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Monday, December 19, 2011

281

Wishes

Tenzin

“No wish — I just wake up, eat, work, run, sleep.”

Questions tend to be tied to circumstances. Someone asks “Would you please pass the guacamole?” if guacamole sits nearby. Now is the time of year when reverie (the soul’s guacamole) is palpable and fresh, so we hit the streets of New York with a single question: “What’s your holiday wish?”


Mallory & Brooke

Mallory: “To get a job.”

 

Catrina (far right) & her family

“I want to stay a kid.”

 

Sam

“I like ‘To stay a kid.' But with common sense.”

 

Keith, Richard & Brandon

Richard: “World peace."

 

Coco

“Another bone.” (conveyed by her owner)

 

Elisa

“I haven’t even thought about the holidays yet.”

 

Eddie

“I need money; I’m broke.”

 

Alex

“Vacation.”

 

Josie

“A grandchild.”

 

Peter & Paula

Peter: “To have the best honeymoon.”

 

Trish

“I’m hoping for quality time with my family — which business doesn’t always allow.”

 

Joe

“I want everyone with me on December 25th, kids and grandkids.”

 

Oksana & Sasha

Sasha: “To win a lawsuit against the NYC Parks Commission. They keep harassing us.”

 

Carrie & Verdie

Carrie: “Romance.”

 

Heath & Conor

Conor: “I want to have a baby.”

 

Kevin & Darilin

Darilin: “I hope Santa brings me a teddy bear and a laptop.”

 

Mike

“I wish everybody could eat great dinners on Christmas night.”

 

Mahmoud

“To go back to Egypt.”

 

Ala, Alexis & Adrian

Adrian: “To get U.S. papers.”

 

Peggy & Arbi

Arbi: “We don’t believe in holiday wishes.”

 

Kim & Ann

Ann: “This hat/scarf – harf?”

 

Phil & Summer

Summer: “I want a boyfriend.”

Phil: “I want a girlfriend, of course.”

 

Boris

“I wish for you two to stay together forever.”

 

Jon Cotner and Claire Hamilton have made other slideshows based on walks through Fire Island and Art Basel Miami. Jon is the author, with Andy Fitch, of Ten Walks/Two Talks, which was chosen as a Best Book of 2010 by The Week, The Millions, Time Out Chicago, and Bookslut.

281 Comments / Post A Comment

JessicaLovejoy

“I haven’t even thought about the holidays yet.”

Of course she hasn't! Look at this fabulous bitch! The holidays wish for her.

She's so great, I bet she's the daughter of either Paula or Peter.

“I want everyone with me on December 25th, kids and grandkids.”

Um, you are obviously Aspen Santa so just send the reindeer to pick them up.

miwome

@JessicaLovejoy My holiday wish is to have Aspen Santa's mustache.

City_Dater

@JessicaLovejoy

I know Joe slightly, and to be described as "Aspen Santa" would likely fill him with joy.

EpWs

@City_Dater YOU KNOW JOE? Is his mustache as magnificent in real life?

Lily Rowan

@City_Dater Oooh! I went through that whole thing looking for someone I might know! To no avail.

City_Dater

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher

It is truly wonderful -- I haven't seen him in a few years, and I'm so pleased to see he still has it!

posturegirl

@JessicaLovejoy Am I the only one who wants to be Joe's honorary grandkid? He looks so old-person-cheery!!!!!

posturegirl

@posturegirl Also, a little like Teddy Roosevelt now that I think about it. He must be a hybrid between Santa and T.R. That's the only logical answer.

backstagebethy

This was really great, except for the Scrooges who don't believe in holiday wishes!

iceberg

@backstagebethy Damn grinchy hipsters!

RosemaryF

@backstagebethy My exact thought, "What dicks!"

