211
Some silly study found most of us only have two close friends; "close" meaning you've discussed "important matters" within the last six months. So, how many close friends do you have? Think hard.
211 Comments / Post A Comment
- Sort by:
- Chronological
- Reverse-Chronological
- Popularity
Post a Comment
Dogs count as friends right?
@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood Hahah right? Even my close friends I don't like to share every detail of my life with. I'm a private person! It doesn't mean we're not friends!
@Megan Patterson@facebook My cats see me naked way more than my friends do.
@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood God, I hope so.
@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood Yes, but cats do not. They would kill you in their sleep if they had thumbs and a generous length of rope.
@parallel-lines: Cats DO count, you monster. And, for your information, my cat has assured me repeatedly that he will not kill me in sleep – though I have given him explicit permission to dine on my corpse should I die during the night. But he'd totally never, ever do anything to hasten that. Well, OK, maybe not never – but it's
highlysomewhatpossibly unlikely.What on earth counts as "important matters"??
@DH@twitter Marxist theory.
@teebs
In that case I ONLY have close friends. Very close argumentative bastard friends.
@DH@twitter Most drunken conversations with my best friend end in manifestos. That or slurred, sloppy, semi-sapphic declarations of love.
@teebs
The latter: once I was listening to "Songbird" on repeat in the car and called my best friend and was like I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. And she was like, Are you drinking, and I was like, No I'm driving. True story!
@DH@twitter Acne solutions and contraception. So that means all of the Hairpin is BFF.
@dj pomegranate Right! That was my first thought. 'IRL… two if I can count my boyfriend. On the internet… EVERYONE'
my drunkest friends have more close friends than anyone I know. Not me, though. I only talk to my rabbit when "important matters" are concerned
@littleBrother HA!
The Hairpin totally counts, right?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. . . right?
@atipofthehat All of the thumbs ups (thumb ups? what?) mean yes!
@atipofthehat blammo- 159 confidantes. i am off to skew the hell out of that survey. especially that part about the educated females having fewer confidantes!
@ylime Oh god, is it thumb ups? We need an answer to this right now or I'm always going to wonder, like how whenever I hear "WMDs" I wonder why it's not "WsMD."
@tactfactory I think the author was actually saying the educated and females are more likely to have confidantes. "Female participants and those who were educated were the least likely to report no names on their confidante list." Though the double negative does not make it unlikely to misunderstand that. … or not? :/
Whoever can claim the most close friends is the happiest and morally sound person in the world! Clearly.
@RK Fire Gotta catch 'em all
@RK Fire How many close friends does Mary Claire have?
@The Lady of Shalott "Close friends? Perhaps Susan next door – we spend a lot of our evenings walking together. But really, I think family is so much more important and fulfilling, don't you?"
@The Lady of Shalott: Everyone she meets instantly becomes close friends to her. They are drawn to her naturally svelte figure, the joie de vivre from living in a beautiful house, and of course, the natural charisma that comes from birthing a tall son. Every year on her birthday, all of the townspeople congregate to her house, chanting her name with balloons and cake in hand. She graciously receives them all and welcomes them to her Annual Pig Roast, where wild boar is served.
[I am tired this morning but clearly this is where my brain wants to expend its energy--not on work or anything.]
@RK Fire And when people ask where all the good fortune started. Mary Claire just let's slip a knowing half smile and responds delicately, "Well, one day I just decided to drink more water…"
@RK Fire In the article they said MaryClaire had TEN. TEN close friends she can call whenever……UGH. MaryClaire! *shakes fist*
how vague can they be? do romantic partners count? siblings? if no, then I have 2-3 close friends, but if they do count then I have 4-5. I like that number better. I think I'm going to count siblings and partners.
@teenie Yeah, outside of my husband, my parents, and my sisters, I have one friend by this definition. A sad result of many moves – the vast majority of my best friends live hundreds or thousands of miles away and we keep in touch fairly superficially on Facebook, due to crazy early-career-plus-having-our-babies lifestyles. I miss them!
@piggie yeah, I've also moved a lot, and feel SO LUCKY for the friends I have, but they're either close friends who I don't talk to very much because they're far far away, or close friends who I still am learning about, so haven't been able to open up as much. but my sister? the best. and my beau? also the best. they listen, they help, they support.
Maybe increased mobility is one of the reasons people have less close relationships? that seems more plausible than "OMG I HAVE TO HAVE THE MOST FRIENDZ ON FB GUYYYYSSSS"
@teenie Absolutely this. I know very few people who stayed in the town they grew up/went to college/went to grad school in, and not that many who've had two consecutive jobs in the same place.
By my own definition, I have 3 best friends, and another 6 close friends. By their definition… um, like 25? A couple of glasses of wine and I will talk about anything with anyone.
@AmandaBunny Yeah this is a good point. I talk a lot, about everything, to everyone. It doesn't mean that we're close friends. Or that they even like me very much, probably.
@AmandaBunny Seriously! When I started planning my wedding I realized I only had like 5 close/best friends that I actually wanted to invite. I'm terrible at keeping in touch with people and 5 is about as many as I can manage.
@lobsterhug My biggest fear (read: my first world problem fear du jour) is that my boyfriend will finally put a ring on it and I won't be able to think of enough people to invite to bother having a wedding, my cat will be my maid of honor, etc.
@Nutellaface That is essentially what I went through! I have these 5 friends compared to the 15 friends on his side. Granted, I've become friends with some of his friends, but it's not a close friendship by any means.
And I'm skipping maid of honor and just having my sisters as bridesmaids because I can't deal with choosing between my two best friends.
@lobsterhug I don't have any siblings
I'm so aloooooneeeee.
@cmcm @AmandaBunny Agreeeeeed, as anyone who has talked to me in person knows, I'm pretty much an open book, especially after you get a glass of wine in me. I will wax poetic about personal, "important matters" to eeeeeveryone. Are they my close friends? No. Yes. Maybe. I don't know. If they still want to talk to me after my word vomit, then I guess so.
