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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

387

Things You Probably Won't Hear Me Say

1. Meet you for breakfast at 8? Could we make it 7:15? It’s just that it’s my day off and I have a ton of stuff to cross off of my to-do list.

2. I can’t even believe I’m saying this but, reggaeton is actually not that bad. I mean, it’s just that … it’s just way ahead of its time, is all.

3. Well, just between us astronauts…

4. Oh my God, you have a baby?! Do you have a minute to maybe, like, show me some pictures or something?

5. Guys, relax. I’m absolutely certain that this is the exit we’re supposed to be taking.

6. Has anyone seen that extra thousand dollars I had lying around? Not this thousand dollars (holds up roll of money), the one with the blue rubber band wrapped around it?

7. I’m sorry but no, I don’t want to pet your puppy.

8. Did anyone else hear the radio this morning? Really awesome set, that DJ really brought it!

9. Sick tats, bro.

10. Hmmm, as much as I would love to, I kind think it might interfere with my “five-year plan.”

11. I really hope they’re gonna be able to fit another commercial break in here before this show is over.

12. I mean, I guess he was all right, but that Latin accent? Guh-ross.

13. I really hope that debt collector calls again, I accidentally erased the message before I got to write the number down.

14. Honey, there is nothing I want more than to see photos of that vacation you took with your ex.

15. These instructions make perfect sense. I almost wish they didn’t include the diagram.

16. I just can’t sleep knowing there’s not a dust ruffle on this bed!!

17. The thought of my parents having sex is ... I don't know? Beautiful? Natural?

Krissy Howard is a writer living in Brooklyn. She is small and has black hair and has a dog who also has black hair.



387 Comments / Post A Comment

Beericle

Do these pants make my ass look too small?

fareby_galore

@Beericle I have said this.

ritualtheory

You have a handsome face, but it would look sooooo much better with a soul patch.

:Cinnamon Girl:

@ritualtheory SOUL PATCHES SHOULD BE ILLEGAL!!!!!

ritualtheory

@.Lauren. They will be, when I am Queen.

annepersand

@ritualtheory My best friend has a natural soul patch (like, that's just the way his facial hair grows in). I feel really bad because obviously it's not on purpose. But. No. Just, no.

Craftastrophies

@ritualtheory Like, the band?

ritualtheory

@annepersand But he makes it disappear, right? I have hair that naturally grows under my arms, but I make it disappear. Please tell him to make it disappear.

ritualtheory

@Craftastrophies I hope you are referring to Freddie Mercury et al, because if there is a band named Soul Patch, I quit everything.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@ritualtheory Does singing "SOOOUUUULLL PAAAATCH!" like the Soul Glo jingle make it better or worse?

Peanut

@ritualtheory Is your best friend Sufjan Stevens?

MrsBug

@ritualtheory Queen? You are so benevolent. I always just default to Dictator (Dictatress?) and keep it real. :D

Bridget Smith@twitter

Ahahah, number 8! I have lost count of how many times I've actually said that.

(In fairness, it was when I WAS a radio DJ, and I was saying it to my coworkers. "Dude, awesome break!" "Loved your retro lunch set!" "Um, those first 3 songs I heard when I woke up? Made my morning." I listened to the radio a lot then. It's a weird perspective. But the job was AMAZING.)

redheaded&crazy

DID SOMEBODY SAY PUPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alternately: DID SOMEBODY SAY LATIN ACCENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

laurel

@redheadedandcrazy Wait, I thought the problem was that we didn't know what a Latin accent sounded like?

Wait. Oh.

redheaded&crazy

@laurel well now I'm confused!

I guess my brain only understands puppies.

beanie

@redheadedandcrazy my sister-in-law recently told me she doesn't like dogs. I now suspect she is a robot.

laurel

@redheadedandcrazy Jus' being a smartass. No one knows definitively how Latin, the language, was pronounced. But we do know what a Latino/Hispanic accent sounds like. And we liiiiiiiike it.

How's your babydog?

wharrgarbl

@beanie I don't care for dogs, most of the time, but I will take all of the puppies ever.

Apocalypstick

@laurel Well we do a bit, because of things like poems and puns and mis-spellings. It's actually fascinating.

miwome

@laurel I am going to take this opportunity to tell my Terrible Latin Joke:

Why is Latin a dead language?
Because the verbs wanted to conjugate, but the nouns DECLINED! Ahaaa!

Whoo, now I miss seventh grade.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@redheadedandcrazy
How about: A PUPPY WITH A LATIN ACCENT!!!

Okay, I now have a plan for my next feature film.

laurel

@Apocalypstick Yes.

@miwome: I actually chortled. Terrible li'l jokes! I mean, "I don't like li'l jokes."

redheaded&crazy

@laurel oh thank god I thought I realllly missed the joke on that one - but I only missed your joke! I'm only half-slow :)

every email in my inbox with the word puppy makes me grin like a fool - never mind that mine chews EVERYTHING IN SIGHT, puppies are the best!

j-furr

@redheadedandcrazy Oh my God, I have a Puppy! Do I have a minute to maybe, like, show me some pictures or something?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jennifercrighton/sets/72157625124017238/

wee_ramekin

@j-furr Eeeeeeeeep! He's adorable! Lil' Nug :)...

EpWs

@j-furr So cute! My parents are about to get a Jack Russell pup and I think I may just squeeze it all the time. Also apparently their neighbors just got a French Bulldog pup and so I am probably just going to go move back in with them. PUPPIES ALL THE TIME.

laurel

@j-furr

/THUD.

Ophelia

@j-furr Awwww! Can't believe I missed a puppy thread :)

SarahDances

@beanie I don't trust people who don't like dogs. If you're allergic, I pity you, and if you're afraid, I will either pity/laugh at/be exasperated by you (depending on which dogs you're afraid of and why - like, being afraid of dobermans because one tried to/did bite you as a child is legit; being afraid of my French Bulldog for no damn reason is ridiculous), but if you don't *like* them? Big red flag to me.

Wookiee Hole

@SarahDances I'm just gonna leave this here.

whateverlolawants

@j-furr I have a Jack Russell (mix) too and they are just SO. DAMN. HEARTBREAKINGLY. CUTE.

melis

ALL RIGHT NOT ALRIGHT
I FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT THIS
I MEAN I REALIZE THAT GRAMMATICALLY IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF A GRAY AREA BUT I DUNNO MAN

hairspin

@melis Yeah but he was alllll riiiiight.

melis

That said, this was totally great.

NeenerNeener

@melis I can never really explain it well to anyone, but I use both spellings. Which one I choose depends on the context.
I tend to reserve "all right" for when I mean everything is actually good, and I use "alright" when something might actually be kind of meh or when I could say it was a'ight. Yeah, I know, it makes no sense.

Craftastrophies

@NeenerNeener Yes, it does make sense. Because that is what those two (three?) different words actually mean.

I feel strongly about 'into' versus 'in to' as well, which is even more obscure and irritating, so I usually just tell myself to shut up. But it hurts me the same way people saying 'without further adieu' hurts.

melis

@NeenerNeener I accept your explanation with a needlessly begrudging and pained expression.

