Thursday, November 17, 2011


Let's All Make...

...shiny gourd bowls! It looks like the hardest part of this is finding the dried gourds. Oh, and getting Morgan Freeman to come over, though that seems easier than finding the gourds in a way? Where do they even have dried gourds?

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Dry them ourselves? Only we should NOT do it by leaving them in a bowl on the counter for like a month, because that is how they MOLD in secret places (ie, places you can't see) and start to smell funny and make you be like, hm, what smells like rotting leaves overhere--OH NO MOLD AND SQUISHY SQUASH.




@Jizzcliner Yes! This! Hooray!


@Jizzcliner OMG I'm literally CRYING. That is AWESOME. Sorry too many caps but really, this is RIDICULOUS.

Katie Heaney

@Jizzcliner AHHH that is one of my favorites.


"Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they’re both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that’s upsetting, but I’m not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore."


Ironic Hipster Meme

@Jizzcliner I'm sorry, did you just link to McSweeneys from The Hairpin? Does it hurt having that much awesomeness inside you?


@Jizzcliner DAMN! I am so sad someone got to this before me. My. Favorite. Fall. Thing. EVER. Why? Because it’s not summer, it’s not winter, and it’s not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it’s fall, fuckers.


@LornaLoo bahahahahh my roommates always make fun of me for my fuckin' seasonal decor. this is the best. "

I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”


@Jizzcliner Thank you for including this. One of the BEST.


@Jizzcliner The best part of my last visit home was my dad doing a dramatic reading of this McSweeneys to the whole fam.


@remargaret Why can't my dad be your dad? My dad would rather do a dramatic reading of Decision Points, followed by discourse as to why exactly Bush Jr. was an admirable man and Clinton sucks.

Ironic Hipster Meme

@remargaret Can I come to your house for thanksgiving?


@Ironic Hipster Meme Of course! But mind the decorative gourds, motherfucker :)


@Ironic Hipster Meme Since other hairpinners either wanted to post this or did, I'll take that as a compliment to the whole of the commentariat.


oh Martha. I am still not sure how I feel about gourd bowls of natural accents.


You can buy dried gourds in Pennsylvania Dutch country. I drive down there with my aunt every fall to gorge on funnel cakes and the best damn apple cider I have ever tasted in my life.

Incidentally, my aunt uses gourd bowls for Kwanzaa, and she may be one of sixteen people who celebrate that in earnest.


@applestoapples Have you suggested to her Aunt Sandy's Kwanzaa Cake to go with that bowl?


Martha Stewart wielding power tools is my favorite Martha Stewart.

elysian fields

@annepersand Martha Stewart making mashed potatoes with Snoop Dogg is my favorite Martha Stewart. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ocre0kXgvg


@elysian fields I FORGOT ABOUT THAT MARTHA STEWART. Anything with Snoop Dogg is my favorite. Snoop Dogg's True Blood fan rap is my favorite True Blood. Except for his malt beverage. Misfire there, Snoop.

(When is Martha Stewart coming out with HER malt beverage?)


How is Martha not warning us about The Gourd Flu? This is a real thing, according to another person named Martha: http://marthasgourds.com/gourdinfo/gourdflu.php

P.S. "Are you tool-friendly?"


On a semi-related note, what do I do with all of the pumpkins I got from my mom? She gave me a couple of pumpkins from their accidental pumpkin patch (i.e. the hole in my ground where my parents throw weeds/rotting pumpkins) and now they are just sitting around the house.

Messy Jessi

@Nutmeg I strongly suggest, if they are still good, that you cut them up, scrape them out, rinse, season and bake the seeds with seasoning of choice. THEN bake the rind, peel it, food processor it, season it up with pie spice and whatever else you add to pumpkin to make it pie filling, and turn it into pies. BAM, homemade pepitos and pies. (For the pepitos consider salt and cayenne pepper?)


@Nutmeg You go to punchfork.com and make everything that includes pumpkins.

and then you send some for me to eat.


@Nutmeg LET'S EAT THEM. Seriously, can we do this?


@SarahP Oh wait, unless they're moldy, because that's the WORST (see my above comment).


@SarahP I think they are still good! I really only have one pumpkin (a small one, like 3 or 4 pounds?) because the other one is white and I have no idea if it's even a pumpkin or just some gourd; my parents throw a lot of crap in that hole in their backyard.


@Nutmeg Pumpkin One is now roasted, pureed, and in my freezer (2 1/4 cups which is like the big can of pumpkin, so I saved almost $3!)


@Nutmeg Project Eat White Pumpkin Thing: next week? We'll text.

lily bart

You Must Read This:

lily bart

Aww, beat me to it!

but i'm a bird

my babies gave me Gourd Seeds for mothers day, we grew Gourds, and now I have too many Dried Gourds and haven't known what to do with them, until now, because Thank You Jane. servicey!


I live across the street from a big field full of gourds not good enough to harvest (glamorous, I know), SO ON THIS.


Four years ago my uncle thought he would get back to his roots so he planted gourds in my mother's backyard. You can't do fuck all with gourds except make bowls and birdhouses and loofahs. He made maybe one bowl and a mini bongo and then we had ton of gourds sitting and drying in the backyard for 2 years. They disappeared eventually but every once in a while I find one lurking in the shadows. Stupid gourds.

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