Monday, December 12, 2011


You Know Where That Tongue Has Been

"...when it comes to pets on the bed, plague is not the only health risk. It’s one of many, along with hookworm, roundworm, MRSA, rabies, Chagas disease, Pasteurella, cat scratch fever, Capnocytophaga, Cryptosporidium and Cheyletiella. Oh, and bites... Yes, your puppy (or kitten) is a soft-eyed, big-pawed, jelly-muzzled ball of adorability. Nevertheless, do not let them share your pillow. And no matter how tempted you are, do not smooch them."
We've said it before and we'll say it again: Get rid of your pets, seriously, they are revolting.

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*hangs head* *walk of shame*


Sorry scientists, but the nuzzles and cuddling is worth the risk for me.

However, I wonder the difference in risk between indoor and outdoor pets. My cats have never even stepped foot outside except to go to the vet.


@teebs is it wrong that I always think of Plato's cave when I hear about indoor cats? And imagine that one day one of your cats will be all "Hey guys! There's a whole world out there!" and then will be instantly shunned by the other cats because he's different?


@Dubliner This made me laugh for like three minutes straight. I wonder if that's why our reformed-outdoor cat was shunned by our indoor-since-birth cats.


@teebs And anyway, aren't they familiar w/ that theory about how living side by side w/ domesticated animals allowed early European civilizations to advance more quickly than those on neighboring continents? This MUST mean that kissing pets ensures future success!


@Dubliner My indoor-only cat refuses to listen to my grew-up-in-the-woods cat. Grew-up-in-the-woods cat is teeny and has no camouflage and remembers what owls are and runs from open doors. Indoor-only cat thinks the outdoors is a great adventure where she could be queen.



This is the best comment I have ever read.


@wharrgarbl I hope your grew-up-in-the-woods cat is much older and looks all grey and wise, then tells the indoor cat "hold on there youngster, the world is a dangerous place for a starry eyed cat" but your indoor cat ignores him and acts all arrogant until a series of adventures gives her perspective and she realises how good she has it.
Also she should get a timid sidekick who she teaches about the fun of being adventurous. Can this be a movie please?


This is just one of many, many reasons why I'm firmly opposed to sharing my home with any creature that drains resources and doesn't contribute toward the rent. Kids, cats (sacks, wives), whatever. If you're not going to pitch in, get the hell out.


@special_boots your life sounds sad. I know! Get a puppy!


@special_boots Fluffy animal (or wife) cuddles are soothing and can help with that anger.


@treeskier170 That sounds horrible.


I'm sure wives are great, but I'm fine cuddling my boyfriend.

(A second reading can help with that "taking facetious internet comments too seriously.")

Tuna Surprise

What about pygmy goats? They're clean, right?




@Tuna Surprise Pygmy goat kids at least have to be. They're too small to get dirty, right? That's how it works, I'm pretty sure.


D'awwwwww but look at his little face under the duvet!

Related. Getting headbutted by your cat: the best thing or the Best Thing?

Violet Strange

@Decca Tied for Best Thing. One of my dearly departed cats would tilt her head and lean over so you could kiss her on the cheek when she saw you doing smoochy lips. This is what happens when you give a feral born kitten to a 7 year old girl.

(I also accidentally trained her to kill spiders!)


What else am I supposed to wipe my lonely tears on if not my cat's belly?


@heb And that belly is SO SO SOFT.


@figwiggin And it absorbs sadness and processes it and then releases it as love and purrs.

Pocket Witch

@heb It's called "fuzz therapy" in my family. Just don't put on lip balm before rubbing your face on the cat who sheds like she's paid for it. Voice of experience.

You'll be sorry Jo March

"And no matter how tempted you are, do not smooch them." This line is giving me tunnel-vision rage.


@You'll be sorry Jo March Like, it quite literally pissed me off. I will smooch my cat and he LOVES it so you shut your sciencey face, science!


@You'll be sorry Jo March I smooch my cat on her adorable face before I leave for work and after I get home from work. I left this morning saying, "ok gotta go to work, gotta pay for all that cat food!"


