Wednesday, January 4, 2012


A Review of the Free 2012 Wall Calendar From My Local Pizza Place

JANUARY: No pizzas in this picture. Instead we have a beautiful, snow-dusted ski resort in the Alps, a beautiful, a snow-dusted vintage mustard-yellow Cinquecento, and a close-up of spaghetti with meatballs that's similarly dusted with grated Parmesan cheese as if it were freshly fallen snow. Surprisingly elegant.

FEBRUARY: A postcard picture of a Northern Italian city in wintertime, check. A detailed cross-section of a lasagna, check. A giant piece of Parmesan cheese that Caravaggio couldn’t have painted a better picture of, triple check. Really good month.

MARCH: Hmm, this is definitely the weakest month so far. Only two pictures? Some parked mopeds on a gray day? A close-up of soup? I guess every calendar has its filler months. I’ll allow it.

APRIL: Don’t call it a comeback! A multi-meat submarine sandwich, gondolas floating in an almost tropical-looking Venetian lagoon, and … oh God … a close-up of prosciutto. Are those those balls of Bocconcini cheese garnished with basil hiding in the corner?!?! This calendar is approaching Pirelli-levels of erotica.

MAY: The image-juxtaposition becomes increasingly deliberate. A close-up of fried calamari and a magic hour shot of the Roman Colosseum. In order to make the images more symmetrical, I think I should take gladiator-sized bites out of the calamari.

JUNE: A fettuccine Alfredo paired with the Trevi Fountain. Classy touch.

JULY: The Gregorian calendar took about 350 years to be adopted by much of the Western world. It is used in countries as diverse as Canada, Turkey, and China. However, my pizza calendar makes a compelling argument that our year should only last seven months, as there is no reason to continue past July. Why would we even bother after July has given us images of the leaning tower of Pisa, a caprese salad, and gelato with raspberries? What beauty can we possibly wring from the remaining five months? Are we so bold as to think that there are things to look forward to after a July such as this?

AUGUST: Okay, we’re back down to earth for August. And that seems to be the motif here: earthy, rustic, textured. We’ve got a lovely, isolated Tuscan villa, artisanal biscotti dotted with almond and pistachio, and a grilled panini paired with a cappuccino. Bonus points for the cyprus trees looking like biscotti.

SEPTEMBER: A fishing village on the Amalfi Coast, tomatoes and basil, and bruschetta. September gets an A+ and a smiley-face sticker.

OCTOBER: This sun-dappled close-up of wine grapes could have been b-roll from Sideways if it were shot by Terrence Malick. Risotto with chicken and mushrooms? October is only spooky in how it manages to know what I would like to consume.

NOVEMBER: We return to the Alps as the winds grow colder. November seems to be phoning it in with yet another fettuccine Alfredo (even though this one adds chicken) and my least favorite Italian ingredient: sun-dried tomatoes.

DECEMBER: This month we’re treated to snow-like dustings of cinnamon and chocolate instead of parmesan. Appropriate, as December is the dessert of the year.

And with that, I have stretched my food analogies to their breaking point.

2012 is going to be a food year! I mean, a good year.

By day, Daniel Reis is an assistant editor at a commercial post-prodcution house in Toronto. By different time of day, he's still editing but as the President of the A.V. Club at WORN Fashion Journal.

69 Comments / Post A Comment


Now I need an afternoon snack. Preferably a nice, big plate of rigatoni alla vodka.

Lauren Hayden

"This calendar is approaching Pirelli-levels of erotica." MARRY ME.


on top of spaghettiiiiiiiiiiiiii, all covered in cheeseeeeee...


and yet no pictures of pizza


This is way better than my local pizza calendar...


It says you're from Toronto. Seriously where do I get one of these.


@jacqueline Pizzaiolo! On Queen West, just west of Bathurst. I received it with my latest delivery.


@jacqueline Forget the calendar I want all the food that comes with it!

Pizzaolo does make good pizza. And you say they deliver?!!


@Daniel_Reis Oh my god. I was in there two weeks ago and scoffed when I saw it on the table without even opening it up! LESSON LEARNED.


@Daniel_Reis Eek! I work only MINUTES away from the purveyors of such genius? Pizza calendar, you WILL be mine.


The prosciutto shot is pretty much porn. Crudo!


I would pay money for this calendar.


@kaaaaaaatie-did Me too. Or I'd paypal S&H to anyone who will send me one.

Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse


I was just thinking that. I can't believe someone is giving this away FOR FREE.


I want to make a New Yorkified version of this:

January: single plain slice, a line around the block for people waiting to shop at the Ugg store
February: cheese calzone, a garbage can full of broken umbrellas
March: beef patty, a homeless man riding a BMX bike
April: cherry italian ice, a man walking around with a giant snake for absolutely no reason
May: baked ziti, a pigeon looking thoughtful after shitting on the Brooklyn Bridge
June: pepperoni slice, men sitting on milk crates outside bodega
July: taco pizza, two rats fucking in a fountain in Central Park
August: chicken parm roll, a pile of dogshit with a fresh footprint
September:white pizza, NYU freshmen buying oregano from dudes with dreads
October: meatball parmigiana, a group of girls dressed as slutty ladybugs shivering in front of a brick wall
November:eggplant hero, six tourists from Iowa standing side by side blocking your view from the Empire State Building
December: grandma slice, a man dancing the lambada with a blow up doll

Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse


All of these are amazing, but your September is truly flawless. I doff my cap for you.


@parallel-lines I think I love you. Let's get married and live in April, which is pretty much around the corner from my house.


@parallel-lines I think, that for the March shot, the homeless man needs to be riding the bike through dirty slush. Apart from that, perfection.


@Ophelia Oh yes, definitely slush. That's an excellent touch.


