The Best Time I Visited Times Square
I try to avoid Times Square. Actually, I'm one of those really ordinary New Yorkers who make aggressive, snide comments about it to out-of-towners who were thinking about checking it out. Like, "Oh please. You get run over by a bunch of tourists." Then, one day, hoping no one I'd ever talked smack about Times Square in front of witnessed it, I had to walk through there on my way to meet someone. And I was in a terrible mood. Not just because of the hating Times Square, but because I felt ugly.
It was not the first time in my life I'd felt ugly.
I'm a body image blogger. I write about beauty and learning to love myself and how other people should learn to love themselves. Sometimes it works. And sometimes it doesn't work at all, and then I'm kind of embarrassed, because my mom calls me on it and says, "Do you even read your own writing? Maybe you should go and read your own writing." I used to feel bad when I felt ugly because I felt ugly. Now I feel bad when I feel ugly because I am failing at not feeling ugly. And I should know better.
It's complicated.
So on this particular ugly day, in this ugly place, the person I was supposed to meet was running late, so I took a seat which had clearly not been taken because of a copious deposit of bird droppings. And I opened up my personal pizza from the nearby Jamba Juice. (Did you know you could get pizza there? Don't do it. But you already knew that.) And I sat there eating stupid Jamba Juice pizza and feeling ugly.
And suddenly this little blond girl popped up next to me, and she said, "Excuse me, but are you on America's Next Top Model?"
I stared at her uncomprehendingly.
"Oh my god!" she said, and she waved at a cluster of similarly blond, pert girls, who were all clearly tourists, and they all started shrieking and going, "I knew it!! I totally recognized her!"
And I said, "Wait, no. Um, I'm not."
"Wait–" said the first girl. "You're not?" She was confused. "That's crazy. You look JUST like this girl on it!" She waved her friends down.
"Sorry," I said, grinning.
"It's OK!" She hopped off, looking like NYC was still an exciting place for her.
I sat there, pizza in hand, stunned.
I mean, whatever, it's not like I'm trying to look like a model, I'm just trying to feel good about how I look. Obviously. Obviously, I don't look like someone who'd be on TV, modeling. And obviously I realize it's possible to be a model, especially on ANTM, and feel ugly. And obviously people who intentionally go to Times Square may not have their finger on the pulse of what is hot, hot, hot these days. But it still felt really good.
I stood up. I put my shoulders back. I felt like my neck might be long and slender (it really isn't). I felt guilty. I shouldn't need someone to mistake me for a wannabe TV model to make me feel attractive. But sometimes feeling attractive is hard. I texted my mom about what had just happened. "UR beautiful" she wrote back. She says that because she made me. But the little blond girls didn't even know me.
The next day I tried to decide if I should blog about what happened. I didn't want to sound too excited. I thought that might undermine my message. You don't need people to tell you that you look like a sexy TV woman just to feel pretty. Which is not my whole message, but is an important part of it, I think.
I felt a little like I had somehow cheated on my blog. But I felt really good. Which lasted for, oh, like another day.
Kate Fridkis does all that blogging about body image at Eat the Damn Cake. She lives far away from Times Square, in Brooklyn.
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Oh, I liked this.
When I worked at summer camp, 15 year old girls told me I looked like Rachel McAdams and Jennifer Morrison. But I think they just wanted me to let them stay up late.
"UR beautiful" she wrote back.
Your mom is right, you know.
@wee_ramekin Agreed! And it's also pretty cool that your mom is Prince!
The one time i went to NYC i went to Times Square and got drunk, then theres a big chunk of my memory missing but then i was in a bar in Brooklyn getting more drunk. I spent the rest of the night stumbling the streets of Williamsburg caterwauling Los Campesinos! lyrics and treatises of loving devotion to my (now) ex and spilling coconut milk all over the L.
@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood like you for running around drunk singing Los Campesinos! that is one of my favorite hobbies
Times Square is a sinkhole of all that is putrid and terrible and I hate it and avoid it like the freaking plague. But it's nice that you had a good experience!
This past summer, I went to a daytime party at my friends' apartment on a particularly gross NYC day. The 3 block walk from the subway to their place had me sweating like a pig and feeling pretty gross. I got to their place, took off my sunglasses, and their doorman gave me this huge smile and said, "Are you her?" He looked at me for another second, and then continued, "or her sister?" And I was like, "Huh?" (I'm witty like that)
"You look just like her. You have to be related. Or are you not allowed to say?" I thought he was taking the piss, but he looked really excited and sincere, so I decided he was actually serious. I told him that I had no idea who he meant, and asked him who he thought I resembled. He wouldn't say at first, like he thought I was just playing with him.
When he finally told me who, I was incredibly flattered, but probably more concerned about his vision. Naomi Campbell…me? Not in a million years. I'm shorter, curvier, bustier, and American. My fear that some people do think that all black people look alike notwithstanding, it felt nice that this random blind dude believed that I looked that good on a day when I felt so yucky. Another guest at the same party saw the whole thing, and shared my belief in the doorman's seriousness. He started to tell the story when we got into my friends' apartment but didn't finish it, which meant I had to admit to people who'd known me since my awkward middle school years that somebody had mistaken me for a supermodel, or her near relative. Needless to say, nobody else saw it, either. Still, good times.