@ginalouise That Fancy Feast doesn't pay for itself.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@You'll be sorry Jo March I'm not much of a pet kisser myself, but how can I refuse when they offer? It's heartless!


@You'll be sorry Jo March Seriously. My dog doesn't take no for an answer, and I love him for it!


@ginalouise I talk to my cats, too, like, "Why don't you ever do the dishes, assholes? I do the job-having, the poop-scooping, the food-making (or pouring) and the sleeping in weird angles because you want the middle of the bed and I get what, some cuddles? A swipe of your paw if you're feeling cranky? I love you, bitch cats."


I love my cat, but I always wash my hands after petting him. That's not weird, right?


@Lyesmith Nope. I can feel the dander on my hands and I like to rub my eyes a lot.


@whizz_dumb My boyfriend told me this weekend that he can smell the cat on my hands :(


@Craftastrophies It seems more likely he can smell the six months of old cat spit on your hands. Though I can definitely smell (and feel) the dog on my hands after petting her, so post-pettings hand-washings are a thing.


@wharrgarbl I usually do, because otherwise it feels all gross and... waxy? But not within three seconds of pats. My cat is not very licky, thanks be. I get the odd 'good human, more pats' lick, but it's pretty cursory. He's more about sitting on your chest with his butt in your face, purring.


And yet, I cannot keep from schnorgling Princess Slayer's roommate's cat whenever possible. AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME, THREATENING SCIENCE PEOPLE.

Clearly these people do not have pets.

dracula's ghost

Totally worth the risk. I smooch my big leggy guy all over his face all day long. He smells so good and is such a dear old man! People have been sleeping with animals for literally 30,000 years and still we manage to continue propagating at insane insupportable rates--frankly a little plague would be good for us about now. If I may die from kissing my pup's dear snout then so be it.

Also I Would Point Out The Following Things Also Spread Horrible Disease Yet Most People Consider Them Normal Or Even What Makes Life Worth Living:

- smooching a human's mouth
- having sex with a human
- sharing a human's toothbrush (it happens)
- giving birth
- babies generally
- sharing a juicebox on the playground (HERPES: How I Got It)
- sharing food generally, ultimate human social expression yet germy breeding ground of horror
- wearing tight pants (yeasties)
- wearing clothes from Goodwill before washing them (it happens)
- Sleeping in beds generally (they are filled with bugs and detritus, fucking face facts people)
- Going to New York City (bedbugs)
- Flying in an airplane (cancer)
- Allowing massive corporations to continue to pollute our already shitty polluted environment (cancer, asthma, etc. etc.)
- Driving cars (car wrecks! cancer!)
- talking on cell phones (cancer)
- Eating fish (mercury; rape of the ocean = global warming)
- Eating meat (pollution; global warming; moral issues; e coli; etc. etc. RISK)
- Playing Russian roulette (jk)

We all the time do things for pleasure that have associated risk and that is just part of our awesome lives.


dracula's ghost

@dracula's ghost oh god HE'S LOOKING AT ME RIGHT NOW


@dracula's ghost Adventures in Misreading: "having sex with a human


@dracula's ghost "sharing a juicebox on the playground (HERPES: How I Got It)"

Ohhh, this explains why everyone hates juiceboxes here.

dracula's ghost

@nyikin Crap, I realized that double-entendre but a moment too late.

I meant literal juicebox, but actually the double meaning works too, so go for it!


@Decca: Or having sex with a human tooth! Though I've been warned about bringing up the tooth costume fiasco ever again...


@dracula's ghost: cell phone cancer was finally debunked after a 15 year study. I know the list is hyperbole for laffs, but I thought I'd pipe up


@ejcsanfran "Sleeping in beds generally (they are filled with bugs and detritus, fucking face facts people)"

I have a lovely bed that I take excellent care of. But I still can't let myself think about what it's really really like in there unless I want to start sleeping standing up on a corner.


@laurel Even then that corner is going to get all disgusting with your disgusting goo. I actually have a part of the wall in my office that is COVERED IN DIRT from my ex putting his feet on it all the time when his desk was there. Plus I just have general dirt marks everywhere generally.


