Grading Gadgety Gift Guides for Guys
Edith: Brilliant Wirecutter editor and gadget expert Brian Lam, I was wondering if you could offer any commentary on these "Gadget Gifts for Guys" recommended by Esquire. Also, what toothbrush do you use? And would you rather be given a chainsaw, cell phone, or bottle of mezcal this holiday season?
Brian: I've been thinking about how to approach my guide. I believe it's good service and people love it, and I think my angle is to build it around the Japanese idea of gift-giving. Which is, from wiki, "honno o shirushi de gozai masu ga / ほんのお印（しるし）でございますが, meaning, 'it only amounts to a symbol of my appreciation, but…' [which] implies gratitude toward the recipient that the giver cannot fully express."
I think that's a good attitude for gift-giving, in contrast to the usual American mega-mall-type gift-giving barf-fest. The little things are always more memorable and special, and no one confuses them for anything but a symbol because of how humble they can be.
Gadgets in the Esquire guide are, unfortunately, both bad in terms of their symbolism and their overwroughtness. The chainsaw is a perfect example. Better is a handmade axe that says Compassion on the handle. Or Courage.
First off, whoever gets the axe will be able to keep it a lifetime and can hang it on a wall where it will look beautiful. Love was put into these things, and they were meant to be passed on an heirlooms. They're better designed, and it's also a lot sexier to be chopping wood with an axe than with a chainsaw. Shirts off!
I use a manual toothbrush, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to go electric soon, because this is the one to get (Professional Care 3000 Electric Rechargeable Power Toothbrush, $75).
I think many of these gadgets in this list are just the best but not the "right one." Take the toothbrush, for example. That one they link to isn't rated better than the Oral B one, I believe. It's just the most expensive. And shooting right to the most expensive item for a gift is kind of an ugly sentiment. Wouldn't it be better to have a card that says, "I did an hour's worth of research, and this one is the one that everyone says keeps them happy with shiny teeth. I hope you like it"?
The lighter is OK. Because fire is always wonderful, and the lighter is a really amazing piece of technology in general. Instant fire, in your pocket. It symbolizes warmth, survival through hard times, smoking (which is fun and naughty), and light. And all of these attributes you can have with you at all times, as long as you continue to carry around your gift.
And I would prefer to be given alcohol, always, because alcohol is a vehicle through which magical social accidents happen, and which you can often not remember. And so such adventures take on a dream-like state. But the booze choice is also kind of weird. Clear booze implies a sort of coldness I don't prefer when it comes to gifts. Brown liquors always seem friendlier. Maybe that's just me, but imagine a gift of Maker's Mark with its wax seal or something from a local distillery, versus a bottle of vodka. Exception: I would probably give someone a bottle of rumplemintz, which is clear, PLUS some really nice hot cocoa mix. Minty, alcoholic hot cocoa is mighty good after a day of skiing.
Cellphones make terrible gifts. Because they're so frustrating at times but also cold/clinical. And you're buying someone a phone that costs a few hundred dollars but the bill is going to be a few thousand dollars. It's a meaningless gift. The only redeeming virtue is that someone can call you with it and it will get lots of use. But chances are most people already have phones. Anyhow, the contract aspect of the phone is too complicated. It's not like you can say, "Surprise, I got you a phone and two-year commitment that you didn't ask for, Merry Christmas!"
Chocolate-covered jalepeños are probably going to make someone you love fart a lot or have burning poops.
And the helmet camera Barry likes is expensive and not that high quality. Same with the wireless speaker. And both are kind of meaningless.
These gifts are kind of not that great. I'd feel bad if someone got me most of these.
In the end, I think a bad gift is worse than no gift. Just be a good friend and buy them a drink to celebrate whatever it was that you were celebrating. There's nothing worse than shitty gifts that are given just for the sake of ceremony.
Edith: Thank you, Brian! I'm either going to give you nothing or buy you an axe that says "Brian."
