Tuesday, November 22, 2011


Which Venomous Spider Are You?

It’s the age-old arbiter of arachnid angst: who are you, really? Are you a shy wallflower, a sultry man-eater, or a fast-paced city dweller? There’s only one way to be sure! Gather a group of your best buds and sink your chelicerae into this revealing quiz!

1. Ugh! It’s 6 a.m. on a Monday morning and you’re getting dressed for work. You put on:
a. A shiny black dress with a sexy red belt — look out, world! Here I come!
b. Brown, brown, brown! When I find something that works, I stick with it … but sometimes I’ll spice up my look with white or gray.
c. I love patterns! Stripes, polka dots, inverted v-shapes on my abdomen, bring ‘em on.

2. You and your girlfriends are at brunch on a Saturday afternoon, gossiping over mimosas and eggs Benny! How would your ladies describe you?
a. I’m pretty active! Always looking for my next great meal or decorating my house — and there’s nothing I love more than warming my glossy chitin skin in the desert sun.
b. I’m a bit of a klutz! With my dainty, smooth feet, I have to work hard to scale walls. Give me some folded blankets in the attic any day!
c. I love the outdoors — retaining walls, debris — nothing inspires me like the beauty of nature! But during winter, I like to snuggle up in an empty bathtub or scuttle along the baseboards of a toasty kitchen.

3. A Sunday night finds you:
a. Learning the steps to the Single Ladies music video with 8 glasses of red wine on hand – the bristles on my hind legs give me a killer high kick!
b. Taking in the latest Twilight book with all six of my eyes!
c. On my neighborhood watch shift! There are always some rowdy mantises in need of roughing up.

4. You’re at the hottest restaurant in town!  You order your favorite meal:
a. Mmm, caterpillars braised with digestive enzymes! I like my meat tender.
b. If it’s a special occasion, I’ll splurge on a cockroach! Nothing like al dente antennae.
c. Give me the insides of a grasshopper any day! I’ll leave the exoskeleton to the scavengers.

5. Your apartment is:
a. Big, lofty and dramatic! I love conversation pieces — that’s why I hang my cocoon from the ceiling!
b. A dark, quiet nook with lots of heavy wood. I love the natural feel, and it keeps me warm and dry on cold nights!
c. A gauzy, funnel-shaped, bohemian paradise!

6. At a bar one night, you meet a super-cute dude! You plan the perfect date:
a. After a luscious dinner out, back to my place for some hanky-panky and then I’ll eat his head!
b. He dances for me, and if I like it, maybe he’ll get lucky!
c. I’ll make him work for it — I like to play hard to get! He has to follow my scent and once he’s found me, he’s a goner.

7. LOL! You are finally writing that online dating profile you’ve been putting off for months! What do you say about your looks?
a. I’m a curvy gal! My venom glands bring all the boys to the yard!
b. I’m willowy with long legs, and a cute little cephalothorax!
c. Baby, I’ve got double spinnerets — I’m twice as fun!

If you answered mostly A…

Whoa! Gentlemen, step back! You’re a black widow, one of the world’s most fearsome arachnids! Found all over the globe, you and your many cousins love a good one night stand. You’re not the type to put up with the nonsense of whether he’ll call you back; instead, you put an end to your passionate nights with a quick decapitation. But you have a softer side – you watch over your hundreds of spiderlings until they’ve mostly eaten each other. Then those suckers are on their own, and you’re back to being the sauciest babe in town!

If you answered mostly B…

You’re a brown recluse! You prefer peace and quiet, and you’re a pretty solitary spider. Sure, you love to hunt your prey, but you’d just as soon curl up with some cat videos on the Internet as you would prowl garages and sheds for invasive fire ants! You tend to attract guys who love to perform, the perfect compliment to your more reserved style. You’ll only lay about 40 eggs at a time, but the world better not be fooled by your shy demeanor: you’ll make a fierce mother, guarding your spiderlings with all your might.

If you answered mostly C…

Surprise! You’re a hobo spider! Often mistaken for a brown recluse, you come out of your shell in urban environments. You love to hop from place to place, especially during mating season. You love the pace of city life, and it inspires your creativity! You weave elaborate webs that work as snares, trapping your food until you’re ready to eat, because busy ladies like you just don’t have time to cook every night! Unlike other spiders, your feet leave a distinctive perfume behind — enticing to the males of your species! You're the classic girl next door, and men pursue you in hopes of being lucky enough to make some spiderlings with such a desirable lady.