@dracula's ghost Speaking of giving birth, want to hear a TERRIBLE sotry? Really, if you're squeamish or pregnant - don't read.

So my friend is a doctor and she assisted with a c-section a couple days ago where the numbing agent didn't work so they had to take the baby out with the woman completely aware. Her husband had to leave because the woman was screaming and vomiting from the pain. They couldn't stop once they cut in because there's a possibility of bleeding out if it isn't done quickly.


@dracula's ghost girl did you just prescribe a little bit of plague for humanity?

YEAH you did! And I like the way you think.


@dracula's ghost Right? It's like complaining about the neighbour's barking dog when you live next to a noise polluting factory.

Uh, not that I'd do that.


"fucking face farts people" (ohgoddopeoplefartinthepillowsanddoessomeofthefartremain??)


Oh, please. My dog is a lot less likely to give me a disease than my lying cheating ex-boyfriend, who is allowed to wander the earth without any sort of warning label.

dracula's ghost

@City_Dater BINGO!


@City_Dater Ah I essentially posted the same thing below, which has now been deleted because you put it much better than I did.


Yeah, well, my boyfriend just gave me the flu, a bunch of chin zits, and a huge bruise on my thigh from when he thought it would be hilarious to play airplane over a hardwood floor. Kissing up on my kitty-friend's belly and taking a nap together is sounding like drinking some wheatgrass and a two hour yoga class in comparison to hanging out with dude's filthy sweatpants again. Kitty-friend stays.


I plan on leaving my estate (all $20 worth of it) to my dog, so I guess this is good news for him because there's no way I'm giving up my cuddly space heater.

sceps yarx

If this were really true wouldn't there be a whole lot more humans running around with hookworm and rabies?


@sceps yarx There are a LOT of humans running around with hookworm and rabies already, though.


@Craftastrophies I think the numbers are somewhat lower in North America and Europe than elsewhere.


@Craftastrophies Well, not so much rabies. Humans die pretty quickly once they've contracted rabies. Pretty much everything else out there, though.


@wharrgarbl Shhh. You're ruining my hyperbole!

dracula's ghost

ALSO studies have found that people who pat a dog or a cat on a regular basis live longer and are happier.

How does that factor in? You can't tell me that the average person who pats a dog every day is not also smooching his big dopey face sometimes. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE.


Sometimes I like to play a thought game of, "how would people from the past react to this". Example, walking down the street in a major metropolis, how would a rich victorian lady react to the clothing people wear? Leggings as pants, would that cause an embolism? Would her brain explode harder at a white female police officer or a nonwhite male officer? What would it be like to eat pad thai for a victorian lady?

In the reverse game I like to think about who I would drop off in what time period. Like...Sarah Palin in 1930s Kansas. Would she be unhappy with her level of personal freedom? I would like to drop off whoever wrote this article in real plague times. When people slept with livestock in the house and treated cuts with goose poop.

Living is gross. It just is.


@E That is a great game! (That is all.)


@FromTheFuture Sometimes I forget to bring a book, and that is how I invented this game which is my favorite game. Okay....new one just now...imagine if you took Napoleon to get a coffee at Starbucks. What WOULD HAPPEN?! If there was a sexy lady there rocking hippie armpit hair, he would be overjoyed. Would he be able to see over the counter? What would the man who conquered France think of the madelines that come in a plastic bag?


@E He was like, 5'7" or something, so yeah. It's just that his body guards were freaking giantors and he liked high heels. But I would LOVE to see how he'd react to the modern era!

dracula's ghost

@lovelettersinhell He'd be all "SACRÉ BLEU!!!!!!!!"


@E I used to ask my dad these questions all the time (I'm not sure why I thought he'd be a good source of knowledge on the subject). I would say, "What do you think someone from the Revolutionary War would think about middle schoolers? Like, one room schoolhouses vs. public middle school in 1996?" And he would ALWAYS say: "People are people. They would just get used to it." And I would say, "But the cloooothes, Dad! And the cars! Do you think they would feel like they are going 1,000 miles an hour?" And he would say, "They would probably be happy they don't have to spend three days traveling by horse to the nearest town." Anyway, sigh! Dads. And I like your game.