Hot Doom

@backstagebethy OK, well to be fair, with names like Arbi and Peggy, they probably gave up wishing for new names from Santa years ago and sold their souls for pashminas and dipshit accessories.

oatmealshrapnel

@backstagebethy they're too good for magic

sox
sox

@backstagebethy Maybe they grew up as Jehova's (sp?) Witnesses? One of my friends in elementary was cursed with this sad upbringing. He couldn't come to any celebration of any kind and had to leave the classroom when we did christmas or valentine's or whatever. :(

Maybe we can be the bigger people and WISH FOR THEIR HAPPINESS. Take that, nonbelievers!

wee_ramekin

@iceberg Yeah, I try not to hate on "hipsters" (whatever they are, since the definition can pretty much be applied to anyone if you twist it enough), but Jesus. Shut up, Arbi. Christ.

HRH Your Cuntness

@sox They could use this time to be Jehovah's Most Secret Witnesses, like Troy on Community, and infiltrate the holidays from within.

becky@twitter

@wee_ramekin arbi and peggy: the elaine and gary of 2012.

Nutmeg

@wee_ramekin Is anyone else bothered that Arbi answered for the both of them? WHAT ABOUT PEGGY

wee_ramekin

@Nutmeg Oh I am so bothered, but I'd already trashed Arbi like, six times in this thread and I figured I should let up. But I'm demmed glad you said something, old bean.

Nutmeg

@wee_ramekin I forgot this is what normal people do! My method is to trash someone until the person I'm speaking with tries to change the subject (it's awkward? but whatevs, I only have 3 friends anyways)

Muffin

How are they dicks for not celebrating the same holidays you guys do? :/

wee_ramekin

@Muffin Oh no, they're absolutely not dicks for not celebrating the same holidays as me. They're dicks because they "don't believe in holiday wishes". If someone asks you what you wish for, you don't take a haughty tone and tell them that you don't believe in wishes. That's just rude and condescending.

Ladies Who Punch

@backstagebethy She looked Persian to me. Her real name might be Pegah or a number of other awesome names that start with P I'm presently forgetting.

The Arbi thing? He could also be close regionally. But the negative attitude? That's just lame sauce.

whateverlolawants

@wee_ramekin I don't see it as haughty. He said what he believed. Why do the rest of us care? He's not pissing on everyone else's wishes.

wee_ramekin

@whateverlolawants I guess you're right. I have fallen prey to my own stereotypes of how "people who dress/posture like that" are (smug, snide and flippant) and am not checking the facts. I still think their response is a little rude in response to someone asking them what they wish for, but I guess it doesn't merit the vitriol that I have heaped upon them.

That said, 'Arbi' has become the name I shout when I shake my fist and curse at the sky in impotent rage for the world's ills, so...

D.@twitter

@wee_ramekin Please. You know his parents named him "Arby," in honor of the chain's delicious curly fries, and he's been trying to dress it up ever since. I bet he was all, "Make sure you spell it with an I."

Ham Snadwich

@wee_ramekin - Yeah, but he still makes a halfway decent roast beef sandwich.

cockadoodle

@wee_ramekin Woah. That visual had me going for at least a full 30seconds. awesome :)

mochi

@backstagebethy yeah maybe they are trying to appreciate and focus on all the good things they already have & not wish for things that aren't here. jeez guys.

iceberg

Ahhh I love this for so many reasons.
"World peace." !
"Another bone" !!!
Joe's moustache!!!!!!!

(Josie's children: "Ugh, moooooommmmmm.")

Also, Mike should've wished for some shirt buttons. Do they just go about like that in that shop?

Katie Walsh

@iceberg I love your reaction to Mike! Abercrombie has a fine, long-standing tradition of hiring young men with good abs to stand shirtless at the door and "greet" customers. I assume they gave him that coat because it's cold out.

tea for all

@iceberg i believe he is a model employed by a&f to do exactly that (that being "go about like that in that shop").

fondue with cheddar

@iceberg I honestly looked at that photo for a full minute and couldn't decide if Mike was a real person or a very realistic mannequin. I'm still not convinced.

