Wednesday, November 9, 2011


What Dogs Want

Previously: Drive, an Illustrated Response.

Lisa Hanawalt lives in Brooklyn and does illustrations + funnies for publications like the New York Times, McSweeney’s, Vice, and Chronicle Books. She’s best known for her comic book series I Want You.

198 Comments / Post A Comment

Jolie Kerr


Nicole Cliffe

@Jolie Kerr RIGHT? LOVE HER.



Jolie Kerr

@wee_ramekin I'm back, I'm back, I'm really back this time!!! I missed you crazy bitches.



Never leave us again.



This was the worst day, but now it is the BEST DAY.


My avatar approves/demonstrates the content of this post.


I have some sort of deficiency and am constantly craving salt. I also admire legs. Am I a dog?


@wallsdonotfall Yes! And me too! Let's got get salt bagels right now.


@kayjay Leg shaped salt bagels.


@kayjay SALT BAGELS: please bring them back to New England


@nutmeg but where do you live? There are some real life salt bagels in Providence!

bouncy castle

Ooh, I want to be made out of rubber bands! Also, my dog wants one tennis ball bride and one bride that he can slowly dismantle and pull the stuffing/squeakers out of


@bouncy castle

Luckily my neighbors know and love my dog, or they would suspect us of something horrible when they heard the screaming squeaky toy noise through the wall followed by me hollering "Yeah! Break his stupid neck!"


@bouncy castle My dog would also be extremely happy if the stuffing-bride was made of dirty socks.


@bouncy castle ditto; my dog doesn't care a lick about tennis balls, but disemboweling stuffies is her ideal activity.

bouncy castle

@FloraPosteHaste Boyfran tried to buy a stuffingless plushie for the dog, to which I replied, "What the hell is he supposed to do with THAT?"




Your dog is disgusting, get rid of it. Seriously.


@SuperGogo Seriously. (But this was cute, even if dogs aren't my favorite pet. Ugh. Eating dirty underwear is OBJECTIVELY DISGUSTING AND CERTAINLY NOT SOMETHING A CAT WOULD STOOP TO.)


@SuperGogo My dumbcat loves to sniff and then vigorously roll around in my dirty underwear. She doesn't eat them, but still.


@liznieve my dog doesn't eat them, she just nibbles little holes out of the crotch. Seriously, when I first got her, I thought I had some horrible pH problem or something that was making me burn holes in my undies. It turned out to be good incentive to not throw my dirty clothes on the floor!



Super seriously.


@FloraPosteHaste OMG me toooooo

O! Winged Wanderer

Every morning in my old apartment, my roommate's dog would greet me at the bathroom door after my shower with a different pair of my roommate's underwear. I never took them, of course, but she persisted every morning. This is the only time I ever saw her with them, so I'm wondering if she really thought she was being helpful or if I was privy to her secret predilections by simple virtue of being the only other soul awake at 3am.

Then there's also the possibility that she'd been trained...


@SuperGogo My cat has really, for real, eaten my underwear. He ate a big hole in the butt of a really cute pair. My cat is special.


@FloraPosteHaste Oh! She also ruined a bra or two by chewing through the straps! I forgot about that. Here teeth are just like scissors; everything has an impossibly clean edge when she's done with it.

Faintly Macabre

My dearly-departed dog has contacted me from the Afterlife to say that you forgot tissues (especially the used ones that you have to fish from the trash!) and stale bread covered with ants.


@Faintly Macabre ...all tied together with used dental floss.


@Faintly Macabre with a side of used pads.

Faintly Macabre

@gravie Eewww. My dog was very wary of bathrooms, so luckily she didn't get into gross bathroom trash. Just dirty socks, cat poo, rotting things...


@Faintly Macabre The best (worst?) part was the look of sheer bliss on her face as she was mowing down on them.


@gravie My dearly departed childhood pup would like a side of Barbie doll appendages with his used pads & kleenex.


@phipsi And actually, if we could add some pencils and highlighters to the mix, that would be great.


This is excellent, especially #4--my dog will sneak into my closet, knock over the hamper, dig out a pair of dirty chonies, take them to her doggie crate, and lick all over them like it's the end of the world.