@parallel-lines somebody please make this


I got one of these (ie, self-promotional calendar) from my nearest/dearest sushi place! It is actually the size of my whole body. I have had to switch to another sushi take-out place in humiliation.


OMG I have like three free 2012 calendars. Two are food-related, and one is from the garbage people and is about garbage stuff (I don't THINK there are pictures? I hope not).

The Lady of Shalott

@Megan Patterson@facebook What kind of calendar is about garbage stuff???? I really want to know.


@The Lady of Shalott Me too!


@Megan Patterson@facebook I'm not sure where it is, cuz I am still in the process of unpacking, but it's like, what day is your garbage day, and where are the recycling centres and what you can recycle and stuff.

Chesty LaRue

@Megan Patterson@facebook While useful, I think the description "garbage stuff" was slightly misleading ;)


@Megan Patterson@facebook "From the garbage people and is about garbage stuff"=how i will title my annual newsletters once i start reproducing.

You'll be sorry Jo March

I was given a Harry Potter calendar this year. Hopefully, in the story of my life, I will look back and see this calendar as having foreshadowed the most awesome year ever.

Haley Mlotek

"October is only spooky in how it manages to know what I would like to consume." L O L O L O L.

The Lady of Shalott

Last year my parents' dry cleaners gave away calendars with pictures and facts of adorable puppies on them. It was very precious! And the deli they go to gave calendars with scenic pictures of Poland and helpfully noted the saint's day on every single calendar square.

I did not get a single free calendar this year and it SUCKED. I had to pay for one like a chump.


@The Lady of Shalott My dad and I have this Christmas Eve morning Honey Dew Donuts tradition and every year we make a big point of excitedly taking one of the free calendars. This year there were none, and when we asked after them, the cashier said they were LOCKED UP IN THE BACK ROOM and only the manager, who was not working that day, had the key. Foiled!


@klibberfish UGH! Recession!


I've got just short of two million Humane Society calendars for 2012 simply because the people there seem to have as many variations of my name -- including one in which the name of my apartment complex has become my last name.

Also, I just want to add for no good reason that I am some kind of sucker for photos of fishing villages! More so if the village is beneath one of those tall, arms-outstretched Jesus statues on a mountaintop.


I don't even know what to say, really... I just love everything about this so much. I'm glad my birth month, February, had such a strong showing!


@emilylouise i feel similarly proud of august, and pleased about the whole situation. "So, we're Italian, and not only are we proud of the gorgeous scenery in our home country, we're also proud of this pile of meat we made, so we're going to show you both. You're welcome."


@candybeans Yes, you have the right to be proud as well... But only ONE month got called "Really good month" so I guess I win in the end.


@emilylouise ... fair. it is really, really good. look how big that hunk of cheese is!!


@candybeans I know. I mean, I can't STOP looking. I will have dreams about that giant cheese. Maybe I was too harsh on your month, at least August gets meat. Let's merge into one huge meaty, cheesy month. Februst. Auguary.

(IRL you totally win though. August trumps all because it's hot fun in the summertime, while February packs the discomfort of winter weather, the depression of Valentines Day, and the boringness of President's Day. Ugh.)


@emilylouise AUGUARY has real power.
and, irl: august is a very transitory month. people are heading back to school, people are on their last vacations before the fall properly begins, people are burnt out on summertime partying, and they are all waaay too _______ to make it out to your birthday gathering. i can't tell you how i longed to have a birthday during the school year so that i'd get to bring in cookies and get balloons and be the center of attention. the only time i was in school on my birthday was during orientation for law school D: grass is greener, etc.


@emilylouise February birthday and love of cheese! "TWINSIES!" And August was my pretend birthday month when I had to go to freshman orientation way back in high school so I could stay with my friend during the inane get-to-know-you activities and also because I would love a summer birthday... oh, summer...


@Hellcat Birthday magic! What day, what day? What if we really are twins and this is like the modern internet version of The Parent Trap?!


@emilylouise The 17th! You?




@emilylouise WHOOOOOOOOO! Amethysts and violets for us! Why is February so purple-centric?


@Hellcat I am wearing an amethyst pendant RIGHT NOW. Without any influence from "this is what your birth month means about you!" crap, my favorite colors are purple (February's color) and turquoise (Aquarius' color). So I guess I really was born when I was supposed to be! Who knows, who knows.


@emilylouise Yay, me too -- this ring: http://tinyurl.com/88b8a29.

(When I was little, I was jealous of whatever month had sapphire because blue is my favorite color. But then I realized I could wear a sapphire if I damn well pleased anyway. I don't, but I do love a nice lapis lazuli.)


for some reason, it was the humble sandwich juxtaposed with the beautiful venetian scenery, coupled with, "don't call it a comeback!" that got me lowling.


September is SO good!


@klibberfish September is THE BEST.

Stella Sally@facebook

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Ha! I just got that same calendar after ordering a pizza from that place on Tuesday. I would have been happier getting a coupon or something though, Pizzaiolo is expensive!

The Guz@twitter

@Daniel_Reis OMG, I'm making a pilgrimage to that Pizziaolo today at lunch. I must see this calendar in person (specifically October, that month really spoke to me). Will they give me one, are they free to take (I hope they are!)? I'm freaking out!!!

Leilani Kuiipo@facebook

how do i obtain the calendar ?


Daniel_Reis OMG, I'm making a pilgrimage to that Pizziaolo today at lunch. I must see this calendar in person (specifically October, that month really spoke to me).
seagrass furniture


I love the design of the wall calendars you have places in your pizza place, it would be great if you would provide a links so we could download them. I rent my holiday home (have created my own website) and I'm using an availability calendar on AvailabilityCalendar.com. You should check this out, I am sure your customers would love this.


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