Snow White and the Huntsman Trailer, Dissected

Also, I LOVE the way they made the mirror into that crazy ripply automaton thing.

@Twinkle Little Bat I can't handle how much I've messed up Disney evil queens this week — updating. Thank you. : (

@Edith Zimmerman I forgive you

@Katie Heaney also, what would we do without Alex Mack as a reference point? It is still so relevant today.

@Katie Heaney FOR BRITISH EYES ONLY!

@Katie Heaney Rita corny, Michael.

@J Walter Weatherman I'm not a prostitute.

Then I shall let you live!

@melis That would explain all the hats.

@Katie Heaney the second I heard her voice in the trailer I said to myself MISTAH F!

@Katie Heaney My university email address was mr.f@university.whatever.

@Lily Rowan He's very handsome.

@boyofdestiny Yes, he is very handsome. *sips tea*

I mean, seriously.

@Lily Rowan I didn't see Thor (though I really should), but he was too bulked up for me there. This, however: this is just right. Hello, gorgeous.

@Lily Rowan I love Chris Hemsworth for his mancandyness, but there is something about him that strikes me as…goofy. You are a goofy guy, Chris Hemsworth!

@tortietabbie The goofy is what I like!

@tortietabbie He looks like the sort of guy who would have a rec room with a foosball table and would make you play a game with him every single time you came over.

@deepomega He also seems like the kind of guy who would have (and share) good snacks.

@Ophelia And the means by which to ensure that you are always in the mood for said snacks, if you know what I mean and I think you do (*coughmunchiescough*) (*coughcauseofpotcough*) (*coughChrisHemsworthalwaysseemsstonediswhatI'msayingcough*)

@annepersand In a perfect world, Chris Hemsworth and Chris Pratt would be a couple – not just any couple, but Kings of the Bears. Their reign would be just, benevolent, and adorable.

@Ophelia Level ten snackologist, for sure. He, like, invented dipping goldfish crackers in cream cheese.

@melis I saw Moneyball last night and spent the entire movie attempting to jump out of my seat and hug Chris Pratt. He's the big brother figure I never had and always wanted to live in a weird loft thing in my parent's garage.

@melis You are a genius.

@Lily Rowan I've got a million of them. In said perfect world, Janelle Monáe and Nicki Minaj are dating and wear matching hot-pink tuxedos to every one of their sold-out joint concerts (Nicki's tuxedo is made out of Spandex and snap bracelets).

@Lily Rowan You REALLY don't need to see Thor. Find a really good picture of Hemsworth that includes both his chiseled abs AND jawline and you will have seen the best part of that movie. It probably does the best job of delivering dialogue as well.

@Lily Rowan Agreed and although this looks FANTASTIC it gives me a sad because I just cut my hair from that length and I'm now having one of those days.

@tortietabbie I did a double-take watching Thor when I realized I was looking at Kirk's dad. It sort of messed up the giant Viking mancandy thing… but I feel very strongly that this movie can fix that. Very strongly indeed.

@angermonkey But Thor! He is all smashy and excellent. Plus it has Natalie Portman being a harried scientist and Tom Hiddleston owning the fucking scenery. Good times. (DISCLAIMER: I am incapable of rational thought when it comes to Avengers-related stuff.)

@area@twitter Oh, Tom Hiddleston. He was such a perfect illustration of why, if you're going to steal a child from a conquered territory (even if you don't murder his father right in front of him!) and then consistently treat him as slightly second-best to your own son, at least checking in with a family counselor once in a while should become a priority.

@wharrgarbl ikr? "Odin. Sweetheart. Look at your life. Look at your CHOICES."

@area@twitter He just made the absolute best faces when having his "all my life I've done nothing but try to please you and be the son you wanted me to be" and "why does he always came first no matter how big a fuck-up he is I am clearly the better son" and "this is why oh my god this is why?" moments. I mean, really they are lucky that all he did was try once and for all to clearly be the Better Son rather than say "I'm going to destroy the universe. No, really, it's better this way. Life can start over again with no knowledge of what bad decisions their divinities made the last time around. You've all got thirty seconds to think about what you've done."

@penny dreadful Who is the eighth dwarf?!

@penny dreadful I think possibly the dwarves back up the dude with the axes? I'm not sure – there is no axe guy in the fairy tale right? But in the second shot of dwarves it seems like 7 guys following Mr. Axes.