NeenerNeener

@Craftastrophies Thank you for being the only person ever to validate this particular choice of mine. And "into"? I get it, I do.

@melis That was all I could hope for.

queenofbithynia

@melis I EDIT (OR "EDIT") CRAP IN MY REAL LIFE AND I CORRECT "ALRIGHT" TO ALL RIGHT WITH AN IRON FIST. NOT BECAUSE OUR STYLE GUIDE SAYS SO, ALTHOUGH IT DOES. BECAUSE _I_ SAY SO.

miwome

@hairspin Was he Lady Stardust?

atipofthehat

@queenofbithynia

All RIGHT!

candybeans

@atipofthehat where does oll raight fit in to all this?
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcUi6UEQh00) (Watch it, then watch it ten more times)

Brunhilde

@NeenerNeener Which one starts the lyrics to the Humpty Dance? Also, is it "Alright Stop, Hammer Time" or "All Right Stop, Hammer Time"?

Creature Cheeseman

@melis Yes, he's lost his left hand. So he's going to be "all right."

NeenerNeener

@Brunhilde "All right, stop, collaborate, and listen."

@m.cat Well, he ain't exactly gonna be all right.

NeenerNeener

@Guy DeBr0'd Why yes, I do agree. But that's just me being arbitrary.

melis

@NeenerNeener Or British.

mwittier

@melis GREY, NOT GRAY. I FEEL EVEN MORE STRONGLY ABOUT THIS. STRONGLIER ENOUGH TO CREATE AN ACCOUNT.
All right, then?

D.@twitter

@melis I don't know...the Grammar Curmudgeon is pretty definitive...and "alright" is never all right.

Xanthophyllippa

@melis I WANT YOU TO MARRY ME.

HydrogenJukebox

Chocolate chip cookies? Ew, no thanks. I mean, they're all warm and gooey. Ick City.

EpWs

20. I'm giving up carbs.

oh, disaster

A 6:30 a.m. dentist appointment is a great way to start my day.

feartie

@andrea disaster Smear Test! Oh man, I can't wait.

SarahP

I have actually said #4, almost verbatim.

sam.i.am

@SarahP I say #5 on a regular basis and I'm almost always right.

Nutmeg

@SarahP I say number 4 way too often. I expect to never have time for anything once I start knowing more people with babies.

wharrgarbl

@SarahP I couldn't care less about baby pictures. I demand they present me with the actual child.

SarahP

@wharrgarbl I once asked a pregnant frend if I could see the ultrasound she mentioned she kept in her purse, and she was really surprised not only that I asked, but that I got so excited about it. "I CAN SEE A BABY HAAAAAAAAAND OMG!!!"

wharrgarbl

@SarahP "WOMAN! BRING ME YOUR BABY, THAT I MIGHT KISS IT, AND TOUSLE ITS LOCKS, AND ACCIDENTALLY MAKE IT CRY BY PRETENDING TO HAVE STOLEN ITS NOSE!"

kayjay

Coffee? No, thanks. Never touch the stuff.

melis

Woodhouse, you scoundrel, is this brandy?

Porn Peddler

@kayjay I'm just really careful about what I put in my body, you know?

wee_ramekin

This is great.

wee_ramekin

@wee_ramekin And I don't mean that as snark! I'm a little slow, so I didn't realize that of course the point of the comments would be to say your own "Things You Probably Won't Ever Hear Me Say". So when I said the above, it was with truthful admiration!

:Cinnamon Girl:

An alarm clock? Don't need it. I can rise without one.

dj pomegranate

@.Lauren. Oh, I never hit the snooze button. It's just better to get up immediately and get it over with, you know?

pterodactgirl

@dj pomegranate UGH. I hate when people say this! No! It isn't better! It's not even an option!!

EpWs

@dj pomegranate My boyfriend can do this, and complains about hearing his roommate's repeated alarms/snoozes across the hall. He is in for a rude...[puts on sunglasses]...awakening.

wharrgarbl

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher

Groan. I'd put "David Caruso's opening one-liners are my favorite part of CSI: Miami," but I'm not sure if I'd be lying at this point. There is something really breathtaking about them after a while. Also, "No, I totally don't mind when you hit the snooze five times when you have to get up earlier than I do. I think of each surprise awakening halfway through my sleep cycle as a precious gift of an opportunity to spend more time with you."

EpWs

@wharrgarbl I'm so sorry, I just couldn't help it. Terrible one-liners/puns/bad jokes in general are my weakness.

sandwiches

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I don't think I've ever seen an entire episode of CSI: Miami, but I really love how mocking Caruso's one liners has become a part of popular culture.

wharrgarbl

@sandwiches And yet they keep putting them in there! I mean, that's the really great thing. It's not like they hit season two and said "Huh, these really just aren't going over well, are they? We should stop." It's like all those people who are hellbent on making it to the top of Mount Everest. They look out over Rainbow Valley and nod to themselves and then keep going anyway.

pterodactgirl

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher You are amazing.

EpWs

@sandwiches Neither have I! It's just a part of Who We Are now. And that's a good thing.
@pterodactgirl Awwww thanks. :)

Inkling

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher It was WONDERFUL.

parla

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher YYYYEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

EpWs

@contrary @Inkcrafter I love all of you.

wee_ramekin

@all Oh no you guys! I am really sad I missed this thread, because I feel like you are all the kind of people who would really enjoy this video.

Inkling

@wee_ramekin He has the same under-baked face! I am fascinated.

wee_ramekin

@Inkcrafter "Woomp there it is, I...............................thought you knew."

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!

RosemaryF

I was officially an old lady when I said #1 to a friend, almost verbaitim. Seriously, I need to get shit done on my day off. Those things are precious!

sam.i.am

@RosemaryF The one time I tried to do this, I ended up waiting for the liquor store to open. NEVER AGAIN.

miwome

@sam.i.am This is beautiful.

PS I have said #1 too, except without the breakfast at 7:15 part. I can't do that shit.

Setec Astrology

@RosemaryF - Thing is, my version of #1 would be just, "Can I meet you for breakfast?" That is not a meal for sharing...

The Lady of Shalott

@sam.i.am Please don't tell my students this but last week I was in a huge hurry to leave class right away, even though I probably should have stayed to talk with a couple students, but the truth is that I had to run and catch the bus so I could get to the liquor store right after it opened because they were having a sale. I didn't want to walk. I am both lazy and also possibly an alcohol (but I'm in grad school so by definition I think I am both of these things). We should start a club.

gigglefest

@Setec Astrology Truth. didn't we all agree one day that if you're "meeting" people for "breakfast" then it's actually called brunch instead and it happens at like 10am the earliest? Right?

miwome

@The Lady of Shalott I appreciate you. Don't let the sober people get you down.

Wookiee Hole

@The Lady of Shalott If you are an alcohol then you are probably fancy and delicious and I would like to drink you please, madame.

