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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

78

Things Bethea Has Offered Me Recently

At some point while signing up for a website that needed proof I was over 21, I entered my birthday as a random day in the 1920s. It was my great good luck that the website then gave my contact information to a woman named Bethea.

November 15
The Precious Seven Princely Frogs of Luck Bracelet, 5 installments of $24.95
Dear EDITH, If you're like me, you probably grew up hearing the lovely tale about a pretty princess who kissed a frog. Upon receiving the kiss of the princess, the frog turned into a handsome prince and they lived happily ever after in a life of royal luxury. I'll bet you never thought you could actually be living the life of that princess, but I'm going to share something with you that could actually make that very life of luxury come true for you.

November 20
The Three Wise Men, Fu, Lu, and Shou, 4 installments of $19.99
The truth is, I am typing as fast as I can but cannot type nearly fast enough to keep up with my thoughts and my great excitement for you. If only you were right here in front of me and I could just tell you about what I’ve found for you in person, then see your radiant smile as it spreads from ear to ear. This is what you have wanted, your chance for everything you’ve wanted, all that you so richly deserve and have waited so long for. ... Just send for your 3 very own Wise Men, EDITH. Then, prepare to live a life of great contentment, abundance and fulfillment.

November 21
The Golden Spinner, 5 payments of $29.95
EDITH, when I looked over your charts once more, I was hit with a strong sense of someone who has not yet realized the dreams of childhood. Your life, which began on May 26th, 1923 in , has pointed to me that you will have an extraordinary wealth destiny. The Gold Spinner is a spectacular jewel of geometry, it brings the centrifuge of infinite power spinning your 88 years into pure golden wealth designed to echo the movement of a spinning wheel. Fairy tales and mythology are crammed with references to spinning as a symbol of what you can achieve in combination with destiny.

November 26
The Angelic Vessel of Wishes & Dreams, $39.95
EDITH, I was visiting with a close friend of mine the other day when she suddenly said, "I always feel so calm and happy around you ... I think it's because you have such an incredibly soothing glow about you." I thanked her for saying such a lovely thing, but then I told her that I couldn't honestly take all the credit. And then I explained that I had recently begun to meditate on the Archangel Gabriel, trying to gain the help I needed to overcome some recent problems. With the help of Gabriel and the connective power of a very special talisman, I had found my way to serenity, success and the answer to my wishes and dreams for wealth.

November 29
Golden Glyphs of Good Fortune Watch, 5 installments of $29.95
Dear EDITH, When searching for new and extraordinary talismans for you, I find myself researching a great deal of resources in order to find just the right magical element that will bring you the most happiness in life. ... So with all of my research on the beliefs and ways of the ancient Egyptians, I have come up with a powerful talisman that has the ability within its ancient symbols to transform your life, making it the best it could possibly be. I'm speaking of the Golden Glyphs of Good Fortune Watch.

December 2
Golden Keychain of Success, $19.95
Dear EDITH, I was thinking about two amazing powers that are key to having luck and success that leads to the ability to attract riches beyond your wildest dreams. I'm speaking of Talismans and Angels. ... So when I recently came upon a Talisman that featured a Golden Angel, you can just imagine how thrilled I was because of its profound double whammy of power to draw abundant luck and riches to you. I dearly wish for you to have this Talisman in your possession in time for the Last Quarter Moon on December 17th.

December 6
Archangel Michael Medallion, 4 installments of $19.95
Dear EDITH, I often get chills down my spine when someone tells me about a birth coincidence like yours. This is because when I learned you were born in on May 26, 1923, I realized you are one of the people who could use the amazing "Angelic Key" I discovered (a medallion with mysterious ancient symbols and incredible power) made of pure 18 karat Gold and pure Sterling Silver, to open a "Portal" to The Archangel Michael.

December 8
Exceptionally Rare Buddhas, $44.95
As I said before EDITH, I want to share the secrets and benefits of Feng Shui with you so you can transform your life. Normally, these exceptionally rare Buddhas would cost significantly more, but, because you are a friend of Bethea's, I want you to have my Buddha Family of Wealth for a very low, special price of just $44.95, which is actually a savings for you of 40%.

December 11
Secret Wisdoms of the 7 Angels Bracelet, $29.95
EDITH, I'm sure that very recently you have been feeling less than satisfied with life, and what's going on in the world. You wish you could change your luck...find new love (or have love return to your life)... you wish you could reach peace of mind free from money and health problems. That is why, EDITH, when I came across this bracelet, with the Secret Wisdoms of the 7 Angels, my thoughts immediately crossed to you.