@applestoapples I just want to applaud your use of 'chonies'. Also, dogs are gross.


@applestoapples Chonies forever.


@TeresaOtter My boyfriend and I were accosted by a charming/forceful sales associate this weekend named Percy who asked Mike if he needed any chonies. I burst out laughing while Mike stood here blankly, since apparently the girls in HIS 4th-grade Girl Scout troop were not obsessed with that word. (<3 u, Percy)


Dirty Chonies dog biscuits would be a best seller, if Milk-Bone was willing to really go there.
And I guess it's better that she licks them instead of rolling around in them on her back like she does in the park when she encounters the scent of animal carcass.


@applestoapples It's sounding more and more like there needs to be a band called the Dirty Chonies


I didn't want this post to end.


@breccia: Me neither. And I was out of breath by the time it did.


This is beautiful and accurate.


Not since my daughter was an infant have I been simultaneously disgusted to the point of vomiting and completely bowled over with adorableness. This is just fantastic.


This is so brilliant I want to move into it and live here.


My dog would like some peanut butter stuffed squirrels. He demands it daily.


Amazing! The dirty underwear dish...perfect.


I want a dog.

Correction: I want ALL the dogs!!!


@redheadedandcrazy I just want a farm with a bunch of big, goofy dogs running around everywhere. That would be the perfect life.


@klemay OH MY GOSH!

Okay my dream dog farm: 1 newfoundland, 1 old english sheepdog, 2 miniature collies, 2 wire-haired daschunds, and since I just fell in love with the little american eskimo dog at the pound I'll need to take him home with me too.

I guess that means I'll have a new cuddle partner every night of the week! Life is goooooood on my dream dog farm.

The Lady of Shalott

@klemay Can I come live on your farm with big goofy dogs? For I love them so.


@redheadedandcrazy I think you should get a really big bed, and just cuddle with all of them simultaneously.


@Ophelia You are very wise.

so I'm thinking the order would be: newfoundland spooning sheepdog spooning me spooning american eskimo with the 2 mini collies keeping my feet warm and the daschunds curled around my head

I have a dog problem people.


@redheadedandcrazy It also sounds like you have a beautiful solution to your dog problem! The problem being not enough dogs in your life.

science is sexy@twitter

@klemay There is a great dane farm in Massachusetts. They breed and train them to help disabled people with mobility. And it is AWESOME. There are like a billion great danes, and they keep the puppies in GIANT GREAT DANE PADDOCKS. They just run around and roll over on each other and it is the best thing of all time basically.

The Lady of Shalott

@science is sexy@twitter omg omg omg now I want to go on a trip to Massachusetts expressly to visit this magical place!!!!

Faintly Macabre

@science is sexy@twitter Awww!! Great danes are so cute. Near Penn State is Tait Farm, which breeds basset hounds. One one side of a barn are puppies of various ages, sleeping/squeaking in piles, and on the other side are adults. You're allowed to pet the adult bassets, and they're SO sweet and knobbly.

Lisa Hanawalt@twitter

@redheadedandcrazy DREAM DOG FARM! SO much better than fantasy baseball leagues. Mine would have a mix of pugs (for me to laugh at) and aussies (to help keep the pugs outta trouble).


@redheadedandcrazy Oh I just want a whole pack of beagles. Noisy, but they're so goofy and adorable and I just love them.


@redheadedandcrazy OH MY GOD I WANT TO GO TO THIS GREAT DANE FARM. Great Danes and Golden Retrievers. That's all I need in life.

Lady Pennyface

@science is sexy@twitter I almost just squeed myself off the couch! Great Danes are my dream dog but right now my studio apartment will not permit one. :(


@causedbycomma AAAHHHH I have a beagle, and he is the best thing in the world. We sometimes get to farm-sit at the farm he was born at, and they have 5 beagles of their own, and SO WONDERFUL. (note: in a group, very very noisy. But on his own, our little guy is very quiet)


@Ophelia It's funny that you both think that's optional.


@science is sexy@twitter where is this great dane farm you speak of?


Mine is actually pretty good about not getting into the garbage and underwear and such, but he's been pretty lonely since I haven't been at home as much so he will take a tennis ball bride please.