@Nutellaface Ask a bunch of nearby 'Pinners to be your bridesmaids. PROBLEM SOLVED.
@jen325 Why do you think I'm so excited for the L.A. 'Pin-up??
@Nutellaface You should still have your cat as a member of the wedding party, though.
I saw this article and asked my boyfriend yesterday that question and he said 15. Who has 15 really close friends?! I think he was lying. or wrong. Or didn't understand the question, because I don't think boys understand "discussing important matters" to the degree that the average overanalytical female does. Or maybe that's just me.
UGH WHY DON'T I HAVE MORE FRIENDS.
@cmcm My fiance is the same way! He has tons of high school and college friends. Whereas I am in regular contact with exactly 1 friend from high school.
I figure it's because we live near where he grew up and went to college. I'm a transplant from out of state so I don't have that kind of network.
@cmcm I worry about this too. I'm on the edge of a few cliques (for lack of better word) that have vague overlap but I've never been in the inner circle–they throw elaborate birthday parties for one another but I'm usually an invitee–when my birthday comes around, it's me and two or three people. I get kinda bummed about it but it's really hard to make/keep close friends in your thirties–the things you bond over are so much different than the friends you make in your twenties. I'd like to have a couple more close girlfriends but I'm not really sure how/when do that.
@parallel-lines Good point – how DO you make friends when you're not in college/switching to a new job/etc? I mean, 'pinups, clearly, but…also, if you're in NY, I will be your friend!
@cmcm You got it!
Yeah, I don't know how–I always hated Sex and The City because it seemed like friendship porn aimed at making people who don't have that feel bad. But when you get to the point in your life when nights staying in outnumber nights out drinking and you share your schedule and life with another person, it gets so much harder. I'm not doing a very good job of juggling it at all.
@parallel-lines Yeah, and when faced with the choice of "watch an episode of NCIS with the dog" and "put on real clothes and go out and meet new people who you MIGHT like, but might not" the dog wins 95% of the time.
@Ophelia
No kidding! A friend and I recently agreed this is why we have trouble dating. Putting on lipstick to meet some schmuck I probably won't like anyway vs. Turner Classic Movies with the dog. No contest…
@City_Dater That's what the Turner Classic Film Festival is for! Best of both worlds (Try to find me in the video, it's a fun game).
@Ophelia you weren't talking to me but we should totally be friends because I'm in NY too. parallel-lines, join us!
@parallel-lines Friendship porn, yes, thank you! This is the same reason my love for the Bridget Jones books, genius though they are, will always be a little tempered. What single person wouldn't kill for a Shazzer, Jude, and Tom to be at their beck and call for every single mundane life development?
@melis N.B. When I say it's a "fun game," I meant it's a "fun game for me, Melis."
@Ophelia Offbeat Home recently posted this about making new friends as an adult. It's a little hokey but a cute idea, but just like here, sometimes the comments are where it's at. Somebody suggested grubwithus.com, which is a place where you can make grown-up friend dates for dinner. It's not available everywhere yet, but it looks great!
@cmcm Yep – I'm dealing with this too. I'm grateful to have three close friends, so this weekend I'm having a friend potluck; everyone brings a friend and something to eat. Since I only have a few friends the numbers are easily doable, my dude and I are going to set out some games (from the party games post), and maybe we'll make some new friends! Really hoping it's not a disaster.
@cmcm Yes, I also have this situation with my boyfriend! He's from Long Island and went to college upstate, so he has like a million close friends (though I also question the male version of "close") and I have about seven locally, since I'm a midwest-to-NYC transplant. (Granted, it's been eight years, but I also like my alone time.) I am already nervous about the potential wedding imbalance. I'm so glad I'm not the only one!
@melis I found you! Also, send your friend my number (unless that is your girlfriend, in which case, awwwwwwkward).
Also, why are you so adorable?!
@Stevie Aww glad to hear I'm not the only one. I mean I guess I shouldn't be surprised- I grew up in upstate New York, went to uni in Montreal, studied in paris for a bit and now live in the UK. Sooo yeah… duh. Maybe I should stay in one place for more than 30 seconds?
I only have one really close friend, other than my husband. I also consider my mom a close friend and we talk about everything. So if I'm allowed to count my mom and my husband I have 3 close friends.
I consider cheese to be a VERY important matter in my life. Hence I have about 1000 close friends. I win!
@paddlepickle I thought you were going to count cheese as a close friend, which I would totally support.
Do skype friends count? It'd probably be easier to have lots of in-person close friends if we all stopped moving every year or so.
Books discuss important matters with me, so I have two whole bookshelves full of close friends. Plus a couple of crates?
@figwiggin I hate when I loan my friend to someone and they take my friend in the bath and give my friend back to me all warped and wrinkled.
@teebs Or when my dog eats part of one of my friends? That's pretty terrible.
@Ophelia Guys? I once left my friend propped open on the couch, and my friend's spine cracked.
@figwiggin Oh, god. I feel you. Once, I took one of my friends camping, and I accidentally slept on it in the tent, and then it got all creased and stuff. Was never the same again.
@figwiggin Sometimes I'm not careful enough when I'm putting my friend back in my bag and her cover gets all bent.
@figwiggin
Ive been known to judge my friends by their covers. Im sorry.
@figwiggin I can't afford my own friends so I borrow friends for three weeks from the library and then give them back.
@klibberfish God, my mom said I've been sleeping with my friends since I was a baby, which, ugh. My apparently over-permissive mother has made me an incurable friend-whore and I still sleep with my best friends on a regular basis.
@figwiggin Due to a drunken roommate and an ill-fated one-night stand, I have lost two good friends to puke. Friends don't keep friends right by the bed.
@oeditrix Sometimes I leave my friends in the backseat of my car for a few weeks and they get all yellowed.
@figwiggin I like to have a friend on my lap when I go to the bathroom. People wonder why I'm in there so long!