December 13
The Amber Sun, 5 installments of $24.95
EDITH, AFTER 88 YEARS ON PLANET EARTH, ON December 24th IT WILL FINALLY BE TIME FOR YOU TO CLAIM YOUR PLACE IN THE SUN. So now it's up to you, EDITH: I hope you choose to walk in the light with the lovely Amber Sun Pendant. Remember, December 24th is just around the corner and by tapping into the intense planetary vibrations of that date you will open up new and unimaginably wonderful vistas in your life!
Your friend,
Bethea

78 Comments / Post A Comment

rootmarm

That frog bracelet is amazing.

ormaisonogrande

@rootmarm yeah, I was just coming down to say that I actually kind of want that thing.

Katie Scarlett

@ormaisonogrande I would totally wear that and also that [Golden Glyphs of Good Fortune] watch.

itmakesmewonder

@rootmarm It looks like something I'd covet in the back of the New Yorker where the tiny ads are.

ReginaSavage

@rootmarm I have to have that frog bracelet! I collect frog jewlery because "Frog" is actually my husband's nickname so its actually quite appropriate. So cute! <3 the wee froggies!

paperbuttons

@rootmarm yes to frogs!

LlamaLlama

@rootmarm Yes me too. I really want it. Not 5 installments of $24.95 want it, though. :(

Bebe

Um, Edith? I think maybe she's threatening you. I mean this:

EDITH, AFTER 88 YEARS ON PLANET EARTH, ON December 24th IT WILL FINALLY BE TIME FOR YOU TO CLAIM YOUR PLACE IN THE SUN. So now it's up to you, EDITH

is not a normal thing to say, unless you are about to smite someone. Be careful!!

City_Dater

@Bebe

Or she's predicting the death of 88-year-old Edith and REALLY REALLY wants her to have an Amber Sun Pendant before she walks in[to] the light...

nyikint

@Bebe EDITH, to protect you against the grasping clutches of the Sun, I can offer you an amulet made by a Javanese occult sect for $23.95. I can prove it works because I'm still alive at 89 years old. EDITH. Your immeasurable wealth is just around the corner - you just have to get there alive. I know you can do it!

SarahP

@Bebe Yeah, that was terrifying!

Bebe

@City_Dater It's even creepier if you read it in the voice of that exorcist lady from Poltergeist, as I did.

atipofthehat

@Bebe

We love a Tangina.

Vera Knoop

@Bebe I was just coming down here to say this. Be careful, EDITH!

Emby

Uhhhhhhhhhh Edith. I think Bethea plans to kill you, possibly via burning, on Christmas Eve. Keep an eye out, k?

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

@Emby She could probs protect herself with the Golden Spinner

Edith Zimmerman

@Emby Oh def, what I forgot to add to this post was BYE! I have sincerely enjoyed being part of this site!

atipofthehat

@Edith Zimmerman

NO EDITH
THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME
STAY WITH US
STAY WITH US
OPEN YOUR EYES
AND ALL WILL BE WELL

toastercat

Is she telling you you're going to DIE in a week and a half??
"EDITH, AFTER 88 YEARS ON PLANET EARTH, ON December 24th IT WILL FINALLY BE TIME FOR YOU TO CLAIM YOUR PLACE IN THE SUN. So now it's up to you, EDITH: I hope you choose to walk in the light..."

This reminds me of the time I was on the bus with my roommate, where a rambling crazy man told her she looked like a "beautiful Julia Stiles, with glasses," but got positively enraged by my "negative aura." :(

Knows The Spanish Panic

@toastercat At least your aura has 20/20

toastercat

@Knows The Spanish Panic I like you. You're hired for witty repartees. The pay is cookies and the benefits are entertaining bus scenes. When can you start?

Knows The Spanish Panic

@toastercat For cookies and amusing bus conversations? Yesterday!

backstagebethy

She really seems to have your best interests at heart, which is nice.

JessicaLovejoy

@backstagebethy She seems like she really wants to eat your heart once she's murdered you, which is nice.

backstagebethy

@JessicaLovejoy Haha well till the last one she's all "I found this talisman just for you!" and "Because you're a friend you can have this for only $44.95!" She doesn't go crazy till the last item.

atipofthehat

Look at the golden spinner, Edith...
Concentrate on the sparkling golden spinner...
Relax as you watch the sparkling golden spinner slowly turn...

Jolly Farton

but if Bethea was really so wise, wouldn't she have hired a better web designer? come on Bethea, what the hell is that

also "If only you were right here in front of me and I could just tell you about what I’ve found for you in person, then see your radiant smile as it spreads from ear to ear." Bethea......... this friendship is getting uncomfortable for me, Bethea.