@taigan Shoulda thrown a phone at him.
@Decca Damn it, you're right! I missed a golden opportunity.
@taigan My ex's two-year-old nephew once saw Heidi Klum on TV and pointed and yelled, "'Cole!" (my name's Nicole). I felt so flattered for a second!
This morning a man stopped in his tracks and, without saying a word, raised his half-eaten breakfast sandwich in the air, as if to toast or salute me. I try not to let strangers' comments/reactions to my appearance affect my self-esteem, and if he had been gross/leering in anyway my thought would have been "f*ck you and your breakfast sandwich." But he was somehow very respectful, and that Hot Pocket salute sure put a spring in my step. Probably this makes me a bad feminist, w/e.
@cuminafterall The other day, when I was actually feeling particularly cute, a homeless man gave me a big smile and said "Girl, you FINE today." And it totally put me in a good mood all day.
Can this be the opposite thread for the obnoxious things said to you by strangers post?
@thebestjasmine Every day on my lunch break I run in a part of town that has a high concentration of homeless people. It's been my experience that they are always kinder and less creepy than lawyers and oil executives who lunch a block over. This doesn't go for all homeless people, I know, but at least the ones I see every day. Today was really snowy and windy and I was feeling a little miserable and tired towards the end of my run. I stopped at the corner to wait for the light to change and said hi to the Yu'pik vet who sits outside the dive bar smoking most days. He smiled at me, a big toothless boozy smile, and said, thank you for noticing me. I had to fight back tears the rest of the way to the office.
@thebestjasmine I had a similar one – walking back from my therapist's office to work, a guy washing a shop window turned around and said with a big, genuine grin, "Awwww… beautiful!'.
I realised after that it was because I looked happy (after not looking so for awhile). Happy looks pretty.
@cuminafterall A landscaper doffed his cap to me a few weeks ago. I was delighted, and read nothing further into it. Doffed his cap!
@heyits I'm fighting back tears just reading about it.
@heyits
It was just the snow, right? And the wind?
@Kneetoe And dust. Lots of dust.
@heyits @thebestjasmine last week I was walking down a local thoroughfare which has a similarly high population of homeless people/ street drinkers. I was wearing a flippy little frock and as I walked past a group of dudes hanging out enjoying their cans of metal wine, one of them shouted 'Yayyyyy! Sexy!'. And then the rest of them joined in! It wasn't threatening or creepy in any way, it was just very funny, and weirdly heart- warming.
@cuminafterall "Fuck you and your breakfast sandwich" is maybe the best thing I've heard/read all week (and that's saying a lot; I read for a living).
And I love it when people manage to do this in an uncreepy way. It's pretty awesome, I think, appearance-judging or not. (I can actually deal with somewhat creepy too… if it's funny.)
I opened the door to a group of trick or treaters this Halloween and one little girl GASPED. "Wow! You're really pretty!"
It's nice to hear nice things about yourself. Even when they have baggage attached to them.
@Lucienne years ago, when I was working at a bank, a little girl who's mom was at my window just stared at me silently for a few seconds and then said, a little shyly, "you're pretty".
Still makes my day to think of it. Kids are blunt- and therefore often mean- so it's like it means more from them?
@NeverOddOrEven You just know that they're being honest, and saying it because they think it's true. I don't think we can expect the same form adults, unfortunately.
Last night, a friend of mine said, "You look GORGEOUS" to me after I had just come from a 2 hour dance lesson and was sweaty and gross and completely make-up-less. It was… odd, but nice to hear.
I should write about "The Best Time I was Totally 100% Naked in Times square" but there were a ton of us, it was for a Spencer Tunick shoot.
Someone once told my college roommate she looked like Scarlett Johansson. She was puzzled; she told her friend about it; her friend exclaimed, "You don't look like her, she's pretty!"
@ietapi my mom used to tell me when i was a gangly, awkward preteen that i looked like Gwyneth. It used to hurt my feelings because I couldn't have disagreed more and I knew she only saw it because she was my mom. She hasn't mentioned it in a long time, and I've since grown up into a comfortable, confident person. I brought it up to her recently and how I always thought it was so bogus, and she said "Oh but you did! You used to look just like her! She's so beautiful, it was great. It's over, now, though. God, you don't look like her in the slightest anymore."
The best time I went to Times Square was at approximately 4:30 in the morning. Almost no one was there, but all the lights and signs and whatnot were still on. It was strange and beautiful, in a zombie apocalypse sort of of way.
@armyofskanks I know exactly what you mean. It's also usually surreally freezing cold when that happens.
@armyofskanks Yes, it's so true! I've had to go through Times Square at 6am on a dark winter morning for a work conference and it was one of the only moments when Times Square actually looked beautiful.
@armyofskanks
I work in Times Square (what?! A lot of people do; it may be an unattractive tourist playground but that's not ALL that's there) and the only time it is bearable, and even fascinating, is very late at night/early in the morning.