@E Kate Beaton needs to get on this, stat.

The Lady of Shalott

@cocokins Oh my gooood, are you me? I used to bug my dad with questions like this CONSTANTLY and his answer was always "They'd get used to it." I also used to ask the reverse, like "What would it be like if you went back in time and you had to chop wood every day or wear Renaissance clothes, Dad???" and he would say "I'd get used to it."

Although I am now doing my Master's in history so clearly this had more of an impact on me than I am willing to admit.


@The Lady of Shalott I used to wonder about what Laura Ingalls Wilder would think about, oh, my mom driving us down the 10 in a Honda station wagon or my grandparent's swimming pool, etc. Mostly I think she'd be horrified.


@lovelettersinhell It's because the French foot and the British foot were slightly different lengths, so the Brits thought he was short (because they didn't understand the conversion), and used that as propaganda.
History: written by the school bullies as much as the victors!


@lovelettersinhell Dear Napoleon, I am sorry to have called you short. Will you accept this Michael Buble CD of holiday songs and a Caramel Chai Eggnog Lattechino as an apology?"


@E This topic has been covered extensively in the cinematic masterpiece "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure." Spoiler: Napoleon loves ice cream, water slides, and Bill's stepmom.


@E I also like to pick an era and cast everyone on the bus in different roles and outfits. Victorian England and Medieval Europe are my faves (obviously most of them are peasants. We ARE on the bus, after all.)

Or if they are being annoying I imagine the old people as youths, and the youths as old people. Somehow it takes the sting out of it.

Also, 'living is gross' is my new slogan. Embrace the grossness. You are embracing life!

Vera Knoop

@E So this is where I have to ask if you've read any Connie Willis. Because her "historians" basically do this. I've heard mixed things about her newest, but Doomsday Book (heavy, sad, amazing) and To Say Nothing of the Dog (delightful fluff) are both really excellent.


@piggie Put him in the iron maiden!


@piggie And also Time Bandits! Napoleon would probably really enjoy some midget-porn.


@Vera Knoop Yes, yes! Just read Blackout and All Clear. Working on getting the others from the library. Love her character development!


And that's why regular vet trips are important, but really, I have a better idea of the diseases that my pet has, more so than the random dude coughing next to me on the bus.


@faintly_macabre Right, where is the cautionary tale of public transport. (Please no one tell me, I have no other options. Plus side, I started getting fewer colds once I started sanitising my hands when I got to my destination.)


Wev. My sweetie studied biochem and sleeps with three kitties in the bed and kisses the dog and kitties all the time.

Kitty kisses are the best thing that ever happened to me. This morning when my kitties cuddled up to me, and my little Flossie cuddled right up around my face (germy germy germs) so that my cheek was right against her soft fur, I knew all was right with the world.



I am reading this article with my giant, soft kitty in my lap, and he is trying to lick my fingers while I type, because I raised him from a wee little alley-kitten that had to eat baby food off my fingers so he wouldn't starve. Pffft, hookworm.


Lalalalaaaa can't hear you!

Have you ever tried to keep a cat from jumping on your bed and sleeping wherever the damn hell she wants? It's impossible! Plus, my cat is adorable and doesn't go outside or come into contact with other animals (poor thing)...so she's clean-ish, right? I mean, besides the fact that she poops in a box (I REFUSE TO THINK ABOUT THIS).


@BeebsLaRue my cat's an indoor kitty, too. now that it is winter, she likes to get under the cover and rest her chin on my arm. how can I say no? even the threat of bubonic plague can't sway me!


@BeebsLaRue I figure I OWE my cat bed snuggles for making him be an indoor cat and not giving him as much playtime as I should. After my boyfriend (who is allergic, so we shut the cat out of the bedroom) has been over for a while, my poor kitty is so clingy. And sometimes I wake up and he's the little spoon all nuzzled into my tummy making little purry snores and it's the greatest.