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"Chocolate-covered jalepeños are probably going to make someone you love fart a lot or have burning poops."
But what if that's what I'm going for?
@QuiteAimable That is always what I'm going for.
Is it weird that all that ax makes me think of is the Terry Pratchett character who is a priest with a battleax named Forgiveness?
in other words, it's awesome.
the soda water maker? the soda water maker!
@teenie I have a soadstream and it the best thing in my house! If you even kinda maybe sometimes like seltzer, buy it.
@TheFang my beau and I drink seltzer ALL THE TIME. can you add flavors to it, like orange? like you get in the store? this would probably pay for itself in no time.
@teenie Yep! They have soda syrups, and also things to flavor seltzer water (that said, use about half of what they recommend in their directions or you will have VERY flavored seltzer).
@teenie If I didn't already have a carbonated keg system in my house (my SO brews his own beer, and is a mechanical engineer), I would have one of these. We figure we save around $100 a month not buying San Pellegrino at Costco, which we used to do before he had the brilliant idea to have a keg of water.
@teenie I don't like the syrup they sell, but! I add things to the my seltzers all the time. I usually have squeezed lime or grapefruit juice in the fridge- I like unsweetened but if you use juice or simple syrup it can be sweet. I also have added booze flavorers like Creme de violette and Lillet (Or St Germaine!) with great success.
@teenie I want one of those so much, but not enough to pay for it myself. Santa, please get me one!
@teenie i got a sodastream "from my parents" for my birthday and it's the best thing ever. the flavor things they sell are not great but adding juice or natural syrups is awesome. i'm drinking some ginger apple cider soda right now.
@propermake My parents bought me my soda stream for xmas. They had it delivered to their home on the exact diagonal opposite coast from my home. Interestingly enough they do not let you take highly compressed tubes of C02 on commerical passenger planes, not even if they're part of your christmas present.
@E yeah, that's why my parents just let me buy something i want with their credit card. they can't seem to get it right even if i send them the exact amazon link.
Now I want everything on the Best Made Company website.
@julia Yeah I just got introduced to Best Made like last week and I go to the site every day and drool over things. I am hoping the Stay Sharp whiskey tumblers are restocked soon because I really want to get them for my brother for Christmas. I can't think of another time when I've seen something and been like "Wow that is perfect for him" so this is a Big Deal.
@julia: The Best Made stuff is very pretty, but often very over-priced. Like those axes, $50 axe + painted stripes = $275 axe.
@julia Seriously, it's all so pretty. I have no use for an axe, but I kind of want one.
@Hot mayonnaise Are you telling me I can find a box set of 26 wooden nautical flags for under $1,900?
@backstagebethy If you can't get the tumblers, I think these whiskey rocks are an amazing and perfect gift for the neat brown liquor sippers in our lives. And also I want everything, literally everything in that store (and it's way mroe reasonably priced than Best Made!)
Also? Come on handy femmes. Go to Ace and get an axe and then paint some pretty stripes on it.
@sox oh man, that site is great, thank you!
@yamtoes
Best laugh of the day, thanks.
I would totally read Cosmo and those other things if they told me what kind of hatchet I need! Though I guess any hatchet would do for keeping it in my room and imagining I live in Hatchet…
@Faintly Macabre Now I want to re-read The Hatchet!
This man owns more pairs of chaps than anyone I know (by which I mean he owns chaps).
I don't know what this says about me, but I haven't seen anything in months that I want as much as I want that axe in Royal Standard colors.
I also like alcohol, but I probably shouldn't be given both at the same time because I'd make an evening of it.
@applestoapples heeeeeeere's JOHNNY!!!! *sticks crazed face through hole in door made by Compassion axe*
@LittleBookofCalm Well, I wasn't going to do that unless my boyfriend ignored me slurring the lyrics to "Bad Romance" while slumped on his doorstep.
@LittleBookofCalm You have the greatest username.
@melsbells thank you!!!!! I <3 Black Books (obviously)
My alliterative heart thanks you for this title, Edith.