Nutellaface

@jen325 That's not the reason you looked at Mike for a full minute.

meganmaria

@iceberg Josie's Christmas wish is exactly my mom's Christmas wish. KEEP WISHING, LADIES!

fondue with cheddar

@Nutellaface He's cute and all, but I'm really not attracted to guys who look like their torsos are made of molded plastic like a Ken doll. Plus, I think I'm over my Mrs. Robinson phase (it was fun while it lasted).

Rachel Austin@facebook

@iceberg Actually my wish is for Mike to remain sans buttons. And maybe to drop by later.

elizabee

@iceberg We live near a shopping center with an A&F, and some of my favorite memories are from when my son was 3 to 4 years old and, during smoothie breaks, was absolutely obsessed with the models, who he called "nipple guys." "Mommy! Mommy! Do you see the nipple guy? He's RIGHT THERE. Why is he doing that? Why would he just stand there like that? Is he cold? Wait - where did he go? Mommy? Where's the nipple guy? Oh I think he's inside! I see a naked arm the color of his skin!" This is all much funnier in a 3-year-old accent, but it seems undignified to attempt to type in one.

monstrosity

@iceberg Mike: “I wish everybody could eat great dinners on Christmas night.”
Me: "OFF YOUR CHEST?!?"

angelinha

My holiday wish is a follow up on Phil & Summer.

RK Fire

@klibberfish: Yes! WHY AREN'T YOU TWO CRAZY KIDS TALKING TO EACH OTHER??

A backstory would also be nice.

ThatWench

@klibberfish I was just guessing that maybe they're brother & sister? Because otherwise, I feel really awkward on behalf of that whole conversation.

liznieve

I want to be a female version of Joe when I am his age. Not quite sure what the equivalent of his choice facial hair might be.

Katie Walsh

@liznieve ME TOO!

emilylou

@liznieve YES! Joe is my favorite. Maybe the female equivalent is just voluminous, long, snow white hair?

melis

Something tells me Carrie and Verdie aren't getting their wish this year.

sox
sox

@emilylouise Voluminous, long, snow white hair and Bold Red Lips!

Vicky

@liznieve BOUFFANT. BOUFFANT LIKE THE WIND.

Faintly Macabre

@melis I started imagining a whole backstory and squabble from that conversation. Like, "Why did you say romance? Aren't I romantic enough for you?" "Verdie, last Christmas you said we should cook our own damn turkey and stay home! You wouldn't even let me buy you new pants!" "Yeah, what's not romantic about that?"

melis

"And take off that damn veteran's cap. You didn't even serve. They wouldn't send you to Korea because of your flat feet. You bought that at a Saver's."

JessicaLovejoy

@melis Bought it? He found it on a park bench!

miwome

@emilylouise I think voluminous old-lady hair, but dyed some crazy color. Neon green, or somesuch.

Megasus

@liznieve I think it's having hair like Margaret Atwood

Alixana

No pressure, Josie's kids!

EpWs

@Alixana Yeeeesh, that one pissed me off. The only time that answer's acceptable is when her child/child-in-law is pregnant and due on December 26th and you want a Christmas baby. If your child isn't pregnant/married/in a long term relationship/ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE AFOREMENTIONED SCENARIO, leave it alone.

redheaded&crazy

@Alixana yep pretty sure that would be my mom right there too.

"I'm not saying GET PREGNANT ... just saying if you did ... well ... we'd take care of it for you!"

take care of it, in this context, does not refer to getting an abortion.

(I guess I should be thankful to have a solid family safety net. my holiday wish is that next year i'm less of an ungrateful brat ...)

sox
sox

@Alixana A friend of mine who got married last summer received a hardcover coffee table photo book of Babies From Around the World as an early Chanukkah gift from her mother last week. I thought she was kidding but she wasn't.

EpWs

@sox Oh wow.

redheaded&crazy

@sox well if she got married last summer what's taking her so long?

(even making this joke makes me feel like a jerk ... I AM KIDDING!!!)