Ugh, thanks for reminding me that I moved out here for grad school more than a year ago and still haven't really made any friends. Everyone at my school parties together and doesn't invite me because I'm a giant dork just like in high school (or: because I live half an hour away and don't like to stay out late? No, it's definitely the first thing). I miss my Arizona friends. Mope mope mope.
@femme cassidy You're my twin! I also moved here for grad school fourteen months ago and I don't fit in with most of the people in my program because they all are getting married and having babies and I MISS MY FRIENDS mope mope mope
This is why I am on the HAirpin so much.
@The Lady of Shalott ugh grad school. I swear it's taken a toll on my social life. I somehow thought it would be "fun" (what?!) and a good way to meet cool, smart friends. So far I've hardly met anyone (I have no idea where to meet students outside of my department) and the people in my program are sweet but not bff material.
At least when I had a job, I had some kind of guaranteed social interaction with my coworkers every day. Now I just study in my room from dawn 'til dusk like a goddamn hermit. It's pitiful.
@The Lady of Shalott ahhhh, guys me too! I feel so much less alone! My wonderful amazing roommate is moving away at the end of the month and I'm FREAKING OUT about having no one to talk to.
@femme cassidy Why weren't you at the Denver Pin Up? I didn't miss you did I? Hairpinners want to be your friends!
(But also, someone once gave me the advice that it takes at least a year in a new place to finally feel like you have a few close friends, and maybe even 2. So if it's still a fresh move, give it time!)
@sox I don't remember why I missed it but probably it had to do with homework. Sorry! I will try to be at the next one, if there is a next one!
@everyone I'm so glad I'm not the only person in the Grad School Killed My Social Life club. I used to be fun! I threw HUGE parties and people came from all over the state just to get drunk and throw up in my driveway! Now I have become old and boring and I stay home and watch Gossip Girl with my partner. (I guess having a partner could also be a factor, here. Like, why am I going to put on a bra and leave the house if I can just lie around in my jammies all night and still get laid?)
Also… does anyone else feel like grad school tends to replicate the weird social hierarchies of high school? Complete with at least one bona fide Mean Girl who is IN HER THIRTIES, SERIOUSLY DO THESE PEOPLE EVER GROW UP? Or is that just me?
@femme cassidy HOLY SHIT. I am literally right now in the process of this ludicrous social thing where the other girls in my program have been calling me a slut behind my back and one of them saw fit to tell me this. So in addition to not fitting in by not popping out babies and getting married, like, next week, apparently I AM STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK???????????
@The Lady of Shalott Yikes, I am so sorry that is happening. Grad school is such a weird awful stressful time. I've mostly just felt lonely and alienated, but I did get a little slut-shamed by a friendly acquaintance at a grad school social event when I mentioned to a mutual friend in front of him that I'd booty-called a friend from home at (Canadian) Thanksgiving. He's in his thirties. I was astounded.
@femme cassidy et al
I feel like it's frequently this way in my office too, so it's not just grad school. I like to think that it's my second chance to be the better person and stand up for myself instead of cowering like I did in highschool, but then I just end up being the quiet girl who never says much. I am fortunate to have amazing friends outsid of work, although if I had the option to stay home in my pjs and be getting laid, I can see how I may not make such an effort to get out and meet people. Jealz.
@The Lady of Shalott My experience with grad school was actually making a lot of friends, and then watching things fall apart when people's funding started running out and it was time to compete for fellowships. People are really at their worst when they're frightened and anxious. I had never experienced actual backstabbing before grad school, or frenemies, or having to back slowly out of a relationship because you're kind of scared of the person . . . . Anyway, rest assured that these people are saying things about you because they're miserable and you're the nearest target.
@oeditrix I think the problem is that all the people who were outcasts in high school seize on the chance to replicate that experience in grad school but in reverse! Not that I was a quiet fat girl in high school and a slutty mean girl in grad school or anything…
In Scandinavia, if you're a dude, this will typically be equal to the number of your brothers-in-law.
Also, what about those old, close friends who you don't see very often, but you COULD discuss something important, with no warning, at 3am on a Tuesday, but you just haven't in the past 6 months?
I’m so sorry to be the one to tell you this, but I know a secret that everyone has been keeping from you. What you don’t know is that everyone in the city you just moved to got together at Kim’s house the month before you got there. They took a vote and everyone agreed to never be friends with you. You’re lucky they even agreed to let you have a boyfriend, to be honest. They almost didn’t. He squeaked in by one vote. If you’re wondering who the tiebreaker was, it was Jennifer, but even she doesn’t want to be your friend. She just didn’t want to be mean. Jennifer's really nice like that. She makes a great friend, actually. Not that you'll ever know.
It sucks, but none of the attempts you make will ever work. Women everywhere know all about you, and they’re never going to talk to you or look at you or smile at you. Some of them would be your friend if they could, but they can’t. Nobody can. Even if you drop your wallet on the street and we're right behind you, we won’t pick it up. I could tell you why, but I’m not going to. No one will. Ever. There's a really simple reason why nobody wants to be your friend and if you knew you could probably fix it. Guess what it is. No. No. Guess again. No. It's not that, either.
You could join a gym, but nobody would be your running buddy. You could move to Greece, and even there, nobody would be your Greek friend. You could join an urban kickball league and all the girls would accidentally-on-purpose break their legs with little hammers at the same time during practice so that nobody had to practice with you. It’s awful. Ohhh my God, it's so awful I have to throw up a little. Sorry.
You'll never have any friends.
@melis Will you be my friend?
@melis Shit.
Also, I refuse to join an urban kickball league, amazing hammer imagery notwithstanding.
@Ophelia: Dodgeball? Will you do dodgeball? Or maybe bocce ball?
@melis Now I know who wrote that anonymous letter I received in the mail seven years ago.
@RK Fire Dodgeball I would do. Or Calvinball. Or it turns out you can take trapeze lessons? But that doesn't seem team-y.