JessicaLovejoy

I wish I were a little less disciplined. This place is almost too clean. Like a hospital.

Of course I haven't spent a solid chunk of my day trying to figure out the prefect's bathroom situation at Hogwarts. I use my critical thinking skills productively.

Do you have a smaller wine glass?

redheaded&crazy

@JessicaLovejoy Forget the prefect bathrooms, how many students does Hogwarts really have? Does each year have more than one room for the boys and girls and we just never hear about them? Doesn't it seem like there are more students than ever get shown? WHERE ARE ALL THE FILLER STUDENTS?

QuiteAmiable

@redheadedandcrazy I believe JK Rowling answered that once... and I think the answer was 5 boys and 5 girls of each grade level per house.

JessicaLovejoy

@redheadedandcrazy Off having their own crazy shenanigans, of course! The castle itself gives the students mysteries and shit to solve every year, that's why no 1 curr about the trio's end-of-the-year showdown. Everyone else is having their adventures wrapped up, too.

AND NO I WILL NOT FORGET ABOUT THE BATHROOMS. THEY HAUNT ME.

redheaded&crazy

@QuiteAimable I .... guess I'll go off and think about something more productive then!

*twiddles thumbs*

@JessicaLovejoy - what haunts you, thinking about all those well behaved prefects and what they might possibly get up to in that nice, big, private jacuzzi bathtub of theirs?

ohh ... back to thinking unproductive thoughts.

redheaded&crazy

@redheadedandcrazy STOP IT THEY ARE CHILDREN. ... fictional children.

you know what, forget this day.

beanie

@redheadedandcrazy oh my god, I think I just figured there were separate prefect bathrooms? I was always way more interested in getting a tub that had all the different jets with bubbles and such.

Verity

@JessicaLovejoy The prefects' bathroom warrants a lot of thought. Is there just the one? If so, is there anything in place to stop prefects using it for sex? Where is it, and is it really that much more convenient if you have to traipse halfway across the castle from your common room/dormitory just to have a bath? What is the bathroom provision for the other Hogwarts pupils?

Pondering the Harry Potter world occupies far too much of my time. But it's fun!

TimeLordNinjaWizard

@Verity - I always wondered who would stop any of the kids from using the Room of Requirement for sex.

melis

@beccajanae Also: whither the wizard drugs? You can't tell me that they didn't use magic to invent some pretty epic drugs. I refuse to believe that Fred and George didn't sell weed.

QuiteAmiable

@Verity @beccajanae I refuse to believe any of the young wizards were having sex. I mean, they have flippin' magic wands and know spells and shit! Who would be wasting their time on sex with all of that awesomeness to be explored?!

lisma

@redheadedandcrazy She often describes the HUNDREDS of students swarming around the castle, but I've done the math and it doesn't work out. If there are 5 boy and 5 girls for each grade and there are 7 grades, that works out to 70 students per House which then works out to 280 students in the whole school. Just not that many kids!

Verity

@QuiteAimable That is very true (also, I definitely wasn't having sex at their age, so it seems wrong to suspect all of them of sneaking off to have sex all the time), but I still remain confused as to how practical the prefects' bathroom arrangements actually were. Would you want to have a bath really far away from your common room/dormitory, with the possibility of other people your age walking in on you? I would be horrified. "Oh god, the bitchy Ravenclaw prefect in sixth year just walked in while I was getting dry, and now I have to walk past the staff room in my pyjamas." :(

Verity

@ginalouise I think she's openly said that the maths doesn't add up, because she's not very good at it, but there are supposed to be about 1000 students in Hogwarts. Maybe Harry's year had a really small intake compared to the average.

Jennifer Bridges@facebook

@JessicaLovejoy I've clearly thought about this way too much, but: it seems natural that harry's year would have considerably fewer students than previous and later years. Those kids would've been born in the middle of the first war with Voldemort; it seems possible that there would be a natural decline in the birth rate.

#nerdout

redheaded&crazy

@melis Yes please to wizard weed. Just imagine the munchies!

Inkling

@Jennifer Bridges@facebook
Actually, didn't Molly say there was somewhat of a baby boom during that time? She married Arthur when shit started to get real, because they didn't know if they'd be alive the next day--and most of her kids are roughly in Harry's generation, right?
Even though there were children killed by Voldemort, I feel like the marriage explosion would balance it out, or even overcome the population decrease.
I wish my friends IRL would have this discussion with me :'(

redheaded&crazy

@Inkcrafter I just really like this conversation a whole lot.

All I can say is I'm not down with Molly's logic. SEVEN KIDS IN A WAR. Then again, probably too busy having desperate end of world sex to really think about those consequences... but you'd think after the 5th or 6th...

Lucienne

@Inkcrafter You guys, can I just say that the Harry Potter nerdouts are one of my favorite things about the comment section on this site?

redheaded&crazy

@Lucienne yeah I'm not really into children's books.

JessicaLovejoy

Just imagine the munchies!

@redheadedandcrazy Oh hai, just eating this whole hippogriff!

HAGRID STOP CRYING.

JessicaLovejoy

@Lucienne Me too, BB. So much.

Inkling

@redheadedandcrazy
Well, Ginny was post-war, but EVERYONE ELSE. Yikes, lady.
Although, we don't know her life! She's really adept at household spells, so maybe pregnancy (and actual giving birth?) was not as hard on her as a housewife than it is on Muggle women. The house runs itself, Arthur is sexy, I'm clit-deep in GSA, the neighbors disappeared, QUICK MAKE MORE OF US.

JessicaLovejoy

@Inkcrafter Today I read something referring to the Weasleys' as "Quiverfull bullshit" and I laughed so hard I strained something.

The real problem will be a few generations from now when half of Britain's wizarding world is Weasley, and people are going to have to leave the country in order to date.

sandwiches

@JessicaLovejoy this makes me so happy.

Dancercise

Free cookies in the break room? Nah, I'll pass. I'm super swamped with this new project.

melis

@Dancersize To be fair, you've definitely said the second half of that to me often. Like when I ask you to steal ONE MEASLY BAG of salt and vinegar chips off of Nic's desk when he's in a meeting and probably wouldn't even notice.

Dancercise

@melis
Says the person who worked through lunch today.

dj pomegranate

@Dancersize Nah, I brought my lunch, it'll throw off my calorie count for the day. Thanks, though!

melis

@Dancersize SO I COULD GO RETURN A SWEATER

melis

...at Lululemon. That someone bought me for my birthday yesterday.

I relinquish the moral high ground to you, worthy adversary.

apples and oranges

@Dancersize I think I'll only have half the brownie/cookie/piece of cake.

NO, EAT THE DAMN THING. If I have half, it's only to SAVE the second half.

 
SarahP

@Nutmeg COMMENT TWINS.

Nutmeg

@SarahP HAHA I deleted mine to comment on yours instead as soon as I saw it! I REGRET IT

wharrgarbl

I know you wanted the biography of the twenty-year-old Jesus-quarterback guy, but I just thought you'd enjoy The God Delusion so much more.