@City_Dater So does my husband – and the feeling of walking into his office building, where you go from noisy chaos outside to an eerie, corporate, hermetically sealed calm inside is totally bizarre.
Once in college, my roommate and I were on our way to our stability ball class in gross sweatpants, etc. A car of boys leaned out the window to "Woooooo" at us, and were so distracted by our loveliness that they rear-ended the car in front of them. Somewhere I still have a chunk of the headlight that broke off.
@CrossWord Hah, yes! When I was about 13, I was with a family friend (about 16) at Hampton Beach, NH. This car full of teenage boys drove by looking at us, and the driver got distracted and rear-ended the car in front (only going about 5mph). I sadly do not have a souvenir
I was riding the bus home from a booty call, so maybe I had that glow, when a man sat down next to me and goes, "Oh my god. You are so pretty. NO not pretty, BEAUTIFUL! If they put you and your smile on the cover of Vanity Fair it would sell a million–NO! A BILLION copies!" Then he started talking about how Native Americans invented the big bang theory in order to bring down Christianity and about how the dinosaurs were a hoax, but even crazy people have to have their moments of lucidity, right?
Yeah, Kate!
I think feeling ugly as an image blogger is still an important part of the process–we all of us have Picasso days, and I think knowing that we're not alone in that can help ease the collective burden of not feeling that we are enough.
And you are beautiful–you and your pixie cut and Jamba pizza.
Weirdly enough, I was in Times Square two weeks ago, and I ran into this guy (Chuck) who I have ran into four separate times, in four separate cities, at four crazy crowded venues. Once at a Notre Dame game in Michigan (he was attending UT-Austin at the time). Once at LAX (I lived in Seattle, he lived in Arizona). Once at a concert in Seattle (he lived in NY at the time). And once at a farmer's market in Carmel, California (he lived in TX at the time).
Each time, we bumped elbows standing next to each other and realized we knew one another. Two weeks ago in Times Square, we were both taking a picture of a singing midget and we bumped elbows again.
@karion That is bananas. MAYBE YOU GUYS ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER???
@CrossWord: I find him strangely asexual, so no.
But I have an even weirder small world story about a guy I dated in 9th grade (in Saudi Arabia), with whom I later got set up with on a blind date at UT, who, many years later, was the treating physician for my then husband in an emergency room, and then who, three years later, showed up as the blind date of a friend of mine.
@karion WTF, you live in a novel!
@karion Wait, did you know each other the first time? Were you introduced? WHAT IF THERE HAVE BEEN MORE TIMES AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN NOTICED!
@klibberfish: Chronology -
7th grade – "date him" briefly (whatever that means in 7th grade) – Saudi Arabia
9th grade – very quick rerun – date him again briefly
Freshman at UT (Austin, TX) – am set up on a blind date with his roommate (who is, like him, a med student). I show up at blind date's house, roommate/old flame answers, we freak out, we go out (and blow off my scheduled blind date) and we again date briefly.
About sixish years later: am married and in Seattle. My (now ex) husband has to go to the emergency room to treat a foot injury. Old flame is the treating ER doc.
About two years after that: Am at dinner with friends in Seattle, one of whom is waiting for blind date. I know the minute she says the words "blind date" that it is him – my old flame. I have no explanation for this, but sure enough, old flame comes in and sits down. We freak out, but do not date briefly, as I am [still, then) married.
Freaky PS to this story – the last time I saw him was about seven years ago at a class reunion thingie. He is now married, I believe. But more funny was the his old roommate was there – the blind date I blew off years and years ago. He ended up marrying a mutual friend of ours.
@karion I can't play this game in depth right now, but this sort of thing HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME. You are welcome to borrow my theory that we are at the point where all lines converge, therefore we are protagonists in the story of our times.
@karion Holy shit, that is even better than the bodice ripper past life romance novel I wrote in the psychic comments the other day! TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION.
@karion This feels like it could be the plot to a John Cusak rom-com. It's totally nuts!
@karion You are Kevin Bacon!
@karion MARRY HIM
@karion I'm replying to say–I want to see the singing midget picture! Post!!
Ugh. I wish I had a mom who texted "UR Beautiful" to me. Instead, my stepmom asks, "How's your weight?" Every time she sees me. Every time.
The other day I confided some body image issues to my friends and they were like, "Don't worry girl! We're at our high weight, too!" It turns out they're both a size six. That's their "high weight." ahdaddsjdjsnaakaddm,cmcmkassasakmd.
Also, the biggest random burst to my self esteem lately was when my slightly creepy new doctor asked where I went to school. I told him I was in law school, and he said, "Oh! You're smart AND pretty!" It made me weirdly happy to have a stranger say this to me since I've been in such a body image funk lately. Then I went on to tell him how I've gained thirty pounds because of my stupid thyroid and I could just see him thinking, "I bet she was prettier before!" I haz self esteem issuez?