Sarah Carter just moved to New York City. Do you want to be her friend?

Image by Binkski, via Shutterstock

78 Comments / Post A Comment


Wooo HOOOO, Black Widow baby!!!


@thebestjasmine ME TOO. High Eight!


@punkahontas My answers to 2 and 3 are allllll brown recluse, though.


@thebestjasmine I am brown recluse for 3 and 7, and hobo for 1 and 4. So I'm kind of a combo of all three with a bit of extra black window. Basically, the best spider, ever.


@punkahontas Yup, I got three black widows, three brown recluses, and one hobo. I am The Combo Spider.

Edith Zimmerman

Brown recluse :-/


@Edith Zimmerman Me too, definitively. So now I know why I can't nail down a man - I keep giving them creeping necrosis.


@monicamcl @Edith Zimmerman Brown recluses unite. ::tiny spidery high-fives::

Also this is an excellent excuse to post one of my favorite Kate Beaton comics, about the adventures of Brown Recluse Spider-Man. http://harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=308 I am definitely that spider that is hopping along the floor going oh my god.

Fancy Mustard

@area@twitter I'd high-five you for that Kate Beaton comic, but my nook...it's so dark and quiet... Oh, what the heck! ::skitter, skitter::


@area@twitter That is one of the awesomer Hark, A Vagrant!s of all time.


@area@twitter YES! "I don't know I was scared!" gets me every time.

:Cinnamon Girl:

@Edith Zimmerman You are not alone, dear Edith! More tiny spider high fives!


@vealgirl @wharrgarbl @monicamcl Let's all find a crevice to hide in together.


@Edith Zimmerman Same! Which is eerily accurate, considering it's the only poisonous spider actually found in my home state.


@area@twitter The happiest day of my life occurred yesterday when my housemate and I discovered her book in Waterstones. Until then I had no idea he was a fan too so there was much rejoicing...and the lingering question in the back of our minds as to what it was doing in the steampunk/trashy vampire sex section. What we were doing in that section is a secret I shall never tell. (as a brown recluse I like to keep some stuff close to my chest)


@megancress That book is tops on my Christmas list this year. Hooray for fat little cookie-eating Napoleons!


@area@twitter I have this one pinned up next to my computer: http://harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=177

I love that he's so short he can barely see over the back of the couch.


I seem to be a Hobo Recluse?


@Ophelia Me too! Oh God, I felt so alone until I saw you.


@ritualtheory Me three! Although, being weird by myself in the city is a little too accurate a description.


@ilikemints I would totally watch a show called "Weird By Myself in the City." Maybe it could star Joan Cusak?


@Ophelia Me too! Although spider quiz aside, I think "hobo recluse" basically sums me up.


Tie between black widow and brown recluse! Reclusive widow?

Anna Marquardt

Hobo widow? And yes, let's be friends, please.

Princess Langwidere

Black Widow, but I really like the idea of potential mates dancing for my favor.


@Princess Langwidere Check out these smooth moves http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GgAbyYDFeg

wasabi peas

brown recluse, but i knew that before taking the quiz.

A Spider

Black widow, holla


So wait, if I'm a Miranda, does that make me more of a Hobo or a Recluse?


I started taking the quiz, but got too freaked out. Spiders are THAT scary.


@myrna.minkoff THANK YOU.

You'll be sorry Jo March

@myrna.minkoff Related: DO NOT google image "brown recluse." EVER.


@You'll be sorry Jo March BUT I HAD TO. ohmygod. ohmygod. ohmygod.


@You'll be sorry Jo March It was so bad that I just now realized I held my breath the entire time I typed that since Google image searching.


Beck Rea@facebook



"Spiders are little pieces of death wrapped in scary", thankyouverymuch, Allie Brosh.


@Hambulance I FIND THEM IN MY BED AND CLOSET. ESPECIALLY WHEN I HAVEN'T BEEN HOME IN A WHILE. Thanks for ruining Thanksgiving. :( Home sweet home tomorrow has been dampened a bit. But yeah, I had to google along.