For the holidays this year my whole list is very practical. But based on my own list, I think the one thing that is the perfect gift for everyone and says, "I CARE" like the bejeezus is an emergency kit. A sturdy backpack full of things you need for the firey apocalypse. First of all, it's something you can't have too much of, and if for some paranoid reason you were already full up (car, house, work, favorite park bench), it's a great thing to regift.
@E My father usually leaves my sister's and my gifts up to my mom. However, one Christmas, he decided he was going to give us presents just from him – we each got a sturdy cardboard box containing a Mag light, jumper cables, flares, a heavy blanket, a hand shovel, and a small bag of kitty litter. They were our winter emergency roadside kits, which he immediately took out and placed in the trunks of our cars. Then, after seeing how filthy our cars were, he woke up on the 26th and took our cars, one by one, to get washed, gassed, and have the oil checked/changed.
And it was actually incredibly sweet and loving. Though it did come with a very long lecture about the importance of emergency preparedness.
@E Contents of backpack: vodka (for wound care and warmth!), matches, duct tape, and 5 hatchets of slightly different sizes.
@Faintly Macabre Well mine list is a little more practical: Doll's head wineglass; boxed wine, sans box, so it's just a plastic bladder with a spout; tins of caviar; baseball bat for zombie killing and recreation; cashmere throw for warmth; the complete works of Dorothy Sayers and Miss Manners; duct tape, matches and jeggings.
@E ugh! "my", not "mine"
@Bebe: That got me all teary-eyed. What a sweet gift! Also, my dad is kind of a jerk…
@E Hmm, that is more practical, especially as you can use the wine bladder for water after you drink it all and the empty caviar tins will attract helpful dogs. Just replace the jeggings with more dual-purpose pajama jeans and you're all set.
@Faintly Macabre You then have the option of training the dogs to pull a harness made from your duct tape, or just bashing them with the bat and eating them. Everything in my kit serves multiple purposes.
@E Nooo!! No killing dogs! The dogs will pull me around on a sled made of taped-together book covers and eat all the disease-spreading rotting things. Plus, if I want more entertainment, I can give some boxed wine to the dogs.
@E: Nothing says love like a Bug-Out Bag
@Faintly Macabre I'm not saying we will like it. But if the big one hits it's going to be "The Road". We might need the protein.
@Too Much Internet yeah, everyone else's honkin huge diamonds are forever, but I have plans to out live the diamond owners. If I get my christmas wish that is.
@Bebe Yup, that made me tear up. Admittedly, I have daddy + christmas + gift issues, but still.
Actually, one of the sweetest gifts my dad ever gave me was a pack of condoms. I KNOW shush, it was sweet. I'd just gotten my first boyfriend, and we were sort of living together (I lived in a flat out the back and they boy moved into the house). I told my parents and my mum was being a massive bitch about it. Somehow my dad snuck out and bought me the pack and gave it to me furtively as they left, with a big hug. He just wanted me to be happy and safe, you guys! Wah!
Also, @E, that is a freaking fantastic gift idea. It's a thing that people know they should have, will really use (although hopefully not often) but usually don't have because it's a hassle to think about it. You might have solved my boyfriend-christmas connundrum.
Also. Sayers. Forever. I just re-read Gaudy Night. AGAIN. And yet again, it was a totally different book than the last time I read it. I love her so much. Have you read 'Are Women Human'?
Awe, I like Brian. He's romantic.
I kind of hate gadgets as gifts – I'm not super into them, but I always feel like it's really a personal choice thing. I appreciate the sentiment, and will never be like "oh man, I got awesome DSLR-A and wanted DSLR-B (hint hint, buy me a camera someone)" but…I dunno. I'd rather pick and buy my own. Also partly because I am stupidly neurotic, and I hate gifts that aren't inherently short-timers (like booze is a short-timer, but it's mean to be) but still won't last forever – if you get me a nice iPod now, it won't be the one I have in 5 years, but when I stop using it I'm going to feel terrible, cuz you picked it out for me, that was so nice, argh the conflict.