Katie Scarlett

@lilly pilgrim I think Bethea is crushin' hard. Spelling EDITH in all upper case letters makes her sound all the more crazed. "EDITH! I IMPLORE YOU TO BUY THIS CHAIN OF TOADS TO WEAR ABOUT YOUR SUPPLE WRIST, EDITH!"

PistolPackinMama

@lilly pilgrim If Bethea is so wise, how does she not know that EDITH is not, in fact, 88?

And how can she want to eat the heart of a LYING LIAR like EDITH??

nyikint

@AnthroK8 Maybe she does, and this is an elaborate plot to scare Edith?

... And THAT's why you always tell the truth.

Jolly Farton

@Katie Scarlett she seems to have done her research, too - a lot of these sound like something Edith would write, albeit "ironically"..... Edith she's reading you EDITH

@AnthroK8 how do you know Edith isn't 88

deepomega

So you got the cubic zirconium vortex, right?

MALLROY

I can't stop picturing that woman screaming your name. EDITH! THE BUDDHAS! SO RARE! PLEASE! EEEEDITH.

ejcsanfran

BETHEA: Biding Edith's Time, Hoping Edith's Alive.

atipofthehat

@ejcsanfran

More thumbs to up, please!

leastimportantperson

I just think it's nice that someone is really keeping an eye out for talismans EDITH can use in her everyday life.

leastimportantperson

@leastimportantperson Like I don't know. I tell my friends, my coworkers, random people on the street, "Please email me regarding any talismans you think I should know about." But then they never do? Or maybe they misheard my email address? Or they mistyped it maybe? All I know is, I haven't heard anything yet, and it's making me nervous walking around with no talismans every day. I might as well be naked, you know?

atipofthehat

@leastimportantperson

If I find any, amulet you know.

ejcsanfran

@atipofthehat: HA! What a charming response.

atipofthehat

@ejcsanfran

Ankh if you love magic!

Craftastrophies

@atipofthehat But how do you know witch one to pick?

leastimportantperson

@Craftastrophies Just see which one crucifixes your aura.

Craftastrophies

@leastimportantperson What are you rabbit footing on about?

atipofthehat

@Craftastrophies

Always after me locket charms!

Craftastrophies

@atipofthehat But I always manage to bangle it up.

Vera Knoop

@Craftastrophies Trinket away with your other sorrows!

Craftastrophies

@Vera Knoop You guys just have such a knick knack for this!

diesel_vontrapp

This is hilarious, obvi, but also gives me slight anxiety/depression as I contemplate the sorts of people who might actually purchase these items.

HeyThatsMyBike

@diesel_vontrapp I know. This must be what happens to those compulsive-shopper old ladies on Hoarders.

RocketSurgeon

I looked at the frog bracelet and was excited for another installment of the antique jewelry feature. The ~$850 for this stuff could buy a lovely old necklace...

Alice Prin

"the intense planetary vibrations of that date you will open up new and unimaginably wonderful vistas in your life!"

..Such as the wonderful vista in which you apparently die?

SarahP

I almost wish I had the job of finding these gaudy things and ascribing mystical properties to them.

"Bagel with Hair and Googly Eyes Glued to It, $24.95
EDITH, this lovely statuette takes the shape of a nourishing substance once relished by the Ancient Hebrews. Its sturdy circular form represents the circle of Everlasting Life, with the googly eyes of the Almighty watching over and protecting us all. Each strand of hair represents an Angel; bound together in the ethereal pigtails, they join in the choir of the Seraphim! I thought of you immediately when I found it: may it grant you everlasting, yeasty life!"

Myrtle

@SarahP I went ahead and sent it to you COD, because I had a feeling it was meant for you! (I just wanted to play too; yours is genius.)

sandwiches

@SarahP *crying with laughter*

frigwiggin

"Dammit, Elaine, it's finally time for me to claim my place in the sun! Just give me $125 to send to this Bethea woman, don't be selfish! It's not my fault new and unimaginably wonderful vistas are being opened up in my life and not yours, Elaine!"

frigwiggin

@figwiggin Oh my god you guys, Catalog Living caption contest! We got this.

mollyringworm

@figwiggin I feel like I haven't weighed in on Gary and Elaine's life for far too long.

Bebe

I will give her this much, since it is the Christmas season - Fu, Lu, and Shou are a hell of a lot easier to remember than the Christian biblical wise men's names. (Bartleby, Melancholia, and Shemp, right?)

ejcsanfran

@Bebe: Um, no - they were named Nasdaq, Tilapia and Seconal.