@bonnbee That reminds me of this horrible dinner I had once with a childhood friend and her new friends (who are all from this cult she is in now, 'nuther story), where they sat around comparing their dress and bra sizes for what seemed like 12 hours. My friend started talking about how she is a size 6, "but I think that's ok, since I've had two kids!" and then they all started laughing hysterically about how small the sizes in Top Shop are, and how when they go in there, they feel like they're going to need to try, "like, a FOURTEEN, or something, hahahahaaa!" Needless to say I was a 14 at the time. Actually 14 was my "thin size" at the time. (I have not birthed any children!) I was just sitting there thinking, "can you people not see me? Or do you think I'm such a huge cow that I'm beyond caring about trying to fit into society and so won't care about the insults you are flinging TO MY FACE?" And I have talked to my friend exactly one time since that conversation. Which might be because she's in a cult now, but still.
@WaityKatie Ugh! Sorry you had to go through such a shitty experience! And sorry your friend is in a cult? That is bizarro.
My very thin friends were like, "Yeah! Sometimes I'm even an EIGHT!" And this very small, insecure voice inside me wanted to say, "Eight is my SKINNY size. The thinnest I ever was, in high school at 130 pounds, was an eight. OK, I was totally orthorexic and scared to eat cheese, but my size eight jeans are the ones I would give up my first born to fit in, and those are your fat jeans?!" But then I didn't say that because I was scared that they'd think I'm even more of a fatty fat mcfatterson. UGH.
Negative body image is my achilles heel. This is what I once told my therapist: "I guess it all boils down to that it doesn't matter how many scholarships I get, how much praise I'm given for my professional accomplishments, or how many competitions I win. To a tiny part of me, all that matters is whether or not my stomach looks fat in the dress at the awards ceremony."
@bonnbee Hey, the great thing about academic robes is that they cover everything. Although, mortarboards have been known to not fit my giant noggin. Le SIGH. My dad always used to say that "all the famous movies stars of the past had really large heads!"
@WaityKatie Cult thing aside, it may be just because they see you as the person you are? I've got two good friends that have body-types hilariously different from mine and yet I still said, "What? That can't possibly be true!" when informed of the difference. One is 8.5 inches shorter than me and I was honest-to-god shocked when she told me she was under 5-foot. Another is ~300lbs and I would have never thought she was over 200. She's tall and curvy in all the right places, has gorgeous eyes and awesome hair and is the smartest, most rational person you will ever meet. I really just never focused on it more than, "Oh, she's shortish," and "Oh, she's bigger." I love them for who they are, my focus is on their awesomeness.
@sueduhnym I get what you're saying, and I've gotten it a lot from people (i.e., "but YOU don't look like a size X, I would have thought you were a size Y!"), but I find it really problematic that people have these conceptions about what sizes are 'pretty sizes' and which ones are sort of beyond the pale. It's like, well, size 14 is an ugly, gross size, and clearly YOU are not ugly and gross, THEREFORE, you must be a size 6, because you are pretty and that is the size that all pretty people are! What? Or, they imagine that any size in double digits is "fat" or "huge," so if they look at someone and don't think she is fat and huge, they assume that she must be a single digit size. Or that there is any problem with being fat or huge or that people should even be able to say a damn thing about that. It's all just a depressing patriarchal can of worms that pits women in competition against eachother and I hate it LOTS.
And also, none of these people knew me other than my friend, so I'm just going to go with the explanation that they were insensitive assholes.
@WaityKatie For what it's worth, I'm not nearly nice enough to be sorry your ex-friend is in a cult now.
@WaityKatie Not to mention self-absorbed. I'm pretty sure people like that aren't trying to hurt their fatter friends' feelings. They're just, like, performing a circle-jerk of self-absorbtion and body image obsession. They don't even remember that you're in the room unless you're sitting there doing it with them.
@Xora I agree. The sad part is, that sort of thing seems to be considered part of normal discourse for groups of women. I have been sheltered most of my life by the fact that I mostly hang out with more "unconventional" groups of women who don't practice a lot of bodyshaming and have actual interests that don't revolve around "catchin' a man," so every time I wind up in one of these groups of normals, it freaks me out. Then I think about how some people deal with this, like, at every meal, and it makes me super sad. Although I have had to deal with "friends" who were backstabbing and competitive…they are no longer my friends. Pruning the friend-group is necessary, sometimes.
@bonnbee This whole thread reminds me of Louis CK. He has a great bit about how if he goes to a party, and there is a delicious plate of cookies, he makes eye contact with it and is like you. me. later. And how all throughout the night, it is his MO to eat the whole fucking plate of cookies but he feels shame and has to pretend that this is an aberration and how he is totally "surprised" by his lack of self control, while all along it was his plan. Basically, if you are like me, and your MO is the plate of cookies, don't be ashamed! I love food and I feel sorry for the people who can't have a healthy relationship with it.
http://www.spike.com/video-clips/5prgbk/louis-c-k-cookie-addiction
@WaityKatie I know this works to my advantage (bad feminist for thinking that, amirite?) because I find that if you're short – like, super short – and not impressively obese, people assume you're a lot smaller than you are. Like, I'm 5 feet tall (actually, last time I had my physical they said I was now 5'1, yay/boo?) and weigh about 140, and am a size 12/14-ish? (Big Damn Ass(tm) FTW! [I am so making this happen.]) And yes, this is the heaviest I've ever been, and my healthy weight is in the 110-120 range, but people look at me and assume I'm like a size 4/under 100 pounds because of my height. And then I have to bitchily point out that I'm not small, I'm just short, and when I was a size 6/100lbs, it was kind of sickly-looking because I just didn't eat, and walked several miles a day/worked on my feet.