EpWs

@redheadedandcrazy Everyone knows that the only purpose of children is to MAKE YOU A GRANDMOMMY/no one wants kids, only grandkids?

sox
sox

@redheadedandcrazy My understanding is that they were trying already but then she was so very moved by the photos that she decided she has to meet all these babies so they're now abstaining until they are able to visit every single one of them in person and deliver handmade gifts to their families.

allerby

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher @redheadedandcrazy
My mom is 45 and already badgering me about giving her grandbabies. I mean, honestly. Everytime we have a conversation about it I knock on wood SO. HARD.

EpWs

@allerby What? That is FOR CRAZY, YO. My mom's 58 (OH GOD HOW IS MY MOM THAT OLD THIS IS NOT ALLOWED) and to her unending credit, has out and out said that she will not be badgering me to make her some grandbabies, that she wants me to make whatever choices make me happy. I still have The Guilt, of course (not planning on having kids), but it's not coming from her. (Stupid internalized guilt nonsense grumble grumble grumble...)

GingerJane

@Alixana My mum said that like five years ago, and now she's changed her mind. And my GRANDAD is gagging for great-grandchildren and keeps harassing my mum about me and my brothers not having any....?

lalaladododo

@allerby My sister told me the other day that my mom was complaining to her about how I refuse to let guys buy me dinner no matter what (this isn't true) and so I will never get married and therefore will never give her grandkids... she also said that she has no hope for my brother or sister either. My sister is only seventeen! Poor kid.

redheaded&crazy

@lalaladododo my mom also had a spell the other week where, knowing that my sister most likely will not have children, she proclaimed she would "never" have grandchildren (thanks mom!) and therefore who cares what happens to the environment, she can consume all the materialistic products she wants, etc etc

dark days in the redheadedandcrazy clan my friends. dark days.

EpWs

@lalaladododo @redheadedandcrazy Damn, ladies. Dark days indeed.

Nutmeg

@redheadedandcrazy My grandma REALLY wants a great-grandchild and when her filter went she started saying things like, "Oh, they don't even have to be married first, young people just don't get married these days."

She forgets I'm related to my mom a lot and once she asked my mom how many grandchildren my mom had, to which I started panicking, "NONE! No grandchildren for this lady!!!"

Verity

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher My mum has said (normally when I am talking about how little I want children) that she knows grandchildren definitely aren't a right, and wouldn't pressure me. Thank goodness.

EpWs

@Verity High five, Verity's mum!

Muffin

@Verity How I wish I had your mother!

allerby

@lalaladododo @redheadedandcrazy @theeverpresentwordsnatcher Moms be drinking the crazy juice y'all! I do want kids someday. I'm 23 now though.... It's gonna be a hot minute, mom. My mom has been telling me that grand baby fever is genetically programmed. I just hope she didn't genetically program her crazy to me

Hot Doom

“I wish everybody could eat great dinners on Christmas night.” -Mike Abercrombie & Fitch.

I do too, Mike, I do too. I can't believe how much we already have in common!
::exeunt, with nervous, wheezy chuckles and beet red face yearning to be cooled against the marble of Mike's abs::

JessicaLovejoy

@LolaLaBalc I'm sorely vexed that they obviously cut out the part of the quote where he volunteers his abs as a table.

elysian fields

@JessicaLovejoy My Christmas wish is to eat a "great dinner" off of Mike's ab-table (and by great dinner, I mean whipped cream) (don't tell my boyfriend I said that)

Bebe

@elysian fields WAIT YOUR TURN! I'm first!! (and don't tell my husband I said that).

Lily Rowan

@JessicaLovejoy I'm just afraid they cut out the part where he meant that people like him can't eat great dinners due to having to maintain weight for work.... :(

marigny

I enjoyed this very much.

snuffleupagus

@marigny Ditto! More, please!

Barry Grant

@marigny
Me three. It's great to see all the different types of people and their outlooks. So homogenous here in CA.

elysian fields

@Barry Grant California is homogeneous? Are you living in the same state I'm from, or a bizarro version of it?