Maybe cuz I'm a huge book nerd, but I still feel like books are the best gift ever? Yes, definitely the best gift ever. You can get cool editions of books pretty cheap too. And even non-book gifts should come in books. Like, in theory, should I start buying some lady jewelry, I've always wanted to buy her two copies of the same book. And she will be all "Why did you buy me two copies of this same book about Hobo Quilts?" but then she will realize one is way lighter than the other, and be all "WTF?" and when she opens it? BOOM, the pages are all glued together and the middle is cut out and it's a jewelry case inside the book. And there's still a readable copy, because seriously, a book about hobo quilts? That is at least as good as jewelry.
@leon.saintjean Not to sound like someone's friend's creepy uncle after having a few too many Manhattans, but – if I were single and a few years younger….(eyebrow wiggle in your direction).
@leon.saintjean Yes, I <3 bookie. A holiday where I give and receive only books is a wonderful holiday.
@leon.saintjean Books are absolutely the best gift ever. And honestly, just you DESCRIBING that two book gift made me tear up a little. Can you start a seminar for boys?
@thebestjasmine – no. No fucking way. Doing things that makes ladies go "awwwwwww you are so sweet" and cooking are the only advantage I have over other dudes. I might not be the guy that gets digits at the bar, but uh…actually, I haven't worked out step 1. But the theory is that my Step 2 is so dope word of mouth will maybe spread? I dunno. Anyhow, sorry ladies, I am not telling other dudes my tricks. Id rather start a seminar for dudes and just give terrible advice, but Mystery already beat me to it.
@leon.saintjean I tend to give books because I never know what the fuck else to do, and reading is basically my main task in life. Plus, then it's like giving friends to your friends! The only time it backfires is when they don't like the book. I still hold a tiny, tiny grudge against one friend for not immediately loving Watership Down. But, to be fair, she's enjoyed nearly every other book I gave her, so I GUESS I won't murder her in her sleep.
Anyway, yeah, books. And then I just have no idea for the people in my life who read two books or fewer a year. They get coal.
@figwiggin No, what's worse is when they don't read the book.
(Don't hate me for not liking Watership Down, please don't come to the Oakland pinup to kill me).
@thebestjasmine I can't afford a fancy axe, so I'll spare you for now.
And you're right–which is what makes me feel terrible that I still haven't read The Once and Future King, which my mom gave me in high school. It's a big hardcover and so impossible to tote around!
@leon.saintjean Stop it. I am full up on imaginary internet crushes, and also you are in a different country and also I am not single, so STOP IT with your hand made artisan foods and your farmers markets and your cunningly adorable book-based novelty gifts. STOP. IT.
Also, my boyfriend is exactly like this with gifts. He's like the difficult gift parts of a guy (doesn't want much/wants boring things) and a woman (wants a specific thing in a specific way and wants to choose it himself). We just went through the birthday trauma in which basically we drove around to ten different places looking for car seat covers, me with my credit card at the ready. I just five minutes ago bought a set on the internet for him. (His birthday is in October, and I started looking in September). Thinking about Christmas is making me TIRED. But actually, I find that both giving and receiving, one big present that the receiver picks and the giver pays for, plus a smaller surprise (a book, edibles, something symbolic, a joke gift) works pretty well most of the time.
@figwiggin these days I read about two new books a year (not including dumb books), because my brain is fried from work. But I always always appreciate good book gifts, especially from book friends. It isn't a festive holiday unless everyone can go hide in a separate room with a quiet medium. Right? No, just us interoverts? Ok, then.
@figwiggin But Watership Down is the best! My brother protested for years about not wanting to read a book about stupid rabbits and then finally LOVED it when he read it. Not that I bring this up on the regular to get him to do what I say or anything.
There is something pretty hot about the axe. What's wrong with me?!