These are GREAT! The tennis ball bride is sending me into a fit of laughter.


Pigeons with hot dogs! Watching my parents' dogs try to decide between the hot dogs in my dad's hand and the flock of shore birds 20 yards away is amazingly ridiculous. The birds usually win. Love this.

oh, disaster

I'd take a certified public accountant dog over TurboTax any day. Like April 15.


"Let's see here. You've got a peanut butter exemption and significant underpants depreciation and at least three tennis ball deductions. Now, obviously bone plus bone equals fish, so you can expect a return of three pomeranians and a puggle. Nnnnnext!"


@laurel But can I get a deduction for all these dependent puppies?


@Ophelia: Probably not, but you know how the Humane Society could get a kabillion new supporters? By advocating for spay/neuter/vaccination/adoption fees as deductions.


@laurel um, brilliant.


@laurel Ahoy-hoy, this has already happened! In 2009, Rep. Thaddeus McCotter of Michigan introduced the rather clunkily named Humanity and Pets Partnered Through the Years Act (the "HAPPY" Act, pretty cutesy for Congress!), legislation to allow individuals to claim tax deductions for qualified pet care expenses. Although all the big animal welfare players like the ASPCA and Humane Society of the U.S. advocated for its passage, it was basically a pipe dream that never went anywhere. To the surprise of absolutely no one, it hasn't been reintroduced this session.

If you want to read about it, the bill number was H.R. 3501.


This is so good. Dogs are the perfect combination of adorable and utterly disgusting, says the woman who regularly says "I love you too, but I would rather have you not lick my ankle right after you've been licking your butt."


@City_Dater My dog rolled in poop this weekend while at doggy day care, and when she explained to us that they had to give him a bath, the (wonderful) lady there said, "You know, dogs are just such a perfect combination of gross and awesome."


@City_Dater: This is always my response to people who talk about how "clean" dog's mouths are: "Nah, I don't think so, I've seen what my dog eats."


1. This is really, really wonderful.
2. Did anyone else sing (softly, so softly), "I know what dogs like, I know what dogs want" upon seeing the title of this post? No? Fair enough.


@Heygirlhey: I was totally getting Freud, but I like yours better. Viva la The Waitresses.


@Heygirlhey I went straight to Christina Aguilera. "What a dog wants/what a dog needs."


@laurel Whatever keeps me in your...paws?


@Heygirlhey Oh god I accidentally "liked" my own comment. And then replied to my own comment to make sure people knew that the initial "like" was accidental. SHAME.


@Heygirlhey Well I wasn't singing it before I read your comment.


#5 is so aces. I love this really hard.


@parallel-lines Also, your website doesn't work for me (stupid old internet explorer) but do you ever sell your stuff anywhere? I would totally buy it.

Lisa Hanawalt@twitter

@parallel-lines Hey, yes! I sell comics and other doo-dads on my website! It should work in Safari or Firefox...


Other doodads = dirty underwear? as that's what we were inquiring about.

Gracefully and Grandly

This is so charming. I don't even have a dog and I love it.

Katie Scarlett

@ferdinand the bull Charming is the perfect word for it


Our dog would also like the chance to really sit down and chat with a cat. Since he has killed a rat (!!!!), he'll probably never get that chance.


PS Will you do a print of this? Please?


@julia Yeah! Prints?!?!?

Lisa Hanawalt@twitter

@Dustin Fenstermacher @julia Yesssss! I will try to make prints next week, stay tuned! ; )


@Lisa Hanawalt@twitter yay! I was just looking around in your shop. I'll keep an eye out.


@Lisa Hanawalt@twitter Amaaaaaaaazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


this = the best


Now that there's a dog in charge of Occupy Denver, it's only a matter of time before she sends this list of demands. Thanks for helping create a unified movement 99% of dogs can get behind (in order to sniff it better).


@sympathyforthebasementcat I actually think 100% of dogs are behind it.


There is so much here to love to I almost can't pick one. But I think that I'll be chuckling about the Fancy Meal one for the rest of the day.

Really, I love this more than a person like you can understand.


@karion: Agree. This is total people treat.

Katie Scarlett

The anal beads in the suitcase! So subtle!


