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The League of Ordinary Ladies: Shopping
Previously: Gym Time.
Esther Werdiger has a weekly podcast and a rich internet life, but also a job in Jerusalem.
Previously: Gym Time.
Esther Werdiger has a weekly podcast and a rich internet life, but also a job in Jerusalem.
I love this, thank you. If I was a weird guy with a dishtowel cravat, I would totally ask you out.
I've never had anybody slap my ass without me inviting it first, but I really don't think I would handle it well. I'm pretty good about controlling myself when assholes shout crude stuff at me but once you touch me I feel like all bets are off.
@momentisaflower This happened to me once! But I was walking and he was on a bike, so really, I couldn't do anything but stop still and just gape appallingly at his back.
@momentisaflower I once had a guy grope my butt (like, get a good solid handful and squeeze – ugh) while passing me on the stairs in a crowded bar. He was in the process of being kicked out, so when I told the security dude, he said "Well, we're already kicking him out… but do you want to make a formal complaint?" and I really just wanted to get back to my evening, so I didn't. It was very unsatisfying.
@rachelrachel @sarahdances one summer, I was al out closest beach town with a friend, walking to a club on a very narrow street. She was wearing a barely there skirt, and a guy on a moped dorve by and grabbed her ass. Like, under her skirt! all we could do was tell the story to some local cops, who said that if she wanted to make a formal complaint, it would take all night. But they could just "scare him a little", which sounded a lot like beating him up, so we declined.
Later that night we spotted the moped again. Apparently he just drove in the lookout for girls in mini skirts. Gross.
And yeah, we did't get our evening back either :/
@rachelrachel I really do think I might just flip my shit and elbow the guy in the gut. It does really depend on your mood at the time though. I have a classic permanent 'bitch-face' and I get the "hey girl, you should just smile" or "what's wrong beautiful? let's see that smile!" at least every couple of months from complete strangers and it drives me CRAZY. There are times where I can just brush it off, but there are times where I've been extremely tempted to whip around and scream that my father died, or my cat exploded, or some lie to make them feel guilty.
@momentisaflower My friend has permanent bitch face too, this girl tried to start a fight with her in a bar because she thought my friend was giving her evils and my friend had to explain "No, that's just my face". It's useful though because she attracts far less weirdos when we're out than I do, as I have a permanent look of benevolent confusion that magnetically attracts crazies.
@momentisaflower When it actually happens, you're at a loss for words, like when the homeless man fondled my ass on the subway, I was just like O_O at him, and changed cars at the next stop. I should have screamed or been like WHAT THE FUCK but I'm not walking around thinking of things to respond to ass-touching, so in the moment I was like what the F is this actually happening?!
Ditto on the love! The second one reminds me of a rash of gropings that happened around campus (and very slightly off-campus, in the surrounding apartments) when I was in undergrad. Yes, of course it would be terrifying for someone to come from (I assume) behind and cop a feel and just run away (none of these incidents involved any assault beyond that)…but that did not stop me and my friends from joking that we'd chase the assailant, shouting, "Wait! I didn't get your number!" (Am I The Worst Person for thinking that is funny?)
@killer_queen This story reminds me of when there was a rash of indecent exposures on my campus (this random guy, not a student, would drive up to kids on the street on the pretense of asking for directions and then just whip it out). I'm also sure that it was not fun for the poor girls who it happened to, but my friends and I also joked about saying witty things in response, like "If mine was that small, I don't think I'd go around showing it off."
The main reason we thought it was so funny was that every time somebody reported it, we would receive a sternly worded email from the head of security about this Very Serious Issue.
@isitisabel We once got a sternly worded email about the Very Serious Issue of the bear that had been seen on campus. Attached was a pdf pamphlet on bear safety that had been scanned in sideways.
@isitisabel We had a flasher on campus…and I was one of his victims. He was approaching me from the opposite direction on his bike, riding very slowly, and as we got closer he smiled and nodded down at his lap. That's when I noticed he was riding one-handed because his other hand was holding his junk out in the brisk fall air for all the world (namely, girls on campus) to see. He kept riding by while I just stopped in shock. I finished my walk home thinking it was a little creepy, but mostly just really weird and funny. But when I told my roommates about it, they freaked and insisted I call campus police. Long story short, I was the source of one of those Dire Warning emails!
@isitisabel …this wasn't perhaps a Smith Jackson Email, was it?
Ha, I am just like you, Esther, planning responses in my head to exclamations about how great I am… that never happen.