Jolly Farton

@wharrgarbl
your underlining, it is beautiful.

slutberry

I say #6 ALL THE TIME.

totally.

really.

okay, not really.

Jaya

When my boyfriend and I moved in together, I made him throw away his dust ruffle.

leonstj

@Jaya I'm not sure how one is supposed to make their room look clean without a dust ruffle? Wouldn't everyone just see all the shit shoved haphazardly under the bed?

thebestjasmine

@leon.saintjean This is the exact reason that I have one, yes.

Jaya

@leon.saintjean We have a low-hanging bed anyway, so it's pretty hard to see anything under there unless you're actually looking. All you see are the very edges of two big plastic containers where we keep our shoes. And it looks much cleaner without a ruffle, which usually just got dirty whenever the cats went back and forth.

atipofthehat

@leon.saintjean

All this time, I thought it was a rust duffle. Now where will I keep my off-season clothes?

Any One Ninja Plot

My version of #8: did you hear all the talking between songs on the radio this morning? Those strangers discussing Kim Kardashian really get me excited about my day and life in general.

Saiko

@Any One Ninja Plot "I wonder what's going on with Kim Kardashian?"

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@Saiko Those Kardashians are so mysterious and tight-lipped about their personal lives! I wish they'd open up a little!

dj pomegranate

@quickdrawkiddo I really thought it was true love! If they can't make it work, who can? :(

hearththr

No, I don't think I'm going to have another drink.

Saiko

@hearththr 1. I went to a dry wedding and 2. I had a great time.

whizz_dumb

@hearththr My thoughts exactly. "I have consumed my maximum amount of alcohol and calories from those 3 beers."

redonion

@hearththr Yep. "Oh no, I never drink more than one or two during the week."

emilylou

@redonion I really do say that a lot.
And by "a lot" I mean "at the doctor's office, so I don't feel ashamed during my check-ups"

redonion

@emilylouise Oh man, those forms. I always want to ask, what if 3 weeks running I fall into the highest checkbox (alcoholic checkbox???), and then for another weeks running I hit the 1-2 drinks per week checkbox? Can we just say it evens out? Then I usually just check the 1-2 per week box and hope nothing's wrong with my liver.

gidgetjones

@redonion @emilylouise I would worry about what me liking your comments with enthusiasm says about my...enthusiasm for libations. But nah, NM. Libations!

LornaLoo

As for #13 regarding wishing the bill collector called back, I have said that.

When he did call back and I was ready to pay in full he told me he didn't know what to do because no one had ever said THAT to him before.

Before you think I am some kind of debt destroying millionaire, it was a tiny medical bill for a somewhat embarrassing procedure I was sort of kind of secretly asking and hoping my then boyfriend would pay for.

Craftastrophies

@LornaLoo I have seriously said that. And then they did, in the middle of my cousin's wedding. I did actually have my phone on silent, but still, timing.

I wanted them to call me back so I could tell them to stop calling me, because it was for my credit card that had been defrauded AFTER I cancelled it. Therefore, not my problem. Their answer 'oh, well, we'll just up your credit limit, then our system will say you're not in debt!'

Crashy

"I don't really watch TV. I mean, I have one, but I never turn it on."

Crashy

"Sometimes I just FORGET to eat!"

Nutmeg

@Crashy See, I say this, but what I mean by it is, "I spend 4 hours a day watching Netflix Instant on my computer."

Jaya

@Crashy "Forgetting to eat just puts me in the best mood!"

wharrgarbl

@Nutmeg Yes. "I don't watch tv" = "On-demand or gtfo".

fabel

@Crashy Gah hate when people say that

miwome

@Crashy *sheepish* this actually did happen to me regularly for a couple months. It was not a good thing.

hot dog princess

You trying to mime some kind of love message to me in traffic is really appealing, and yes, I'd love to date and/or sex you!

Craftastrophies

@hot dog princess Wow, what an impressively loud and shiny car! I bet that means your dick is really big, right?

EpWs

@Craftastrophies Why yes, man shouting at me from loud shiny car, I WILL let you hit this thang! Large spinny rim things turn me on.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

I'm really glad Facebook alerts me whenever one of my exes gets engaged. Otherwise I'd worry about the poor dears!

wee_ramekin

@quickdrawkiddo "I feel so good inside when I see pictures of my ex with another girl, especially if it's right after we broke up. I just want them to be happy, you know? And it's even better if I see this when I'm still single! I'm just taking time. For me."

:Cinnamon Girl:

Reality TV is boring.

miwome

@.Lauren. I absolutely do not have an addiction to Australian reality television (I'm not Australian).

Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook

Please tell me all about your health issues.

Let's turn off the music/tv while we eat so I can hear our chewing sounds more clearly.

melis

"What else did you decide you're maybe allergic to this year?"

ritualtheory

@Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook Oh my sweet and beautiful Lord, the chewing comment is going on my tombstone with scare quotes.

CrescentMelissa

@Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook I love this and am totally going to steal it.

Craftastrophies

@Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook Yes, grandma, let's discuss Israel! I looked up some talking points in case you were in the mood!

Crashy

@Kerri Mercury Morris@facebook Related: "No, go ahead, clip your fingernails in the office. It's totally fine."

EpWs

@Crashy OH MY GOD SOMEONE IN MY OFFICE DOES THIS. (DAILY???) It makes me want to shoot someone/myself in the head.

Craftastrophies

@Crashy "What? No, your nail polish remover doesn't smell or give me a headache. Yeah, it's totally acceptable office behaviour to take off and reapply nail polish in our tiny shared space."

"No, you're right. We're definitely wrong about it being cold in here. Oh, all these extra layers of clothes and this scarf? I just thought it looks stylish. No, there is NO WAY you are going through menopause and having hot flushes, it's just that we're all actually lizard people. Yeah. Lizard people. Much more likely."

EpWs

@Crashy "No, it's fine, go ahead and smoke in this car we have to share for the next five hours. Really."

gidgetjones

@Crashy AAAHHH! I had a co-worker who clipped his nails (fingers AND toes) onto his desktop, until our boss bought him a trashcan (I think he had one, but buried under all his detritus) and sent an email extolling the virtues of placing one's HUMAN WASTE PRODUCTS in one's trash receptacle.
Sorry. I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT THIS.

candybeans

"Gross, this burrito/pasta/bowl of nachos has WAY too much cheese."

redheaded&crazy

@candybeans "Gross, this burrito/bowl of nachos has WAY too much guacamole"

(have never put guacamole on pasta ... probably a shortcoming on my part)

You'll be sorry Jo March

@candybeans Gross, I can't eat that sour cream! I'm lactose intolerant. (I am, in fact, lactose intolerant, but I will never refuse a dollop of the condiment of the gods.)