@myrna.minkoff That was probably just your pyloric valve acting up.


I think it would be difficult for a spider to dance while holding 8 glasses of wine. That's all its legs, yo!


Brown recluse for me.


Re 2c. "On my neighborhood watch shift! There are always some rowdy mantises in need of roughing up."

Is this metaphor also a euphemism? Because "roughing up rowdy mantises" sounds like my idea of a weekend.


@applestoapples I imagine that mantises are the juiceboxes of the insect/arachnid world?


@Ophelia If that's the case, then definitely. But more in a love/hate sense.

Are They Biting Ducks?

Black widow with reclusive tendencies, apparently. Pardon me while I proceed to be creeped out for the REST OF THE DAY.


Fun fact! You can tell the sex of a spider by its front legs - if it's got those fat little "pom pom" appendages, it's a male. When mating they ejaculate on those things and then jam them into the female's cloaca. Try it with your partner on a special night!

here's more stuff on jumping spiders, who are actually talented drummers - http://youtu.be/sMa9FdNM5io?t=3m46s


@Danzig! Is that true of all spiders?! How useful!


@SarahP Yep! They're called pedipalps, and they make spiders look like little boxers - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pedipalp


@Danzig! I did not think there was a way to make spiders any more horrifying. I am impressed that you did it. Now I'm torn between horror and complete fascination.


Spider horrify me. I literally shudder when even considering them. Hairpin, why so scary??

Edith Zimmerman

@marianlibrarian FIRE WALK WITH ME!


this is amazing - & i'm definitely a hobo spider, the type of spider which COINCIDENTALLY lives with it's entire extended family on my front porch. Thanks be to god I found this quiz, because I truly thought they were brown recluse and have refused to sit on any porch furniture for months.


@heyad Not to harsh your mellow, but hobo spiders are also venomous. Won't kill you, but apparently aren't snuggly, either.


@Ophelia WuGhgughgodddduh okay thanks. Imma kill 'em.




This is amazing, and I am a hobo spider, and it kind of does describe me!


As an Australian, I feel that there were not enough options.


@Craftastrophies ACCURATE

(The time that I saw a redback skittering across my bathroom floor as a child was THE BEST. By which I mean WORST).


@cutselvage Oh, hello! Internet world COLLIDE!

Recently I shook out my beanbag before sitting down (habit resulting from childhood scorpion trauma) and two whitetail spiders fell out.


@Craftastrophies There are probably a few Texans reading this and thinking the same thing.


@Craftastrophies ... reasons why I will never go to Australia. So scaryy

Harbinger of Something

Brown Recluse, and also, http://harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=308

Ooh, a crevice!


@Craftastrophies I DO NOT KNOW HOW YOU ARE ALL STILL ALIVE IN AUSTRALIA. The most venomous everythings live there.

Hannah Curran@facebook

HI SCARTER!!!!!!!!!!! NOW YOU ARE AN INTERNET STAR! I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND ALWAYS!!!! I'll visit you at christmas?

Hannah the Hobo Spider

You'll be sorry Jo March

It was close: 4-3, with black widow winning. But, the description of brown recluse sounds more like me? I probably should have replaced "Twilight," in "taking in the latest Twilight book," with "Victorian novel that is free on kindle." There, that sounds like me. Brown recluse it is!


@You'll be sorry Jo March Your commenter name is beautiful, by the way.

You'll be sorry Jo March

@JanetSnakehole Why thank you! Little Women is my favorite.


I have had about ten tarantulas as pets and have a black widow tattoo under my bellybutton... I'm a Black Widow, baybee!! (I love spiders, um, hence my screen name...)


@Spiderbaby You can come over and take all the ones out of my apartment any time you want.




I read this and it was fun, but now I feel like all of the spiders in the world are staring at me and getting ready to bite my ankles.


Oh! I'm a Black Recluse with a penchant for bohemian lofts. Yay me!


Please, please, please tell me people don't really say "eggs Benny." I don't want to live in a world where that's true...

Sugar Kane's Hip Flask

Brown recluse and proud!


Hobo spider over here! Pretty accurate, actually. My feet do smell amaaaaaaziiiiing.


Hobo widow over here.


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