PistolPackinMama

@ejcsanfran No no. I am pretty sure it's Shadrach, Mishac, and Abednego. AKA Mike D, Ad-Rock, and MCA.

Or maybe Paxil, Zoloft, and Celaxcil? Or are they superheros?

Bebe

@AnthroK8 OK, wait - then who are Bel, Biv, and Devoe?

frigwiggin

@Bebe I thought it was Alvin, Simon, and Theodore! Theodore brought the myrrh, right?

HydrogenJukebox

Stop it. All of you.

I am laughing obscenely at my desk and I keep making these little squeaky noises trying not to.

P.S. I think the Angelic Vessel of Wishes & Dreams is actually a small container of bubbles. Or at least I would hope it is.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@HydrogenJukebox I thought maybe it was a really tiny, elegant flask. For those days when your aura just isn't enough to get you through the day.

parallel-lines

Don't worry, Edith, I signed you up for Walter Drake, Fingerhut, Miles Kimball, and Lillian Vernon. There's lots more of this coming your way!

ejcsanfran

@parallel-lines: I've always thought the merchandise offered in a catalog called "Fingerhut" should be a lot different than it actually is. A LOT different...

Myrtle

This type of advertising preys on the vulnerable and is so shameless that it must be the work of a sociopath. I mean, look at that damn frog bracelet... look at it... want it...

Abraxas

I think the Golden Keychain of Success would be more tempting if when I lost my keys, the angel would fly them back to me on her golden wings trumpeting in triumph on her wee horn.....

carolita

damn, you look good for 88, Edith! ;)

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

I hate to get all nit-picky here, Bethea, but there shouldn't really be a link between angels and astrology. You're an astrologer - didn't the planets tell you that astrology isn't quite kosher in Christianity? Where's this Angel stuff coming from? Like literally, where, and why aren't the world's churches all filled with keys to unlock archangel things?

descie

So that's what I'm missing by not entering my real email on forms! What have I missed out on?!

turnipcake

Can this be a new feature? Friday Bargain Bin, astrologist/fortune teller/ internet spammer edition?

planforamiracle

So I know this is goofy and borderline creepy, but I actually kinda like the way this woman writes! It reminds me of Susan Miller on Astrology Zone (which I obviously read religiously, especially when I'm at work..)
She always writes things like "Venus in Capricorn and Mars in Virgo, two earth signs like yours, will be in ideal position to help you enjoy yourself to the fullest. ... These are gold-star days for you, so do something! Have fun!"
And it's just so darn cute. I guess I am susceptible to the charms of anonymous internet people.

ted
ted

@planforamiracle
cool read my post below, you will like it too!

wee_ramekin

Okay, I feel stupid, but I can't tell if this is stuff Bethea has actually written, or if EDITH wrote it Bethea-style. Either way, it's hilarious.

Can someone shed some light in this poor, dim lil' ramekin's direction?

Edith Zimmerman

@wee_ramekin Haha. Bethea! Bethea emails me every day!!

ted
ted

I have had my daily and weekly forecast sent to me by Bethea for 3 years now.
I gotta tell you that her forecasts have been bang on. She sent me a Medallion for Health wealth and happiness, my life was flawless after I got it. I had lost it a month ago and all hell has broken loose lately. I ordered a medallion from her, for luck, about a year and a half ago, she mentioned that good fortune in a win fall would come with it. WELL the DAY IT ARRIVED by UPS I bought 4 scratch off tickets and I won $50,000.00 and I am NOT lying, look it up Nov 24, 2011, OLG Ontario Canada winners for that day. I also had a long run of wins at a local casino after that, winning several jackpots of approximately $700.00 to $1600.00 each. I was also winning at PRO Line betting NHL Hockey, $11,793.60. on one ticket alone, and many other $500.00 plus winners.

Be a non believer and just look for flaws, and that is just what you will get. Look for the positives, that is what you will get. Her lucky weekly numbers have worked out well for me, but you have to find out where they work for you, look around, the answers will come to you, but you have to do some work to find all the answers. I found my lucky numbers worked on Daily Keno, my numbers come up on a regular basis. There is a pattern in her weekly numbers so be wise, look for a pattern.
Laugh if you will, I do believe in her forecast, Don't buy everything she tries to sell you, deep inside you will know what items to buy, buy it for fun, you may just be surprised. I have not bought any frogs or crap like that, for me, special medallions is my forte.

I do not work for Bethea either, I am just a loyal customer that reaps the luck from her weekly forecasts. Don't read it ver- bet-em, just find what she means by what she writes. Try it!
Good luck people, I have more stories but I am sure I will have some negative feedback to answer first.
Cheers!

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