Nutmeg

"Oh, no thank you, I don't smoke. You guys go outside without me."

melis

Even less likely: "Oh, I smoke, but only from my own pack that I've paid for myself. I never just borrow from you every time I'm drunk and you're not watching your purse."

thebestjasmine

"Going running first thing in the morning makes me have so much energy for the rest of my day!"

wee_ramekin

"I really enjoy having conversations about dieting! Please tell me more about how 'bad' you're being when you have a cookie - these soulful confessions really interest and intrigue me!"

wee_ramekin

"How was your Thanksgiving?! No, really...I'm interested!"

Does Axl have a jack?

@wee_ramekin "Do tell me about how enormous you are, person-who-is-half-my-size!"

Craftastrophies

@wee_ramekin Wow, talking about all the food you can't have is really fascinating! (shoves half a cake into mouth)

Does Axl have a jack?

@wee_ramekin I deeply care how many Points that yogurt is.

Craftastrophies

@armyofskanks Excuse me, would you happen to know how long I would have to work out to negate this delicious snack? I'm so glad you're hear to tell me these things!

candybeans

@wee_ramekin "Oh, shoot, I was having so much revising my resume and scanning job boards that i *totally* forgot to sadly and nervously eat a bag of chocolate chips and a jar of peanut butter while weeping softly!!"

NeenerNeener

I'm getting fed up with this orgasm!

melis

"...Kristen Stewart!"

NeenerNeener

What, Kristen Stewart? Oh, she's alright.

You'll be sorry Jo March

@melis "Kristen Stewart? She is not appealing at all to me."

melis

Not even in jest, you guys. Not even in jest.

femme cassidy

@You'll be sorry Jo March "Kristen Stewart? Hell yeah, I'd hit that." (sorry guys)

Does Axl have a jack?

No, I can't meet you for pizza and drinks tonight; I need to go to the gym instead.

Tim Tracy

@armyofskanks I've actually said this before. Shameful (or not?) In my defense I was going to be out of town for a conference the rest of the week but yeah...still lame as fuck.

Ten Thousand Buckets

Man, fuck dust ruffles.

laurel

"No, I don't want to read your Hairpin/Awl post and comment on it repeatedly."

Cawendaw

@laurel "I just write a comment and then leave it there. It can take care of itself, I don't need to check it every 5 minutes to see if people like it."

laurel

@Cawendaw "I never get a giddy thrill when someone whose comments I admire replies to one of mine."

wee_ramekin

@laurel "I really wish A Clean Person and A Queer Chick would just stop posting. Forever."

wee_ramekin

@wee_ramekin "I don't ever think about how amazing it would be if all my favorite Pinners decided to move to my city and become my best friends."

wharrgarbl

@wee_ramekin
"I really wish A Clean Person and A Queer Chick would just stop posting. Forever."
*gasp* Not even in jest!

Cawendaw

@laurel "When people say nice things about me on the internet (and I'd never know if they did, because I am not so insecure as to check), I react with grace and dignity and I sound nothing at all like a guinea pig."

Craftastrophies

@wharrgarbl I KNOW! I had a little mini panic attack. Shhhh, don't you know the universe is listening! And it has a whack sense of humour.

Also, "I definitely never think about if no one ever likes my comments because I post late, or because no one likes my comments. I have better things to worry about!"

wee_ramekin

"If Edith were ever to like one of my comments, there's absolutely no way that I would walk around all day with my head held just a little bit higher."

wee_ramekin

"God! Melis is really not funny, you know?"

melis

@wee_ramekin Don't worry, I'm still desperately unhappy.

Verity

@wee_ramekin How do you find out who has liked your comments, as opposed to how many people have?

wee_ramekin

@Verity If you click on someone's username, there's an option to look at their 'Liked Comments'. If they have liked your comment, it will show up in their history!

Verity

@wee_ramekin Thanks!

laurel

@wee_ramekin "I have never clicked on someone's username and selected 'liked comments' to see if they liked one of mine. Ever."

emilylou

@wee_ramekin The day I realized people could do that, I started to feel kind of worried about some of the liking sprees I've enjoyed throughout my rich Hairpin past. Oh well, everyone can know, I am a very liberal Liker!

wee_ramekin

@emilylouise Oh Heavens, so am I! And because I'm such a liberal Liker, sometimes when I am feeling masochistic, I get it in my head to be really hurt when my favorite Pinners haven't liked every single post I've ever written. And then I realize what a fool I am and I get off the internet and do a Real Thing.

:Cinnamon Girl:

@wee_ramekin How can you tell who likes your comments?? (Or is this not possible yet)

redheaded&crazy

@emilylouise speaking of liking sprees, +1 to you all for this thread.

wee_ramekin

@.Lauren. You can't tell who has liked them. You just have to creep around like a creeper and look at everyone's "liked comments" and cackle like a gleeful Gollum when you see that melis has FINALLY liked something you've said. #cough

Craftastrophies

@wee_ramekin WHAT I WOULD NEVER DO THAT WHAT DO YOU MEAN.

:Cinnamon Girl:

@wee_ramekin I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I COULD DO THAT

Nutmeg

@melis "I have the perfect cure for you. There is a commenter on The Hairpin whose comments you must read, they will cheer you right up! Her name is Melis."
"But, Doctor, I am Melis."

I think that is my favorite joke, even though I'm not entirely sure it's supposed to be funny.

BoozinSusan

@wee_ramekin Um I just creeped all over your Liked comments to see if you've liked any of the roughly five comments I've written lately, but the first few pages of Likes were just from this comment section. RESPECK. (and a little awe)

wee_ramekin

@BoozinSusan Well I mean, there's just so much to like! There are so many funny, well-written, pun-laden, earnest comments on the 'Pin, and I like them all! Either that, or I heartily agree with what someone says, or it resonates with me.

And heeeeee! You should look at my 'Liked Comments' now! I just liked one of yours before I read this one :)!

rayray

@wee_ramekin I have never been mad because I've missed half a days-worth of on the Hairpin and been sad that commenting on them the next day means no-one will like or respond.

Jolly Farton

@rayray girl, I got you

:Cinnamon Girl:

@rayray hear hear! (And the next day, too!)

femme cassidy

@wee_ramekin "I've decided to stop writing advice columns, because really, who am I to think that people need me to tell them how to live their lives?"

wee_ramekin

@femme cassidy I NEED YOU TO TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE. #realtalk

Saiko

Back in *cough cough* 1992, Mad Magazine had a similar feature to this, wherein one of the items was "If there is a way to contact the afterlife, I'll bet it's with a mass-produced plastic boardgame from Parker Brothers." Good times...

LornaLoo

@Saiko I'm pretty sure that Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions altered my brain in some permanent way. Kudos to a Mad Magazine reference. Too bad the sketch show suuuuuuucked.

Brunhilde

I really enjoy your insights on what I ought to be doing with my life right now!

Craftastrophies

@Brunhilde Hm, isn't it incredible that all I needed to do to turn my life around was to be more like you!

miwome

@Brunhilde Why yes, I DO believe you know more than I do about my academic/life specialty, and now that you mention you think my moving overseas is a bad idea, I will totally change my life plan! Thanks, My Ex!

...obviously, this bears no relation to any recent conversations whatsoever.

