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Thursday, December 22, 2011

40

Is Your Man a Scrub? Sinterklaas vs. Santa Claus

1. Real talk, ladies. Is your man racist?

Sinterklaas: No way! He has a black friend! (Inasmuch as an unpaid servant made to dress in cartoonish pantaloons can be thought of as “a friend.”)
Santa Claus: No way! He's "making it rain [toys and glad tidings]" over everyone, regardless of race.
Who is less of a scrub? ME, because I don’t even see color so what is race, I don’t understand this question.

2. Ladies. Even though you are all Independent Women (Parts I & II), it’s still nice to have a man who, like the T.I. to your Tameka “Tiny” Cottle, will buy you Whatever You Li[iiii]ke. How good is your man at ~*~celebrating you~*~ via the conferment of material goods?

Sinterklaas: He’s okay. His M.O. is to stuff your shoes full of small trinkets and sweets (a number of which, according online sources, appear to include almond paste. Hope you like almond paste), and put them by your door.
Santa Claus: BOSS. AS. HELL. Anything you want, it’s yours. You want a new puppy? Take a look at what’s waiting for you in a basket underneath your Christmas tree. You want a random orange that actually you don’t want? Well why don’t you reach into the toe of that oversized stocking, little lady (LADIES!), and see what you pull out. You want Joe Biden, need Joe Biden? No problem, girl! Whatever you like!
Who is less of a scrub? Imagine this winter scene; it’ll nearly be like a picture print by Currier & Ives: you wake up on December 6 and start going about your morning like it’s just another Tuesday. Maybe you’re running late because you’re a little hungover from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills viewing and boozing party you hosted last night. Maybe you’re on top of your game and rushing around simply because breakneck is the pace of today’s modern world. Whatever the situation, you slide into your shoes before dashing out the door (cute shoes, ladies!) and OHWHATTHEWHATTHEWHAT?! Almond paste all over your new black tights! Almond paste all between your toes! Almond paste all EVERYWHERE because who leaves delicate pastries full of almond paste in your shoes and doesn’t make a big deal about it or even mention it casually? Sinterklaas. Santa Claus.

3. According to legend, what is the very worst thing your man has ever done to a child?

Sinterklaas: Put him in a sack and taken him back to Spain.
Santa Claus: Left him dirty coal instead of the ten thousand presents he was promised.
Who is less of a scrub? Oh, pity, the poor children of Europe, being taken on unexpected Mediterranean holidays. Let us pray for them in their sun-drenched hour of need. PLEASE. We should be so lucky as to be naughty Dutch children, all of us! Sinterklaas.

4. Oh, hey, ladies, I couldn’t help but notice your man’s Ralph Lauren polo shirt with an oversized rugby-player patch and also his Continental air. From what mysterious foreign land does Your Man hail?

Sinterklaas: He’s from Spain! He lives next door to Javier Bardem’s uncle.
Santa Claus: He’s from the North Pole! He knew Will Ferrell before he got older and moved to New York.
Who is less of a scrub? Your Man is not from the North Pole, ladies. He is lying. Sinterklaas.

5. Okay, ladies. Let’s list the qualities that most matter to you in a man. He’s gotta be funny, right? Funny and smart. Kind. Honest. Respectful. Charitable. Humble. Oh, man, it didn’t even occur to you bring up looks because looks aren’t important to you. You’re such a great person! But now that we’ve thrown that out on the table — who brought it up, anyway? Maybe you? I don’t know, ladies, I don’t know — WHAT DOES YOUR MAN LOOK LIKE?

(Courtesy Wikipedia)
Sinterklaas: “Sinterklaas is an elderly, stately and serious man with white hair and a long, full beard. He wears a long red cape or chasuble over a traditional white bishop's alb and sometimes red stola, dons a red mitre, and holds a gold-coloured  crosier, a long ceremonial shepherd's staff with a fancy curled top and also has a ruby ring.”
Santa Claus: “Santa Claus is generally depicted as a portly, joyous, white-bearded man wearing a red coat with white collar and cuffs, white-cuffed red trousers, and black leather belt and boots.”
Who is less of a scrub? Who wrote that Sinterklaas Wikipedia entry? Tim Gunn? Dan Brown? Listen, ladies, I will be the first to admit it’s kind of weird that Your Man carries around a shepherd’s staff for no reason — the Renaissance Faire isn’t special if you live every day like it’s the Renaissance Faire, you know? But he sounds sort of cute in that Sophisticated, Stately, and Serious Man way.  Certainly better than some joker with a beer gut rocking a red velour Juicy Couture sweatsuit. Sinterklaas.