@Ophelia A friend of mine from high school went to circus school as a way to relax after a hard day of being a stuntwoman. (I KNOW, RIGHT??)
Anyway. She can do those hanging from silks things they do like in Cirque de Soleil (sp?). I don't know if she made any friends there, though. Or if the Cirque people make friends while in the circus. But running away to join the circus seems like as good a way as any to try and make friends.
@AnthroK8: Did you not see "Showgirls"?! I'm sure backstage at Cirque du Soleil is just like that, only in French – which is even meaner and more withering!
@AnthroK8 It's called tissu! (pronounced all French-like). I have a friend who did circus school, and that shit is incredible. It seems like a pretty tight-knit community, but it's hard because people are always moving and touring.
Uh … let's just say that I have so few friends, I'm already stressing out about how awkward it will be when I eventually get married and my bf has like 4x as many wedding guests as I do. Also: bridesmaids? How will I pick them?? ahhhhhhhhh :/
@elysian fields Have your human bridesmaids bring pets or sock puppets to make up the numbers?
@elysian fields Weddings are hard! My fiancee has this really close knit group of friends, but I'm only inviting people I consider to be really good friends because weddings are expensive. I'm drawing one or two people from the various circles I hang out with but I can't really justify inviting the other people because, ugh–we're just not really all that close, but feelings are bound to get hurt.
@Cawendaw genius. dogs in bridesmaid dresses? YES.
@elysian fields We just each picked one person to stand up with us (he picked his best friend, I picked my sister) – didn't feel the need to have more, just to have more. Also, once your guests get drunk, no one will notice who has more people.
@elysian fields Oh! Can we make a Hairpin bridesmaid lottery?
@elysian fields This is why, should anyone get lucky enough to marry me, we will be inviting our immediate families. And maybe two friends each. And then taking everyone out for a really great dinner and calling it a day.
@elysian fields I'm going to be like Paul Rudd in I Love You, Man, and end up having to beg Lou Ferrigno to be in my wedding party. Which, actually, is probably equivalent to having fifty friends.
@elysian fields My husband and I eloped, so we managed to sidestep this issue, but can I just say that every time I hear someone talk about "Oh, we're trying to have a SMALL wedding and limit ourselves to 50 guests," my internal reaction is something to the effect of, "How are you so lucky to have 50 whole entire people who like you enough to come to your wedding and I can't even find one person who would even be willing to watch my cat when I go out of town for a weekend?!?!" Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be sobbing lonesomely in a corner for the next three hours…
@werewolfbarmitzvah uh yeah. basically, this. also! I will probably never be asked to be a bridesmaid. LIFE FAIL.
@werewolfbarmitzvah That actually seems like an excellent way to determine who to invite to your wedding: only people who you know would come feed your cat if you needed them to.
@werewolfbarmitzvah
Have a mother-in-law with 11 siblings, each of whom, along with their children and grandchildren, will resent you forever if you don't invite them!
Don't know if that counts as "lik[ing] you," though.
@elysian fields You don't want to be a bridesmaid, trust me.
For me, the typical time lapse between "yes of course I will be your bridesmaid, I am so flattered and I love you!!!" and "oh my god this is hell, get me out" is about one day, if that.
@Ironic Hipster Meme : YES! or a hairpin bridesmaid pool. we will show up at your wedding, look HAWT (and promise not to pick our face for at least 7 days prior to the big day), and we will cut any bitches who are threatening to destroy your big day in any way. we may also dance on tables after drinking WAY too much champagne, but that's what makes weddings fun, amirite?
@elysian fields we did the same thing. we each picked our oldest friend to be our maid of honor/best man and we're getting married by our newest best friend. I had to lay down the law, though, because in man-land EVERYONE is your best friend and he would have had 15 groomsmen.
@mynamebackwards um yeah what is up with that? my bf also has a group of "bros" from college and he's super tight with all of them. And probably wants them allll in the wedding. argh!
@elysian fields I made a rule by which each possible attendee had to be measured: if we were in a car accident, would we call this person for help? if not, he/she was off the list. Mainly, this was to cut down on all of the "best friends" that he played in a band once but hadn't spoken to in 10 years. Weddings are expensive and we're paying for it, so now is the time to be way harsh, Tai.
@elysian fields aah!! i have this same problem. i had a dream [nightmare?] the other day that, after my sister, i had pet rocks as my bridesmaids.
also, my parents had abouts 1,000 people at their wedding reception. ONE THOUSAND. they were/are very social. not that i'm going to, nor want to, top that, but it would be nice to have more than 5 people on my side at my future wedding…
@elysian fields I have been a bridesmaid many times, and I blame that for my unmarried state (as Anne Shirley said, "three times a bridesmaid, never a bride!" I'm going to be never a bride 2 times over, man.) I should also blame that for my poverty, being a bridesmaid is expensive.
@teenie THAT SOUNDS AMAZING.
See? This is why I'm stuck on my Fake Internet Friends, rather than making real attempts at the face to face kind. You all are just too awesome and I can comfort myself by thinking that I don't have an rockin' social life because, what? It's not my fault all the good people are across the country!
@elysian fields I went to a wedding where there were more bridesmaids than groomsmen, and each groomsman walked up the aisle with a lady on each arm. It would totally work the other way around, too!
@jen325 I was in a wedding (on the groom's side) where there were more groomsmen than bridesmaids, and I think that some of the ladies had groomsmen (or groomsmaids) on each arm.
…does it count as a part of a close friendship if you just overshare a lot with strangers? Like, 10 bus-stranger over-shares amounts to one close-friend discussion-of-important-things? I am asking this for a friend. A close friend. Who might actually be ten strangers on a bus.
@wharrgarbl: 1 friend = 10 strangers on a bus = 4 new best friends you met at the bar though you don't remember what they look like, but know they totally understand you on a deep and intellectual basis = 100 Facebook friends
@ejcsanfran That was the Friendship Rosetta Stone.
