It's early, so if you'd rather go back to bed or pass the day doing something other than working, print this out and pass it along to the relevant party. It works best if your name is Ainslay, but other names fit as well.
The Office, work, parents, hello kitty, excuse notes, forgeries
I had one of my middle school students give me a note like this. It said:
Dear Spainish teacher,
"Child's name" has a medical condition where he needs to be able to leave class whenever he wants to get a drink of water or go to his locker.
(It really truly involved spelling "spanish" wrong, but my FAVORITE part is the closing. I may frame it.)
@MissMushkila A friend of mine who teaches Spanish had a student bring her mother into school to yell at her for calling the student stupid... my friend had put a sticker on the student's test saying "Estupendo!"
All the way back when I was a mere child, I was with my mother in some shop and asked her to buy some toy they kept next to the register. She told me I would need to go to the car where my father was waiting to ask him if I could buy it. I went out and said, mommy needs twenty dollars, which he gave me. I brought the money to my mother and told her he said I could get it and gave me $20 for it.
@kittens'n'more An evil genius in the making. I hope you are now using your powers for good.
@kittens'n'more This reminded me of my sister... when she was about 5, she wanted a Lamb Chop matching plate and cup set from TJMaxx. I cant imagine it cost more than 4 dollars, being from TJMaxx, but my mother still refused to buy it. Artfully (slash illegally), my sister shoplifted the plate and cup by hiding it in my brothers stroller. She then placed it on the back porch outside our house. When my mother found it there later that day, she claimed that someone from TJMaxx must have wanted her to have it. Needless to say, Mommy was not buying that story, and was not very happy.
I never bothered with forgeries. I sound just like my mother over the phone so I just made sure to take calls from teachers before she got home from work.
@wasabi peas Yep, me too. Hey if people are going to say "you sound so much like your mom!" every time I answer the phone, I might as well capitalize on it. Momma didn't raise no fool.
@tortietabbie When I answer the phone at my parents' house and it's one of my mom's friends it's always the exact same thing: "ROBYN???? Oh, [REDACTED]! Ha ha, you sound just like your mother!"
When my dad answers the phone, they say, "Could you tell your mom that I called?"
@wasabi peas Yes this. I also caught on early to the rule that early dismissals had to be called in between 6:30 and 7:15 in the morning, conveniently when my mother was often showering, or blow drying her hair. However I could also forge my mom's name like a pro and therefore routinely signed notes for my brother.
"Well, the handwriting looks a little off, but that signature is airtight...Very well, Ainslay. Put on your helmet and face your brother. Bow, sweetheart, we've taught you how to do this. What do we say before the games? That's right. Morituri te salutant. Winner can have ice cream before bed."
@melis Dulce et decorum est pro Dulce De Leche mori.
When she was a teenager, my wife borrowed a stack of report cards blanks from her high school and ran away to New York. She occasionally sent report cards to her parents.
@atipofthehat That is amazing. I want your wife to be my life coach and also, somehow, I am more terrified of her than I have ever been of anyone.
@atipofthehat In high school, I stole several pads of hall passes, learned to forge a few teacher's signatures, and sold them at my locker for $1/each.
@Any One Ninja Plot
Ha! She scares me, too, but I love her. And I have asked her to apply all her powers and all her skills to dealing with my job.
@atipofthehat Well, maybe the only thing you need in a life coach or a wife is the ability to inspire sheer horror.
@Any One Ninja Plot "You WILL fix your life. Or I will do it for you. You don't want that, do you?"
I was such a goody-goody I only forged a parent note once. It was senior skip day, and I just couldn't bring myself to leave campus without going through the appropriate channels (which, duh, was SO not the point), so I wrote myself a note saying I had a doctor's appointment.
ETA: Why is it always Wednesday you want to skip? I'm on maternity leave, and it is *still* Wednesday for me.
@piggie I can't remember a time when I ever forged a note. Because I was terrified of my dad finding out and ruining my life. HOWEVER, when I was about 10 my uncle called me to his house to help my cousins forge his signature because he was doing some business stuff and had something crazy like 1,000 letters to sign in a day and needed us to help him. So we spent about 10 minutes studying and practicing his signature before being released to the letters.
So I guess what I'm saying is, either my uncle REALLY trusts his kids, or REALLY doesn't care.
@piggie I forged a note once for early dismissal. The process was that your parent had to sign you out in a book in the front office when they picked you up. I signed that too when no one was looking, and left. I was that good.
@piggie The school I went to for 3rd through 5th grade required a parent to sign your reading log every night ("Everpresent read for 20 minutes tonight yada yada"). I would always read, but I could never remember to get the damn thing signed, so, at the ripe age of eight, I learned to forge both my parents' signatures flawlessly.
Of course, the penalty for not having it signed was having/getting to skip recess and read instead, which is what I wanted to do anyway, so win-win.