@rootmarm It IS exceptionally phallic. Curved for her pleasure?
A handmade axe may seem like a terrible gift now, but wait until the zombies come, then it will be the GREATEST GIFT EVER.
Clearly the correct answer to "What to get your guy for the holidays" is "The new Legend of Zelda game." Right?
@Ophelia: If you or your guy is a fan of Portal & Portal 2, than I just found these two wonderful mugs. I never even played Portal, I just enjoy the Jonathan Coulton songs and I still find the mugs funny.
I just saw this link for Beer-Infused Soap ($10!), and it seems like a good boy-gift! Ugh I can't believe it's approaching gift giving time. I am broke as a joke.
@TreatYoSelf Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of soap? Do you want to smell like old beer after showering? I think this requires more investigation….
Am I the only one who would be given pause if I showed up at the object of my affection's apartment and discovered an ax hanging on the wall? I mean, I guess it's better than a samurai sword, a bat'leth or a crysknife, but still…
@ejcsanfran The only thing better than a crysknife would be a crysknife plus those hook things for riding a sandworm.
@ejcsanfran The boyfriend has 3 (!) swords on the wall of his room. He is very lucky that I was already smitten with him when I discovered that.
@pterodactgirl: Just be sure you're armed with your gom jabbar…
@ejcsanfran Oh I am never without it.
@pterodactgirl Christmas is the mind-killer.
Christmas is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face Christmas.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where Christmas has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
@Craftastrophies: "Who does he think he is – the Kwisatz Haderach?"
@ejcsanfran
Although… am I a bad person at this point if I admit I didn't think it was that great? I think I was hampered by reading it as an adult/not being a teenaged boy with a messiah complex. I REALLY wanted to read the book about the Bene Gesserit, instead.
@Craftastrophies: Did you read all of them? It's about the only series of novels I've read multiple times – and I find I like different ones better/worse each time. Though the original is always my favorite. I think more than the whole messiah thing and the story itself is just scope of entire elaborately detailed and amazingly real universe filled with fascinating characters…
N.B.: Do not under any circumstances read any of the ones "written" by Frank Herbert's son. They are an abomination…
@ejcsanfran I did not. I only read the first one. Then I stared down the line of the others and thought 'nope'.
I mean, I liked it fine, and bits of it were really great. I especially thought that the description of grief/numbness were bang on. But basically I wasn't really interested in Paul, which I think is sort of the point? I kept seeing bits of the narrative break away and go sub-plot and I wanted to follow them so bad. But nope. We're stuck here with Paul.
I don't think it was a bad book, by a long shot, and I can 100% see why people like it so much. It just was not my favourite thing ever.
@ejcsanfran @Craftastrophies I mean, not everything speaks to everyone. I had a similar experience when I read The Forever War. I literally thought it was terrible and I have yet to get someone to explain why it is good. But I think it's worth giving Dune another shot. It is a superly awesome and badass bit of world-building and I love love love the intergalactic intrigue. If you want more on the Bene Gesserit (who are the coolest, I agree) some of the later books revolve more around them. I do feel like the quality of the writing declines pretty steadily as the series goes on though, so maybe watch out for that? But there's a lot to love about the first few.
Sorry if this was boring. I might love books too much.
@pterodactgirl Not boring! I like talking about books/stories, even when I didn't like the story.
Which I did! Like the story of Dune, I mean. It just wasn't my favourite. I definitely felt like I would have liked it better if I'd read it as a teen, rather than after my feminist awakening, when I'd really gotten tired of those themes in spec fic. I mean, part of that is because the books I read were copying Dune, so it's like complaining that you didn't like LOTR because Orcs are sooooo generic, you know? And, I mean, I have liked Anne McCaffrey, for example, whose books are DEFINITELY not as good. I just didn't read Dune in optimal conditions.
I am hypothetically open to reading it again/trying the Bene Gesserit ones. But it's not super high on my list. I'm saving it for my retirement?
Careful with that axe, Edith.