Welcome to The Hairpin: Existential Crisis Edition.
I've never felt so alone.
@OhShesArtsy I know, right. Making friends is hard and I suck at it!
@OhShesArtsy We should all be alone together. Remember, guys: none of us are as alone as all of us!
Wait, wait. Never mind, everybody. That just made it worse. We should all go be alone in small, strategically-placed groups. Once there, we will engage in small amounts of personal sharing specifically calculated to make us feel like we've made deep personal connections. Afterwards, we will adjourn to a bar, where we will drink until we've all become intoxicated enough to accidentally kill someone, thereby cementing our new-found friendship with a terrible shared secret. Even if you become separated from your group, you'll have your haunting guilt and the guarantee that you can call anyone else in your group at 3am and have a sympathetic ear with the magic words "I can't take it anymore, we have to tell someone. He had a family!".
It will be glorious, everyone. We will never be truly alone again.
@OhShesArtsy I'LL BE YOUR FRIEND! : )
@OhShesArtsy I just moved across the country after slowly drifting apart from my two best friends. And now I'm all alone! With my boyfriend, but alone with my lady thoughts. I NEED A LADY TO SHARE MY LADY THOUGHTS WITH.
@wharrgarbl Yeah, but I'm just not cut out for membership in the IRA.
@Lucienne But the only requirement is not narcing! If you can not-narc, you can do this. That's the glory of the idea–it's putting the general inertia, introversion, and fear of change that got most of us into this mess in the first place to work in our favor, for a change.
Though I should add that if you're one of the people who doesn't have this problem, you're not invited. Ideally, the sacrificial glue that binds us all together won't have too many people come looking for them. If your disappearance starts a 6 o'clock news campaign, you'd just ruin everything.
@Lucienne Is this a good place to mention the Hairpinpal thread on the Hairpin meetup group?
http://groups.google.com/group/hairpin_pinups/browse_thread/thread/1c2a0afc63d8bfc0#
@wharrgarbl Oh, believe me, I have plenty of introversion but my fear is mostly of commitment.
@Cawendaw I was honestly just thinking about pen pals the other day! A Hairpin variation sounds cool.
@Cawendaw whoo pinpals! The first round of matches are going out soon but I just want to stress that it is never too late to join up and get a pinpal.
@Lucienne Hmm. I guess I can see why someone who was afraid of commitment might be concerned about friends they could never leave. Though I guess you could always move halfway across the country, change your name, and then move the rest of the way across the country if you didn't like it?
Maybe we could arrange a different set of meet-ups for people who were kind of diffident about the whole "friends forever" thing, but who still want some close friends, where you just GBH somebody, then alibi each other out, then enter into an unstated agreement that it's not that big a deal, things like this happen all the time, it doesn't make anyone a bad person, but sometimes you're going to need to just get some things straight, and it would be really nice if you could all rely on each other to pick up the phone or meet up for drinks?
@magoo Just in case you aren't aware, you're a real gem for getting this organized.
@magoo yes, you really do deserve mad props for getting this off the ground. I'm so excited to write letters to Hairpinners. everyone should sign up and we can send each other mash notes and pressed leaves. (am I the only dork who still presses flowers in my dictionary?)
@heyits Wait, what? What? I want to write letters!
@heyits
I totes still press flowers and leaves. I press them in my really out of date biology textbook that I wasn't able to sell back and that we only used the first 250 or so of the 800 pages. I also mail them to friends, usually without note of explanation, just envelopes full of leaves.
(I may be a little strange).
Hmmm…outside of my boyfriend and my mom, I'd say I have 2 really close friends. And they both live hundreds of miles away.
Dammit, you guys!
I didn't read the article but I enjoyed their selection of stock photos for illustration.
@julia "So much for human cloning… most people only have TWO clones of themselves (that's fewer than BEFORE we had Dolly!)
A friend (a close friend, even) and I just hosted a bay shower where, aside from couple and hosts… there was one guest.
Making friends as an adult away from home and when everyone is really busy and so on… it is teh worst. WORST.
We decorated onsies with fabric markers and ate all the cake. ALL THE CAKE. But it was still depressing.
12. I did a serious count on this. I think what happens is that as people grow up they drift apart for whatever reason unless they put a LOT of effort in to not doing that. So the reason why I have so many close friends is that 6 are from elementary school and regardless of where we are we do holidays together/talk at least once a week, and all 6 were in my wedding even though 5 of them were boys, "bridesboys" or whatever. 5 are constants from college and work and 1 is the husband. But husband and basically everyone else I know counts 2-4, and I think that's totally normal.
@Larkyn Yeah, I basically hoard my friends and probably always will. I have nine close friends according to this definition.
According to some people in my family, Jesus is the only friend anyone needs. But He sucks at bringing booze to parties, and He'll eat all your Lean Cuisines from the work freezer without asking.
@kayjay Plus there's all this social pressure to let him enter me? Which, I mean, not his fault exactly, but it's not really my thing and it makes things awkward.
@kayjay
Isn't the obvious point that he doesn't need to BRING the booze to the party?
You're right about the Lean Cuisines, though.
@kayjay And while he may ride beside you, he never buys any smokes.
@laurel And honestly, those mandals? Someone needs to tell him that's not appropriate footwear for dudes. Particularly in November.
@laurel That's because Jesus loves you, but He's not IN love with you.
@josiah: I love the Lean Cusine Loaves 'n Fishes (Cajun Style)!
@kayjay @kayjay Well, all his other friends are tax collectors and hookers so make sure you don't give him a +1 or he'll just go and bring the whole village and one cup of water.
@parallel-lines But then we'd have so many new friends!
@laurel Hurry up! Hurry up! Ain't you had enough of this stuff?
@yeah-elle: Thank god you're here. Until you arrived I'd never felt more alone.
BUT the best way of gauging depth of friendship is whether you can fight with them.
@Lucienne To the death. In a pool of jello.
