Chiara Atik is a writer who also refuses to be tamed/doesn't seem to be domesticated/drinks olive oil.
gossip, british newspapers, chiara atik, daily mail
It's time to come forward. I wrote all of these.
Not the blue subheads, though, just the smaller sub-subheads.
@melis I appreciate your honesty.
@melis The blue ones are the headlines; the smaller ones are the subheads.
@special_boots That's what I want you to think.
Shouldn't this have been on Splitsider?
Laziness Mayhem! Woman reads Hairpin while wearing junior high gym class tee-shirt and intermittently thinking about Alan Rickman
shirt is more hole than fabric at this point
@JessicaLovejoy I came for Alan. Laziness mayhem is nothing.
@JessicaLovejoy <3 <3 <3 <3
@JessicaLovejoy mmmmm. now I'm thinking about Alan Rickman. Excellent!
@JessicaLovejoy I am wearing a Pokemon t-shirt with the neck cut out, at work no less, and am now thinking about Alan Rickman as well. Thank you!
This is like if Horse_ebooks became a journalist.
@alicia YES! A MILLIONS TIMES YES!
For some reason, I just love Coco. She seems quite self-possessed.
@jules Me too! I can't put my finger on why, but she just seems so normal for someone you really wouldn't expect to be normal at first glance.
@jules I'm totally on the Coco train. She is awesome and I think her relationship with Ice is really sweet. I say this without an ounce of sarcasm.
@jules COCO! Love her. Since I happen to be a straight lady I'm sure it's weird that I'm a big fan of Thong Tuesdays but I JUST AM.
"...and that word is not Christ."
Pearl-clutching passive aggressiveness at its best.
@applestoapples That one made me laugh out loud.
@applestoapples I'm wayyyy ahead of Rihanna. I have a matching necklace and bracelet with 'that word' on them from a 'politically incorrect' themed party I went to in like 2006. My friend made them for me, the necklace spells out THE POLITICALLY INCORRECT CUNT in pastel sparkly letters and the bracelet just has THE word on it.
@sevanetta I made this http://www.subversivecrossstitch.com/kits/fuckht.html It's on my wall. I <3 it.
TODDLERS EVERYWHERE. THE END IS NIGH.
I made up a fun game for myself, where I averted my eyes from the pictures and blue headings, and only read the black subheads, then tried to guess which celeb they were talking about! Surprisingly (or sadly, kind of unsurprisingly because I love celebrity trash "journalism") I was able to correctly identify like 80% of them.
"Massive curves"? RAGE.
They should make a Daily Mail edition consisting only of those subheds. I would buy it!
@Jon Custer Then again, the headline puns are really the only reason to buy the thing now (and by "buy" of course I mean "pick up one somebody left on the bus and try to read it while hiding it from your fellow passengers").
"Toddlers everywhere" = favorite.
Also how I feel at Target
"she dyed her hair red too"
@sharkburp i read that as, "here's another thing she should be embarrassed about: her Manic Panic dye job."
@sharkburp This one cracked me up the most. It was SO a group of aunts standing around at a family Christmas party bitching about their deadbeat nieces and nephews. "Didja hear Stevie got booked? Three months for marijuana possession charges." (tsk tsk heard 'round the room.) "Got himself a tattoo, too. Skeleton riding a phoenix or somesuch."
@BoozinSusan Aunts? That is my sister and me bitching about our deadbeat cousins! "Got another DUI." "Drinks like a fish, that one." "And GOD, that girl he's dating!" "Nails like claws."
@Bebe Haha, you're right! In addition to my gaggle of Catholic aunts complaining about us sinful youngsters, there's...us sinful youngsters complaining about each other and our crazy aunts. It's a beautiful cycle. The circle of life.
@BoozinSusan Okay, but really, I want that tattoo.
@BoozinSusan "he used to be such a nice boy"
i think it's the lack of punctuation on the sub-heads that makes my brain read them in a monotone robot Dalek-y voice, and thus all the more magical.
@candybeans DOMESTICATE DOMESTICATE DOMESTICAAAATE
My new personal motto is "Doesn't seem to be domesticated."
@Bebe Far and away my favourite one of the bunch!
@fairlyalarmed how about some love for "drinks olive oil?"