@penny dreadful I think it's a new, 21st century dwarf, Bitchy.

@penny dreadful If the 8th dwarf is Chris Hemsworth, his name would be Hunky, right?

@penny dreadful I was upset none of the dwarfs were played by Warwick Davis, but I see he's playing all the red pegs in the "Battleship" movie, so.

@Ophelia or me, snarky.

@bb Fairy-Tale-Nerd-Alert: The axe guy is supposed to be "the Huntsman" – in the fairytale, the huntsman is the guy the queen orders to kill Snow White and return with her heart. But Snow White is just So Beautiful that the huntsman lets her run away, and he returns with the heard of a doe instead.

Also, I'm glad to learn that I am not the only person in the world to totally 'ship Snow White with the Huntsman instead of with the stupid prince who doesn't do anything except stumble upon her lifeless body in the woods.

@penny dreadful Surly.

@muddgirl And then the prince decided to kiss that lifeless body… though I suppose it beats Sleeping Beauty's prince, who in some early versions just went ahead and had his way with the lifeless body, and it wasn't until the babies she's given birth to started trying to suckle and dislodged whatever it was in her finger that had put her to sleep in the first place.

@SarahDances ACK!

@muddgirl As they say on the Interwebs, this ship is seaworthy.

Also, if you folks dig the fairytale reboots, may I recommend Jim Hines' The Stepsister Scheme series? Four well-written books with awesome female characters being both fully developed women and total BAMFs. Me gusta.

@Katie Scarlett Surly only looks out for one guy: Surly.

@penny dreadful Once upon a time, I went on a blind date that my aunt and uncle set me up on. The guy said that he was a "screen writer" and told me about a script he was working on called The Eighth Dwarf. It involved a secret eighth dwarf that somehow was smuggled to the United States in a beer cask. It was a horror movie. He told me about another horror script he was working on involving a cemetery for pets where the animals came back to life. “Wow,” I said, “like in Pet Cemetery?” “No,” he bristled, “it’s nothing like that at all.” He only ate a banana for lunch and made a big deal about paying the $.25 for it himself and wouldn't let me just include it with my salad (which he didn't offer to pay for).

@Ophelia: Bitchy, Snarky, Surly, Douchey, Judgey, Hateful and Noodz.

@Don't Panic amazing.

@muddgirl Fun fact! In one of the original, less necrophiliac tellings, he doesn't kiss her but rather insists that the dwarves make a wooden pallet thing so he can drag her coffin behind his horse back to his palace (because he thought she was soooo pretty). On the way the pallet hits a stump or bump or something and dislodges the poison apple bit which was just stuck in her throat, and awakes.

But yeah the huntsman is totally better.

@muddgirl I think the usual version is that he tells her she has to run away and never come back or not only will she be killed because duh, but he'll be executed for sparing her. And then the queen eats the doe's heart because, uh, that's a normal thing to do with your not-really-an-enemy's hearts, I guess? There aren't a whole lot of versions with the "eat her heart and gain her power forever" spin in there.

Though this does bring up A Thing. Can we all promise, if we ever become supervillains/witches/vice presidents to absolutely, under no circumstances, ever send someone to kill our enemies who is not and has never been a professional killer? I mean, I know it makes a totally tits cover story to, say, send your target on a hunting trip and tell them to bring you home something nice for dinner and not fuck it up for once and maybe, maybe, if they can manage that, you will consider loving them. But! When you make the guy whose job it is to rack up your pheasants and whatnot murder a pubescent girl, or your least-favorite son, or whatever seven-year-old you happen to dislike most this weekend, this is probably what is going to happen. So, when you set up the fake hunting trip/assassination attempt, you need to either pick your most reliable murderer or go hire a murderer who comes with references, and dress him up as an associate huntsman, and send him along to do the actual murdering. Got that? Seriously, we will reign forever if we just stay cool and use our heads. Being evil is great, but you can't just be evil–you also have to think things through and have a plan. Leave the murdering to the professional murderers! They are the only ones who can be trusted to really get your murdering done! If it's really important, don't farm it out to amateurs! Okay? Okay.

@redheadedandcrazy

I don't know if anyone else is watching the fun train wreck that is Once Upon A Time, but Disney/ABC already went there. Snow White in the show became a badass thief living in the forest after the huntsman let her go.