I only have one close friend – but luckily he's the cashier at the liquor store. Also, I'm assuming "important matters" doesn't by definition include "knowing your closest friend's name", right?
@ejcsanfran I was just thinking that after 7 years of living here, I still haven't made many friends – but the lady at the liquor store knows me by name. Isn't that funny???
This is something I stress out about. I feel like I have a good circle going, but sometimes I'll have that one dull week where everyone I normally hang out with is busy and I feel really lame because I don't have five hundred back-up friends and/or acquaintances. Add that to the fact that two of my closest friends are far more gregarious than I am, and it can send me into a funk when I want to really pity myself.
At the end of the day, I keep tritely telling myself that quality, not quantity, really rings true. You only need a handful of good friends, along with a European dude who wants to kill you, to successfully steal the Declaration of Independence and get all of the treasure.
@applestoapples This is truly a comforting thought, but I don't know any European dudes who want to kill me!
@dj pomegranate I know a guy named Juergen who takes last-minute appointments for Fucking Your Shit Up and Maniacally Laughing About It.
@dj pomegranate Fortunately, it is in your power to remedy this. The tricky part is making him want to kill you but not so much that the whole thing derails because all he wants to do is try to kill you.
@wharrgarbl I don't know. Is there a class I could take or something? This seems really dangerous.
@dj pomegranate I know! It seems like a serious failing that the internet has failed to give us MortalEnemyFinder.com or grudgester or maybe eEnmity.
Thank the lord for this post. Reading these comments is making me feel so much less freakish/universally-despised-by-all-who-know-me. The way things stand today, I've got me a husband, one close friend here in town, a best friend who lives a few hours away, a few not-so-close friends who I only see once in a blue moon and who I wish I could see more often but I don't want to be the Insane Needy Friend, and people I'm related to. And I try to tell myself that I'm a grown-up now with RESPONSIBILITIES and that this should be enough, but whenever I log into Facebook and see all of my vague acquaintances flitting from party to party and happy hour to happy hour and having so much fun with all of their beloved friends, I start throwing myself one serious pity party.
@werewolfbarmitzvah Were you watching me over the weekend? Can you read my mind?
ALL I did this weekend was mope and pout. "I'm bored. I'm boring. I have no friends. Everyone does cooler stuff than me…"
@werewolfbarmitzvah Weirdly, thanks to my husband's social butterfly status, I have become one of those people who is always flitting from party to game night to movie night to dinner. BUT I don't have a best friend or even anyone local who I'd really call a truly close friend, and I'd much rather have that. There is enough insecurity to go around, it seems!
@NeverOddOrEven Yep, that's the feeling! And then making everything so much worse by mentally counting off the reasons why you can't make friends: "It's because I'm the worst. I'm such a pompous ass, nobody likes me. It's because I talk about myself too much! It's because I'm judgmental and pretentious! It's because I didn't ask them if their broken leg was feeling better! It's because I accidentally said that really offensive thing. It's because I smell bad! Do I smell bad? Maybe I smell okay. It's because I was too shy to pick up the phone and invite them out. Naaaaaaaah, it's just because I'm the WORST." Let's just tell ourselves that being super lonely is a sign of genius. Does that work? I hope that works.
@werewolfbarmitzvah It's because I didn't ask them if their broken leg was feeling better!
Oh, man. I forget to ask about things like that all the time, and I'm always afraid nobody thinks I care about them. I DO CARE, I'm just very forgetful! :'(
@jen325 OH yeah. I've always had a big problem with that stuff and have been trying to actively work on it for years. It's never a matter of not caring about people and how they're doing, it's mainly a combination of forgetfulness and a ridiculous amount of over-the-top personal awkwardness. "Ooh, her leg is still in a cast. Do I ask about the leg? What do I say? Do I ask her if her leg feels better, or is that a trite question and she'll answer angrily that her leg is BROKEN so of course it doesn't feel better!, or do I jokingly offer to carry her around the roller-skating rink like the guy in the Keystone Light commercials? Oh no, I've been having this internal monologue about her broken leg for 20 minutes now, it's probably too late to ask about the leg. See, she's hobbled away already!" And also, as a person who is an unfortunate combination of brutally shy, horribly awkward, and in possession of a lot of unpopular opinions about things, I'm always the jerk who smiles and nods in a catatonic stupor for about an hour, then plunges awkwardly into people's serious discussions with loud polarizing statements about how evil wealthy people or religious people are, and then I wonder why nobody invited me to their barbecue.
ANYWAY, if any of you guys out there has a broken leg, I totally hope you feel better!!!
@werewolfbarmitzvah
And children! I ran into my old boss AGAIN this morning and AGAIN I just talked shop and forgot to ask her about her child. Ugh.
@werewolfbarmitzvah Oh, I'm okay with asking about it. If there's an obvious reminder staring me in the face I'll ask about it, but if it's an "out of sight, out of mind" type thing. I'll usually remember after the fact that the person's mother was recently in the hospital or something and feel like an ass for not asking how she's doing.
@werewolfbarmitzvah you're not alone. really. I had a dark night of the soul yesterday when I felt so achingly lonely that I didn't know how I could keep going on and I had no one to hang out with. it was horrible. So I went home after work and made chili and watched Gilmore Girls and went to bed early and woke up feeling shockingly optimistic. But yeah, I tend to be pretty socially awkward because while I like to laugh and think I have a pretty decent sense of humor, I am fairly earnest and have no flipping clue how to make small talk.
@heyits Me too! Talking about Important Things is so much easier! The inability to properly make small talk makes it so hard to make new friends. I guess the thing to remember is that there are lots of people like us.
P.S. Chili makes everything better.
@jen325 exactly! thank goodness for the Hairpin, otherwise I'd feel so alone. Seriously.
@heyits Right? There are so many of us who are alone, I'm starting to think it's the ones who AREN'T alone who really ARE alone.