Barry Grant

@elysian fields
Err, my little seaside town is. Santa Cruz is lovely really but not exactly NYC.

Diana

@Barry Grant

I used to work at Camouflage when I lived in Santa Cruz and I can assure you, the variety and scope of people's secret Christmas wishes there is the opposite of homogenous. (Did you know about pony play? Don't Google it.)

teebs

I love this! Conor, I hope you get your baby :,)
And Phil and Summer, I see a solution for you. Unless you are related.

iceberg

@teebs haha exactly - Phil & Summer THE SOLUTION IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! (unless you're brother & sister?)

wee_ramekin

@iceberg Well, technically, right beside you.

backstagebethy

Also my holiday wish is now for Conor to have a baby.

Alixana

@backstagebethy Really hope Heath wants a baby too!

fondue with cheddar

Catrina (far right) and her family, C train

It sounds like Catrina's family is a band named C Train. Which would be awesome.

Ellie

@jen325 This was my favorite. They look like such a happy family! I always wished to stay a kid too.

fondue with cheddar

@Ellie They do! So many smiles. :) And the younger girl missing her front teeth is adorable.

I want to stay a kid too, but only if I can be autonomous.

yeah-elle

This makes me oddly sad. Is this one of those days? Aughhh

kayjay

@yeah-elle No, I felt it, too. I felt like I wanted to somehow give everyone everything thing they want, and then annoyed that I couldn't, and then sad that anybody should want for anything. Guh, fuck you, holidays, for making me feel feelings.

drunkennoodle

@yeah-elle me too. happy/sad and sad/sad. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed by humanity. So over holidays and their increased feelings-ness!

marisaissleepy

@yeah-elle WHY DID THIS MAKE ME CRY?!!!!?!?!?!?@?

kayjay

My wish? For Mike to put on a goddamn shirt. Really? Shirtless? WTF? And also, huh?

Inkling

I knooow. Was he raised in a barn or what?

joeks

@kayjay Yeah but he has abs so.

kayjay

@joeks This is where my weirdness comes out: Abs don't do anything for me. At all. I don't find them repulsive or anything, but they just...don't get me all lathered up. Plus, it's winter! Isn't he cold? I just can't get over that part of it!

D.@twitter

@kayjay Yeah, but he was at Abercrombie & Fitch, home of the douche-lords. One of them probably tithed Mike his shirt so he could have a double-popped collar, or something.

Hambulance

I thought Tenzin was Joe Zee...

hot dog princess

Ugh I hate that I find that A&F model attractive because I try not to buy into that "look ladies, I'm shirtless but I'm wearing glasses SO I'M NERDY I GUESS" thing but...he needs to stop being cute first.

alannaofdoom

@hot dog princess He's... wearing glasses?

wee_ramekin

@alannaofdoom Hahahaha, WOAH. He is. I totally didn't notice his face either...

kayjay

@hot dog princess See, I was so annoyed with his shirtlessness that I didn't even notice he was cute. Is it summer? Is he on the beach? Is he out for a run in Nevada? If the answer to all of those questions is no, put a shirt on! It's winter!

miwome

@kayjay Not his fault. A&F specifically pays people to hang out in their store like that.

kayjay

@miwome Are you for real? Do they really do that?

kayjay

@miwome Whoa. That was disturbing.

miwome

@kayjay I feel like it's even weirder through the eyes of a Brit.

kayjay

@miwome I'm speechless. I have no witty rejoinder. All I can say is, Ew.

Kimberly Drew

My holiday wish is for Phil and Summer to star in a hot new romantic comedy together!

fondue with cheddar

AWW, BORIS! You're the best. :)

Ellie

At first my heart leapt because I thought that he was at the Russian bath I went to on Coney Island in September, but it turns out that was a different one. My friends and I had literally the best experience in the world there meeting an older Russian guy from Tashkent who basically adopted us, took us through the bath, bought us mineral water, and took us to swim in the Atlantic ocean.

atipofthehat

@Ellie

He's at the Tenth Street Russian & Turkish Baths in Manhattan.