Cawendaw

@miwome "I really don't have strong opinions on living abroad. There's no right or wrong way to go about it, and I don't think it gives you any special insight."
(Seriously I am biting my tongue so hard so as not to fly into a fit of very-not-objective verbal diarrhea in the Asexual Japan thread)

wharrgarbl

@Cawendaw "The internet is not the place to fly into fits of very-not-objective verbal diarrhea."

Cawendaw

@wharrgarbl Temptation... so... strong... must... restrain... capslock...

miwome

@Cawendaw "Living abroad is definitely not fun at all, either. Also, other languages are stupid and boring. And the food is so WEIRD looking!"

I feel your pain. My experience knowing a lot (sort of) about The Middle East and having spent some time in Syria/Lebanon has taught me that EVERYONE IS AN IDIOT IGNORAMUS, and thank god I'm not knowledgeable about more things because I would have to hide under a rock all the time. As it is, I can't really read the newspaper.

Cawendaw

@miwome The trouble for me has been that I don't feel I have a very good perspective on my knowledge, so I'm not sure what in my living-abroad knowledge base is a brilliant deduction, what is a self-evident fact that almost everyone in my home country gets wrong for whatever reason, what is an overcorrection for a previous misconception (which ends up being just as wrong in the other direction), what is a perfectly reasonable conjecture that I advocate with undue emotional and rhetorical force because it resonates so much with my personal experience, and what is me just being a jerk and trying desperately to know more about things than everyone else because with all the effort I've put into staying I should at least get know-it-all rights.
If I allow myself to start correcting people, there's a danger that I'll become that one expat guy who is personally offended that anyone else would presume to know anything about this country, because only he has truly struggled here, and to him alone has the truth been revealed as just reward for his tribulations. So until I get some distance and objectivity I'm keeping my darn fool mouth shut.

wee_ramekin

"Man, you're so right! I bet Barack Obama was born in Nigeria!"

wee_ramekin

"Those banking CEOs, gosh! they're doing such a great job. I earnestly believe they deserve those bonuses they're making."

wee_ramekin

"I think that my interests are best served by the Republican party. They're always fighting for the little guy, you know?"

Craftastrophies

@wee_ramekin "Now you put it like that, I definitely see that gay people having the same rights as everyone else would undermine the sanctity of the very relevant and important institution of marriage."

Craftastrophies

@Craftastrophies "Yes, all those boat people are definitely jumping a queue. A queue that totally exists, is real in every way, and in completely accessible. It DOES seem suspicious that people fleeing for their lives don't have any identification papers on them! We should probably just let them all drown."

Craftastrophies

@melis CLEANSE IT WITH TORPEDOES!

leastimportantperson

Would you mind frequently interrupting me after I've started this giant project for you to see if I'm finished with it yet? Let me emphasize frequently!

Kate Kane

@leastimportantperson And speaking of that giant project, I'm so glad that you didn't fully explain what you wanted. I feel so much better having to ask you 10 questions every couple hours instead of getting all that tedious information up front!

leastimportantperson

@Kate Kane HOW DID YOU KNOW??????

Kate Kane

@leastimportantperson I swear "always keep 'em guessing" is in a secret managerial/client handbook. (Followed by: "assume they are idiots when they continue to ask questions. Tip: Be sure to stand back 10 feet when it looks like their head may be on the verge of explosion!")

wharrgarbl

I would love to be on another work committee, especially if it's something inherently pointless and unproductive like holiday party decorations. Could I maybe chair it?

wee_ramekin

QUEER EDITION:

"No. I absolutely do not find Kate Moennig attractive."

"I love Jenny."

"Attractive, butch women are a dime a dozen in these parts!"

"Lesbian twins...SO HOT, RIGHT?!"

"Aw, those drunk straight girls kissing are so cute!"

"Roller derby? Gross."

melis

@wee_ramekin NO LIE I USED TO DATE A GIRL WHOSE FAVORITE CHARACTER WAS JENNY. Also she hated Bette.

In retrospect I should have taken that as the sign it was and left immediately.

wee_ramekin

@melis I know someone who spoke fondly of her ex by saying "She was just like Jenny".

O_O

ETA: Okay, also? Who hates Bette?

melis

"I don't know - the sex is great and all, but I feel like I never know what she's thinking, you know? Like what's going on inside her head? She's such a mystery to me, emotionally."

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@wee_ramekin "Drinks with Rachel Maddow? Nah, she seems boring."
"Why yes, random man at the bar, of course you can join us in bed tonight! Thanks for asking!"

wee_ramekin

"You're right. I'm bisexual because I've never had sex with a real lesbian / man."

"Stop crying. You should have known that I would cheat on you. I am bisexual, after all."

Craftastrophies

@wee_ramekin "Yes, now that I am in a relationship with a man, it definitely means that I am 'cured'. Now I'm a 'hasbian!'"

"You're right. The fact that I'm queer and my partner is queer definitely doesn't make it a queer relationship. We're totally straight, now, and you can go back to thinking about us as if we were safe, and exactly like you."

"HAHAHAAH 'I can't go to the roller derby because I'm not a lesbian' AHAHAH YOU ARE THE FUNNIEST"

"I'm not bisexual, I'm just a slut!"

Excuse me. I have to go cleanse some things with fire, now.

Craftastrophies

@Craftastrophies Also, "Hey guys, I just found out that if I use a strapon with my girlfriend, it means that I'm actually straight, and so is she, because she's thinking about guys and their cocks the whole time, and can't really love me! And if I use one with my boyfriend, it means that he's actually gay and is thinking about guys and their cocks the whole time, and can't really love me! DID YOU KNOW THIS?"

melis

@Craftastrophies People who use the word 'hasbian' should be immediately and quietly garrotted, if only for aesthetic reasons and leaving the weird sexual politics out of it altogether.

Craftastrophies

@melis It. Was. My. Boss.

Craftastrophies

@Craftastrophies She also made the roller derby joke.

I kind of love portmanteau words. But only secretly, and only if they are good. 'Hasbian' doesn't even... it's not... no. Just, no.

melis

@Craftastrophies HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT

wee_ramekin

@Craftastrophies "Your boss sounds like a real peach!"

wharrgarbl

@Craftastrophies Ugh, awful bosses. Awful bosses in a shitty economy. They're just the worst.

My mom busted out with the slut one. I still haven't really forgiven her for it.

Craftastrophies

@wharrgarbl I'm not actually out at work. And now I never will be, thanks boss. I mean, if I got outed that would be fine but I'm not exactly begging to have that conversation with these people. The comment was about another colleague, and it's fine, because everyone in the room at the time was straight! Oh, wait...

I had a friend self-apply the slut comment. Wait. 'Friend'. Wait. Ex-'friend'.

wharrgarbl

@Craftastrophies Ugh. Just ugh to the whole situation. And good call about the ex-friend.

femme cassidy

@wee_ramekin "I find mainstream girl-on-girl porn to be both arousing and an accurate representation of my sex life!"