@Katie Scarlett "Get ur freak on, girl" -Drug-Sniffing Dog


@Katie Scarlett totally thought it was a necklace :(


@klemay Luggage sniffing dog says "Get it, gurl! I won't judge. I eat poop and hump pillows."

fondue with cheddar

@Katie Scarlett I know! And the lube, dildo, AND vibrator. Girl's gonna be prepared for anything!


Now that my dog is old and cranky, she doesn't really want to chase birds or play with balls or jump or have any kind of job. I submit that what old dogs want is a house made entirely of heated pads, a poop-picker-upper maid (so they can poop right on the pads and not have to be bothered to walk ALL the way to the yard to do their business), and to be LEFT THE HELL ALONE. Unless you are a new person, in which case you can hang out for exactly two minutes before LEAVING HER THE HELL ALONE AGAIN.

Unless it's dinner time (which will consist entirely of Alpo). At that time, she wants all the humans in the world, what with our dexterous hands that can open pantry doors and operate can openers.


Also new today on Three Word Phrase - http://threewordphrase.com/conscience.htm ! Dog days are the best days.


In re: MAIN COURSE, maybe the lady's father-in-law-to-be was actually a dog trapped in a man's body?


@atipofthehat I was thinking the exact same thing. Prudie, we need an update!

dj pomegranate

@atipofthehat This is the best possible explanation! Tell Prudie asap.


@dj pomegranate

"Honey, I mean it, get your dad OFF my leg RIGHT NOW! He already shredded my underwear.... If he really needs a leg, he can use one of the salt ones."

Ferris Wheel

Nirvana for my dog would consist of living in a lake (yes, in the water) with an endless supply of deer carcasses and cat poop. Yeah, dogs are the best/so disgusting.


wednesday greatness. Lisa Hanawalt is fantastic, her drawings and sense of humor sublime! Also sublime, the comments!! chonies, the gross+awesome=dog stories. This story made my day! I may actually finish my workday instead of fleeing into the streets.


OMG that last image...TOO MUCH!


This is one of the best things I've ever seen.


The joy in the expression of the hot-dog-pigeon chasing dog is just...so...awesome.


Please tell me there is somewhere I can purchase the print of a dog chasing pigeons with hotdogs. Please? Pretty please?

Lisa Hanawalt@twitter

@OMGSammiches Yes! Coming soon!! I think I'll make prints of that one next week and post them on my website...


@Lisa Hanawalt@twitter I would also buy a print of a dog chasing pigeons with hot dogs in their beaks. Its SO perfect.

Eric Hews@facebook

'Cat poop reduction' made me snort. Nicely done!


I love everything about this. Dogs are the best things in the entire world.


YOU GUYS! Look at these three pictures. Warning: NSFW because you will be dead of cute after looking at them.


@wee_ramekin OH. MY. GOD. I am going to eat her.


@wee_ramekin THAT LAST PICTURE WHAT. I am literally open mouthed at my computer in the joy and delight of it all. Dogs are the BEST.


@wee_ramekin http://www.flickr.com/photos/evanagee/166406737/in/set-72157594203908162/

And this here one! Aie!


@AnthroK8 Heeeheeeeeeeeeeee! I know! Her liddew round headlet! It's actually and scientifically too much cute for one being.


@Lisa Hanawalt@twitter Yesssssssssss. Do you have a mailing list so that future me can be notified when I forget of things like dogs chasing pigeons with hotdog print release? I am going to hang it next to my bunny wearing a saddle print, and also give it to everyone for Christmas.

Lisa Hanawalt@twitter

@OMGSammiches Hey, I'm terrible at remembering to send emails, but you can follow me on Twitter or Tumblr for all your pigeon & hot dog news!



I would like a pair of flannel pajamas imprinted with the hotdog-carrying pigeons for me, and a second pair imprinted with the dogs-made-of-rubberbands for my wife. Where can I buy them?


@atipofthehat You'll need to buy the rights to the image from Lisa, get the fabric made at Spoonflower, and then commission them on Etsy. Done and done.



Who's with me?

And what size do you take?