It's all in perception, and is why I don't fear to tell people my numbers, because just like how I don't hide my mental health issues, I feel like I can contribute to recalibrating people's perceptions. I'm a 'normal'-looking/acting person, so they can see that a size 12/ADHD is 'normal' too.
Also, I'm just obnoxious and have no social filters, but I've decided to tell myself that I'm serving a good cause instead of just being the queen of TMI.
@dustwindbun I mean, but, a size 12/14 IS normal. In fact, the average size of American women is 14. So WHY is there all this shame over being larger than a size 8? Because a lot of the women perpetuating this shame ARE bigger than that size, just statistically. There's all this "oh, other size 12/14/16s are like THIS, but I'm the one exception who looks good." We all look good, girl. Own it. I guess people sometimes assume I'm a few sizes smaller than I actually am because my weight is distributed around my waist rather than in my butt/thighs, so I have to sort of "size up" because most pants are cut for the hourglass figure. Pants that fit my waist are weird and saggy on the hips, but I would prefer to be comfortable than have fat spilling over my waistband, so I get bigger pants. But I'm still probably the same weight as someone who carries it in her hips, and who's to say one body shape is "better," or that that's even something anyone can control? It's all just too much stress and thought to put into something so dumb. I wish people could just get over it. Although I, too, enjoy going around telling people what sizes I wear, just to see the shocked/horrified looks on their faces followed by the frantic "oh, but you're not fat" backtracking.
@WaityKatie I totally feel that. I grew up in a family full of men. (Brothers, older male cousins, uncles, etc.) When I got to high school, the practice of girls sitting in groups and comparing/critiquing bodies was so bizarrely foreign to me. I kept thinking it was a closeted lesbian thing — like an excuse to ogle each other — until I met real lesbians and realized they don't do that.
@Xora Yeah, I was a huge geek in high school (geek girl friends) and then went to a women's college (feminists, lesbians), so it wasn't until law school that I had my first real underminer friend. I refused to believe that such people existed (in seemingly intelligent, down to earth human forms) so I hung onto this "friend" for almost a decade, before she finally went too far and I had to cut her loose. It was still really hard, because I didn't want to believe that she really was like that. I kept making excuses for her forever. Since then, I am pretty ruthless about cutting out disingenuous and envious people, though. I'm a frenemy-dropping renegade these days.
@WaityKatie I feel like we are the same person (women's college, law school, body size), except we can't be because my ass is huge, which is why I never wear pants, because it's impossible to find pants that fit my ass and are comfortable and cute, so I just rely on skirts and dresses. I did have a friend who once said something about how she never wanted to get over X weight (which I was then over) to me, but luckily she realized like five minutes later that that was an assy thing to say and apologized, so we're still very good friends.
@thebestjasmine I definitely think these kinds of comments show how skewed our society's idea of weight is. It's not intentional assy-ness, it's oblivious & fucked up by the media-assy-ness (well, hopefully, sometimes anyway).
Example 1: I had a friend pick up a size 14 pant and say something derogatory, I had to be like um, you know that's my size right. But it's like she couldn't even fathom how size 14 might actually look in real life.
Example 2: Had another friend who said she wouldn't want anybody weighing more than 150 pounds on her bed, as it would break.
a) she obviously had an extremely skewed sense of weight because um, most guys weigh more than 150 so as a straight girl you're kinda shooting yourself in the foot there.
b) I pointed out to her that I WEIGH 150 POUNDS. And that is not really that large a number of pounds. Jaysus H. Christ.
Example 3: when I was a teenager, I said something like "UGH I WEIGH X POUNDS!" and my dad's response, "no you don't, if you did it would be like *mimes elephant stomping around* WATCH OUT HERE SHE COMES" … but I really did weigh that much …
@WaityKatie I sort of cross my fingers and hope for the line "Oh but you don't LOOK like a size 12!" when those conversations come up. Then I get to say, "Well, what do you think a size 12 looks like?" in a totally innocent tone of voice. It's a nice way of cutting to the chase and getting my point across without saying anything.
@redheadedandcrazy As a pretty tall lady, this used to really mess with me.
I will never weigh 125 pounds. There are few times in my life I will wear single digit clothing. I will never, never have a 26 inch waist. And I'm not at all a big lady. But I spent most of my teen years convinced that I was nearly obese because I was miles away from those sorts of markers because… I'm tall!
SIGH.
@H.E. Ladypants There is a blog that I once saw with pictures of women at all sorts of different weights, in a "this is what 250 pounds looks like" way, and it was awesome.