This is my very favourite feature on The Pin right now. I would have been wondering why didn't crazy dishtowel guy ask me out too. Ugh, girls. We're the worst.
The Best Time I Got My Ass Slapped By A Stranger was in Bed-Stuy, from a guy riding past on a bike. Drive-by butt grab!
@MollyculeTheory My Best Time I Got My Ass Slapped By A Stranger: While jogging in the middle of the day, in the park. By a 14-year-old kid on a bicycle.
@MollyculeTheory @katekari Wow. I ride my bike every day to work and back, and can eat, text, change songs on my ipod etc while on my bike…but I would be way scared of grabbing someone's butt while riding – consensual or not!
@katekari ahhhh me too! Almost, though – I ran by some guy (kid, really) and wondered "why is he moving so close to/behind me…?" and my brain put it together just in time to leap out of the way. Definitely a high school kid.
@katekari The Best Time I Got My Ass Slapped By A Stranger: By a kid in a park in Latin America, egged on by his dad.
@whateverlolawants The Best Time I Got My Ass Slapped By A Stranger: Five minutes after meeting my boyfriend's 6 year old cousin, he grabbed my butt and said "THIS is HOT!!!"
@Nutellaface Actually, this isn't even my favourite ass slap story. I have many! One time, when I getting on my bike outside a train station one night, this dad-aged guy, who appeared to be with some sort of wife-like companion was like, "hey! let me give you a push." And he placed his whole hand on my ass and did just that. I rode off laughing; it took me a good 30 seconds or so to be like, "yeahhh probably not cool."
@MollyculeTheory I am reading this thinking two things: 1.) I have never had my butt slapped by a non-partner, phew, and 2.) Wait, why not?! People are getting their butts slapped all the time but not me? What's wrong with my butt?
@MollyculeTheory The Best Time I Got My Ass Slapped By A Stranger: this summer, a music festival in Germany. Two attractive Eastern European ladies in slutty policewoman fancy dress spanked my ass with a plastic paddle. I did not complain.
The Best Time I Got My Ass Slapped By A Stranger: In a gay bar I went to by accident (it had changed over since the last time my friend and I went there), by a guy who said, "I'm sorry, but I just couldn't resist!"
@Lily Rowan this is amazing.
I love this! Especially "curious" and "etc" at the end of the line of customers. And, naturally, the dishtowel cravat.
These are so great!
Many years ago, my sister and I were standing on a crowded NYC street corner waiting for the light to change. I felt what I thought was an unusually gentle booty grope, and said to her, "I don't know if I just got felt up or it was an accident." So naturally, 15 seconds later when she felt a similar sensation, she didn't hesitate to drive an elbow hard into the guy's solar plexus. I bet he got away with that a lot but hadn't yet learned to make sure his targets didn't know each other. Ahhh, memories…
These just make my week with their rampant delightfulness. That is all.
am i the only person in the universe who does not use gchat? as in, has never? ever ever?
why do i have no friends :'(
@redheadedandcrazy I used it once, with my mom, and that was enough to make me avoid it.
@redheadedandcrazy My last two boyfriends communicated with me almost exclusively through gchat, so I got used to it. It's mainly because it's quite innocuous to use at work, don't have to download extra clients (or be quite obviously on Facebook).
@redheadedandcrazy I can safely say I had never heard of it until this cartoon..is that bad?
@redheadedandcrazy Aren't you in Toronto? I'll g-chat you. I even know how to make the lobster claws.
……..How long am I going to have to wait to find out why you didn't own a pair of jeans until last year?
I was helping a friend move once, and was carrying a big box while going down the apartment hallway when a ten-year-old kid grabbed my ass with both hands, in a very "honka honka" sort of way. He kept his hands in the honka honka position as he ran past me terrified. I could not stop laughing.
@queensissy Once, a 3-year-old boy I was babysitting grabbed my chest with both hands and yelled "BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES!"
<3
@carolita
I LOVE THESE. The first one is just so frighteningly accurate. As is the last, really.
Once at a bar, this totally inappropriate guy came and slapped my ass. Being the entirely rational person that I am, I wheeled around and punched him. My first experience getting ass-slapped = my first experience punching a dude in public.
Then he asked if he could buy me a drink.
@darianlo I had the same kind of experience! The only difference with mine was that I was 6 months pregnant at the time, but didn't really look it from behind. So when skeezeball slapped my ass, I whipped around with my pregnant gut, yelling, "Oh HELL NO!" and then I kicked his shins and he was kicked out by the bouncer.