@heyits YES, YES, A MILLION TIMES YES to the small talk thing. Talking about politics, sex, religion, many leather-bound books, what happens after we die – hilariously, those are somehow the easy things to talk about. Talking about work and the weather and how's-yer-mom and people's apple-picking excursions over the weekend? That's the difficult stuff. I manage to bring every innocuous conversation with coworkers to a creaky, lurching halt with my inability to make small talk. So, so glad to hear that there are other people like this. Incidentally, if any of you lonely souls are in the NYC area, by all means, hit me up and we can all go be uncomfortable weirdos somewhere!
i feel like i go through 'close' friends fairly regularly – i get really close to someone, but then something happens, like a fight, and we don't ever make up. as for right now, i really only have one close friend that has lasted over the years.
So, they mean like… friends? 'Cause anyone I'm not okay talking big stuff with is more of an acquaintance in my book.
my boyfriend is my only [ONLY!] close friend. i'm close-but-guarded with my parents and my sister is just 17, so there's a limit as to how pally i can get with her.
i used to have a great group of friends, but they turned out to be very toxic and.. backstabby. and then i moved. and then i fell into a new group of friends! but within a year they all went in one direction and i went in another direction in life. and even though i'm friendly with my boyfriend's friends, i don't feel comfortable enough with them to be close-close. i've been in this city for 3 years now! i need friends! WAHHHhh.
i'm hoping to come out of the Pinup next weekend with a new friend or two. seriously, i've got my fingers crossed. Chicago 'Pinners! prepare to meet your new best frand! i'm going to be the painfully shy and quiet one who occasionally blurts out awkward things like, "i LOVE colours!"
@gunface Dude, colors are sweet!
Too bad I'm in MN. Megabus?
- "Hey guys, you'll never guess what I found on Jerry's Facebook."
– "A friend! BURRRRNN"
@nyikin Jerry has a cube butt!
So how do you make close friends as a somewhat-reserved adult? I feel like I misspent that crucial first few weeks of college where everyone was like, "OMG, you watched Saved By The Bell, too! Let's share all of our secrets!" And now if I try to get closer to people, it just feels like awkward oversharing.
I am crying at my desk about this right now. And I just awkwardly overshared that with the whole internet. Great.
@cuminafterall Oh no! Can I give you a big virtual hug right now? I don't have any great insights into friend-making, but I feel like we both watched videos about ghost-riding MRAPs sooo let's share all our secrets now?
@cuminafterall "Yooooou are not alooooooone/I am friendless tooooooo/Though you're crying at your deeeeeeeeeesk/Saved By the Bell is the Beeeeeeeest…"
Being a "reserved" adult is what makes this stuff REALLY hard. I kind of miss the way friendships used to grow so organically as a little kid, while it just doesn't seem to work that way anymore in adulthood. I'm excruciatingly shy and stiff and bad at small talk (sometimes I babble uncontrollably and incoherently to overcompensate for my shyness, and then people just think I'm an annoying jerk), and am always afraid of forcing myself on people if it turns out that they were just being polite and don't actually like me at all, and it's very tricky to navigate situations when you do encounter people who you'd love to be friends with but can't figure out how to move things from Acquaintance Level to Friend Level. BAH. Anyhoo, yeah. Forging friendships past the age of 22. It's the roughest. Have a tissue, my dear.
@werewolfbarmitzvah YES, THIS! I still have all the same issues about making new friends, and I'm 37. I will join in your hug!
@werewolfbarmitzvah Ugh, EXACTLY.
Like, I know how to meet people. I can go take classes and join a choir and volunteer and do pilates…. ahem, for example… and I meet nice people! But how do I make them my friends?!
I've never figured out that, "Hey, we have things in common and seem to not hate each other's company. Can I have your number or something?" part.
Is that even what people do?!?!? I'm so lost.
@NeverOddOrEven Yess! It seems weird and pickup-y, but just say, "we should go for drinks/coffee/movies sometime,"then when they say sure, grab that number.
I sometimes just ask people if they want to be friends with me, that works too and is funny if you get the right person.
I should preface this by saying I only have a couple of close friends, but after moving cities several times in the last few years, I know how to get it done. *disclaimer, may not work if you're reserved.
@NeverOddOrEven Yesssssss, it feels almost like dating, like asking someone out on a date! Except that with dating, at least everybody understands why they're here ("I am asking you to come have a cup of coffee with me so that perchance we might end up in my bed."), while the friendship-building process always feels much more nebulous and confusing. And it always feels like such a personal failing to not have enough friends – I worry that if I ask someone if they want to hang out sometime, she'll go, "Oh, you poor dear. You thought I wanted to be your friend? I'm sorry, but I already have dozens of wonderful friends and simply have no room for any new ones! Good luck with that, though." I'd love it if there were some type of OkCupid site for matching people up for 100% platonic friendships.
@werewolfbarmitzvah: Meetup sort of facilitates this. I've made a few friends through it.
I make all my friends on the Twitter. It's sad really, but I've had more meaningful conversations with people online than I do in person.
Speaking of which, if it doesn't already exist, there should be an open thread wherein we post our Twitter handles, because I'm desperately in need of some snarky new ladies in my day-to-day digital life.
@charizard Or just an open thread at all. It's why I miss Jez sometimes.
That and the Worth It column is pretty cool.
All my close friends live in different countries, or at least in different cities. And I am too poor to go visit them – it's one of my best friend's birthdays in two weeks and I can't afford the train fare to be at her party
I've met a couple of nice people here and joined clubs and things but it's the first time it's not been super easy and I haven't got that instant friend-chemistry with anyone.
SIGH. But I am improving my job prospects with this course *concentrates very hard on that feeling*.
Guys, srsly this makes me want to organize a pinup because I missed the last one because it was on Halloween even though I really wanted to go and can we please do another one so we can all be friends?! NYC pinup? Anyone?
@dj pomegranate Yes! Yes. I keep missing them because I just don't. See. The posts.