6. Hey, Ladies, so we’re trying to coordinate this holiday get-together and it’s really complicated because Ben doesn’t want to cook and Leah has to eat something vegan, and my company party is on a Wednesday this year … basically it’s a logistical nightmare. Can you let me know, definitively, the dates your man will be in town so I can make a reservation?

Sinterklaas: He plans to arrive sometime around mid-November (probably a Saturday, but not necessarily) and kick around for a few weeks, schmoozing. Things won’t really POP OFF!!! until December 5. He’ll leave sometime the next day.
Santa Claus: He’ll fly in for one night, December 24, and will leave before sunrise.
Who is less of a scrub? Seriously, ladies? “Mid-November?” You can’t, like, nail him down on a date? He’s just gonna hang around Spain waiting to see if a better offer materializes, then mosey on over if he doesn’t have anything better to do? Your man is so rude. Santa Claus.

7. Trains, Planes, Automobiles … everyone’s preferred method of travel is different. How does your man like to get from Point A to Point B and back again?

Sinterklaas: Steamboat.
Santa Claus: Magical Flying Sleigh.
Who is less of a scrub? Guess what, ladies? No one’s preferred method of travel is steamboat. Maybe your man is embarrassed he doesn’t have a driver’s license. Maybe he’s trying to do a sort of whimsical throwback thing because he thinks having one personality trait — “quirky!” — is the same thing as having a fully-fledged personality. Whatever the case may be, while you and Your Man are sloshing through grey seas on a sad, doomed Poseidon Adventure, Santa Claus is feeling so Fly Like a G6. Santa Claus.

8. Is your man married?

Sinterklaas: No. Just another lonely Spaniard.
Santa Claus: Yes! Her name is Jessica, but you may call her “Mrs. Claus.”
Who is less of a scrub? Straight, no chaser, ladies: I’m not here to judge, but I want you to think about the choices you are making. Sinterklaas.

9. Is your man stalking you?

Sinterklaas: He sees you when you’re sleeping…
Santa Claus: He knows when you’re awake…
Who is less of a Scrub: He’s climbin’ in your windows, snatchin’ your people up! LADIES! THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

Is Your Man a Scrub:

Sinterklass: Yes!
Santa Claus: Yes!

Ladies! If your man is forever creeping on you, writing down all your minor transgressions in a Big Secret Book, and threatening to withhold (or force upon you?!) all manner of presents including but not limited to wintertime jaunts to Spain, that is a deal breaker! He is a scrub!

Previously: Davy Crockett vs. Daniel Boone.

Caity Weaver is available for hire as a personal scrubs consultant, or as anything, please, please hire her. This is her Twitter.

Images via jan kranendonk and Kiselev Andrey Valerevich, via Shutterstock



40 Comments / Post A Comment

EpWs

TEAM KRAMPUS 4 LYFE.

miwome

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I cherish you.

EpWs

@miwome :D

JessicaLovejoy

I never knew that T.I. and I had so much in common, re: desiring Joe Biden.

dormilona

@JessicaLovejoy YES! I just posted that on my bestie's fb wall because we both have (irrational?) crushes on JB.

EpWs

@dormilona Might want to be careful with throwing those initials around. Could be/should be Joe Biden...might be Justin Bieber.

dormilona

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher aghhhhnnoooo *tiny screams*

whateverlolawants

@JessicaLovejoy I can't believe someone else noticed that. I worked for the Obama campaign, and my coworker thought that's what the song said. I laughed at him for like 10 minutes. I must tell him about this.