I hate that ax. I hate it! I also thought everyone hated the ax.
@MousesHouse Seriously! If you want a nice ax, and if you're being honest you probably don't, spend $150 on a handmade Scandinavian Gransfors Bruks something that will outlast your grandkids. Don't pay those cats a couple hundred for painting some stripes!
@elephony Took the words out of my mouth, right down to the recommendation of Gränsfors Bruks.
@finn They're just hands-down the best! We have the best taste in axes!
My favourite presents to give/receive are things that can be done with people. Tickets to concerts/shows/games … I took an ex to a shooting range once, that was super fun. I think I won the gift-giving contest that year.
Isn't buying someone an ax for a gift the first act in a play where they bury the ax in your head in the final act?
@thebestjasmine Chekov's ax?
@elephony augh! The comments weren't working for me, and you beat me to it! I was going to write Chekov's Christmas.
"Better is a handmade axe that says Compassion on the handle. Or Courage."
Actually the axes to which you link are not handmade. They are bought from a manufacturer and then some hipster douchenozzle spraypaints the handle and/or stamps a word like "compassion" on the handle.
But the caress of this hipster douchenozzle is apparently magical since it transforms an axe from a $45 commodity to a $300 status symbol.
@jncc I love you.
Every time I read anything in Esquire, I get really depressed thinking that there are people who actually read Esquire seriously for education, entertainment and/or pleasure. Whyyyyyy?
@Lauren Hayden Oh, there are. I have a dude friend who reads it just to learn about how to be a dude, and he takes it really seriously and it's so sad. Every time he references it I say things like oh my godddd, you have goootttttt to be kidding me, but so far I don't think it's done any good. I will persevere.
It's wrong to buy myself that axe, get "Justice" printed on the handle, and then bring it to the in-laws for Thanksgiving, right?
An axe with "BLAM" engraved would be appropriate!
Ugh, I hate poorly researched gift-icles (coined by me!). Re: the speakers recommend in Esquire mock my most loved of all music apps, Spotify. Spotify does not require a facebook login, you morons at Esquire. Learn to use an app goddamn it. This lady apparently does.
Axes are just things that chop wood, right? I'm not missing some big metaphorical thing? Why are we hanging them on our wall after paying more than $35 for them at a hardware store?
@MSD Because modern urban men need to be "authentic" and "manly" and plaid and beards are too ubiquitous to cut it! How else to prove one's true self is a rustic, woodsy manly man than by having an over-priced man tool to display!?
@elephony real mountain men are so much better, even if they don't bathe as much as urban men.
@MSD
You said "man tool".
"…alcohol is a vehicle through which magical social accidents happen, and which you can often not remember."
Truer words were never spoken.
@jncc I love you.
@jncc I love you.
@jncc I love you.
mm…i would caution about the electric toothbrush as well. my mom got me one and it was great until i found out that even the generic head replacements you can buy are $30 for a two pack.
Um, I guess I really love @jncc? sorry folks. stupid browser!
@heyits: Hey.
Share the love.
Also. While I drink almost exclusively vodka and wine, I think I would look askance at a gift of vodka. Whereas I would find a gift of brown alcohol, although showing total ignorance of my drinking habits, to be totally acceptable.
What's with that?
The product copy for those axes is hilarious. "Before the channels of hardware and tool distribution opened wide, axe helves (handles) often had to be carved by hand. Much could be said about someone from the shape of their axe, how they swung it, and even what type of wood they cut. Patterns for axe helves were meticulously sketched out on barn walls and handed down through generations like cake recipes. Looking for a good project? Looking to call yourself a true axe man or woman?" Also: "This item is currently sold out."
@lululemming Also, because I have gone down the rabbit hole, this made me laugh like crazy: http://www.bestmadeprojects.com/post/5427086342/peter-buchanan-smith-discusses-the-best-made
Please tell me that your archetypal man-speaking-for-mankind didn't just use the word 'naughty' to describe smoking…