I miss the Russian Room. I am going back in the new year. (Hairpin Shvitzup on a coed day in late January, anyone? That would be funny!)

fondue with cheddar

@atipofthehat Shvitzup!

Ellie

@atipofthehat Mermaid Spa is the one I was at. I'm not the hugest banya fan (I hate being trapped in a hot room!) but my friend and fellow former Slavic student I went with loooooves it and it IS a fun experience to have. And Mermaid Spa was really nice, especially with our new friend.

Faintly Macabre

CAN I JOIN JOE'S FAMILY????

posturegirl

@Faintly Macabre Yes! Me too!

RK Fire

Also, Mahmoud: you're pulling at my heartstrings! I can relate to feeling homesick.

miwome

@RK Fire Mine too! He should go to Egypt with meeee, because I am going there. Emphasis on WITH ME.

lizzybeast

Scat! A combo scarf/hat is a scat! Not a harf! S-C-A-T. Everyone should wish for a scat, they are fantastic!

Faintly Macabre

@lizzybeast You can get them for free in the woods!

lizzybeast

@Faintly Macabre Yes but scats from the woods do not keep you warm and looking fashionable, and would probably make people stay far away from you if you wrapped them around your neck.

Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse

@lizzybeast it keeps people away?? sounds like a selling point to me...

Faintly Macabre

@lizzybeast Warmth is debatable--depends how fresh they are.

Everyone should wear a scat to their family gatherings!

lue
lue

@Faintly Macabre
Did anyone else sing that song at outdoor school, "Scat makes the world go 'round/the forest can't survive if it's not on the ground/so when I step in a lump of scat/I jump for joy and tell myself that's where it's at!"

martinipie

@lue YES. YES YES YES YES YES YESYESYESYESYES.

lue
lue

@lizzybeast
Coyote scat comes in a neat grey stick/if you look inside you'll get a kick

parallel-lines

Is anyone else bummed the lady with three kids wants to stay a kid?

iceberg

@parallel-lines I think it *is* the kid on the far right, not the mum?

parallel-lines

@iceberg Ah! That makes more sense.

oeditrix

@parallel-lines I think it's the little girl on the right that wants to stay a kid. At her age I would have wanted to be a teenager. She clearly has superior foresight.

elysian fields

@parallel-lines I'm 24 and I still wish I could stay a kid forever. Dead serious. Age 9 for eternity would be perfect.

Atheist Watermelon

@elysian fields as someone who is 32 but perpetually acts about 5, i can reassure you that i don't think anyone ever really grows up... we all just pretend we do :-)

whizz_dumb

That Mallory & Brooke photo is gooooood. I imagine that duffle bag Brooke's clutching is packed with stacks o' cash they just robbed from a bank and they know that acting cool is how not to get caught. It probably doesn't hurt to be so good looking either.

bangs
bangs

@whizz_dumb I loved all of the photos! I think they are very well done. I think in 20 years we will look back at them and be like, that was so 2011.

Nutellaface

I want to know what Jon and Claire's wishes are!

applestoapples

Joe drives that nice convertible because he hit it big in the stock market by stealing insider trading tips from his brother Nick's confidential stash of wish lists. They don't talk anymore, but every year Joe finds a huge pile of reindeer shit in the driveway of his townhouse in Greenwich.