@thebestjasmine One weird thing that I used to do was to go on to modeling websites where they let you search by height, weight, and measurements. Then I would look for women who had the same size or build and go, "Oh, okay. So that's sort of what I look like to other people!"
It's kind of a similar exercise and it actually really helped me with my body image.
@WaityKatie I've lost over 300 pounds in the past five years just from dropping frenemies. They are dead weight, man. Drop 'em.
Also, I second, third, and fourth everything you've said in this thread.
@redheadedandcrazy Haha, maybe she lives in Williamsburg? Because most of the "men" there tend to top out at 130. But I'm guessing that isn't what she meant…I had a similar thing when I told my friend with benefits (I guess that's what he was, puke) that I was wearing size 14 jeans and he actually refused to believe me. He insisted that I was lying, and I was like, look at the label? He couldn't understand, because when he (tall, skinny guy) would buy women's jeans (I know!) he wore a size 8. It was kind of like, no shit, those jeans are cut to fit tall, scrawny MEN, I rest my case!
@H.E. Ladypants I'm kind of tempted to get a "This is what a Size 12 looks like" t-shirt printed up and start wearing it around town. I think it would be even more effective than the "This is What a Feminist Looks Like" classic.
@H.E. Ladypants Or that mybodygallery.com site, that I think I found out about on here? I love that site.
@H.E. Ladypants Yeah, and the whole BMI thing. I don't think I've ever been in the "non-overweight" BMI category, unless I was a 24.5 for like 5 minutes or something. I think if you're over about 5'4" BMI doesn't really work.
@WaityKatie I think my favorite BMI tale is that my very well-muscled beau is, according to BMI, considered obese.
Yes, yes. Going to the gym 4-5 times a week makes one quite obese.
@WaityKatie omg I hope it didn't sound like I was implying a 12 wasn't normal! of course it is. and so is a 6. and a 20. and a 0. and a 36. or whatever size you need and oh god why do we even have to have this conversation people are so dumb why can't they just accept that people are different and that's OK.
argh. sorry. I hope I didn't contribute to anyone's personal neurosis. (no filters, remember.) <3 u Pinners of every size!
Fran Lebowitz has a great riff on Times Square. I'll butcher it, but the gist is: as a New Yorker, being spotted in Times Square is akin to being spotted in a gay bar in the 1970s. "No, I don't usually go here! I was just passing by on my way to somewhere else! Wait…why are you here?"
@Decca <3 u, Fran Lebowitz!
@Decca That's awesome. In Philly, guests always want to visit South Street, a conglomeration of sex shops, tacky clothing/shoe stores, tattoo parlors, seedy bars, Johnny Rockets (?), and crystal healing/rasta stores. I'm always like FIIINE but you get there and realize hey wait this is kind of fun.
@DrFeelGood South Street is a great source for halloween costumes, too.
Kate, you write SO well (here and on your blog), I just skipped about two hours worth of work. <3
I always feel really guilty because I spend a lot of time in Times Square when I'm in NY. I'm a really big theatre fan, and so I'm already there and I have two hours to kill, I don't really mind spending it wandering around TS looking in the Sanrio store or whatever? I also think it's kind of bitchy to make people feel bad for wanting to visit a place and do whatever they want? The first time I went (when I was 17, it was a graduation present from my aunt), one of my friends complimented me on not seeming like I was a tourist, and I took it as a compliment at the time, but now I'm like, you know, I was a tourist. Why is that a bad thing? I'm from Texas, I don't get to travel a lot, and getting to go to New York was a big deal for me! This comment now has nothing to do with the actual thread, but I just feel really defensive about this for some reason? Just let tourists be fucking tourists, you guys. It's fun.
(Also once I saw someone say that real New Yorkers don't see musicals, they see plays, and I'm still kind of mad about it? I am having feels today, SORRY.)
@sophi, it's okay! New York people are contractually obligated to hate on things. Like LA, Times Square, the Midwest, seeming enthusiatic. It's just part of how they are. Me, I'm from New England so I hate making eye contact or interacting with strangers. We all have our things.
@sophi I'm a New Yorker (adopted, but still!) and I see both musicals AND plays, and I do end up spending a lot of time in TS as a consequence. So there. But trying to get anywhere in Midtown does usually fill me with frustration, rage, and sorrow.
@sophi
If it makes you feel any better, the people who compulsively divide the city into "uncool" and "cool" areas have generally lived here way less than the time it takes to have all the experiences that go into evolving into a real New Yorker.
@sophi Yea I used to be all into the "fitting in", but screw that noise. I still wouldn't wear shorts and a VEGAS T-shirt in Paris, but F you haters, I'm going to look up at the buildings, eat at Serendipity and ride the Staten Island Ferry, cause I'm a tourist.
@DrFeelGood I live here, and I've never ridden the Staten Island Ferry, and I TOTALLY want to.
@Ophelia OMG it is so much fun. I convinced my guy to go… he thought we'd be the only tourists (it was FULL of tourists running around taking pictures) we went on a weekend night and got great views and photos.