@BeebsLaRue "besides the fact that she poops in a box"

...well, we kinda do the same thing, ya know? we just have flushers on our box.

Lily Rowan

@teenie The cat has a flusher, too. It's you!


Didn't I just read that having a cat at any point in your life reduces risk of heart disease by 40% because of their soothing purrs? I think I just read that somewhere. So Mr. Snugglepaws can get on the bed whenever he damn well pleases.

fondue with cheddar

@insouciantlover They also feel great on your tummy when you have PMS! The warmth and the purrs are magic.


I am all hopped up about this. My mom called me a few months ago insisting that letting my cat sleep on my bed was the most dangerous thing I could do. Whatever, Mom. I live dangerously. I mean, look at that cat! Look at that face.


If the cats have access to our bedroom, babygirl either sleeps on my tummy or the small of my back, and babyboy sleeps between my legs, or between my right leg and husband's back leg.

If they don't have access to our bedroom they meow, cry, and throw themselves at the doors all night.

Plus, they're fuzzy spaceheaters.

I love my kitties so much. I will kiss and cuddle them all the time.

dracula's ghost

We all live under the constant threat of something going wrong with our food supply chain (peak oil, e.g.). Every American city has NO MORE THAN 3 days' worth of food stockpiled at any given time. We could all die horribly at pretty much any moment; we are balanced on the head of a pin with vultures skydiving at us from all directions. I truly feel there are better things to worry about than kissing your dog's sick mouth (and it is a sick mouth, make no mistake. Then again, you know who had a sick mouth? HUMPHREY BOGART)


@dracula's ghost Oh, don't tell me facts like that, I have enough weird shit stockpiled in my pantry already. 3 days? I have enough cans of olives for THREE WEEKS!


@insouciantlover You should see the beans in my pantry. We will have some kickass survival chili when the grid goes offline!

dracula's ghost

@figwiggin Olives, Gin, 67 bars of fine chocolate




@dracula's ghost this is why it's important to befriend couponers


i don't care what anyone says, I agree with all the above pinners. my little kitten sleeps directly on my chest at night, and it gives me more love than anything i could ever imagine. love his little belly.


It hasn't killed me for the past 11 years so I think I'll just keep on taking my chances.


Chimpanzees raised in a near-sterile environment have no defenses against normal bugs found in dirt and on plants. Children raised with their own bathroom get sick more often than those who share bathrooms with their parents or siblings. A little dirt is good for you.

Also, fuck you, people who say I shouldn't spoon with my ancient enormo-hound or my two insane, untrustworthy cats. I have had both cat-scratch fever and cancer, and the only thing that got me through the latter was kittayns and puppehs.

Leslie Popplewell

@Mingus_Thurber Also, sharing a bedroom with one or more siblings, and going to daycare reduces your risk of developing Hodgkin lymphoma-- every child should eat a pound of dirt before he turns 5. The French have known this for a long time--


So, let's see. Sleeping with my cat might give me plague or ringworm. Not sleeping with my cat would absolutely result in me jumping grief-stricken out the window. I remain perfectly content with my choice.@ejcsanfran I got ringworm from my friend's cat! It wasn't the worst. I just had to drop out of my fencing class.


@ejcsanfran I got ringworm from my friend's cat! It wasn't the worst. I just had to drop out of my fencing class.


@figwiggin So, you know, there are more terrible things.


@figwiggin: Fencing?! You'll put your eye out!


So, like, I'm no microbiologist, but my understanding is that cat and dog cells are so different than ours that (for the most part) we can't get the same diseases? Even if not true, this was terribly reassuring to my friend whose toddler kept snacking from the litterbox.

Basically: smooch away!


@josiah Eeeeeeeeeeeep. Get rid of your children, seriously, they are revolting.

You are somewhat right. AIUI, most viruses are species-specific (a few are not or are so close that they can mutate into something that isn't, a la bird flu) but bacteria, protists and invertebrate parasites are far less choosy.

/BRB, off to wash hands. And have my tubes tied.