@heyits No way! Oh my gah that guy must've felt like such a tool. What is it with guys just thinking that they can lay hands all over us stranger-ladies? On the bright side, I'm heartened by the fact that you seem like a kickass mama bear for your little cub.
Because in Jerusalem, the walk to the shops is always a walk to town. You're good. And yeah, I have conversations in my head but it's AFTER the fact. Genius, I know. PS. Congrats on the jeans! Jealous.
Love these. My best time being groped in public was when a teenager guy felt up my boobs as he passed me on a crowded street. In the middle of the day. On Sept 11, 2001.
@vunder So many questions as to his motivations… comfort? Hope that you would be too distracted to call him out? Or just everyday juiceboxery?
Team Members…did you work at Whole Foods?
The best time I ever got groped by a stranger… is a long story. But it happened in Ireland, was a form of communication me and someone who did not speak English, and let to a threesome. A very confusing threesome…
MY NAME IS JAMIE AND I OWN THOSE JAMIE JEANS FROM TOPSHOP TOO (mostly for that reason… I hope that one day I will be getting busy with a dudebro and he will be all, "Whoa, your jeans have the same name as you.")
@jamie schuh Either that or he'll think that you monogrammed your jeans, which, why not?
I've never had my ass-slapped in public before, but on Saturday, I was walking from my car to the 'Pin Up in SF – I was passing this guy, he gave me a leery smile, and said something about my "pussy" as he walked by. I turned to look because, ya know, holy shit. He was smiling back at me. Gnarly. Anyway, when I got to the bar, I definitely told everyone about it.
@jackeemarie My friend, who was very shy and meek in high school, turned into an awesomely forthright person when she got to art school (which isn't super-relevant, just some fun context) – but anyway, she was walking into a Wawa when some cracky dude leered at her and was like, "Girl, I can see yo' pussy through yo' jeans." She stopped dead in front of him and said, "You mean my VAGINA? Because I'm a WOMAN?" and stared him down until he muttered something about her being a bitch and went on his cracky way.
There is a weird old guy who hangs out at my mall and tells my coworker how cute her nose is. I can't say I've ever wished he'd tell me the same, but I enjoy the dishtowel-cravat sentiment nevertheless.
Don't get me wrong…I love these panels…but pleeeeaaaaase don't walk around at night wearing headphones anymore! It's so unsafe!
I have never had any kind of urge to go to Jerusalem until I read these!
They have Pepto in Superpharm?!
I have nothing to add here except that I am extremely jealous of your abilities.
Esther, can we be besties or what?
@AmyDun is it weird if i say yes
OMG best time my ass was slapped by a stranger- I was in Venice during Carnevale, and I was walking home from a bar/drum circle/whatever crazy pre-Lenten thing with my friend to her apartment in Cannaregio at like 4 in the morning through an ice-crusted piazza (seriously we were slipping and sliding in heels like idiots). We were totally alone. It was mad foggy. OUT OF NO FREAKING WHERE, these two guys dressed as…witches? grim reapers with brooms? came tearing across the square, grabbed us, spun us around, spanked our frozen bums with their brooms while cackling, and ran off into the Venetian fog.
WHAT. THE. WHAT?
PS it was amazing, and also earlier in the night I had chipped a tooth and made out on the street with a random Italian who was wearing a full-on cow costume.
This is amazing and I love everything about it. AMAZING. LOVE. Not hyperbole!
My boss was up on a ladder one day when a long-time client (a dude who is most likely straight) came in and grabbed his ass with both hands. That was several years ago and they have not spoken to each other about the incident.
Dear wife: thanks for always smacking my ass! I love it. Esp. when I'm trying to get around you to the fridge to get another cold one. I know this horrifies some people, but I love you for it and never stop.
@Jasons_Johnson Ass groping is the foundation of any good marriage.
the best time i got my ass slapped by a stranger: it was laaate late halloween, and we went to the only bar still open at 3am, THE QUEST (a gay bar, of course). Drunk out of my mind, I wandered across the dance floor where a 6'7" drag queen from Mobile, AL was presenting the costume contest… apparently, I offended her, because that level of spanking was usually saved for disciplinary action.
One time I gave a guy a Withering Glare for smacking my bum. BUT. One time my manfriend and I were canoodling at a bus stop, and a group of guys wandered past, and one of them pinched my bum.