Lemonnier

@applestoapples In Greenwich, only the poors live in attached housing. Joe clearly lives in a backcountry subdivision that used to be a horse farm.

applestoapples

@Lemonnier OR A REINDEER FARM

oatmealshrapnel

i love the last answer. i love it when they turn it around to be about the interviewer.
oh, and carrie and verdie...were they asked mid-fight or something?

wee_ramekin

My Christmas wish is for a pocket-sized Joe with the same size mustache he has in that picture.

wee_ramekin

@wee_ramekin And he would be singing what Saruman is singing in this video, on repeat, forever.

miwome

@wee_ramekin Aaaaaand I am dead.

wee_ramekin

@miwome "Tra-la-la-la-LA-la-la-la-la-la-lah, trololololo!" (I am really behind on my internet memes.)

fondue with cheddar

@wee_ramekin I totally forgot about Trololo guy! Thanks to you, I've had the song in my head all afternoon. You've made my Monday happy. :)

thebestjasmine

These are so sweet and sad and sweet. Conor wants a baby! The hot guy without a shirt wants...I don't know, I just looked at him for a long time. Joe with the mustache wants his family! Awww, I teared up a little.

Bebe

Sam, you are wise. And Joe, you are MAGNIFICENT. If I were your child/grandchild, I'd be there!

Faintly Macabre

Mike's gonna have to ask Jolie how to get nasty perfume smells out of his nice duffel coat.

Atheist Watermelon

@Faintly Macabre #1 reason why I have never entered an A&F. THE STENCH THAT PERMEATES YOUR BRAIN AS YOU WALK PAST THE STORE WHYYYYYYYYYYY

Lucienne

@Faintly Macabre My solution to this problem involves taking off the coat. And the pants. And never putting them back on. Where we're going, we won't need clothes.

Lily Rowan

I love these so much.

And lucky for Eddie the doorman, money should be in his near future!

HRH Your Cuntness

Arbi, I want to punch you in your throat. Also, is that a V for Victory or a two fingers up? Either way. Throat punching.

Phil, can't you see that Summer's cold! Offer her your sweatshirt and then when you guys part, tell her to keep it till next time! And then kiss her next time! Do I have to do all the work for you?

sox
sox

@HRH Your Cuntness He is secretly wishing for World Peace but he doesn't want Peggy to Judge Him.

HRH Your Cuntness

@sox He is secretly wishing for world peace but he broke his radius when he fell off his fixed-gear bike and now can't rotate his arm.

miwome

@HRH Your Cuntness They are SO OBVIOUSLY HINTING, come on, guys, just DO IT!

Says the lady who has zero legs to stand on on this front, exactly zero.

HRH Your Cuntness

@miwome I will not rest until Phil and Summer lovingly bone each other! COME ON, KIDS!

Atheist Watermelon

@HRH Your Cuntness HE'S CARRYING A MURSE!! A MAN PURSE!!!!!!!! i think that just about says it all.

allerby

I'm so glad this was posted; it's lovely. It covered such a wide spectrum of holiday sentiment without being saccharine or cheeky. Thank you Jon and Claire!

Hellcat

My wish is that my nearby coworker would either finish completely or just f-ing close the bag of gourmet holiday popcorn that sounds simultaneously cartoonishly crunchy and disgustingly wet when being nonstop shoved by the handful into an open mouth for a long, long, ohmygodsoooooooooooolong, long time... a mouth that doesn't close when it is being used to chew. Wet sounds. All day.

bonnbee

I haven't been in the holiday spirit this year, and this really made me feel very holiday/Christmassy/happy! Thanks, Hairpin! I want to have all these nice people over to my house for dinner, minus the grumpy hipsters who don't believe in holiday spirit.

I'd hand out a baby to Heath and Conor, a bottle of wine to the cute old couple who wants romance, a bone to the puppy, a plane ticket to the guy who wants to go see his fam in Egypt, and a goddamn shirt to that naked model guy. Then we'll all drink hot chocolate and be friends forever!

miwome

@bonnbee In honor of Xmas spirit, I have allowed this post to tip me over into starting the cider-drinking portion of my day a wee bit early. It's only 4.8%, whatever.

Lyesmith

Not gonna lie, I cried a little.
...
Okay, I cried a fair amount.