Except the ones that are like "NYC Pinup was so much fun!"
@annainbrooklyn Let's have a minipinup (a MINUP!)?
Whenever I'm with my nieces, they always find a way to make friends with whoever is in their vicinity (they make it look so easy!). Except for one of them, she just sits by my side the entire time and glares at everything. I think she's gonna be my best friend as soon as she learns how to drink, which is only like 12 years away. I can wait!
I recently moved back home, and in a very Dear-Abby-like effort to meet people, I started going to yoga and volunteering a few places, but it hasn't really paid off yet. Also, most of my friends here have transitioned into relationship-mode while I….have not.
@Helen Carpenter@facebook That's exactly what I posted up thread – I can meet people fine. But how do I turn them into wecalleachotheronweekendsandmeetupjustforthehellofit friends?
@NeverOddOrEven No flippin' idea. Being rejected as a friend is totally worse than being rejected romantically. If someone doesn't want to date or sleep with you, they just aren't attracted to you, because they only like girly lesbians. That's pretty easy to take. But if someone doesn't want to be friends, that's a rejection of everything about you. Totally depressing.
In all honesty, (not being flip like I was above), I did a count – with PEN AND PAPER! – and I would say I have 17 very close friends (13 here, 4 in other cities). I also realize that I am very, VERY lucky and have put a ton of effort, time, and sacrifice into these relationships.
I feel like that sounds ridiculous compared to most of the responses on here, but I'm also an incredibly, almost compulsively, social person. I hate being alone, ever. And want to talk about things and my/others' lives aaallll the time. It also helps that I've lived in the same city for 6 years.
I have three close friends, one of whom is moving across the country in a month (wah!) and the other two of whom are great but literally can't stay out later than 10 pm more than once a month (and one of which makes way less money than me). Sooo, I feel all this love but can never find anyone to go to a gig or cool evening events with me that cost more than $15.
Also, who are these people who have like 10 friends they go on crazy trips to Vegas with or camping weekends with two dozen people? No one ever even invites me to stuff like that. And they seem to be inviting everyone!
Currently, am awkwardly approaching aquaintances about going to a concert I want to see, feeling really pathetic the entire time. I am also attempting to make new friends, through this guy I met when I got drunk and left two flirty friends alone to seriously, just get on with hooking up already, and sat at another table in the bar with people I didn't know and was too tipsy to be worried about it. And turns out one of the guys was awesome, and his girlfriend is aawesome, and we're hung out a few times and it was fuuuuun, and now I really really really want them to like me and be my friends and we can live happily ever after when we hang out after 10 pm. Wish me luck! Also, let's hope he doesn't scroll this far down in the comments, as he reads the hairpin and that's another reason why we have to be friends forever!
@swirrlygrrl Eee table crashing! Good luck with the new friends
I have five bridesmaids and I could have easily made it eight. And these are incredible friends, each of them, and each of them would name me in their list of closest friends.
I have always had a big circle of friends, but went through a few years of terrible friend choices and less than friendships that damn near broke me. I won't ever take genuine friendship for granted again, and I am pretty type A about doing all necessary maintenance and improvements to harvest my friendships.
The flip side to that is that I no longer have patience for "friendships" that are going nowhere, or are toxic, or are nothing more than convenient company.
I think I'm fortunate to have a sort of insane number of close friends. I do think that the article's measure of people you talk to in a week or whatever is flawed. Because I have friends who are essentially my sisters and brothers who I don't talk to for a year or two, but once we're in town we just start right up where we left off.
I also have a good crew of nice younger coworkers- that helped me get settled when I moved to this town. Then I have referral friends- friends of my best friends who moved to my town and got set up with me. I've found that asking someone to be your friend IS exactly the same as dating. You have to ask them out. "Oh it was so cool meeting you! I can't believe I met another medieval armor enthusiast! Would you like to go see the halberk exihibt at the museumy museum some time? Awesome. Let me get your number and I'll call you to set it up!" Rinse repeat.
If you move someplace new, you should always let people you know in other places that you need friends- they might know someone where you are who is also lonely or has good connections. Then it's just like a blind date.
But I think there's a friend perception out there which is really damaging. Like…don't expect all your friends to always be throwing each other suprise parties and acting like movie friends, stepping up a lot without being asked. If you want to go on a crazy trip with friends, you probably have to accept that you will need to organize it, and do well at the organizing so people will want to do it again, and learn from your lead. If you want the kind of friends who surprise you with care packages you probably have to send some. You know? That kind of thing- you can't expect someone to be the kind of friend who drops everything to listen to you cry unless you also are that kind of person. I think being social is habit and a skill and a hobby- something you have to work on and devote time to.
I have maybe 4 close friends… but all of them are guys (I'm not) except one. This has always been the case for me, it's easier for me to be closer with my dude friends. Sometimes I wonder what this says about me.
Definitely no bridesmaid-ing in my future.
Until the past year I spent most of my life with two friends (at a time) I joined a community program and now to my surprise actually have a close group of friends. However friends I talk about everything with, just my sister. People I talk about randomness with…my best friend since I was 14. Everything else these new friends. Just the way life is. We don't overshare you know? Making friends sucks and is hard. I made no friends in college but I feel like I can appreciate what I have.
This post makes me feel a little better about myself. I moved to a new city with the bf a little over a year ago and immediately joined a roller derby league. Think that's an easy way to make besties? Um no, not for people who are introverted with a smidge of shy in them. =( On the plus side, I am friends (but not close friends) with the handful of fellow introverts… but we usually just complain about how loser-ish we feel. Whoops.
Well, according to this definition I have hundreds of close friends, but only when I'm drinking.
Does my dad count? And does it count if you share tons of stuff with someone but they never share anything with you? Because he totally doesn't.
Apparently I am completely normal! Exactly two friends, plus my brother and my mom and my boyfriend. Not that that makes the prospect of trying to make friends in a new city any less daunting (any San Diego ladies out there?).