1. Real talk, ladies. Is your man racist?
Sinterklaas: No way! He has a black friend! (Inasmuch as an unpaid servant made to dress in cartoonish pantaloons can be thought of as “a friend.”)
Santa Claus: No way! He's "making it rain [toys and glad tidings]" over everyone, regardless of race.
Who is less of a scrub? ME, because I don’t even see color so what is race, I don’t understand this question.
2. Ladies. Even though you are all Independent Women (Parts I & II), it’s still nice to have a man who, like the T.I. to your Tameka “Tiny” Cottle, will buy you Whatever You Li[iiii]ke. How good is your man at ~*~celebrating you~*~ via the conferment of material goods?
Sinterklaas: He’s okay. His M.O. is to stuff your shoes full of small trinkets and sweets (a number of which, according online sources, appear to include almond paste. Hope you like almond paste), and put them by your door.
Santa Claus: BOSS. AS. HELL. Anything you want, it’s yours. You want a new puppy? Take a look at what’s waiting for you in a basket underneath your Christmas tree. You want a random orange that actually you don’t want? Well why don’t you reach into the toe of that oversized stocking, little lady (LADIES!), and see what you pull out. You want Joe Biden, need Joe Biden? No problem, girl! Whatever you like!
Who is less of a scrub? Imagine this winter scene; it’ll nearly be like a picture print by Currier & Ives: you wake up on December 6 and start going about your morning like it’s just another Tuesday. Maybe you’re running late because you’re a little hungover from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills viewing and boozing party you hosted last night. Maybe you’re on top of your game and rushing around simply because breakneck is the pace of today’s modern world. Whatever the situation, you slide into your shoes before dashing out the door (cute shoes, ladies!) and OHWHATTHEWHATTHEWHAT?! Almond paste all over your new black tights! Almond paste all between your toes! Almond paste all EVERYWHERE because who leaves delicate pastries full of almond paste in your shoes and doesn’t make a big deal about it or even mention it casually? Sinterklaas. Santa Claus.
3. According to legend, what is the very worst thing your man has ever done to a child?
Sinterklaas: Put him in a sack and taken him back to Spain.
Santa Claus: Left him dirty coal instead of the ten thousand presents he was promised.
Who is less of a scrub? Oh, pity, the poor children of Europe, being taken on unexpected Mediterranean holidays. Let us pray for them in their sun-drenched hour of need. PLEASE. We should be so lucky as to be naughty Dutch children, all of us! Sinterklaas.
4. Oh, hey, ladies, I couldn’t help but notice your man’s Ralph Lauren polo shirt with an oversized rugby-player patch and also his Continental air. From what mysterious foreign land does Your Man hail?
Sinterklaas: He’s from Spain! He lives next door to Javier Bardem’s uncle.
Santa Claus: He’s from the North Pole! He knew Will Ferrell before he got older and moved to New York.
Who is less of a scrub? Your Man is not from the North Pole, ladies. He is lying. Sinterklaas.
5. Okay, ladies. Let’s list the qualities that most matter to you in a man. He’s gotta be funny, right? Funny and smart. Kind. Honest. Respectful. Charitable. Humble. Oh, man, it didn’t even occur to you bring up looks because looks aren’t important to you. You’re such a great person! But now that we’ve thrown that out on the table — who brought it up, anyway? Maybe you? I don’t know, ladies, I don’t know — WHAT DOES YOUR MAN LOOK LIKE?
Sinterklaas: “Sinterklaas is an elderly, stately and serious man with white hair and a long, full beard. He wears a long red cape or chasuble over a traditional white bishop's alb and sometimes red stola, dons a red mitre, and holds a gold-coloured crosier, a long ceremonial shepherd's staff with a fancy curled top and also has a ruby ring.”
Santa Claus: “Santa Claus is generally depicted as a portly, joyous, white-bearded man wearing a red coat with white collar and cuffs, white-cuffed red trousers, and black leather belt and boots.”
Who is less of a scrub? Who wrote that Sinterklaas Wikipedia entry? Tim Gunn? Dan Brown? Listen, ladies, I will be the first to admit it’s kind of weird that Your Man carries around a shepherd’s staff for no reason — the Renaissance Faire isn’t special if you live every day like it’s the Renaissance Faire, you know? But he sounds sort of cute in that Sophisticated, Stately, and Serious Man way. Certainly better than some joker with a beer gut rocking a red velour Juicy Couture sweatsuit. Sinterklaas.
6. Hey, Ladies, so we’re trying to coordinate this holiday get-together and it’s really complicated because Ben doesn’t want to cook and Leah has to eat something vegan, and my company party is on a Wednesday this year … basically it’s a logistical nightmare. Can you let me know, definitively, the dates your man will be in town so I can make a reservation?
Sinterklaas: He plans to arrive sometime around mid-November (probably a Saturday, but not necessarily) and kick around for a few weeks, schmoozing. Things won’t really POP OFF!!! until December 5. He’ll leave sometime the next day.
Santa Claus: He’ll fly in for one night, December 24, and will leave before sunrise.
Who is less of a scrub? Seriously, ladies? “Mid-November?” You can’t, like, nail him down on a date? He’s just gonna hang around Spain waiting to see if a better offer materializes, then mosey on over if he doesn’t have anything better to do? Your man is so rude. Santa Claus.
7. Trains, Planes, Automobiles … everyone’s preferred method of travel is different. How does your man like to get from Point A to Point B and back again?
Santa Claus: Magical Flying Sleigh.
Who is less of a scrub? Guess what, ladies? No one’s preferred method of travel is steamboat. Maybe your man is embarrassed he doesn’t have a driver’s license. Maybe he’s trying to do a sort of whimsical throwback thing because he thinks having one personality trait — “quirky!” — is the same thing as having a fully-fledged personality. Whatever the case may be, while you and Your Man are sloshing through grey seas on a sad, doomed Poseidon Adventure, Santa Claus is feeling so Fly Like a G6. Santa Claus.
8. Is your man married?
Sinterklaas: No. Just another lonely Spaniard.
Santa Claus: Yes! Her name is Jessica, but you may call her “Mrs. Claus.”
Who is less of a scrub? Straight, no chaser, ladies: I’m not here to judge, but I want you to think about the choices you are making. Sinterklaas.
9. Is your man stalking you?
Sinterklaas: He sees you when you’re sleeping…
Santa Claus: He knows when you’re awake…
Who is less of a Scrub: He’s climbin’ in your windows, snatchin’ your people up! LADIES! THIS IS NOT NORMAL.
Is Your Man a Scrub:
Santa Claus: Yes!
Ladies! If your man is forever creeping on you, writing down all your minor transgressions in a Big Secret Book, and threatening to withhold (or force upon you?!) all manner of presents including but not limited to wintertime jaunts to Spain, that is a deal breaker! He is a scrub!
Previously: Davy Crockett vs. Daniel Boone.
Caity Weaver is available for hire as a personal scrubs consultant, or as anything, please, please hire her. This is her Twitter.