Most of you won't see this probably, but as I saw each new panel and then read each comment, as I got further and further down the page I laughed harder and harder until tears rolled down my face. DOGS: REDUCTIO AD ABSURDUM COME TO LIFE


@itmakesmewonder So GREAT JOB EVERYONE was my point.


The only way I once got a rigor mortis-stiff squirrel away from my gleeful, you'll-never-get-me mini schnauzer was an offering of bacon. He struggled mightily with the decision but bacon won. I think this says magnitudes about the power of bacon.


Whoa, whoa. What just a minute here. How does bone plus bone equal dead fish?! I think certified public accountant dog needs to go back to his adding machine with that one because clearly he forgot to carry the pig's ear.


Ahhh I laughed so hard! Please do this for cats Ms. Brilliant!


@Hamsterdam That was my first thought! Please give us a kitty version!


@olivia The kitteh version would probably be 90% sleep. 5% territorial jealousy. 5% superiority complex.


An Addendum: What my dog wants right now is to sit with as much of his body as can fit on my lap, and to put his nose on my laptop and lick the touch pad.


@Ophelia awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww




@Ophelia Watch out...THIS might happen.

(I'm so sorry for posting all these dog-related links. I...I have a problem.)


@wee_ramekin Ahahahhahahaha! I had to turn it off because my dog started getting all agitated and yipping when the husky howled!! I hope this is the point in the evening when I post pictures of my dog?


@Ophelia Lord love 'em (and I do), Huskies are so dumb *snicker*.

Um, it is always that point in the evening.

Here's mine:
Puggle in a Box


@wee_ramekin Ohhhh! Love! I'm not adept enough to embed the photo, but here is mine: http://ririaroundtheworld.blogspot.com/2011/11/cutest-monster-in-world.html


@Ophelia Eeeee! I love that earnest, Labby face. I think Labs win the trademark on earnestness. They always just TRY.SO.HARD.

Also, embedding images = super easy! Go to here to learn how!


@wee_ramekin Awesome, thanks! Bookmarked!

The best part is watching them make that face when they're retrieving something for you, preferably out of water, and they are SO happy to be getting it, bringing it back, and OMG did you know I will do it again and again, FOREVER? JUST KEEP THROWING IT!


@wee_ramekin your pup is amazingly cute! what is he/she? some variation of pug?


@heyits Thank you! His name is PJ. He is a Puggle (Pug / Beagle X). Quite literally one of the best combinations I've encountered. And I have encountered a lot of mixes, working as I did in the kennel business for three years.*

*Okay, also maybe I am the slightest bit biased.


@wee_ramekin I just scrolled up to look at his picture again, and I just wanted to play with those wonderfully floppy beagle ears!


@Ophelia I finally reset my password/regained access to my account just so I could "awwwwww" this.


@wee_ramekin man it was killing me to receive all these email updates about cute dog pics and not be able to see them!!!! So much cuteness!

this thread also reminded me that i made a grievous error in sculpting my dog farm by leaving out LABS! There's one at the shelter I walk who really is so earnest. Always looking up at me like "I'm doing a good job right? so you're gonna take me home now? cuz I'm doing a good job? cuz I'm a good boy?" .... happily he was adopted otherwise we were going to have a problem.


@redheadedandcrazy I hope by "we were going to have a problem" what you really mean is "I was going to have a dog"? :)


@Ophelia I wish that was what I meant! if it were possible for me to adopt a young, energetic lab that guy would be sitting on my lap, nose against my laptop RIGHT. NOW.

but it's not really fair for me to adopt a dog! I'm at work all the time, life upheaval, etc. so I'm very happy that somebody else was able to :)


@wee_ramekin You are so sweet.


I hovered my mouse over about 4 different photos wanting to
*right click save as...* and then said fuck it, I'm just going to email the whole damn thing to everyone I know.


We had to put down our 15 year old golden retriever yesterday, so in his honor I'm gonna post all his favorite things: deer hooves, dog beds (for humping purposes only), carcasses, trays of croissants, horse shit, unattended pizza, sandwiches you were just taking a bite of, barking at moose, hiking, looking aloof, rolling in human feces on our honeymoon, fresh baked pies off the counter, cookies out of babies' hands, snow, mud puddles, running away and laughing at us, cat poo, and ruining a great fishing hole by sitting in it. Miss you, big guy.