Sounds like someone could use a crash course at Herrrmerrn's.


@I AM DIAPHENA Holy moly.

fondue with cheddar

@laurel WHAT.

I thought the final scene in Summer School was disturbing, but this...wow. I need to go gargle with bleachie RIGHT NOW.


Argh, my cat is on my lap right now. GET IT OFF GET IT OFF.


(Except she's purry and adorable and I love her, so maybe not.)


My dog wears booties outdoors (to keep his feet clean), and I wipe his nose and undercarriage with a big baby wipe when we get back inside from our walks. He's bathed every two weeks. I think my dog is cleaner than most men I've known. So, he's allowed on the bed. But only for naps (not all night), and only on the outside, not on the inside. He is also better than a hot water bottle when I'm crampy on the rag. Way better. I've never been healthier than when I have a dog.


@carolita okay i take many similar precautions so i feel okay in having my dog up on my bed - also i try not to let her snuffle into my pillow too much/at all - so i feel okay! I saw this article and felt all DRAMATIC about not letting my dog sleep with me (in the morning while i'm whaling on my snooze button) but now that i've seen all these comments I feel so much better!

i'm at home with all these animal lovers!


check out my dog's booties! : https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150426380749531&l=56c6182cf7


@carolita the fact that they are next to your booties is probably the most adorable thing i've seen since my puppy this morning




@Too Much Internet It will make Andy Dwyer give your cat away on Twitter.

Feminist Killjoy

this thread makes me want to jump out of a window. for being allergic to cats.


Hey, so they came up with this stuff called flea preventative that mitigates the risk of a lot of these things.
Get rid of your fleas, seriously, they are revolting.

Frankie's Girl

My cats sleep anywhere they would like. They are indoor only, and other than having a secret pocket that they fill with the litter crystals so they can scatter them across the entire house, they are very clean.
My darling little shelter kitty-of-a-bazillion-nicknames sleeps on my pillow (okay, it's her pillow; I bought a new one for my head, she sleeps on the pillow right above). I would be heartbroken to go to sleep without her rumble purr as a lullaby.


There is a lot of talk of "letting" the cats sleep on the bed. Does no one else have cats like mine? I am like, please cat, get off the bed, I can't sleep with your butt on my face, and my cat is all, eff you lady, get back on your side.

Artressa Vandelay

@ArcherLady: My two little beasts are the same way. In the summer time they are not as clingy and hang around my feet, but in the cooler weather, they are both on my head!


I actually had cat scratch fever in elementary school. It was no biggie, beyond the "you've got WHAT? Is that a thing? I thought it was just a Ted Nugent song?" comments. Oh, and the several months of terror lying in bed feeling my swelling lymph node and thinking that it was cancer and not telling my parents about it so they wouldn't worry. But really, no reason to stop kissing cats.


I think my cat has seen this article. I give him kisses and he's like "Dude! What the fuck! Disease!"

[Not really, but my cat kind of looks affronted all the time, so it amuses me to think that.]

Really Nice@twitter

That article is just a big pile of fear-mongering overreaction. There is nothing statistically significant about any of those unfortunate illnesses that happened to the people mentioned. (Take two seconds to google how few people get the plague a year, let alone rabies, which people vaccinate their animals for and for which effective human prophylaxis exists.)

On a relevant note, I probably would have emotionally collapsed yesterday if my insane gray cat hadn't snuggled up to me and covered me with nose kisses while I pathetically wept in my bed, because my unemployment benefits are running out. So really, screw this article.


@Really Nice@twitter i'm glad you have a kitten to wipe your tears with his impossibly soft grey fur. <3


plague? really? i mean it's technically possible, but in my 8 years of working at high volume/low income veterinary facilities as a tech, we ran across a possible plague situation once, and it turned out it wasn't plague. seriously, probably 10s of thousands of pets, and not one plague situation.
the main health concerns are zoonotic parasites. take your pets to the vet, keep them on flea prevention, have them get fecal tests and dewormings at least annually, and you'll honestly be living with cleaner and healthier critters than any humans you could possibly live with.
ugh. fear mongering. why do people hate pets?