Craftastrophies

@femme cassidy I choked on my coffee. "I don't wince with pain when I see their long, fake nails. Nope, totally sexy."

wee_ramekin

@Craftastrophies "Kristen Stewart? Totally straight."

sam.i.am

This salad is OK, but it would be even better without all these nasty croutons.

nice_belt

@sam.i.am This salad is OK, but I'm so sad to be eating it alone.

Kira Goldenberg

Can't we just listen to the "High School Musical" soundtrack one more time?

Decca

@Kira Goldenberg Hey hey hey, let's not get hasty. The soundtrack to High School Music 3 is very good!

melis

@Decca But it cannot hold a candle to High School Musical 2, the greatest and the gayest of all the High School Musicals. What time is it? SUMMERTIME.

Alixana

@Kira Goldenberg And also, "Get Your Head in the Game" is an excellent pre-finals anthem.

sarah girl

@Kira Goldenberg BUT I THOUGHT WE WERE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER :(

insouciantlover

No that's cool, I think turn signals are a waste of time too!

wee_ramekin

@insouciantlover GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (you have spoken to my soul)

redheaded&crazy

@insouciantlover what's worse, changing lanes without signalling, or signalling without changing lanes?

*eye twitches*

beanie

@redheadedandcrazy WHEN THEY LEAVE THE SIGNALS ON FOREVER. FOR MILES.

I have a lot of feelings.

sam.i.am

@insouciantlover "It really doesn't bother me when SUVs park in the compact spaces. I take their spots all the time, so why shouldn't they take mine?"

wee_ramekin

@sam.i.am "I totally understand why you drive a Hummer! The reasons for doing so are numerous AND legitimate."

wharrgarbl

@redheadedandcrazy Hmm. Signalling without changing lanes is very annoying and puts everyone on edge, waiting for them to do something anything jesus where are these people fucking going? But changing lanes without signalling can actually be pretty dangerous.

Verity

@insouciantlover Oh god, I HATE it when people don't indicate. IF I AM TRYING TO CROSS THE ROAD, I NEED TO KNOW IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO TURN DIRECTLY INTO MY PATH AND RUN ME OVER. Why do so few people bother?

miwome

@wee_ramekin MINE TOO FUCK YOU BOSTON DRIVERS

Craftastrophies

@Verity It is called a turn signal, because it's supposed to signal when you turn. IT IS NOT A TRICK.

Verity

@Craftastrophies It's more fun to startle pedestrians and make them want to shout abuse at you though, right?

NeenerNeener

@miwome HEY BUDDY, FUCK YOU TOO!

EpWs

@All of you I just liked everything in this thread because MY PEOPLE, I LOVE YOU. Please come and drive around me.

miwome

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher It will be a Busby-Berkeley-esque pinwheel of cars around your joyous upturned face, and every time one of the cars makes a move it will signal appropriately.

miwome

@NeenerNeener LISTEN, KNUCKLEHEAD, YOU WANNA BE AN ASSHOLE, WE CAN DO THIS

EpWs

@miwome JUBILATION.

tortietabbie

@wee_ramekin "Wow, 17 mpg IS pretty excellent!"

redonion

I do think working as a mid-level office employee might in fact be my calling.

leastimportantperson

@redonion hahaha SOB SOB SOB

redonion

I have too many pairs of shoes. I don't think I'll ever need another pair.

redonion

@redonion No bartender, I do not find you attractive in the least.

Craftastrophies

@redonion You know, I probably won't read these books again anyway. Maybe I'll get rid of them!

redonion

@Craftastrophies You are in my head. Do you have enough space? It tends to get a bit cramped with all the books piled around.

thebestjasmine

"Is it possible to get that without the bacon and avocado?"

dj pomegranate

I totally get the appeal of Michele Bachmann.

leastimportantperson

Now that I'm a lot drunker, I'm going to have to put the brakes on this.

Decca

"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis"

HydrogenJukebox

@Decca: Pronouncing (and spelling) this word is my go-to party trick.
Along with "hepaticocholangiocholecystentersotomies" and "asseocarnisanguineoviscericartilaginonervomedullary".

...I am not much fun at parties.

sandwiches

@Decca Learning that word was the only fun part of sixth grade.

Atheist Watermelon

@Decca OH MY GOD that word is how I alienated everyone around me in the second grade! A word to older sisters: never teach your 7-year-old, garrulous, obnoxiously precocious younger sister how to spell big words. You will only ensure that all the other 7-year-olds will hate them.

TimeLordNinjaWizard

"There's a Doctor Who marathon today? Meh, I think I'll pass."

Verity

"You're right, I don't need any more books."

koume

@Verity "Free books? But what for?"

obvi.

What's that mom? You want me to move closer to home so you can come over unannounced? That'd be great!

You'll be sorry Jo March

"Musicals are so dumb. They all just start singing out of nowhere!"
"Aren't the Muppets' movies, like, kids' movies?"
"I'm not stressed at all this quarter! I think I finally beat this procrastination thing."
"No, I think I've seen enough cat pictures today."
"I can't believe they started playing Christmas music in October! Way too early."

likethestore

I am the person who likes seeing baby pictures. :/

wharrgarbl

@Lemon Juice A) Loving puppies does not lead to awkward conversations about when you're going to go have a puppy of your own.

B) Puppies are adorable pretty much universally, but there are a lot of babies, especially produced by people you don't know well or don't care for, who look a lot like tiny Winston Churchills. It can wind up being like something out of one of those Dr. Who episodes that "don't count" because the scripts were the work of a guest author or something.

redheaded&crazy

@likethestore it's just that ... don't they all look the same?

I like babies! I just think they are cuter in person than in pictures. Actually I also prefer toddlers that can do silly/stupid things. I'm not a HUGE grinch, just a little one.

likethestore

@redheadedandcrazy I love them all. Babies, toddlers, bratty elementary school kids. Bring it.

apb
apb

@wharrgarbl My parents referred to me exclusively as "Winston" when I was a baby. Once in awhile, they still bust it out (I'm 31). They're irreverent people. (Also I love photos of babies and puppies and I also love not having to clean up after one of either of them of my own!)

miwome

I hate bourbon. I have absolutely no interest in a Buffalo Trace, neat. Nope.

ludakrissy

babe, your ex is GORGEOUS!! that bone structure?! is she Scandinavian, or...

feartie

If anything, I'm too even tempered.

Crashy

"Sure, now's a great time to stop by. I just tidied up!"

NeenerNeener

@Crashy "I love pop-ins. So, whenever you're in the neighborhood..."

Tulletilsynet

The alt-text on that roll of one-dollar bills says "Money." Hope it's not too late to correct that.

EpWs

Why no, Mr. Jehovah's Witness, I don't know where I'm spending eternity--why don't you come inside my home and tell me?

olivia

The best part of having cats is cleaning out their litter boxes!

Hambulance

I mean you smell just fine, but I think if you just did a couple more passes with the Axe Body spray it would really push your sex appeal over the top for me.