@DrFeelGood Although, is there a better place to wear shorts and a Vegas t-shirt than Paris?
@Ophelia I would actually love to do this. Maybe we can organize a 'pinup around this??
@DrFeelGood One day I was walking through Herald Square, head down, trying to get to the PATH as quickly as possible, and I was held up (as happens every three feet on that walk) by some folks standing stock still to stare up at the buildings. But instead of just brushing past them with precisely calibrated body contact, for some reason I looked up, too. And then I was like, "Holy shit, yeah, the Empire State Building is pretty impressive. Huh." And now I try to be less grumpy about uplooking tourists blocking my way.
@sophi I think the thing to keep in mind when people say "they hate Times Square" is that the people who are saying are people who have very ordinary day-to-day lives in a space that happens to include Times Square. I don't think anyone begrudes the tourists their Mecca, I know I was floored by it the first time I came here when I was 17. But when all you want to do is get to a shop to have coffee and pie with a friend or get to a meeting or what have you and there is this enormous, bright, honking, crowded, painfully-slow-moving space between you and that, you tend to enjoy it less. In fact, it becomes a bit of a pain.
Another way to look at it might be this: As a former professional theatre person, I used to spend an insane amount of time in the Times Square area. At first it is all shiney and excitement, delightful hopes and dreams and fun. But after three years the novelty has worn off and the bright lights are just bright lights. The crowds are just lots of people. The noise is just loud. I sometimes wish I could go back to that sense of amazement but constant exposure undoes all that. I don't begrudge the tourists their oohs and ahhs and overpriced Olive Garden dinners but it's not MY good time, either.
@DrFeelGood Tall boys on the ferry are best thing. (You buy one tall boy and drink it before you get to Staten Island. Then turn around and do the same thing on the way back.)
@H.E. Ladypants I totally am cool with people who are just trying to live their lives and cross the street while they're in the Times Square area! If I lived there, I'd probably be annoyed by it too! My problem is less with those who don't like Times Square as a place, and more with those who act snobby towards people who are there or who want to go there.
@sophi Right? Thank you!
Last Friday I was feeling bleh and just wandering around Target at 10pm looking for pajama pants, and a total stranger asked me out! It was the first time in my entire life that has happened to me. He was very kind about it, which helped. I totally went "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that's very sweet, but no thank you!" and he said okay and wandered off, then I texted like five people about it, hah. Confidence boost!
Also Kate I just read the first entry on your blog ("things i don't remember I'm supposed to care about") and girl I think you are inside my brain right now. I could have written that whole entry. <3
@Sarah H. Go you! It is an insane confidence booster. I've been married for a few years and haven't gotten hit on in a LONG time. Then a couple of weeks ago, a man on the subway asked me for my number in a very polite way. I almost laughed in his face (felt bad) but I was so freaking surprised by the whole situation. Said, no, sorry, I'm married… lol.
@Sarah H. Awesome! My Best Time I Got a Random Compliment From a Stranger happened at Target too… I was walking in and passed a group of three boys (they couldn't have been older than 12); the ringleader stopped and announced, "Girl, you got some BAD-ASS legs!" I just said thank you and kept walking, but it was pretty cute and hilarious (and I was secretly quite flattered!)
That is an awesome story! Last week or maybe the week before, I quickly checked my reflection in a mirror on my way to the office (to make sure the rain and subsequent ventilation in the metro hadn't completely ruined it, because I was sick and had just been dumped and my hair was the only thing that had a chance of looking halfway acceptable that day) and a stranger said to me "You think you're so pretty, huh?"
So, Kate, your story reminded me that not all strangers suck.
And this is why I'm going to start reading your body image blog. Best Time I Read About Your Trip to Times Square!
One time this stranger from my building came up to me in the elevator and said, "you look so beautiful! Are you going on a date?" I was so startled that I blurted, "No, I'm going to Starbucks!" (which was true), and then he went on that "you have such natural beauty! I love natural beauty!! You look great!!!" Also, the fact that this came from a flamboyantly gay middle-aged man somehow made me take it more seriously, somehow. He had no vested interest in the situation and was therefore impartial? Whatever, I'll take it.
@WaityKatie Gay man compliments are worth twice as much because 1) they're not trying to get into your pants and 2) they are (stereotype alert!) just smarter about looks than most dudes.
@oeditrix I agree. Also they notice a variety of fashion items, rather than just "stuff that shows boob." Stereotype, but contains a grain of truth!
I got asked if I had been on ANTM when I was waiting for my boyfriend to try on shirts in an Old Navy dressing room. Despite my better efforts, it left me tickled and cheery for the rest of the day. I do style blogging with my best friend now, and like you, sometimes it feels like I'm sending a mixed message when I take pictures of myself and then hate my face, hate my hair, hate my outfit, blegh and bloo. Am I encouraging people to be shallow? Am I shallow? But then I remember, no, I'm not, and everybody feels gross sometimes, and sometimes a compliment is just nice. (I know, I'm terribly articulate.)