Lisa Hanawalt@twitter

@piggie Awww what a perfect dog! He had so many fine interests and hobbies.


@Lisa Hanawalt@twitter He was a connoisseur, that's for sure! Also, you nailed it with number one! My other dog licks my legs so obsessively that I'm convinced I'm totally delicious.


@piggie I had to put my old girl down a few weeks ago, so I would just like to add to this list with her favourite things: open dirty dishwashers, lying in the middle of the kitchen so that somebody trips over her and drops food on her, escaping out open doors when nobody's watching, eating snow, going for walks in The Worst Weather WHYYYYY, being carried when the salt gets in her paws, the end of that ice cream cone, the beginning of that ice cream cone please, rib bones, human food human food HUMAN FOOD, the undying hope that she CAN catch that squirrel ...

<3 <3 <3


@redheadedandcrazy Internet hugs!


@piggie Internet hugs! They are both up in doggie heaven eating all the cat poo a dog could ever want

Faintly Macabre

@redheadedandcrazy Awww your dog sounds wonderful. The snow thing sounds like my dog, who when she was young, would walk with her mouth open on the ground like a bulldozer to eat ALLLL the snow.


My dog is running to that weimaraner's wedding to try and stop it! That's his bride! Nooooo! Stop the wedding!

Wookiee Hole

#11 made me laugh so hard I had a coughing fit.

Princess Slayer

I work at a doggy day care. This is amazing.




Needs more corgis!


@forrealz: Yessssss. Everything everywhere always needs more corgis.

Gwendolyn Francis@twitter

i flove the dogs doing lines of dried urine and the dish with the cat shit reduction sauce...whole thing is fantesticle! www.pullmyfunnybone.com

Casanova Frankenstein

Oh god, this is so great and shouldn't make me cry so much. My dog died yesterday, way too young. There is a lot of crying, and a lot of snot, and a lot of used tissues, and then I look at the used tissues and think about how much he loved used tissues, and just... there's a lot of crying.

Faintly Macabre

@Casanova Frankenstein Oh, you poor thing. It's totally understandable that it's making you cry! I was a wreck for about a week after my dog died, and she was super-old and it was pretty expected at that point. This ridiculous picture made me feel better for some reason, maybe because the pig looks so happy.


This is great. My one true regret in life is that my friends and I didn't steal this awesome husky puppy from some undeserving dude at a park in Richmond.


I ate doggie biscuits as a child. That is all.

Grapefruit Simmons

My pug, Porkchop, LOOOOOOOVES his tuna cans. He gets so pumped when I make tuna salad. He will take the empties into his bed with him and hide them all over the kitchen.

6 months ago the oven repairman came, and when he pulled out the oven, about 6 empty cans clattered out from underneath it.

Porky came running in, all like, "Heyyy! Those are my cans!" and harrumphed at us.


I just found this site and am soo happy. I have laughed out loud since starting this entire reading, the comments have me thrilled so. My husband is not well today and was not appreciating my joy in laughing so hard. My dog would so go for Turtle Doves with hot dogs. I just melted with joy.


This made me laugh. And cry when I thought about my sweet and dearly departed dog, who I hope has found a tennis ball bride in heaven <3


This is absolutely wonderful. Starts off pretty normal, and then just gets bizarre by number 5, but I love it all the more.


This is so adorbs! It reminds me of I get so mad at people (dog owners) who don't respect the truly simple minds that their beloved animals have. Stop getting mad at them for not responding to people logic! They don't know that your bedroom pillow is from Crate and Barrel and their dog bed was not!

Desirable behavior + (command + treat + praise) X a lot = dog that responds to commands

(Dog that responds to commands)(daily exercise) = Happy dog

They just want to sniff and lick and eat and love you.


There is a lot of crying, and a lot of snot, and a lot of used tissues, and then I look at the used tissues and think about how much he loved used tissues, and just this… there's a lot of crying.


This made me laugh. And cry when I thought about my sweet and dearly departed dog, who I hope has found a tennis ball bride in heaven <3 enterprise architecture training


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