Hambulance

I don't know, if my menstrual cramps WEREN'T paralyzing I just don't think I'd feel like a real woman.

becky_zharp

Oh no, I've just listened to that Beyonce song too many times.

mouthalmighty

Did you just whistle at me? I love when men do that!

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@mouthalmighty It's even better than getting honked at!

bisou

"i will take just ONE box of the samoas, thanks!"

wee_ramekin

@bisou "I will take just ONE box of the Samoas Thin Mints, thanks!".

There. I know that's what you meant to say.

apples and oranges

@wee_ramekin I have been having a really serious Samoa/Thin Mint debate the past couple weeks. THIN MINTS FOR VICTORY.

wee_ramekin

@kayarr Oh em GEE how could any one even seriously argue the Samoa-side?! In what objective way could anything with coconut ever be better that anything with mint?

BoozinSusan

@wee_ramekin In the way that Tagalongs (the peanut butter chocolate ones) are objectively better than BOTH of them. Booyah.::snaps fingers, disappears, leaving only sparkles::

Atheist Watermelon

@BoozinSusan "Tagalongs? No thanks, I hate peanut butter and chocolate together. Terrible combination of the worst two substances ever invented."

Elvis Costello's Spectacles

"I've decided to drink more water."

femme cassidy

@Elvis Costello's Spectacles "It would be physically possible for me to drink more water." Seriously, doesn't everyone just refill their water bottle every hour and drink from it continuously throughout the day? With bathroom breaks every 20 minutes?

Nave Espacial

Why the reggaeton hate??

But, yeah, #15 ahhh haha!

Blanca Méndez

@Nave Espacial She must not know about Arcangel.

wee_ramekin

@Blanca Méndez Or maybe she does know about Wisin y Yandel.

Tulletilsynet

I understand you watch a lot of reality TV. But how are your recapping skills?

You'll be sorry Jo March

@Tulletilsynet HA! I do this, but only with that really crazy episode of Trading Spouses.

schwa

You're right. Not having a business degree definitely makes me an unsuitable candidate for an entry-level job. How silly of me.

Xanthophyllippa

@schwa Your name is AWESOME. (No, really.)

schwa

@Xanthophyllippa Thank you! At least my linguistics degree was worth something, right?

BoozinSusan

"I've thought real long and hard about it, and I just can't seem to find any flaws in myself. Just blessed, I guess!"

Inkling

@BoozinSusan TOO BLESSED TO BE DEPRESSED

The Lady of Shalott

@BoozinSusan Mary Claire? Is that you?

wee_ramekin

"I think I'll just leave this zit alone."

Porn Peddler

@wee_ramekin "No, no, I don't want to see it hit the mirror at all."

wee_ramekin

@Third Wave Housewife "I would never call a close friend to tell them about an especially epic pimple-popping."

Porn Peddler

@wee_ramekin hello soulmate.

wee_ramekin

@Third Wave Housewife Should we exchange numbers?!

Porn Peddler

I'M SO SAD I WAS ASLEEP BY THE TIME THIS WENT UP. I, too, love puppies and don't want to see your baby, not one bit.

What on earth am I going to do when my friends start procreating?! :(

EpWs

@Third Wave Housewife Get abundant puppies.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Why, no, I don't need to try these jeans on before I buy them.

BoozinSusan

"The next Downton Abbey episode on Netflix Instant will have to wait. I have to sleep now, and who really cares what happens to fictional characters Lady Mary and Matthew Crawley anyway?"

likethestore

@BoozinSusan CAN'T WAIT FOR THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

sandwiches

@BoozinSusan ugh I got so excited for a moment, thinking "Are they just airing the most recent episodes on Netflix Instant now?!! Do I not have to wait until January to see it?!! *breathes excitedly into paper bag*" and then reality came in and crushed me.

likethestore

@sandwiches There's no need to wait for Netflix thanks to the wonderful thing called the internet...I've already watched series two!

BoozinSusan

@sandwiches Haha, sorry to get you all excited. But I, like @likethestore, just finished Series 2, too, thanks to Bit Torrent.

tortietabbie

@BoozinSusan I DON'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE ARE ABLE TO WAIT!!!! I was on that shit, like, immediately.

BoozinSusan

@tortietabbie Respeck. I watched Series 1 and 2 in two weeks, which is like lightning speed for me. Soooo gooood I want to go to there.

BoozinSusan

@likethestore Also, what Christmas Special?? I want to see Matthew Crawley hung with Christmas lights. That came out weird.

likethestore

@BoozinSusan A two hour special (I believe) airing Christmas Day in the UK! Joy to the world!!

sandwiches

@likethestore I'm hard of hearing; the lack of captions or subtitles (which I've never seen bundled with an internets-supplied show) renders a tv show pretty much pointless. I'll just go obsessively quote Violet Crawley at friends and total strangers until it starts airing in January. "What is a weekend?"

wee_ramekin

"Yum! Qream is delicious!"

giglet

I really will go sleep rather than read the entire 300+ comment thread on Hairpin. Really, I'd rather read the article, not the comments, thank you.

Diana

Lowest common denominator R&B just does not appeal to me. I need my music to be tasteful and appropriate to any situation.

master

there is nothing I want more than to see photos of that vacation you took with your ex.
Annette

vrouwzoekt

i need more dollar LOL

sarcasterisk

That Newt Gingrich is so alluring.

cat of the canals

I wish this bra would give me more quadruple boob...Oh well, at least we're out of gin!

Knows The Spanish Panic

"I think I'll close The Hairpin/Gmail/Facebook during this meeting so I don't get distracted."
"I think Jane Starlet's outfit needs more see-through bits."
"Nah, I don't need ibuprofen, I think it's best to let nature run its course without putting a bunch of chemicals in my system."

commanderbanana

"Mom (and/or Grandma) what do you think of this outfit?"

"No, I don't want dessert."

Although I have said things like #1, because I get up insanely early, even on weekends.

Wookiee Hole

"No, I'm not at all upset you didn't tip me after your dog had explosive diarrhea and bit me twice!"

"Of course you didn't wake me up! I'm always awake before noon on my day off!"

"Naps really are just a waste of the day."

"I think that fours years of study at a really expensive private college really prepared me to cook and serve fried food/ clean up animal waste."

"Art and music programs in schools? What a waste!"

femme cassidy

"You know what sounds like a fun way to spend the afternoon? Bra shopping!"

EpWs

@femme cassidy And while we're at the mall, we can look for jeans and bikinis too!

fareby_galore

"No, really, I want to make the small project you can do yourself my first priority. It's no big deal that I'm folding (by hand), sorting, and mailing invoices that have built up for 2 weeks and I just got today. No, I'm sure I can move all of the things spread over my keyboard for this process in a way that's organized so I can do this project JUST FOR YOU. BECAUSE I CARE."

Mr. Kitty

"Shiner Bock? No, thanks, I'll have a Bud Light."

"Anti-anxiety meds? Naww, happiness is a choice."

"You're totally right, guy I barely know. I would look better without makeup!"

"I got an A on this organic chemistry test! I didn't even study!"

"I'm just not really into music."

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