And you guys aren't the only ones with irrational crushes on Joe Biden. I know several others... we really ought to have a party.

frigwiggin

As a matter of fact, I LOVE ALMOND PASTE. All hail Sinterklaas!

Lucienne

@figwiggin Me too! I'll happily take the almond paste and marzipan nobody else wants.

frigwiggin

@Lucienne I check every one of my shoes, every day, in the hopes that someone slipped an almond paste sweetie in one of them. Someday...

miwome

@Lucienne Yum yum yes yes. @figwiggin now I am imagining tiny marzipan scorpions in shoes.

drlolo

No joke, one of the scariest things that ever happened to me was walking outside one random (to me) morning on a visit to Amsterdam only to be confronted with tens of people in full-on blackface rappelling down the sides of buildings (a la http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3022/3043186941_7d1a10991a.jpg). I was only marginally reassured when we found someone who spoke English to explain that it was part of the Sinterklaas parade.

remargaret

@drlolo HAHA! Reminds me of the David Sedaris sketch, "Six to Eight Black Men", that I play every year for my family.

EpWs

@remargaret I die laughing every. single. time.

HRH Your Cuntness

Shit, Leah DOES have to have something vegan. How . . . how did you know?

HRH Your Cuntness

@HRH Your Cuntness And my man's getting into town on Dec 24th too. Hairpin, have you been reading my diary?

putabirdonit

I'm good with anyone who brings me Joe Biden...

pterodactgirl

"Put me in a sack and take me to Spain" sounds like the best euphemism for sexy-times ever.

miwome

@pterodactgirl Go Iberian on me, baby. Gimme that jamón.

Tragically Ludicrous

@pterodactgirl I have made many jokes to Dutch people about how being taken to Spain is not exactly a punishment. I'm sure many kids have been to there already.

honeybadger

dude, sinterklaas is the other santa-like clothespin ornament! mystery solved.

Bon Vivant

@honeybadger you all jessica fletcher up in here. bravo! *whispers* go check your shoooooee!!

Megasus

I guess Santa Claus is technically from the Coca Cola marketing department circa what, 1900?

scojo

when he's off to Spain, does he party with El Caganer?

Tragically Ludicrous

Sinterklaas!!! I went to his arrival in Utrecht this year because of course. (So much blackface!) The Dutch are super into this guy, for serious.

(Also, a friend of mine gave me this. It's the best although I don't know why Santa has such a short beard.)

miwome

@Tragically Ludicrous This is transcendent.

LaLoba

What about der Kristkind? Is your man a baby Jesus who flies in through the window?... wait...

Danish Nisses also put shit in yo shoes and act like it's a good thing. And if you don't leave them rice pudding they fuck shit up!!

atipofthehat

I'd go with the sooterkin.

bookbike

These are the bestttt HAHAHAH I DIE

tales

I just keep saying "LADIES" to myself and laughing. I can't stop!

vanamerongen

I'm Dutch and I've never heard of almond paste. You get pepernoten and chocoladeletters, marsepein, taai taai!

SarahP

@vanamerongen Marzipan (marsepein) is almond paste. It's not very common as a treat or ingredient in the US. (Much to my chagrin!)

Cat named Virtute

@vanamerongen Pepernoten! My favourite!

sox
sox

@Marika Pea@twitter Oh, I haven't had Perpernoten (though we call it Pfefferneuse?) in years! I'm totally going to bake some today to have in my pockets for snowboarding tomorrow!

And no, there is not nearly enough marzipan in the US. But now I want to go find some...

SarahP

@sox Grocery stores usually have a tube in the baking section. A couple times now I have bought it thinking "I will be able to make cute decorations for the tops of cupcakes!" and instead ate the majority of it straight from its wrapping.

ms. alex

@SarahP I have been tempted to buy a tube of marzipan at the grocery store but then I chicken out of doing any work/waiting and buy dark chocolate marizpan Ritter sport instead. Mmmmm.

Porporina

I'll take Krampus over these scrubs any day!

EpWs

@Porporina Clearly, you are my kind of person.

CafeLand Hack

Great Article Thanks For Sharring Bookmarked This Site And Will Share it On FB Too
Smurfs & Co Spellbound Hack

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