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Things You Probably Won’t Hear Me Say

1. Meet you for breakfast at 8? Could we make it 7:15? It’s just that it’s my day off and I have a ton of stuff to cross off of my to-do list.

2. I can’t even believe I’m saying this but, reggaeton is actually not that bad. I mean, it’s just that … it’s just way ahead of its time, is all.

3. Well, just between us astronauts…

4. Oh my God, you have a baby?! Do you have a minute to maybe, like, show me some pictures or something?

5. Guys, relax. I’m absolutely certain that this is the exit we’re supposed to be taking.

6. Has anyone seen that extra thousand dollars I had lying around? Not this thousand dollars (holds up roll of money), the one with the blue rubber band wrapped around it?

7. I’m sorry but no, I don’t want to pet your puppy.

8. Did anyone else hear the radio this morning? Really awesome set, that DJ really brought it!

9. Sick tats, bro.

10. Hmmm, as much as I would love to, I kind think it might interfere with my “five-year plan.”

11. I really hope they’re gonna be able to fit another commercial break in here before this show is over.

12. I mean, I guess he was all right, but that Latin accent? Guh-ross.

13. I really hope that debt collector calls again, I accidentally erased the message before I got to write the number down.

14. Honey, there is nothing I want more than to see photos of that vacation you took with your ex.

15. These instructions make perfect sense. I almost wish they didn’t include the diagram.

16. I just can’t sleep knowing there’s not a dust ruffle on this bed!!

17. The thought of my parents having sex is … I don’t know? Beautiful? Natural?

Krissy Howard is a writer living in Brooklyn. She is small and has black hair and has a dog who also has black hair.


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