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Friday, November 11, 2011

34

That Movie You Should Watch On Netflix Instead of Melancholia or Jack & Jill

Melancholia opens and closes with [spoiler alert?] the end of the world. Director Lars von Trier removes all uncertainty, showing us that Earth and all its inhabitants will be obliterated by the film’s end — that there will be no twist, only death. And the feeling of dread that's present throughout Melancholia is similar to the one found in the trailer for Happy Madison Productions’ dark new drama Jack & Jill. No, unlike Melancholia I have not seen Jack & Jill in its entirety, but those two minutes and 30 seconds of promotional footage were all I needed to decide it is as devastating as von Trier’s haunting meditation on depression and the apocalypse.

Melancholia is worth seeing for its opening and closing segments alone, but this column is about streaming alternatives to theatrical releases, not theatrical releases themselves. So here are some recommendations based on the dark, hypnotic imagery from both of the film’s trailers.

Marriage. Depression. Loneliness.
Muriel’s Wedding.

Terror. One of Tom Cruise’s wives.
Dead Calm.

Mothers. Children. Death.
Rabbit Hole.

Horse abuse. Denim.
Equus.

Fear. Darkness. Uncertainty.
Panic Room.

Al Pacino.
Gigli.

Isolation. Dread.
Solaris.

Complete hopelessness. Utter despair.
Weekend at Bernies 2.

Bobby Finger was this close to seeing Jack & Jill at midnight last night.



34 Comments / Post A Comment

JessicaLovejoy

Panic Room.

Welp, I'm calling it. It's accidentally(?) Kristen Stewart Day at the Hairpin!

KRISTEN STEWART LAUGHING ALONE WITH QREAM.

bobby finger@twitter

@JessicaLovejoy You know you wouldn't want her any other way.

annepersand

@JessicaLovejoy Kristen Stewart doesn't laugh.

JessicaLovejoy

@annepersand She saves it up for when she's alone.

(She also wears a sweatshirt with kitten appliques. Non-ironically.)

melis

@annepersand She doesn't need to.

Decca

@JessicaLovejoy I remember reading a "Tonight's Movie Choices" in a newspaper and their capsule summary of Panic Room began "Jodie Foster and her teenage son must try to protect their home...".

rocknrollunicorn

@annepersand You've obviously never seen her adorable nervous laugh during interviews on late-night television shows.

parallel-lines

Things you should watch instead of Jack & Jill:
Static on TV turned up at maximum volume
Time and Temperature reports on replay
that video of the log burning in the fireplace
every single episode of Matlock in chronological order, then
every single episode of Matlock in reverse chronological order (he gets younger!)

JessicaLovejoy

@parallel-lines The instructional channel that tells you how to work your remote, you moron.

Clare

@parallel-lines My mom owns a yule log on VHS AND DVD. (Our TV is in the fireplace.)

Tuna Surprise

@Clare
Hey! I own a yule log (on Blu Ray - it's awesome in HD).

Cawendaw

Which Solaris? The one that makes you an unbearable film snob or the one that makes you a tasteless rube?

Polina

@Cawendaw Crap..which one makes you an unbearable film snob? The tv film of Nirenburg, or Tarkovsky? Shit. Just answered my own question.

melis

@Cawendaw The one that's actually Sunshine.

SarahP

@melis SPACESHIPS AND BLEAKNESS AND CILLIAN MURPHY?! Please tell me it's on instant streaming because I want it NOW.

frigwiggin

@SarahP Sooooo good. At least, that's what I remember from the parts where Cillian Murphy is on screen. And the bleakness is fantastic too.

Lucienne

@SarahP Chris Evans too! And Hiroyuki Sanada who is hot and authoritative.

likethestore

Correction, Melancholia is worth seeing for Alexander Skarsgard.

martinipie

@likethestore Pretty much my only reason for wanting to see it as well. Or maybe I'll just cut out Kiki's face from pictures of the two of them and paste mine in? Though I never, ever want a poofy wedding dress.

frigwiggin

@likethestore What about Charlotte Gainsbourg? She was hot and fascinating in The Science of Sleep.

likethestore

@figwiggin Only if "Charlotte Gainsbourg" is really a 6'4 viking god who likes to take his shirt off.

Katie Scarlett

As soon as I saw the first picture I felt intense pity for anyone who had to set up those chairs that Kiki is sitting on. Ugh, she probably smashed them all down on each other when she hopped up there and now they're gonna be impossible to take apart without 2 people. She has no respect for the help, that one.

null

hah I told my boyfriend I wanted to see a movie tonight and he asked which so I suggested either the new Von Trier or Almodovar movies and he had this look on his face like, what is wrong with you?

martinipie

@klaus Nothing is wrong with you, come over here and sit by me.

propermake

while i would encourage everyone to see murial's wedding, i'm not sure it would strike the same tone as melancholia. surely the awkwardness facetouching and abandoned young wifeness of mona lisa smile would be more fitting

Hooplehead

@propermake I think that to hit the same tone as Melancholia you have to go all the way to Revolutionary Road.

propermake

@Hooplehead hooplehead! my boyfriend and i were debating what words remind us most of deadwood yesterday. i chose thoroughfare and he chose road agent.

martinipie

I saw the poster for Jack and Jill and, if I remember correctly, actually gagged.

candybeans

@martinipie i think i might have screamed, very loudly, in my head.

skipperdee

MURIEL'S WEDDING!!!!!!!!!! Best use of "Dancing Queen" in the history of film, beyond a doubt.

quote unquote

"you're terrible, muriel"
also i've seen everything in this list (yes even Gigli) except for Dead Calm so, thanks!

Decca

If I wrote this column, every week I would just recommend My Cousin Vinny. For everything.

gfrancie

@Decca I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter

Lucienne

Watch Last Night. It's only like 90 minutes!

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