@teenie I think they don't hate pets so much as they hate joy.


@wharrgarbl seriously - my beau is kiiiinda OCD, and when he moved in he was definitely a little alarmed at the prospect of living with my Main Man, Pablo T. Cat. (i don't know what the T stands for, he's never told me...) but now, Pablo has won him over, and my beau lets him head butt him, kiss him on the face, etc etc. we have a happy home this way, I would never change it, certainly not for miserable people who clearly haven't done their research.


"And no matter how tempted you are, do not smooch them."

Um, too late.


PSSSSSSH. Husband teaches elementary school children and is CONSTANTLY dragging disease/slime/poop in to the house. I shudder to think all the things that would be in the house were I to allow an actual sticky gross child in. Puppy is a sweet, obidient, loving 85 pound squishy pillow and she can sleep wherever she pleases!


I wish I had a printed out article of this to show my roommate. She once put her foot on the kitchen counter, and when I said, "WHY WHY GET IT OFF" she said, "Oh, please, the cats walk on the counters," and I said, "NO NO PAWS FULL OF POOP"

But you will drag a cat away from my cold, dead, lips over my, um, cold, dead body.

dracula's ghost

I had to come back here and tell you about it
His legs are 12 feet long and there are too many of them
He looks like a rabbit sometimes and a deer sometimes and a small worried human man sometimes
Sometimes I think he is a reincarnated axe-murderer brought back to earth to be punished by me smooching him and controlling how much he can eat
One time he got into his food bag and ate so much food his guts puffed up like a balloon and he spent the rest of the night on the couch going "OOF." He literally said "OOF."
My old man bathes him and whispers gently to him in the bathroom, where I am not allowed due to high-stress in dog-washing situations
One time he ran head-first into a tree, CLONK! and then just kept on truckin'
He was afraid of fire hydrants as a child
He will eat a whole stick if you let him
He smells like cookies and popcorn
He's the fastest runner and he jumps the highest
He catches a ball right SMACK in his mouth like no biggie
He knows the commands "BUTT OUT!" and the related but slightly different "OUT OF THE KITCHEN!"
He neither begs nor counter-surfs
He can hold his pee for like 10 hours, that's better than I can do!
I'm pretty sure he would bark if a man came in the house to murder me
He can catch a treat in his mouth if you toss it
he loves peanut butter
he loves cats

he loves my husband more than he loves me but I don't even care, because my love is real, I'm like the lady whose baby it really was when King Soloman was gonna cut that baby in half


@dracula's ghost Your husband's love is presumably false, like pagan gods?

dracula's ghost

@wharrgarbl YES!!! exactly


@dracula's ghost My (husband's) dog does the same damn thing. She will ignore him when he is right there and try to get all up in my grill instead, even though my interest in her does not much extend much beyond making sure that she's properly cared-for and scolding her (she recently got a middle and last name for more effective scoldings) when she's bad.


@wharrgarbl My Pagan partner would... actually, I don't think he has any gods. Nevermind.

Middle names are crucial for scoldings.


@Craftastrophies They are. I had to go with "Hieronymus" to get the cadence right, since her surname is "Dog."


@wharrgarbl I <3 this comment.

But oh no! My cat's first name is Kitteh! I guess his last name can be Cat. Kitteh Cat. Kitteh Delano Cat.


@Craftastrophies Yeeeeeeeeeees. Delano!

fondue with cheddar

I don't let my cats in the bedroom at all, but that's just because I don't want their hair on my pillow.


@jen325 I have an elaborate bed-making right after getting up ritual so that my cat can't sleep on the bare mattress and leave hair everywhere.

fondue with cheddar

@Craftastrophies I used to do that, but then my one cat (the fluffier one, naturally) decided to become a tunneler.


I've kissed puppies since forever and I'm not dead yet. Also, greyhounds are hard to sleep with.


People are paying about $4,000 for intentional hookworm infestations to rid themselves of their autoimmune reactions. $4K is a lot of dog food.


Seriously, get rid of your hookworms, they are disgusting.

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