@Bebe I think it's my new answer for that "six word biography" meme.
These are written by our moms who just learned to text message right?
@rootmarm No! these are probably written by an ageing wide boy North Londoner who smokes at his desk, wears a pinky ring and calls people he don't like 'muppets' while writing about 3,000 of these a day. I can't help thinking it. And it makes me laugh more. More!
@rootmarm Well, that's good, because if it was written as a text from my dad it would just read, "luv u lol"
Legs like a stork had me laughing out loud. So good.
WOAH WOAH WOAH.
LIZZIE MCGUIRE IS PREGNANT?!
I am so beyond on my celebrity gossip.
@redheadedandcrazy: Glad to not be alone in my surprise at this.
@redheadedandcrazy I had a dream with her in it last night. PROPHECY.
@figwiggin Was it a weird dream? Maybe pregnancy is AFFECTING YOUR MIND.
@Craftastrophies Gasp! Her pregnancy is not only messing with her mind, it's messing with mine! The dream also involved my parents' dog and the TV show Rome. Obviously her baby is psychically projecting things into people's dreams all across the nation. God help us all.
Found Poetry of the Daily Mail Subheads:
Doesn't Seem to be Domesticated
Millionaire is angry
Made his name catching sex perverts
A cross between a soldier and a bellboy
She grows nuts in Hawaii
Claimed she could speak Swiss
Dyed her hair red, too.
They looked bony and wrinkly
Legs like a stork.
@Bebe You are amazing.
@Bebe I would read your Tumblr.
Ooh, can we mix and match these?
Roseanne Barr takes a walk on the wild side as she makes long-awaited return to TV (She gets rashes)
Texan housewife Cindy Chang sobs after wowing America's Got Talent judges with Puccini Aria (She made her name catching sex perverts)
The return of the Hollywood smile: Lindsay Lohan flashes new look teeth (they looked bony and wrinkly)
Uday hell does he think he is? How Dominic Cooper created an evil gangster like no other on the screen (legs like a stork)
[anything] (toddlers everywhere)
@Cawendaw Oh my god. Breathless with laughter.
"She gets rashes."
STORY OF MY LIFE, subhead.
@SarahP As much as I like the bizaro ones, my faves were the ones where the writer obviously threw up their hands like 'what do I say about this person? Who CARES about the story!?!'
'She grows nuts in Hawaii'
@Craftastrophies I wonder whether their frustration is greated at not having a good subhead or at the fact that someone actually ran their bad ones.
Or maybe they're really proud of the subheads! "'Millionaire is angry,' my best work yet!"
awesome. mediatakeout.com also has superbly ridiculous headline-subhead combos
I am going to stipulate in my will that my headstone must read "She Made Her Name Catching Sex Perverts" below my name.
I. AM. DYINGGGGG-GUH.
Is this the right forum to say that LIZ JONES IS THE WORST AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
@naughtysneaky I know! I have to keep reading her columns to make sure she is still terrible.
I... I thought the sub-heads were added later as a comedy bit. This stuff is real? Ugh.
AP Style says to put that shit in past-tense.
Oh man, I'm laughing so hard I might throw up...
On the subject of the Daily Mail... Never forget
And kind of related, Take A Weird Break collects bizarre headlines from trashy UK magazines. "Haunted by a Sex Maniac Ghost", that type of thing.
Not to dirty up the wordplay, but I've been very successful at fitting a goodly number of these subheads into the Dominic Cooper + Kitten Mittens love story.
Give us a few years...toddlers everywhere.
Give us 5 minutes....she gets rashes...FROM RUGBURN.
My favourite ever writing on The Daily Mail was in an article about a car crash that Peaches Geldof had been in:
The driver also seemed surprised that they had escaped unharmed, Tweeting: 'Lol @ death.'
Lol stands for 'laugh out loud'.
Hahaha, you guys...here are two of the headlines/subheads from today:
What will Angelina say? Brad Pitt has some explaining to do after buying Soviet era tank
But the children will love it
He does prefer redheads! Downton Abbey star Dan Stevens on why his wife is his only leading lady
It seems life does not mirror art
This is so great. Thank you, Chiara Atik, for making me aware of this free entertainment.
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