@redheadedandcrazy All I got out of that sentence was 'God…I would take Kristen Stewart…[like] a damsel in distress' and then something about role playing. I applaud this sentiment wholeheartedly.

@Whitney@twitter YES! I'm glad that there is someone in the world (the Hairpin world, especially) that can't look away from Once Upon A Time! The special effects are awesomely bad.

@Wondajules And the dialogue. I cannot even.

@Wondajules They lost me when they gave the Blue Fairy porno tits, but I'm still watching. Seriously, why did they do that?

@wharrgarbl I know! So bizarre! Also, either I (and also, all of the Mayans) am a descendant of Snow White or cinnamon in hot chocolate isn't nearly as "quirky" as Disney thinks it is.

@Wondajules God, yes, if they have a "Buh? Cinnamon in my hot chocolate? *dun dun DUN*" moment one more fucking time I am going to throw a pillow at the tv. I can only assume that they are going to have some sad tie-in product come out in time for Christmas that's like Swiss Miss only with Snow White's head photoshopped on and it will come with a bundle of cinnamon sticks and cost $5 more.

@HeyThatsMyBike Seriously, esp. Kristen Stewart. She has an awesome rock and roll, edgy look and I kind of like her ceiling eyes, but to out-fair Charlize?

@HeyThatsMyBike I think she's an extremely pretty person and I kind of dig her vibe, too, but it's still like comparing apples to goddesses.

@mathnet I've only seen the pilot so far and despite my irrational hatred of Ginnifer Goodwin, I liked it! I would/will watch more!

@mathnet OH, THANK YOU! I was waiting for someone else to admit to it first. I can't tell yet if I'm only watching because of Big Love separation anxiety and want to just see Margene's pretty, confused face. Either way, I feel better now that it's out there, anonymously on the internet – I watch Once Upon a Time!

@mathnet I should have scrolled down before commenting! Love this nonsense…the Evil Queen/Maleficent conversation was worth the whole show.

@mathnet ohgod, i love this show despite it's hilarious awfulness.

@Ophelia right? i just – i mean – RIGHT?

@Ophelia Well she's very pretty but it must be hard competing with The Charlize. My problem with her is more like every time I see her in a movie I just want to scream EMOTE MORE JESUS WOULD IT KILL YOU TO USE MORE FACIAL MUSCLES but that's my cross to bear with this movie I guess.

@Mildred No, I'm totally with you. It's not the she's ugly or anything, is that her face is just THERE. She doesn't USE it.

@Ophelia On a positive note, she will be extra-convincing in all the scenes where she's required to be comatose.

@Ophelia

I'm hoping it turns out that the Queen wins in this version. If there's any young "actress" less interesting than Kristen Stewart right now, I can't think of who she is.

@Mildred I suspect that it'll be less jarring in a fighting movie where she spends half her time in armor than in a romance like Twilight. But yeah.

@City_Dater Now THAT would be amazing. I would definitely go see that version. I would be Charlize Theron's Henchwoman any time.

@Ophelia I like that they threw in that she *will* be prettier someday, like, don't worry, she is not currently better looking than you. The screenwriter must have realized that we, the audience, have eyes. No one is better-looking than Charlize. No one! (ok maybe Zoe Saldana, but that is a discussion for another day).

@Ophelia YOU TAKE THAT BACK. YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW.

@annepersand YES LESBIANS ASSEMBLE IN DEFENSE OF KSTEW'S HONOR

WE ARE LEGION

WE WILL USE A LOT OF ALLCAPS

@melis GIRL I GOT THIS. EVERYONE STEP OFF MY BOO KRISTEN.

@City_Dater Blake Lively? (ironic, considering the name)

@annepersand @melis I WILL NEVER SURRENDER!

@tortietabbie To her credit, Boobs Legsly seems to be acutely aware that, save for her looks, she's dull as dishwater.

@annepersand You guys. YOU GUYS. WE DON'T HAVE TO CHOOSE.

@wallsdonotfall THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE.

@applestoapples She was also rather charming in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movie. Though maybe I'm just fond of her because she was playing a character with remarkable similarities to me (most of which weren't in that movie, but whatever). She also seems to be pretty cheerful and sweet in real life, even if she's quite dull on Gossip Girl.