Chloe Zoidberg Harrison@facebook

I believe I once saw Arbi at the MET. He was criticizing people's outfits in an unbelievably snide way. No, I'm not kidding.

wee_ramekin

@Chloe Zoidberg Harrison@facebook Fucking Arbi, man. Ya know? Why he even gotta do a thing?

Also, I hate that he spells his name with an 'i' instead of a 'y' as God clearly intended.

Thanks for ruining Christmas Arbi. You smug fuck.

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@Chloe Zoidberg Harrison@facebook He was probably just jealous that they could find hats that fit.

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I really enjoyed this (especially "world peace"). Thanks, you guys!

wee_ramekin

@ru_ri I kind of thought that was a dick answer. I interpreted it as this police officer in riot gear beating up American citizens being flippant and rude when asked the question. Is that because my heart is black and cold?

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@wee_ramekin
My response to that was similarly "pffffft", as it always is with a cop in riot gear.

contrary

Take off that hat, ARBI, you look stupid.

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@contrary In this context, I like to pretend that ARBI is not a hipster juicebox with no holiday spirit, but rather a piece of IKEA furniture. Perhaps a three-legged stool?

wee_ramekin

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher A two-legged stool. That's all he's good for.

EpWs

@wee_ramekin That's what the two fingers stand for! Brilliant!

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i bet that tenzen doesn't have cramps or stress.

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I too wish for Conor to have a baby! I knew he wanted a baby before i even read it! I'd help, but maybe he should ask Josie's daughter, probably...

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I absolutely loved this piece, Hairpin. Way to go! It made me feel downright festive.

Verity

... why is Arbi sticking two fingers up at the camera? Does he think that little of holiday wishes?

HRH Your Cuntness

I'm still really kind of irrationally angry at Arbi for that juicebox answer. Arbi is totally Scrooge, only not the Scrooge who is confronted with his own crippling mortality and goes around handing out Christmas geese to people. And he's not Bill Murray in Scrooged because he isn't nearly that cool. He's like a Scrooge that drops dead somewhere in between Marley's ghost and The Ghost of Christmas Past and then we spend the next two hundred pages talking about how to cook the Christmas goose, which is what I wish A Christmas Carol had been more like.

Inkling

@HRH Your Cuntness
Is Arbi a Person We Should Know, or is there just a lot of hatred going on at him right now due to his answer? Or both?

HRH Your Cuntness

@Inkcrafter I don't think he's a person we should know. He's just Grinchy and looks like an idiot and it's the holidays, so we need to hate someone.

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@HRH Your Cuntness I hate him tooooo.

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Hi. Merry Christmas everyone!
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Hi. Merry Christmas everyone!
I am a 37 years old man, rich and strong,but still single ... now I am seeking a good woman who can give me real love , so i got a username Jason2011 on --CasualLoving dot c'0m--.it is the first and safe place for people who wanna to start a short-term relationship.... maybe you wanna check it out or tell your friends, seriously ! no bounds or limits in front of true love!
++++++Life is short. Enjoy yourself.

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This tugged my heartstrings!!

Also I love how shirtless model was all "I'm also a sensitive dude".

adminslave

I really enjoyed this article. When I read it the other day, I instantly knew that my wish for this holiday was for my brother's cat, who had just been given a pretty bad diagnosis (at only ten) to make it for a couple pain free weeks so that I could visit her before she died. And then, just this morning, I found out she passed. Sorry for the downer, but I'm assuming everyone has stopped reading this article by now anyway. I've had a couple of friends lose close family members in the last couple months, it was just the fifteenth anniversary of my mother's death, and lately I have been hoping something really good would happen. My close friend is due in March, so I've been telling her that her baby will be the good thing that will turn everything around, and start off 2012 right...

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I hope so! I lost a cat this year, too. Ready for 2012!

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This made me think of what I would wish for, which turns out to be the same thing I was wishing for 30 years ago.....peace in my heart and soul.

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Hello MAHMOUD. Yow. I'd go to Egypt with you. And, I am skeptical that those riot cops want world peace; what would they do for a living then?

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