehat WHAT AMERICAN VOODOO ARE YOU TRYING TO MIX ME UP IN?!

This maple sugar riiiiiiight here don't go for cheap!

WastedPaper

I'm a carbaholic. This is relevant to my interests.

NeverOddOrEven

@WastedPaper Good cereal is always an acceptable meal substitute.

WastedPaper

@NeverOddOrEven As is beer (I'm not picky about how I get my carbs)

NeverOddOrEven

@WastedPaper Fun fact - my husband just said two days ago that if he were ever asked what my favorite food was, The Newlywed Game style, his answer would be "refined flour".

I'm usually kind of a stickler about eating whole-grain when possible, but I have a habit of making him furious by eating his crutons while high.

NeverOddOrEven

@NeverOddOrEven But seriously - best stoned snack EVER.

AniaGosia

Bran buds all the way!

meetapossum

I was kind of a weird kid because plain cereals were always my favorite. Cheerios, Rice Krispies, and my all-time favorite, Crispix. I never got into sweet cereals.

And everyone will probably disagree with me, but dried mini-marshmallows are gross.

liznieve

@meetapossum YOU TAKE THAT BACK. They are delicious, especially when the milk makes them a little soggy and slimy, creating contrasting a texture to the dry, chalky innards.

meetapossum

@liznieve Ugh, the chalkiness. It's like putting Necco Wafers in your cereal! Why would you torture yourself like that?

NeverOddOrEven

@meetapossum There is definitely a place for Marshmallow Mateys in my bowl, but my faforite cereal is plain ol' traditional Shredded Wheat. As a kid I love Puffed Rice too - not generic Rice Krispies, but these weird styrofoamy things in a plastic bag.

likethestore

@meetapossum I only like sweet cereal if I eat it like a bag of chips - dry and straight out of the box. I was never allowed junky cereals as a kid so it still feels like a treat.

redheaded&crazy

@meetapossum oh yeah, the plain cereals are the best! i used to melt a tablespoon of brown sugar in the bowl. Yummy!

liznieve

@likethestore COMPLETELY. Except for aforementioned marshmallow-y ones. But like Cinnamon Toast Crunch? You lose wayyyy too much of the contraband sugar with it soaked in milk. Straight from the box, pour extraneous sugar into mouth.

anachronistique

@meetapossum Are you impugning the honorable and delicious Necco Wafer?

meetapossum

@anachronistique I don't think I would ever use either of those words to describe Necco Wafers.

raised amongst catalogs

@liznieve Thank you for describing this so perfectly.

likethestore

I have been a Cheerios girl my whole life but recently got tired of eating what is essentially cardboard with milk. I've branched out into Oatmeal Crisp with berries. Big step!

LaLoba

E.T cereal is the stuff of nightmares.

vapur
vapur

Apple Cinnamon Cheerios. BOOM.

Jon Custer

I eat the same thing for breakfast every day because I read somewhere that humans are wired for cereal monogamy.

fondue with cheddar

Dude. I loved the SHIT out of E.T. Cereal. And you see the picture on the storybook album offer? I totally had that as a poster. E.T. AND MICHAEL JACKSON, HOLY SHIT IT WAS THE BEST POSTER EVER, EVEN BETTER THAN MY RALPH MACCHIO POSTER. I have a picture of my friend sitting on my bed with both of our Cabbage Patch Kids all lined up, and the poster features prominently. Preserved forever.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

You guyyyyssss. I am so bummed out that it is two days later and no one has mentioned Cocoa Puffs! They changed my life when I tried some of my cousin's for the first time ever when I was like, 10(?).

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