I didn't have the balls to forge notes as a child. I would just ask to go to the water fountain during fourth grade gym...and take 40 minutes to go there and back. Every day. Surprisingly I was never called out on this. Alternatively, I would also go up to the sports kids when we were waiting in line for kickball and say "hey do you want to cut me in line?!" All part of my plan to avoid physical activity for life!
@hot dog princess HAHAHAA I totally let kids cut me in line in PE too! I had forgotten all about that.
@hot dog princess My senior year was the greatest year of high school for me after I severed a tendon in my dominant hand. I missed an entire semester of gym and got an extension on my term paper. I was late to school so many times because of PT, not to mention all the doctor's visits I'd have to miss school for. BEST YEAR EVER
@Nutmeg Ha I used to get out of gym for forging passes saying I was at the nurse or else just not change into gym clothes. There's only so many times one can do that latter though, before they make you write an essay about tennis in order to pass gym. Which was still a better option...
@fabel Oh man I got "written assignments" to do so I would still get gym credit, but they let me do them in the library so I would go to the library, spend 5 minutes writing one-sentence answers, and then spend the rest of my time reading. The best part was they only had so many of the assignments, and once I started getting repeats I could just copy the answers from the last one. Straight As in gym that year.
@Nutmeg Mono my Junior year of high school was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I was "too weak" and "in recovery" for, like, a full four months.
@JoanTition I spent most of middle and high school hoping I would get mono. It just seemed like the right solution.
@hot dog princess Yes! Genius!
Also, junior year of high school I took gym and am pretty sure I never actually played anything. I got out of soccer by managing to bruise the bottom of my foot during the first game (two weeks out), and volunteered to be the scorekeeper for softball (another two weeks out). I'm pretty sure I slept through most of gym. It was great.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher
I put forth so little effort in my Sophmore year swimming class that my teacher 1. let me not participate and 2. gave me a B and made me promise not to take his gym class ever again.
I got him again for CPR my Senior year and somehow convinced him that watching Pulp Fiction in class (because of the adrenaline shot scene??) was appropriate/ a good idea.
@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Scorekeeper duties, nice! In high school I took the truly lazy route: I took gym online. My assignments were things like creating comics about personal fitness in MS paint...
@hot dog princess I did that, too!
Senior year, I had gym with a bunch of friends, and one would show up for literally two minutes and then leave. She got straight As in gym. I missed gym once and the same teacher (otherwise a nice guy) made me make it up after school to get my A.
Another, crazy, teacher let me and my friend walk in circles instead of playing dodgeball with freshman boys. I once stopped for a minute to talk to a friend in another class. She RAN over and told me I'd get a B for the semester.
@Nutmeg Lord, yes. All I have ever wanted is Mono.
@Faintly Macabre We had a PE teacher at our all girl's school who wouldn't let you out of class if you had cramps because 'exercise is good for that'. But if you said you had a headache she'd say 'oh, you poor dear, you DO look pale!' no matter how you looked, and you got to sit out.
She did make me play lacrosse, though, so I don't have THAT fond a memory of her.
I practiced my mom's signature and perfected it when I was in high school. That signature got me out of 40 days of classes my senior year. When I told her this while we were shopping at the grocery store, she didn't believe me so I took the checkbook out of her hand and signed it perfectly. The only thing she could say was "You little shit."
@parallel-lines My bf is also a high school teacher and he saves some of the really good ones, like "(Student's name here) got her perod and cant com 2 scool cuz she fellin bad n bleding allover"
@parallel-lines My mother has that perfect Catholic-school-in-the-60s handwriting, so I could never forge hers. My father's signature, on the other hand, is sort of like: A (squiggly line) B. C (squiggly line).
Oh, the happy times I had signing my own report cards!
@Bebe Oooh I sign like your dad, I might have to change that if and when I have kids.
@parallel-lines My mother actually encouraged me to forge her signature on cheques and forms for school, so I didn't bother her with them. Of course I was a goody-goody so I never used my powers for evil. :(
When I was in high school, if my mom was away I could always convince my dad to write me a note to come in late because he thought, "I'm tired and really need to sleep in," was a perfectly good reason.
One time I passed out in school, and when I called my mom she told me to take the bus home at the end of the day.
Nerd leverage: "Hey Mom, I have a 4.0 and a full scholarship to Tulane, can I miss up to the maximum number of days and have you write excuse notes?"
@MoonBat Because I never got sick (and I'm my mom's favorite child?) I got to take the occasional "mental health day".
Reading books! Watching soaps! Hanging out in pajamas! Driving to the city!
<3 my mom so hard for that.
@JoanTition Yes! We got one mental health day per year (I think later it turned into per semester, heh). It usually involved sleeping late and going out to lunch at my favorite Mexican restaurant with my mom. <3
@JoanTition Yes! Those were the tops. We also called them "Mental Health Days." Was that a thing? My mom resented her mom for never letting her come home from school when she was sick. I am going to give my future children non-stop MHDs. Worst parenting award!
