Wednesday, December 21, 2011


"How to Start Your Candy-Cane Collection in 23 Easy Steps"

1) Be 17.

2) Get arrested.

3) Live in suburbia but not John Cheever’s suburbia. Kevin Smith’s suburbia.

4) Sit in the back of a cop car and reflect on the course of events that led to you to this point.

5) Note that you are wedged between two people from your graduating high-school class. It’s December and 15 of your peers are being busted for underage drinking. There’s frost on the ground and a chill in the air, so it’s not half bad being in a heated car — as opposed to clutching a plastic cup of cold beer in a parking lot.

Hairpin pal Sloane Crosley's handy guide to candy-gathering is one of many in Vanity Fair's excellent Naked Santa Spectacular essay roundup. Enjoy!

7 Comments / Post A Comment


Edith, that is a very elegant drawing of a candy cane.


TL; DR. Is that terrible? I blame pre-holiday fatigue. (And I normally heart S.Cros.)

Porn Peddler

This made me feel like a big nerd because I never ever got in trouble for things like this :X I never did this kind of thing, really!

However, I did get in trouble for staying out late making out with a boy. When I was nineteen. Two years into college. When I was home on spring break or something. A boy I had known and been close to for four years. This was at his house, sober, and she knew where I was. I think my mom just needed to fill a quota of "TWH getting in trouble and me giving her shit" and since I'd done so little of that...well...she needed something. She called me a floozy and accused me of "dirty stayouts." I can't even....


@Third Wave Housewife Don't worry, I never did this sort of thing either. I did do the making-out-with-a-boy-while-aged-nineteen thing, but my parents really liked him (still do; we've been together nearly three years now), so that all worked out fine. (Argh, sorry, that sounds so stupidly smug.)


@Third Wave Housewife I'm already making T-shirts, lapel pins and a bass drumhead thingy for my band, The Dirty Stayouts.


@Third Wave Housewife
I never got caught either but my high school ex-girlfriend and her then-boyfriend got sentenced to group alcohol counseling for being caught, under .08 but at age 19, with wine coolers in a parking lot. The rest of the class was made up of people with serious DUIs who laughed at them!


@Third Wave Housewife I got in trouble a few months ago for this...except I actually wasn't! I am 23 and I'm only home to help take care of my father, but I'm a dancer and I went out to a bar with some of my dance friends and when I came home smelling very strongly like guy from dancing with one my mother assumed the worst. I only WISHED she were right.

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