Thanks for writing this, Kate–I'm pretty sure I've seen your blog on the blogroll at Fashion For Giants, and I'll have to check you out!
Yes, it's all fine and dandy the first time, but as a guy who's CONSTANTLY being told by random women how INCREDIBLY HOT I am, it starts to get OOO-OOOOOLD.
I registered just to tell this story: one time when I was 16 and hated myself as only a 16-year-old can, I was walking down the street and passed a young girl (maybe 4 or 5) who was walking with her mother. The little girl saw me and said, "Mommy, look at her…she's so beautiful" with wide, enchanted eyes as though I were a princess or something. It kind of made my year.
@reneespark that hasn't happened to me, but babies stare at my face when I meet them/am around them.
I read somewhere that babies like pretty faces, so I pretend that's why, when instead they might be thinking WTF! CLOWN!
@Valerista Oh my God, I do that too! I totally thought I'd be the only one.
@reneespark
So why do women give me such dirty looks when I say exactly the same thing?
Someone else made me feel good tonight! On my walk home from work, in the rain, this car pulled over and a man with a french accent inside stopped me and tried to convince me to go into the restaurant we were in front of, so we could share some wine. I insisted I had to go home, but WTF do I live in a movie or something? A part of me is a little mad I didn't just go for it, but I dunno, it was after 11 and I was alone, and also I don't want someone to think I will sex them when really I just want to collect a good story about a french man buying me some wine. (Did I make the right choice??)
@Lumpy Space Princess I think you totally made the right choice. My first thought was ROOFIE! RUN! But I'm maybe too cynical?
Also, because of your awesome avatar, I read your entire comment in LSP's voice. Which was hilarious and fun. Oh my GLOB you guys!! (Yep, I'm a nerd.)
@jenergy Thanks! Yeah I want EVERYONE to read my comments in LSP's voice! I think it makes everything so much betterrrr!
@Lumpy Space Princess Haha.. I often break out my very accurate and hilarious (to me) impression of LSP's voice just to irritate the sh*t out of my son, because it's soooo fun. He's 13, it's my turn dammit!
The other night, a trick or treating teenager dressed as a homeless person told me I had really nice hair. I was like "Squee! I have nice hair!" And I have a husband who often compliments me, but a random compliment from a stranger who didn't have to say anything can totally make your day.
I want to know which ANTM contestant they thought you were! Somebody cool, I hope.
Thanks for sharing this story. I think it's really important for feminists to acknowledge that sometimes it feels good to get random compliments and it can be nice to look good, etc, etc, and it doesn't make you a bad feminist. I've had it up to HERE lately with shitty in-fighting about how "real feminists don't diet" and "real feminists don't xyz." Like, shut the fuck up guys, for real. (I say this as a fat, non-make-up-wearing, non-dieting feminist.)
@tortietabbie I regret I am allowed only one "like" for this comment.
My long distance ex-boo was obssessed w. Times Square. When he came and visited me, that was NYC to him. The best time I visited Times Square was after a Phish show last year at MSG. It was an unseasonably warm November night. We sat on the red light up steps for hours, doing dips of mollie and watching Times Square. It was pretty amazing. When the red steps finally closed, we walked downtown to Union Square, caught a taxi and went to my favorie local bar (Huckleberry in Brooklyn). For the record, I miss both the boo and Brooklyn.
You remind me a little of my middle child, a daughter who worries way too much about how she looks and doesn't even have a clue how she looks really. Does anyone? Sometimes I get freaked out for a moment thinking about what the people behind me are seeing…. But it passes.
I thought for some reason, this was going to be about Times Sq. which is a great place to avoid, but is sometimes ridiculously beautiful, like seen for the conference room window a law firm on a high floor overlooking where the avenues cross, on a misty rainy day with all the lights sparkling like mad…
DON'T GO THERE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE.
@atipofthehat 2 words: INADEQUATE BATHROOMS.
Wait, why doesn't this story contain looking obsessively at all the ANTM contestants (past and present), trying to figure out which one they mistook you for?
@cherrispryte I had a dream the other night that I missed a few episodes of this season's ANTM, and I was inconsolable.
A lot of times when I'm at the grocery store or Target or somewhere where there are a lot of different kinds of people I feel like everyone stares at my face for just a little bit longer than is normal to glance at a stranger. And I can't tell if it is because they think I'm nice to stare at or because I'm horribly disfigured. My sister says this happens to her too. Do we just look different? Does this happen to anyone else? It's like it only happens on certain trips, and then it happens the whole time.
@filo um this totally happens to me all the time. Everywhere.
My four year old nephew likes to tell my sister that he and I are best friends. It's seriously better than any compliment I've ever received in my life. Between that and him telling me "it's beautiful outside today", I just want to squeeze his face and keep him small forever.
@lil.orphan.shannie aw it's so niced to be liked by your nephew. Mine is a total cutie (when he's not trying to beat up his infant sister)
At a show on monday, a man walked past me and caught my gaze. With the deepest expression of sincerity on his face, he said "You are the cutest thing I have ever seen." I thanked him, and he walked away.