@MoonBat Yep, I got Mental Health Days as well. Good thing too because with my shitty handwriting I had no hope in hell of forging anything.
@one cow. Seriously! Let's make our mamas proud!
@JoanTition: On the other side of the spectrum, my mom had a hard time letting us stay home from school when we had the flu or migraines, because we were supposed to "tough it out" and get over ourselves. She never stayed home with us when we were sick in junior high and high school, either. I spent my 17th birthday in bed with a severe flu/stomach bug and excruciating joint pains. Alone.
And my husband wonders why I still need his "permission" to be sick and take the day off work...
@JoanTition We also had "mental health days"! It really must have been a thing that was going around in some parenting book/magazine if those of us who had them all called them that!
@Bittersweet HONEY BABY BITTERSWEET!
I knew a lot of kids like you and it made me appreciate just how awesome it was to get mental health days and whatnot.
Give yourself permission! Take a day!
Moms also need their time-outs!
@JoanTition SO jealous of the kids who got mental health days. We were a strict "No staying home unless you are throwing up or have a fever" household (my younger sister had perfect attendance for all four years of high school). One day at the very end of senior year I had a terrible weeklong cold and was SO proud that I got my mom to agree that I could stay home for one of the days. I spent it making a posterboard for a calculus project.
@klibberfish Same here! If I wasn't on the edge of death, I was at school. And even in college, I called my mom once to ask her if I could skip class because I felt sick, and she basically gave me the "you can do whatever you want" speech that came fully loaded with the "but I will be disappointed" subtext. I went to class, but I left early due to the intense need to vom. About 5 minutes later I fainted in the ladies room. I had to be taken to the hospital with an awful stomach flu.
@LabRat: My parents wielded the "so disappointed in you" weapon regularly and with great success. Now they worry I'll break my daughter's spirit when I discipline her. Circle of life...
@Bittersweet I inherited chronic tardiness and dislike of dumb rules from my mom, so she was happy to let me sign notes allowing me to miss 10 minutes of homeroom because I was sick (for half an hour?) and needed to sleep late. (My bus left before 7AM, homeroom was 7:30-8, and we could get detention for being 2 minutes late multiple times.) On the other hand, missing school because I didn't feel well? Well, then I guess I wasn't feeling well enough to see my friends, stay up late, or go to practice, right? Mental health days? "I need a mental health day, not you!" Luckily for us both, I guess, I was so paranoid that I never skipped gym or senior skip days.
@Bittersweet My parents too! They were super strict on me (including spanking), but think I'm too tough on my son when I put him in time out "for no reason" (for being a disrespectful little shit). So weird.
Does anyone else remember that one episode from the show Popular? "So-and-so should be excused from such-and-such because she has a distended anus." I'd look it up but I don't really want "distended anus" to be part of my search history.
@ietapi Carmen Ferrara (said, of course, with April Tuna's ridiculous overemphasis)!
My favorite forged note ever was posted by my friend on Facebook - her son (aged 8) had presented her daughter (10) with the following:
Dear (Daughter's Name),
You are my worst kid and I hate you. When I am nice to you I am lying. I like (son's name) more than you and you are ugly too.
@Bebe ahahahaha, that's awesome!
@Bebe Haha! I was once mad at my younger sister for stealing my Girl Scout cookie clients and forged a note to our mom saying "Dear Mom, I don't want to sell Girl Scout cookies anymore. Love, [Sister]." My mom later told me that she MIGHT have believed it had I not put another note right beside it, on the same paper and in the same handwriting, saying, "Mom, since [Sister] doesn't want to sell cookies anymore, I guess I can take all her sales."
my cat peed on the comforter last night, which I only realized until I slipped into bed. later on, she was uncontrollably drawn to the pattern on the blanket I had used instead of the comforter and was hunting my feet all night. So, I'm tired.
I don't think my mother signed a single piece of paperwork when I was in middle school or high school; she taught me her signature when I was in 5th grade because she was tired of signing my homework journal every day. I'd bring home permission slips or, every once in a while, a detention slip and she'd wave her hand at me and say, "What? You know how to sign my name. Get out of my face."
I love my mother.
When I was 7, I wrote a note to my babysitter saying that I was "aloud to go look at the girls in the pretty dresses downstairs" (there was a debs [prom] on in the hotel we were in). I signed it from my mum. I was so surprised when the babysitter didn't let me go!
At least I got better at spelling.
I doubt anyone is on this thread anymore, but just in case, here is the verbatim text of my favorite excuse note from one of my Chinese students:
"Dear Mr. Spider,
Here is my deepest apology to you for missing your valuable lesson. I had to deal with something very important. This is the most regretful decision since I was born by my mother. Please forgive me.
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