@annepersand @wallsdonotfall is it just me, or are we now writing a whole 'nother screenplay here? Because this could be kind of awesome.

@Ophelia Well, I mean, there is this, but I suppose everyone looks amazing when they're done up as the dream hybrid of Brigitte Bardot and La Liz.

@Ophelia I like it. But I wanna be the one to pitch it to Kristen Stewart!

(… badum-chh?)

@annepersand Hahahahahaha! First Hairpin giggle-aloud of the day goes to you!

@Ophelia I actually don't understand how she's pretty at all! She has the same dull open mouthed "huh?" facial expression on her face in literally every single picture I've ever seen of her.

@thebestjasmine – it make me think she's a mouth-breather.

@annepersand I lol'ed, too! Although…I wanna pitch it to her, too!

@applestoapples: Am I the only one who noticed she has NO DIALOGUE IN THIS TRAILER? That can't be a good sign…

@ejcsanfran They're playing to her acting strength, which is to stand there while the more exciting things happen around her.

@applestoapples It's like you're all trying to break my heart at the same time.

@melis You can do better! Your love for Kristen Stewart will only end up in the way of George Michael and Egg, I mean, Ann.

Nooo Kristen Stewart is totally my Maeby. Did you even see those pictures of her from Coachella last year? Because I stopped breathing that day, and I haven't been able to reopen my trachea ever since.

@melis When she was dressed kinda like a boi? That was the most interesting she's ever been.

@applestoapples Who?

@applestoapples Her?

@SBGBlogs: You are not alone. I was so stoked to go see Alice in Wonderland (same producer, it seems) but that movie blew chunks (it was pretty! but that was it…) and I have a feeling this one is going to be visually gorgeous and everything else… lousy.

@SBGBlogs I agree. Which is why I'll… obtain this, buy a $5 bottle of TJ's red wine, and settle down to enjoy Charlize without investing too much in the screenwriting.

@SBGBlogs Ugh! I didn't even realize it was a trilogy. Oh well hopefully Mirror Mirror will kill it's box office, so we might be saved from the rest of the trilogy.

@SBGBlogs On the one hand, you are absolutely right. This seems to be a kind of Snow White/Joan of Arc/Standard raising an army to take back your birthright story mash up.

And they'd better have a damn epic plotline if they're going to do three movies. It's probably not going to be very great and I wish studios would go back to focusing on single movies that have the potential for sequels rather than planning trilogies.

But on the other hand, I do like Kristen Stewart, almost entirely out of spite for Twilight. Her non-emotive sullenness works in movies where she has a reason to be sullen (Speak) or lack agency for one reason or another (The Cake Eaters), but Twilight really played up those abilities for the wrong reason. Bella is a cardboard cut out, so all any actress would have to do is just stand there.

In this one they're probably using her face to show how stoic and determined she is.

@SBGBlogs if I could "like" your comment a million times, I would. I would. This movie is going to blow. so. hard.

@SBGBlogs This movie looks like the movie Alice in Wonderland-guy wanted to make when he made Alice in Wonderland, but instead they made him fuck up Alice in Wonderland instead. It seems like the exact stuff that made zero sense in Alice at least make a reasonable amount of sense in the Snow White story. I mean, she's disinherited royalty, who are pretty fond of raising armies to try to get their shit back, instead of random little girls who are more likely than not going to think about it and then go home because jesus christ that is a fucking dragon, you guys, you didn't say anything about a goddamned dragon.

@LittleBookofCalm @SBGBlogs High five.

@Bridget Smith@twitter Riptide Music, Worlds Collide

@Bridget Smith@twitter Awesome, thank you!

@andrea disaster She does creepy SO WELL. I do not give a fig about what KStew ends up doing in this movie, I am prepared to lust after Evil Charlize.

@klemay *remember. I'm forced to use IE and work and it won't let me edit comments. Boo.

@iceberg: He needs neither. The only thing that will need any cleaning is my sheets after we're done…

@D.@twitter I don't know that this is really one of those "someone's mother" roles, though. She kind of looks like the whole reason to go see the movie, from the way it's being advertised. I think Snow White is one of those stories where, if you're not going to make it a musical, the movie version is only going to be as good as your villain.

@Awesomely Nonfunctional Yes. This is the best answer. Fairytale prophets are always tripping people up this way. Fucking magic mirrors, how do they work?